Andrew & Charlie Investigate | Episode 34: Pirates

Añadido: 2026-05-31

[00:00:02]It's Andrew and Charlie investigate.

[00:00:04]They're going to find the truth and tell you straight. They're exploring theelves in the universe. Andrew's quiet.

[00:00:10]Charlie's even worse. The meaning of the life. You're going to find out. So sit back and listen you big trout. Ass anyway. What a bloody hell. They're investigation today.

[00:00:22]>> Pirates are an ingrained component of human culture. Since the ancient Egyptians, they have been plundering their way around the seven seas, capturing the imagination of storytellers and the public alike.

[00:00:33]Outside the proliferation of modern piracy in the Hall of Africa and the Singapore Strait, we're now more likely to see pirates at a children's birthday party due to the influence of such stories as Treasure Island, Peter Pan, and Pirates of the Caribbean. Many have questioned this romanticization, identifying historical pirates as vicious, duplicitous, and sorted characters. Whereas in truth, the history of pirating was far more complex than either of these representations.

[00:00:58]Although unconscionable acts were part and parcel of the pirate life, the politics of pirate ships were surprisingly progressive compared to what was occurring on land. So, how should we view pirates? And is our current conception of them too harsh or too romantic? What did it actually mean to be a pirate during the golden age of pirating? How much has missshaped our understanding of pirates? And what do the pirates of today tell us about our socioeconomic climate? Don't me. some of these questions. I'm joined by Charlie Milner, who's got a wonderful booty and it ain't buried in the sand. Charlie, thank you for joining me.

[00:01:29]>> Thank you for having me.

[00:01:30]>> Charlie, is a pirates life for you?

[00:01:32]>> Sure is me, Hardy. I'm a kind of um cowboy pirate today.

[00:01:36]>> Why?

[00:01:37]>> Yeehaw.

[00:01:38]>> Yeehar yehar >> and a bottle of rum >> and a and a bit of a lassu.

[00:01:45]>> Lassu lassu.

[00:01:47]>> See you later. I've got a horse to ins snare. Do you think a pirate would be would be ostracized in the Wild West or would he be kind of welcomed as a >> I think he'd be welcomed >> as an a cool alternative.

[00:01:56]>> I think a pirate pirates and cowboys aren't >> I think they're pretty similar, you know, outside the outside the law. Uh living kind of isolated lives, living by a code of honor in some ways. Uh kind of >> committing crimes, >> committing crimes, meandering about, you know, life on the seas ain't that different from life in the >> They're kind of the land lover equivalent of the pirate. They would be the pirates version of a land lover or they are a land lover.

[00:02:20]>> It's a shame that land lover's fallen out of fashion as a word.

[00:02:23]>> It is.

[00:02:24]>> It's just a bit It feels a bit It feels a bit kind of >> pointless. Well, also it just feels a bit contrived when you use it because it's such an It just doesn't come out right.

[00:02:33]>> Right.

[00:02:33]>> You [ __ ] land lover. It's much better to be like you [ __ ] or like I don't think land lover is a replacement for a [ __ ] necessarily.

[00:02:40]>> No, like if you call someone a land lover. Someone There was a fight.

[00:02:43]>> Yeah. in McDonald's in Durham apparently.

[00:02:45]>> And you called someone a land >> lo but somebody said somebody this guy from >> I think the town of Durham called a student a land lover >> and >> was he a pirate? Was he a salesman?

[00:02:58]>> Land lober >> and apparently it kind of really didn't land like lober. It didn't land lover.

[00:03:04]>> It didn't it didn't have the desired effect. It's like kind of being like play time's over.

[00:03:09]>> Yeah.

[00:03:10]>> It's very easy.

[00:03:10]>> The disco is done. Time to stop spinning that ball.

[00:03:13]>> Now, if you say that successfully, >> you're gonna power in the world. You're as powerful as King Charles.

[00:03:19]>> King Charles. King Kong, even perhaps.

[00:03:21]>> The mighty gorilla.

[00:03:22]>> The mighty gorilla. But let's pay our respects to King Kong briefly.

[00:03:27]>> May he rest in peace.

[00:03:28]>> I like all gorillas. I play in a football team called Harambe FC with a load of white guys. And if you're not careful, you have to pronounce the be.

[00:03:34]Otherwise, it's 11 white guys playing in a team called Haram FC.

[00:03:38]>> Not ideal. um barak to everyone who's Muslim.

[00:03:42]>> Yes. What were you saying?

[00:03:44]>> Oh yeah. Being I think you can't pull off calling anyone a land lover.

[00:03:46]>> Yeah. Unless you spend the majority of your time at sea cuz then we're all land lovers.

[00:03:51]>> I suppose we are.

[00:03:52]>> Yeah. Unless you're a Unless you work on a submarine.

[00:03:54]>> I am a land lover.

[00:03:55]>> I'm a land lover. I'm a sea lover, too, though. You love You love sea.

[00:03:59]>> I love sea.

[00:03:59]>> You live sea, but you don't love sea.

[00:04:01]>> No. I think that um >> I feel that I would be a I probably get too homesick out of sea because I like my creature compass PlayStation and the like.

[00:04:11]>> Um >> you wouldn't catch any pirates playing PlayStation. I mean nowadays >> you get there's a lot of modern pirates, right? Apparently. Never met one.

[00:04:20]>> Yeah, you were in charge of researching the modern pirates. So I don't it's a bit disconcerting that you finish that sentence with apparently. But go on.

[00:04:26]Well, what I what I understand is there are modern pirates, but are they really pirates?

[00:04:32]>> Right. So, you're questioning whether the >> being a modern pirate looks pretty [ __ ] in my opinion.

[00:04:36]>> Definitely.

[00:04:37]>> You don't have any of the kind of back in the day you got, you know, scuttleb butt around the plank like you're just sort of >> Yeah. peg legs and parrots, not machine guns and dingies. A pirate for a start, we won't linger on the definitions, but being a pirate is essentially somebody who says goes into like presses somebody who presses the [ __ ] it button. Yeah.

[00:04:58]>> And goes out into the sea.

[00:05:00]>> What button?

[00:05:00]>> The [ __ ] it button.

[00:05:01]>> Oh, the [ __ ] it button. Yeah.

[00:05:03]>> Um and they will they just kind of I'm just going to go out and live on the sea as a kind of nomad >> rack on tur.

[00:05:11]>> Yes.

[00:05:11]>> You're not necessarily a criminal.

[00:05:13]>> No, >> not necessarily. You can be a survivalist. You can just be out on a raft. I think if me, >> this is modern piracy.

[00:05:19]>> I think any former pirate is a kind of entrepreneur.

[00:05:22]>> I don't think we're pirates if me and you just get on a raft and float about.

[00:05:25]>> I think if we were out there for a while, we would become pirates.

[00:05:28]>> I don't think that's what a pirate is. I think they have to rob full stop.

[00:05:32]>> Are you okay? That's what we'd be. But pirates need to talk.

[00:05:37]>> Yeah. But I think if we if we just got on a raft, I don't think we're pirates.

[00:05:40]We have to do some robbing. We have to jump on boats and take things.

[00:05:44]>> Do you think?

[00:05:44]>> Yeah. Otherwise, we're just floaters at that point.

[00:05:49]>> A floater? I don't want to just be a floater.

[00:05:50]>> No one wants to just be a floater. You got to do something. Yeah. You can't you can't describe everyone on the ocean as a pirate.

[00:05:56]>> No, you can't.

[00:05:57]>> Yeah. So, what's the difference between a seaman and a pirate?

[00:06:01]>> A seaman doesn't come out of my my little >> Oh goodness. I thought you might be above that >> for a second. I thought we'll just let that one go. Obviously, pirates have a lot of fun, interesting, wonderful vocabulary, otherwise known as slang in this regard.

[00:06:17]>> Um, so I'm gonna list off some uh pirate slang words, and I want you to tell me what they mean.

[00:06:24]>> I will do.

[00:06:26]>> How many times are you going to make that joke? You can have five.

[00:06:31]>> Okay.

[00:06:32]>> Well, now you've got four because you just wasted it on that one. Um, well, a scuttlebutt.

[00:06:38]>> Scuttlebutt. Yeah, >> I imagine that's what you do >> on the weekends in the club and you're going up and twerking all all those gentlemen.

[00:06:45]>> Yes. The best way to acquire gentlemen clubs is to pop a quick scuttle butt.

[00:06:51]Excuse me, gent Excuse me, gentlemen. Do you mind if I scuttle butt all up in your business >> or the scuttle butt drop?

[00:06:56]>> Scuttle butt drop. What's >> that's when you kind of gut somebody, compliment them a lot, and then rub your bottom all over their torso.

[00:07:03]>> It's a bit like a kind of canine mating ritual. the the smelling of the private, >> but the compliment is very important.

[00:07:09]>> The So, uh, do it to me.

[00:07:11]>> I think you mean incredibly well.

[00:07:12]>> That's not a good compliment. Um, press ganged.

[00:07:15]>> Press gang is, um, >> press ganged.

[00:07:18]>> Press ganged is when you I actually know this one.

[00:07:21]>> Okay.

[00:07:21]>> When you would go into a town. Yeah.

[00:07:24]>> Or you'd live in a town such as say Pompy >> or even >> Hartley. And not to mention >> Jennifer, >> it's always the third with you. You've got two in you, but the third is regardless of what the category is, you've never got the third in you.

[00:07:41]>> Jennifer, um, >> name three films immediately go.

[00:07:44]>> Skywalker.

[00:07:47]>> Skyfall.

[00:07:49]>> Skywalker.

[00:07:49]>> Skyfall.

[00:07:50]>> Yeah.

[00:07:51]>> Seven.

[00:07:52]>> Yeah.

[00:07:53]>> Sausage.

