They Didn’t Leave Because They Stopped Loving You

[00:00:00]One of the most painful sentences a person can hear is, "I still love you, but I don't want to be with you." It sounds impossible. If they love you, why would they leave? The truth is that people leave someone they still love a lot more often than most people think.

[00:00:15]And here are five reasons why.

[00:00:17]>> [music] >> Number one is that people confuse love with feelings. They don't understand that love is a developing phenomenon within side of a human being. It starts off with passion and fireworks, what the psychology world would call limerence, which is when dopamine and adrenaline and oxytocin and vasopressin are hormones that are very high, and it creates these sky-high feelings where people say things like, "I've never felt this way before." because those chemical highs cause you to forget the other chemical highs you've had with other people in the past. And so, people often will say, "I've never felt this way before." even when they have felt this way before. They just don't remember it because the feeling is euphoric, but it can't last forever that way. As a matter of fact, it doesn't even last very long before those feelings of excitement fade. They are there to get you to develop emotional intimacy with someone because when it's a stranger and you're just getting to know them, it makes no sense for you to feel these sky-high feelings of love for them, and yet you do, and it is intended to cause you to get more information, to learn them, to know them, to explore them, mind, body, and soul, so that you will be one with them. You will be intimate with them.

[00:01:35]And so, that's what those highs are for is to motivate you to do that.

[00:01:37]Otherwise, you would have no motivation to get to know a stranger at those levels, and so you would not develop the closeness that actually brings about commitment because the sky-high feelings don't bring about commitment because what happens when they fade? You are dependent on those feelings, but emotional intimacy, where you are connected to this person, you have a history with this person, you appreciate this person, and you begin to value the fact that you have memories with this person and that you have built something with this person. That is not dependent on chemicals. And when those chemicals fall, some people don't understand it.

[00:02:14]They think that means love is falling, and they become addicted to the newness of a relationship, and people will leave relationships and start another and leave that relationship and start another. It's a very common concept because we have taught people for the most part the Hollywood version of love, which is it is incredibly passionate, and if that passion ever dips even a little bit, then my commitment doesn't matter. But love and feelings are not the same thing, or else why would you bother to commit to someone? Why would you commit to marriage with someone? Why would you commit to an exclusive relationship with someone if whenever you felt differently you would just leave? A commitment is there to keep you together even when those new highs have eased up. The commitment itself is something that should be appreciated, but it's not. And that's why often people will still love someone and leave them simply because the highs aren't there anymore. Can the highs come back?

[00:03:10]To some degree, to small degree, they can. And it often requires that that person misses you, that they have fear of loss, even fear of replacement. It can actually bring back some of those chemicals associated with limerence and associated with the newness of a relationship. That's why it works, but that's also why you have to be careful when they start coming back to you because if you simply take them back 100% and remove all the doubt they had where they were starting to think that maybe you could leave them, maybe you have, maybe you're interested in going your separate ways because they broke up with you as though it turned you off of them, those feelings are what bring them back. That's what can create that limerence once And if you just alleviate it, then you're right back in the boat you were in before, and they will often leave seeking those new highs of a new relationship with somebody else somewhere. And that's why I tell people on coaching sessions and in my emergency breakup kit and in my marriage course that taking it one day at a time, having some reservation, is often a very good thing to do when the person has left but is now come back. And it's obviously something that's complex and is often better handled in a coaching session, but that's the video version of what happens in a situation like this. Number two, relief can temporarily overpower love. If it's been stressful with you, if you've been putting a lot of pressure on them, and you two have been arguing and fighting and at each other's throats, then even if they love you, they can just want a break from that.

[00:04:40]And where people often mess it up is that then they really turn on the pressure. They demand to talk to the person, they won't leave them alone, they pressure them, they beg, they plead, they won't go away, they show up, which is the exact opposite of what this person needs. And with marriage situations, it can be a little bit different because you don't want to simply give them a sample divorce where they can think that this is a lot better than marriage. And again, that's better handled in a coaching session, but for breakups especially, when there's not that marriage commitment, you have to let them take that break. You have to give them the space they need, or else you are actually making them think, "See, this person can't change. See, this is what I will be putting up with if I stay with them. The pressure will never go away." And so they can love you but just think they can't live with you.

[00:05:29]Number three, to change their life.

[00:05:32]Sometimes a person when life's not going like they thought it would, when they hit middle age, and they have an awareness of their own mortality, when they think that life should have been like it is in the movies where there's just a constant new adventure around every corner, a lot of times they will blame that on the relationship and that even though I love you, if I get a new relationship or I leave this relationship and see what else is out there, this great adventure of independence that's marketed to us, they will actually leave someone they love just because their life isn't quite going like they think it should and they think that mixing it up will actually be better. And so they can leave someone they love and it's a sad thing. And sometimes people with borderline personality disorder do this where they can detach themselves and walk away from a relationship that had a lot of strengths, that was strong, where it was a good person who loved you, which is actually a really good reason to stay and try to work on the relationship.

[00:06:26]Even if the passion's gone, even if your life's not going quite like you wanted it to. But a lot of times people with borderline personality disorder will simply just detach and say, "Well, my life's not going quite like I wanted it to. I wanted to be rich by now. I wanted to live my life on a cruise boat or open a coffee shop downtown or something cliche or even not cliche, just different than what they had hoped for their life and they decide that just tossing the relationship aside might just be what allows me to live the life that I want to. It's immature thinking, it's oversimplification, it's usually wrong simply because a relationship is often the supportive foundation that allows us to live the life we want to live. And starting over, being alone and then getting into a new relationship often just leads to another breakup and more disappointment thinking, "Well, this isn't what I had in mind either."

