Fiddlers Three - Episode 5 - The Velvet Glove - Tyler Butterworth

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:00]Heat up [Music] here.

[00:00:21][Music] [Music] Time to purchase [Music] down for the moment. Those who are actually using them and listen. We've been invited up to the boardroom to take drinks with Alec Prescott. That is, if you can spare the time. One moment.

[00:01:05]Before we give ourselves over to the flowing bowl, a word of warning. Alec Briscuit is known within the company as the velvet glove. Now, what does that imply, Osborne? An iron hand, JJ.

[00:01:18]Precisely. An iron hand capable of squeezing the juice out of a man and the pips as well. Criy. So let caution be your watchman. You can depend on us, JJ.

[00:01:26]>> Not where drinks concerned, I can't. In veno veritas, what does that imply? Out of wine comes truth. It had better not.

[00:01:36]Now, he'll probably ask a number of questions regarding efficiency, productivity, and planning. Reply in a frank and honest manner, but don't tell him anything. Be most of the talking to me. I think I shall prove a match for Alec Prescott. Now, I booked a table for this evening at a good restaurant where I shall entertain him on a onetoone basis. Would you like me to come along, JJ?

[00:01:55]>> You will. You did say the next time we had a visitor from head office, you'd take me along. And I shall, but not this time. And we're talking about a five course gourmet meal, not fish, fingers, and peas.

[00:02:04]Your whole body would rebel. I don't mind risking it.

[00:02:07]>> No, Ralph, besides, you haven't struggled glass for glass. But JJ, you are not ready yet, Ralph. There's more to the machaveillian world of senior management than adding up a few figures. You have to learn diplomacy. guile and how to hold your liquor. Now, give me 5 minutes alone with him. And remember, we're a happy, hardworking team. So, pull yourself together, boy.

[00:02:35]>> Well, that's done it.

[00:02:37]>> What do you mean? You're in trouble.

[00:02:38]>> Why?

[00:02:39]>> Haven't you heard the whispers?

[00:02:40]>> No. What whispers? I haven't heard any whispers.

[00:02:41]>> You go into the washroom, run your hands under the tap for a few minutes, you'll hear them. The word is redundancy.

[00:02:48]>> Redundancy. Oh my god. Apparently, we have a super numer.

[00:02:55]Who is it?

[00:02:55]>> I don't know. But one thing's for certain. It's not Mley. I mean, he's up there right now putting in the poison.

[00:03:02]>> I don't believe it.

[00:03:03]>> You better believe it. And after all we've done for him. I mean, where's his sense of loyalty?

[00:03:09]>> Where you going? I'm going to get mine in first.

[00:03:13]>> And where's your sense of loyalty? I'm shocked at you, Harvey. We've always stood together against head office. You know that. Yeah, Ralph's right. One for all, all for one. The three musketeers.

[00:03:23]>> Can't count, Osborne. There are four of us. And if there is a super numer, last in first out, >> wait for me, Harvey.

[00:03:38]>> Blind panic.

[00:03:40][Applause] >> Excuse me. I seem to have lost my way. I was looking for the boardroom. Oh, yes.

[00:03:47]It's uh one floor up.

[00:03:49]Uh, you must be Ralph West.

[00:03:52]>> Yes. They told me you did all the work around here. Oh, >> did they?

[00:03:56]>> They said if you want to know anything, ask Ralph West.

[00:03:58]>> Really? Alec Prescott, PA to the MD.

[00:04:01]Nice to meet you.

[00:04:01]>> Oh, yes. I think you're expected upstairs. I particularly liked your report on the bad debt situation. Very illuminating.

[00:04:08]>> Well, I did spend some time on it.

[00:04:10]>> It showed, Ralph. It showed. In fact, I'd like you to expand on it some. I tell you what, have dinner with me tonight.

[00:04:17]>> Me? Yes. And ask your wife. We'll make a night of it. What do you say?

[00:04:21]>> Well, I think JJ's arranged something.

[00:04:23]Um, Alec.

[00:04:24]>> JJ?

[00:04:26]>> No. No. I mean, JJ's all right.

[00:04:30]>> Yes, I like it. Well, so do I. But, um, I know.

[00:04:36]Boring. Extremely.

[00:04:39]In fact, a bit of an old woman.

[00:04:47]Oh, there you are. Oh, been Ralph's been looking after you properly.

[00:04:52]>> Oh, yes.

[00:04:53]>> Sorry I wasn't here to greet you, but I booked the table for this evening.

