Successful women often transfer their business mindset into relationships, leading to five key mistakes: (1) expecting others to be to them while not being to themselves, (2) giving their all to takers without reciprocity, (3) ignoring red flags because they believe they can handle them, (4) trying to change another person's will, and (5) not learning lessons soon enough. The core issue is that business skills like overfunctioning, self-reliance, and persistence create imbalance in relationships, which require mutual presence, alignment, and discernment instead.
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FIVE MISTAKES SUCCESSFUL WOMEN MAKE IN RELATIONSHIPS by RC Blakes本站添加:
Hey, hey, hey.
Well, hello, hello, hello, hello. This is RC Blakes and I want to welcome you again tonight to another Let's Talk with RSC Blakes. And we have an amazing conversation tonight. We're talking tonight about five mistakes successful women make in relationships.
Everywhere I go, women are asking me, "How is it that I can build a business?
I can succeed in corporate America.
I can accomplish the greatest educational feats.
But for some reason, every relationship I develop fails.
I want to deal with this tonight and I need you to invite some others to come in and to be a part of this conversation tonight.
If this is your first time here, I'm RSC Blakes and I'm a pastor, pastor of New Home Ministries, uh, in Louisiana, New Orleans, Texas, Houston, uh, multiple places in Louisiana, and we even have a location in Jackson, Mississippi.
I'm also an author. I've written a book, Queenology, um, Father Daughter Talk, Training for Reigning. All of these books are empowerment books to women.
And my wife and I have the the ministry of empowering women all around the world and of course the nation. Queenology.
And if this is your first time, just kind of hang out with us and see how we we kind of operate. This is a a loving community, uh a close-knit community, and um we'll be very very glad to have you with us tonight if you decide to hang around. And if you like what you hear, subscribe and become a part of our of our family. But I want to get started tonight because so many um high value queen conscious um bosses in your own right women who are very very good women. I mean good in every sense of the word.
feminine, smart, rich, industrious, you know, connected.
You still struggle when it comes down to building healthy relationships. I thought about this and I think I have I have an answer. I think I have an answer for you tonight. And I want to start, you know, I love I love stories. And I want to talk about a a lady by the name of Monica, a lady who was very admired, about 46 years of age, um, financially secure.
Just giving you her profile. Respected, you know, in her field, in her community, in her church, in her city, generous with her resources, her time, humble, and just known for her composure. She always held it together. She was a amazing businesswoman. She led teams at church. She solved problems on the job and carried responsibility with quiet efficiency just you know unshakable in in relationships.
Monica watch this did what she had always done.
She assessed, she adopted, or adapted rather, and she endured.
Yet, one question lingered. She did all the same stuff in relationships that she did in business, but she always had this question.
Why does what makes me successful at work keep failing me in relationships?
Why is it that the model I use to succeed in corporate America, in you know entrepreneurship, ministry, whatever, why does that model not work in in relationships?
Because the business, listen to this, the business mindset rewards overfunctioning while healthy relationships require mutual presence.
I've talked extensively about how a woman has to change hats. You got to take that boss hat off and put your feminine relational hat on.
Adam Grant puts it this way. says what gets rewarded gets repeated even when it stops serving us.
The the skills that the skills that create professional success, self-reliance, problem solving, emotional containment. See, all of these are things you use in your in your your boss world. Persistence.
These things are not neutral.
When transferred, watch this uncritically into relationships. They create imbalance.
Most of the time you have become the amazing success you are in business and what have you because of an imbalance.
But in relationships, imbalance is not good.
You can be highly functional. Listen to this statement. I wish it were mine.
You can be highly functional and deeply misaligned at the same time.
That's Dr. Gabbora mate, highly functional and deeply misaligned at the same time.
Because for a woman, it requires one hat for business, another hat for relationships.
And wisdom is learning where a strength must be softened and not sharpened.
And so let's get into it. I have five mistakes that that women typically make.
And um you can agree with me or disagree. Just light it up. Mistake number one, expecting others to be to you, but you will not be to yourself.
Expecting others to be to you, but you will not be to yourself.
And when you think about this, it it kind of looks like this. You you tell people, "I'm fine."
