The Fear of Being Seen and the Strange Way Out

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]You go into a meeting, you're oh, there's the person who hadn't said anything and somehow or another they're like right there at the table, but nobody can even remember they were in the meeting. It's like this amazing magic trick almost, right? There is a fear that is if I get seen, I'm going to be seen as inherently bad. All of the fear of being seen is a belief that there's something inherently wrong with you. If they see me, they will find out that I am broken, right? And so one of the ways to work on it is to actually open your heart to yourself and say, "What is it that I need?" Because that flies exactly in the face of me worried about what you think.

[00:00:40]We've been getting a lot of questions from people about the fear of being seen. Why they want it so much, but they're also so scared of it. And right when they're about to be seen, about to be known, they they turn away and run from it. So, let's do an episode where we dive into that and then talk about what people can do about it.

[00:00:57]>> Great. Perfect. Yeah.

[00:00:59]>> Awesome. So, let's just start with like what is this? There's there's a lot of different ways that this can show up for folks.

[00:01:04]>> Yeah. So, the fear of being seen, it can be split into two categories. There's the category that people who are just like acute in this feel, which is, oh, I am scared. I have social anxiety. I can figure out how to be completely like invisible. You go into a meeting, you're oh, there's the person who hadn't said anything and somehow or another they're like right there at the table, but nobody can even remember they were in the meeting. It's like this amazing this magic trick almost, right? For those folks, it's very much about like, oh, this isn't safe and so my job is to avoid. And so there's often times there's a strong avoidance pattern. And often times what happened was somebody in their childhood taught them that like to be seen was going to be not good. One of my clients who had this a lot, he doesn't have it anymore luckily, but had had this a lot.

[00:02:04]He lived in a Eastern European country and it was before the wall came down and his parents were like tall poppy no good.

[00:02:14]Particularly his mom, his dad had gone.

[00:02:16]So his mom and so his mom was constantly don't be seen, don't be seen, don't play the music, don't be too macho, you're going to get cut down, you're going to be taken out. And so he was at once dominated by somebody who was some somebody's fear and he was told like do not be big. And so >> and that might have been true in that culture.

[00:02:37]>> Absolutely. Absolutely. And so he like I remember he disappeared from the first time he did Ground Breakers. Just just was wasn't even in the room. Um and so that's >> not physically he was physically in the room.

[00:02:50]>> He was physically in the room but nobody could remember him. No like he it was literally as if he was doing a magician's trick of of being unseen while being seen. It was amazing to watch him. And we've now seen that pattern lots of times. The other form of not being seen is something that we all have. I don't think anybody has ever showed up at a rapid fire coaching and been completely not nervous, right? And so the there's a core way in which we all are scared of being seen and that's some shame, some way that we're scared that we're actually not good. We're not inherently good, that we're inherently broken in some way. And so to be fully seen in that is is a whole another thing that just kind of hits all people on some level.

[00:03:40]And so both of them are are ways of it that happen. One is this very acute thing and one is something that happens for everybody.

[00:03:47]>> How does this often play out to the point in someone's life where they start to experience that this is holding them back and what what typically happens at that inflection point?

[00:03:57]>> Yeah. Yeah. It's an interesting thing. I think on some level depending on how hardcore it is, right?

[00:04:04]So if somebody's got deep social anxiety, they immediately know this is holding me back. There's this fear in that somehow or another they want to be liked. Like there's this desire, oh, I want to be liked and there is a fear that is if I get seen I'm going to be seen as inherently bad.

[00:04:22]>> So there's there's two different and so they have kind of two choices at that point. I'm going to just seclude myself in which they become more and more and more lonely or I'm going to go out into the world and interact in the world and maybe I get more lonely depending on how real I am or I just stay really quiet in a crowd and then I feel even more lonely cuz people don't see me and so the loneliness builds and this idea that something is wrong with me builds over time and they're not even able to see how people actually see them. Right? So, I've seen people who have like either the social anxiety or scared to say the thing in the meeting and everybody thinks they're really really smart and they really want the feedback, but they can't actually see it.

[00:05:12]>> Yeah.

