9 Mind Games Avoidants Play When They’re Secretly Obsessed With You | Carl Jung

Added: 2026-06-01

[00:00:00]Have you ever felt someone pulling on your heart without ever truly holding your hand? They move close enough to wake something deep in you, then pull back before it becomes real. They look calm, maybe even distant, but somehow they still live in your mind long after the conversation ends. That is not just chemistry. That is not just bad timing.

[00:00:21]And it is definitely not your imagination. Sometimes the person who acts the most detached is the one thinking about you the most. But instead of showing love in a clear way, they hide it behind distance, silence, and emotional confusion. They do not always play these games because they are cruel.

[00:00:39]Many times they do it because closeness scares them. Because real feelings make them feel exposed and because losing control feels more dangerous to them than losing the connection itself. So they keep one foot in and one foot out.

[00:00:54]They give you enough to keep you hoping, but not enough to let you rest. And if you have ever asked yourself, why do they keep coming back if they do not want me? Or why do they act interested then disappear, stay with me? Because this is where things start making sense.

[00:01:11]What looks like indifference is often fear in disguise. What feels like obsession is often hidden behind avoidance. And once you see the pattern clearly, you stop blaming yourself and start seeing the emotional game for what it really is. The first game is the hot and cold cycle. And this one can pull a person in deeper than almost anything else. It begins with warmth. They suddenly open up. They text more. They sound softer. They give attention that feels rare and personal. For a moment, you feel chosen. You think maybe the wall is finally coming down. Maybe this is the turning point. Maybe now they are ready to be honest about what they feel.

[00:01:50]But then, almost without warning, the energy changes. The replies get short.

[00:01:54]The affection fades. The silence stretches. Plans feel weak. The connection that felt alive suddenly feels far away. And that shift leaves you spinning because it makes no sense on the surface. But underneath it often follows a pattern. The closer they feel to you, the more their fear wakes up.

[00:02:12]Instead of staying present inside that closeness, they retreat from it. They cool down. Not always because their feelings are gone, but because their feelings got too strong. That is why this pattern feels so addictive. Their warmth gives hope. Their distance creates anxiety. Then your mind starts chasing relief. You are no longer asking, "Is this healthy?" You start asking, "How do I get them back to how they were?" And that is the trap. The cycle keeps you focused on their mood instead of your own peace. Most people miss this part. They confuse inconsistency with depth. But confusion is not connection, and intensity is not always love. What makes that hot and cold pattern so powerful is how it rewires your emotions little by little.

[00:02:57]Every warm moment feels like proof.

[00:03:00]Every cold moment feels like a problem you need to solve. You replay old messages. You think about the exact tone they used. You search for the moment everything changed. You blame your words. You blame your timing. Sometimes you even blame your needs. But their push and pull is not a puzzle you are meant to solve. It is a defense they are using to manage feelings they do not know how to hold. The more you try to stabilize them, the more you end up abandoning yourself. You become extra careful. You speak softer. You ask for less. You celebrate tiny signs of effort because you have been trained to treat small scraps like something special. And this is where emotional dependency grows. Not because the love is deep, but because the uncertainty is constant.

[00:03:44]Your nervous system gets attached to the rush of return. When they come back warm again, it feels like relief, like water after a drought. And that relief can feel so strong that you mistake it for destiny. But real love does not need to disappear to prove it matters. Real love does not make you feel safe one day and invisible the next. So if someone keeps heating up your heart only to freeze you out, do not call that mystery. Call it what it is. Emotional instability dressed up like passion. And once you name it clearly, it starts losing power over you. Another game is silence. Not peaceful silence, not healthy space. The kind of silence that lands like punishment. The kind that makes you stare at your phone and wonder what happened. When someone with avoidant patterns feels overwhelmed, exposed, or emotionally cornered. They often stop talking instead of speaking honestly.

[00:04:36]They go quiet. They pull back. They vanish emotionally while expecting you to feel the weight of it. And the painful part is that their silence often says more than words. It creates tension. It creates doubt. It creates that sharp feeling in your chest that makes you want to fix things fast. They may not say, "Come chase me." But the silence does the talking for them. It pressures you to reach out, to explain, to soften, to carry the emotional work alone. And when you do, they feel safer because they get reassurance without having to be vulnerable themselves. This is why silence can become a form of control. They may be deeply affected by you, but instead of saying, "I feel too much right now," they disappear and let you sit in the confusion. Then when they return, they often act as if nothing happened. No clear reason, no real repair, just a casual message, a joke, a light check-in. That return can make you feel grateful when you should be asking harder questions. Because if their pattern is to hurt the connection and then come back without accountability, the silence was never just about space.