While all the while you're feeling depleted, you you don't ask for reassurance.
You don't ask for rest or clarity or help.
Yet you feel quietly disappointed when others don't offer it. You don't ask for it, but you get upset because no one offered it.
But you know, let me let me just say this right here.
I think one of the most horrific statements ever made is the idea of a I'm a strong woman. And don't don't get me wrong, women are strong in a lot of ways. I'm the first to say women are many times stronger than men in some instances. There's some things that women can endure that men can't endure. But I think when it comes down to the relational dynamic, I think it's a horrible mistake for a woman to lead with. I'm a strong black woman or I'm a strong, you know, Asian woman, white woman, Hispanic woman. I'm strong because strong people usually get ignored when it comes down to empathy.
Nobody pays attention to the strong person. This is why fathers complain on Father's Day. Nobody really pays attention to fathers because fathers are known as the strong one. So nobody considers them. Everybody assumes they're all they are always good. That's that's not pleasant for a man. It's nearly impossible for a woman.
And so you you you you know you you you lead with this. You you you pride yourself on being lowmaintenance, but inside you feel unseen and you feel unsupported.
Right?
All of this is happening on the inside and you don't realize it, but what you've done here is you transferred your business mindset model to the way you do relationships.
See, in professional environments, whatever it might be, business, corporate, whatever, ministry, whatever it might be, in professional environments, ignoring personal needs is rewarded. It's rewarded with what?
Promotion and increase in pay and hitting your goals.
You you push through push through fatigue, suppress emotion cuz you got to show up in that boardroom and you prioritize outcomes over self attunement.
That discipline builds careers.
But in relationships, listen to this.
The same discipline that built your career, if you transfer that into your relationships, it trains others to follow your self- neglect. I'm a strong woman. I don't need nothing. I got everything. I'm low maintenance. I can do it all by myself. And then when people let you now, you get angry with them.
Mark 12 and verse 31 says, "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Yeah. J Bree say, "Sounds like self abuse." That's exactly what it is.
MyAngelou said, "You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
Everything you're doing is teaching people how to treat you.
Self loyalty creates relational clarity when you are loyal to you.
And that's not that's not to say that you know you're self-consumed or some narcissistic woman, but you're loyal to you. You have standards and you have you have boundaries.
You train people to respect those boundaries. You train people to know how you should how you demand to be treated. In fact, it's how you command to be treated because it's the way you treat yourself. Now, there's some questions I want to ask you, and I want you to answer them in your mind, and if you're free enough, put it in the chat, and I want your real answer. I don't want I don't want the nice little church answer. I want your real answer. Please, not no profanity, please. But I want your real answer.
What needs do you suppress to remain effective or agreeable in relationships?
How much stuff are you suppressing to just come across as agreeable or you know effective in a relationship?
You know in in in most cases the the the true answers would read something like this. emotional honesty. You're suppressing that, rest, and you're forsaking boundaries.
Second question, how would your relationships change if you honored yourself first?
How would your relationships change? The relationships you have now, how would they change if you honor change if you honored yourself first? Your love affairs, your friendships, your family relationships, how would they change if you honored yourself first?
Might look something like this. You'll have less resentment because right now you have a lot of resentment because people are ignoring you. You feel like they're ignoring you at least.
you you'll have um clearer expectations and you'll have more peace.
Here's here's a third question for you.
Is your expectation of others fair if you don't model it?
If you don't model, you know, for yourself what you expect other expect of others, is it fair for you to have that expectation of them? If you don't honor you, is it fair for you to expect other folk to honor you?
No standards must be embodied to be sustained.
They got to see it in you. They got to see it in you, you know. Now, here's mistake number two.
Here's mistake number two.
Um, giving your all to people who are pure takers.
You're just you're just opening up yourself and you're pouring all of you out for people who are pure takers. This is a mistake many successful women make.
You can't buy love. You can't sacrifice your way into helping somebody else to see your value.
It looks kind of like this. You initiate most of the contact.
You you end up excusing missed effort and you rationalize imbalance.
You make room for their stress, their schedules.
and their moods while your own needs quietly fall to the bottom of the pile.
And again, this comes from that business hat that you put on, that business mindset.