[00:07:53]>> There you go.

[00:07:55]>> Sausage McQueen.

[00:07:56]>> Sausage mleen. SK um saw saw >> seven skyfall and saw >> but you see the third one is where you panic again. You said cuz you know you kind of panicked at the top anyway because you said Skywalker but for your third option you said sausage man >> again.

[00:08:11]>> Name three kinds of dogs.

[00:08:14]>> Chihuahua Rottweiler Dock.

[00:08:17]>> Um yeah. So sorry. Press ganged.

[00:08:19]>> Yeah. Press gang is when people from a certain town or village or port would be grabbed off the streets and then taken onto a boat to be a sailor for [ __ ] god knows how long. It's about the worst thing that could happen >> on a on that's not my perfect Sunday, Andrew.

[00:08:36]>> It's not I mean it's quite a common thing. I was reading the wager which is a great book. I think I spoke about it somewhere the other whenever. Um but yeah, a lot of people on that crew were press ganged.

[00:08:47]>> Press ganged. press. Why is there shouldn't even be a ter. It's just kidnapping.

[00:08:50]>> It's quite a good It's almost on It's not on the matic because they don't go like s gang. It's But you you know what onic means?

[00:08:56]>> The word sounds like >> Yeah, it doesn't sound like it, but it's a very it it does what it says on the tin. That word press gang.

[00:09:04]>> There is a gang here to press you onto the boat. You've been pressed on.

[00:09:07]They're kind of pushing you on a boat.

[00:09:09]>> What's How would you avoid I think the only way to avoid it is being like, "Guys, I'm just letting you know. You can do this, but I'm going to be the shittest person. I'm going to be the world's shittest sailor.

[00:09:18]>> I don't think they were getting particularly good s sailors anyway.

[00:09:21]>> I'm going to be overall a hindrance. I'm going to be kind of just like weeping and pooing just genuinely. I don't know if you need me.

[00:09:27]>> I think again the [ __ ] yourself argument is a decent idea, but I imagine quite I'm really poorly inside.

[00:09:34]>> Yeah. Or you've got or if you had some sort of illness that would spread to the cat to the rest of the crew could be something.

[00:09:40]>> Yeah. Like say typhoid.

[00:09:42]>> Yeah. I've got poos. Al Alz Alazer.

[00:09:46]>> I've got Alazer >> Alazer in my um they they come with me everywhere I go. I'm a reporter. My name is Ahmed Button.

[00:09:52]>> The average >> love to do a um love to do a bit of reportage on the ship. So >> and then we'd say actually oh no we can't have this kind of media attention.

[00:10:00]>> Oh why not? Why not?

[00:10:01]>> Uh because the conditions on this crew are absolutely heinous.

[00:10:04]>> Get him boys. We got >> No. I'm being taken away by Akmad Buttons Alazer film crew. Um so that's what press gang means. What about flogging the cat? Flogging the cat is um >> masturbation. That's >> one out on the ship looking at the moon, which I mean that's I think having a moon lit um moon >> pleasure zone session on your own on as a pirate is one of the rare pleasures.

[00:10:26]>> Charlie's top three places to masturbate.

[00:10:29]>> On a boat looking at the moon with your pirate friend, >> but he's not touching you. Um in Wimbledon Center Court.

[00:10:36]>> What? During play?

[00:10:37]>> During play. Federal >> during play. Whereabouts? Where are you?

[00:10:40]>> On the net. on the net >> in the umpire chair >> like legs between net >> legs are kimbo >> legs of kimbo bit of net bit of net gracing the balls. Yeah. Nice.

[00:10:49]>> Um and finally >> underneath the in the pull pit.

[00:10:58]>> There you go. Top three places to m wank. Um some more I I one of the most interesting as you were talking about with the legacy of of pirates. There's a lot of linguistic legacy that comes from them as well. One of my favorite things is finding out about where common phrases we use nowadays came from. And a lot of them are from bloody ships, including pirates.

[00:11:16]>> Please.

[00:11:16]>> Learning the ropes that comes from pirates and ships on a tool ship.

[00:11:20]Managing the complex rigging was incredibly difficult as I'd imagined.

[00:11:23]So, >> you any good at knots and rope rope? Um, >> no. My dad was a um a scout leader. No.

[00:11:29]>> Okay. Did he manage beavers?

[00:11:32]>> And I don't mean it in that way.

[00:11:36]Does he still manage a beaver?

[00:11:39]It's an awful having a girlfriend or a partner and saying I managed a beaver hor.

[00:11:49]>> Are you single? No, I'm currently managing beaver.

[00:11:54]>> Yeah, I've got a beaver that I I manage beaver.

[00:11:56]>> Beaver. Manage.

[00:11:58]>> Horrifying. Um, I don't >> But the worst thing about that is that it's not so much that it's kind of like it's not even disrespectful. It's just it's a horrible like >> it's kind of disrespectful to say that what being in a relationship is managing your girlfriend's vagina. That's a bit disrespectful.

[00:12:13]>> I manage a beaver.

[00:12:14]>> No, I'm currently managing beaver.

[00:12:16][ __ ] hell.

[00:12:20]Um, I don't know if he is is beavers a type of scout.

[00:12:24]>> I was a beaver.

[00:12:26]>> Of course you >> I was a beaver for a long time. I had Leanne. She was a very very very kind lady who um looked after us and gave us snacks and I think we did a bit of a rope play but not in like a >> Jesus rope play.

[00:12:38]>> Yeah, we like learned how to do double knots and like stuff like that.

[00:12:43]>> Okay, >> Leanne.

[00:12:44]>> Yeah. No, I don't I never went to scout so my dad's probably not proud of me but he he knows some he knows some rope ties.

[00:12:50]>> The amount of nonsian scouts must be off the [ __ ] >> I think it is off the charts. It is off the charts. I mean, being a scout master nowadays, I think even back in the day was a bit, you know, you're going to be compared to a dance.

[00:13:00]>> Yeah. To right. What are you doing? I don't even know if you're paid.

[00:13:03]>> I don't think it's vol.

[00:13:04]>> Did your dad get paid?

[00:13:05]>> I don't think so.

[00:13:06]>> I mean, that's dodgy.

[00:13:07]>> It is, isn't it? It would explain a few things as well.

[00:13:10]>> Would you take Would we stop the pod if we found out your dad was a nons?

[00:13:13]>> Yeah.

[00:13:13]>> During scouts for how long?

[00:13:15]>> Oh, wait. I I I meant we'd stop the recording now. I'd get back on it next week.

[00:13:20]>> Oh, right. One week.

[00:13:21]>> Yeah. What what what else can you do other than get on with your life if you would do an announcement at the top?

[00:13:26]>> I don't think I'd want to bring too much publicity to it.

[00:13:28]>> A scout land acknowledgement.

[00:13:30]>> Scout land for all the bombs he defiled.

[00:13:35]>> Yeah. I think you got to keep going though. What would you do if your dad was a nons? It came out he was a nons.

[00:13:40]>> Um I'd call him up and be like, "What the fuck?"

[00:13:42]>> Yeah, obviously. But that's privately.

[00:13:44]>> Um I probably I' >> just got to get on with life.

[00:13:50]>> Send some guys over. You'd send some guys to [ __ ] up your dad.

[00:13:52]>> I might have to with bats. Depends >> what he did.

[00:13:55]>> Well, he was he was a n. He was a scout n and >> he went the he did the whole thing.

[00:13:59]>> He went the whole hog.

[00:14:00]>> I'll probably get some I'm getting some guys over.

[00:14:01]>> You're going to get men over to beat your dad up.

[00:14:03]>> Yeah. From country countryside men as well.

[00:14:05]>> [ __ ] >> Countryside men to to just like kind of pe small town nutters.

[00:14:13]>> Small town nutters.

[00:14:14]>> I get some small town nutters to go over to my house.

[00:14:16]>> Right. And you would you continue the podcast?

[00:14:19]>> Yeah. But make sure that the job is complete.

[00:14:21]>> Are they going to kill him?

[00:14:22]>> They're going to hurt him >> with what?

[00:14:25]>> Sticks and stones.

[00:14:27]>> Who are the opposite of pirates? The Royal Navy.

[00:14:30]>> The Royal Navy.

[00:14:31]>> I was made in the pirate ship, but I was born >> born in the I was born in the pirate ship. I was made. That's how they do do their adverts, actually.

[00:14:40]>> Maybe the police are the opposite of pirates because they the opposite. They can't be on they need to be on land, you know, law-abiding land lovers >> or birds.

[00:14:50]Why birds?

[00:14:51]>> Because they're in the sky.

[00:14:52]>> Is being right. What's the most opposite of being on the ocean? Is it land or sky? I think land because you can't have sea and land. You can have sky and sea.

[00:15:02]>> What?

[00:15:02]>> Yeah. I didn't think you'd get that. You can't have sky. You can have sky and sea, right? There's always a sky.

[00:15:10]No. Disagrees. Don't doesn't think there's always a sky. Go on.

[00:15:13]>> Not under water, Andrew.

[00:15:14]>> Yes, there's still a sky there.

[00:15:16]>> There's not.

[00:15:16]>> Yes. What do you mean there's not?

[00:15:18]>> You're under water. Good idea.

[00:15:19]>> Yes, but the sky is still up there.

[00:15:21]>> Yeah, and you can't see it.

[00:15:22]>> Why are you arguing the fact that there's always sky?

[00:15:25]>> There's always land, too.

[00:15:27]>> No, there's not. Not in the sea.

[00:15:28]>> Yeah, there is. At the bottom of the sea is land.

[00:15:31]>> Fine. If you No, it's rock. [ __ ] you.

[00:15:33]It's not land. No, land is a term for the tectonic plates that we walk on.

[00:15:38]Okay. The land is not There is not land on sea. Can we not lose our minds already? land, sea, the place I want to be.