[00:05:13]>> And so, career-wise, this totally stifles people. It's going to limit you in like any kind of executive or leadership role. And so, they start to see that. They start to recognize that that's what's going on. Um and then for most of us like for the for the folks who are scared of being seen in the existential way which is you know most everybody what they start doing what what starts happening is they just feel unsatisfied like the this sense of connection in their life they know it can be stronger and it's just never particularly there >> and it doesn't really go there until they start really seeing themselves. To some degree, all of the fear of being seen is a belief that there's something inherently wrong with you and if and you or somebody else is going to find it out.

[00:06:05]>> How does this show up in say romantic relationships and in family? We've talked a lot about going out into the world >> and you know in work meetings, but what about what about in love relationships?

[00:06:16]>> Devastating.

[00:06:18]like it's it's super devastating because basically what it means is I'm not going to tell you what I need and what I want and who I am.

[00:06:26]And so if it there and what's interesting is some people they can be in this very safe environment and they can share that and and then some some people can't even share it in that environment. Some people can go out into work and be like this is what I think blah blah blah blah but when they come home they can't share what's really there. They can't share whether it's like that kinky sexual thing that they want or they can't share the fact that they really want to be rich or they can't share the fact that they really think your mom sucks and I don't want to be with her. They can't share all the like little things that happen in life and so they start walking on eggshells and start being different people. And so it just starts to erode any relationship because eventually you're going to get resentful over the fact that the person across from you isn't actually considering you or understanding you because we can't read each other's minds.

[00:07:19]>> Right. Right. So they can't possibly consider you if you're not showing yourself. So then you start to collect evidence over time that you're not being considered >> and that you're bad.

[00:07:27]>> Yeah. That's the golden algorithm which we go into you know obviously in other podcasts and stuff which is oh the more that I am scared to be seen the more evidence that I can collect that shows that oh if somebody sees me there's going to be a problem.

[00:07:43]>> Yeah >> right because I show up incredibly scared. People are not people are not as receptive to fear as as confidence. you know that that I'm hesitant in the way that I talk about something. I'm viewing other people's responses that might just be curious and full of wonder as they don't believe me. They're they're challenging me and see I I said something that was bad. And so that's so it's one of those things that it does accumulate on itself because the emotion that we are scared to have we are avoiding the exact way that we are actually inviting it in. So I'm scared to be seen and therefore like when people see me they see this scared thing and I don't get the love that I want. See I've proven that I'm no good.

[00:08:34]>> Yeah. So, we've talked about this belief, the the belief that I'm I'm unworthy, I'm bad, I'm wrong, I'm unlovable.

[00:08:42]>> Yeah.

[00:08:42]>> So, how does this show up on the different levels like the head, the heart, the gut? Like, cuz a lot of times when somebody freezes, they intellectually know I'm not bad. I have something valuable to share right now.

[00:08:52]What is making my entire body seize up?

[00:08:54]Why is my throat clenching? Why? That's a great question.

[00:08:57]>> Why am I sweating? Why did that entire meeting happen without me even recognizing what was occurring? Yeah, it's an interesting one because that's exactly what you see when you're >> when rapid coaching is happening. People are like and they know Yeah. but their head knows on some level that they they've raised their hand. They want this thing and then when the spotlight's on them, they're like >> each one of these things, whether it's the head or the the human side, the emotional side or the mamleian side or the nervous system side, each one of these things can be on or off. But if they're on the head is basically saying, "These people don't like me. They they if they see me, they're going to think that I'm bad. I'm bad." That's what the head is doing. And it's constantly self-correcting.

[00:09:42]You said that wrong. You should have said it this way. Why didn't you say it that way?

[00:09:46]>> Like all that stuff.

[00:09:47]>> I can solve this by intellectually figuring out the way to be to get my needs met and love it. Yeah.

[00:09:53]>> As if like people need you to be perfect to to like you, you know? And so that's what the the head is doing. If the head isn't doing that and it's just happening in the in the emotional center and the nervous system, then the head is like, why am I why don't just just speak? Why aren't you just speaking? You know, which is which is the criticism of of the parent or the teacher or whatever saying just do the thing. So it's like you've actually turned the eye of Siren on yourself, >> right?

[00:10:22]>> Like what? Like and so you're under attack.

[00:10:25]>> Yeah.

[00:10:25]>> Right. And so, and the more you're under attack, why aren't you doing this thing?

[00:10:29]Why why isn't this going right? The more the the rest of your system starts freezing up >> and it ultimately can become a panic attack, a full-blown literal panic attack.

