What Happened in That Tent Haunted Him for Life

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:00]I got woken up when his hand come under the under the blanket and I froze. He started getting undressed. He did what he did and he me pay to watch me have of other people. There was a lot of pictures of children and boys in school uniform. No pictures of any adults.

[00:00:27]I grew up in a place called Medway, which is in Kent in the UK. A series of small little towns. My mom um left me and my brother just after I was born, maybe I was about one. My father was quite abusive. Um and that's why my mom left. She had an affair. This is this is all that I know. Bits and pieces. She had an affair. Left my father. Um he's now as well. He used to be a police officer. My mother was a police officer.

[00:01:01]Um and I think that when my mom left everything changed. Um and my dad's aggressive side come out um fighting uh involved with the wrong people and stuff like that. So they wouldn't let me go to to my dad. So So we went to to my aunt and granddad and they looked after us. My dad used to My dad would pop in and out. He was in and out of our lives really. Um he'd come around to my nan, but he was off he was at um getting in fights. He had a couple of pubs.

[00:01:36]He was very involved with the criminal underground of the area. Um very connected with some very dodgy people.

[00:01:49]And so he had no interest in in me and my brother at all unless he would come around and he' just sort of come around just to to control a little bit like you know tell me how scruffy I looked or um trying to encourage me to get into fights and to be a little bit more like him. So the first trip that he ever took me on was to um an air show in Kent because he knew that I wanted to be a pilot and I'd never been to to one before. So he asked my dad and granddad.

[00:02:17]He said he had spare tickets. Can he can he take me? I think they were probably a little bit cautious, but they had got to know him by then, so they so they were like, "Okay, yep, let him go." And I had the best day, right? Um it was amazing.

[00:02:33]He treated me well, spent money on me, and I'd never had money spent on me before. Um I saw all the planes, I come back home, and and I was full of it, you know. I had had a great time. So once he had done that then obviously there was an element of trust there because I come back I was safe um everyone was everyone was happy. So then the trips would was started with other things he took took me up to London to to see it to the theater um to the West End. I'd never seen a show. So little things like that he started doing that and there was no um >> there was it didn't seem like there was red flags then. Now looking back, I think that there were like a little touch here and there and things like that, but at the time, no, it wasn't it wasn't picked up on by me or by anyone else. And then as as it went on, then he started to kind of put out there that he had always wanted a son. Um, and in my mind as a child, I suppose I always wanted a dad that was going to be there and give me attention and stuff like that. Everything around taking me out on days out, talking to us, spending money on me, um, helping me with a lot of things, that was all part of the grooming process. And it went on for quite a long time. It wasn't, it wasn't a quick thing. He had planned a lot of this stuff. How much time?

[00:04:04]>> Yeah, I f I think I first started talking to him when I was about eight and my recollection that first camping trip I was about 10.

[00:04:17]So this had gone on for a while and then he had invited me on a camping trip and by that time he was well integrated with my family. So they had no qualms about saying yes or no or whatever else. All the trust. Never done anything wrong.

[00:04:35]Took me on these days out. It was touching me I suppose in ways but nothing too that anyone could notice or I didn't notice. Um so he invited me on this this camping trip and he took me on a camping trip. I'd never been away from home on my own and during the day everything was fine.

[00:04:55]We had fun. We put up the tent, played football. Um, everything was was good.

[00:05:02]And it was when we got to the nighttime that everything went different. Um, we we went into the tent and I remember we were sat there and he it started with him. He got out a bottle of and he told me that he drinks to to to warm him up. It wasn't cold, you know, and I remember that inside those tents it gets quite warm. I just wanted to play a game. And I said, "Well, I I can't." And he said, "Yeah, but he used to say things like, um, you seem a lot older than what you are. Um, you'll be fine. I won't tell your nan."

[00:05:44]And when when I was a kid at Christmas time, we would get or probably a very weak or I'd sneak a bit of my uncle's or or whatever.

[00:05:58]So, in this situation, I felt like I wanted to be grown up and >> maybe >> Yeah, I think I think so. And because my brother had always been the the the big one. Um, and I'd always been the the the little brother, I suppose. No one ever g me any attention at all. Um, I suppose this made me feel like I was being grown up and away from home.