[00:15:50]>> So that's why I think land is more opposite to um sea than sky. Do you agree or disagree?

[00:15:56]>> I don't I neither agree with >> fine. We're doing a poll. Um what's more opposite than sea? If you think it's land uh right what's the land emoji >> totem face.

[00:16:10]>> Why? That's not land.

[00:16:12]>> They're on land. This is bad part. If you think it No, it's a good poll. If you think it's land, comment totem emo totem. What is it?

[00:16:19]>> Why?

[00:16:19]>> No. What's the emoji?

[00:16:21]>> Totem face.

[00:16:21]>> The totem face. Why? If you think it's C comment, wave. Yeah. Yave N. Wave N.

[00:16:28]>> Um, I'm waving.

[00:16:30]>> I'm waving to my mom from the back of my car. Do you think that the >> Do you think Do you think >> right >> that the Is this a rendition of Do you think with Charlie Milner?

[00:16:43]>> Do you think that you could love me song?

[00:16:46]>> No, it wasn't a song. It was more like a game show segment.

[00:16:48]>> Do you think Do you think with Charlie Milner? Do you think that the Royal Navy would be more successful in their incredibly painful adverts where it's kind of I was born in crew but I was made in the Royal Navy. If they made them if they made them much more tailored to I was born on a p if it had kind of you know Blackbeard and or Little Beard. [ __ ] If they had like a pirate on a pirate ship >> not the best edition of Do You Know by Charlie Milder. Do you know if it would make it's definitely not do you know do you think that it would make a a difference to Royal Navy recruitment if rather than I was born in crew when I was made in the Royal Navy it was kind of Captain Jack >> Barrow >> Barrow and Furnace uh and he's like literally on born on a ship and then he kind of wisens up and goes straight. You know what I mean?

[00:17:43]>> Like [ __ ] are you talking about? What does that mean? Would Royal Navy avers be better if they were tailored to pirates who have live gone straight?

[00:17:53]What are you talking? Are there any pirates?

[00:17:56]>> How would that go?

[00:17:58]>> What would that mean?

[00:18:01]>> My career par I don't feel I don't feel fulfilled on this pirate boat anymore.

[00:18:10]I dream of working for something building something of my own. I'm going to go and foy my paws.

[00:18:16]>> And then what? And then it's just him repairing a boat.

[00:18:19]>> He's pouring on a pirate.

[00:18:21]>> He's in the control center and they've just they've just managed to like triangulate an Iranian missile and he's getting patted on the back.

[00:18:26]>> But it's like an old school pirate.

[00:18:28]>> Yeah.

[00:18:29]>> Do I think so? The question >> they're like and then there's a woman who's kind of got like slick hair. She's wearing a shirt and she's got tapping on the back and he goes he says um he's like, "Are you proud? Are you proud of me?" She goes, "R, >> so for this edition of Do You Know or Do You Think, whatever it was by Charlie Milner, you're asking me, do I think that the Royal Navy adverts would be better if they were tailored to old pirates who then transitioned into the modern Navy?"

[00:18:59]>> I'm just saying it might be more engaging than these stupid propaganda videos they put out.

[00:19:04]>> Less propaganda, it'll be more like, are they doing a drive for pirates? For kind of 15th century pirates at the moment. I think it just shows that like anyone can make it, >> even 15th century pirates. Right. Well, that seems like a lovely time to jump into Thinkers's corner where we're going to hear from the best and brightest minds who've ever lived and ever have lived. And this week is no different as we investigate the topic of pirates this week.

[00:19:23]>> Who do we have in the ship?

[00:19:24]>> Get into the microphone, you maniac.

[00:19:28]>> Who do we have in >> Who do we have in the ship, we ask?

[00:19:31]Well, first of all, we've got Billy isish. Welcome, Billy isish.

[00:19:34]>> Iish.

[00:19:36]>> I think you're over your limit now. Uh, take it away, Billy. Um, pirate was going to be my name, but then my uncle had a problem with it because pirates are bad. Thank you, Billy. Um, how do you go from pirate to Billy?

[00:19:48]>> Pirate is she had stood no chance.

[00:19:51]>> I don't know cuz there was a kid at my school called Ellis Ellis Lawson. And I was fascinated with him and his family because what kind of parents call their son Ellis with the second name Ellis Lawson? I've been fascinated with this family for a while and one of my friends sisters is actually good friends with Ellis Ellis Lawson and we met up um at the pub and she's I spoke about it for about two hours because she knew the family well. The family are bizarre as you'd imagine.

[00:20:18]>> Ellis Ellis Lawson.

[00:20:19]>> Ellis Ellis.

[00:20:20]>> Are they called the Ellis Lawsons?

[00:20:21]>> Yeah.

[00:20:21]>> And what's the dad called?

[00:20:23]>> I don't know.

[00:20:24]>> Um Lawson. Ellis Lawson possibly.

[00:20:26]>> But to go from pirate to Billy if but how is Billy your second choice? It's like it's either pirate or Billy. That's like saying, "Oh, I'm even going to call my son Radiator or Paul." Do you know what I mean?

[00:20:35]>> I guess there maybe there are some famous pirates called >> name one famous pirate. What?

[00:20:42]>> Who's Billy Bragg?

[00:20:43]>> I don't know.

[00:20:45]>> Pirate is just just doesn't I think that's an illegal name. There are some names that are illegal, right? You can't be called pirate. That kid stand the kid stands no chance.

[00:20:52]>> What names are illegal?

[00:20:54]>> Like kind of [ __ ] or like >> It's not illegal.

[00:20:57]>> I think it is illegal to call your child like >> No, it's not. I could call my kid Come Carwin. What do you want to name your kid?

[00:21:04]>> Mariana and Red.

[00:21:10]>> I want to call him Mariana.

[00:21:11]>> Red.

[00:21:12]>> Red. Red Milner.

[00:21:14]>> Red Milner.

[00:21:14]>> Uh I want The little boy should be called Red and the girl should be called Mariana.

[00:21:18]>> Why Red?

[00:21:20]>> Uh I just like it.

[00:21:21]>> Red like the character from Shaw Shank Redemption.

[00:21:24]>> Red.

[00:21:24]>> Red. Milner.

[00:21:27]>> You don't like it? Not even really.

[00:21:29]>> Clearly don't like it. I see.

[00:21:30]>> Red. R D.

[00:21:31]>> My name Re.

[00:21:34]>> I've been saying I've been I decided he was going to be called Red about 8 years ago.

[00:21:38]>> How old were you?

[00:21:39]>> 22.

[00:21:40]>> 22.

[00:21:41]>> Yeah.

[00:21:41]>> Um >> Red Mill.

[00:21:43]>> What you going to call yours? Like kind of Net Like >> Yeah. Net Net >> Red.

[00:21:48]>> Net.

[00:21:49]>> No, you're probably We What were you going to say? Net and Yahoo.

[00:21:52]>> No. Neptune.

[00:21:53]>> Neptune. Kervin. Yes.

[00:21:56]Yeah. Net. Neptune net and Yahoo Kerwin.

[00:21:59]That's the [ __ ] trailer. There's obviously >> [ __ ] Itar Bengavir by the way.

[00:22:05]>> Um, [ __ ] me.

[00:22:07]>> Um, Billy, you misunderstand pirates.

[00:22:09]They're not just bad. And I actually think it would have been really hard to be a pirate if you're kind of an insecure pirate.

[00:22:14]>> I don't know what insecure >> be insecure pirate.

[00:22:16]>> Are you annoyed with me?

[00:22:18]>> That's good. That's good.

[00:22:20]>> What about all the pirates that weren't into [ __ ] booty and >> scuttle boxing? Yeah. What about those that wanted to kind of talk and actually like be good to each other?

[00:22:30]>> Pirates are criminals.

[00:22:32]>> Some of them are obviously mis pirates.

[00:22:34]They're literally robbing. Oh, basically they're just water burglars.

[00:22:38]>> No, they're not. That's a completely unfair.

[00:22:40]>> What do you think a pirate? You're just confusing.

[00:22:42]>> Pirates are kind of entrepreneurs >> the sea. They're just like dragons denning it around the sea.

[00:22:46]>> Legally?

[00:22:46]>> Yeah. No, more just kind of in in the way that gazers will do cashing a boat.

[00:22:51]>> Cash in hand. It's sort of it's it's unofficial.

[00:22:53]>> Pirate isn't like working at a market selling pears.

[00:22:57]>> What the [ __ ] are you talking about?

[00:22:58]>> It can be some some of them are obviously doing like gang rapes and murder, but some of them are just >> They're robbing.

[00:23:04]>> Here you go, mate.

[00:23:05]>> What do you mean?

[00:23:05]>> I'll throw in the washing machine if you give me another tenner.

[00:23:08]>> They would do some legal practices alongside illegal practice. But being a pirate is being outside the law. You could have sometimes >> outside Andrew. Fat fat of the sea. Fat of the land. It's just it's it's going and earning your [ __ ] keep and starting a business out at sea.

[00:23:21]>> Well, you there was such a thing called legalized pirating.

[00:23:24]>> Legalizing >> legalize the pirates.

[00:23:30]Legalize the pirates.

[00:23:39]Anyway, u um >> there was such a thing called >> cha >> there was such a thing called legalized pirating. I think it was privateeering or something.

[00:23:51]>> Privateeering is a form of buccaneering and privateeering are forms of piracy.

[00:23:55]>> There's no need to shout. Um, but what what it was >> I need you to know >> during during times of war that they would they would contract pirates out to go and do their thing but you know against they'd go and like steal from the Spanish or attack Spanish boats.

[00:24:08]>> I see.

[00:24:10]>> So they'd be kind of like they're the men that I'd hire to beat up my dad if he was a pedo.