[00:10:38]>> Well, right. So, it's amazing when you think about it. It's like to some degree there's that external eye of Siren like, okay, the the world is now paying attention to me. Somebody's going to criticize me. And the truth is like there's no time you're going to be in public where somebody's not having a judgmental thought about you. Whether you're confident or non-confident, whether you're scared or not scared, whether you have social anxiety or don't have social anxiety, we're all facing that same reality.

[00:11:08]And and then there's the internal siren. And when that clicks on then that can really rev up the emotional or the nervous system side of it. So the emotional side of it is typically fear, some version of fear and shame combined.

[00:11:26]And so there's fear of the being seen, but there's also the shame of like if they see me, they will find out that I am broken, right? And so the I'm broken and the fear together is pretty much what's going on in those moments. Then the nervous system side is just like fight, flight, or freeze. That's what's happening. Often times folks when they when they are being seen in a meeting or something like that, they'll just >> they'll just freeze, right?

[00:11:56]>> Or some of them will please, oh, I'm going to I'm going to I'll say the thing that makes everybody happy and then and then they're like, okay, great.

[00:12:03]>> Yeah, just blend in.

[00:12:05]>> Blend in. And so it's one of those two things is going to happen on the nervous system level. And so >> and it's going to be very activated.

[00:12:12]They're going to feel hot. they're going to feel, you know, like a lot of charge in the system from the from the nervous system.

[00:12:19]>> Yeah. Okay. So, you you've got you've got all these layers of a stack here.

[00:12:22]You've got the the thoughts, the emotions, the the nervous system, and sometimes they're just >> fighting each other like intellectually somebody knows I have something valuable to share here. I showed up to this coaching session because I want to see through my patterns.

[00:12:35]>> Yes.

[00:12:35]>> And the nervous systems locked up, right?

[00:12:38]>> Maybe even vice versa sometimes. So, I I'd love to talk about now where where can somebody start working on this first? What's of all these different ways that this shows up? What's a what's a good entry point for somebody to start investigating to change the pattern?

[00:12:54]>> Yeah. So, like I I'll tell you a story.

[00:12:56]I had dinner the other night with this husband and wife team. They're like really super powerful, doing great stuff in the world. And the wife, every time she saw that I saw her, she would, you know, now she is like amazing on all fronts. She's a beautiful person. She's a beautiful woman, physically beautiful. She's done crazy cool stuff in the world, achieved stuff that most people would dream about achieving.

[00:13:29]And as a mom and loving and sweet, like just like wow, right? And every time I saw her, she would look up, look down, like and it's one point in the meeting, her husband got up, went to the bathroom, and I started talking to her about and she was basically saying some some version of like, "My kids, I'm worried about my kids not getting their needs met. I'm not worried about me >> not getting my needs met." I'm like, "Oh." And she's like, "Yeah, basically my needs are met." And I just went through like really emotional being needs being met. No seen. And she just like shut down.

[00:14:07]>> Her husband came back and he's like, "Well, did you open up more? Like what did you say now that I was gone?" She goes, "No, no, no. I just shut down even more."

[00:14:15]>> And then they laughed about it. She said it. And then, yeah, it was great. It was self-aware, too. Right. Amazing woman.

[00:14:21]And then and then and then they both laugh together. But that's like the quintessential thing of like, okay, well, what is it that makes her like this amazing person, but not being able to admit her own needs is very much exactly the same thing as being seen and what made her scared, which is this shame of like, oh, it's not okay for me to have needs or the needs that I have aren't okay or who I am generally isn't okay. And so I'm going to just evacuate all of my own things that I need that I that I want because they must be bad.

[00:15:07]>> And so those two things are part and parcel of the of the pattern. And so if you're if you're working on the pattern, there's lots and lots of ways to work on it. Um, but one of the ways to work on it is to actually open your heart to yourself and say, "What is it that I need?"

[00:15:27]Because that flies exactly in the face of somebody me worried about what you think >> you worried about what you're you're right because I'm now worried. I'm all about you. I'm worried about you.

[00:15:40]>> Which is another way of trying to take care of your needs. So if if my needs in if my needs directly aren't safe, aren't welcome, aren't >> good, then if I take care of yours, then by proxy my needs might get taken care of, >> right? Except for it never works, >> right?

