Gabriel Iglesias Fluffy Stand-up Comedy: Buying My First Gun Went Horribly Wrong! 😂

Ajouté : 2026-05-08

[00:00:00]So next thing you know, I got in line. I had to get a little ticket with a number like when you're at the DMV or you know, meat market or chicken masala, right?

[00:00:12]I got in line. 45 minutes I waited in line.

[00:00:18]And as soon as I get to the front this guy comes up to the counter and he's like, "How can I help you, son?"

[00:00:24]Well, um and by the way, I heard some of you chuckle and just so we're clear, I'm not saying that all people who sell guns talk like that.

[00:00:47]But his name was Jim.

[00:00:51]So Jim was like, "How can I help you, son?"

[00:00:54]Well, I'm here to see about purchasing my first firearm. Well, you come to the right place. You know what you want or you need a hand? Actually, I've had some time to look at your selection and I think I found something that's going to work for me. All right, WELL SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. OKAY, right over here in the case, right here, this one. This one? Yeah, yeah, right here. This right here. This one? Yeah. The one right here in the front. This one? No, no, not not that one. This one. This one? No. This one. Not not that one. This one? No, no.

[00:01:18]Right here. The one in the front. With the tag. The tag. Right here. The one that says two two.

[00:01:30]I'm sorry, did you just call that gun a two two?

[00:01:42]Yeah.

[00:01:44]What?

[00:01:45]Ji- Jim, right? Jim? Jim, don't look at me like I'm crazy, dude. I'm just reading the tag. It says it right here. Look at it, right here in the front. It says two two.

[00:01:55]You mean a.22.

[00:01:58]Well, yeah, I guess. Two two,.22, same thing.

[00:02:02]Son, I hate to break it to you, but there's a big difference between a.22 and a.22.

[00:02:10]But hey, this is California, so whatever floats your boat, son. All right?

[00:02:16]Now, is there any particular reason why you have selected a a two two?

[00:02:24]Well, as impressive as your selection of guns here is, I recognize a lot of them from movies. It's a bit much for me. I'm very simple.

[00:02:33]This gun looks very manageable. It's small and, you know, it looks easy.

[00:02:38]Plus, it's on sale.

[00:02:41]You know what I mean? And I mean, come on, man. A gun's a gun, right?

[00:02:50]Not exactly.

[00:02:52]Is this not a good choice? Son, YOU WANT MY PERSONAL OPINION OR YOU JUST want to buy it and be done with it? No, please tell me if I'm making a mistake. Is is a a.22 a good gun or a bad gun? Son, in my personal opinion, you're better off tickling them as far as I'm concerned.

[00:03:12]All you're going to do is aggravate the situation.

[00:03:17]You're just going to piss them off is what I'm trying to tell you.

[00:03:22]Well, Jim, lis- listen to my thought process. My whole idea for the gun is I'm going to use the gun more so like as a deterrent. So if somebody breaks into the house, they're going to see this big bald Mexican holding a gun and then they're going to think twice and then rob my neighbors instead.

[00:03:39]SON, IF SOMEBODY BREAKS INTO YOUR HOUSE and they have a gun, they're going to know you're holding a.22 and I'll tell you what's going to happen. They're going to take it from you and they're going to beat the holy hell out of you with it, right?

[00:03:53]And the beating you're going to get from a.22 is going to hurt a hell of a lot more than the bullets coming out of a.22. That's for damn sure.

[00:04:04]Now, listen. I don't know you, but I think I know your situation and correct me if I'm wrong. You want to protect your home. Yes. Your family. Yes. Your valuables. Yes. All right, follow me.

[00:04:20]I think I got just what you need right here, okay? You see this right here?

[00:04:25]This here is a 9 mm to start.

[00:04:29]Okay?

[00:04:30]A 9 mm is a solid firearm. Two to the chest, that man IS GOING DOWN 10 OUT OF 10.

[00:04:40]HOWEVER, I GOT THIS special military grade ammunition over here.

[00:04:46]I got this here bullet.

[00:04:48]It's called a spreader.

[00:04:50]Yeah, it's what I used to call my ex.

