In Toxic Families, the Cruelty is the Point

[00:00:00]Hi everybody.

[00:00:02]When you leave a toxic family, bystanders are going to sit back and say things like, "Well, they didn't mean it." Or, "Well, now they have a right to tell their side of the story, right?"

[00:00:13]But, they don't understand the rules of a narcissistic toxic family system.

[00:00:19]Because in toxic systems, um the cruelty isn't an accident and it's not a bad mood. The cruelty is the point. Now, I feel commenters are fundamentally misjudging the situation because they don't understand that this cruelty is the point.

[00:00:41]Um I do call out some of the comments and I'm going to tell you why.

[00:00:45]Um personally, I don't I don't care about the rude comments and sadly, it's because this is something I've been used to used to this kind of behavior from my family.

[00:00:58]Um I like to call out some of it because it helps others here not to feel so alone. And maybe I can open the eyes even of some flying monkeys who truly might not realize that they are being weaponized. I do understand that some feel like they are helping, but that in fact is not what they're actually doing.

[00:01:21]Um instead of helping, they are doubling down on making estranged parents like me just feel minimized.

[00:01:30]Um the reality is that in toxic families, the cruelty is the point. Um it it's not a bad mood. It's it's a deliberate it's a deliberate uh tool that they use to maintain control and to preserve the family ego. They need to keep the scapegoat uh deflated so that the the family system keeps on functioning.

[00:02:04]Um there are four weapons they use in this family cruelty.

[00:02:09]Uh and the first one I want to talk about is character assassination. They don't just criticize your actions, they attack your core identity. They they call you crazy, unhinged, bitter, overly sensitive so that your really legitimate boundaries that you're allowed to have, healthy boundaries, that they make it look like it's a symptom of a mental instability.

[00:02:37]Uh the other thing is systemic in invalidation, and that's the rewriting of history. You know, if you if you bring something up from the past, they might collectively deny it.

[00:02:53]They might deny that it ever happened, or they'll tell you, "Well, you remembered it wrong." Right? Does that sound familiar?

[00:03:01]Or they'll claim that you're fabricating stories just for attention.

[00:03:06]Um an another thing that they do is triangulation and exclusion. They deliberately isolate you by whispering behind your back, leaving you out of events, and forcing others to choose sides, ensuring that you feel entirely alone.

[00:03:28]A one another thing um is the smear campaign, which I'm unfortunately all too um in the know about. Um this is the execution of your reputation.

[00:03:42]Uh the family spread spreads calculated lies to friends, relatives, public platforms to ensure that nobody believes your version of reality.

[00:03:54]Well, why do they do this? The cruelty is the point. It's to protect this family illusion they have. The toxic families, they idolize this perfect family image.

[00:04:09]This image of perfection that they have that they like to portray to the outside world. And to admit that they harmed you would destroy that image. So, they can't have that. So, by treating you with cruelty, they can convince your themselves that you're the problem and not them.

[00:04:26]>> [clears throat] >> Um they also do participate in smear campaigns to regulate their their shame because in narcissistic systems, they can't digest their own emotions.

[00:04:40]Um they feel shame or guilt and they like to project that onto the scapegoat.

[00:04:48]Um you know, they might feel and they project it onto the scapegoat.

[00:04:55]And the cruelty is the act of dumping their emotional toxic waste onto us so that they can feel clean.

[00:05:03]Um the cruelty is designed to break your spirit, break your spirit completely so that you'll stop fighting back. They want you to remain compliant and quiet.

[00:05:17]Um willing to accept the blame so the family dynamic doesn't have to change.

[00:05:22]They like to um punish your autonona- autonomy because when a I I'm not saying that right. When a scapegoat heals and finds peace and leaves, the the it panics the system.

[00:05:38]Um you know, they might feel guilt or failure and they project it onto the scapegoat. And the cruelty is the act of dumping their emotional toxic waste onto us so that they can feel clean.

[00:05:53]Um, the cruelty is designed to break your spirit, break your spirit completely so that you'll stop fighting back. They want you to remain compliant and quiet.

[00:06:06]Um, willing to accept the blame so the family dynamic doesn't have to change.

[00:06:14]So, when a scapegoat walks away, you take away their emotional dumping ground. You take away their trash can. And that's when the cruelty follows like like a public smear campaign. Um, it's their it's their desperate attempt to punish punish your independence and force you back into your place. Let's put Janine back into her place, right?

[00:06:40]So, what about this defense that I hear a lot from people?

[00:06:45]Like, they have a right to tell their side of the story. Well, this is a trap.

[00:06:51]Um, you know, these commenters these or I should say flying monkeys come into the comments and and say, "Well, they have the right to tell their to defend themselves by telling the telling their story because you're telling yours."

[00:07:10]But, you know, they demand, "I want to hear their side."