[00:24:14]>> Yeah. You could you could enlist the work of some private >> get some pirates over.

[00:24:17]>> Yeah. Get some pirates over to go beat up your pedo dad.

[00:24:20]>> Little beard, fat beard, big boy beard.

[00:24:22]Go over hurt him.

[00:24:24]>> Hurt him. I don't want that to happen.

[00:24:26]My dad is not a pedo.

[00:24:27]>> But Charlie, I've got some bad news for you.

[00:24:29]>> Can I have the good news first, please?

[00:24:30]>> You could have the good news first. They sell orange juice downstairs >> with bits. Juicy bits >> from concentrate.

[00:24:38]>> Um, but a lot of the things that >> I got ADHD.

[00:24:42]>> A lot of the things that we think we know about pirates are actually myths and they're not true. We're going to bust some pirate myths. Myths.

[00:24:49]>> Okay, let's do it.

[00:24:50]>> Let's bust some pirate myths. Okay.

[00:24:52]Right. Charlie, you what? Give me some things.

[00:24:54]>> So, you mean to say they've been lying to us?

[00:24:56]>> Yes. Not really. Um, but you right. You give me some things that you'd think when you say I'm going to say the word pirate. What comes to mind?

[00:25:02]>> Let's walk the plank.

[00:25:03]>> Myth.

[00:25:04]>> Completely.

[00:25:05]>> Complete myth.

[00:25:06]>> Not even one plank.

[00:25:07]>> Not even one. Well, there are no verified historical records of pirates making their prisoners walk the plank.

[00:25:12]If they wanted to get rid of someone, they simply threw them overboard or used a brutal punishment called keyhauling.

[00:25:17]Dragging a person underneath the ship.

[00:25:19]>> That's horrific. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be keyhauled other than if I'm, you know, in the right circumstances with a boner.

[00:25:25]>> Glory hall.

[00:25:26]>> Um, this myth came largely from JM Barry who wrote Piece of Pan. [ __ ] you, JM Barry. Used it to add >> time's ticking. Tick tock, Jim and Barry.

[00:25:37]>> I imagine he's dead. Um, who used it to add dramatic impact to his stories. [ __ ] you, Jay and Barry. Stop giving us false representations of what pirates actually are. I do think that walking the plank would have been much more satisfying and terrifying. I mean, it's much better than throwing them off. I suppose that they got quotas and they're, you know, it's a factory.

[00:25:55]>> Pirates do have quotas to hit.

[00:25:57]>> It's like, you know, let's get rid of this [ __ ] guy now. We've got seas to sail.

[00:26:00]>> Yeah. Jiminy's just stolen all the oranges from the poop deck.

[00:26:03]>> We're not doing the pageantry of walking the plank.

[00:26:05]>> We've just got to get rid of him.

[00:26:06]>> Drown him now.

[00:26:07]>> We've got a We've got uh land to uh navigate. Not land. They're in the sea.

[00:26:12]We've got the great >> to avoid. They got a land. They got >> We've got land to avoid. We've got booty to find and we've got navy to kill. I'm not gonna spend time putting out a plank just so a [ __ ] criminal can, you know.

[00:26:23]>> But then equally, surely dragging them under the ship is quite a timeconsuming thing. Or is there Did it just not occur to them to do the plank?

[00:26:30]>> I don't think that. But there's no point of the plank, is there? If you're going to make someone go in the ocean, >> scare the willies at them.

[00:26:36]>> Yeah, but so just But just throw them off. What's the point? Just throw them off. I suppose it's a bit of pomp and pageantry. Andrew.

[00:26:43]>> Well, as I say, the pirates are very pragmatic people and there's no time for this nonsense. They're off the boat.

[00:26:48]Walking the plank doesn't exist. Myth busted. Give me another thing. I say pirate. You say >> um parrots.

[00:26:55]>> Pirates. Not myth.

[00:26:58]>> Nothing to bust. They did have parrots frequently. So given the fact the pirates are sailing all around the world, they would encounter exotic animals that would be worth a lot when selling them back at home. So it was compresses for pirates to capture these animals. So pirates often did have exotic animals to sell back home. Myth not busted.

[00:27:15]>> I guess the thing with parrots is that it's a bit of company, isn't it?

[00:27:18]>> It is. Yeah.

[00:27:18]>> It's nice to maybe we should get you a parrot.

[00:27:21]>> But the problem is they don't talk to you in a comforting way. They just repeat what you already say to yourself.

[00:27:26]And to be honest, >> you say some bad things.

[00:27:28]>> Yeah.

[00:27:28]>> So your parro just say, "I'm useless.

[00:27:30]Nobody nobody wants me.

[00:27:31]>> Nobody wants to spend time with me.

[00:27:32]What's the point of going out today?"

[00:27:33]>> I suppose that you know I mean what we discovered in Boy, >> right? Interesting discovery.

[00:27:37]>> Interesting.

[00:27:38]>> If pigs or dogs ruled the world.

[00:27:40]>> What? I don't remember that.

[00:27:41]>> Um, parrots would just bark and oink.

[00:27:44]>> Yes. If p Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What we discovered, what you discovered in Boys Wild is that parrots don't just imitate humans. It's an >> whoever's the um superior race.

[00:27:52]>> Do a parrot imitating a pig.

[00:28:02]When I say pirate, you say how high.

[00:28:06]>> Um, when I say pirate, you say me. Pirate. Me. When I say pirate, you say ship.

[00:28:15]>> Ship.

[00:28:16]>> No, they had ships. Obviously.

[00:28:18]>> Um, it is not a myth that they went around on ships.

[00:28:21]>> Scurvy.

[00:28:22]>> Not a myth.

[00:28:23]>> Of course they had scurvy. Yes, >> they're eating [ __ ] >> Think of classic pirate things.

[00:28:28]>> Okay. Hook. That's just one bloke.

[00:28:32]>> Cannons.

[00:28:33]>> No.

[00:28:34]>> John Silver. The long one.

[00:28:36]>> No.

[00:28:37]>> Um, Blackbeards.

[00:28:39]>> No.

[00:28:40]>> Eye patch.

[00:28:41]>> Myth.

[00:28:42]>> Well, surely not.

[00:28:43]>> Well, well, is it a myth or is it or is it not a myth? While some pirates wore eye patches due to actual injuries, so there was actually eye patches.

[00:28:52]>> A lot of them were faking it. Many wore them to keep one eye permanently adjusted to the dark.

[00:28:57]>> When moving from bright sunlit deck to the pitch black lower decks, they could simply shift the patch and have an instant night vision.

[00:29:04]>> Excuse me, sir. I need to get my night eye out.

[00:29:06]>> That's pretty good.

[00:29:07]>> It is pretty good. Maybe we should wear eye patches anyway, cuz I'd love to be adjusted to the dark when necessary.

[00:29:12]>> But does that mean if they got their night eye out in the daytime, it would be lazy and and um kind of defunct.

[00:29:17]>> But they don't cuz they've got their eye patch on. But if they did, I I I dread to think what would happen if they took their eye patch out in the daylight.

[00:29:24]>> It would look awful.

[00:29:25]>> It's kind of crusty.

[00:29:26]>> Canankerous.

[00:29:27]>> Canankerous. Crusty eye.

[00:29:30]>> Um. Uh. Okay. I say pirate. You say >> shiver me timbers.

[00:29:35]>> Well, Charlie, that's a myth. The accent itself is a myth.

[00:29:39]>> Doesn't exist. Do a pirate accent.

[00:29:42]>> Are you okay? Annie, are Annie, are you okay?

[00:29:46]>> Myth doesn't That accent didn't exist.

[00:29:47]The current understanding of the pirate accent that we have today is a complete fabrication.

[00:29:51]>> So how would they have taught in sort of simish?

[00:29:54]>> Yeah, me.

[00:29:56]>> Yes. Um it's a complete fabrication. It was invented by the actor Robert Newton who played Long John Silver in Disney's Treasure Island films in 1950. He used his native Somerset accent and put a bit of schwaz on it. It was just one bloke's idea and then it turned into a cultural force.

[00:30:10]>> I mean that one definitely works for them. The kind of I need to stop doing it. Um, and finally, another myth is buried treasure. They didn't bury their treasure.

[00:30:20]>> Too busy bloody eating it.

[00:30:21]>> Well, yeah. Essentially, pirates almost never buried their loot. The myth largely stems from Robert Louis Stevenson's classic uh Treasure Island.

[00:30:28]In reality, pirates live perilous lives and prefer to spend their solid goods on food, rum, and entertainment. We all know what that means. As quickly as possible. Of course, I'm not burying.

[00:30:38]>> Why can't I buy it? I'm not [ __ ] around. I'm not putting my money in in the sand.

[00:30:42]>> Yeah, I've got [ __ ] to buy now. I need to eat and >> trying to get [ __ ] I'm trying to get [ __ ] basically. Yeah. So, there's no buried treasure around. So, stop looking very sharely. All of your weekend excursions to the Shhatland Islands are pointless.

[00:30:54]>> It's kind of interesting cuz pirates were surprisingly woke in some ways.

[00:30:59]>> In what way?

[00:31:00]>> I guess just go out there. It's sort of the life of a traveler.

[00:31:03]>> The the ships were very democratic. So, uh they had a very stringent lifestyle on the mainland which wasn't very democratic at all, Charlie. Okay. Um it was very different to see voting in they voted in captains and um yeah they voted in captains they liked and those that they didn't and voted out those that they didn't.

[00:31:20]>> Yeah.

[00:31:20]>> Uh they very they'd call lots of meetings and then you'd get some then you'd eventually maybe get some mutinies and marooning.

[00:31:26]>> Mutiny. I do like mutiny of a dish.

[00:31:29]>> What's mutiny?

[00:31:31]>> Pepper.

[00:31:32]>> Pepper.