See, because you spent your life pursuing your your goals, your marks, your you career, your business or whatever. You are trained to add value first.
You're trained to exceed expectations and you're trained to prove worth through contribution.
But in relationships, this turns into overinvesting before trust or reciprocity is established.
Career cool. But in relationships, there has to be reciprocity. And there's a rhythm. There's a timing. You can't you can't overd deliver for somebody who's not even making an effort.
And the Bible puts it so brilliantly and it says in Matthew 7 and verse 6, "Do not cast your pearls before swine."
But many successful women do this. You buy stuff for people that you know you just you're doing too much. Renee Brown said, "Generosity without boundaries is self- neglect.
Is this making sense?
Is this making sense?"
So, you have to reframe.
And here's the reframe.
Reciprocity, not effort, is the currency of intimacy.
Reciprocity, not effort, is the currency of intimacy.
Got some more questions for you.
Um, how do you decide who deserves your energy?
How do you decide who deserves your energy?
Is it does a person just have to be fine? Do they just have to be nice? Do they have to just, you know, just ask?
Do they just have to need you because everybody that needs you doesn't deserve you?
Right? And if there's only so much of you, you're limited. You're not God. So if if you if you if you don't really figure out if you don't really figure out how to decide who deserves your energy, you going to be depleted on people who never deserved you and empty for the people who really deserve you and need you.
You see the wisdom in that? See, it's it's cool to think, okay, I'm just going to give myself to everybody. I'm going just be everything to everybody. And then you end up spilling all of your pearls to swine.
And now your children need and you ain't got it because you've given everything you had to people who just came to take.
So you have to decide who deserves my energy. Everybody does not.
And I think you decide this largely by observing who shows up consistently without prompting, without motive.
Right? Not just attention, but intention here. Here's another question for you.
Um, what evidence do you require before you make deep investment? Do you require any evidence?
Does a person have to show you anything before you make deep investment? Or do you just, you know, just invest yourself fully in people that that are unproven?
You need somebody with sustained action, not just explanations or promises, but somebody who sustains their act. They say what they're going to do and they do what they're going to say consistently.
Here's the third question for you. Where do you confuse loyalty and self-sacrifice?
Where do you confuse loyalty with self sacrifice?
What you call loyalty is really self-sacrifice.
And you know you've entered into this realm when when staying with a situation is costing you your peace and your dignity.
All right. Praise the Lord.
Mistake number three is ignoring red flags because you believe you can handle them.
You just, you know, you got all of these red flags and you got all of these whistles going off in your spirit. You're getting all of these checks in your spirit.
You know, you you seeing all of this stuff that's not lining up and you ignoring it because you feel like you can handle it. Like like like you know, I got it.
You you you notice all of the inconsistencies.
You notice the emotional distance, the the emotional unavailability.
You notice the dismissiveness, the disrespect, but then you find a way to explain it away. Well, they just like that because, you know, they had a tough life.
You tell yourself you're not bothered.
Even though your nervous system is is tense, you on high alert, you're unsettled around this person. Isn't it strange how one part of us can want a person so desperately and then another part of us can be like, "No, no, no, no, no. Uh, this this ain't working."
Ain't that strange?
The one of the Bible says the heart is deceitfully wicked.
Now this again comes from your you know the way the way successful women have been mentally conditioned in terms of business. You are trained to manage risk, to stabilize chaos, and to fix problems.
This makes you um treat even red flags in relationships as challenges to overcome instead of information to take heed to.
See, God is not showing you this red flag for you to figure out how you can overcome it. God is showing you this red flag for you to run. Floristine run, get your grip and get gone.
But because the way you built in your mind from business, oh, I can overcome this. I can I can manage this. I can I can I can defeat this. Listen to what the Bible says in Proverbs uh 22 and3.
the prudency danger and take refuge.
Bessel Vander Ko says your body keeps the score. See, you're holding all of that all of that stuff in your spirit, in your soul, in your body. A lot of the aches and pains and ailments you have, it's from stored up trauma that you experienced from relationships that should have never even gotten beyond should have should have never even gotten to the conversation stage.
Discomfort in your soul, in your spirit is information.
