Diagnosed with Bipolar at 30s: Mourning the Person I Thought I Was

Added: 2026-05-07

[00:00:00]Did you know that around 70% of people with bipolar disorder are being misdiagnosed at first and onethird of those people are diagnosed correctly after 10 years?

[00:00:13]Well, this is really crazy and this is exactly my story as well. And I wasn't sure if I want to talk about it because I got this diagnosed like around a half year ago and I had hard time to chew this information and I'm still having a hard time and it's yeah you know it's you feel I mean I feel quite vulnerable to talk about it especially because I feel uh yeah like I spent so many years in therapy and learning about mental health and I overseen this and here I am have a YouTube channel in the last two years where I talk about mental health and in generally well-being and I found out about this diagnosis about the time I published my handbook about emotions And I couldn't even promote it. I couldn't even market it. I couldn't even make a video because I was thinking what kind of scam I am that I'm talking about these things. And I didn't even know about myself that I have bipolar disorder.

[00:01:33]How is that even possible?

[00:01:36]And so it's been kind of a difficult decision for me to sit in front of a camera today. But then at the same time, this channel is so important to me because I know from your comments that for a lot of you, this channel helps you to feel not so isolated with your struggles. And to me as well, this helps me too. And it's just that. And then I was just like, you know, [ __ ] it. I'm going to talk about this right now because I'm definitely not the only one and there are a lot of us who get diagnosed with bipolar disorder in their 30s and even later in life and be misdiagnosed for many years and decades even especially bipolar 2 and this was my diagnosis as well because bipolar one is like the one that we notice much faster usually cuz it has mania and bipolar 2 has hypomomania. Mania is the one where you have psychosis where you got psychotic during the manic episodes and this is where people get hospitalized get into really big troubles and this is something that is much easier to notice for the doctors for the families for the person themselves. People with bipolar 2 don't have psychotic symptoms but and they basically they might look just very very productive and highly energetic people but at the same time in between there will be these depressive episodes and bipolar to have normally much more longer and heavier depressive episodes.

[00:03:26]And so my story was that I yeah I've been depressed since like my whole adulthood life but not the whole time. So first when in my early 20ies I was diagnosed with um reoccurring depression disorder, depressive disorder which means that it keeps coming back and it was keep come back and I had very different kind of sometimes worse sometimes better depression but my depression I got it got worse in second half of my 20ies when actually hypomomania got also kind of worst the times where I just take up so much work wouldn't sleep so much and I wouldn't be really tired go out a lot be extremely ex extroverted also when I'm I love I am introvert and just be another person take a lot of risks um make a lot of depths for sure and yeah but this is exactly the time where people would tell me, "Oh, you know, I wish to have so much energy like you. How could you do all these things?" And then, yeah, I did have doctors and psychiatrists and my old therapists tell me that I should that it looks kind of a little bit like bipolar, too. And I was just like, I don't care. Um, I don't want to take medications anyways. I don't need a diagnosis. I don't want to put a label on myself. Why would I need it? I'm kind of managing my life. I thought I was managing my life. Now when I look at it, oh my god. And I still didn't suspect having a bipolar too. I was just thinking that I'm having depressive depression and it always getting better.

[00:05:19]But then it's coming back again.

[00:05:21]And I decided to take to to be very serious about health of my body and look into more holistic things, holistic ways of healing depression. And I got totally sober uh from alcohol, from a lot of different substances.

[00:05:39]And I just got stable in life, very stable relationship, a beautiful home, job, everything that I ever wish to have, trying to be very mindful about my choices and caring about my health. And it has improved my life tremendously and I definitely gained stability during those times but it was still keep coming back the depression hypomomania and that was got even worse because I started taking antepressants cuz I thought okay maybe I'm just going to try to take medication and it got me hypomomanic and that was like one of the like warning like signs that unfortunately nobody told me about from my health um team.

[00:06:34]Um because usually it's very common that anti-depressants can make somebody with bipolar disorder very manic or hypomomanic from the day one. And I told my therapist, let's do this diagnosis. And um yeah, and then I found out that I do have bipolar too, which was a surprise and not a surprise, but very hard news. It was hard because it definitely brought me identity crisis like grief of for last years, you know, I'm 30. I'm I'm turning 34 and how could I not notice that?

[00:07:23]And who am I then? Like the first questions that were spinning in my head.

[00:07:32]Am I the hypomomanic Carolina Karolina or am I the depressive Carolina? Like which one is the truth uh through me?

[00:07:43]And obviously there are those stable times but I have had more unstable times either hypomomanic or depressive and it's it's been difficult to let go of the idea that hypomomanic hypomomania was hypomomania because I was just really thinking it was just like the times that I would magically just figure it all out.

[00:08:15]And that was the real me that someday I could reach this point of being always like this.

