“The Booze Left Me So Desperately Lonely”

[00:00:01]Hi all.

[00:00:02]Alcohol and isolation.

[00:00:06]I want to talk about when I'm drunk maybe you're the same.

[00:00:11]I tend to be quite withdrawn when I got into the addictive state of it really. I've always been quite a happy chap. Still am. I'm now when I'm sober and very sociable and so on and so forth.

[00:00:25]When I was drinking a lot I tend to be withdrawn quiet, lost my confidence, very um anxious about things and became quite a nervous soul again really. Like I was as a child.

[00:00:38]I'm talking you know 40s and 50s yeah.

[00:00:42]You know it was over but I should have been really strong. I was when I was off the drink.

[00:00:46]It's funny enough people ask me about anxiety do I still have it? No, I don't.

[00:00:50]As soon as I get sober the anxiety just diminishes to zero again. I got my confidence back.

[00:00:57]What I mean by isolation is you tend to hide away a little bit when you're drinking.

[00:01:01]The only people you associate with are other drinkers.

[00:01:04]You lose your real friends in a way and you gain these people in the pub. Now I've got a group of people I know who sit in the same place every day. Often for years apparently.

[00:01:15]And I got to know them and they're isolated in their own group because people look upon them as they're not doing anything with their lives really. Maybe it's not their fault I don't know but they've had a chance to stop or cut down but they won't. Maybe they don't want to. I don't know.

[00:01:30]But when I was drinking heavily I I was afraid of I was getting calls from my parents my daughter any relatives always checking up on me because they knew I relapsed into heavy drinking again.

[00:01:43]When I was sober I was fine.

[00:01:45]2014 I started drinking again and very soon after I started drinking again after a long long period of sobriety I was back to drinking full time.

[00:01:55]And people notice you know. Especially people live close to you.

[00:01:59]And then you start to think, well, I wouldn't answer the call. I can't go there. I can't pick anybody up. I couldn't drive. So, I just used to leave the car where it was in the driveway. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't use the train.

[00:02:11]I wasn't I couldn't do anything. I didn't fly. I didn't go anywhere.

[00:02:13]Between 2014 and 2019, when I was hospitalized, was 5 years going nowhere.

[00:02:18]Other than getting a taxi to the local high street and to get more supplies and to get dialed and drink something for my mom.

[00:02:25]I didn't actually go anywhere other than the pub and the off-license [clears throat] or or the corner shop.

[00:02:32]So, I was totally isolated, wasn't I?

[00:02:35]And when I was in the flat on my own, I used to be just so down, depressed.

[00:02:43]The feeling of guilt and why did I start drinking again? Why did I relapse? And how come my life's changed so much and it's become so bad? And you start to feel a bit self-pitying. You shouldn't really.

[00:02:53]You then you get into this cycle of can't I get out of this? And become more and more isolated. Then I had problems in the flat with heating and boiler needed fixing. And I couldn't bear anyone coming into the apartment. So, I didn't even have any contact with the outside world with the other than my little trip to the pub.

[00:03:09]And as I said, I'd see the same three or four people every day.

[00:03:13]The odd time I used to see relatives, but I was so quiet. I wasn't myself.

[00:03:19]It took my personality away, to be honest.

[00:03:21]And I just became a shell, really. An empty shell of desperation, anxiety, and paranoia.

[00:03:30]And as I said, even in the little group that you have, you're isolated from everybody else.

[00:03:35]And it's something to watch out for because when you get isolated, that's when you get depressed.

[00:03:40]Now, on a more serious subject, a lot of male suicides revolve around alcohol abuse and heavy drinking in general.

[00:03:48]You know, it's something to watch if you get these feelings. Contact somebody.

[00:03:50]Ring somebody.

[00:03:52]Because don't sit alone like I did.

[00:03:54]Because I I I'd nearly lost my life.

[00:03:56]I didn't realize how well I was. I should have got more help earlier.

[00:04:00]But being me, then maybe like a lot of people are watching this, oh I'll be fine. Uh I can't get out of it. I can't give up.

[00:04:07]All I do is just sit and drink and hope tomorrow's better, but it doesn't get any better.

[00:04:11]It gets worse and worse.

[00:04:13]So, I'm going to Manchester at the moment seeing my daughter now.

[00:04:16]I haven't I didn't move really. Didn't get on any transport from 2014 to 2021.

[00:04:23]That's 7 years going nowhere. In 2021, I was still in a wheelchair.

