America Biggest Secret Revealed | Josh Johnson May 2026

Added: 2026-05-24

[00:00:01]I get hyped for the 4th of July ahead of time. Really far out, you know?

[00:00:06]Get great barbecue, you know?

[00:00:09]It's the country's birthday and everything, you know? It's the only time as as a guy you can look up at the sky and be like, "Ooh, sparkly. Yes."

[00:00:18]>> [laughter] >> You still have to hide it behind a cheese ball like, "Yeah, it's sparkly, but it's blowing up, all right?"

[00:00:27]Anybody can get it. Shots fired, okay?

[00:00:31]You know? 4th of July is just a straight pride parade.

[00:00:42]That's all it's That's all it's ever been, you know? It's just the one time of year guys get to be like, "Yeah."

[00:00:48]>> [laughter] >> It's like it's basically Don't act like it's not drag just cuz you put on a lager beer. Like you're >> [laughter] >> You're dancing in the street, too, you know? That's why That's why I'm always blown away by people who complain about pride and they're like, "There's no straight pride parade." I'm like, Y- Your Your's is coming up in a month.

[00:01:08]Like, you can't give it 30 days?

[00:01:15]Even when you think about it, too, you think about uh the way that the country came together, too, is we think of the founding fathers as these like all these like old wise men and everything cuz that's when they got painted.

[00:01:31]>> [laughter] >> You know, they got painted late.

[00:01:35]They had already survived the war by the time we painted them. When they were in the war, they were much younger.

[00:01:41]We got We got the paints when they were like 40.

[00:01:45]But they fought in the war You think they were fighting in the war old?

[00:01:49]>> [laughter] >> You know what I mean? Like, yo, you think Washington was in the war like, "Get 'em, boys."

[00:01:57]>> [laughter] >> Mhm.

[00:02:01]>> No, y'all shoot. Oh.

[00:02:04]No, these were young men.

[00:02:06]You have young men battling to create a country, you know? And we it's mind-blowing how young they were when we won.

[00:02:16]You know, July 4th of 1776, some Alexander Hamilton was in his 20s, early 20s.

[00:02:24]So was Aaron Burr.

[00:02:26]You know, some of the oldest people I think I think even Washington was like only 40 or something.

[00:02:32]And that's just it should be a testament to the fact that sometimes, you know, as as much as young people don't always know the way, they have the energy to go the furthest, you know? So sometimes it's important to like let young people lead and old people guide, you know? I think that's how you >> [laughter] >> That's how you You know, because there's someone that has all all the passion, all the fire in their heart to do something, to like try to build a better world, and then there's someone behind them that doesn't have as much of the fire anymore, but is like, "Don't trip over that rock.

[00:03:20]>> [laughter] >> Go a little bit more left and you'll be fine. Don't do what I did.

[00:03:26]That's how I messed up my knee, though.

[00:03:28]>> [laughter] >> You know?

[00:03:33]You know?

[00:03:36]Founding Fathers are It was fascinating to me because, you know, they trying to carve out an ideal into making it, you know, making it substantial, making it real, making it into a country and everything, but there were still some pretty deep I don't know. It's It's a It's a It's a hard thing to write down, you know, all men are created equal and then look over and be like, "Yeah, except Do you know what I mean?

[00:04:11]So, it's a It's a dream that took took time, still takes time, still hasn't been fully realized in the way that it's at least on the paper.

[00:04:21]You know, like sometimes people have this revisionist history about the founding fathers like they would have wanted the best for everyone and for all of us to get along and I'm like, "No, they they said what they meant. They >> [laughter] >> Do you know what I mean? Like the founding fathers didn't have slaves but also be like, "One day someone will right this wrong."

[00:04:44]>> [laughter] >> You know?

[00:04:46]But I think about how even, you know, people know more about Alexander Hamilton now because of the musical and so, but Hamilton, you know, was staunchly against slavery and everything and he was he was young. So, I'm sure he was like this young kid that people looked at like, "Ah, this dude doesn't know what he's talking about. He just talks a lot, you know?"

[00:05:09]And it's funny how we know about Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr's feud mostly because of the musical, but we we don't know how petty it got.

[00:05:21]Alexander Hamilton built a home in New York, New York City, right?

[00:05:28]And Aaron Burr used his money to build a home down the street cuz he was jealous of where Alexander's home was so he built the house pretty close by so that I guess Hamilton could see him hating from down the street.

[00:05:45]>> [laughter] >> Alexander Hamilton at a Burr with the original Kendrick and Drake.

[00:05:58]Amazing.

[00:06:01]I also get excited for the summer. I get excited for July cuz it usually means, at least for some years, that Will Smith has a new movie out.

[00:06:10]>> [laughter] >> And it's happened. Bad Boys is out.

[00:06:15]It's crushing the box office, you know.

[00:06:22]Did Will Smith slap all the money out of Hollywood?

[00:06:26]>> [laughter] >> Man, I want them to make as many Bad Boys movies as possible. I want to see these men I want to see these men old.

[00:06:40]I want there to be so many Bad Boys movies that after a while you're like, "Boys?"

[00:06:49]I want them to make so many they got to change it to Bad Uncs, you know?

[00:06:54]>> [laughter] >> As I'm getting older, I I realized this year that all of my close friends are either in or closely approaching their 30s. And it's so funny cuz you know, everybody 30 and up, when people turn 30 now, they call themselves old, which is insane to me.

[00:07:14]That's so like, medicine is getting good enough where you can kind of expect to live to 90.

[00:07:20]But you're old at 30. Why would you be old most of the time?

[00:07:25]>> [laughter] >> That doesn't make any sense at all. You don't bring home bread in the next game go, "It's pretty old." All right.

[00:07:37]No, but I I get how people feel that way. I really do. Because what's happening is we know deep down, right? We have this obsession with youth and we you know, everyone's trying to look young, be young, stay young, feel young, all this stuff like that. And it's mainly because I've said this before, it's mainly because we know how we treat older people.

[00:08:01]So we're more scared of that than we are getting old.

[00:08:05]What's wrong with getting older? You know more stuff.

[00:08:09]Why would that be bad, you know? But I get how people feel older at certain times especially people who are in their 30s now. We're in a very specific time that hasn't happened at least the way that it's happening to us, right? Because we we were like coming of age at a time that was like a a turning point for what feels like almost everything, right?

[00:08:33]Business gets done differently now, tech is different, every aspect of life is different and we remember right before and as it turned and now.

[00:08:42]You know what I mean?

[00:08:43]Like if you're in your like 30s, you like 33 and up, you remember before Google.

[00:08:50]That sounds ancient. That's >> [laughter] >> Just to say before Google sounds like another century cuz it was.

[00:09:05]>> [laughter] >> I was I work with I work with people that are younger than me. I was explaining to some And I hate I hate when I have to explain a thing that makes me sound older than I am because they're they're a little younger. So then I'd explain before Google to them.

[00:09:25]And I sounded crazy. I sounded I sounded crazy to me but I was there.

[00:09:30]So I know I'm not wrong.

[00:09:34]I sounded insane. I was like, "No, cuz before Google, you had to just know."