[00:31:32]>> Spiced pepper.

[00:31:33]>> Pepper.

[00:31:35]>> Pig.

[00:31:35]>> Pepper.

[00:31:36]>> By the way, >> what's mutiny? Peppa. Also, I have mentioned this, but I I haven't told you.

[00:31:41]>> What?

[00:31:41]>> Um, my mate lived with Peppa Pig in Berlin and they uh doing poppers.

[00:31:47]>> Peppa Pig.

[00:31:47]>> Do you mean the voice of Peppa Pig?

[00:31:48]>> Yeah. Obviously, not the >> It's not obviously not with you.

[00:31:51]Sometimes >> Peppa Pig the voice of was living with my mate and he was like, "What do you do?" And I think they quite she didn't she wasn't that full coming with it. But after a little while, they established that she was the voice of Peppa Pig.

[00:32:01]>> What did she say when she did Poppers?

[00:32:03]>> She oink.

[00:32:04]>> Oh, oink.

[00:32:05]>> I've never heard Peppa Pig. Um, but there you go. Yeah. So there was there was democratic there was there was a quite democratic space the pirate ships.

[00:32:12]>> It makes sense.

[00:32:13]>> Yeah.

[00:32:13]>> Because I think the smaller the world that you live in >> Yeah.

[00:32:18]>> physically the more there is need for votes. It's like in a big on a big you know they can [ __ ] around with this is my um political corner >> right.

[00:32:27]>> They can [ __ ] around with us because the world is massive. If we all lived on a tiny ball, which we do, I guess if we all lived on like a tiny in like one tiny room, >> we need to have a [ __ ] vote.

[00:32:39]>> Why?

[00:32:39]>> Cuz cuz it's so direct. Like the smaller the world is, the more impactful individual decisions are and the more we can get the captain. I suppose it's actually >> there's more accountability.

[00:32:49]>> How how easily can we reach you and drown you?

[00:32:51]>> Yeah.

[00:32:51]>> If we could if we could just grab Kia Starmer or Kia Farmer.

[00:32:55]>> Yeah. If we could grab Karma or Mussolini and drown them immediately, >> they'd probably make some different decisions.

[00:33:01]>> Yeah.

[00:33:01]>> Yeah.

[00:33:02]>> If we had access to immediate death >> when we could all just grab you.

[00:33:07]>> Yeah. No, it's it's true. Yeah.

[00:33:09]>> It's because it's much easier to get you >> because what else are you going to do other than have democracy on a pirate ship when you've just got if a captain's, you know, a prick, it's like, well, there's like 20 of us.

[00:33:18]>> We'll [ __ ] grab you, man.

[00:33:19]>> We're in the We're in the middle of the ocean. We've got knives and cannons.

[00:33:24]>> We're doing a vote. obviously doing a vote. That's true. But there was other ways in which they were quite woke.

[00:33:29]Obviously, they were quite good at progressive hiring. A lot of women on board.

[00:33:32]>> Yeah. But they were also all pretending to be men according to the films.

[00:33:35]>> Not all of them. No.

[00:33:36]>> Many were just quite famous women pirates. They weren't it wasn't as prevalent as some sources might say.

[00:33:43]>> Um I'm not calling out any particular pirate historian because I don't [ __ ] know any.

[00:33:48]>> I don't imagine they're very respected the historians.

[00:33:50]>> Why? because they're just constantly shouting like R and who goes there and like are you ready for the I have a permit are um they also >> are you are you in a position to read my book?

[00:34:10]>> Uh they also um were very good at workers compensation. They would share out their booty amongst the amongst the men of the and women of the ship.

[00:34:18]>> Sounds like we could take a leave out of that book. Andrew, >> excuse me.

[00:34:21]Sounds like we could take a leaf out of their book. Andrew, >> what you want to share our >> I want to share my booty around.

[00:34:25]>> Right. Yes, of course I said the word booty.

[00:34:28]>> What were they like about the um the gay rights?

[00:34:32]>> Um not there was a gay pirate. It was quite a prolific gay pirate who was a really bad pirate actually. I can't remember his name, but I read him read about him somewhere.

[00:34:40]>> Batty beard.

[00:34:41]>> Batty bird.

[00:34:42]>> Batty beard.

[00:34:43]>> Batty beard.

[00:34:44]>> Big bund beard.

[00:34:46]>> Big bunda beard.

[00:34:48]Maybe >> you'd hope he just pillages you.

[00:34:53]>> I'm not sure you could somebody in to make them [ __ ] you. I think if you have a big bum and you want to do some >> what I think it's very hard to like as a I imagine >> you nearly said as a >> I imagine I imagine like logistically >> as a as a >> Unix Unix are not able to because um because like I mean this is awful but as a as a if you were a with a with a ginormous bund it would be like well good luck with that Because I'm not going to [ __ ] you. If you're me, you're [ __ ] me. How dare you suggest that I [ __ ] you.

[00:35:33]What?

[00:35:34]Just say that again. But as a with a big bund, the bund is useless because nobody's going to touch it because you can't make me [ __ ] you. You can [ __ ] You can make you [ __ ] me, but you're not making me do anything to you. That doesn't make any sense.

[00:35:49]>> I don't imagine. I don't imagine on the >> women can men can get >> Yeah, I know. But it's slightly different. I'm talking about a man and it is different.

[00:35:59]>> Yeah, >> obviously men can get but it's obviously different.

[00:36:02]>> So sorry, your point is that if aist had a big ass >> then what?

[00:36:07]>> Good. That is ab of absolutely no use during THE >> Do you know what I mean?

[00:36:23]I guess I know what you mean.

[00:36:27]>> Anyway, let's get back on >> Let's get back on track. Um, another thing I want to talk about, Andrew, quickly, if I may.

[00:36:34]>> Yeah.

[00:36:34]>> Um, my non-pedo dad made these trousers, and I've never found a time to wear them.

[00:36:40]>> Does it make someone more likely or less likely to be a pedophile if they make trousers? I'd argue more.

[00:36:45]>> No, I think >> the trouser making nons.

[00:36:48]>> No, for the trouser destroying nons actually. So, somebody who who hates trousers >> or he might make specialist trousers that make it easy to >> with bum chaps.

[00:36:55]>> Bum chaps. Yeah.

[00:36:56]>> Get your bum out chaps.

[00:36:58]>> Get your bum out chaps. I'd like to see it.

[00:37:00]>> Um, >> so your dad made those?

[00:37:01]>> My dad made these and I literally can never bring myself to wear them because >> So, what was >> They're not appropriate. It's called Trady. He's got a His trousers are called Tratdi trousers.

[00:37:10]>> Wait, is this his business?

[00:37:11]>> Yeah, he's got another one.

[00:37:12]>> So, he's got he's making n he's making a plane. He's got an ice cream van and he makes trousers. What else does he do?

[00:37:18]>> He is working on it. He's working on um Full Brook Robotics, which is a thing that hoists old people out of bed.

[00:37:25]>> Is that a joke?

[00:37:26]>> No.

[00:37:26]>> Your dad is making a machine that hoist old people.

[00:37:29]>> He's working on it.

[00:37:30]>> What's that one called?

[00:37:32]>> Fullbrrook Robotics.

[00:37:33]>> Full Robotics.

[00:37:34]>> Fullbrrook Robotics.

[00:37:36]>> Is it an official company?

[00:37:37]>> It's going to be >> to hoist old people out of bed.

[00:37:40]>> Yeah, like a little crane that lives in your house.

[00:37:44]>> He wants to make one.

[00:37:45]>> Wouldn't that just only work in like a hospital? Cuz I feel like if you need to be hoisted out of bed by a machine, then you probably should be in full-time care.

[00:37:52]>> No, cuz it might just be nice. I'd be like, I'd enjoy being hoisted all the time.

[00:37:54]>> So, it's not just for elderly people.

[00:37:56]It's for people who can't be bothered to get >> the system if you wanted.

[00:37:59]>> Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. So, there might be strong market appeal for all of it.

[00:38:02]>> Hopefully.

[00:38:03]>> Where does he get this time?

[00:38:05]>> He's full of ideas. Um he but he makes >> he's like an in he's a bit like Phineas Fog, isn't he?

[00:38:09]>> Yeah. He's Pinky in the brain. He let me um he let me sort of decide the build.

[00:38:14]But yeah, these are Traty trousers.

[00:38:15]Yeah. Shout out to them and shout out to my dad who is a pedophile.

[00:38:20]>> Uh the eagle-eyed viewers amongst you might realize that we're in different clothing. No, we haven't had a mid- episode costume change. Uh Charlie forgot that he needed to go to Poland, so we had to leave the record to go to Poland.

[00:38:32]>> I had to take the walk to Poland.

[00:38:34]>> Um I had to go there for a 30th.

[00:38:36]>> I get times confused >> and I want to apologize publicly for that. So I've come instead as a kind of French uh exchange pirate. I'm an intern French pirate.

[00:38:46]>> Yeah.

[00:38:47]>> On the HMS Onion >> who's been fundamentally changed by his time on the continent. Uh but the investigations will never cease and our deep dive into pirates is about to continue right now. Really is.

[00:38:58]>> We've returned with a more of a sense of pirates. For example, the Polish word for pirate is pirat.

[00:39:04]>> And that's information we couldn't have got from the UK. We needed our man in the ground on Poland to understand.

[00:39:08]>> I had to go over there and be like, "Guys, let's hear about maybe some of the very first pirates that ever existed."

[00:39:14]>> Okay. H. What might the these be? Let's while they dig into it. Mysterious sea peoples.

[00:39:23]Ooh. Uh, the sea peoples are one of the most mysterious forces in ancient history.

[00:39:28]>> The sea peoples. to see the mysterious sea peoples appearing in Egyptian records around the late Bronze Age, roughly the 12th century BCE, as a confederation of seafaring raiders and migrants who swept across the east and Mediterranean.