[00:04:29]So, during and slightly after COVID, because I was just going back and forth to hospital in patient transport ambulances to have fluid drained off, ascites fluid and all this sort of thing.

[00:04:38]So, for me it's a big turnaround 2 and 1/2 3 years. I've got myself out and about. I've been on holiday. I've flown.

[00:04:43]I walk. I run. I go to the gym. It's amazing how I've turned around. You can do the same. That's what I'm here to do.

[00:04:48]Try to inspire you to do it.

[00:04:50]Cuz there is no opening there. There is hope. But you have to be tough on yourself.

[00:04:55]And you have to have a plan of action for you. You've got to get out of this isolation mode. When you get sober, a lot of people say they get bored. This is dangerous. This I get bored. I get bored.

[00:05:06]There's nothing more boring than being in a hospital when the doctor says you might not live past next month.

[00:05:13]Okay?

[00:05:14]Don't get bored. There's lots to do. It doesn't cost you anything to go for a walk. Get yourself a second-hand pedal bike. Do something.

[00:05:20]Even if you're not feeling too fit, do something.

[00:05:23]A doctor once told me there's two things you should do when you're not well.

[00:05:25]And you won't want to do them. And that's exercise and eat.

[00:05:29]Get yourself some exercise. Join a class. I even joined a cooking class.

[00:05:33]And now I'm a bit of a chef.

[00:05:36]You know, do something with your with your time. I got my old guitar back.

[00:05:39]And it's Now I'm sober, I'm so busy. I don't know how I had time to drink.

[00:05:44]Cuz you add up all the hours that you spent going to the pub and more more and more hours in the pub in the off license being anxious trying to get supplies and then recovering.

[00:05:57]You know, some people say, "Oh, I had a good drink last night. It's going to take me 3 days to get over it."

[00:06:01]Even in the early days, it took when you was feeling young it used to still it took takes you so long to get over every session, isn't it?

[00:06:08]People plan their drinking around weekend. I've been known [snorts] to have too much on Thursday but work Friday but finish Friday Friday early and then I can have a load on Saturday and Sunday. Then on Sunday you get the fears and over the work and all that sort of thing.

[00:06:20]Why do millions of people especially in the UK plan their whole life around alcohol?

[00:06:29]It's the most dangerous drug there is.

[00:06:31]The most widely available.

[00:06:33]And the only one I'm aware of where you can die from withdrawing from it.

[00:06:40]So, there's all these factors in it.

[00:06:42]And you become so introverted and so frightened of things. You're frightened of opening letters. You're frightened of answering the door. If anybody ever knocks on the door you're frightened of every noise. You become very tense. You you know, aware of your your own being. It's a weird feeling.

[00:06:59]They say it is like an out-of-body experience. Obviously, I haven't had one of them but you become detached from reality.

[00:07:06]And then as you get further in isolation you become my herb really.

[00:07:11]And in the last few weeks before I actually got hospitalized, my rally went down and I was just getting this booze delivered.

[00:07:18]And I had so much of it in my uh cupboard. It was slabs and slabs of uh of lager. Stella Artois lager. Which never got drunk anyway. I don't know if I sold it off.

[00:07:27]Plus, he died 2 years ago. At least he saw me sober for a while which was a blessing in disguise but isolation is a terrible thing.

[00:07:35]Loneliness and it don't it doesn't need to be like that.

[00:07:38]It doesn't need to be like that cuz if you're younger than me, maybe, and know, you're older if you get yourself on the boat, get some help, do something. If you just sit there, like I did for 5 years and do nothing, I can just show you you're going to end up with a very, very short life.

[00:07:54]I'm very lucky to be here.

[00:07:56]I know, you know, I feel blessed every day I wake up. I've got a great life and I'm girlfriend now. I've got a a better car. I've got some more cash to spend on booze.

[00:08:06]I can travel. I can go to the gym. I've lost some of those fizzles over the last 20 years. Nobody is. But I've got my life back. I'm not isolated anymore.

[00:08:14]I'm happy.

[00:08:15]I'm aware of what's going around me. I'm interested in current affairs. I've got lots of holidays planned. You need to be more positive. I wasn't positive enough when I was in the the throes of it all.

[00:08:27]There is a glimmer of hope there. Never give up is what I'm trying to say.

[00:08:31]Never give up.

[00:08:32]If you benefit from the channel, please subscribe and share it.

[00:08:35]Any comments you want to make, drop me a line, of course. And have a good night. I'll speak to you soon.