[00:09:39]>> [laughter] >> And if you didn't know, you had to ask somebody who you hoped knew and was friendly.

[00:09:58]And and if they did and and if they didn't know, you had to go online. We still had online. Don't do that. We still had online. So, they you had to go online and you had to ask Jeeves. And And then they were like, "What is Ask Jeeves? Like, what is" I was like, "Ask Jeeves is it's like if Google was white. Like, it's >> [laughter] >> So, you had to ask Jeeves and if Jeeves didn't know, then you had to go you had to go to the library.

[00:10:34]And you had to ask a librarian.

[00:10:37]And if the librarian didn't know, they would give you a a number with dots.

[00:10:49]They would give you They would give you A library is like a house for books.

[00:10:55]>> [laughter] >> They would give you a number with dots and then you would go trace the dots and the number to a book and then you would read the book to see if the answer to your question was in there. And if it wasn't, you would just know a bunch of different stuff.

[00:11:15]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> You would know you would know A book is like a slow candle. It's like >> [laughter] >> Like you scroll with your finger, but it turns something like there's something to turn with your finger. It's not There's no screen.

[00:11:43]And then if you have questioned what you've been looking for 6 months, yes, it takes a long time.

[00:11:53]So maybe cut your dad some slack, all [laughter] right?

[00:11:59]It used to be harder to know.

[00:12:05]Do you know how crazy you sound saying it used to be harder to know? It's That's not how I wanted to end it.

[00:12:13]I know I'm getting older because I'm getting genuinely more and more nostalgic for small things. Like not movies, not like like really small things about life.

[00:12:26]Like I miss growing up in the '90s. I think all of our appliances in the '90s were just better.

[00:12:36]They were just like top-notch because not only did they last longer and they worked, but you could fix anything in your house by hitting it.

[00:12:48]>> [laughter] >> Violence solves so much in the home.

[00:13:00]Growing up, all you need was some fists and some belief.

[00:13:04]>> [laughter] >> And you could fix a whole house. Don't let me call a contractor or anything.

[00:13:08]Like if you had just just any appliance, you know, and it and what was special about it was that you knew how to hit it. You knew how to hit yours.

[00:13:20]That's very important. It wasn't just you could go hitting something. Well, you knew you got to know your machine and you knew how to hit it specifically to get it to work. And it wouldn't work when you went over to your friend's house. You go over your friend's house, and their thing wouldn't be working, and you'd be like, >> [laughter] >> And they'd be like, "No, you got to go And you're like, "Wow, I didn't know that. I don't have that model. That's good to know.

[00:13:52]>> [laughter] >> So, when I upgrade, it's two. Okay, that's good to know. And it's two it's two towards the front. All right, that's good to know."

[00:14:00]It was a beautiful time. Every I just felt like things really worked, you know?

[00:14:06]Like a Oh, like a '90s washing machine.

[00:14:11]A A '90s washing machine would You could hear it all through the If you were lucky enough to have a washing machine in your home, if you had a laundry room in your home, you could hear no matter where you were in the house, because the washing machine would be whooping your clothes.

[00:14:35]>> [laughter] >> The Olympic Committee has decided to lift the intimacy ban in the Olympic Village, right? Yeah.

[00:14:43]Now, in case you didn't know, whenever people go to participate in the Olympics, right? Especially for the Summer Olympics, they all stay in one big Olympic Village together, and while they're there, they smash. All right?

[00:14:56]These are the best athletes in the world in the peak of their physical prime.

[00:14:59]They're going to get it on, right?

[00:15:01]But, Olympics is every 4 years. So, 2024 Olympics means that last Olympics was that time we do not speak of, right? And in that time, they tried to have some semblance of the Olympics, and so they told the athletes, they were like, "Listen, something going around.

[00:15:17]>> [laughter] >> The last thing we need is y'all making something new."

[00:15:24]So, just come here, compete, go home.

[00:15:27]All right?

[00:15:29]But, then you fast forward to present 2024 Summer Olympics are in Paris, city of love. Not only have they lifted the intimacy ban, they've committed to having 300,000 condoms in the Olympic Village.

[00:15:42]>> [laughter] >> That's ambitious.

[00:15:48]300,000 There's only 10,000 athletes. 300,000 condoms.

[00:15:55]>> [laughter] >> Half the athletes are men. They expect 5,000 men to go through 300,000 condoms in the span of like 2 weeks.

[00:16:05]I am not an Olympic athlete.

[00:16:08]But, on the night of my life, I went through two. There is >> [applause] >> no way.

[00:16:17]That is too many condoms. That is too much pressure to put on these young men.

[00:16:20]It really is. They're already flying from around the world to win glory for their country. Now, they got to worry about putting a dent in their pile.

[00:16:27]That's not fair.

[00:16:30]It's too many condoms cuz you're acting like all the athletes are going to smash equally. They won't.

[00:16:35]Cuz you can be honest, when you think about the Summer Olympics, you think about the track stars, the swimmers, the gymnasts, the sexy athletes.

[00:16:43]>> [laughter] >> Nobody's thinking about the equestrians.

[00:16:50]No one's like, he just ride that horse so good.

[00:16:58]>> [laughter] >> I wonder what else he can No one has said that ever. In fact, when you watch the sport, you're like, it seemed like the horse doing all the work.

[00:17:09]>> [laughter] >> No.

[00:17:15]Like, it wouldn't be a problem if it like maybe the Winter Olympics.

[00:17:19]You know, Winter Olympics could get through 300,000 easy.

[00:17:24]First of all, they need to warm, right?

[00:17:26][laughter] Second, if there's any athlete from any sport that could get through 300,000 condoms in a couple weeks, it's the curlers.

[00:17:41]People love to act like the curlers don't get any. That entire sport is foreplay, top to bottom, all right?

[00:17:50]Every time they're playing, every time they send that rock down the ice, what they do every single time is oh.

[00:17:56]>> [laughter] >> Nice and gentle to get it started, you know what I mean?

[00:18:00]>> [laughter] >> And then they send it down to that other guy on the other side of the ice with the broom and he just >> [laughter] >> doing it just right so it hits a specific spot. Am I the only one watching this sport?

[00:18:16]>> [laughter] >> You know.

[00:18:23]Cuz that that's my big issue. I just feel like how do I put this? Okay. I feel like when it comes to the summer sports versus the winter sports, the winter sports look really, really cool. And all the sports are hard to do.

[00:18:36]All the people that participate are athletes, right? I'm not being disrespectful. I'm just saying that the people who aren't athletes that do those things still look cooler when it's winter. Does that make sense? Like if you if you were snowboarding and then you accidentally hit some some like slope and you do something cool in the air, people still going to want to bang you when you land.

[00:18:59]>> [laughter] >> But if you playing table tennis, there's just a lot of the summer sports that are very virgin adjacent is what I'm >> [applause] >> Do you have me? Like the winter sports are like an event. Like even even now, even in life, if you went on a trip and you're like, "I'm going skiing." It's like, "Oh, you're going skiing. This is about to be dope, right?"

[00:19:35]If you if >> [laughter] >> I'm not trying to be disrespectful. I do think that people who do like the shot put and stuff that those are very those are very impressive athletes. But if you walked up to somebody in life and said, "I throw."