[00:04:55]Oh, she's a real pistol, too. Let me tell you, that's why I had to move here to California so they'll never find me here. So this bullet when it comes out the chamber, it opens up.

[00:05:05]And when it hits, it'll leave a hole about yay big.

[00:05:12]And stupid me, I said this. I said, "People survive that?"

[00:05:19]SURVIVE?

[00:05:22]SURVIVE?

[00:05:24]SON, YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO SURVIVE. YOU WANT THEM DEAD AS FRIED CHICKEN AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

[00:05:32]I said, "I don't want anybody to die."

[00:05:36]You don't WANT ANYBODY TO DIE?

[00:05:38]YOU GUYS HEAR THAT? YOU HEAR THAT? HE DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO DIE. YEAH. OH, YEAH. YOU KNOW who he voted for?

[00:05:52]>> [cheering] >> Look here, two two. You're stressing me the hell out, man.

[00:05:57]I want to help you, but you got to want to help yourself. So listen.

[00:06:02]I'm going to do everything in my power to get through this. Um I'm going to paint a picture for you, okay?

[00:06:10]You're home.

[00:06:12]Someone breaks in to your home.

[00:06:15]They have a gun.

[00:06:17]You have a gun.

[00:06:18]You have already told this person to leave or you will shoot and they're not leaving. Matter of fact, they're doing the complete opposite. They're getting closer and closer and closer and closer.

[00:06:30]Now they're so close you can see the whites of their eyes. This individual is standing directly in front of you. You can see each other. This individual is prepared to do whatever it takes to leave with whatever they want including taking your life. My question to you is, are you prepared to do the same? Are you willing to protect your family, your home, your valuables and most importantly, yourself in this situation?

[00:06:57]WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

[00:06:59]>> [cheering] [applause] >> FIRST OF ALL, BRO, you should sell like life insurance, man, cuz you're missing your calling. I felt that. I felt it.

[00:07:14]Um if I'm cornered like that and I have absolutely no choice and my life is in danger, I promise you, Jim, I will step up, man, and I will shoot them right in the leg. I will.

[00:07:34]You really think you're going to hit the leg, Mr. first time gun owner?

[00:07:39]Hey, if I buy that bullet you're trying to sell me that covers that much, up close, I can hit a leg.

[00:07:46]Two steps closer, I'll shoot them in the huevos. I will do it. I'll I'll hit a pelota. I will. I'll No more babies, man. All right. All right. You don't got to get graphic on me now.

[00:07:58]Son, you know WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IF YOU SHOOT SOMEONE IN YOUR home in the leg and they live? Yeah, I know what's going to happen. I'm going to sleep better knowing I didn't take a life and I was able to protect my home, my family and my stuff. That's what's going to happen.

[00:08:15]Uh clearly you're a Disney fan.

[00:08:23]That's about the biggest fantasy I've ever heard right there.

[00:08:27]Son, I would ask you if you knew, but clearly you don't, so I'm not going to waste my time spinning my wheels on this one. I'm just going to call it like it is.

[00:08:35]If you shoot someone in your home and they live, they can come back and sue your ass.

[00:08:46]That's right. And here's the kicker.

[00:08:49]They're going to win.

[00:08:51]That's right. They're going to win.

[00:08:54]And not only are they going to get everything they wanted to get when they first broke in, when it's all said and done, you are going to cut them a big fat check. Now, what do you got to say about that?

[00:09:09]SO THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S GOING TO DIE.

[00:09:15]>> [applause and cheering] >> HE GOT EXCITED. NOW WE'RE TALKING.

[00:09:26]I FOUND OUT SOMETHING THAT DAY. I found out that people that sell guns are a lot like people that sell used cars.

[00:09:34]They play on your emotions and then they start to upsell you and make you buy things you don't want or need. He knew I was scared because he kept saying it to me. Cuz I know you're scared. You're scared and your fears, you're worried, you're scared. And every time he'd say scared, something else would appear on the counter.

[00:09:55]He sold me so well that when he was done selling me, I wound up with four rifles and four handguns and a case a case of spreader ammunition.

[00:10:15]I hear some of you clapping and why?

[00:10:18]It's excessive.

[00:10:20]I only have two hands.