Why You Can't Ever Really Be Happy

Added: 2026-05-06

[00:00:00]Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to my channel. My name is Tom LaHue, and I don't really have an Enneagram video for you today. I just wanted to talk to you about something that is really important to me that I've really been working through most of my life, but it's really come up, uh, you know, in the last couple of years, especially as I've learned about the Enneagram. And that is happiness, and why is happiness sometimes such a problem?

[00:00:23]Um, you could say it this way that often we make ourselves miserable trying to be happy. Trying to move toward what we think will make us happy, we, uh, sometimes can make ourselves and the people around us pretty miserable.

[00:00:40]Um, you know, I really have been journaling a lot. I just use these little pocket field notes, these little guys, and I keep it in my pocket. And originally it started because I saw a video about ADHD and how it's helpful to have something that is not always digital because you get so distracted.

[00:01:00]You know, the whole get on your phone and then an hour later, you know, after looking at TikTok and Facebook and Instagram. And this is just something that's very analog, like my watches I like, that doesn't take you away from the present moment, but actually causes you and forces you to engage with the present moment and with your feelings.

[00:01:20]And then if somebody throws an idea at you or an idea pops up or if somebody says, "Hey, don't forget about this task or this special meeting we're having." I can just flip it over and I can write it down in my to-do list to be processed later, you know, goes to calendar or tasks or whatever. And that way I don't have to try to remember everything in order, you know, cuz it gets kind of fuzzy in there sometimes. There's a lot going on in there, and I don't always have time or space for the responsible stuff. All right. So, this isn't really a video about the Enneagram, but you can see my Enneagram sevenness, I'm sure, as I talk to you about this subject. And of course, happiness is such a priority for type sevens.

[00:02:11]Um, that focus on trying to, uh, move toward what we think is the better environment or the preferred reality is sometimes keeps us from being able to truly engage with reality as it is around us. And sometimes we have that fear of missing out. And I I don't think it's just sevens. And that's why I think, you know, all of these struggles are universal struggles. We all want to and struggle with issues of authenticity and being true to ourselves like fours.

[00:02:44]We all have this desire of curiosity and understanding like fives. And so I think these struggles are universal struggles, and even if you're not a type seven, I'm sure that you'll find something that you can relate to in this video. Just realize that we as sevens, you know, happiness is our whole thing. Or you could say fulfillment.

[00:03:06]We're not as focused on achievement as threes. We're focused on life fulfillment, on living rich, full lives.

[00:03:15]Remember Dead Poets Society, seize the day, carpe diem, living lives with, you know, all of your potential.

[00:03:23]And living the best life.

[00:03:26]And what what I was journaling about today, I was reading and writing and thinking about was this, uh, this difficulty in living in the present moment. You know, my tagline for my channel is to be present to life.

[00:03:43]And I make that the tagline not because it's something I do well, but because it's something that is so difficult and so challenging. It's so simple.

[00:03:55]It's so simple that children do it all the time.

[00:03:59]But it's so difficult as we grow older and become I almost said senile, but that's not what I meant. Although maybe a little bit senile. Uh, you know, it's like we become so disillusioned and frustrated and disappointed, it's hard for us to stay in our present moment. And you know, the metaphor or the analogy that came to my mind to illustrate this, I see it all the time at Disney World, at Magic Kingdom, you know, Hollywood Studios. I have the blessing of living in a wonderful place. I live just outside of Daytona Beach, just a couple of miles from the beach. And it's beautiful and it's awesome. And one of the one of the privileges of living here is the, uh, state, um, discount we get on an annual pass at Disney World. It's still not cheap, but, you know, it's it's it's called the Florida tax. You just have to pay it because what are you going to do? You're going to spend a lot more time and money trying to figure out things to do when literally Disney is in your backyard.

[00:05:04]And you know, when you get to go to Disney often, you don't feel as rushed to get to all the rides. I know when you come down from Indiana or I've been that person, you come down from Ohio, Kentucky, you know, you have 3 days and you spend a bunch of money and you feel this intense pressure to get as much in as possible and you exhaust yourself and your kids.

[00:05:32]feel like you have to ride everything.

[00:05:34]In fact, a lot of times we'll go and not ride anything. We'll just go and, you know, see a dumb show and eat food and walk around and just just be there.

[00:05:45]And as I see these families coming down from up north, and you know, they're exhausted, they're pushing their strollers through the crowd, they're, you know, Disney warriors. One thing I've noticed is how many kids are not really happy there. You know, the happiest place on Earth, right? And, um, and and sure, you'll see a lot of that, but there is always going to be that one family that you notice where the kids are either in the stroller on their iPads, not paying attention. I mean, they're literally at Disney. They've been, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And now that they're there, they're not really there.

[00:06:26]They're on their iPads, they're asleep, or worse, they're crying.

[00:06:31]And they're crying because in my analogy, they're crying because they went on the Pirates of the Caribbean, they got off, and "Mommy, can I have a sword? I want a pirate sword.

[00:06:44]Mommy, I want a pirate sword." And mom says, "I'm sorry, honey. We're not getting the pirate sword." And then the kid goes like this.