[00:04:56]>> Ah, sorry, JJ. No can do.

[00:04:59]>> No can do.

[00:05:00]>> Now, I have a prior engagement some other time. Now, if you gentlemen would show me to the boardroom.

[00:05:07][Music] >> Oh, how disappointing. Yes, and all Spences too.

[00:05:16]Pretty to let the table go to waste.

[00:05:19][Music] >> Perhaps you would care to join me, Ralph. Me? I'm sure I could justify the expense somehow. I'm afraid not, JJ. Why not? You already got enough a moment to go. That was before it came on. What?

[00:05:33]The flu?

[00:05:35]>> You seem to be holding up incredibly well. I'm fighting it, JJ. But a gourmet meal after a diet of fish, fingers, and peas. Well, it could wreck my whole metabolism. No, no. It's a bowl of gr and an early night for me.

[00:05:53]>> The Mulan Rouge.

[00:05:55]>> Yes.

[00:05:55]>> I can't get over it.

[00:05:56]>> Neither can I. It's unprecedented. He turned down JJ to dine with us.

[00:06:01]>> Why?

[00:06:02]>> I don't know. Something's going on. The word is redundancy.

[00:06:05]>> It's not you, is it?

[00:06:07]>> Certainly not. No. The company doesn't take her out an expensive meal, then give you the bullet. It's not the mafia.

[00:06:12]>> You said it was.

[00:06:14]>> Yes. Well, if it is, it's Molly that's got to worry. He wasn't invited.

[00:06:17]>> What did they say when you said you were going out with Prescuit?

[00:06:20]>> I didn't. I told them I got flu.

[00:06:23]>> Don't you think that was a little underhand?

[00:06:25]>> No, they do the same to me. Oh, they're all at it. Harvey got Molly tickets to aspects of love last week. And Osborne's always bringing him jars of his mother's homemade jam. Now it's my turn.

[00:06:36]>> But what does Prescott want? Well, >> why should he want anything?

[00:06:39]>> Well, you've always said there's no such thing as a free lunch.

[00:06:42]>> Well, this is dinner. That's the same thing.

[00:06:45]>> What are you getting at, Ross?

[00:06:47]>> Well, suppose Prescott wants to know things. Suppose he wants to pump you.

[00:06:52]>> Pump me? He asked me because he likes my work. I'm not the office gossip. He can't buy me with a free meal.

[00:06:59]>> Ralph, he could buy you with a sandwich.

[00:07:02]>> You're so pathetically grateful. JJ only has to send out for a hot dog and you'll work 3 hours overtime. I just don't want them to think you're creeping.

[00:07:11]>> Creeping.

[00:07:13]creeping. I'm not creeping.

[00:07:16]I'm climbing.

[00:07:18]>> And you've got to back me up.

[00:07:20]>> Me?

[00:07:20]>> Well, why do you think he invited you as well? Because when it comes to promotion, the wife is all important.

[00:07:25]He'll want to get a good look at you.

[00:07:28]>> We'll certainly get a good look at you in that.

[00:07:31]>> What's the matter?

[00:07:31]>> Oh, is that what you're wearing?

[00:07:33]>> Yes.

[00:07:34]>> Can you keep it up?

[00:07:37]>> Keep it up. What's wrong with it?

[00:07:39]>> Nothing. Could have trouble with a jelly and ice cream. It won't be jelly and ice cream. It's the Mulan Rouge. It'll all be in French.

[00:07:46]>> Yes, of course.

[00:07:47]>> So, don't eat anything you can't pronounce. And don't point at the menu.

[00:07:50]>> There is nothing wrong with my French.

[00:07:52]>> Your French is awful. Especially when you've had a few drinks. So, just have what I have.

[00:07:57]>> Well, suppose I don't want what you have.

[00:07:59]>> I do hope you're not going to be difficult.

[00:08:01]>> Why am I ever difficult?

[00:08:02]>> Well, you've had a few drinks.

[00:08:03]>> I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm hearing this, Ross. I have been out to dine before. There's more to the Machavelian world of senior management than adding up a few figures. You've got to learn diplomacy and guide and how to hold your liquor. So, don't you worry about me. You just concentrate on keeping that dress up.

[00:08:20]>> I do wish that babysitter would come.

[00:08:23]You better go out there.

[00:08:24]>> Oh, no. I've got my best suit on.

[00:08:25]They're not getting their jammy hands on me tonight.