It's not weakness. When you feel when you don't feel comfortable with someone, that's your spirit saying this is not it. This is not for you.
Now, they may have they may check all of the boxes on paper, right? But your spirit is saying this is not it.
And then you you run up on somebody else that you know they don't they don't check all of the boxes. They they're not hitting all of the the marks that you the superficial things, but your spirit, your soul is at rest. Your your nervous system is good. Discomfort is information. It is not weakness. It's spiritual information. It's insight.
It's not to be overcome.
It's to be yielded to. God is trying to tell you something. So here here are some of the questions that I have for you on this. And again, um, if you're comfortable in answering this publicly, please do so.
It helps others. What signs have you overridden before in relationships? What kind of signs have you overlooked? Now you look back on it, you're like, I can't believe I overlooked that, but I did.
You know, what signs have you overlooked? you know, you know, avoidance, lack of follow through, emotional unavailability. What signs did that you overlook? It It's always baffling to me when somebody says, "Oh, I I I was I I was engaged to or I was dating a narcissist." How long were you with him? 20 years. Took you 20 years to know this was a narcissist?
No. You knew it probably within the first few months, but you just chose to overlook some things.
Why do you feel responsible for managing these issues, issues of other people?
Why do you feel responsible to manage issues?
Because competence can quietly become emotional overfunctioning.
The the competence that you use in your business, in your career, can quietly become overfunctioning in relationships.
you're trying to do for a grown person what a grown person should do for him or herself.
Here's the third question for you. What would honoring your intuition and or discernment look like?
If you honored your your discernment, your intuition, what would it look like?
I think it'll look something like this.
If you're healthy, pausing, observing patterns, and acting sooner.
Pausing, observing patterns, and acting sooner. Not Not sweeping stuff under the rug, ignoring stuff, not rushing into things, but pausing.
Here's here's here's mistake number four.
Trying to change the will of another person.
trying to change a grown another person's will.
They they they've clearly proven to you that they don't want you, but you're going to hang in there and you're going to you're going to change their mind.
You're going to negotiate.
You you explain your needs carefully, offer grace, adjust your expectations and wait.
You feel hopeful after, you know, good conversations, but nothing meaningfully changes.
You become the emotional manager of this other person, of this relationship. You are now officially the emotional manager of the relationship.
And you as the woman are being told you need to submit to the man that you have to be the emotional manager of the relationship you're in with him. What kind of dynamic is that?
But that again comes from your what business mindset.
You are accustomed to coaching, developing people, and improving performance. This should not be so in your relationship with your man.
Not in a man that you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with. You shouldn't have to coach your man.
In in relationships, this becomes an attempt to train intimacy instead of choosing alignment. You got to choose alignment over training intimacy.
You're trying to train a man how to love you. And of course, there are things that you have to tell a man, teach a man for him to know about you. But you don't have to train a man that is your man that's that loves you how to love you.
Because love, a a man that loves you pays attention and learns you. Love learns you.
But you like you you like you in the in the in the boardroom with a white board.
You you you you think you going to train this man into being what you need him to be.
Jeremiah 13 and 23 says, "Can the Ethiopian change his skin? Can the black man change his skin? This been like this for 61 years.
It ain't changed and it ain't going to change, right?
What makes you think you can change a person?
But oh, you know, I I I I took a failing company and I brought it to the top. Oh, I know you did. I took the worst team in the whole company globally and I made them number one. I know you did. But those those skills do not apply in relationships, bae. You can't come to your relationship and think you going to bring your corporate skills and train a man how to be the man he needs to be for you if he ain't the man. Oh, I'm preaching better than y'all shouting.
Let me see something here. I ain't got no help here. So, let me see WHERE I got my missionary back there.
Missionary say I'm doing good.
See, when when we when we listen to this, when we try to fix people, we abandon ourselves.
As Harriet learner, when we try to fix people, we abandon ourselves. Quickest way to lose yourself is to chase someone else.
quickest way to lose you is to chase me.
So you got what what what does the reframe what what does the reframe of this look like? Is this is this relevant or am I just talking to the air here? Is this is this helping anybody?
Here's the reframe. Love is not a development plan.