[00:05:42]It was also about power. Over time, that silent treatment changes the way you relate to love. You begin to fear disconnection more than disrespect. You start calling emotional neglect just how they are. You become grateful for crumbs of contact because the silence felt so heavy. And that is how your standards start shrinking without you noticing.

[00:06:04]The person pulling away may still care.

[00:06:06]They may think about you constantly while they are silent. But care without clarity can still wound you. Fear does not excuse emotional manipulation. If their coping style repeatedly makes you anxious, doubtful, and small, then the impact is real, no matter what their hidden feelings may be. And here is the deeper truth. Sometimes silence is not their way of forgetting you. Sometimes it is their way of staying connected without risking honesty. They want you to miss them. They want to matter to you. They want proof that they still live in your emotional world. But they want that proof without the exposure of direct vulnerability. So they disappear and wait for your reaction. Watch this carefully because it reveals everything.

[00:06:52]If someone goes quiet whenever feelings get real then returns once your attention fades, they are not protecting love. They are protecting themselves from the vulnerability love requires.

[00:07:03]And the moment you stop rewarding silence with endless emotional labor, the whole pattern shifts. You stop performing for their return. You stop proving your care through panic. You start choosing calm. And that is when the silence loses its control over you.

[00:07:19]Then there is jealousy. One of the most subtle and effective games of all. They may not come out and say they want you.

[00:07:25]They may never clearly admit that they care. But they will test how much they matter by trying to stir something in you. Maybe they casually mention another person. Maybe they praise someone else in front of you. Maybe they talk about options, attention, likes, messages, or someone clearly interested in them. And they do it with a relaxed face almost like it means nothing. That is what makes it so confusing. They want a reaction while pretending they do not because your reaction becomes their answer. If you look bothered, if your tone shifts, if your energy changes, they learn that they still affect you.

[00:08:02]They feel important without having to ask for reassurance directly. That is the hidden reward. They get emotional confirmation while staying protected behind vagueness. But here is where it gets complicated. The moment they feel wanted again, their fear gets triggered, too. So, after they stir jealousy and receive proof that you care, they often step back. They got what they needed and now the closeness feels dangerous again.

[00:08:28]So the cycle repeats. They provoke. You react. They feel reassured. Then they go distant and the cost lands on you. You start comparing yourself. You wonder who else is in the picture. You question your worth instead of questioning the game. That is why this pattern can be so draining. It teaches you to connect love with competition as if affection only becomes real when someone else enters the frame. Another thing many people overlook is how closely they watch you while acting like they do not care. This part can make you feel like you are going crazy because the outside and the inside do not match. On the outside they seem distant, cool, unbothered, maybe even detached. But underneath that surface, they are paying attention to far more than they admit. They notice your tone. They notice how long you take to reply. They notice your energy changes, your online activity, your small shifts, your silence, your warmth, even the words you almost did not say.

[00:09:26]They study your reactions while giving very little away about their own. Why?

[00:09:31]Because observation feels safer than exposure. Watching lets them feel close without admitting they are emotionally invested. Asking would make them vulnerable. Opening up would make them visible, so they choose distance and data. They gather information quietly.

[00:09:45]They read between lines. They replay moments in private while staying guarded in public. And this creates a brutal imbalance. You may feel like you are the only one caring out loud while they move through the connection untouched. But often they are not untouched at all.

[00:10:01]They are simply hidden. That is why they sometimes react the second your energy changes. The moment you pull back, become less available or stop feeding the dynamic. They notice quickly. They may not say, "I miss you." but they send a message after weeks. They may not confess fear, but they become more present the second they feel your distance. That response is not random.

[00:10:22]It is a signal that they were paying attention the whole time. And when you finally start letting go, that is often when they return. This is one of the clearest signs that the connection was affecting them more than they admitted.

[00:10:34]As long as you are there, as long as you keep reaching, waiting, understanding, and making room for their inconsistency, they feel emotionally safe. They assume access. They assume you will stay. But the second you truly shift, not as a game, but because you are tired, because you are healing, because you are choosing yourself, something unsettles them. They feel the loss of control.

