Why Wives Lose Sexual Desire Faster: Esther Perel & Oprah: Marriage Drought

Added: 2026-05-31

[00:00:00]Yes, my friends, we're back again today with another Oprah and Esther Pel special. This is a subject that I always wanted to cover. This is not from the same conversation as we did yesterday.

[00:00:13]This is a totally different episode that uh Oprah had with her, but it was just as powerful because it's something that comes up very often with married couples and couples in general, especially those that have kids. It all has to deal with what happens when you're in a relationship with a woman or a wife and you're in it, meaning you're married or you have kids and the woman's sex drive drops. Okay, this is very common amongst couples and I want us to cover it deeply today. So, I just want to say, you know, I really appreciate Oprah for not copyrightiting this material. And for all of you out there that see me reviewing other people's content, I really try hard to make sure that recognize those big creators by linking their information, etc. And believe it or not, it does boost their content because my subscribers and my viewers, they tend to go over there to see other great content that that provider has.

[00:01:10]And I'm just basically saying to you all, hey, all of my content can be shared by each and every single one of you. My content is completely open. I've done almost 2,000 long- form videos right now, and you guys can go and share any of my videos, review it, critique it, whatever you want. Link me back. I'm happy with that. If not, no problem. But that's always just a nice court toy.

[00:01:36]Okay, so let's get straight into it. Hit that like button. My friends on the way in. Let's get to Esther Pel and Oprah.

[00:01:45]And right now they're going to interview a couple, a married couple, and they have a common problem. They got three kids and the sex has dropped. Of course, it's a problem >> in Atlanta. And I hear that you two are very much in love and you're raising three beautiful boys, four, six, and nearly eight. Okay. Where should we begin? What's going on? Hi guys.

[00:02:09]Hi.

[00:02:10]>> Hey, how are you?

[00:02:10]>> Hi.

[00:02:11]>> Yeah. So, so things are incredible with us. Um, I love my wife. We've been married nearly 10 years. It'll be 10 years in April. Um, she's my best friend. As you mentioned, we're raising three amazing boys. We're in ministry together. So, we're in the process of planting a church. So, we do a lot of stuff together.

[00:02:30]>> Okay. Number one, your wife is not your best friend. She is a friend. She should never be your best friend. Okay. So, I just just let you know that right now.

[00:02:39]There's certain things that you do not want to share with your wife that you would share with your best friend. So, um I know he's sort of pandering to a certain audience. Um but I need to clear that up. Second thing is he obviously has a problem otherwise he wouldn't be on the show.

[00:02:58]So, everything is not great. So, let's not let's not disguise this, brother.

[00:03:04]I just I just I just listen to the things that are being said and the things that are not being said. Anyway, let's proceed.

[00:03:11]>> And in our first year of marriage, we're talking about intimacy. So, first year of marriage, um when it comes to the frequency of it, it was very high. going into year 10 is still very good, but when you look at all the things that we're doing, >> the energy that we're exerting, all of the things that we're doing, and one of our kids has autism, so that that's a lot on her as well.

[00:03:38]>> I'm trying to figure out how to make sure she has a lot more in the tank when it comes down to >> time with with me because the boys take a lot, right? At the end of the day, she's ready to park. I'm ready to go full speed fast.

[00:03:56]>> Yeah.

[00:03:56]>> So, that's that's where we are.

[00:03:58]>> Well, you got the best expert here to help you.

[00:04:01]>> And your question is, how do I get her to want more?

[00:04:05]>> Yeah. So, you know, I'm able to compartmentalize the work that we have to do during the day and I can have some left in the reserve. When we get to the end of the day for her, she's a lot more exhausted.

[00:04:17]And I get it. There's more of an emotional toll on her being a mom and the boys are pulling on her more so than me. But I want her to be able to compartmentalize like I can put >> to change tracks.

[00:04:27]>> Am I prepared to change tracks?

[00:04:29]>> Yes. Yes.

[00:04:31]>> I'm I'm prepared to do whatever I need to do.