[00:19:52]>> [laughter] >> It doesn't hit the same. You know what I mean? Like There's just activities that are very impressive when the athlete's doing but if you're not an athlete, it's not impressive.

[00:20:05]>> [laughter] >> Even the javelin. You look at the javelin when an when an Olympic athlete does it. When they walk up and they do the and then they like and then it just goes forever.

[00:20:15]Wow.

[00:20:18]When you see like a regular guy do it.

[00:20:21]>> [laughter] >> I was in I was in high school and I saw okay, there was a there was a kid. He was supposed to be the best one at this other school cuz I was on I went on the track team but I was like adjacent to the team. Like if somebody got hurt, they would let me run.

[00:20:39]But they knew I wouldn't win. So it was just it was just to appease me cuz I kept coming to all the meets.

[00:20:45]And I kept dressing out like I was one of them. But they were like, "You slow.

[00:20:49]You can't be with us." But I was like, "Yeah, but sometimes y'all trip and one of these days it's going to be my time to shine." And they were like, "Yeah, but the other kids will still be fast." I was like, "We'll worry about that bridge when we cross it, right?"

[00:21:05]But anyway, there was a meet where the this kid had a had a javelin and this one this is a bad track meet to begin with because they had everybody doing everything at the same time, right? And so then they had some of the kids running to qualify at the same time as kids were throwing the shot put and stuff. Now, people weren't really that strong so things weren't going that far but there was this one kid that was very good and then he he threw the javelin and then He threw the javelin and then you just heard >> [laughter] >> And there's no there's no way to catch a javelin in your body that don't make it look like you should be dead. Like >> [laughter] >> cuz it hit this kid in the leg like it hit him just in the leg, right? Which is incredibly painful but there's so much stick hanging out the leg it's like how did it not go through your leg? You don't I don't think you dying right right now.

[00:22:09]>> [laughter] >> You should have like if this was a war if this is the movie you'd be you have any way you just you just over here all all all you know what I mean?

[00:22:17]>> [laughter] >> I feel like what I'm saying is starting to make sense. I feel like you're getting it. It's a it's it's it's that it's that the summer sports just have so much range, you know what I mean? Like in when in winter sports there's like bobsled or something. Bobsled's still very cool. Going super fast and then you get to the end even if you last place you went so fast there's somebody at the finish line that's like what are you doing later? Like >> [laughter] >> you know?

[00:22:52]But if you're the discus >> [laughter] >> at the summer olympic and it just you you throw your hardest, right? You throw it as far as you can and then it just go, and then it doesn't >> [laughter] >> it doesn't hit that line, right? Cuz they already have the line of what would be impressive.

[00:23:10]>> [laughter] >> This impressive line right here, if you get it past that, people go, "Ooh."

[00:23:17]>> [laughter] >> If you get low, people are like, "Ah."

[00:23:21]And then you threw it as hard as you could, and then it ah.

[00:23:24]>> [laughter] >> You're going home alone. That's just >> [laughter] >> That's just the way it's going to work.

[00:23:34]But I hope it works out for the summer athletes. I really do. I hope they, you know, they get it on.

[00:23:40]>> [laughter] >> Cuz selfishly, I want to see what some Olympic-made babies look like. You know what I mean? Like Like a medalist in judo and a medalist in the high jump.

[00:23:50]That sound like how you make a superhero. You know what I mean?

[00:23:53]>> [laughter] >> No, I hope they smash to their hearts' delight. I really do. I just I want to see any like mixing. Like gold can't get with bronze, all right? Like we might not be making a winner, all right?

[00:24:08]>> [laughter] >> I think family is incredibly important, right? Um but it does suck like Here's the thing. I don't know how to describe this. And this is not a perfect I haven't thought it all the way through. So, I haven't actually thought of a solution. I really am just up here complaining, okay?

[00:24:28]>> [laughter] >> But it does feel upsetting sometimes that when you when you marry, like I've watched a lot of my friends get married, right? And when you marry, you're in the family, but you just wanted them.

[00:24:44]>> [laughter] >> Do you have me? Like you you love them, and then a bunch of people you don't know >> [laughter] >> are like, "No, us too. We We all go together now.

[00:25:04]>> [laughter] >> Inseparable. We're family.

[00:25:09]You know?

[00:25:11]And you And sometimes it works out beautifully. Like like sometimes you meet someone, you fall in love, and then their family's also delightful. And that's very sweet. I love that. I love that for my friends. I love that for my family members as that's happened to.

[00:25:23]But then sometimes you meet someone and y'all fall in love, and then you get introduced to people that you're like, "Ooh, I don't want to have anything to do with >> [laughter] >> I don't want anything to do with what you got going on. Like that's that's not why I came. You know what I mean?"

[00:25:47]It feels like going to a restaurant, right?

[00:25:49]>> [laughter] >> And being like, "Oh, I'll get the wings." And they're like, "And you'll have the burger."

[00:25:56]>> [laughter] >> And you're like, "Mm, I can really only fit wings, right? And that's why I only ordered the wing." "No, trust me. The burger comes with the wings."

[00:26:04]>> [laughter] >> "And if you don't have a sufficient amount of burger, the wings will get mad, all right?"

[00:26:12]"The wings will be like, why don't you care about my burger, right?" And and you'll be like, "I just wanted you.

[00:26:19]I didn't sign up for burg- I just wanted I don't even like beef like that. Like I just wanted some chicken wings.

[00:26:28]And you're great." It's like, "Yeah, but the the beef and we were raised together. Like we should >> [laughter] >> all find a way to get along."

[00:26:38]And you're like, "Mm, this metaphor has run out." [laughter] Um No, I just look I I've I've watched it happen and seems like a real bummer.

[00:26:53]>> [laughter] >> It seems like cuz you know that your friends will tell you about it. They'll tell you about what's going on and it'll be some in-law and something and they're not getting along and I'm like, "Man, that's cuz you can't even really yell at them good cuz they're not actually your family."

[00:27:10]>> [laughter] >> Do you know what I mean? Like a certain amount of yell like if it if it's your brother, your sister, you can you can let somebody have it. Y'all grew up together and even if you even if you were in separate households or whatever, you can still that that's your bloodline. You can be like, "You're an idiot." Right?

[00:27:28]When you put in-law >> [laughter] >> on the back end, it just takes all the juice out of Like some people still have a very good relationship and I I love that for them, but some people are like, "Mhm, my brother-in-law is an is a real he's he's You just want to choke. He's >> [laughter] >> It's not even just it's Sometimes I dream about punch >> [laughter] >> just punch the the back of his head >> [laughter] >> until I just pull back of the of the knuckles are just mush.

[00:28:13]>> [laughter] >> I hate him so much I don't even have words.

[00:28:20]>> [laughter] >> And then you have to be like, "But that's your brother." But not, right?

[00:28:26]Um one of the most interesting cases I've ever seen was okay, so This this kid from my hometown got married young, right? So they they got married like almost right out high school. So they're like 19 and stuff and they want to be married to each other, but they they're weirdly self-aware that they don't really have the resources to start a life, right? So, they just married at home. Like, they didn't have to do this at all, right?

