How to never lose yourself in a relationship

Added: 2026-05-14

[00:00:00]I want to talk about companionship and what companionship truly truly means because uh a lot of people when I ask them like why do you want to be married they say I want a companion and in their mind they have an image of what they think companionship is and for a lot of people and I'm exaggerating here a bit but they think once I have a companion I'm going to enjoy it and have so much fun and then I'm never going to have a negative thought about myself ever again and then everything's going to just feel like light and better and just relief from the pressure that I'm feeling towards myself, towards whatever. And um I want to set a little bit more realistic expectations of how that looks so that you kind of understand it uh from a place of like norm like making it more normal instead of putting it on a pedestal. Because when you um people who don't struggle with marriage, they don't think it's this impossible like fantasy that feels hard to reach. Uh they they're very normal about it. They understand that like it's not going to save them, but it's just more of like a it's just another relationship.

[00:01:12]And so I want to talk about in a way where it helps you feel a lot more um normal about it where you understand what companionship is um and I might burst your bubble a little bit for your sake so that I because I want you to be married in a place where it's more healthy and not from a place of like super high expectations and then you get disappointed.

[00:01:35]Um, I get asked a lot sometimes I forget to wear my ring and uh my videos and so I get a lot of questions like am I even married and because I don't post my husband on my uh Instagram or any of that and I had to think about that. I'm like why I I forget to like put my ring on and do that because not because like mostly because he's he's it's not he's not part of my identity. He's just a different person. He's just a it's it's I don't identify as someone as like I am a married woman and this is who I am.

[00:02:07]This is like that's not who I am. Your status is not who you are. It's just a thing, right? It's just like I don't show up and identify, yeah, I'm someone who graduated. That's that's not my identity. It's just a thing that has happened. It's a very normal thing. I am someone who has sisters. You don't mention that. right now obviously as a society it's important to like oh yeah you know she's married whatever I'm not talking about that I'm talking about like who you see how you see yourself is very important because if you determine that like the social status means you're more worthy uh then you're going to be attached to like how it looks and the how the companionship is going to look and how the whole marriage thing is going to look and it's going to kind of uh leave you very disappointed and so what I what I want to kind really focus on is how to see companionship from a healthy perspective so that you approach it from a very um grounded way. And I was just I was just on a coaching call with my girls with my the woman in my group and I was telling them um the problem they were h one one girl was having was um that like she notices she always prioritizes the man and like always puts him in the center where it makes her lose herself as she's talking to someone and it's a problem because like when you lose yourself you don't really have clarity on how to make decisions and to see if this person is yours or not.

[00:03:38]So, we talked about how to desenter them and how to prioritize yourself and how to see how to see a companion. If you want a companion, how does that look?

[00:03:48]And I gave her the example of having a cat. And everyone bear with me cuz this I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but this is really like how it's supposed to look. Um, when you get a cat for the reasons of companionship, the role of the cat is you it's kind of the object of love, right? You you you're only getting a cat so you can enjoy the cat. You don't expect the cat to take care of you. You don't expect the cat to like, you know, do all these gestures for you and do all this and prioritize you because it's just a cat.

[00:04:23]So your expectations of um what you'll get out of this relationship is my role is just to take care of the cat because what's in it for me is I get to enjoy the cat, right? So we don't romanticize cat relationships. We're we're just like it's just a cat. You just get a cat and you enjoy it, right?

[00:04:45]Same thing. Now I know, bear with me because I know people have like thoughts about this, but same thing with marriage. A healthy dynamic is when you see your spouse as an object of love that you get to have them and love them and you have low expectations of how they should or how they should treat you and all that because when you're coming at it from a place of like I'm just here to enjoy the cat. Um naturally the cat doesn't feel pressure to like act a certain way which is doesn't have the capacity to right. Cats don't have the capacity to prioritize you. So, you're not disappointed when the cat doesn't act right. You're just like, "It's just a cat." Right? So with human relationships, you want to see it as if it's if it's if your reason is truly genuinely for companionship and you're telling yourself it's for companionship, then the then it would see it as like this is just a human for me to enjoy and be with and have fun with and to build a life with.

