Why Abusers Make it So Hard to Leave Them!

Added: 2026-06-02

[00:00:00]So people ask you all the time, why don't you just leave? Right? If you're so unhappy here, why don't you just leave? If the relationship is so bad, why do you continue to stay in it? You hear that all the time, right? When you're dealing with a narcissistic person, toxic person, abusive person, a lot of people will just hit you over and over again with the same thing. If you're unhappy, leave. Just leave.

[00:00:20]Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Like you don't want to leave. Like you haven't thought about leaving. Like that isn't the obvious answer. What they lack, the understanding that they lack is that leaving an abusive relationship or narcissistic relationship isn't the same as leaving a normal relationship, right?

[00:00:38]There are going to be so it's so many different things. It's like it it literally is like leaving a cult, trying to leave a cult, trying to leave an a a religious cult that you've been part of for years. You're born into it, right?

[00:00:52]You're born into it. This is all you know. And now you're trying to leave and people just say just leave. you why would you think differently? Come on now. Like today I'm talking about why people might be afraid to leave. Why leaving isn't as simple as so many people make it out to be. And of course, if you're new here, I'm Lee Ham. I'm a diagnosed narcissist. And I'm here to give you the inside look at the mind of a narcissist. How a narcissist mind works. How an abusive person minds works in these situations right here. What tactics that they use, how they get you, how they do all this other stuff, y'all.

[00:01:25]Right. And I've been at it for years.

[00:01:26]I've been at it for years. Right. So, the first thing we're going to talk about, right, is what we call like an addiction. Like, not what we call an addiction. What am I talking about?

[00:01:36]What's going on in my mind right now?

[00:01:37]What we call an addiction. No, it's like being addicted. What makes it so hard to leave? Why you afraid to leave? What's so difficult about leaving is sometimes it can literally feel like an addiction, right? Because think about like this.

[00:01:50]Toxic, narcissistic people, abusive people are not evil. all the time.

[00:01:56]They're not mean 100% of the time.

[00:01:59]That's just not true. You're going to hear a lot about that, right? You're going to hear people say they're mean 100% of the time. They're evil bastards.

[00:02:06]And I get that, right? I do understand it. But that's not how it always works.

[00:02:09]That's not how it's always going to go, right? They're not mean all the time.

[00:02:14]So, the little bit of times that they are me that they are nice, it means so much more. When they're nice a few times, it means so much more. If they're horrible to you 90% of the time, that 10% is going to feel like way more than 10%. Right? If you're dying of thirst, if you're dying of thirst, a little bit of water is better than no water, right?

[00:02:39]Uh uh an ounce of water is better than no water, right? It's going to feel like that that ounce is going to feel like a g the ounce is going to feel like a gallon. They're giving you just enough to stay. They're showing you that they can treat you better, right? That's called breadcrumbming. That's called intermittent reinforcement. And so many people deal with it in toxic relationship dynamics.

[00:03:04]Have you dealt with it? Have you dealt with it? Right? Think about like this right here. It's like it's kind of like a slot machine, right? If the slot machine never paid out, no one would gamble again, right? No one would gamble again. If they were bad a 100% of the time, it'd be easier to leave because there's nothing to hold on to. Just like a gambler gets addicted to that one that slight chance of winning, the victim of an abusive in an abusive relationship gets addicted to the slight chance of things being better. It gets addicted to the slight chance of things changing and things warping and things of that nature right there. They get addicted to that type of stuff right there. Right? And you think that if you leave, if you leave this person, they're going to treat the next person better. You don't want to waste your time, right? So many people get stuck in these situations where you feel like you don't want to waste your time. You don't want to slot machine. You don't want to pull on that slot machine 25 times and then soon as you get up, somebody else wins. That f that first pull wins them something, right? That's why so many people get stuck in it's like it really is like a gambler's add- addiction. You get addicted to this person. You get addicted. And guess what? That narcissistic person knows it. They know it. That abusive person knows it. That's why when you do threaten to leave them, that's why sometimes they'll turn on the niceness. When you threatening to leave, when you're on the way out the door, now they're nice. Now they want to communicate with you. Now they're being uh Now they're communicating. Now they're having good conversations. Now out of all the times you had this talk now, huh? Huh? You see how it goes right there? That's literally how it goes. Now they can turn it on. That's why you know that they're doing it. That's why you know that they know that they're being evil to you. That's why you know that they're being hard on you because they know it. I mean, not evil. Yeah, they they do know that they're being hard on you because they turn on the niceness when you are pulling away. It's like it's like these damn abusive people have damn near a sixth sense, a sixth sense for when you're finally trying to get away from it. When you're when you're finally done, when you finally want to escape, they have that sixth sense to suck you back into the relationship dynamic, to pull you back into it. They feel it and they pull you back in. You on the way out the door? Hey, hey, don't leave me. I promise I'll go to therapy.