As a woman, you can't you can't develop a team all day at the job and then come home and then develop your man. It it that ain't that is not a good that is not a good look. Love is not a development plan. A person is either aligned with you or they're not.
And you got to be mature and healthy enough to be able to say you're not aligned. God bless you. Let's be friends. Here's a question for you. Are you responding to who this person is or who you hope they will become?
In other words, is this a partner or a project?
>> Preach RC.
>> Preach RC. Is this a partner or a project?
Oh my god. Let me see something here.
Y'all wearing me out tonight.
You see, healthy love responds to present reality.
Did you hear that? Healthy love responds to present reality, not potential.
Healthy love responds to present reality, not potential.
Here's a question for you.
Who are you sacrificing while you're waiting?
What are you sacrificing?
Who are you sacrif you're sacrificing time? You're sacrificing yourself, your future. You're sacrificing peace. You're sacrificing self-rust. You don't even trust you no more with the decisions you're making. Third question, how does this dynamic affect your dignity?
If you stick with this, where's your self-esteem going to be not long from now?
You're a superstar in the boardroom, but then you get home in these relationships.
What's going on is it it's teaching you to negotiate your needs.
And you're not realizing it. Now move to number five and I'm done. You're not realizing it, but the same things that make you a great success in your business are the the very things that are causing you great problems in your relationships.
Mistake number five.
Mistake number five. Can you all hear me?
Not learning the lesson soon enough.
That's the biggest mistake. You don't learn the lesson soon enough.
It takes you too long to learn the lesson.
Huh?
The first time your your credit card came up missing, right? And then you you discovered it in his car and then you saw all this stuff that he charged on your car and then he told you he was sorry and he you know it was just a moment and then you forgave him and now you wiped your whole bank account out. Now you say you now you say you know.
Let me get me some water here. You didn't know when he took your credit card.
I wish I could just have a real conversation with somebody. You didn't know when this man stole your credit card.
You needed more.
So now now you got your social security number. You got credit cards in your name and he wiped all your bank account out. Now you know. Come on now. You didn't learn. Big mistake. You don't successful women don't learn the lesson soon enough.
You stay longer than clarity warrants cuz you've already invested time. Oh, I've put so much time into this. I put so much effort into this. You've invested time. You've invested emotion.
You've invested hope. You tell yourself leaving now would it would make everything a waste.
Even as disappointed as dissatisfied as you have become, you feel like leaving will make things a waste. It's that would be like a person that that goes to a casino and they lose they go with a thousand they lose 500 and say, "Well, I may as well stay cuz I still got 500 left. I I I've lost 500. I may as well stay. I lose it all." That's your again that's that's that's some of your business mindset.
You're trained to persevere. You're trained to pivot and finish what you start in relationships.
That endurance delays necessary endings.
Sometimes it's just time for thing to come to an end. Okay, this is over.
Sorry that it had to end this way, but this is over.
It's been not nice knowing you. God bless you until I never see you again.
Carl Young says, "What we do not change, we choose."
So you move from a victim to a volunteer at a certain point.
Oprah Winfrey said, "Wisdom is knowing when to walk away.
Wisdom is knowing when to walk away.
So many so many highly successful women don't know when to walk away because you don't you don't like to accept what you view as defeat. It's not defeat. It's just wisdom. It's it's in it's it's enlightenment. You know, I'm I'm I'm enlightened. This is not for me now. Um, here's here's the reframe.
Wisdom knows when persistence becomes self betrayal.
Wisdom knows when persistence becomes self- betrayal.
Here's some questions for you.
What patterns repeat in your relationships? When you look over all of your relational history, what patterns have you just constantly repeated?
Probably looks something like overgiving, emotional imbalance. Only one really invested, you know, emotionally.
um breaking all of your um boundary lines, sabotaging all of your principles and values for the sake of trying to train a person to love you. I think that kind of, you know, that kind of stuff goes, you know, but I need you I need you to answer this for yourself.
Um here's another question. What boundary was delayed?
And here's here's here's a here's the third quest question. What truth have you postponed?
Because love should not require endurance.
Love is not something we endure. Love, love is something that we enjoy. Even the difficulties of it, the joy and the pains of it, we enjoy it. We work together. If you're just constantly, if it's if it's the struggle of bus every day, that ain't that ain't God.