[00:05:52]And if you have expectations of like the this human should prioritize me and put me like first and always care about me and talk to me like this and do this like that and this like that then you kind of lost the plot and you start putting your whole shift in focus on how they should act versus just taking care of yourself and when you do that you will lose yourself which is what a lot of people are worried about right like their first one of their main fears is like what if I lose myself and I enter if I enter a relationship well That's because you've your expectations of what a relationship is is completely off thanks to social media, right? Social media made made us this like, you know, Becky with her boyfriend, it was always like, you know, oh, he brings me this, he does this for me, this. I'm not saying that's not going to happen. But naturally when a woman or you know when you prioritize yourself and you think when you think straight and you're acting right and you're not like uh hoping that they would treat you a certain way naturally uh the other person treats you right and then the other person wants to be around you more.

[00:06:59]And so, um, when you have the expectation of like this, the the only reason I'm getting married is so I can have someone I can love, who I can have someone where I can enjoy their company.

[00:07:13]And yes, we have agreements, right? We have agreements like you know when we get married I I I we agree that you would be the provider and I would do this or you know I do this or you do this and you have some sort of agreement but we don't hold it to each other's throats like we're like if you don't do this that means you don't love me that's it's a bit much it's a it's a bit it's a high um it's just a recipe for failure when you're just like if you don't do this then that means you don't love me you don't care about me I'm not worthy and your whole worthiness is tied into the identity of of uh how they treat you, that's a lot of power to put in someone else's hands.

[00:07:50]However, if we came at it from a place of like, I'm an incredible uh human who is very flawed and I want to uh have someone who I can, you know, have fun with and build a life with and grow with and it just their company. Do I just enjoy their company? Right? So when you talk to someone and that's your intention, right? You don't have these high expectations of what they should do for you, then everything just feels much lighter.

[00:08:21]Everything feels easier to enjoy. Your connection becomes easier because um you're you haven't put the power of your self-worth in their hands because if you do that, then you're going to be hyperfocused on how they treat you. when the goal is to to take back that power and especially for a woman because we've trained we've been socialized to believe that our self-worth is held in other people's hands. That's why we're we're such people pleasers, right? Um especially we have to we're we're taught to like obey the husband and do this and do that and just like as if he is the new God, you know, it's so we lose ourselves cuz that was never that was never the goal. That was never the goal.

[00:09:04]And and just a side note for everyone listening um this is a very Christian concept like there is a um I can't remember what er what um period of time but there was a period of time where women depending on if they're married or not they would dress a social a certain way to so to show their social status.

[00:09:25]So they would they would used to wear headscarfs back then which would show that they're married and this determines like this shows other people like look I'm I'm married and this is a social status which is messed up right cuz our social or our worthiness uh because they prioritize like I want other people to see that I'm worthy cuz I got married and I'm chosen. This idea of being chosen by a man is not from Islam. Okay, we are chosen by Allah and that's it. Our worthiness is from Allah 100%. anything other than that is shonic and we've been colonized to believe all this other crap. So, um the the point here is like this whole like I need a man to choose me and prioritize me so I can feel better about myself. Uh that needs to be reset and cleaned up.

[00:10:13]Which just a big side note, I'm going to be talking a lot and teach a lot about that in the inner shift course coming up on May 23rd. Please do sign up. I'm like literally begging you like this will help you. All right? And I don't do this very often. The last one I did was 2 years ago. So it'll be it'll be helpful.

[00:10:28]Um and and so like just understanding that socialization and how to rewire that, reframe that so that no actually I am my soul is the priority. What works for my soul?

[00:10:41]What it what helps me get closer to Allah? How what actions do I want to take to get me closer to Allah? Um, and if I want to do something for someone, I do it for uh because I want to do it for them, not because I'm forced to do it because I want them to like me. Do you see the difference? There's a difference.

[00:11:02]So, that's important.

[00:11:04]Um, yeah. So, anyway, back to the point.

[00:11:08]What was my point? My point is uh the the the actual like role of a companion is we want to take off the weight of what the other person is supposed to be like and the greatest example I can give is um for example I love my sister right my sisters both of them I love them um one of my sisters when I hang out with her it's just it's just so fun it's just like I have no expectations of her she has no expectations of me just chilling we're just vibing. We don't we have nothing in common. We literally have nothing in common other than going to like going to Sephora and and just stealing all the samples, you know, and we just like make fun of each other and that that's it. We just vibe.