[00:15:57]>> Or eventually it doesn't work. Which is why >> just going, oh, what do I need? Can totally start changing this pattern at a core level. So that's one of the ways that you can really work on how do you you know how do you change that core un how do you change that basic fear of being seen?

[00:16:16]>> Yeah.

[00:16:17]>> So that's one. The other one is to actually deeply see yourself, right? Like what's actually true, >> right? How how does how does somebody do that?

[00:16:25]>> Well, the dilemma is that most of us have like soul dysmorphia, right? like like we see ourselves differently just the way that an anorexic person looks in the mirror and sees themselves as fat.

[00:16:35]Most of us sees our see ourselves like not very clearly. And so if you want to have a clean lens of seeing yourself, connection course view is like one of the best ways because if you're vulnerable with yourself, if you're impartial with yourself, if you have empathy with yourself, if you have wonder about yourself, that's where you start to see yourself more clearly. And that ties together with the recognizing your own needs because you're not going to be seeing yourself if you're just seeing everyone around you, reading their minds, trying to fix them, trying to get everything okay for them in order to be safe.

[00:17:08]>> Yeah. Exactly. And so the weird part is like the vulnerable with yourself.

[00:17:12]That's the like that's the tricky part here because what most people think are is going to be vulnerable is like okay vulnerably I and I had a client that did exactly this. I was like they had this fear of being seen. I'm like like let's be vulnerable with yourself. He's like, "The vulnerable thing is that everybody doesn't like me." You know what I mean?

[00:17:33]And I'm like, >> that's still about everybody else. It's still the dysmorphia. It's the same pattern.

[00:17:37]>> And it's also you're not being vulnerable because you've told yourself that story a hundred times.

[00:17:43]>> So, what's the actual story that actually makes you like go uh like what is that? And like can you see someplace where somebody actually really liked you and you couldn't acknowledge it or let it in >> that and he immediately he felt how much more vulnerable that was than to say people don't like me that wasn't vulnerable at all >> and so so the only thing I'd say the impartiality the empathy and the wonder that all clicks with this pattern the vulnerability with yourself in this particular pattern doesn't mean I'm admitting that I'm bad.

[00:18:21]>> Yeah.

[00:18:22]>> It means I'm admitting a truth about myself that I don't want to see.

[00:18:27]>> Right. And so that's that's like part of like switching that around.

[00:18:32]>> Yeah. So I mean that example brings up a really interesting nuance which is that if you if you say, "Okay, I want to be vulnerable with myself. I'm going to look at myself and see myself clearly."

[00:18:40]The first thing that's likely to happen is you're going to see yourself exactly the way you've been seeing yourself already.

[00:18:44]>> Correct? and you're gonna hide from yourself exactly the things you've been hiding from yourself already.

[00:18:49]>> Yeah.

[00:18:49]>> So there's it seems like in that case in that coaching moment.

[00:18:53]>> Yeah.

[00:18:54]>> Something very specific that happened was actually directing the person's attention to counter evidence for what they actually currently thought. So if you're if you're going internally and you're like what's what's vulnerable with myself right now? Nobody likes me.

[00:19:08]Okay. If I just assume that that is actually the story I've been telling myself already and I haven't seen anything new, >> how do I completely invert what I think I'm seeing?

[00:19:18]>> Yeah.

[00:19:19]>> And look for the truth in the other side of it.

[00:19:22]>> Yeah. So the nervous system is what's going to tell you that or the like the pucker is what's going to tell you that quicker, right? So intellectually you can do it by just saying, "Okay, let's look at counter evidence and what's the counter evidence I don't want to admit to?"

[00:19:35]>> Yeah.

[00:19:35]>> Like that's the easy question intellectually, >> right? And that can surface the pucker like oh wait I have actually been seen and loved before and then the pucker shows up.

[00:19:43]>> Yeah. Exactly. And like right and then you're when when you feel that pucker then you know you're actually in that vulnerable place rather than in the place that you're normally telling yourself or normally beating yourself up with. So that's another one. The other thing that you can do if you're scared of being seen is to open your heart to the other person. Because what you've done is you've stopped love and connection from flowing between you and the other person. You're worried about what they're going to think, which means you've disconnected.

[00:20:14]>> Yeah. You've objectified them in a way.

[00:20:16]There there's a way that they are now an object in your game of self-regulating and feeling safe. Al >> Also, you're rejecting them.

