12 Minutes That Could Change Your Relationship | Dr. John & Julie Gottman

[00:00:00]I think one thing couples should stop doing is letting their relationships devolve into this infinite to-do list where all they are is having a managerial relationship where they're getting stuff done, you know, for the family, for the children, you know, for whatever needs to be done and ignoring romance and play and exploration and just fun in the relationship. ship, you know, keep that romance alive.

[00:00:34]Have romantic weekends and getaways.

[00:00:38]Have an annual honeymoon.

[00:00:40]Explore, play, have fun, be silly. And if you ignore that stuff, it goes away.

[00:00:50]I think one of the things that couples should really stop doing is looking for what their partner's doing wrong and then trying to improve their partner by pointing out what they're doing wrong and what they should then be doing in place of what they're doing wrong.

[00:01:14]They're trying to change who their partner is. the partner resents it and the partner is gonna feel defensive.

[00:01:23]So that needs to stop.

[00:01:27]>> Also say kiss for my mother. And >> one thing also that couples should stop doing is using sarcasm or teasing with a little bit of contempt beneath the surface.

[00:01:45]that a partner is going to feel and it'll feel like a knife slicing them in two. So, don't use either sarcasm or teasing to express something that you hold in contempt in your partner.

[00:02:07]>> Yeah. It just humiliates the partner, >> right?

[00:02:10]>> And you know, is really making them feel small and worthless. [snorts] Especially if you do it in public, you know, tell a story, tell a story about your partner in public that humiliates your partner, right?

[00:02:23]>> And, you know, don't do that. I'd say one thing you could do tonight is to sit down and assuming there's time for it, you know, and check with your partner to see that there is, is to say, "Honey, what's on your heart and mind right now?

[00:02:40]I really want to know what you're worried about, what you're hoping for, what you're thinking about, what's preoccupying you right now. Talk to me.

[00:02:51]I'm really curious >> what couples should start doing tonight is think about all the things that your partner has done that you are grateful for and tell your partner what those are. and the little story that you observed of their doing that particular thing. Tell that story too to to your partner.

[00:03:20]Number one, telling your partner that you don't want to make love unless your partner really wants to and feels loved by you.

[00:03:36]That's number one. Number two, if your partner says no to sex, accept that with graciousness and ask your partner, "Is there some other way that we could feel close tonight? Would you like to watch a movie or just cuddle?" Something like that.

[00:03:59]That would be lovely. And a third way to help your partner feel safe, but only do this if you're a good driver, is take your partner on a nice drive and you do the driving while your partner just sits and enjoys the scenery. Three ways to rebuild friendship are, for example, one, ask your partner some open-ended questions that really open up your partner to your compassion and your understanding.

[00:04:39]For example, ask your partner, "Is there something that's really worrying you today? What is that? Tell me about it."

[00:04:48]That might be a question. Or another one might be, "Honey, what can I do to relieve your stress tonight? Is there something that you would really appreciate?"

[00:05:04]So asking questions like that is going to help your partner feel really good and help build a friendship in that you're really sharing your love with your partner. A third thing might be ask your partner, "What are you stressed about? I really want to hear all about your stresses.

[00:05:35]And then in your response, don't try to solve your partner's stress. Just listen. Ask questions to understand the worst parts of the stress for your partner. and if they have any nightmare fantasies about what might happen that are particularly stressful for them.

[00:06:00]And then share your compassion and your validation, which means saying, "No wonder you're stressed. That totally makes sense to me."

[00:06:13]Five ways to make your partner feel truly loved is giving thanks to your partner for specific things your partner has done over the last week. Surprise your partner with all that gratitude. That would be lovely. Another thing that you can do is think about the characteristics of your partner that you really love.

[00:06:42]things like they're generous or they're handsome or they're veriral or they're beautiful or they are deep with spirituality.

[00:06:55]Think of things that you really love about your partner and say, "Honey, I want to talk to you for a minute." And then give those things that you've thought of compliments.

[00:07:09]A third thing is ask your partner, "How can I make you feel more loved?"

[00:07:19]You may not know the answer to that. And what partner is not going to melt when they hear you say that? That is such a wonderful question. How can I make you feel more loved? A fourth thing might be suggesting that you go on a date and ask your partner what would be their favorite favorite thing to do on this date and then arrange it. That would really be lovely. A fifth thing would be almost the opposite. Tell your partner that you are going to have a date next Friday night and your partner doesn't know what it's going to consist of.

[00:08:07]Surprise your partner with an incredible extravaganza of activity that your partner would really really love. [snorts] That's a wonderful set of ways to help your partner feel more loved.

[00:08:25]Number one, ask your partner, "Help me understand why you feel such and such, why you feel this way. Tell me about how you formed that opinion.

[00:08:43]Did your childhood affect it? Did other relationships affect it? Where did you come up with that particular belief?

[00:08:55]Tell me about that. Help me understand it. That's number one. Number two, tell your partner maybe what you believe that is in contrast to what your partner believes.

[00:09:10]But you have to first tell your partner uh or ask your partner about their beliefs. So in other words, you're going to have a conversation to understand each other and then with that understanding, you may not need to bring it up over and over and over again. Number three, if it's something that really annoys you about your partner and you keep bringing it up over and over again, here's a real good one. Think about all the annoying things that you do that really annoy your partner. And if you really want to be brave, say, "Okay, let's have an annoying conversation.

[00:10:01]You tell me what annoys you about me, but do it very, very gently. And I'll tell you what annoys me. And then let's laugh about it, realizing that we're only human and we're not God. We're not perfect. Each of us is going to have stuff that irritates the other. And that's really okay.

[00:10:31]>> Well, I think that if you're fighting about the same stuff over and over again, you have an issue that you really can't resolve and you keep coming up with that same problem. Use our dreams within conflict questions, those six questions. And you know, and follow that format. And 87% of the time it really works to move the couple toward a place where they can compromise at least temporarily on that issue.

[00:11:02]>> Another one is flip things on their head. So, if you're fighting about something um and you want your partner to stop doing something, flip that on its head and express what you need as a positive need rather than expressing it as a resent. Let me give you an example. Let's say that your partner when they're doing the dishes never cleans the counters and it drives you crazy because you have to go back and clean the counters and then you tell your partner this is negative.

[00:11:48]Why don't you ever clean the counter?

[00:11:50]What's the matter with you? How's your partner supposed to answer that? No answer. So, flip it on its head and express it as a positive need.

[00:12:01]Honey, I would love it if you would please clean the counters when you're doing the dishes. That would really make a difference for me because it would save me a little bit of extra work and I would really appreciate that. That's called expressing a positive need. That would be really helpful.