[00:08:23]And it's hard to let go of that idea. And it's hard to let go that it was hypomomania. To understand it was hypomomania. It's kind of shameful as well.

[00:08:37]And it's hard to accept that initially I have to let go of hypomomania because hypomomania is exactly the more intense it gets the worse depression gets. The longer is the depression longer will be. That's how the brain kind of works. And not to give into it or trying not to give into that it's very sad. It's hard to give up on that. And I'm not medicated yet. And I don't want to be medicated. I'm not saying I will not be medicated.

[00:09:16]I'm just having a really hard time to accept that. I'm having a hard time to accept this is a chronic disorder that I have.

[00:09:27]I just trying to remind me this disorder in this world's order because I really I'm a big believer that every emotion, every mental health issue has a purpose in our evolution.

[00:09:42]And I read something interesting today that people with bipolar perhaps back back then in stone ances and whatever they were actually had kind of sort of maybe a superpower. You know people who were really in touch with natural rhythms of nature and who maybe during the winter were sleeping in. They had their depressive episode, low episode where they could sleep it through and reserve every bit of energy we had.

[00:10:15]And then there would come a spring and there would be like this pum energy and do this, do that, not sleep, not not necessary to sleep, not necessary to eat, collect, collect, collect honing and everything. And then again winter comes and maybe did have that kind of a purpose which doesn't work in today's world and today again I am labeled as a disorder.

[00:10:47]I'm not victimizing myself here but it's still like you know it's a chronic condition.

[00:10:54]You know I had a hope that I just had depression. It's not just of of course not but it's just you know statistically most of people with bipolar have to have have to take medication for the rest of their lives and but I still believe I will find ways how to do without it. One day I feel good about it another day I don't feel good about it and I think that I should just stop wasting my time and take meds.

[00:11:26]But I do want to try it. Um, let's see what's going to happen. I'm not in the meds and I really think if you need to take them, you take them. You do whatever you need to do. I will do whatever I will need to do. Anyways, maybe that's another topic. And I still like really I I I cannot I still don't have a proper opinion about it and I haven't even made any kind of choice.

[00:11:49]Um, I'm very unstable about this right now.

[00:11:54]I try to kind of maybe I'll keep maybe I'll keep this for another time, but um I'm trying to find stability without I I don't know what I'm talking about, honestly. Let's keep it out. And it's really sad. I mean to lose hypomomania or trying to lose hypomomania whether through medication through very strict life changes if that's possible because it's like these were like the best times ever like how would I but I have to do it if I want to avoid depression and obviously I do want to not have depressive episodes to come back and it's just like my mind it's really unclear what's going to happen or do I have or should I just keep this how it is? I don't know. like I can't find answers and I'm definitely having some sort of identity crisis and yeah it's not an easy thing to digest especially being in getting closer to middle of my 30s and I think being diagnosed earlier is kind of easier to deal with this of not having spent so many years of belie and then suddenly you know something else, something very important about yourself that is kind of far from the reality you thought you knew.

[00:13:31]So yeah, it's not it's hard. And if you're going through this as well, that's tough. That's really tough. But I'm also at the same time this diagnosis have brought me more hope. At the same time, it broke hope, but it brought also hope. it broke in a way that oh no the so the hypomomania was hypomomania it wasn't just magical get better and maybe it's going to last forever like this at one point and it's just like what it's like no I have like this chronicle stuff happening and it's just always going to be like this and some people say you have to be medicated for the rest of your life yeah but then there's a hope now at least I know what's happening that's a really big step and it's an opportunity to develop a new sense of identity to get to know my myself to build self-confidence and self-esteem even though it has been crashed half a year ago and to even believe that maybe depression is not going to be as influencing influential in my life as it is. I mean, as I said, my depressive episodes have been much more shallow uh since like in the past three years maybe.

[00:14:52]And I have it just it doesn't get so bad that I would just lose control of my life that I would just lose ability to work and completely lose the ability to do things or I would have hypomomanic episodes where I could completely like well hypomomania I'm still having a bit much harder time to control it. But depression I'm like it's been just a decade of learning how to deal with it.

[00:15:19]So, I am kind of good in that. Like, I'm good in depression. I'm good being depressed for sure. And that's what I want to also share with everybody, especially young people who think that it's never going to get better. It gets her.

[00:15:36]It's also like this, but it gets better for sure. So, but obviously I don't want to have it. Obviously, I wish just that it would be even milder and even less influential. So these are the positive sides obviously even though it's really tough to be diagnosed with such diagnosis I guess every time anytime in life but I I really think that being a bit older and getting this diagnosis it's a bit like another type of a crash or shock or identity crisis for sure but I don't want to like say that if you're in 20s or even in your teenage times and you get this diagnosis it's any in any way slighter It's not know that you are not alone cuz it really feels sometimes I'm the only person in the world like this.

[00:16:26]There are so many people who are going through this and everything going to be okay.