The More You Matter…. The Worse The Avoidant Treats You

本站添加: 2026-05-12

[00:00:01]One of the most painful things about loving an avoidant, especially a dismissive avoidant, is coming to the realization that the more important emotionally that you are to them, the worse they treat you. Because in the beginning, in the shared fantasy, they seemed affectionate, they seemed vulnerable, they seemed consistent, they seem to be attentive, and they seem to really be all into you. But once the relationship became real, well, now comes the distancing. Now comes the deactivation, the coldness, the criticism, even the fault finding in many cases, the emotional neglect, and the disappearing act. Oh, that's a fun one. Disappear for days. And when you ask them where they've been, you're just being needy and controlling. Now, it leaves people asking themselves, "If I mattered so much, why do they treat me so badly? Why are they being this way to me? All I do is give them love." I'm going to under I'm going to explain the psychology behind this. Now, when somebody matters significantly to a dismissive avoidant especially, but also a fearful avoidant that leans heavily dismissive, you are dealing with a person that has a very specific set of attachment wounds. And these attachment wounds get triggered by everything normal in a relationship.

[00:01:19]emotional and physical intimacy, open communication, conflict resolution, conflict itself, future talk, future planning, any kind of vulnerability, emotional expression, emotional displays. Every normal aspect of a relationship is triggering to them.

[00:01:36]That's because every normal aspect of a relationship fosters and promotes emotional intimacy, which is emotional closeness. Emotional intimacy they cannot do. And that's because in childhood, this is a person that was emotionally neglected in a very profound way. The thing is, they often don't even realize that they were neglected because their basic needs were met, food, clothing, shelter, things like that. But their emotional needs were not met.

[00:02:04]Growing up in households where you don't talk about feelings, where the mentality and the mindset is children are meant to be seen and not heard. On top of that, they typically had a very critical, controlling parent that was not nurturing, that had heavy demands and high expectations. Expectations that they struggled to meet and they only got approval and love from this parent based on exceeding those expectations. But when they didn't make meet those expectations, it was met with harsh critical criticism in a usually a very shaming type way. So what happens is they learn to suppress their emotions because this parent teaches them that their emotions are a burden that they're not welcome.

[00:02:47]So rather than processing emotions, they suppress, suppress, suppress, distract, suppress. And they personalize that neglect at a very deep nervous system, subconscious level, growing up to feel defective, unlovable, like there's just something inherently wrong with them.

[00:03:04]Now because of these wounds they grew up to feel that any expectations are insurmountable. Even the bare minimum of expectations on them means that they are inevitably going to disappoint anybody that has expectations. And disappointment means exposure, shame, being revealed as not being good enough.

[00:03:24]And emotional intimacy, if you get too close to somebody and lower your walls and let them in, they're going to figure out that you're defective. They're going to figure out that you're not good enough. you're going to disappoint them and you're going to be shamed and rejected. So emotional closeness and emotional intimacy, what that means to them is shame and rejection. These are the core wounds. So how does this tie into how they treat you? Well, here's the thing. They have two categories essentially of partners. High stakes and low stakes. Their nervous system subconsciously categorizes everybody into one of two categories. The high stakes partners, those are the ones that actually mean something to them. Those are the ones that they view as special, whether it's attractiveness, physical or emotional. This is a person that they view in high regard, a person that actually makes them feel something, a person that would be devastating for the avoidant to be rejected and shamed by.

[00:04:22]But then there's the low stakes partner.

[00:04:24]The low stakes partner is somebody who doesn't really mean anything to them.

[00:04:28]Somebody who's not that special. Maybe somebody who's toxic. The toxic partner is often a safe, low stakes partner or somebody that they're not physically attracted to. Someone they're not emotionally attracted to. Somebody that really isn't all that special. Now, they fear closeness. They fear intimacy. They fear exposure with the high stakes partner. So, the consistent, loving, emotionally available partner that makes them feel something, that's the person they push away. That's the person that they keep at a distance. That's the person they treat poorly. Because by treating this person poorly, by creating emotional distance, they avoid exposure.

[00:05:07]And this person can't figure out that they're defective. This is their nervous system subconscious strategy. Now, the person that's low stakes, they don't really care what that person thinks. So, they can be vulnerable with that person.

[00:05:19]They can be open. They can be affectionate. They can be mushy because you know what? That person rejects them, they don't really care. So, they t tend to treat the low stakes partner better than the high stakes partner. And if you're the person that keeps on getting pushed away, but you know, they'll tell you, "Oh, you're just so perfect, but I'm just not ready." Things like that, that's because you're the high stakes partner and you're the person that they fear rejection from. But why were they so great to me in the beginning? In the beginning, they were wonderful to me.