So the business mindset teaches achievement through endurance.
While healthy relationships require alignment, reciprocity, and presence.
Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart."
So this conversation tonight is not about you becoming less capable.
It is about you becoming more discerning.
And I believe when you become more discerning, it is then that you will cease to waste time with situationships that are going nowhere.
And you will preserve yourself for the right relationship and you will discern what is the will of God for you.
May I pray for you tonight? Father, I thank you for the precious Holy Spirit.
Thank you, Lord.
Holy Spirit, I thank you for moving upon the lives of your people tonight and giving them, dear God, a supernatural encounter. Wrap your arms around them and make them know that they are loved.
Give them wisdom, Father, and let them bring balance. Let them learn how to take one hat off and put the other on and give them the wisdom to do so in Jesus's name. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.
Now, listen. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with you tonight. If you need counseling of any kind, there's a link in the description for better help counseling. If you use that link, it's a it's an amazing opportunity for those of you who are struggling with some matters between your ears and you just need somebody to talk to. You can do it right there from the the convenience and the safety of your own home. And you can you can move around until you find a counselor whose voice really resonates with you. That's the beauty of it.
And if you decide to do that, um, you use that link, it will afford you 10% off of the cost of their counseling.
Now, I want to thank, um, my moderators.
You, you all, you ladies are just the absolute best. Lisa and I love you so very much. Thank you for the job you do all of the time. And those of you who've not joined the royal court, you should do so. It's a wonderful community that um Lisa and I are blessed to to lead and um we had our royal court Zoom call on Sunday evening and it was a blessing.
Now, um, we're going to be meeting many of you in Pensacola, Florida this week for the well, some of you rather for the marriage retreat. And then I think the following week, we're going to meet another group of you in Rome. Going to meet you in Italy. We're going to spend some time in Italy together with you.
And I am so looking forward to that. I love you with all of my heart. Thanks to all of you who may have swn into our lives tonight. Lisa and I love you for real. For real. We appreciate you more than we can tell you. Don't forget to go by RC Blake's store or Amazon. Pick up any or all of my books. This is my latest book written to women. Training for reigning. And in my opinion, it's the best one of the three, Father Daughter Talk, Queenology, and now Training for Reigning. Go and pick it up as soon as you can. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with you live tonight and I want to say to you, you are on top. You're going higher. God has more in store for you. I'm going to see you at the top. I love you. I'm out.
My queen.
My queen.
Oh she Oh she beautiful, wonderfully made.
She's heaven's angel.
So strong even in struggle. Yeah.
When life comes like a storm from every angle, she rises above it all.
The backbone of every home.
Nothing compares to all she do.
The true meaning of every family.
She's the glue.
Where would we be without you?
Your brought us Martin, Malcolm, and Obama. Yeah. And Jesus, too.
Sophisticated, strong, simply amazing.
Humble, honest, and helpful.
Educated, everentric, empowering.
She's a queen. She's a queen. She better treat her like a queen.
Oh, her strength is amazing.
Life inside.
9 months she's carrying back to work cuz the family she's carrying.
Society don't give a hug just do but she prevails and stand tall.
A champion, a true woman.
Nothing compares to all she do.
Yeah. The true meaning of every family.
She's the glue.
And where would we be without you? Yeah.
You brought us Martin, Malcolm, and Obama.
And Jesus followed the strongest amazing amazing humble honest helpful.
>> Not only that you are educated, empowering.
>> You're my Jesus. You're my You're my my my my life.
No price could be put on.
How much she's worth so valuable. She's the soul of the earth.
All a part of God's plan.
Powerful as she can be.
The man's anglicated and strong simply amazing.
>> She is humble and helpful. What I like about her is she's my yeah she's my sister strong.
>> She's amazing to me. I'm wonder she's angel. She's my queen.
>> She build me up. She keeps me going strong.
>> She's my queen. Be amazing.
>> She should be amazing.
She and her. She's my queen.
Heaven.
>> She's educated and powerful.
>> She's empowering.
She is my queen.
Yeah.
Greenhy dream.
Hey.
Hey. Hey.
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