[00:39:43]Rather than a single nation, they seem to have been a loose coalition of different groups. That's probably why they're peoples. Imagine a people as one group and peoples is a a mixed >> like a pod, >> like a shaw. So they were possibly displaced peoples from collapsing societies in the Ajian, Antlia and beyond who moved by land and sea during a time of widespread upheaval. They are most famously linked to attacks on powerful states like the new kingdom of Egypt and are often described in inscriptions as having brought devastation to cities and coastlines.

[00:40:10]>> What was their problem?

[00:40:12]>> I think a lot of people had just a lot of problems back in that day.

[00:40:15]>> No money, loads of problems.

[00:40:18]>> Yeah. Well, no food, warfare.

[00:40:21]>> I don't know who I am. Yeah, >> less of a kind of introspective crisis.

[00:40:26]>> No, but I don't know who I am. What the [ __ ] is my name? I'm essentially like a kind of like cattle. I'm a I'm basically a pig person. I'm just like, what? I don't have a name. I don't know my birthday.

[00:40:34]>> They had names.

[00:40:36]>> Okay. Well, I want at some point I'd like to touch on all the people in the back in the day who didn't even have names really >> other than like Brown Boy. Not that other than like Brown like Red um hair.

[00:40:48]>> Lester.

[00:40:49]>> Red Lester.

[00:40:50]>> Red hair.

[00:40:51]>> They didn't have names. They just had like identifying features and it's not [ __ ] right.

[00:40:55]>> They should have been called things like Tonifer. Tony >> Tonifer, >> the first trans caveman. Tony >> Tony and Jennifer.

[00:41:03]>> Um, >> you heard?

[00:41:07]>> Yeah.

[00:41:07]>> Okay.

[00:41:08]>> Sorry. What was your point? You're talking about the these I don't fully know what you're getting at to be honest.

[00:41:15]>> Me?

[00:41:18]>> With what? The mysterious sea people.

[00:41:19]>> Yeah. What about them? They were They were rolling around in the sea. Big big >> Are you saying who cares?

[00:41:25]>> I'm kind of saying >> big big whoop.

[00:41:26]>> I'm saying what what >> your response to this bit of research is big whoop.

[00:41:29]>> So what?

[00:41:30]>> So what?

[00:41:31]>> What's your point?

[00:41:32]>> What do you mean? What point? I'm not making some sort of broad point. I'm just discussing an interesting part of history.

[00:41:38]>> Why is that interesting? They were >> You don't find the mysterious sea peoples in any way interesting.

[00:41:42]>> They're kind of mysterious in a way that's like >> why are they like punk mysterious?

[00:41:46]>> They're just like anyone who It's like somebody who says that they're kind of hyper. It's like you're [ __ ] >> you. You're comparing the mysterious sea peoples to people who've had too much cola or physical.

[00:41:55]>> I'm comparing them to people who think that they're kind of who would describe themselves as random.

[00:42:00]>> So the the mysterious sea peoples are just random people on social media.

[00:42:05]>> Yeah, this is the point. They're not that they why why are they what what is interesting about them? Sorry, Andrew, I've cut you off and >> what's interesting about the mysterious sea peoples who no one really knew who they were. There were no records of them really. There were just this kind of group of this band of mad coalition of crazy different people that would come together and just sail around on boats in the ancient world and rob and pillage.

[00:42:25]>> What who are these people?

[00:42:27]>> No one really knows where they came from. They just arrive. The only real um documentation of them is from like cave drawings. Not cave drawings. Well, >> but something in the >> People don't know where they come from.

[00:42:38]>> It's kind of interesting that >> they know where they came from.

[00:42:42]>> Do you know how eels reproduce? And I will there is a link here.

[00:42:46]Do you know this? I don't know how. No one knows. That's the problem.

[00:42:48]>> No one knows how eels reproduce.

[00:42:50]>> No. No. They apparently all eels >> Yeah.

[00:42:52]>> All eels go to a certain point in the sea.

[00:42:56]>> Yeah.

[00:42:56]>> And then they come out and then there's more of them. No one.

[00:42:58]>> But we've never been able to see it.

[00:42:59]>> We've never seen eels reproduce. Can we find out what the sea is? Have you got your phone?

[00:43:02]>> Eels reproduction is one of the most famously mysterious life cycles in the natural world. For centuries, the process stumped scientists until satellite tracking and oceanic expeditions began to uncover the truth.

[00:43:12]uh the Saraso Sea.

[00:43:13]>> They all go to the Saraso Sea and then they reproduce and more of them come out. No one knows where they're from. In the same way with these ancient random random pirates, nobody knows where they're from. Andrew, >> as eels make this journey, they stop eating. Their digestive tracts dissolve and their sexual organs develop for the first time.

[00:43:29]>> Yep. Less mouth, more knob.

[00:43:31]>> Um so that is like the mysterious sea people, >> I guess. So in the sense that people don't know where they they just spawn out of the sea.

[00:43:38]>> Yeah. Okay. I see the connection. So there Well, there you go. Now, are you now interested in them now that they're like the eels?

[00:43:44]>> That sounds right up my alley. Andrew, >> what makes them so fascinating is that they are both vividly recorded and deeply elusive. We know them largely through the accounts of who who fought them, especially Egyptian pharaohs.

[00:43:53]>> Who would have thought it?

[00:43:54]>> Yet, we still don't know exactly who they are, where most of them came from, or whether they were invaders, refugees, or both. That ambiguity turns the sea peoples into a kind of historical shadow. Part conquerors, part migrants, >> invaders or refugees. I imagine the bloody daily start sun would have had a blooming field day with that one.

[00:44:09]Andrew, >> the the Daily Hierglyph, >> the Daily HierriF would have been like, "Ooh, >> rapist coming out of the sea."

[00:44:16]>> Yeah, right. Sure.

[00:44:18]Have a cup of tea with it. Him.

[00:44:20]>> Well, in fairness, if there's a I if I'm living in a country and there's suddenly a barrage of mysterious sea people coming in and raiding me, I might say, "Can you not do that, please?"

[00:44:32]>> Well, you are Nigel Farage's wet dream.

[00:44:36]>> Nigel Farage's wet dream. Yeah, Nigel Farage has become bucking.

[00:44:40]>> So, we should welcome the mysterious sea peoples in.

[00:44:42]>> Well, if they're if they're mysterious and they've got something to offer, then quite possibly. Andrew, >> I don't think they've got much to offer other than robbing and killing.

[00:44:50]>> Well, maybe they can be reasoned with.

[00:44:52]>> I don't think the mysterious sea people sound like the most reasonable group to me.

[00:44:56]>> I guess you just probably take their stuff, take them hostage and just do nasty [ __ ] to them until they yield.

[00:45:02]>> Let's torture them. Let's wear these kind of torture them. They've got these kind of they all dress like they're from [ __ ] Cyberdog in Camden. They just >> they need to they need to stop uh they need to start embracing who they really are. Andrew, >> I think. Then who are they?

[00:45:15]>> We don't know.

[00:45:16]>> We have no idea.

[00:45:17]>> Well, there you go. Those they were the first kind of pirates and they you know kind of mysterious ghostlike people cuz I guess you know once we harness the ability to sail on the sea then anyone's just going to jump on there.

[00:45:27]>> Yeah. I me and you could get out there.

[00:45:29]>> We could get out there.

[00:45:30]>> I'm actually thinking about it right now.

[00:45:33]>> What? thinking I'm thinking about the sea raging on right now. I was in How are you finding it?

[00:45:39]>> I'm enjoying it.

[00:45:40]>> Okay.

[00:45:40]>> Is that what's happening in your head during a podcast? Just the sea rages on.

[00:45:44]>> I'm I do think often. I was in brother high tunnel earlier driving about and thinking about the [ __ ] like the Pacific is just absolutely churning.

[00:45:52]>> What a mad it is. Yeah, >> it's so it's just completely it couldn't give a [ __ ] about us.

[00:45:57]>> Absolutely not.

[00:45:58]>> It's just churning right now out there.

[00:46:00]It's everything is coming together perfectly. If humans can't see air, then can fish see water?

[00:46:11]>> Um, no. No, they can't, Andrew.

[00:46:16]>> And therefore, a fascinating question.

[00:46:18]>> We can see water, so can fish see air?

[00:46:25]>> Yes.

[00:46:26]>> You think it's You think it's down the line like that?

[00:46:27]>> It's perfectly um matched.

[00:46:30]>> Perfect. It's a perfect match. I think the reason fish can see air is because air well they're used to the water, aren't they?

[00:46:38]>> I guess. Yeah.

[00:46:39]>> And up there, they probably might they might come across a little bit a little a little boat or an island. Andrew, >> we're getting into specifics here and we we shouldn't dwell on them.

[00:46:48]>> Specifics is one word for what we're getting into. But there you go. The mysterious sea peoples, the first pirates cloaked in mystery, and we'll never know about them. And I don't care to know about them. Print the legend at all. You don't I know you don't care about them, >> but I do I do know about them now.

[00:47:04]>> And I guess that's what can be said for this podcast.

[00:47:06]>> We all agree on that. So Andrew, I've done some research of my own. This isn't strictly pirates, but it is sea fairing based. And I do hope you'll appreciate the effort I've gone to.

[00:47:14]>> I'm sure I will >> to give you something. Okay. Now, Andrew, have you heard of the Bajow people?

[00:47:20]>> I haven't.

[00:47:20]>> I'm not talking about badges, although we should get them off the roads. The Baja, also called Bad Jao or Samadout, um, are indigenous maritime peoples of Southeast Asia, known for their historic nomadic life at sea. Right. The reason why I like them is because they essentially live on the waters.