[00:28:56]But, they spend a lot of time at her at her gram grandma's house. Now, they're married, right? But then, the grandma got remarried cuz the granddaddy been gone for a while, and the grandma could still get it, right? So, she >> [laughter] >> So, she was out getting it, right? And so, you know, she was out playing the field and everything, and then she found somebody to settle down settle settle down with. You know, like settle concrete with, right?

[00:29:29]Cuz this is the last one, right? And it's like >> [laughter] >> And so, she found somebody, and then, you know, that [clears throat] guy is now hanging out around the grandma. Now, his wife loves her grandma, loves hanging out with her and everything. So, they're over at the house a lot. But, he has a very weird situation because he has an in-law now, right? The grandma is his in-law.

[00:29:53]But, she just got married again. So, now this guy is like a step granddaddy.

[00:30:02]>> [laughter] [clears throat] >> And if you think things can be fraught with a stepfather, a [clears throat] step granddaddy cares so little about you.

[00:30:15]>> [laughter] >> Cuz he's like, I almost didn't meet you.

[00:30:18]Like, I don't like Everybody grown. Like, we don't have to be talking right now.

[00:30:24]>> [laughter] >> And so, he had a step granddaddy kind of in-law, right? I've lost how this works. But, all I know is he didn't have a in-law granddaddy, but then that stepped in. So, now he's the step granddaddy, and that guy's name is Earl. And Earl is a dick, right? [laughter] Earl using all the time he have left to just be a [ __ ] Did y'all uh Did y'all see that Alabama brawl?

[00:30:58]Yo.

[00:30:59]Yo.

[00:31:01]Who knew Wakanda was in Alabama?

[00:31:06]Yo, that was wild. So many people came out of nowhere. That That [ __ ] was like black January 6th. That was like >> [laughter] >> That was crazy.

[00:31:20]If you didn't see the video, if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll explain it really quick. Basically, there was this one guy, he was an employee of the place, right? And he was like asking these people to move their boat, you know? So it was a black employee, but he was asking these people who happened to be white that had the boat to move their boat, and they wouldn't move the boat. I don't I don't even know if this part is true, but I heard that they had been the riverfront boat that was waiting to dock had been waiting for like 40 minutes cuz these people refused to move, right? So finally, he just keeps going like, "You got to move the boat. You got to move the boat." They get out of their boat.

[00:31:51]They're cursing at him, and he's not backing down. He's like, "You have to move the boat. I work here. You have to move the boat." And then they just keep cursing at him. Finally, they put hands on him. And then they they start fighting him. And they He did his best. He held his own for quite a while. So it's not like they beat his ass, but they were clearly ganging up on this dude, right? And you know, a lot of people as soon as they saw the video, they got upset. I got upset once I thought it was going to bum me out just seeing like five white dudes ganging up on this like middle-aged black dude and everything.

[00:32:21]And some people were upset about the racial part immediately. But I'm not going to lie, I I was distracted. I I wasn't I didn't hate these people cuz they were ganging up on them and they were white.

[00:32:34]I hated them cuz they had a boat.

[00:32:39]>> [laughter] >> You know what I mean?

[00:32:43]This isn't just a race thing. These rich [ __ ] with a boat are trying to beat up a working-class person is insane.

[00:32:50]And made me furious.

[00:32:53]And then they they started they started fighting them and then like other people came and you know, a lot of black people already saw what was happening. So then when the riverfront boat docked and other black people who saw what was happening, they all just swarmed. It looked like you know like you know like that one episode in Game of Thrones where you know, they were losing but then just more just came down the mountain. It was like I was like, goddamn. Okay. Wow.

[00:33:19]Send in the troops apparently.

[00:33:23]I should I should back up with the fight started the initial fight where the dude was getting ganged up on, he just threw his hat.

[00:33:29]Just threw it and that almost felt like a signal. That was I didn't I as a black person I didn't know that that was our call to arms. I didn't know this was like, oh okay. All right, we go now.

[00:33:40]Yeah.

[00:33:41]That was wild to begin with. Then it just it it was crazy cuz then so many people swarmed in it turned into a huge brawl and I don't know if you saw a video, but there was one person that wanted to help when they saw him getting jumped so badly that this [ __ ] swam.

[00:34:06]Jumped in the water from the camera angle, we don't know where he came from.

[00:34:10]>> [laughter] >> I'd like to think he came from Africa.

[00:34:13]I'd like to think he started swimming 6 weeks ago >> [laughter] >> in preparation.

[00:34:21]Cuz look, if you know if you know, you know, the the history of of black people swimming especially in the south, you know that we're not known for it.

[00:34:31]You know what I And so I'm not going to critique his swimming because I was just happy to see another black dude swim. That's just Every one of us swimming is a W, okay?

[00:34:41]But I do have to comment cuz it what he wasn't swimming normal.

[00:34:47]>> [laughter] >> Did you see HIM SWIM? HE WASN'T SWIMMING REGULAR. This was not regular swimming, right? This man wasn't swimming to the fight. This man was punching the water till he got there. I knew he was going to whoop ass when he got out of the water CUZ HE WAS >> [laughter] >> I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE PUNCH water till they got to their location.

[00:35:09]>> [laughter] >> That was SO CRAZY. GO BACK AND WATCH THIS MAN >> [laughter] >> PUNCHING WITH HORSEPOWER. Like I've never seen anything like it. Then he gets out of the water, starts whooping ass, everybody whooping ass and everything.

[00:35:26]So you know that those white people when they started fighting then started more fighting, you know they were relieved when the cops got there, but they >> [laughter] >> they must have been conflicted cuz half the cops were black. Like that's That's a situation where even when the cops arrive, you're like, "Ooh, whose side are you on? Cuz I was kind of doing a thing before you got here."

[00:35:51]You know what I mean?

[00:35:52]>> [laughter] >> Honestly, that's what that's what so wild cuz it I think also I've tried to put my mind in I've tried to put myself in the mind of each person that was in the video in a way. Do you know what I mean?

[00:36:07]Cuz that's a terrifying thing. To get jumped is a terrifying thing. Then the person swimming Then I'm just trying to think about every every angle that I could think about it from.

[00:36:18]But I'm I'm not going to lie. That That must have been a huge surprise cuz you out here ganging up on this this one dude with your buddies. and then before you know it there's just like 50 black people. That's >> [laughter] >> Listen, listen. I'm telling you right now. Let's say y'all right now, y'all just blinked and when you opened your eyes there were 50 black people behind me.

[00:36:41]You I'm not even saying you'd be scared but you'd be surprised.

[00:36:44]>> [laughter] >> You'd be like, "Wow, THAT WAS FAST."

[00:36:53]>> [laughter] >> THAT'S ALL YOU'D SAY.

[00:36:58]You know?

[00:37:00]Cuz that's that's the thing. That's I think the the strangest part, one of the one of the one of the weirdest parts like when you start watching the video. Let's say you start watching the video. You had no context. Nobody told you what was going to happen. You hadn't seen any of the memes yet. The craziest thing about what happens is that especially as a black person, I think some people are are curious why black people been meming the [ __ ] out of it and everything. It's because if you know the South and you know the history of five white guys ganging up on a black guy and how that usually goes, you know?