[00:08:28]>> Ah, there she is.

[00:08:35]>> Oh, hello, Osborne. Hi. I heard about your flu. I bought this. It's mother's special remedy. You just add boiling water, cover your head with a towel, and then you you How do you feel? Not too bad. I think I'm winning.

[00:08:50]>> You look as if you're winning.

[00:08:52]>> It's Ros I'm worried about is on her chest.

[00:08:54]>> You could just go straight upstairs.

[00:08:56]>> Oh, hello, Aussie.

[00:08:58]>> Ros.

[00:09:00]>> Oh, I just go and check the children.

[00:09:04]>> Are you going out? Going out with flu?

[00:09:06]Are you mad? You're all dressed up. Yes.

[00:09:12]Anniversary 15 years. Wonderful woman, marvelous spirit. Insisted on dressing up. Now she'll have to go and rub her chest. Well, thank your mother for this.

[00:09:18]Just hope the kids don't get it.

[00:09:26]>> Who's that?

[00:09:28]>> Doctor. Good night, hospital.

[00:09:39]at pre my dear all right we'll order right away I think madam soon They say that the buffon crowd came up to expectations, Alec indeed, Ralph.

[00:10:14]Yes. Would you care for a side of the sweet trolley Ros?

[00:10:16]>> Oh, I think I've eaten enough.

[00:10:18]>> Oh, come my darling. Why not give it a whirl? A few profitables and a rich chocolate sauce.

[00:10:23]>> No, I don't think so.

[00:10:26]>> No.

[00:10:27]>> Let me top that up for you, Ralph.

[00:10:28]>> Why not? I wouldn't normally press you, but this wine is particularly good.

[00:10:33]>> I know it's good. You don't have to tell me it's good.

[00:10:38]These little beauties certainly grew on the right side of the hill. I >> You were telling me about JJ. Ralph, >> don't you think you've talked enough shop for one night, Ralph?

[00:10:48]>> It doesn't seem like shop the way Ralph tells it. He's so amusing.

[00:10:50]>> Oh, that's cuz you're such a good listener, Alec. You bring the best out of me.

[00:10:55]>> Not like some people.

[00:10:59]You were telling me about JJ Ralph. Do you uh you get on with him?

[00:11:03]>> Oh, yes.

[00:11:05]When he's there, he's hoping for early retirement.

[00:11:09]>> Early retirement.

[00:11:10]>> Wants to get back to Dorset. A few lobster pots, cottage, little boat. It's his dream. I often see him standing outside the fishmunger, staring down at the mackerel with a far away look in his eye. It's the call of the sea.

[00:11:22]>> So, I suppose it's all down to you and Harvey.

[00:11:26]Harvey?

[00:11:27]Don't talk to me about Harvey. What about Harvey?

[00:11:31]>> He said don't talk to him about Harvey.

[00:11:34]Harvey is my best friend. We were at school together. I wouldn't hear a word against him. But talk.

[00:11:42]He could talk the stripes off a zebra.

[00:11:45]Alec, especially when he's selling. Does he sell things?

[00:11:48]>> He'd sell anything. Try to sell his desk once.

[00:11:52]>> Sure.

[00:11:52]>> Alec doesn't want to hear about all this stuff. How?

[00:11:54]>> He has all these mad money-making schemes, you see. There's the pools around the double glazing. Doesn't leave much time for work. Too many sidelines, you see. But he's a good friend. I wouldn't hear a word against him. And I can honestly say he's never tried to rob me.

[00:12:11]>> See, so I suppose you have to rely a great deal on Osborne.

[00:12:17]>> I wish I could, Alex.

[00:12:20]He's a nice lad. I like him. I don't care what the others say.

[00:12:24]>> What do the others say?

[00:12:25]>> That he's slow.

[00:12:26]>> Oh, he's not that slow.

[00:12:28]>> Of course he's slow. I've seen faster caterpillars. He'd spent all day on a cabbage leaf anecd. But that's because he's a poet.

[00:12:38]Poet. Oh, I'm sure we'll hear great things from him one day. But you see, the trouble is he thinks in blank verse, rhyming couplets, and metaphors. It's bound to slow him down a bit. But I like him.

[00:12:51]It's his mother. I can't stand coming into the office at 3:00 in the afternoon with his Mac just because it's raining.

[00:12:58]You sound an odd bunch.

[00:13:00]Don't get me wrong, Alec. I wouldn't work with anyone else. Best bunch of mates I've ever had. Great sense of unity. All for one and one for all.