[00:05:31]I'll go talk to the lady. I go talk to somebody. Let's go to marriage counseling. I know you've been asking for the last 11 years to go to marriage counseling, but damn it, I want to do it now. Why? Why 11 years later? Because sometimes when they sense that you're done, they make it harder to leave.

[00:05:51]Because what if in your mind? They give you just a little bit of hope, right?

[00:05:54]They give you a little bit of hope. You know what I mean? They give you a little bit of hope that hey, maybe this time is the time that they actually will change.

[00:06:03]Maybe this time is the time that they actually will be better and things like that. And so many people are getting caught up in that as well, right? Sorry, I had to make sure it was the sound was gone. I was like, wait a minute, this thing ain't recording, is it? I had to do I want to do it all over again.

[00:06:20]That false hope is a monster, isn't it?

[00:06:24]That false hope that they're giving you, that false hope that they're hoping you stick, they're hope hoping that you stick to is monstrous and they love it.

[00:06:31]They love give you a little bit of hope to stay, but they they never they very very rarely follow through what they say they're going to do. And again, they keep you stuck because you give them more time, right? You don't want to waste your time. You don't want to fall into the sunk cost fallacy and whatnot and feel like you waste you spent enough time so much time with them, you might as well give them an extra week, right?

[00:06:53]You might as well give them an extra month. What's an you've been here 11 years. Might as well what's what's one more year? One more year is an eternity when you're in toxicity. Y'all, right?

[00:07:02]One more year is an eternity when you're dealing with somebody who thinks like this, who behaves like this. And another reason why people are afraid to leave toxic relationship dynamics is because you don't know what the person will do, right? You don't know what they'll do.

[00:07:17]You're not just afraid of them hurting you or harming you because that's like that's why I haven't even brought that up because that's a rational fear, right? Sometimes when you getting ready to leave a relationship like this, you think the person going to harm you? You they they are an active threat, are they not? They are actively a threat to you.

[00:07:34]So why wouldn't you think they're going to harm you? You know what I mean? So you think that you think physical harm is in play, but not also just physical harm, reputational harm. You don't know they're going to lie to you. you. They can try to get you fired from your job.

[00:07:47]They can try to smear campaign you to everybody who will listen your friends and family. They will try to turn them against you. There's so many reasons why people stay in these toxic relationship dynamics. And it's not just fear of physical abuse. It's fear of reputational abuse as well. Like the smear campaign is real. You're not just afraid of losing them because like that's rational. You're afraid of losing somebody that you cared about that you love. Okay, cool. You're afraid of losing your reputation, your friends, your family, your finances, your money, right? Cuz they they will threaten to do this type of stuff right here.

[00:08:19]Controlling people have already started the smear campaign even before you pack your bags, even before you leave. Like an abuse, an abusive person has already started spreading rumors about you, right? A narcissist has already start lying about you to their friends and family. We'll leave. Why the hell would they be lying to our friends and family?

[00:08:35]But they don't leave because that creates the illusion that they are trying to work things out that they are being the bigger person and trying to stick by you or that it creates the illusion that they are the victims here. They themselves are the real victims here. Not you.

[00:08:54]Not you. They are the real victims here.

[00:08:57]Not you. Not I. Said the cat. Yeah. But seriously, that how it goes right there.