[00:37:31]Especially when they have enough money for a boat.

[00:37:36]>> [laughter] >> Usually doesn't turn out well, you know what I mean? And so this was a different thing. This is a different outcome than than we've ever really seen before.

[00:37:45]You know?

[00:37:48]Cuz I'll be honest with you. Let's say let's say we're in a different time and there's no camera phones and they were able to leave before the cops got there.

[00:37:55]They would have just beat up that dude and left.

[00:37:58]You know?

[00:37:59]And that and that's my thing where it's like, "Okay, yeah. Whoop their ass. We all laugh. We all celebrate. Whatever."

[00:38:05]But like [ __ ] up that boat. Like [ __ ] up the >> [laughter] >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[00:38:18]>> [laughter] >> LIKE BUST UP THE BOW OR SOMETHING. like rip a rudder out, please.

[00:38:27]I do think that would hurt them more than the ass whooping. They just be >> [laughter] >> standing there and they looking like Skippers, "NOT THE BOW!"

[00:38:36]>> [laughter] >> YOU KNOW?

[00:38:41]I USED TO I USED TO work at a a grocery store uh in a bad neighborhood. This is a This is a terrible job. I uh I lived in Chicago and I worked at this grocery store. It was a It was horrible, right?

[00:38:57]And the thing I hate most about working at a grocery store that's not good is the security not good.

[00:39:06]Cuz then security, anytime something would happen, the security would walk up to me and talk about what we're going to do about it.

[00:39:14]>> [laughter] >> Bro, I do this.

[00:39:23]>> [laughter] >> You do this.

[00:39:31]>> [laughter] >> And I Look, just hear me out.

[00:39:40]There was a guy who would come into our store and he didn't He didn't come in often.

[00:39:46]Be like once every 2 months.

[00:39:48]Maybe even once every 4 months if you were lucky.

[00:39:51]But this guy was crazy.

[00:39:54]>> [laughter] >> And when he came in, he'd come in and he would [ __ ] the lettuce.

[00:40:01]>> [laughter] >> I know you're wondering how. Let me explain. [laughter] It didn't have to just be lettuce, but it was any anything he could cut a hole in, he go to town, right?

[00:40:23]I worked there. What are y'all groaning about? I had to I had to see this.

[00:40:30]And so, this dude, man, he would come in, cut a hole, >> [laughter] >> go to town.

[00:40:38]Security guard come up to me.

[00:40:41]>> [laughter] >> Security guard came up to me one time and was like, "He's back."

[00:40:51]>> [laughter] >> I was like, "That's a you problem."

[00:41:02]>> [laughter] >> And I don't know I don't know this I like dude was clearly not all there in the head and everything, but yeah, he would just come in, he catch a melon or something like that and just make juice.

[00:41:16]Like this dude was >> [laughter] >> I know. I know.

[00:41:22]I know.

[00:41:23]>> [laughter] >> But security guard came up to me and was like, "He's back, so I'm going to need your help."

[00:41:32]I was like, "All right. What what do you need me to do?" And he was like, "So, we're going to walk on either side."

[00:41:38]>> [laughter] >> I'm right, we're going to walk. So, he's here, we're going to walk either side, so we're sort of like, you know, and he was like, "I'm going to need you to run interference." And he said it like it was a real thing I should know what that means or whatever. Like And so, we get to the point where we're both walking either side of him.

[00:41:57]And uh he looks over at me. This dude is distracted. This dude is >> [laughter] >> This dude doesn't know what's going on in the world. This dude is fully with the lettuce, right? And he's >> [laughter] >> locked in.

[00:42:11]And then the security guard go >> [laughter] >> And I'm like, what does that mean? Like he's acting like he gave me a plan.

[00:42:21]There's no plan. I don't know what this means.

[00:42:25]And so he's like, um I'm like, >> [laughter] >> what do you do?

[00:42:33]So [clears throat] finally I just yell out. I'm like, Hey dude, [ __ ] the lettuce.

[00:42:39]And that dude turned around and faced the beer. When he faced me I was like, tackle him.

[00:42:43]>> [laughter] >> And then he did. He tackled him.

[00:42:47]Got that dude to the ground.

[00:42:48]>> [laughter] >> And you got to give credit where credit is due, okay? You do.

[00:42:58]To the security guard and to this dude because this dude was so hard when he got up the lettuce was still on him. That is crazy.

[00:43:08]I don't know if I've ever been that hard in my life.

[00:43:12]This dude got up.

[00:43:16]Hands being held. Like it's not like he can help out for a quick second.

[00:43:21]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> Terrifying.

[00:43:34]>> [laughter] >> I've been thinking a lot about the way that uh that couples fight.

[00:43:43]>> [laughter] >> Dreaming.

[00:43:51]Like the way just the like the tactics we use and like look, I want to be clear. I truly believe this. I've even said on stage before. Everybody is doing everything. Don't don't like listen to people getting your ear. Everybody's doing everything.

[00:44:05]Everybody gaslights. Everybody you know all this all this stuff like that. So, I'm not saying that one thing can only be to one person with one identity. I'm just saying like I've I've just watched and I feel like I just don't like fighting in a relationship cuz I you know I I I date women and women wait.

[00:44:28]>> [laughter] >> It's terrifying. Women like Women will let you think you won a whole fight and then it's coming soon.

[00:44:37]You don't even know what it is. It's not been planned yet, but it's going to happen.

[00:44:42]My uncle got in a argument with his wife and you know, I don't I don't even know what it was about, but must have been feeling himself cuz when the argument was done, you know, walk around man of the house, you know.

[00:44:56]>> [laughter] >> And he middle age, so you know he pulling that belt up a little higher.

[00:45:06]And sure enough he called me one day.

[00:45:10]This is apparently weeks after the fight. My man calls me.

[00:45:14]And he's like uh I'm going to need you to pick me up.

[00:45:19]>> [laughter] >> I need you to pick me up. Come get me, you know, I mean I need some some help, young blood. Like I just And I was like, "What's wrong?" And he's like, "Okay, so we had a little argument, all right? So, we had a we had a quick little argument and I thought everything was fine, but it's the day to take me to optometrist cuz I broke my glasses and she talking about she not going to take me."

[00:45:41]>> [laughter] >> And I told I told her I was like, "Baby, I'm blind. Come on now."

[00:45:51]>> [laughter] >> Did everybody have a good 4th of July?

[00:45:58]Yeah?

[00:45:59]I I did I did decent. It was it was a fine time, you know, but like 4th of July There's two groups in America that are very conflicted with 4th of July and it's uh black people and dogs. Like both of us just the whole day we don't know how to feel. The whole day is [ __ ] up. If you and I'm a black dude with a dog, so I was looking at my dog all day like I know. Like it's Both of us just got to watch white people have the best day of their lives and it's like, oh god, okay.

[00:46:36]>> [laughter] >> And the dogs don't know how I feel about 4th of July cuz there's a barbecue, but also there's fireworks.

[00:46:45]So you might get some good scraps, but what is going on up there? Like Every dog is British on 4th of July.