[00:47:38]Only a few hundred families nowadays live on the water still, but they're exclusively seafaring. So, >> just on boats or >> on kind of reads and boats. reads.

[00:47:48]>> I'm pretty sure it's readed, although that might be a kind of relatively um insensitive stereotype. I've just >> right >> I've just thought of traditionally inhabiting the waters between the Philippines, Malaysia, and and Indonesia. They are often described as sea nomads. And apparently the reason I like them, there are some stories that they feel dizzy on land after long periods at sea. So they >> That's why you like them because they feel dizzy on land.

[00:48:12]>> They get landick.

[00:48:13]>> That's kind of fun actually. They get land sick.

[00:48:15]>> That's crazy.

[00:48:17]Because their their bodies just adjusted to the the hum of the ocean.

[00:48:22]Exactly. Yeah, I guess it makes sense.

[00:48:24]>> Can we get air sick? Nah.

[00:48:26]>> Yes.

[00:48:27]>> Air sickness.

[00:48:28]>> I don't know what that would even mean.

[00:48:30]>> Ground sickness.

[00:48:31]>> Well, we get sick on the gland if we eat something like a dodgy curry, Andrew, but that's very much not what we're talking about here.

[00:48:38]So, traditionally, um, they still come ashore for trade, freshwater, marriages, ceremonies to go to the garage and, um, maybe have a quick pop to the old, um, leisure center.

[00:48:51]>> Yeah. What's in what's what would a leisure center be for?

[00:48:53]>> But it's a bit of a breath.

[00:48:54]>> More water >> maybe for those that are >> get off the water, guys, at that point.

[00:48:58]>> Um, but there's also much more to them than just the land sickness. They >> Why do they live this kind of existence?

[00:49:04]>> It's just a big [ __ ] you to the man. Do you think >> it's kind of like >> a maritime [ __ ] you?

[00:49:07]>> I think it probably is just a traditional, you know, there's plenty water. Water water everywhere. Why don't we go live on it?

[00:49:13]>> Yeah. Yeah.

[00:49:14]>> Rather than getting confined in happier when I'm around water.

[00:49:18]>> I agree. What's your star sign?

[00:49:21]>> Virgo.

[00:49:23]>> I'm Pisces. One of the most fascinating findings about the bad came from a 2018 genetic study where many divers have unusually large spleens.

[00:49:32]>> Question. Sorry to lower the tone with that >> question.

[00:49:35]>> Go on.

[00:49:35]>> What the [ __ ] is a spleen?

[00:49:37]>> A spleen?

[00:49:38]>> I've I'd never known and I've not cared enough to look it up, but it's mentioned. It's a funny word. It's used in comedy a lot cuz spleen is objectively a funny word.

[00:49:47]>> And I don't think I wonder what the percentage of people in Britain is that know >> the words what a spleen actually is. Cuz I don't. But I might be being learned >> and I I might be being [ __ ] stupid.

[00:50:00]They might be 90% and worthy it is. I don't think anyone knows what spleen is.

[00:50:03]>> Do you know what spleen is?

[00:50:04]>> It's to me it's a horrible word that kind of reminds me of a it's what people get it's what gets done in in kind of medieval battles in my head.

[00:50:12]>> Right. So I guess the answer is no. You don't know what a >> I don't know.

[00:50:15]>> The spleen is a fistsiz organ located in the upper left side of the abdomen. Acts as a crucial part of the immune and circulatory system filtering blood destroying old or damaged red blood cells producing white blood cells to fight infection and storing blood reserves.

[00:50:28]>> Is it black? Um well on this diagram it's red.

[00:50:33]>> Okay.

[00:50:33]>> But I can't also the the man is blue though so it might not be to scale color to scale to color.

[00:50:40]>> But that's the spleen. There you go. And I imagine I'm going to forget that information.

[00:50:44]>> The spleen to me is a kind of like shadow. It's like a kind of nasty version of an appendix.

[00:50:49]>> I feel I can see that.

[00:50:51]>> Um it's the shadow of the appendix. It's the appendix >> person that's got some sort of who's had some problems with the law. You know, you don't want to go in his bedroom because it's it's horrible at night.

[00:51:00]>> It whispers horrible stuff to the appendix.

[00:51:02]>> Yeah. And he's got really really really long hair.

[00:51:05]>> Yeah. Uh they have basically ginormous spleens and it it means it allows them somehow, I guess, through kind of blood cell >> blood cell production. I imagine >> they can spend hours a day under water.

[00:51:16]They can just hold their breath for ages. I mean, cumulatively, I mean, >> okay.

[00:51:20]>> And um some traditional divers will rupture their eard drums to tolerate pressure changes after deep diving. So they got ginormous spleens, holes in their ears, and they live on the water.

[00:51:30]It's quite an amazing combo, really.

[00:51:31]>> Well, at this point, you know, they're fish.

[00:51:36]>> At what point does man become fish?

[00:51:37]>> If he lives underwater, but he might live underwater.

[00:51:42]>> What?

[00:51:43]>> If he lives under underwater or underwater >> or underwater, you think fish? No.

[00:51:48]Anyway, >> um and their reasoning for living on the water.

[00:51:52]>> So they ruptured their own spleen eard drums purposely.

[00:51:55]>> Yeah. So that it can so that pressure doesn't affect.

[00:51:57]>> How do you rupture your own eardrum?

[00:51:59]>> Just give it a tweak with some wire or something.

[00:52:01]>> Something horrible like that.

[00:52:02]>> Like a spike.

[00:52:03]>> Yeah.

[00:52:04]>> I don't know. Something awful.

[00:52:06]>> The main takeaway is that they get land sick. So I mean it means that if we lived constantly in the airing cupboard.

[00:52:17]>> Yeah.

[00:52:18]>> Would we get sick if we left the airing cupboard? I suppose it's about the kind of actual life experience of being at sea. I don't think the difference between air and cupboard to living room is the same as the difference between land and sea.

[00:52:28]>> Is there any landbased sickness that you could get from moving to another land? I guess if you >> if I lived in like the Hadron Collider >> or a ball pit, >> I might get or a ball pit. I may maybe if you lived in a ball pit when you got out, you might probably feel a bit sick because you're used to the ground constantly shifting underneath you. I can't think of many worse places to live than a ball pit.

[00:52:46]>> I know. Cuz it's like who else is in here?

[00:52:49]That's not I'd probably do a quick check of that, but I guess that's there's always the risk that someone else is underneath me.

[00:52:55]>> I used to hide in ball pits as a kid for with my just jump out of my friends. I wasn't like an adult. It was completely normal.

[00:53:02]>> Fine. Yeah.

[00:53:03]>> But you can hide cuz also the air flow into the balls is is not airtight, Andrew. So you can live under the balls.

[00:53:09]>> Could you live under the balls or would you eventually just fix it?

[00:53:12]>> You'd have to find ways of eating under there. But I'm sure you could like hide.

[00:53:15]>> Yeah, Ignore eating. But could we could we not can can someone suffocate in a ball pit?

[00:53:21]>> No. So yeah, basically Andrew, >> seal people.

[00:53:25]>> Seal people um who with broken eardrums who get lantick.

[00:53:29]>> I like it.

[00:53:30]>> Can you top that? It's much better than the ancient pirates who would thought they were random.

[00:53:35]>> Yeah, I guess they are. I think your seal people do slightly top the mysterious sea peoples. It depends what you're into. If you're into kind of historical boring [ __ ] >> if you're into boring nonsense, then come over here. If you want whimsical fun, then Charlie's available. That seems like a wonderful time to jump into Patreon Valley. Um, how's the valley, Charlie?

[00:53:53]>> It is covered in black >> flags.

[00:53:58]>> Flags.

[00:53:58]>> Yeah, cutlesses abound.

[00:54:00]>> Cut is everywhere. But >> Jules, >> Yep. Not Jules Holland.

[00:54:05]>> Not Jules Holland or even uh My Auntie Jules.

[00:54:10]No, there's there's Yeah, there's black flags everywhere. Everybody is shouting R. Uh it's initially quite fun, but it's becoming really annoying and actually a bit scary.

[00:54:20]>> Okay. Yeah, >> cuz everyone's just all they're saying is R. Bill and Ben um have been they've been to drowned.

[00:54:27]>> They've been drowned.

[00:54:28]>> Bill and Ben have been drowned.

[00:54:29]>> So, is that the end of them then?

[00:54:30]>> I think this is the maybe the episode where we kill Bill and Ben.

[00:54:32]>> Damn. They've been drowned. They're finally dead.

[00:54:34]>> There's no more Bill and Ben.

[00:54:35]>> No more Bill and Ben. Uh they've been murdered.

[00:54:37]>> It was going to happen one day. They've been drowned by some pirates, some Patreon pirates. Um, and you yeah, subscribe to it and you could have >> someone's done it and then some whoever's done it has gone, I am the captain now.

[00:54:48]>> Oh, this is a question for Jude. Jude Ward after all that after all that jewels chat. It's very similar name. Hey Jude, welcome to the podcast.

[00:54:56]>> Why do Jude asks, "Why do you think pirates have been romanticized in comparison to other criminals like a shoplifter?

[00:55:03]What's so romantic about pirates?"

[00:55:05]>> Thank you ye for your question. I suppose there's a grandness to it, you know, with just walking into a Tesco's and stealing some frazzles. It isn't ideal, is it?

[00:55:13]>> Well, there's like a whole law. There's like a mythology and a law and a kind of costume. They got c they got cutesies.

[00:55:19]They got parrots. They got freaking >> treasure.

[00:55:22]>> Yeah. Well, we can >> The guy who nicks himself in his Dunlop jumper is got he's got a port pie.

[00:55:27]That's literally it.

[00:55:28]>> Yep. You can't compare port pies to cutes no matter how hard we'll try and do it on this podcast. But I guess you know there hasn't been a Disney there's not Disney movies about shoplifterss.