[00:05:49]That's because early on, it is the fantasy phase. It's called the shared fantasy. That's because it's not a real relationship.

[00:05:57]Their wounds have not been triggered yet and their nervous system has not tied you into those wounds. So, there's all their wounds and then there's you. And they have this lifetime of suppressed emotions that they're letting flow out right onto you because you know what?

[00:06:12]They're getting dopamine from you.

[00:06:14]Dopamine being the reward hormone.

[00:06:16]They're feeling infatuated and they are loving how you are making them feel.

[00:06:20]Keep this in mind. Due to that emotional neglect, they grow up really only focusing on themselves because they learn at a very young age that the only person that'll ever meet their needs is them. So, it always becomes what do I feel? What do I need? What does this person do for me? How do they make me feel? So, you're making them feel good because here you are the special person that they're attracted to, whether it's physical or emotional. You're somebody who makes them feel something, but it's not the danger zone yet because it's not a real relationship to their nervous system yet. So, they're pouring it on thick to you. And they're riding this dopamine wave. You see, there's no real emotional intimacy early on because you're still getting to know each other.

[00:07:02]There's no deep expectations or deep commitment yet, but as the relationship progresses, it becomes more and more real. And the more real it becomes, the more their nervous system ties you into those wounds. And instead of being separate, you're now tied into those wounds. Well, now emotional closeness becomes a subconscious threat. It feels like danger. It feels like they're getting smothered and controlled and they're going to be shamed and rejected.

[00:07:26]So, they start pushing you away. Now this wound of defectiveness that comes from that emotional neglect is also why it is so difficult for them to look inward and even see that they are sabotaging the relationship because acknowledging that they have these shortcomings and issues will be the emotional equivalent of confirming that defectiveness. See for a person that's of a growth mindset. Hey, this is where I went wrong. This is my shortcoming.

[00:07:56]This is my insecurity. this is how I can heal this and do better. That's how we grow as people from learning from our mistakes and our shortcomings.

[00:08:03]But for an avoidant instead of that, it's look at I have this shortcoming or I did this wrong is proof I'm defective.

[00:08:11]It's proof I'm not enough. It's proof I'm worthless, too painful. So to shield themselves from that inner shame, that feeling of profound shame, they will do the Olympic grade mental gymnastics to make it not their fault. So this is where the criticism comes in, the fault finding. Because if they can make it your fault that they have this deep urge to sabotage the relationship, push you away, or even discard you, then they don't have to feel the shame because it's your fault. So they'll categorize your feelings as being dramatic, your needs as being too needy, things like that, because now it's not their fault and they don't have to feel the shame.

[00:08:50]But this is why they repeat the cycle with person after person because they don't self-reflect and they don't learn anything from failed relationships and they keep on telling themselves a narrative when I meet the right person I won't feel this way. So you know the thing the thing about the thing about uh emotional attachment for a for an avoidant especially dismissible avoidant is that in real intimacy creates that subconscious threat they have you know the fear of losing their independence the fear of shame the fear of rejecting their fear of losing their autonomy and it's all shame around emotional needs because that was shameful for them in childhood. So their nervous system is on fire. Danger, danger, danger. Cortisol, the stress hormone. Danger, danger.

[00:09:34]But this is why they can easily commit to and easily seem vulnerable with a person that is not that special or especially toxic. Toxic, narcissistic partners. Those are the ones that trigger their attachment wounds the least. Because somebody who's toxic, narcissistic, they're emotionally unavailable as well. And narcissists demand attention, not intimacy. It may be toxic and painful for the avoidant in different ways, but it doesn't trigger their attachment wounds because there's no threat of emotional intimacy. They don't have to lower their walls for the narcissist. It's surface level. It's toxic. It feels safe to them. They get to keep their guard up and have the appearance of this relationship. they get to perform intimacy, not actually engage in intimacy. So that's why they can just go allin with that kind of person or even marry that kind of person but push the healthy partner away. Now in some cases they do marry a partner that loves them that is emotionally available to them. And in that case they just keep this person as far away emotionally as possible. With each advance in commitment, they withdraw emotionally and physically from the relationship to keep emotional distance to feel safe. Again, the person they're married to is a high stakes partner if they are somebody who is emotionally available.

[00:10:59]So, in order to shield themselves, they will treat this person poorly, keep them at a distance to feel safe. But the toxic narcissistic partner that if they get married to that one, that's the one they're loving on and doing on and and making a a big to-do on social media about how wonderful their marriages because there's no threat of actual intimacy is toxic behind the scenes.

[00:11:22]It's all performative.

[00:11:24]So it doesn't actually create emotional intimacy be and that therefore it doesn't trigger their wounds. So this becomes the pattern. And it becomes the cycle for somebody who is severely avoidant. Again, dismissive or fearful avoidant that leans heavily dismissive.