[00:46:53]Every dog is like, WHAT THE [ __ ] are they doing?

[00:46:57]>> [laughter] >> You know? And it's it's tough for me cuz it's like when you when you know, I don't know.

[00:47:04]It's like the day of my country's independence, but not mine.

[00:47:09]Isn't that weird? It's like you can't even really cuz what they don't really teach about it, but like black people fought in the American Revolution. Like black people fought for the country to be free and then we're like, yeah, we're free. And then somebody was like, what do you mean we?

[00:47:27]You know?

[00:47:29]I know. I know.

[00:47:31]It must be hard to hear.

[00:47:37]>> [laughter] >> Keep telling them.

[00:47:39]Keep telling them. Appreciate you.

[00:47:42]Keep telling them like you're black, too. That's the funny You're my favorite. I love you so much.

[00:47:50]Thank you for that. That's Keep [ __ ] get they ass.

[00:47:54]>> [laughter and cheering] >> I I only know what it's like to be me.

[00:47:57]The hardest life you're ever going to have to live is your own. So, I don't know what it's like to date as anybody else, and I can't judge. I'm not even going to try to project. I will say just being me it's been hard enough. So, I a woman dating men is an unenviable position. I can't even imagine what that's like, you know, cuz men be out here killing.

[00:48:20]>> [laughter] >> That's That's look When it When it comes to dating, everyone Don't let the podcast fool you.

[00:48:28]Don't let your friends get in your ear.

[00:48:30]Everyone is doing everything. Men and women both cheat. Men and women both manipulate. It's all There's no like one-sided thing except the killing is us. That is >> [laughter] >> That we be doing that [ __ ] for real.

[00:48:41]That is like It's Even if women wanted to catch up, it would take till 2222 to >> [laughter] >> really match our numbers. We out here crazy as [ __ ] killing. This wild.

[00:48:54]>> [laughter] >> And so, I I can't imagine what it's like to then be a woman trying to date men and find somebody that you vibe with that also doesn't kill.

[00:49:06]>> [laughter] >> Cuz you Cuz remember when they catch these killers, everybody talking about how nice and polite they were. They were >> [laughter] >> Outside the killing, they were some good men. Do you know what I mean?

[00:49:16]So, now you're a woman out here trying to find a man that's like, you know, nice, treats you well.

[00:49:23]Not Not dangerous, but a little dangerous. You know what I mean? Like You know You know you little bit of that, like >> [laughter] [laughter] >> That's That's my favorite. That's I don't I don't know why, but anytime I've been like about to hook up with somebody and they put my hand on their throat for me. I'm like, "Oh, you think I'm a [ __ ] out there? That's crazy."

[00:49:48]>> [laughter] >> That's wild. You feel so safe with me, you putting my hand on your throat.

[00:49:53]That's That's almost insulting. That's a little like >> [laughter] >> Let me do what I was going to do and then we figure out if, you know, like Don't just be like, let me help. Like it's >> [laughter] >> So insulting.

[00:50:07]It's crazy.

[00:50:09]And then another part of me very much likes it cuz you're helping me help you.

[00:50:12]Like it's like that is that does low-key it I'm insulted but it does feel like a cheat code where I'm like, oh, and then this.

[00:50:20]>> [laughter] >> You know?

[00:50:24]But it is is is I cannot imagine. It really is tough cuz then you You know, how do I put it? I'm not trying to be like, oh, poor, you know, poor men or whatever, but then you got to be that person. You have to be someone who's interesting, nice, engaging, charismatic, and prove you don't kill.

[00:50:46]>> [laughter] >> And trying to prove you don't kill make you look like a killer every time, all right?

[00:50:51]>> [laughter] >> Please believe me, the most the most murdery-looking people are the people who are trying to convince you they don't kill.

[00:50:58]Imagine somebody ask you, hey, you want Do you want to do something later and it's safe? THAT'S >> [laughter] >> WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

[00:51:09]WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING IT UP? THAT'S CRAZY. But it's also kind of crazy not to bring it up. It's like a real tightrope to walk.

[00:51:18]I thought I was doing well. I thought I was doing so good because I would I would hear I've so many different, you know, friends out here dating, men and women. I hear all the stories and so I I was aware. I was like, sometimes when women go out with a guy for the first time they don't really know him, they met him on an app or something, they end up like sharing their location with their friends, you know? Or they end up texting like, hey, this is where I'm So I was on the date. Date was just starting. I was like, hey, do you want to text your friends where we're going?"

[00:51:49]Like I >> [laughter] >> Just to let her know I wouldn't be offended. But then as soon as I said it, I was like, "Ah, >> [laughter] >> that sound like we going to the woods.

[00:52:01]That's >> [laughter] >> Goddamn. And then then I'm like, "You know I'm not crazy or anything." Which why would you say that? THAT'S IT'S STILL BAD.

[00:52:14]Did y'all, by the way, have y'all been in this whole Jonah Hill thing that's been trending?

[00:52:21]Yeah, a little bit. Some shaking heads.

[00:52:22]All right. So, if if you don't know about it, I'm going to try to sum it up in two sentences. Basically, Jonah Hill's ex-girlfriend has put out in in her story their old text to each other, and it's it it's a lot of him being like, "Why you got to be around men?" As like it's it's a lot of just like why you She's a surfer. He's like, "Why you got surf with men?" And it's like nonstop. And then he's clearly in lots of the text having like some sort of moment where he's like very scared she going to cheat or something.

[00:52:53]But it's like the text don't make sense Like she may have cherry-picked some text to make him look extra bad, but he still text what he text. So, then it's just him texting like, "Why you got to surf? And he's And he surfing. And y'all might surf on each other. All right? And then if y'all surfing on each other, you might get surf in your mouth. And then you come home and you cuz covered in surf." And it's like, "Can't be surfing without me, bitch." Like it was just >> [laughter] >> When you read them, you're like, "Oh, no.

[00:53:23]This is not good, you know?"

[00:53:24]>> [laughter] >> And there's been a lot of backlash and everything. I just think that Jonah Hill committed the cardinal sin of telling a woman what to do when he's not that good-looking. Like >> [laughter] >> That's That's kind of all he did, really. When you think about When you read all the text, if that had been Jon Hamm and he was like, "I don't really want you around other dudes." You'd be like, "Okay, daddy. All right."

[00:53:53]>> [laughter] >> Just throwing it out there.

[00:53:57]Maybe.

[00:53:59]You know?

[00:54:00]>> [laughter] >> Cuz it's hard It's so It's so difficult.

[00:54:04]Building a relationship now is still one of It's always been difficult.

[00:54:10]But now we live in a more convenient [clears throat] era of civilization. It used to be maintaining some sort of relationship and just surviving were like the two hardest things to do. It was like, "Keep you know, keep your spouse happy and don't get malaria." Was like >> [laughter] >> Was like the two hardest things to do.

[00:54:30]And then we evolved and we evolved and we evolved. But now it Interpersonal relationships are as difficult as they've ever been, but everything else is easier, which actually makes them more difficult. Cuz our life is so convenient now that as soon as someone is an inconvenience, you're like, "Well, why would I even deal with you?" Then you're done.