[00:06:53]Puts the pout on, you know. "Well, I'm going to be miserable." Because it's like the only weapon they have. I mean, what does a kid have that they can use to get what they want, you know? Crying, pouting, sulking, whining, throwing a tantrum. I mean, those these are their tools, right? And so, you'll see this family trying to enjoy their day, but this kid is miserable. And he's miserable not just for a minute, but he's miserable for 30 minutes. Crying, sulking, pouting, frustrated, disappointed, disillusioned, angry at mom, angry at dad. "Why did we even come here?"

[00:07:30]You know, and I just see that as a metaphor for sometimes how I live.

[00:07:38]Like so focused on what I didn't get or focused on what I don't have, comparing my experience with others. But it's not just comparing with others, it's just disillusioned and disappointed that we can't be doing this better thing.

[00:07:57]And so it's like the surfer who can't be happy because he doesn't have a boat.

[00:08:02]And I don't know, do you guys do you guys struggle with this? Is this a problem for you?

[00:08:08]But what I what I what I find over and over again is it's it's so hard to miss Disney because you didn't get the pirate sword.

[00:08:21]fixated on the past either in a in a harmful way of nostalgia, like wasn't it so wonderful?

[00:08:29]I mean, so many things pop up on TikTok and Facebook about the '80s. I grew up in the '80s. The '80s were great, but they weren't perfect.

[00:08:36]But, you know, it's like, what if you woke up in 1985? What would be the first things you would do? It was so great.

[00:08:42]Everybody was all friendly and we all just played video games and went to the arcade in the mall.

[00:08:49]Well, the '80s weren't perfect. The past wasn't perfect.

[00:08:53]And, you know, even if it was, and you look back into the past, that nostalgia brings a certain level of sadness with it.

[00:09:02]And so it's not really happiness you're feeling. It's kind of like this bittersweet melancholy longing for something that can't be anymore, which is definitely not happiness.

[00:09:13]Or there's a lot of pain and regret in the past.

[00:09:18]And and that's just truth. That's just reality that none of us had a perfect past. None of us have a perfect past.

[00:09:26]You've done crap that you're sorry for, and people have done things to you that make you feel terrible.

[00:09:32]And you could easily look back in the past and live in regret or live in nostalgia, and neither one of those is moving you toward a sense of fulfillment or happiness in life.

[00:09:45]Or you could get so focused on the future, on what you want, and sort of a fear of missing out that you're never really able to really be in the present and happiness is always felt in the present.

[00:10:00]Joy is a decision that we make that despite our circumstances, I'm going to focus on what is available to me.

[00:10:09]And when you start to like you know, think I know it sounds cliche but gratitude. Okay, think about that kid at Disney, right?

[00:10:18]He's miserable. He's sweaty. He's He's upset. He's complaining. He's angry.

[00:10:24]He's frustrated.

[00:10:26]Because he wasn't able to acquire the pirate sword. And so what happens is now he misses out on all of the wonder that is around him.

[00:10:37]He's literally at Disney World with the people that love him the most.

[00:10:42]But he's not happy. He's not enjoying his experience.

[00:10:46]Because he is fixated on something that didn't work out the way that he wanted it to. And And you and I do the same thing.

[00:10:56]We get fixated on what didn't work out the way we want it we wanted it to.

[00:11:03]Now you could watch, you know, you could you could be scrolling Tik Tok and you could see wow, that person I wish I had a husband like that.

[00:11:11]Or I wish I had a job like that. Or I wish I had a house like that.

[00:11:17]And then you become immediately discontent with what you have.

[00:11:23]It can happen that quickly.

[00:11:26]Even in the moment as you're sitting there with with people that you love your mind jumps to a preferred reality or how this could be better.

[00:11:39]And what we ought to do in those moments is kind of laugh at ourselves. Guys, I'm telling you that so much of what I've discovered as mental health is the ability to laugh at yourself.

[00:11:50]I mean so many times the remedy is just not taking yourself so seriously. What if in that moment you could laugh at yourself and say, man, my mind, the way it works, it's crazy. It never stops.

[00:12:05]Pirate sword, pirate sword, pirate sword.

[00:12:07]There I go again.

[00:12:09]If we could just like laugh at ourselves like it's interesting the way my mind works and sort of like detached just a little bit. Recognize what's going on.

[00:12:18]I'm not saying deny reality. That's never the way to get better.

[00:12:23]But if you could catch yourself in that moment like man, it's crazy how my mind works. I'm literally right here in a restaurant surrounded with the people that I love most.

[00:12:34]Relatively healthy.

[00:12:36]Breathing through my nose. My eyes are working. My hands are working. I have an abundance of food and resources.

[00:12:44]And look at how my mind works. I wish we were in New York right now.

[00:12:50]This is cool but my friend got to go to California and I'm stuck here.

[00:12:53]You're stuck in Florida? That's a problem? Why is that a problem?

[00:12:58]So many of the things that feel like problems to us are really not problems.

[00:13:04]They're situations. They're challenges.

