Dear Scarlet Ep. 1 | “30 Days With My Sister??”

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:00]Welcome to Dear Scarlet, my submission series where listeners write in for advice on family, relationships, mental health, and life. And why should you take advice from me? Honestly, after a lifetime of trauma and resilience, people are usually wondering how I'm not on a permanent grippy sock vacation. So, clearly I've learned a few things along the way. Let's get into today's submission. This one is about family boundaries and when helping someone starts to feel like you're giving up your entire life. Quick disclaimer, the following submission has been shortened for brevity. The writer has given permission for their story to be shared and identifying details have been changed or removed to protect privacy.

[00:00:35]The perspectives shared in this episode are for discussion purposes only and should not be considered medical, legal, or therapeutic advice. Let's get started. Dear Scarlet, my sister that's 13 years older than me, I'm 30, is still living at home with our parents.

[00:00:50]Essentially, our parents just did not set us up for success. I fought and survived and got out, got married in 2024, and finally moved out at the ripe age of 28. I've come to realize that it actually feels like I am the older sister due to the fact that my sister deals with an exponential amount of childhood trauma and I feel terrible for her because she had a lot of weight put on her from our mother growing up. So, she comes to me with this proposition.

[00:01:15]She wants to pay me $500 and half of a plane ticket to come home and essentially be her assistant for a month.

[00:01:23]She wants help with doctor's appointments, finding a dentist, setting up a computer, and also just spending time together. But, most of those things could be knocked out in a week or two, but a whole month is asking a lot of me and she absolutely will not settle for any less. Jumping out of the submission for a second, I asked what she's already tried in this situation and this was her reply. I already tried talking her down to a couple weeks instead of the full 30 days and her response was, and I quote, "I wanted your help for a whole month, not a week and a half. You can't get anything done in a week and a half." End quote.

[00:01:55]I'm trying to learn how to set boundaries and speak up for myself, but it's difficult with my sister because yes, I'd like to help her, but I also have my own life. I can't just up and leave for a month. I also don't want to leave my cat. She gets so sad and anxious when I'm away, and I'd be miserable being away from my cat and my husband for that long. J, all right, let's talk about this. So, my initial reaction after hearing this submission is that it's it's less about should J go or should J not go? And it's more about boundaries because I think if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, there was often a confusion between being needed and being responsible. And the parentification of kids in these environments set you up for years and years and years of feeling responsible for something when in reality you were just needed, and you were just a kid. And it's interesting because it sounds like J has already escaped this family role of feeling like the older sister and and maybe doing more than what was fair to ask of a child, but those expectations from that role that you've escaped are now coming back. And so, I think that's what's at play here.

[00:03:11]It's less about the logistics and the travel and the planning and all of that, and it's more about boundaries, your emotional boundaries, and your family boundaries after parentification and just living in this family dynamic. And I actually feel for both of you here because it sounds like your sister is overwhelmed and reaching out for support and help, but you also sound overwhelmed by being needed at this scale.

[00:03:40]And I don't know if this is literally a 1-month trip issue. It sounds like a lifelong dynamic issue. So, let's talk about parentification because this to me feels like it's at play here, and I think you'll feel validated knowing how real of a thing this is, and how normal, for better for worse, this dynamic is in a lot of dysfunctional family dynamics.

[00:04:06]So, parentification is a dysfunctional family dynamic where a child is forced to take on the role of a supportive adult, reversing the natural parent-child relationship. It involves children handling inappropriate caretaking or emotional needs for their parents, which can impede their development and cause long-term mental health challenges.

[00:04:25]So, it sounds like where your parents didn't set you up for success, you were filling in those gaps, and where your older sibling was struggling, you were helping there. And so, you filled as much of that role as you could, but that isn't sustainable. And I think the guilt that you're describing is because your sister genuinely does need support, but that still doesn't mean that you owe unlimited access to yourself. You need to have boundaries to protect yourself, because you can't give from an empty cup. I also love that you already offered a compromise. A compromise is not you failing to help, but what I read is that was a boundary.

[00:05:08]You were meeting her where she's at, and you're saying, "Yes, I can help you, but rather than a full month, let's do a week and a half." And you can still get so much done in that time frame. And what's tricky is this framing of it's all or nothing, and I think that's where the emotional component comes into play, because I don't think that this is literally about the 30 days. Your compromise isn't a punishment, and boundaries are not punishments. You can still love your sister and recognize that she needs support, and give her the support that she's needing in a way that's also sustainable to you and doesn't completely deplete you and derail you from your life.

[00:05:56]And if I had to guess, and I might be wrong, this ask is probably from a long line of similar asks and maybe you have met her in those asks and things are different now. You're married, you have a cat, you have a life.

[00:06:11]And even if you didn't, you're still allowed to set a boundary and say 30 days is too much, but here's what I can do and I'd love to help you and support you and spend quality time together, but let's make a plan. I think one of the hardest things about boundaries is knowing that people can be disappointed by them, but they still need to exist. You're allowed to have a boundary and say that 30 days is too much, even if you didn't have a husband or a cat that would miss you. You don't need to have a reason. Boundaries are not punishments. You're allowed to say no to family and that's something that is really, really difficult, but your no isn't even a full no. It's a yes with your terms. You're still meeting her where she's at. You're saying yes, but 30 days is a big ask for anyone and even if you didn't have a husband or a cat that would miss you, you're allowed to say no. You're allowed to feel like you have built a full life and you don't need to abandon it at the drop of a hat to save everyone.

[00:07:20]You can take it one piece at a time and it's difficult. It's absolutely easier said than done, but I think this is a big moment for you and your relationship with your sister to really stand in your adulthood and you don't have to break the pattern all together. You can still be be emotional stabilizer, and emotional caregiver to your sister at times, but find a way to make it work for you in this new chapter in your life, in adulthood, in a way that doesn't totally parentify you or bring you right back to your childhood dynamic. You can find a way to have a similar dynamic that still serves you and her in adulthood, and I think boundaries are the way to do that.

[00:08:10]And I understand why this hurts and feels messy and complicated and uncomfortable.

[00:08:19]And I think you're still allowed to say no.

[00:08:23]And that just has to be okay, and I think if it's delivered with love and understanding, that is all you can do. You can't control somebody's response to what you put out, but I'm hoping that if you're leading with love and understanding and compromise, that you will be met with at least that.

[00:08:46]All right, Jay. I hope that helps. I'd love to know what you end up doing. Feel free to write back in and let us know what you did and how it goes, and just know that you're not alone in this, and I am sending you a lot of love and calming energy your way.

[00:09:03]And yeah, I hope this helped.