[00:54:48]And nobody's happy. It's hard. I think the thing that makes being with someone harder [snorts] than it's ever been is definitely podcasts.

[00:54:57]>> [laughter] >> It is It is and it It It goes both ways.

[00:55:02]It truly does. All these podcasts where it's like, "Don't listen to anybody [ __ ] You're a [ __ ] queen, okay? And if he tells you that you drink too much, he doesn't [ __ ] party enough, all right? Don't let him [ __ ] stop you from living your life and being the boss babe that you were born to be and you're so You are a [ __ ] Sagittarius, [ __ ] You cannot be stopped, all right? Live your [ __ ] life. You walk on air and angel dust, okay?"

[00:55:26]>> [laughter] >> And then on the other side, you have dude, bro.

[00:55:31]Bro.

[00:55:33]Bro, a girlfriend?

[00:55:35]>> [laughter] >> You going to get a girlfriend?

[00:55:37]You going to get a girlfriend and talk about she trying to prove your life.

[00:55:40]She's trying to change you, dog.

[00:55:42]She tried She tried to get you to eat vegetables.

[00:55:45]>> [laughter] >> Bro, she get you eating vegetables? Are you serious? She get you eating vegetables out here?

[00:55:54]Pause, dog. All right? Trying to get you eat vegetables. Everybody know vegetables gay.

[00:56:00]>> [laughter] >> If vegetables ain't gay, why they all shaped like dick? All right?

[00:56:05]Think about that. Zucchini, all right?

[00:56:07]Cucumber? That's a hard one. All right?

[00:56:10]>> [laughter] >> But that's what it is. It's just people huge influencers, people with huge followings telling people don't communicate with anyone, don't settle with anyone, everyone is against you, they're all trying to get one over on you, and it's coming from everywhere. So then, yeah.

[00:56:30]You listen to that [ __ ] going to work every day, going to be pretty hard on the first date.

[00:56:34]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, makes it tough.

[00:56:38]That's a shame. I don't I don't know what I don't know what to do with that information.

[00:56:43]Just ain't times where I start telling me about a podcast, I just I just start screaming.

[00:56:49]>> [laughter] >> You know?

[00:56:52]It will break my heart, too. It will be the smartest person you know will be like, "You You know, he had some good points." It's like, "Ah!"

[00:56:59]>> [laughter] >> I lost my friend. God damn.

[00:57:02]What a [ __ ] shame.

[00:57:05]No matter where you were in the house, as soon as you start the wash, you would hold off watching a movie >> [laughter] >> cuz you're like, "We can't watch a movie and do the laundry. That's not It's going to mess up the experience.

[00:57:16]Sorry."

[00:57:18]It would be whooping this thing. You could hear your clothes getting beat.

[00:57:25]And they were all loud, and they all just like the washing machine moved like it had legs.

[00:57:31]No matter where you were in the house, you could hear your clothes screaming IN THE MACHINE.

[00:57:37]>> [screaming] [laughter] >> AND YOU WOULD GO WHETHER IT WAS YOUR HOUSE OR SOMEBODY else's house, you could go to somebody's house, you could tell how strong their wash machine was by how messed up the paint was on the wall on that edge that was next to the machine.

[00:57:58]It would be beating your clothes, beating the stains out. Horrific stuff, right? To the point where you could even when you stained the shirt, you could tell even back in the '90s your shirts would be like, "Don't do that to me, bro. I'll >> [laughter] >> No, come on. Come on. Hey, hey, no, we good. I'll push it. I'll push it out.

[00:58:16]I'll push the stain out. Don't Don't send me in there with them. That's >> [laughter] >> No. Be amazing. And then if there was a little malfunction, the door would lock and start like lip start coming up and everything, you know?

[00:58:29]Suds started spitting out everything.

[00:58:31]Just took a little like bam. And then all of a sudden it was like >> [laughter] >> It was beautiful, you know?

[00:58:40]These new washing machines, I know I already sound like an old man, but like this is this I was in an Airbnb. They had a a wash machine in the Airbnb, which at first I was very excited about. I was like, "Oh, it's amazing. You you never get this, right?"

[00:58:53]And the wash machine was state-of-the-art. And it looked it it was like a Tesla wash machine. It was It had so many buttons. It had a keyboards worth of but It had more buttons than I cared to read. Like it was It was I just wanted to hit clean. Like it's It had a handkerchief setting. It was It said it. And then you put the cloth got stain on the shirt, put the clothes in. And then, you know, you hit whatever, turn. [clears throat] It was a lot to do.

[00:59:23]And then you hit and it starts and you can tell something is happening because it's spinning and you can see through it now. You know, it has a little door where you can look in and it's spinning so fast that the clothes are gone. Like it's >> [laughter] >> And I was looking at it I was like I can't tell if it's spinning or if it left. This is crazy but it was silent and I didn't like that. I didn't like that it was quiet the entire time, right? Just just but nothing. You couldn't hear anything, right? I didn't even know when the clothes were done. That would have never happened in the '90s. You always knew when your clothes were done because your washing machine would finish beating your clothes.

[01:00:04]AND YOU WOULD HEAR >> [screaming] >> CUZ THEY USED TO PUT ALARM CLOCK stuff in the washing machine to make sure they made the same noise.

[01:00:22]This thing finished, I had no idea. It finished and it was like >> [laughter] >> I don't I don't want to disturb you but >> [laughter] >> I think I did it.

[01:00:43]And then I pulled pulled the shirt out of the washing machine the stain was so intact. The stain The stain was sitting there comfortably.

[01:00:53]The stain was looking looking at it >> [laughter] >> looking at me like it has legs crossed.

[01:00:59]Like looking at me like your move.

[01:01:04]>> [laughter] >> Even TVs, I remember we we we got like a big screen TV and it was a huge deal but the TV was like if I remember correctly it was kind of like a hand-me-down cuz we got the TV cuz it wasn't really working as much anymore.

[01:01:19]So the people that were throwing out TV were like we're going to get a new TV.

[01:01:22]And we were like, we don't have a TV.

[01:01:24]So, let's take yours, right? And it was it was huge. It took up like most of the Remember big 90s tall wide Remember when TVs had ass?

[01:01:47]Do you ever be like like real like really had it like some true thickems?

[01:01:51]You know what I mean? Like You would go over to your friend's house. They'd be like, I got a new TV.

[01:01:56]You'd be like, "Ooh.

[01:01:59]Ooh, she packing. Oh, wow."

[01:02:04]I don't even understand. I don't even know why they made them like that. But it had like it would be the screen here, but then just boom.

[01:02:10]Boom.

[01:02:13]>> [laughter] >> All right.

[01:02:19]And that was great because even though the TV didn't always work, you know, you knew how to work it, right? Cuz it would do that thing where all those TVs back there when they didn't work, they would just get wavy. You know what I mean?

[01:02:29]Remember that? It would be like I I'd put on the news and it would just be like red, blue, green, red, magenta, yellow.

[01:02:39]And it would And you turn on the news and it'd be like, "Uh the 8:00 >> [laughter] >> Cuz I was little when we got this TV.

[01:02:52]And I remember turning it on and it wouldn't work. I was like, "Mama, uh Mama, the TV ate a popsicle."