[00:13:06]They're obstacles. They're decisions.

[00:13:08]They're choices that we need to make.

[00:13:11]But we frame them as problems. And so what do you feel like? You feel like you're living in the constant problems.

[00:13:18]Because of what you don't have, what didn't work out for you.

[00:13:23]And in that moment, what if that little boy could look up and go, golly, I'm at Disney World.

[00:13:29]I mean everywhere I look it looks like a child's playground. Because it is.

[00:13:34]I'm surrounded by people Mom and Dad paid for this trip so I could be here.

[00:13:38]And when I don't want to walk, they'll literally push me around in a stroller.

[00:13:43]I had french fries for lunch. I've got waffles and chicken for supper.

[00:13:48]I have nothing to be upset about.

[00:13:51]And gratitude, I know it sounds cliche, but look, if you could just immediately start to like what in my life is working out.

[00:13:58]And to try to be present to your reality.

[00:14:03]And say, yeah, so I don't have everything.

[00:14:09]I'm never going to have everything in this life that I would want.

[00:14:14]But maybe I have everything I need.

[00:14:17]And I've just been focusing my attention on no wonder I feel this way.

[00:14:26]Because if you focus on what you don't have, it's pretty predictable what you're going to feel.

[00:14:31]How would you feel if you focus constantly on what others have that you don't have? Do you think you would feel happy? No, you're not going to feel happy.

[00:14:41]What if you focus on everything in your past that went wrong or was done to you?

[00:14:45]What do you think you're going to feel?

[00:14:47]You see how like your emotions follow your thinking?

[00:14:52]And you can't wonder why you feel miserable. You feel exhausted. You feel frustrated.

[00:15:01]You you you say, yeah, but but it's because of them.

[00:15:05]Well, okay, it's it it's because they created and and a a a scenario.

[00:15:13]But you're focusing your attention.

[00:15:16]You get to decide. You see, that's the key. You get to decide what you're going to focus your attention on. If you focus your attention on the pirate sword that you didn't get when you wanted it, it's predictable how you're going to feel.

[00:15:33]There's a thousand other See the the freedom? There's a thousand other things you could focus your attention on right now. All you would need to do is move your mind away.

[00:15:44]Now that takes you the awareness first of all of what's going on. But then it takes the discipline and the sense of responsibility that I am responsible for what I determine to think about. I am responsible for what I focus my attention on. But it feels like it's just happening to me. It is just happening to you. You're not in control of what your mind is doing. And that's what what that's the muscle we're trying to exercise.

[00:16:13]Is I have the responsibility to decide what I'm going to think about.

[00:16:18]I have the freedom to choose where I focus my energy and my attention.

[00:16:24]If there is a real problem, then I need to focus on that real problem. But so much of what we call real problems aren't really problems at all.

[00:16:37]And so in that moment if I could focus my attention away from the pirate sword, recognizing that that is not going to bring me happiness.

[00:16:46]It's going to bring me misery. It's going to bring me anger, frustration, disappointment, and misery.

[00:16:53]But if I can look to what is available to me and the love that's being shown to me right now and the people that are available to me and the opportunities that are in front of me. If I can come back to the moment.

[00:17:11]You see what I'm saying?

[00:17:13]All right. I don't have it all figured out.

[00:17:16]And be be a little bit leery of those that claim to have it all figured out.

[00:17:22]We're all figuring it out as we go.

[00:17:25]But like I said, one of the best um developments, one of the best changes that I've made in the last 6 months is journaling.

[00:17:34]And um I know I've seen people for like journal, journal, journal. I get it. But my journaling I keep it pretty simple. I I I read.

[00:17:43]I write down notes. I reflect. I process feelings. I process, you know, what's going on inside of me and frustrations.

[00:17:51]Um and then also I use the back of it as a to-do list. You know, when stuff pops up and I'm like, oh, you know, I don't want to forget about that. Oh, that person I need to give them a call. Uh I'm going to write that down in the back of the journal.

[00:18:03]And then transfer that over to my Google task sheet and then, you know, process it. So you got to process it. That's the problem is you could just write it down and the ADHD mind is well, I wrote it down so I kind of did something, right?

[00:18:16]You can't do that. You got to actually follow up. You got to process, you know, these things that that you write down.

[00:18:22]But I would encourage you to uh consider it. You know, getting those feelings out there and those thoughts out there um can be very therapeutic.

[00:18:32]And always I'm available to you. I mean, I don't know I don't have a lot of time because I'm working full-time again at a church that I love in the Daytona Beach area, Salty Church. Such an awesome church. But um you know, I do have some appointment times available. And uh if you want to reach out to me, I'd love to work with you, help you or your marriage, whatever I can do.

[00:18:53]I'm here for you. All right, guys. We're in this together.

[00:18:59]You may be ahead of some people. You may be behind others. But that's okay.

[00:19:04]You know, when life isn't terrible, it's really good.

[00:19:08]When it's not terrible, it can be really good.

[00:19:12]Let's decide what we're going to give our attention to. You get to decide.

[00:19:16]Have a great day. I'll see you next time. Be present to life.