[00:20:23]>> Yeah.

[00:20:24]>> Like there's a way in which you're going to hurt me. Basically, what you're going to what you're saying is you are going to hurt me, which is a form of rejection.

[00:20:31]>> Yeah. And so you've already dismissed them. And so a counteraction is to actually open your heart to them and say, "Oh, how like how open and loving can I be to this person?" No matter what they think or feel about me, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to draw boundaries. It doesn't mean I'm going to take abuse. It doesn't mean that I'm going to be like a punching bag for somebody, but it does mean, oh, right, I'm going to actually stay connected with you. So it what's amazing is that if I choose to be connected with you, it doesn't really matter if you're connected to me for my experience, right? If I'm connected to you and you can like anybody who's listening to this right now can just do it. You can just say, "Okay, like deeply connect with Brett. Brett is like not connecting with you right now. Brett's connecting with me, but like connect with Brett and notice how much less you give a what Brett thinks.

[00:21:27]about you because there's and how much that connection doesn't really require Brett.

[00:21:34]So that's the amazing thing is like oh I can open my heart I can connect with somebody and that dissipates my concern with what they think about me which is like mindbogling >> and like it just so reverse of the way that you think things >> and it as it dissipates the concern for what they think about you it increases the wonder for what they're experiencing which might be thoughts about you >> right >> but the wonder replacing the concern is an interesting shift and opens up the nervous system opens the sense of safety and the receptivity >> to new data, new information.

[00:22:09]>> Yeah. And then wonder is another great one. So, let's just say somebody is you you're showing up, somebody sees you, you're like, this is going horribly wrong.

[00:22:20]>> Mhm.

[00:22:21]>> Like use wonder. Oh, what are you seeing right now that's that that's got you upset? Or how upset are you at me right now? How are you how are you feeling about this relationship?

[00:22:34]There's like a thousand questions that will teach you that a lot of what you think is just not true at all about the other person.

[00:22:42]>> What if the other person has been running the same pattern? And so you ask them those questions and then they finally have the opportunity to dismiss you and do all the stuff that you've been doing.

[00:22:51]>> Yeah. Great.

[00:22:53]>> And so you take that personally. You're like, I knew it. I knew it. They don't like me.

[00:22:58]>> Yeah. So let let's just assume that for a second. Let's assume that you are not being liked by somebody. Well, the first question is it you that showed up or is this frozen scared like >> Right. So, I'm bad cuz I get frozen and scared. That's just me and people don't like the frozen and scared and I don't know how to change it. What do I do?

[00:23:19]>> Right. Exactly. So, so the first question is like is that you? That's the first question you have to ask yourself.

[00:23:25]Is that frozen scared thing you? Like what's you? What do you have to do to show up to be you? And the second question that's really good to ask yourself, are you happy with you? Is this how you want to be? One of the things that I notice is that when somebody's being the way that they want to be, they care a lot less about what other people think, >> right? Because they're not in their own shame. This is actually I'm really proud of this. So often times if someone's like preparing for a meeting or preparing for like the first date, they're thinking about what the other person's going to think about them and they're trying to manage that situation.

[00:24:01]But if they go in and say, "What's the way that I can behave that will make me super proud no matter what happens, everything starts changing, >> right?"

[00:24:13]>> Yeah. So >> because you're loving yourself, you're opening your heart to yourself. And the opening the heart works whether towards the other person or towards yourself.

[00:24:21]>> You're also moving from a orientation to outcomes and more towards an orientation to something that's a more direct feedback in yourself in the moment of how do I want to be right?

[00:24:30]>> Am I the way I want to be right now? Am I showing up how I want to show up? And then everything else that happens, I don't need to be tracking, predicting, futuring, taking personally. All those things get to fall away if my direct feedback for my behavior is if I'm showing up in a way that feels great to me.

[00:24:49]>> Right. Which is another version of what is it that I need?

[00:24:53]>> Yeah.