[01:03:00]>> [laughter] >> And my dad would usually be the one to hit the TV cuz he knew how to do it, right? But my dad hit the TV He hit the TV a lot.

[01:03:14]My dad hit the TV so much sometimes I was wondering if it was really about the TV. You know what I mean?

[01:03:19]Sometimes my dad would hit TV. I'm like, "No, it was working. That's how it is."

[01:03:24]But my dad hit the TV so much that I think the TV genuinely learned to recognize Hey.

[01:03:35]>> [laughter] >> One time I was trying to watch the news and my dad came home. That's all he did.

[01:03:44]He just came into the house and the TV was like, "Rude awakening."

[01:03:49]As soon as he closed the door it was like two people were murdered.

[01:03:51]Something.

[01:04:01]And then I I got a TV. I bought a TV for myself as an adult cuz I wanted to have my own big screen TV. I wanted to have my own like, "Oh, I'm sitting at home chilling for the weekend watching a movie. Have a real experience for myself." Right? And I I bought it. It was very It was It was too expensive.

[01:04:20]I took out a car note on this TV. This This several payment TV. And you know, we bring it home. This is I'm excited initially.

[01:04:33]I'm super excited cuz you know, they bring it home and they install it. They mount it on the wall and everything.

[01:04:39]Smart TV. Brilliant TV.

[01:04:42]Good grades TV, right?

[01:04:45]>> [laughter] >> But I'm I'm trying to watch this TV and I I want to be I'm not like a dumb person, but like I I cannot figure [clears throat] out I cannot figure out how to get the subtitles off this TV. And it's like, I can't stress how much this is not my fault. All right?

[01:05:03]>> [laughter] >> I'm not like a dumb Like I know I'm up here doing the jokes and we're all having a good But I'm not a dumb guy.

[01:05:09]Like this is This is crazy. All right?

[01:05:11]And I want to be clear, I know I know that it's not the HBO subtitles at all because then I go to the settings in HBO HBO is like it's not us. We we're not we're not the one doing it. But I'm trying to watch Dune 2, right? Trying to watch Dune 2 on this big screen TV. I turn on HBO. I'm watching and get to that part where like Timothy Chalamet doing that like Fremen language. So he's like "Dook da da ba." You know what I mean? Like whatever they say. And so then in the movie they have subtitles for that part cuz nobody knows what they saying, right? So then the movie those subtitles come up. But then on top of those subtitles are these like nasty gray italic subtitles coming up. And I'm like, "WHO IS TYPING?" THAT'S >> [laughter] >> THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED at all. And I can't get it off. And it's great And it's every It was It was everything I watched. It was I would leave HBO. I could watch something somewhere else and they were like It was It's And that's not even as bad as when I first got it cuz when I first got it when I when I when I first brought the TV home it had I don't know how it happened. It had the audio description on. All right? Now if you if you some of you are familiar. So if you don't know what audio description is it's basically if you're watching it and you're visually impaired it will give you both context for what's happening in the show and things that are more like stage direction that are just happening silently, right? So then I don't know that that's on. I don't I don't know.

[01:06:36]I didn't press anything. I just turned on TV I hit on on the TV. That's all I did. And so then I went to watch Law & Order: SVU, all right?

[01:06:45]So now I'm watching Law & Order and Olivia is like handing somebody their ass, right? Like she's just like you don't know anything about Survivor. You don't know anything. Then she walks out of the room. And then as she walks out of the room my TV is like Olivia leaves the room. And I'm like, "WHO IS THAT?"

[01:07:01]WHO IS THAT?

[01:07:03]WHO IS IN HERE?

[01:07:06]AND I WENT TO THE SETTINGS. I went to Peacock. I went into the settings and the Peacock settings were like, "It's not us. We're not doing that."

[01:07:13]>> [laughter] >> I've I've used remotes all my life. I've used I've all the time used the remote and I pressed every The remote was not remoting. I Finally, it was off.

[01:07:26]I I don't even know what I did. Maybe I didn't do anything. Maybe the TV just decided to stop doing it. I have no idea. But I was watching a different episode and Livia was once again handing somebody the You don't know anything about subtitles. You don't know anything. And then she left the room and I was like, >> [laughter] [laughter] >> Cuz what can you do with this TV? What can I do when the I can't get the subtitles off. You can't hit it.

[01:07:57]You can't hit it. I took out a mortgage on this TV. You cannot hit [laughter] it.

[01:08:03]You used to be able Ooh, right? What the old TV when I was little, I would play Sega Genesis connected to the back of the TV, right? And then sometimes Sega would be glitching up, which, you know, translate for kids means the game was cheating, right? So then the game The game would be cheating and so that would get mad and I would stand up like 10 years old. I'd stand up and I'd punch the TV in its face. I would like I I I'd punch the TV as hard as I could in what I thought was the nose, right?

[01:08:32]Like I would just And I don't know what the TV was made of, but I would punch the TV and I would pull back the most mangled hand.

[01:08:41]>> [laughter] >> Cuz I don't I don't I don't I don't know what it was made of, but it wasn't glass. There's no way it was glass. It had to be like clear steel or something.

[01:08:51]>> [laughter] >> Cuz the hand that I was pulling back all my fing- my fingers had switched up and stuff. My thumb was in the middle.

[01:09:00]>> [laughter] >> And now you can't punch a TV at all. You can't tell You can't even dust this TV.

[01:09:09]You just got to bargain with it.

[01:09:14]Used to be able to hit everything. Only thing you didn't hit back in the day was the microwave.

[01:09:21]And I feel like you didn't hit the microwave because then and now we don't really understand how the microwave works. You know what I mean? That's still That I could always describe a microwave if if someone had never met a microwave before and they were trying to ask me what a microwave was, I'd be like, "It is hot magic."

[01:09:43]>> [laughter] >> Yeah, I mean, they put some hellfire to good use and just >> [laughter] >> it gets the soups hot when you put it in there.

[01:09:57]My grandma my grandma when I was little, she had what I what I imagined was the second microwave ever made. Like it's >> [laughter] >> It was one of the oldest microwaves I've ever seen and it didn't make any sense.

[01:10:11]We would try to get her to get rid of it all the time because it was so old that the door the door handle for the microwave looked like a door. Like it just And then the buttons She had had it for so long This had to been Maybe it was the first microwave. It She had had it for so long that all the buttons had faded. So you don't know what you're pressing.

[01:10:36]I don't know what's potato and what's two. Like it's Every time you put something in this microwave is a gamble, right? You don't know if you're hitting defrost, if you're hitting nine, or whatever. And so >> [laughter] >> there was one time that everybody was cooking in the kitchen, but I wanted to make some Easy Bake in the little cups. so flipped open, put the water in, try to put in the microwave, was like don't don't don't don't cuz I I just had to go by feeling because all the buttons were like Audi's.

[01:11:05]Does that make like all the all the buttons were poking out like >> [laughter] >> Go go ahead, press me. Go on.

[01:11:20]Press me. I don't know what's going to happen either. Press me.

[01:11:22]>> [laughter] >> Let's do it. Do it.

[01:11:25]Do it.