[00:06:26]So, I had some and he started getting undressed and I remember him telling me and I thought it was a bit weird. Um, and I didn't like it. It made me feel quite uncomfortable. I remember that feeling and he got undressed and got into his sleeping bag and he told me he always sleeps naked. It's okay. Um, and as he was talking to me and he was he was watching me and he give me a drink and he's encouraging me to drink here and he was and this is the like the one of the worst memories that I have as he's talking to me. He's sitting there and he's pinching his his um and staring at me. And I'll never forget that image for as long as I live. I went to bed. I woke up in the morning and I was sore.

[00:07:25]Um, in my private areas, in the front, in the back. My head was pounding like a fog and heavy. I'd never felt this before. I felt sick. I couldn't walk properly.

[00:07:42]Um, and there was all the one of the the things I remember was the the smell, this vivid strong smell of like oils.

[00:07:55]Um, there was like a grimy smell. It was horrible.

[00:08:01]And there was these broken elastic bands in on the floor of the tent. And I remember thinking, what what were they for? And when I checked myself, I had marks around my genitals. And I think he looking back, I think he had tied them around my around my genitals. Um, and I I I didn't really know what was going on, but he very quickly stepped in and told me, "You were very last night, weren't you?

[00:08:38]You fell over a few times, didn't you?

[00:08:42]It's all right, though. I'm not going to tell your name." And I remember the way in which he spoke about it was like I had hurt myself because I was playing the fall and falling over and but it's okay because he's going to protect me because my name will go mad if she finds out I was so he'll protect me. He won't tell anyone. So it's okay. And then in that moment, I'm looking at him thinking, "Please don't tell my nan thank you.

[00:09:20]I don't want to get in trouble."

[00:09:25]And then that that's how that was that was it. Then he had me. I knew something was wrong. I knew something was off.

[00:09:34]But the way in which he manipulated the scenario, I felt like it was my fault and I had done something wrong. But it's okay cuz he's not going to tell my name.

[00:09:45]The drive back, it was very like nothing had like nothing had happened, nothing weird at all. It was just the normal stuff and just normal and anytime um anything got mentioned or about the night before it was just like oh we won't talk about that again. I don't want to get you in trouble. So we won't mention that. Let's forget about it. What happens in the tent stays in the tent. you had a I think that you're old enough to be honest, but we don't want your nan to find out because then you'll be in trouble, Matt. And it was just so it was just such a mixed emotion of stuff or confusion in my head. Um because as a child, when an adult says something, you trust them. And the way that I was raised was children should be seen and not heard.

[00:10:52]So you didn't question adults.

[00:10:56]He said that I got I'm sore because I was fell over or whatever else. Um so it must be true. And then and that was it.

[00:11:07]So once he had that then and then he basically spoiled me. Um I got sent I used to like Guns and Roses and he got me an autographed Guns and Roses album, posted it to me. all these these gifts then start coming. The first time that I really knew what was happening, I can't remember where we were, but we were in a hotel and I got woken up when his hand come under the under the blanket and I froze and he did what he did and he raped me and I didn't I was scared But he was also crying when he did it and it was a very very bizarre situation.

[00:12:04]Um and I let him do what what he wanted to do. It's very difficult when you're in that situation because your your body reacts, you know, and this is where I got confused when I was growing up because I started to wonder if I was gay or if I was straight um because of the way that my body reacted.

[00:12:30]And then I felt like did I allow him to do it? But in some ways I probably felt like I did cuz I didn't I didn't kick off.

[00:12:41]But I was also just a child. I remember when we had left the house once and we hadn't even got that far up the road and I come become conscious and he was ripping me in a layby and I was covered in my own and he's just doing what he wants to do.

[00:13:03]um clean myself up. He'd get off me some more stuff, move on. I reached a point then where I just wanted to just not be there. I knew what he was going to do and it was a way in which I could switch off while he did whatever I was about 13 and a half between 13 and 14 and I was walking down the road with my friend and my first ever girlfriend and we were holding hands and all I remember is my mate said, "Matt, run."

[00:13:52]And as I turned and said, "What?"

[00:13:58]And I was out. And then I woke up and I was on the floor outside the cinema in Chattam.

[00:14:08]And if I remember, there was a girl there that came to help me. I said, "I'm all right." I stood up.

[00:14:19]I couldn't feel my left arm.

[00:14:22]and I couldn't feel my leg and it was like I was pun, you know, when you're slurring your words and whatever else. I didn't I didn't know what what day of the week it was. Um, but the hospital was at the top of the hill. So, where Chattam Cinema is is here. If you go up this hill and you go across this field, which is called the great lines, the hospital is the other side.