[00:11:55]That's it. And the the the I just feel so much companionship like with her because she's just there, right? She's just my cat. She's my Shayla. She's like I just love her. [snorts] I don't expect her to like do things for me, right? I don't expect me to do she doesn't expect me to do things for her. There's just like no expectations. We're chilling.

[00:12:14]We're vibing. And it's it's a it's a good time.

[00:12:19]Now, that's how I feel in my marriage as well. We both don't like hold each other's like to their throats like this is what I you need to do and this is what I need to do and you're doing it wrong. like ooh like I guess so much pressure and yes there were there was a phase in especially in the beginning of my marriage where I felt like my god there's so much expectations that I grew up with that I thought this is how the marriage should be and all that created was misery for me and so I had to let all let go of all these expectations so that um I can actually enjoy what it's like to be with a human that I enjoy being with.

[00:12:54]And so now I'm allowed to do whatever I want. He's allowed to do whatever he wants. We have certain agreements of how things should be. We're on the same page and we move forward, right? We flow.

[00:13:04]It's a flow. And as soon as, you know, if we do have get into an argument or whatever, it's because I have an expectation of how things should be. And so what I do is I have to clean that up and face the reality, accept and move on. Same thing with him. When he's, you know, has an ar, you know, doesn't like something in me cuz he has an expectation of how I should be and, you know, we face it. we clean it up and move on and our intimacy builds and we grow. [snorts] That's what companionship should be like. The healthy version of it, right? It's very light. It's very um it's it's just it's just like I just enjoy just like being in a relationship where I I'm not expected to do much other than just be myself and he's not expected to do much other than him being himself and we both can just relax. Just like going back to the cat analogy, it's like having a cat.

[00:13:57]Their only job is for you to love them and for them to be cute. Just for them to just be there. They don't even have to be cute. They They can get really annoying sometimes, but I signed up for this because I want a cat as a companion.

[00:14:14]So, if this bursts your bubble of like, wait, I thought he should, you know, be prince charming and and uh do all these things for me and and you know, do this this this this and that. That is where we need to clean up. We are we're all grown as adults that we need to grow up.

[00:14:28]We need to actually see what is it really like to be in a healthy marriage so that um we can enjoy it. Because I'm going to tell you right now, I people come to me with all these expectations of what a marriage should be and how the dating phase should be and how like to actually enter into a relationship and they have all these expectations of how they're supposed to be treated and how it's supposed to go and how um there's so much emotions and drama that goes into it when the truth is it's just a business transaction and the transaction is I get to have a cat that I can live with and um except the cat is a human being and there's things that come. It's an actual relationship where um we work it through together, right?

[00:15:16]So, [snorts] why am I talking about all this? I want you to not have your this bubble of like this is how it's going to be and then you get into the marriage and you're just devastated. So many people come to me with that and I'm saying this from personal experience. I also had this like big bubble in my head and I wish someone shared their experience with me.

[00:15:41]Um where it's like wait I thought this person was supposed to be like caring about me and thinking about me all the time and I thought I was going to be their priority when the truth is uh when you marry someone they're not the main character in your life. You are the main character and they're a side character just like your siblings just like all this. The main character actually is Allah right?

[00:16:05]death's character main the the center is Allah and all these there's just people around you for human reasons for whatever but the expectations of that they should like you know fix your life and be your savior even if you logically know that's not true there's a part of you that does and I want you to kind of take a look at that and I'm saying this with a lot of love we got to grow up all of us and because as an um we are suffer uffering and a lot of divorces happen because of all these crazy crazy expectations that build up resentment over time. And so when you do your part to clean up the expectations and communicate clearly and to um uh and and let me do a a side note for a minute. It's okay to have expectations.

[00:16:55]It's not okay to tie it to your worth, right? So, I expect him to do XYZ and if he doesn't, you know, I'll express my disappointment, but that doesn't take away from me being like doesn't mean he doesn't care about me and he and I'm not loved and I'm not worthy because he doesn't spend this much on me and um he doesn't do this for me or this or that, right? That is all tying we're attached to to them doing a certain doing certain things for me and it becomes messy. This is This applies to men, by the way, to my to my to the men of our um may Allah heal all of us. So, hope this helps. Um if if you're kind of confused and you're like, "What the heck are you even talking about?" Book a session with me.

[00:17:40]I'll explain it to you in your c in a very in your very specific circumstance.

[00:17:43]Inshallah.