Recognising Psychological and Emotional Abuse: What They're Actually Saying

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]would be saying these things to destabilize other people and to keep the dynamic one-sided. But these phrases are all uh aimed at either crazy making, some kind of provocation, blameshifting, or maintaining the their sense of themselves. You might not have heard these things maybe word for word, but you might have heard something very similar to it. I'm going to go through some of these common phrases. I'm going to give you my interpretation. So, I'm not saying this is fact, okay? Everybody has different motives and so on, but I will give you my interpretation of what these phrases mean and why they say them. So, the first one you might have heard would be something like, "You're too intense." Now, it doesn't matter what it is you're doing. Doesn't matter what it is you might bring up. Doesn't matter what it is you might be experiencing. You could be experiencing a really horrible time at work or something or you're responding to their behavior or whatever, but you hear something like, "You're just too intense." I would speculate what they're really saying is your normal reaction to this is maybe inconvenient for me or your normal emotional response to what I've just done maybe threatens my sense of control. One way or another, I think it's a way of just labeling it as your problem. It's nothing to do with them.

[00:01:25]They don't need to do or say anything.

[00:01:28]You are just reacting badly. So, it is your problem. And I think one of the reasons is is again they don't have to take any accountability. I think it's a way of flipping the focus onto you as opposed to what they have been doing. or even if someone else has been mistreating you somehow. Again, it's a way of them avoiding having to take any responsibility, maybe supporting you or encouraging you or showing any kind of empathy. So, leading on to another one would be you have a terrible temper.

[00:02:00]Maybe they've done something, they've said something, you you keep asking them not to and they keep on doing it. So, you end up frustrated. you raise your voice, you might even swear or whatever, and they tell you you've got a terrible temper or they're afraid of your temper or something like that. My interpretation of that would be either I'm projecting my own volatility onto you. Maybe they throw tempered tantrums and things like that. So, it could be a way of them projecting their own volatility onto you. Or it could be the fact that you've even pointed out their behavior or raised some kind of concern. It doesn't matter how you do it. Doesn't matter what tone of voice or what kind of language you use, but that's treated like it's an act of aggression. You have performed some active aggression against their self-image, against their version of themselves. And it's a way of rewriting the reality again, taking the focus off them and on to you. What you often find is when they are projecting is they're trying to position themselves as maybe the reasonable party or the wounded party. So another one, whatever it is that's happened to you, and it doesn't even have to be them that are treating you badly. It could be others that are mistreating you. You're not happy with being called a particular nickname or people taking your stuff or whatever it happens to be. But whatever it is, they might say something to you like, "Oh, you should just let it wash over you."

[00:03:31]You know, don't let it bother you. It's a bit like, "Don't worry, be happy." As if there's something wrong with you for having a problem with the way you're being treated. So, my interpretation of that would be if they're the ones that are treating you badly and you raise it to them and they should and they're saying, "You're too sensitive. You should just let this wash over you. Don't let it bother you." I think really what they're saying to you is just tolerate my behavior, tolerate my disrespect. You shouldn't have any kind of reaction or you shouldn't have any kind of boundaries. So I think it's just a way of uh devaluing what your experience is. Just let it wash over you. I think is maybe a way of saying I really don't care.

[00:04:18]Why they would say things like that to try to minimize is first of all to not get involved. As I said a moment ago, they don't really want to empathize with your pain. But if they're the ones inflicting it, it minimizes the harm to them. It's minimizing the harm that they're causing. It's also a way of training you, if you will, conditioning you for ongoing mistreatment, leading you to believe there's something wrong with you for having a problem with being treated badly. Which leads me on to another one that um you might hear, and it usually comes down to things like their standards. I have very high standards or I have too much respect for myself.

[00:05:01]What I believe they're saying, I'm not going to show any vulnerability. I'm not going to compromise. I'm not going to apologize for anything because if I were to do that, that is going to go against this superior false selfimage that I have. It's also a way of keeping other people under this constant state of strain that these conditions, they're never going to meet them. This person is never going to be happy. And it's not because they're bad. It's not because they're manipulative. It's not because they believe they're entitled or whatever. No, no, no. They just have very high standards. There must be something wrong with me. Now, this is the thing. I've said this so many times when it comes to things like narcissism.

[00:05:46]If they are going to use words like respect, I think it's a very skewed version of respect. I think what they believe the word respect means is obedience and compliance. but they're saying it in a way that makes them seem maybe morally superior. Uh they're sounding super self-aware, but really what they're doing is deflecting any responsibility for any real kind of change or any kind of uh reciprocation in the relationship. admitting you're wrong is a sign of weakness or bragging, giving a bit of advice, something like, "Oh, you should never admit anything. Never admit anything."