[00:55:36]>> I've taken up shoplifting again.

[00:55:38]>> You have you suggested we steal something earlier.

[00:55:40]>> Did I?

[00:55:41]>> Yeah.

[00:55:42]>> I >> you went you went to reckon there's drinks behind there. We should steal them.

[00:55:45]>> Oh yeah.

[00:55:45]>> And there was there was a light in your eyes that kind >> It's a bank holiday Monday and um the the cafe is closed because um the man is having a holob. So I was going to nick a coke from behind the thing. I stole a sushi from itsu. I stole a bottle of water. And I also stole a yogurt.

[00:56:04]I don't think there'll be any repercussions from that from me saying it on here. And if there are, then I've already won because we've made it so big that it are listening.

[00:56:13]So [ __ ] it.

[00:56:14]>> Okay. Why? Why the sudden start shoplifting again?

[00:56:17]>> Um because things are too expensive and I got to do what I gots to do, man.

[00:56:21]>> Are you going in and taking the yogurt and walking out or are you going and buying other stuff?

[00:56:26]>> I'm I'm literally just going in there and eating it in front of them. Now it's time to swashbuckle our way into Pete's pasture.

[00:56:33]>> Uh the pasture is radiant as ever. Of course, >> there are loads of commodors here.

[00:56:37]>> Oh, hello.

[00:56:38]>> They've taken Piracy is a crime, unfortunately. So, there is no piracy in the um pieces pasture. It's full of men in wigs apologizing and calling calling little pirates brutes. They're they're like, "You bloody brute."

[00:56:54]>> They've caught the pirates. Yeah. And they brought them to pieces of pasture >> and they're being told off. But charmingly, they're kind of getting the fingers wagged in their face and they're going, >> "Yeah." So, as ever, we're going to finish off our investigation into pirates with some pieces that we've written. This week is no different. Uh, so this is my piece. It's called Pirates and IT'S BY ME.

[00:57:12]>> STOP. STOP, GUYS. PLEASE. PLEASE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK. OH, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE. PLEASE. [ __ ] [ __ ] WELL, so that's it then. A mutiny.

[00:57:24]A marooning.

[00:57:26]They finally done it. Cowards. Oh, Captain Lavine left here with just the waves talking back to me. I suppose I could have done things differently. Paid more attention to their needs.

[00:57:39]Listen more. It's just not easy being a captain. I must stay mentally agile. I could be here for a long time. Got to keep the mind sharp and rational. That rock's talking to me. Stop talking to me, Rock. I've got things to do. Okay, fine, Rock. I will eat my own [ __ ] Perhaps I will cover myself in leaves and then I could be quite a donkey. Yes, good donkey work for a good donkey boy.

[00:58:04]Very good. Yes. Oh, look there. It's a bottle of sauce. Very good and tasty.

[00:58:09]All in a day's work. I I think I think I'll like it here. Into the water I go to breathe. Must breathe in the water to live.

[00:58:21]Yes. Yes. Lovely water.

[00:58:25]All in a day's water. I'm marooned. Just we were marooned with my friends.

[00:58:32]Rock, grass, sand, and ore.

[00:58:37]Five of us.

[00:58:39]Just the five of us.

[00:58:42]Marooned.

[00:58:46]Hang on a minute.

[00:58:48]I'm at a painful trying to go home. All of my change I spent on you. Where have the times gone, baby? It's all wrong.

[00:59:01]Where are the plans we made for two? I think I'm going to be just fine.

[00:59:10]Well, there you go. Um, very powerful.

[00:59:14]Why did I have to read that? Is it because it was um >> it just made sense to me that that's you >> right? I don't know how to take that.

[00:59:21]>> I think take it well. I think you could do the >> Did you feel I delivered it justice?

[00:59:26]>> I think you did deliver that nonsense very well and really brought life to the character of the marooned captain and the birth obviously of the band Maroon 5.

[00:59:35]>> Brilliant. How's he getting on that guy?

[00:59:37]>> Uh I think he's all right. Didn't he do something weird?

[00:59:39]>> Probably. Geese are playing [ __ ] bots apparently.

[00:59:42]>> Geese are buying streams using bots. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's sad.

[00:59:47]>> It is sad. But they didn't know. They're managing you. They've now fired him.

[00:59:51]It's not really on them, is it?

[00:59:52]>> Yeah.

[00:59:52]>> Best thing they can do is just crack on.

[00:59:54]>> I would agree with that. Here's to Geese. And I hope you get through this difficult time.

[00:59:57]>> So, I've actually written a piece as well, Andrew.

[00:59:59]>> You have?

[01:00:00]>> Yes. And it's called Pirates.

[01:00:02]Obviously, it's by me. Guys, firstly, I just need you to both know how much I love you and how grateful I am for everything.

[01:00:08]>> We love you.

[01:00:09]>> We love you, too, son.

[01:00:10]>> What's wrong?

[01:00:11]>> And that'll never change. Not ever.

[01:00:14]>> Son, what's this about?

[01:00:16]>> Look, there's no easy way to say this, but >> yes.

[01:00:20]>> Well, it's just I've always felt different.

[01:00:22]>> From the start, I knew I wasn't like the other boys.

[01:00:24]>> You're special. You've always been special.

[01:00:27]>> And recently, I' I've felt it more than ever.

[01:00:30]>> It's like I'm living a lie.

[01:00:31]>> You can tell us anything, son.

[01:00:33]>> I need to be what I really am.

[01:00:36]>> Whatever it is, we love you.

[01:00:37]>> We love you.

[01:00:38]>> Look, Mom. Dad, I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate.

[01:00:44]>> You're a what?

[01:00:46]>> I'm a [ __ ] pirate, guys. I'm a swashbuckler. A big booty plunderer.

[01:00:52]I always have been.

[01:00:57]Say something.

[01:01:03]>> Why are you smiling?

[01:01:04]>> We know, son.

[01:01:05]>> We know, son.

[01:01:06]>> We've always known.

[01:01:06]>> We've always known >> and we love you anyway.

[01:01:10]You've always known. But how?

[01:01:12]>> Derek, >> we're pirates.

[01:01:14]>> Pirates, too.

[01:01:15]>> Welcome to the crew.

[01:01:18]>> R.

[01:01:24]>> A wonderful story about becoming a pirate or actually not becoming a pirate, understanding that you are a pirate. It's about acceptance.

[01:01:31]>> Accepting you're a pirate and speaking to your your family about it and them accepting you as well. And it >> turns out both your parents are gay as well, so it's fine.

[01:01:39]They're not gay. They're pirates.

[01:01:40]>> No, but the, you know, this can be um >> it could be used. It can be transposed.

[01:01:45]Um >> coming out to your gay your parents who both are gay. That's a that's a >> Well, in that situation holiday, >> no, I don't think it is a bossman's holiday, but I I don't know. Anyway, yeah, powerful. Um, no, let's avoid stigma uh when discussing pirates.

[01:02:01]>> Come on.

[01:02:01]>> Um, it's a difficult thing to have to come out to. Um, and I think you've done that in a magical way. And I think it's a really inspiring message for a lot of the youth of this generation.

[01:02:09]>> I agree.

[01:02:10]>> In how to communicate emotionally and understand your your own identity.

[01:02:13]>> You got to talk about it. We've all got one.

[01:02:14]>> We've all got what?

[01:02:16]>> A pirate son.

[01:02:17]>> We've all got a pirate son.

[01:02:18]>> Mhm.

[01:02:19]>> Um, yes. Uh, >> have you ever had to come out to your parents about anything?

[01:02:24]>> No.

[01:02:25]>> No. Me? I think at some point I'm going to tell my dad I sucked I've sucked a guy off. I'm fascinated by what his reaction will be. I think he'll be like, "Okay."

[01:02:31]>> Do you think it's like right? He'll be like, "Right, >> I'm trying to eat my dinner."

[01:02:35]>> Yeah, I think it'll be like that. It'll be me thinking it's a big deal and he'll he'll be like, >> "Okay, >> fine."

[01:02:40]>> Yeah. Okay. Well, that's not the worst reaction, is it?

[01:02:43]>> No.

[01:02:43]>> Uh, so what have we learned this week?

[01:02:45]>> We've learned that both of our parents, our dads are not pedophiles.

[01:02:48]>> We've learned that our dads aren't pedophiles, and that's a very important place to start.

[01:02:51]>> That's a weight off my mind. What about you, Andrew?

[01:02:53]>> Uh, I've learned a lot about spleens this episode.

[01:02:56]>> Okay. Yeah.

[01:02:57]>> Um, and the ability and what they do really. It's mostly been spleen related.

[01:03:01]I think anything >> most of Yeah, that's what I've that's >> a strange takeaway.

[01:03:05]>> I've >> It would be a strange takeaway. I'll have the fried spleen, please. We don't do that on the menu, sir. Since 2006 after the EC coli outbreak. Well, I've been near for years and I want my spleen. All right, we will give it to you given that you're a loyal customer.

[01:03:20]Okay, I'll have it delivered to my house. We'll be there in 20 minutes.

[01:03:23]Thank you.

[01:03:24]>> I imagine there is a um probably is a takeaway you can eat spleen. Yeah, probably is. You know what?

[01:03:29]Surprisingly, I reckon it might be quite nice. Maybe if accompanied with the correct sauce and vegetables. Love you, Charlie.

[01:03:35]>> Love you, too.

[01:03:35]>> See you next week.

[01:03:38]>> It's Charlie investigate. They're going to find the truth and tell you straight.

[01:03:42]They're exploring the cells in the universe. Andrew's quiet. Charlie's even worse. The meaning of the lie. They're going to find out. So sit back and listen, you big trout. Ass anyway. What the bloody hell? They're investigation today.