[00:07:15]They're treating this like real life trauma like a reality TV drama or a political debate. And and it's not that.

[00:07:25]That's like it makes me feel like it's a courtroom where they're putting the burden of proof back on the victim.

[00:07:32]Um, so let me tell you about why that's a trap. So, in a healthy in a healthy disagreement between two equal adults, that yes, there are two sides. But in abusive situation, there aren't two sides.

[00:07:48]There's the person who was harmed, and then the people who did the harming. So, asking to hear an abuser's side just gives them a microphone to continue their abuse and attack the survivor all over again.

[00:08:06]So, my my channel's a safe safe space for survivors, and it's not a debate stage for abusers.

[00:08:15]Um there is a rule of no response. You don't respond to them. But to to myself and to my audience here, I'm going to frame it for what it is. It's called false equivalent equivalency, and it's designed to hide the abuse.

[00:08:34]Now, let me explain what false equivalency is, if I can explain this right, cuz I had to learn this, too. It's a logical it's a logical trick where someone claims two things are the same, even though they're completely different, like say, comparing apples to oranges.

[00:08:53]And a toxic family would say, "Well, you are talking about what we did, so we have the right to talk publicly about what you did. We are doing the exact same thing."

[00:09:07]Well, that's an example of false equivalency. Because a victim who is sharing their story to heal and help others is not the same as an abuser launching a smear campaign in order to try to silence them. One's a defense, one's an attack.

[00:09:28]Calling them equal is just a lie that's designed to hide that abuse.

[00:09:35]Um think of it this way, impact over intent.

[00:09:40]Think of that, impact over intent.

[00:09:44]So, it doesn't matter why the flying monkeys do it. They what It is still bringing toxicity into here into our community.

[00:09:55]Um it's not about their intent. It's about the information that they bring and the impact it has on us. There's a massive fundamental difference between a victim sharing uh their testimony to heal and an abuser launching a smear campaign to silence them. They are trying to pass off their retaliation as fair play. But, the mechanics of a toxic family system prove otherwise.

[00:10:28]So, for me, I'm sitting here and I'm speaking about my lived experiences to find community, to process this trauma, and to help others.

[00:10:45]Their side is speaking to destroy my credibility so that my testimony here isn't believed. One's for healing and one's for harm. So, think about that intent. Healing versus harm.

[00:11:02]Um when when I talk about what they did, I'm just stating the facts from my perspective of how they mistreated me.

[00:11:13]And when they try to defend themselves by bringing up things I did, they're almost always hiding the full stories. You know, I've spent years with my family pushing my buttons, provoking me, almost driving me to the breaking point, really.

[00:11:32]And then the the moment I snapped, um you know, I don't know what the word snapped and and got angry, then they they pointed at my reaction and said, "See?

[00:11:47]Look how crazy and mean you are and toxic." It's like teasing a dog until it finally bites and then recording the bite to prove that the dog is dangerous.

[00:12:00]That's exactly what it's like.

[00:12:02]J'ai peur here of the DARVO tactic.

[00:12:06]So, what DARVO means is a it's a it's a classic mind game that toxic people use when they're caught doing something wrong. And it stands for deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.

[00:12:23]You know, first they look you in the eye and they say, "I never did that."

[00:12:28]Or "You're making things up." And then then that's the deny. Then attack, they'll turn it around and they'll attack you char- attack your character and call you crazy, bitter.

[00:12:42]Uh they'll even call you a liar to make you look bad.

[00:12:46]And that and then um the reverse victim and offender, this is when they flip the roles and they act like they're the ones being mistreated and bullied. So, by claiming that they're just defending themselves, they're they're trying to steal the victim title away from me.

[00:13:05]It's what they're trying to do. They want everybody to feel sorry for them, so nobody actually looks at the bad things that they did to me.

[00:13:15]So, now here is why you can't argue with the smear campaign.

[00:13:23]Because in a in a healthy disagreement, both sides have a valid perspective, but in an abusive system the abusers they don't want a fair dialogue. They want total dominance.

[00:13:40]So, here's an analogy that I heard that I like. Think of a bank robber. Like if a bank robber gets upset that the security guard is telling the police what happened then the robber doesn't get to say, "Well, since you're telling your side, I have a right to tell mine."

[00:14:00]So, you know, a defense that relies entirely on attacking the whistleblower isn't a defense.

[00:14:09]What it is is actually a confession of guilt.

[00:14:14]So, I hope that makes sense to you. Um you know, the main the main thing is that I'm trying to get across is that in a toxic narcissistic family systems, the cruelty is the point. And I I think some commenters that come in demanding to hear the other side um you know, and bring in you know, all this gossip from others I think many of them aren't understanding that that cruelty is the point. So, please let me know what you think about this in the comments.

[00:14:52]And I hope you're all doing well and have a great day. And I'll see you in the next video.

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