[00:13:10]That's us.

[00:13:14]I think I will just um have a look at the sweet Johnny.

[00:13:26]You rat.

[00:13:31]You're all right, Ralph. Oh, yes. Fine.

[00:13:38]Just like freshen up.

[00:13:41]It's been nice talking to you this evening. Very informative. I was just being um light-hearted really. Yeah. And it's interesting to hear the views of middle management so cogently expressed.

[00:13:52]You're an intelligent man rather wasted in that position. You got a good brain, quick grasp of the situation.

[00:14:05]Trouble is head office has become too parochial. There's no interchange of staff. You've had no exchange of new ideas.

[00:14:13]You become hidebound, isolated. Would you agree? I couldn't agree more. The problem is uh lack of leadership. What? Well, you put your finger in it, Alec. I took someone from outside to see it. See, there's no direction from the top. But I've done my best, but what can I do? I'm too big for the job. I need a challenge. Did you know I was being headunted by British Gas?

[00:14:37]>> Yeah. No. Um, excuse me, Harvey. I seem to have lost my dinner companion. Nice talking to [Music] I got to recognize those feet. Harvey, before you say anything, I can't.

[00:15:00]>> Brilliant. Ralph, what a master stroke.

[00:15:02]I'm proud of you. Really beat Molly to you this time. Well, I What did you say about me? What? What did you say about me? Haven't actually got round to you yet, huh?

[00:15:11]>> Well, don't waste too much time. It's a golden opportunity. You don't have to say much. Just that I'm intelligent, hardworking, occasionally inspired. No.

[00:15:20]often inspired. I'm only staying out of a some strange sense of loyalty.

[00:15:25]>> Have you quite finished talking to yourself, Harvey?

[00:15:29]>> We have to leave, Harvey. I'm just impress coming to the dining room. I can't be seen with you. I'm supposed to be dining with the manager of the Nat West. So, get your coat. We leave by a side door.

[00:15:39]And Pres is coming this way.

[00:15:41]Make us Hi GJ.

[00:16:04]>> How do you feel? I only asked because I'm about to rattle a teacup.

[00:16:10]>> I feel like there are two men in here trying to move a grand piano. I think they've got it wedged. I should have thought there'd have been room.

[00:16:18]>> What's the matter?

[00:16:19]>> Nothing.

[00:16:21]>> What happened last night?

[00:16:22]>> Don't you remember?

[00:16:24]>> I thought we had a good time.

[00:16:25]>> Oh, yes. It was all gayy and laughter until we came through that front door.

[00:16:30]And then talk about the return of the drunkard. I feared for my safety, Ralph.

[00:16:34]What? Shouting and finding fault.

[00:16:37]>> I didn't find fault.

[00:16:38]>> So, you don't remember vacuuming the carpet at 3:00 in the morning?

[00:16:41]>> No.

[00:16:42]>> You'd have been there now if you hadn't broken the cleaner. After that, the whole thing degenerated into fast.

[00:16:47]>> I remember becoming a little playful.

[00:16:49]>> Playful. You came upstairs with a traffic cone on your head.

[00:16:55]>> Then you became amorous and pushed me out of the bed. I don't suppose you remember that either.

[00:17:00]>> I remember a crash.

[00:17:02]>> That was me. I don't remember anything else.

[00:17:05]>> I'm not surprised. By the time I'd climbed back in again, you were fast asleep.

[00:17:09]>> Well, it's late. I've got a job to go to.

[00:17:11]>> Then you're the only one who has.

[00:17:15]What do you mean?

[00:17:16]>> Don't you remember the demolition job you did on the staff last night?

[00:17:19]>> I was only joking.

[00:17:21]>> I never realized until now that I'd married a snitch.

[00:17:25]>> I'm not a snitch. Prescuit didn't take me seriously. He was laughing.

[00:17:30]>> Not with his eyes, Ralph. Not with his eyes.

[00:17:33]>> What was he doing with his eyes?

[00:17:36]>> Registering, recording, calculating, analyzing.

[00:17:41]>> He was doing a lot, wasn't he?

[00:17:43]Why didn't you warn me?

[00:17:45]>> Warn you? You were beyond reason. He drank one glass of wine to your three.

[00:17:50]You just sat there drinking and snitching away for all you were worth.

[00:17:54]>> Well, stop saying that, Ros. What am I going to do? Lifelong friendships are going down the tubes here. I'll have to talk to Prescott. Tell him I didn't mean any of it. Tell him it was just a drink.