[00:11:41]They treat a loving, consistent partner that is special to them like garbage.

[00:11:47]And they will treat the person that is either not special or even toxic wonderfully because then the low stakes not special partner feels safe to their nervous system. the person that actually means something to them, whether it's conscious or subconscious, that is the person that they treat poorly and push away. That's why, for example, casual partners, they they get better treatment. Somebody who really is just low stakes, low effort, that's the person they treat well. The person that is not a casual partner gets treated poorly. And this is why when things start to get real, they they'll absolutely push away that healthier person because the realness of it signals danger. So, in other words, it had nothing to do with you or your worth. Actually, quite the opposite. It means that you meant something to them and because you meant something to them, they had to nuke the relationship from orbit. At least that's what their nervous system is compelling them to do.

[00:12:49]Now, that doesn't mean you should just stick around and get neglected, hoping that one day they'll realize that you're special. This stuff happens in the subconscious. They do not self-reflect.

[00:12:58]You can present the information to them once in a blue moon, it'll resonate. And if they are taking radical accountability and really working on themselves, doing therapy, coaching, things like that, and showing you through their actions that they are fully committed to a change in behavior and fully committed to growth, okay, you have something to work with. But outside of that, it it's not going to change.

[00:13:20]Oh, but they came back after 6 months no contact saying they miss me. They're missing you, how you make them feel. They're missing the emotional regulation you give them.

[00:13:31]They're not necessarily missing you in a healthy way, you the person. Because once that relationship becomes real again, the same wounds get triggered and then they push you away, discard, do the same thing all over again. So unless they're actually addressing the core issue, the cycle just repeats and repeats and repeats. And they will blow it up every time they get together with somebody who loves them, somebody who's special, whether that's you or somebody else. And they will feel safe and allin with somebody who means nothing. So what should you do? Hold your boundaries.

[00:14:02]Boundaries are your limits of what you'll allow, what you won't allow, what you'll tolerate, what you won't tolerate, what your needs, what your expectations are. You can't control another person, but you can control what you will subject yourself to. And that's what boundaries are about. An emotionally unavailable partner cannot maintain a relationship with someone that has boundaries. They need somebody with weak, inconsistent, or non-existent boundaries. If you are consistent with boundaries, one of two things is going to happen. They're either going to take accountability and make adjustments and show up better for you or the relationship will reach its natural conclusion and end because you are not going to tolerate breadcrumbs and neglect. That's the beauty of boundaries. Again, not controlling the other person. They are not ultimatums.

[00:14:45]When you're communicating what your boundaries are, you're saying, "Hey, this is where I'm at. Here's a bridge to meet me here. If you want to cross that bridge, it's up to you. But if you want to be with me, this is where I'm at."

[00:14:56]And it's their choice, right? You're not controlling them. And if they choose to not meet you there, okay, then the relation you you can say the relationship this doesn't align with me.

[00:15:05]This is what I need. This doesn't work.

[00:15:07]And if that doesn't work for you, okay, but then this relationship wouldn't work for me. You don't have to tolerate crumbs. You don't have to tolerate neglect. You and your needs matter. And just because they have wounds and you have empathy for their wounds that stem from neglect does not mean that you are obligated to be on the receiving end of poor behaviors based off of those wounds. Because if they're not willing to grow if they're not looking to self-reflect and change you sticking around only enables them. It sends them the message that hey, it's okay to treat people like crap and still have them there as an available option for you.

[00:15:44]All you're doing is enabling them.

[00:15:46]You're not helping them by holding boundaries and stepping away if they are unwilling to show up for you. You're actually doing them a favor. You're showing them that, hey, actions have consequences. You're not doing so for the purposes of punishing them.

[00:15:58]Punishing is unhealthy. But you're doing so for the purposes of protecting your peace and standing up for yourself and choosing yourself and saying, "Hey, I matter cuz you do. You don't give them breadcrumbs. You don't deserve breadcrumbs in return. You deserve the full meal." And sometimes a byproduct of you having boundaries is that they get a wakeup call, a splash of cold water on the face to self-reflect and grow. You can't guarantee that. And you shouldn't hold boundaries for the purposes of that. You hold boundaries for the purposes of showing up for yourself. But you're not doing them any favors by not holding boundaries. But you do yourself a favor by holding boundaries. Choose yourself. You can't force an emotionally unavailable person to choose you when they don't even have the capacity to choose themselves in a healthy way.

[00:16:45]Yeah, they choose things that immediately feel good, but are they choosing growth and healing? No, they're not choosing themselves in a healthy way. So, you can't force them to choose you either. But you can choose yourself.

[00:16:56]You deserve so much better than breadcrumbs and half efforts. And never tell yourself otherwise.