[00:24:54]>> Right. It's another version of that which is oh if I'm going to be proud of myself in this moment, how do I want to behave? And but so so none of these things are going to work absolutely except for if you have the access to be able to open your heart. That one's like a very quick absolute thing. So what happens for other folks is they're like, I want to behave this way, but then they get in there and they're in that nervous system fight or flight or freeze because oh my gosh, I'm, you know, like this it's like this deep trauma of it. And so there's another way of working with it which is just exposure. M >> so you see this happen a lot when people do our work all of our courses there's a lot of being seen and as they are seen they become more and more comfortable with themselves >> I mean it's this amazing thing so you know how many people have we seen go through the connection course and they get deeply seen by five different people over the series of the course and then they're they're just like so much more comfortable in who they are and so it's the same thing that you see in like 12step programs or group therapy where the more I speak about the thing and I'm seen in it, the less I care what people think, you know?

[00:26:11]So, I remember there was a time when I was in my 20s and I'm like, "My dad's an alcoholic and everybody's going to judge me." Now, I'm like, "Yeah, my dad's an alcoholic." I'll say it on like public everywhere. It doesn't like, "Yeah, my dad was an alcoholic." I don't see that at because I have no shame around it anymore.

[00:26:26]>> Yeah. And the places that I am I'm not where I'm scared to be seen are the places where I have the shame and which gives tells me this is the place where I have the freedom and shame. One of the best ways to to just address the shame is to share it with people and notice, oh, they're not ashamed. They don't think there's something broken with me.

[00:26:50]Or to notice, wow, we all have that.

[00:26:52]Like every like everybody has a parent, not everybody. Most people have a parent that was addicted to something somehow, emotion, television, something like most people have shame, most people have fear, most people like these are all human experiences.

[00:27:08]>> Yeah. Yeah. So, it's interesting. It's like both of the ways out are either recognizing I'm not alone in thinking this or I was alone in thinking this.

[00:27:15]Like this was only a thought in my own head like I'm the only one I invented this. Exactly.

[00:27:19]>> It's kind of funny how that's like both of those seem to be a way out.

[00:27:23]>> Both. Yeah. And and and and the exposure just oh I am going to little ways be seen every day.

[00:27:32]>> Yeah. And the thing that that does is that most of the people who who feel or are scared of being seen but want to be seen, another experience that they have a lot of is that they're lonely. And so this stops the loneliness. So like recently I was talking to my daughter and she was just noticing like she's got friends in college and everything like that and she's she's like, "Oh, I'm starting to feel lonely." And my question to her was like, "What are the ways that you're not being yourself?

[00:28:00]What are the ways that you're not showing up asking for what you want, saying what's wrong, having the hard conversations?

[00:28:06]Because if you aren't doing that, you're not actually with anybody. You're all you're by yourself in this reality.

[00:28:14]And so, literally, I think it was like 3 days later, cuz you know, Esme is amazing. She she called me up and she was like, "I've had three hard conversations in two days. I feel so much better. I've like had these like I just looked everywhere that I wasn't saying the thing or being the person that I wanted to be and I just did it and I feel so much better and it's and it happens just like that. It's amazing how quickly loneliness can be cured if you actually show up in a way that you're proud of saying the things that are important to you.

[00:28:47]>> Yeah. And I also want to talk about another aspect of the shame and in this pattern which is often people will show up with I I really want to be seen. I should be seen. I should be doing a thing. I should go have the hard conversations. And so that exact uh set of behaviors you just described could be somebody something that somebody tries to force themselves into or beat themselves up into as a part of this pattern. What would you say to to that to somebody who's like >> I should really show up more. I should really be seen. I should really be vulnerable.

[00:29:17]>> What I would say is I would point back to the beginning which is what do you need to take care of yourself? What what do you need to open to your heart to yourself and to other people? Because that framing prevents it from being I should do this, I should do that. I should do this other thing >> because there's a like a self-care, there's a love, there's an expansion in that feeling. There's an opening up to yourself and to the other person.

[00:29:42]>> Yeah.

[00:29:42]>> And so that can't coexist with you should do this. What's wrong with you?

[00:29:46]D.

[00:29:47]>> Yeah. Your question is a great pointer because it is emotionally going from what what what to oh I can actually just love this moment you myself and that's really what's changing on the emotional level is you're going from a contraction to an openness whether it's through wonder or whether it's through love or whether it's through admitting and owning your needs or what would I be proud out of there. All these things are emotionally opening you up to the experience of what's going on.

[00:30:23]>> And when you are closed down and contracted emotionally, you're not actually experiencing reality.

[00:30:29]>> Yeah.

[00:30:29]>> You're experiencing your thought of what reality is.