[00:06:30]As if this is some kind of strength or some kind of, you know, showing how noble they are or again self-aware and how much respect they have for themselves.

[00:06:41]I think real really what they're saying when they claim things like, "Oh, admitting you're wrong is a sign of weakness." It's really a way of saying my ego is far too fragile. I cannot take responsibility. This image I have created of myself must be protected at all costs.

[00:06:59]I can never admit fault. I can never admit error. I can never own up to any kind of mistakes whatsoever. Again, it's that protecting that very fragile sense of themselves. It sounds to me like they actually know they're wrong. Okay, they're just not going to acknowledge it. It sounds like they know they're wrong, but they're just going to double down because in order to have any kind of fault or error suggests there's some kind of flaw. Uh, a sense of weakness.

[00:07:30]Admitting fault might feel like a weakness. It could feel like maybe a loss of control. So instead, they just dig their heels in, even if they have to go through the most crazy, bizarre mental gymnastics to try to rewrite reality just to preserve that flawless version of themselves as well as dodge consequences, I would say, in many cases. Right, moving on.

[00:07:57]Next one. You're the one that's struggling. You need a bit of advice.

[00:08:00]You need a bit of help. So you might go to them and rather than them even just listen, even if they say, "Look, I don't know what you should do there. I don't know how I could help you." No, they'll just shut you off with something like you're just going to have to look within yourself for the answer or that's up to you to sort out or none of this is my business. I don't know why you're bringing it to me. What I suspect they really mean is I I don't want to take any responsibility for this. Your feelings are not my problem. Don't be bringing them to me. They are an inconvenience.

[00:08:38]If it's something they have been doing, it's a way of saying, "Oh, I'm just deflecting all responsibility." Again, your reactions are not my problem. Your reaction is the problem, okay? Not what I'm doing to cause it. But it is also a control tactic. Whenever they say, "It's up to you to sort that out. that's not my problem or you shouldn't be coming to me with anything like this. When they're saying things like that, it's just a way of you ending up carrying some kind of emotional load. They will not lift a finger to help you. And yet, do you ever notice when it comes to their problems, it's like you have to move heaven and earth to keep them happy, to manage their triggers, to avoid upsetting them or or whatever. and yet your problems, your issues are nothing to do with them, even if they are the ones who are causing the problems in the first place.

[00:09:34]A very common one I think a lot of people hear, especially when uh they're on the wrong end of things like narcissistic rage is maybe hearing something like you don't care. Maybe you're not panicking enough. Maybe you're not scuttling around the place trying to make everything better for them. Now, what I believe they're saying when they accuse you of not caring is if you are not focused on them 100%.

[00:10:04]It's like you're uncaring. You might have other priorities. You might have other people in your life. You might have other things going on. If you're not focused on them 100% every second of the day, you don't care about them. If they're in some kind of tizzy, even if it is just the consequences of their own behavior, maybe in the workplace, they were caught being up to no good, they're they're going to be fired or whatever.

[00:10:30]If you are not going along with the idea that the whole workplace, the manager and everybody in it has something against them, then it's because you don't care because you won't collude that they are being the victim.

[00:10:44]Then you don't care. One of the things they will claim when they're idealizing people and eventually as normal we cannot always be this perfect version of ourselves but they feel a sense of um betrayal somehow that you you are not the version of you that they have created. So you might hear something along the lines of I put you on a pedestal.

[00:11:10]You know I absolutely worshiped you. I thought you were amazing. What I believe they're saying is you are not the version of you that I created in my head. I created this version of someone in my head that would make me feel good about myself all day and every day. That would drop everything at the drop of a hat just for me. That would abandon every single other person on this planet just for me. So, not being able to regulate their own disappointment or even manage their own expectations. It's more like you've betrayed them somehow. You've lied to them somehow. You've done something deliberately to them. But I think what they're really saying is it is up to you to meet their expectations of you. You have to be the version of you that they demand or you are at fault. Anybody who was in a long-term relationship with a narcissistic person, especially if they ended up married to that person, at some point or another, they will hear things, and this is similar to the last one. I put you on a pedestal, going to hear things like, "I made a mistake marrying you." Or, "You're the biggest mistake I ever made." I think what they're really saying is they're devaluing you. They are rewriting history to justify their current behavior and to erode your sense of worth. Another one is a form of triangulation.

[00:12:41]It's when you're you're you're talking to them about something and there's maybe something maybe they can pick up that you know there's something not quite right. There's something not quite quite fitting. But then you will hear something like if you don't believe me ask such and such or ask anyone who knows me. They'll tell you that I am as honest as the day is long or whatever.