[00:18:03]A lethal cocktail of wine laced with envy and malice.

[00:18:08]What do you think, >> Ralph? You've got a wife and three children to support.

[00:18:14]Say nothing.

[00:18:19][Music] [Applause] What's this?

[00:18:48]>> It's a jar of my mother's homemade jam.

[00:18:51]I realized I hadn't given you any yet.

[00:18:53]>> Thanks, Osborne. About last night.

[00:18:54]>> That's all right. That's all right.

[00:18:55]Harvey's explained. Quick thinking, Ralph. What?

[00:18:57]>> Getting him on his own like that. What did he say about me? Um, did you mention my qualification?

[00:19:04]>> Didn't actually get round to that, Osborne. Never mind. There's plenty more where that came from.

[00:19:11]>> JJ wants to see you, Ralph.

[00:19:15]He's sweating.

[00:19:19][Music] Ah, Ralph, have a digestive biscuit.

[00:19:31]Oh, thanks JJ.

[00:19:33]>> About last night.

[00:19:34]>> No need to explain, old man. Many are called but future. As long as one of us made the right impression, that's all that matters. I think I better have a word with Prescott.

[00:19:44]>> No, you can't. I've just spoken to him.

[00:19:45]His hairing back to headquarters, ranging from the motorway, car phone in one hand, shaving with the other, and driving with his knees. No, >> apparently he got what he came for. He said you had a a frank exchange of views.

[00:20:01]Did he mention the the super numera? Uh, no.

[00:20:06]Did my name crop up at all? No. What?

[00:20:11]What did he mention me? Was I discussed?

[00:20:14]We did discuss your desire for early retirement.

[00:20:18]Early retirement?

[00:20:22]Who said I wanted early retirement?

[00:20:26]You did, but I didn't mean it, you idiot. I've got a sick wife and two daughters at teachers training college, and I can't afford early retirement.

[00:20:34]What about the lobster pots down in Dorset? Not the lobster pots.

[00:20:38]Get out of here, you bling idiot. I have to ring up head office.

[00:20:52]What's he doing? He's been shut up in there all day.

[00:20:55]>> Probably writing his letter of resignation.

[00:20:59]>> I feel terrible. He'll never forgive me.

[00:21:01]Oh, >> you don't have to worry about him, Ralph. He's nothing around here anymore.

[00:21:06]>> Still, we better get on. I wouldn't like him to see us doing nothing.

[00:21:08]>> Ralph, if you want us to work, we'll work. Anything you want us to do, we'll do. We don't take any more crap from him.

[00:21:17]Any trouble, you have a word with your friend, Alec.

[00:21:25]Just happened to find another job.

[00:21:34][Music] >> It's coming.

[00:21:37]>> So what? Ignore.

[00:21:43]Oh crap.

[00:21:46]I see you will become recipient of the homemade jam.

[00:21:52]I just thought I'd tell you I've been talking on the phone to head office.

[00:21:58]Couldn't get hold of Prescuit, but I did discover the identity of the supernumemer.

[00:22:05]No need for alarm. It was Prescuit himself. When he arrived at head office, he took his card away and his key to the executive washroom.

[00:22:14]He had 10 minutes to clear his desk.

[00:22:17]Ironic, isn't it? The MD decided they could no longer afford his extravagant lifestyle. Any savings he was making was going out of the door and expenses.

[00:22:27]Oh, you may have to pay for that meal.

[00:22:29]Ralph, you look shocked. I'm not surprised.

[00:22:35]All that scheming and conniving and crawling for nothing.

[00:22:44]I just hope you can live with yourself, Ralph.

[00:22:48]Now get on with your work order.

[00:22:54]>> Well, did you hear that? Crawling.

[00:22:59]>> Yes.

[00:23:01]Mind you, he's right. It's a very creepy thing to do. Sneaking off to that restaurant without telling us.

[00:23:09]Yes. And he said he had flu.

[00:23:12]>> This goes to show, Osborne, it is every man for himself.

[00:23:15]>> Yes. One for all. All for one. Has a pretty hollow sound to it now, doesn't it?

[00:23:21]>> Oh, why don't you get on with your work?

[00:23:24]>> Don't give me orders, Ralph. I take my orders from JJ.

[00:23:39]Mr. M.

[00:23:52][Music] Heat up here.

[00:24:10][Music] Heat. Heat.

[00:24:24][Music]