[00:30:32]>> But what about also the need for safety?

[00:30:35]If if my if I see myself as bad or wrong for hiding, for all the hiding I've done in my life, what about acknowledging the need to feel comfort, the need to feel safe, that that pattern provided for me even while it limited me in many ways.

[00:30:50]>> Awesome. Yeah, I think that's a great thing to do.

[00:30:53]>> Yeah.

[00:30:53]>> Right. That's another version of loving yourself. That's another version of like honoring who you are.

[00:30:58]>> So addressing this pattern isn't about, oh, I've been doing it wrong all this time. I've been hiding and I should be getting out there and getting seen.

[00:31:06]>> Correct.

[00:31:07]>> Yeah.

[00:31:07]>> Yeah. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. Like if you beat yourself up then you are like we talked about this earlier in the episode. If you're beating yourself up then you are now the eye of siren turned on yourself.

[00:31:21]>> Yeah.

[00:31:21]>> So any way in which you are like putting that same criticism on yourself to undo that is going to be incredibly useful for this pattern. Right? Because that self-criticism is the shame, right? And so any way that you can really look at that shame and there's lots of ways to look at the shame and and start to unwind it, one is with people that we talked about, but another way to really look at that shame and unwind the shame is to just ask yourself, would you criticize somebody else for it? And that for some people that's going to get rid of like 80% of it. Oh, so somebody else was like scared as a kid and they learned to hide. Do you think >> especially if it's somebody they care a lot about?

[00:32:06]>> Exactly. Did you are they an Are they bad?

[00:32:10]>> Do they need to be fixed?

[00:32:13]Right. And so that's another way to just really quickly say, "Oh, wait. If it wasn't me, would I treat myself this way?"

[00:32:20]>> Yeah. So, I want to leave people with one like specific concrete thing that they can do. Yeah. next time they show up to say a meeting or a tense conversation with their partner and they're freezing up, they're hiding, they recognize this patterns alive, this podcast is ringing in their head >> and that little tiny part of the lyic system that's still active.

[00:32:41]>> Yeah.

[00:32:41]>> Is like, what do I do? What what's a thing?

[00:32:44]>> Open your heart to that person.

[00:32:45]>> Mhm.

[00:32:46]>> So, stop objectifying them. Recognize that you've already cut yourself off from them. You're judging them. You're basically saying in that moment, you're going to attack me. You're a bad person.

[00:33:00]You only care about yourself. You can't see me.

[00:33:05]And you're totally self-obsessed and focused on you.

[00:33:11]That's what you're saying about the other person. So, you've already like fully disconnected and and you're worried about what they're thinking about you, but you're basically thinking all those things about them. you're like and you right like and that's the hard thing for people to like really just grock is like oh if I'm scared about what you're going to say about me I have judged you I have I have categorized you I've boxed you I I've made you into an enemy >> like which is everything you're scared that they're going to do to you've already done to them and look they don't seem to give a >> yeah which I I and I think that's where like A lot of the fear when people come to a coaching session about this comes from is, oh, if I actually see how I've been treating myself and I see the way that I've been treating others, then I have to feel a ton of grief.

[00:34:02]>> That's right.

[00:34:03]>> And possibly in front of these 300 people on this call.

[00:34:06]>> Right. Yep.

[00:34:07]>> But in front of myself.

[00:34:08]>> Yeah.

[00:34:08]>> Especially.

[00:34:09]>> Exactly. Because that's what shame's job is is to is to stagnate an emotional experience, right? And so when that shame relieves, there's going to be grief and other emotions that need to be felt that are are going to be scary.

[00:34:25]>> Yeah. Like you might find yourself on a podcast and be like, I'm Joe Hudson and I just realized that I've been pronouncing I have Sauron wrong this entire episode.

[00:34:34]>> I knew I was doing that. What is is it Sauron or Siren? S I've still got it wrong. Siren. I'm going to call it Siren. What?

[00:34:41]>> Yeah, Siren. Go for it.

[00:34:43]>> Sauron. Yeah, exactly. It's horrible.

[00:34:46]Everybody's gonna judge me.

[00:34:48]>> Everybody who judges Joe for that, please. They're already commenting. It's already been there.

[00:34:53]>> It's been happening.

[00:34:55]>> What a pleasure. Pleasure to be with you.

[00:34:57]>> Yeah, you too, Joe.