[00:07:16]And over time we become like a piece of tape. When you stick it against the wall one time, it sticks pretty good. You pull it off and re-stick it, it sticks okay. You pull it off, stick it a third time and it's not going to hold anything up. It's lost a lot of its stickiness because it keeps sticking and being pulled off. And people are like that.

[00:07:32]The more that we commit and detach and commit and detach, the less we are able to have firm commitments. And so that's why it's valuable to stay and work on a relationship and exhaust every possibility to see if it can improve or whatever is needed and just to see if the feeling of sadness in life will pass, which it often does, or to see if some of the positives of the relationship return because so many times it does as life is full of so many different ups and downs and cycles.

[00:08:01]Before I get to number four, get my reunion blueprint for just $7 at reunionblueprint.com.

[00:08:07]It's just $7, so anybody can afford this. reunionblueprint.com.

[00:08:13]If you are married, get my free mini course on saving a marriage at marriageradio.com under the marriage help section. That's marriageradio.com under the marriage help section. You can book a coaching session with me at myexbackcoach.com/coaching for a coaching session with me.

[00:08:32]myexbackcoach.com/coaching.

[00:08:37]Number four, sometimes a person will leave someone they love because of the committee. And just through observation, this tends to happen a lot with women where they will surround themselves with their friends and they kind of put their relationship on the chopping block. I'm not saying that all women do this, I just see that it does happen quite a bit more with women than it does with men, but no sex is perfect, but their friends will often times give credibility to the expression single women make women single because sometimes it's fun to meddle in a relationship and tell someone, "Oh, you shouldn't put up with that." even though the man in the relationship might be putting up with a lot, too. Maybe they both need to grow.

[00:09:17]Or maybe she's only telling one side of it and she will hear this information from her friends about how they left their man or something like that and they're much happier for it. When sometimes they're not and they're just wanting a single woman to go out with them to clubs where they can flirt with guys. But I have even had women admit to me that they did encourage a girlfriend to break up with their boyfriend just because they wanted someone else single with them. And guys can do this, too.

[00:09:41]So, beware of the committee. And tell me in the comments if you've had this experience because a lot of people have this, and then there's this peer pressure where they feel like, "Well, now if I don't break up with him, they're going to tell me that I'm being weak or that they're disappointed in me or maybe they won't talk to me." Which is just wrong, but I hear it session after session where this is the case.

[00:10:03]And of course, guys can surround themselves with the committee as well.

[00:10:07]Their buddies who want their single buddy back or something like that, and it's really not fair. Your relationship should not be a committee. It should be the two of you. And you should talk about your concerns about the relationship with the two of you. And your partner's name should be safe on your lips even if you're not happy with them in that moment. There should be loyalty there that other people don't get to see you air your dirty laundry.

[00:10:31]You wouldn't want this person discussing your issues and complaining about you to their friends. So, use the golden rule.

[00:10:37]But the committee is certainly why lots of people will leave someone they love because they want the committee to be pleased with them. Number five, love alone is not always enough.

[00:10:49]I've already mentioned borderline personality disorder and how sometimes they can leave someone they love just because it's easier for them to detach from someone and because they can lose respect for the other person so often, especially when you're talking about a woman with personality disorder losing respect for a man who gives in too much when she's being difficult on him. For men, it tends to interpret itself as bipolar and he can detach in the same way. Then you can get into the world of avoidance where people think that the relationship is probably not going to work out, that you are probably going to leave them at some point, and they might as well do it now because at least then it's something they control and they feel like they might get closer to you and then it will hurt worse. I'm very much oversimplifying that, but that can be the case. Though, a lot of times people rush to assign this kind of thing or even diagnose this kind of thing when there's really not a diagnosis. It is a soft science that is always putting attachment styles on any kind of relationship problem or breakup. But, there are people, especially those who have had childhood trauma associated with their parents, who can love someone, but be okay having a life without them. In fact, sometimes people who have had those difficult childhoods can still feel connected to the relationship through the pain of the breakup and the pain of not having you and keeping an eye on you on social media, even you being with someone else.

[00:12:06]They can feel that pain and they can still feel connected to you through that pain, which is a very sad concept. It's a sad truth of life, but some people, even people who don't seemingly have childhood trauma, can still attach to someone through the pain of a breakup.

[00:12:22]And in some ways, that can be the worst kind of breakup. What I can tell you is that people can leave someone they still love. And that means they can come back to someone they never stopped loving. I see it all the time. The key is to allow them to feel that love by missing you, by having fear of replacement when they're not hearing from you and they're wondering what's going on with you, and seeing that you were strong enough to stay away, which means that they can't count on you to fix the breakup, and that you could actually get further from them.

[00:12:51]The things that I talk about in so many of my videos and that I talk about on coaching sessions. Be sure to get my $7 reunion blueprint. It's only $7, so there's no excuse. At reunionblueprint.com, you can book a coaching session with me at myexbackcoach.com/coaching.

[00:13:06]That's myexbackcoach.com/coaching.

[00:13:10]And you can get my free mini course on saving a marriage at marriageradio.com under the marriage help section. This is Coach Lee, and as always, thank you for watching.