[00:09:02]They think that they are the real victims here and they will keep doing this type of stuff over and over and over again because it benefits them in some way, shape or form. It just does.

[00:09:12]And they'll this is what they'll do.

[00:09:14]They will keep lying to people to ruin your reputation. And you don't know is you don't know what they said, right?

[00:09:19]You don't even know what they said.

[00:09:21]They've been telling people that you're crazy or difficult or that you are abusive, that you're the liar, that you are the cheater, that you are the person that's being horrible. You are the abuser here.

[00:09:35]They've been telling people these lies for a very, very long time. They've been telling people that you put their you put your hands on them. Even though you might have a video of them putting their hands on you, they've been lying to everybody. Anybody who will listen, right? Anybody who will listen. But this is my advice to you right here, y'all.

[00:09:51]This is my advice to you right here.

[00:09:54]The smear campaign can become like a life filter for you, right? Because think about it like this. If they are willfully believing this abuser without giving you the benefit of the doubt or talking to you or anything like that, if they are just if they believe the abuser without questioning anything or without hearing your side, those people are filtered out of your life anyway. Even though you might care about this person, even though you might love these people, those people are going to get filtered out anyway because they are not on your side. Could they come back around later when they realize certain things have happened or certain things were a lie?

[00:10:32]Yeah, they could, right? But that's later on down the road because that fear of being by yourself is is is real is real. Let's keep it hot. A narciss and it's that that abusive narcissistic person will tell you nobody's going to believe you. Everybody's going to be on my side. You're going to be by yourself.

[00:10:47]And that fear of being alone, that fear of nobody believing you or listening to you is real. That'll keep a lot of people right where they are. That fear will keep a lot of people exactly where they are. Keep them stuck. And that's cool. I mean, that's understandable, y'all. It's fighting that fear, right?

[00:11:03]That fear that you are feeling is just a is just a withdrawal, right, from the trauma bond, from being stuck, from feeling like you can't live without this person is not a sign that you should stay with them. Hell no. It's not a sign that you should stay. It's a sign that your your system is being cleared out, that this narcissistic poison is leaving your body. The anxiety is going to leave. You're going to feel freer sooner or later. But right now, they're going to attack that freedom feeling, right?

[00:11:31]They're going to attack that feeling.

[00:11:32]They're going to make you feel like an evil bastard. They're going to try to make you feel like you broke the family up. They're going to lie. They're going to threaten you. They're going to just say all kinds of things to keep you right where you are to because at the end of the day, it does benefit them.

[00:11:46]Let's keep it hot and let's keep it ready like a Little Caesar's pizza.

[00:11:53]Side note, somebody commented the other day, "Lewise hasn't Little Caesar sponsor you yet." I don't know. I need Yeah, I need a manager. I need a I need a social media manager. I haven't had one for six years. I'm ready. If you you're looking to be a If you have experience being a social media manager, email me. Hit me up in nfo info@ mentalhillness.net. Let me know what's I need some brand deals or something like that. We can we can we can do something together, right? We can do it together.

[00:12:22]In conclusion, right, leaving a toxic relationship, a domestic violence relationship, narcissistically abusive relationship is probably the hardest thing that you'll ever do. One of the hardest things that you'll ever do. And a lot of times it's not just you. You have to think about what about the kids, right? You don't know what they're going to do to the kids, the pets, the animals, the ferret, the money, the friends, the family, the jobs or whatever, right? The business, the your life. They can threaten you. don't know if they're going to bring physical harm to your life as well, right?

[00:12:55]That's scary. You know, you don't know that or you don't know. Not knowing is it's okay. That fear of not knowing is what can what can keep you stuck as well. That fear of the unknown is what keeps a lot of people stuck. Nobody would ever climb the mountain if they just would would be scared to go above the fog, right? Don't let that narcissistic person, that controlling person, that abusive person, don't let that person write the final chapter of your life.

[00:13:22]You are in charge. This is your life.

[00:13:24]You have to live it the way you can, the best way you can, you know, possible, right? You have to live that way, your life, the best way possible. Get some help. Get a support system.