[00:10:59]They feel your absence where your attention used to be and suddenly they reappear. A message, a reaction, a memory, a soft check-in, something small but deliberate. It can feel meaningful, especially because it often arrives right when you are finally regaining your balance. But be careful here. Their return is not always proof of growth.

[00:11:22]Sometimes it is only proof that they noticed your withdrawal and did not like losing emotional access. They want to see if the door is still open. They want to know if they still have a place in your heart. And if you welcome them back without new boundaries, the old cycle often restarts. They feel reassured. And once that reassurance lands, the distance can return. This is why their comeback can feel so personal and still lead nowhere. It is not always about building something real. Sometimes it is about restoring their position in your emotional world. If they come back only when you leave, pay attention. That pattern speaks louder than their words ever will. Then come the mixed signals.

[00:12:06]The behavior that keeps your mind busy even when your heart is exhausted. One moment they speak with softness and depth. The next they act like none of it mattered. They may hint at a future, then disappear into emotional fog the next day. They might share something vulnerable late at night, then act flat and distant by morning. They may look deeply interested in private and strangely cold in public. Nothing fully lines up and that is exactly why it keeps you stuck. Mixed signals create emotional suspense. They keep you hoping because there is always just enough to make you believe the truth is right around the corner. But clarity never fully arrives. Their fear sits at the center of this pattern. They feel drawn in then panic. They want connection then fear the weight of it. So they offer pieces instead of consistency. Small openings, brief warmth, tiny glimpses that keep you invested. Over time, you start adjusting to the confusion. You say, "Maybe they are just tired. Maybe they are just scared. Maybe you should be more patient." And while empathy matters, endless empathy without boundaries can become self- betrayal.

[00:13:15]You begin to silence your needs to avoid losing them. You become careful not to ask direct questions because you are afraid clear truth might end the fantasy. But uncertainty is not intimacy. If someone truly values you, their actions should not keep erasing their words. And if their pattern makes you doubt your worth more than it strengthens your trust, then what you are holding is not love. It is emotional fog. Another game is breadcrumbming. And this one is dangerous because it looks harmless on the surface. It is not a full return. It is not a real conversation. It is just enough to keep the emotional thread alive. A random message, a late night emoji, a short reaction to your story, a tiny question with no real depth behind it. These small touches can feel innocent. But when they happen again and again without deeper effort, they serve a purpose.

[00:14:08]They keep you available. They stop you from closing the chapter. They give you a spark without offering a fire. And because the contact is small, you may feel silly calling it out. You tell yourself it means something. Maybe they are nervous. Maybe they are taking it slow. Maybe this is progress. But if the pattern never grows into real consistency, then the crumbs are not a bridge. They are bait. They keep you emotionally leaning forward while the other person risks almost nothing. This is especially common when they do not want full closeness, but also do not want to lose your emotional presence. So they maintain the connection at a low level enough to stay on your mind.

[00:14:50]Enough to remind you they are still there enough to block your closure. And that is why breadcrumbming feels so strange. It never fully satisfies you but it never fully lets you go either.

[00:15:02]Watch the pattern not the spark. If every small return leaves you hopeful but every week leaves you empty then the message was not connection it was maintenance. Another pattern is giving future hints without real commitment.

[00:15:15]They speak in almosts. They speak in may. They paint emotional pictures that never become action. They might say things like, "One day we should do that." Or, "You'd be perfect for this part of my life." Or, "I've never felt this with anyone." In the moment, it feels deep. It feels intimate. It feels like you are being invited into something real. But then the energy fades and nothing solid follows. No stable effort, no direct choice, no real building. These future hints can keep a person attached because they create emotional momentum without requiring present accountability. It is a powerful illusion. The dream of what could be starts to compete with the truth of what is. And many people stay trapped not because the relationship is giving them enough now, but because the promise of later keeps them from walking away today. This is where hidden obsession can sound romantic while still being unhealthy. They may genuinely imagine a future with you in their mind. They may even mean the words when they say them.

[00:16:18]But meaning words in a moment is not the same as being ready to live them consistently. If someone keeps describing a future they never step into, the fantasy itself becomes part of the game. It keeps you patient. It keeps you emotionally invested. It keeps you waiting for a version of them that only appears in flashes. And if you are always dating their potential instead of their pattern, you will keep losing time to promises that never become a home.

[00:16:44]The eighth game is testing your loyalty without admitting they are testing it.