[00:14:49]So, I walked up the road dragging my leg.

[00:14:54]My arm felt like it was just filled with water. Um, and got myself up up to the hospital. I still didn't know what had happened. Um, I had no real idea what day of the week it was to be honest. I went into the hospital, saw them.

[00:15:14]They put my arm in plaster, which I thought was weird because I couldn't feel it. And I thought if it was broken, I'd be it would be in pain. And I tried to explain this to the to the nurse. And I was I was slurring my words and I was like, "Why have you put it in plaster?

[00:15:31]Doesn't hurt."

[00:15:33]And I overheard her, this consultant guy come and I overheard her say to him, "We're going to send this guy home. He's obviously on." And I wasn't. Um, we can't do anything. Just let him go. And the consultant said, "Has he had a brain scan?" And they said, "No." So he made them send me for a brain scan.

[00:15:58]and I had a blood clot the size of a child's fist pressing against my brain. So then I was bluelighted in an ambulance up to London to the Mortsley Hospital.

[00:16:11]What had happened was two guys um two adults had watched the film Scum. Have you ever seen the film Scum? So the film scum is about um a young offend young offenders institute and in the film scum there's a scene by a pool table where a guy picks up some pool snooker balls pool balls puts them in a sock and hits another guy around with it.

[00:16:42]So their excuse was that they had watched the film Scum and they wanted to see what would happen if they did that to someone.

[00:16:53]>> How old were they?

[00:16:55]>> 18 I think one of them and the other one might have been early 20s.

[00:17:00]1920 I'm not sure.

[00:17:02]>> No kids.

[00:17:03]>> No kids. No. Just a completely unprovoked.

[00:17:08]I had no idea who they are. who they were. Um, yeah. And they hit me more than once because I've got dents in my head.

[00:17:19]>> Scars.

[00:17:20]>> Yeah. You can't Do you want to show I don't think you'll see. I don't think you'll you'll see. But >> Yeah.

[00:17:27]>> So, the scar goes from there around to there. And I've got dents in my head.

[00:17:34]>> And you walked by yourself to the hospital?

[00:17:36]>> Yeah.

[00:17:37]>> How did you do that?

[00:17:39]I don't know. I just got up and felt like I was like I was in a days, but I knew that I knew there was something seriously wrong. Um my my friend had run away. So they must have said something before they hit me cuz he said, "Matt, run."

[00:17:59]So then we went up to the Moy Hospital and I was in the Mory hospital and they were looking at my brain scans and I was sat there looking at them and the doctor and I'll never forget his name, Dr. His name is Stephen King, like the author, my favorite author and uh and he said, "I've never experienced this." And I said, "Why?" He said, "You should be unconscious, like in a coma or something, not sitting here looking at your brain scans."

[00:18:33]And I was like oblivious to it cuz I just thought I could still couldn't move my arm. My legs started to work and that was doing okay, but my arm was just like a like a dead weight. Um and then the next day I went in and they operated on my on my brain and took the blood clot out and um Dr. King come around and he woke me up and they were going to put a catheter in and I begged them please don't put a catheter in to help me to go to we and he took me up and virtually carried me to the toilet and held held me up while I went for a wee. He was amazing.

[00:19:17]Um, yeah. And of course, the other thing that was there was the the predator was sitting by my bedside.

[00:19:25]>> He came to visit >> all the time. Yeah. I wanted to kill myself and take my own life.

[00:19:33]My schooling went out the window. We had there was a just to put it into context around the same time my brother was also in a car crash and broke his back. Um and then my nan and granddad on their way to visit my brother. Another car went the wrong way down a one-way street hit my nan and granddad. My nan broke her back. My granddad lost his kneecap and my granddad lost all the nerves in his arm.

[00:20:05]So at the same time in the same period of time there was one time one point when I was the only one that was healthy and then this happened and we were all ill. So my granddad never went back to work after that. My nan was disabled after that. My brother was in a wheelchair for a while. So by the time I'm 15 years old, I'm thinking, what's the point? My worth is just nothing. I'm just I'm just a nothing to anyone. So as I got older, um, so the abuse never stopped.

[00:20:46]When I come out of hospital, it continued and giving me the continued as well from the day I come out. So he could have killed me at any time. Um he started to introduce me to other people.