[00:13:02]When they're doing that, they're triangulating. They're trying to create this false social self, but they're also trying to create this uh social proof, if you will, social proof because other people believe. Now, I believe what's really going on is if they were to say something like you, if you don't believe me, ask this person. Or if you don't believe me, ask that person. I believe what they're really doing is they've maybe went around a lot of different people telling them the same sort of stuff and in their minds it's like the more they say it the more true it becomes. So they could tell a hundred people this this story of themselves and that person who maybe challenges them on it and says you know it doesn't really sound quite right. I'm not quite sure how that would have worked or whatever.

[00:13:47]Well, if you don't believe me ask Dave they've created this kind of false kind of social proof. Now again one of the reasons they do it is it's again it's about managing impressions where for instance in public they can be very charming, very nice, wonderful, attentive, kind, polite and things like that. Behind closed doors in privacy they could be cruel, dismissive, cold and all the rest of it. So you're having an argument. How can you not see why this is important? and they're coming back with, "I do care. I mean, ask anyone that knows me. They'll tell you how much I care. You're the only one who's not seeing this. You're the only one who's accusing me." So, it's a way of undermining again your sense of reality. Another common phrase you might hear would be when they start to confuse you with little gaslighting phrases. You might tell them something and they're not getting it. They pretending they don't understand it and things like that. So you try to explain it to them maybe in simpler terms to which you'll hear something like that's not what you said a minute ago. So that's true to one point maybe didn't say it word for word.

[00:14:58]You might have even used an analogy. You might have I don't know used glove puppets. You could have done anything to try to get through to them. Even that's not what you said 10 years ago as if you're supposed to remember word for word what you said 10 years ago. One of the reasons they do that is again it's gaslighting your memory. And even if it's that's not what you said a minute ago, what they're really doing is they are pedantically twisting your words to make you doubt yourself. I hope this will work as an example. It's like if they ask you, do you like tea or coffee?

[00:15:35]And you were to say, I don't mind. I can take either. But then later on they ask you, do you like coffee? And you say yes. and they immediately come back with, "Well, that's not what you said earlier." Okay, you see what I mean about being pedantic? And I don't know if that's a good enough example, but I hope you get what I mean. You didn't say it word for word. And both things can be true. You can like tea or coffee. You can like them both. Pouncing on even slightly phrasing something differently to accuse you of lying or being inconsistent. Again, they are distorting your re your reality. Another one, a common one, especially when it comes to the unkind humor is things like it was only a joke. It doesn't matter what they do. It doesn't matter what they say.

[00:16:16]They could have said or done something that was really cruel. It was really, really cutting. It was really hurtful.

[00:16:22]But they're telling you that it was only a joke. It's minimizing their behavior, their provocation and shifting blame to you because of your lack of humor or your they might claim hyper sensitivity.

[00:16:38]Again, it's a way of conditioning you that you find it very hard to say anything to their cruelty, even if they're saying these things publicly in front of your friends or whatever. And it's all to undermine you. It's all to embarrass you. It's all to humiliate you. For them, it's like a win-win because if you answer back, if you say something to them, you're now attacking them because they meant no harm. It was only a joke. It was only a bit of humor.

[00:17:04]If you say nothing, they know that you're hurting. They know you're feeling bad, but you're afraid to speak up. So, it's like a winwin for them. So, it's like they provoke you, but then act as if there's something wrong with you.

[00:17:17]You're you're victimizing them because of how you react. It can also be a way of testing your boundaries and avoiding accountability at the same time to cross a little boundary to test your boundary a little piece at a time. And it was only a joke. There was no harm meant or whatever it was, but they're they're saying those things to try to avoid accountability. So really um when it comes to some of the phrases they use, these are ways of labeling you as the problem because there's something wrong with you not okay with being hurt. So to go back to where I started with the you're you're just too intense. You you have a problem with being made fun of or being demeaned or devalued or whatever. you're you're too intense because you weren't okay with me ignoring you for the past four night or whatever. What I'd ask you to think about is maybe you're not too intense. You're either responding to their behavior, but you really are just responding to their manipulation. And if you are responding to how they behave, and I say respond rather than react, if you are responding to how they're behaving, it's not because you're intense or anything like that. Maybe it is just because you are observant. You can see it and you can see it for what it is. You're not just picking up on one thing, okay? One thing that's going to be upsetting. It's going to be difficult. It's going to be hurtful.

[00:18:49]It's going to be whatever those things.

[00:18:51]It's not just a one-off. It's not because they're having a bad day. This is just someone who's had a bad day.

[00:18:56]They've got bad news or whatever. They only got about an hour's worth of sleep or something. This is an ongoing repeated pattern of behavior. And if it's not the same thing, it's the same kind of thing. If you're recognizing that, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It doesn't mean that you're too sensitive. It doesn't mean you're too intense. It doesn't mean you're disrespecting them or anything like that. It just means you're noticing it. It means you're observant.