[00:16:48]Instead of saying what they need, they create situations that force you to prove yourself. They may pull back just to see if you chase. They may stay vague to see how much uncertainty you will tolerate. They may act hard to read, then watch whether you keep showing up anyway. Sometimes they bring up emotional topics and then go silent, waiting to see how hard you work to keep the bond alive. Sometimes they become difficult right when things are getting good, almost like they need proof that you will not leave when they stop being easy. These tests are rarely spoken out loud, but you feel them. You feel like you are always being measured. How much will you give? How patient will you stay? How much will you endure without asking for more? And the sad part is that passing these tests usually does not create safety. It often creates more testing because fear does not disappear just because you proved your loyalty one more time. When the wound is inside them, your devotion can soothe it for a moment, but it cannot heal it for them.

[00:17:47]That is why you can give more and still feel no closer to peace. If the connection only deepens when you overfunction, then the bond is being built on imbalance. Love should not require constant auditions. You should not have to keep proving that your care is real while the other person keeps avoiding the same level of risk. A healthy connection grows through honesty, not secret tests. The ninth game is acting normal after emotional damage as if nothing meaningful happened at all. This one can be deeply disorienting because it erases reality right in front of you. They disappear, confuse you, trigger your anxiety, maybe even say something sharp or pull away at a critical moment, and then later they return with casual energy like the story has reset. A light message, a funny comment, a normal greeting, no repair, no acknowledgement, no real conversation about what happened. And if you respond warmly, the pattern gets protected. It teaches them that they can break the emotional rhythm and return without responsibility. It also teaches you to swallow your pain to keep the connection alive. This is how self-abandonment becomes normal. You stop asking for clarity because you are just relieved they came back. You stop naming the wound because you fear honesty might push them away again. But if someone can step over your confusion without addressing it, then the comfort of their return is costing you too much.

[00:19:08]Emotional resets without accountability are not peace. They are avoidance. They keep the connection functional on the surface while the hurt stays buried underneath. And buried hurt does not disappear. It settles in your body. It shows up as tension, doubt, overthinking, hyper awareness, and emotional fatigue. So when someone returns acting light after creating heaviness, do not rush to match their tone. Pause. Notice the pattern. Because sometimes the most revealing thing is not that they came back. It is how little they are willing to face when they do. Now take a step back and look at the full picture. Hot and cold behavior. Silence used as pressure.

[00:19:48]Jealousy to pull a reaction. Watching you closely while pretending not to care. Returning when you finally pull away. Mixed signals that keep you hoping. Tiny crumbs instead of real effort. Future promises without present action. Secret tests and casual comebacks that skip accountability. When all of these patterns live inside one connection, it can feel intense, fated, and impossible to leave. But intensity is not the same as safety. And being deeply affected by someone does not automatically mean they are capable of loving you in a healthy way. This is the part many people need to hear. You can be important to someone and still be treated poorly by their unresolved fears. You can be on their mind all the time and still not be chosen clearly.

[00:20:35]You can be loved in fragments and still deserve more. So do not measure the connection only by how strong it feels.

[00:20:42]Measure it by what it builds inside you.

[00:20:44]Does it grow trust or anxiety? Does it bring steadiness or confusion? Does it make you feel more like yourself or less? Stay with that question because it changes everything. Once you stop romanticizing emotional chaos, you begin to see that real love is not supposed to feel like survival. It is not supposed to keep you guessing just to keep you engaged. It is supposed to let your heart breathe. And the way out begins with clarity, not their clarity, yours.

[00:21:12]You do not need one more hidden sign, one more late night message, one more almost conversation to know what a pattern is doing to you. If the connection repeatedly leaves you anxious, overaware, and emotionally hungry, that matters. If you feel more confused after every interaction instead of more secure, that matters. If your peace disappears every time they return, that matters. The shift starts when you stop asking whether they secretly care and start asking whether their way of caring is safe for you. That one question can break the spell. Because even if their feelings are real, real feelings without real consistency can still damage you. So, choose what is solid. Choose what is direct. Choose what does not make you perform for reassurance. Stop chasing the version of them that only appears in flashes. Stop waiting for clarity from someone committed to confusion. Let their patterns speak. Let your body tell the truth your hope has been trying to edit.

[00:22:06]And if you needed a sign to trust your own experience, this is it. Real love does not hide behind games. It does not make you feel chosen only when you are about to leave. It does not ask you to shrink, wait, decode, and endure. Real love is clear. Real love is steady. Real love does not punish you for having a heart. And once you truly understand that, you stop calling emotional chaos a connection.