[00:21:02]There was another man and we used to go around to his flat. The only thing I knew of him was that we used to call him Gary Baldy. He was a big guy with a bald head.

[00:21:14]The weird thing about that was in this flat there was a lot of pictures of children and boys in school uniform.

[00:21:25]No pictures of any adults.

[00:21:28]I didn't think much of it at the time, but looking back now, I wonder if them kids are okay.

[00:21:40]So introduced me to him and that guy actually come down and met my nan as well.

[00:21:50]Very strange >> for what reason?

[00:21:53]>> He would come down and visit um the predator's mom and then he got introduced to my nan thought he was nice.

[00:22:05]Nothing weird.

[00:22:08]injured me as well.

[00:22:12]Um, and then it started and he'd pay to watch me have with other people and it become such a thing for me growing up that wasn't really uh what it's meant to be.

[00:22:39]It was more what I I grew up I grew up thinking it was something that I needed to do to please other people.

[00:22:53]And the videos got even worse because there was the one time when he asked me to make a video as if I myself and got the video and he set it up in a hotel and I made a video to my nan and granddad talking as if my own life.

[00:23:25]And in the background of the video, he had this black bag that he carried that he had things in. He was in the background with all this stuff while I was on the video telling my dad and granddad my own life and I'm really sorry and I love them and whatever else.

[00:23:47]And I've always thought, what happened to that video? It's that's one of the one of the things that I'll never know.

[00:23:54]But I I remember doing it as clear as day. I remember making that video. This went on for a long time. This went on until I was like 16 years old cuz by the time I'd gone from the little boy that he could manipulate, I was dependent on him.

[00:24:13]So I would do what he wanted me to do.

[00:24:17]So then I had all this this anger and that inside anger at my mom because she's gone off and lived a wonderful life. I've spent my life feeling that everyone that comes into it has just used me and tossed me aside or tried to get rid of me or whatever. And that's that's how everything was. So then as I grew into an adult, the only way I could escape that those thoughts and those those feelings, those emotions I didn't want to feel was throughing because when I drank and I drank to blackout, I shut off.

[00:24:53]When I I had a massive fear of the nighttime.

[00:24:57]This is a grown man. I used to have to have the TV on at night. I'd have to have a light on. And I'd have to have background noise cuz the minute I lay down and everything's quiet and everything's calm, this would go. And and in an instant, I could be right back where I was. I couldn't have unsolicited touch. If I am with someone in a loving relationship, they couldn't just touch me in bed cuz I'll flip out. Um, and this was all the stuff that was the product of what I'd gone through there, but I couldn't say why. So, if you imagine being in a relationship with someone who wants to cuddle, who wants to hug, and I go, "No, they think it's them, but it's not them. It's me, but I can't say why." And that was the thing that plagued me all my life. So I bumped into him over the park and I told him that I've signed up to join the army. He started crying.

[00:26:04]I thought at the time he's crying because I'm moving on. Looking back now, I think he was crying because he knew that his time was going to come to an end now. And then he his own life. My dad had a heart attack coming out of a pub and dropped down dead. And then my uncle over Uh I think about a week after my dad so had the three deaths all in a very short space of time when I was trying to stay sober.

[00:26:35]I didn't go to my dad's funeral cuz it was live streamed to a pub and I had a big argument with his girlfriend and said I need to protect my sobriety. I'm not going to a pub sometimes. Now, I still I feel guilty that I didn't go to his funeral, but I'm sober today. So, there could have been a risk that if I'd gone, someone would have said, "Have a" and I might not be here now. I I don't think I'll ever move on. the the way that I deal with it now is through talking about it through through my job that I do that I find that if I can help other people then that helps me to to deal with with what I've been through and the way that I make sense of it is that so because I had these different traumas so if if someone comes into my life who's being abused um when I say I understand. I do understand. If someone comes into my life who's been attacked, the same thing. If someone comes into my life who's lost a child, the same thing.

[00:27:53]So, the way that I can make sense of it today doesn't give me closure, but I think to myself, I'm strong enough to use that to help someone if they come across my path. So I work as a as a mental health recovery worker um for Burton and District Mind. The profits from the sale of this book are going to be donated to Burton and District Mind.

[00:28:22]What mind does is we help people in the community to co to recover from various mental health challenges um supporting the community facilitate groups and activities and stuff like that. So yeah, through if you purchase this book, the profits from the sale of this book will be going to to a good cause.