[00:04:33]>> Wonderful. Beautiful. Can I hear from you just a bit, >> Christia?

[00:04:38]>> Yeah. I'm I So, like he said, I am tired. Come 8:00, I'm ready to tap out and retire. But I try to explain to him there's a biological connection I have with the children. I'm a light sleeper. So any little breath it feels like I I wake up.

[00:04:54]So I feel like I'm not getting adequate sleep. Although, you know, I I fall asleep early, but um it's like I'm trying to explain to him the different ways that men and women approach sex.

[00:05:05]Like he can go and I need like a I need time to build it. And I love him and I'm attracted to him. That's that's not the thing. But I'm very much aware our marriage is a movement. I really value that. So >> maybe we first >> All right. Before she chime in, I want to explain a few things. Uh number one, biologically, after a woman has had all the kids that she has now desired, something in her shuts off biologically, sexually, she no longer has that urge to procreate. So the procreation part is out of the equation. So her sex drive diminishes significantly. Exactly what happened with me, right? I've been married 22 years. Trust me, we we bent through that decline. Okay? So, understand that after the first kid, it's going to drop. After the second, it's going to drop even more. And the third, and they know that that's and she knows that that's the last one, sex drive is going to be tanked. This is the the frustrating part about this for me is a woman can become sexually impotent because this is the definition of sexually impotent for women. For men is when he can't get it up when he no longer have the urge. Right? Same thing occurs with men. If he has low testosterone levels, if you know he has some other mental issue that stops him from getting an erection. But because it's very visual with men. Men get criticized and he gets shamed for it.

[00:06:30]Right? But women can also become sexually impotent. All right? I'm not getting into right now. I'm not going to get into the whole phases and all of the lack of bonding and all of that stuff.

[00:06:41]Let's let's not go there yet, right? But I just want you guys to bear that in mind that this is something that happens because I don't think Esther covers this. She's just covering exhaustion.

[00:06:52]>> Okay. Maybe we first switch a little bit the way we think here, right? And that is very often when we think about sex, we think about an act and an outcome, something that we do. And instead of thinking of it like that, I would probably want to switch you to think more about an experience. Not what do you do in sex, but where do you go in sex? What parts of yourselves do you connect with? What do you want to experience there? What do you want to express there?

[00:07:22]And then you will notice that for some people desire is autonomous as you say I come I'm ready spontaneous erection autonomous I don't need any prep I'm I'm go you know the majority of other people are responsive but they call it's what we call responsive desire meaning they don't come ready they are maybe sometimes open or willing that willingness you know I'm not always hungry I see you eating. I'm sitting next to you. It looks like it's quite good. I taste. I'm open. I'm curious. I'm want to see where this takes me. Slowly, I find myself. I take out a plate. I'm actually eating a whole meal. I wasn't really hungry to begin with, and I could have done without, but I'm happy I did it. You know that for you, instead of thinking, how do I get her to also be able to compartmentalize and be ready? I'm sorry to say it may not work and she's gonna get frustrated rather than your understanding that foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm. It's not a 5 minute before the real thing and you give and you >> say that again. Foreplay starts >> at the end of the previous orgasm, not just you know five minute before you get going.

[00:08:40]>> Absolutely.

[00:08:41]>> Yeah. This this is the thing a lot of men don't understand. You got to if you know that it's been a week, two weeks, you haven't had sex and you and and you know your body is itching, you know things you got to get, you're starting to get frustrated, you're starting to get antsy. Women can never understand this thing with men, right? Especially if you're a high testosterone man, you hit the gym, you're lifting weights, you know, your body is up is is working at an optimum level. And once your testosterone's high, man, your your dick is constantly screaming, "Hey, I I need a release. I need a release. I need to release." Women can never understand this. I always tell people that a woman gets hormonal once a month because she produces one egg, right? And that one egg that she produces, she goes freaking nuts. Don't touch me. Leave me alone.

[00:09:35]I'm miserable. Blah blah blah. Right? I say to women all the time, you can never understand the plight of a man who produces 850 million to almost a billion sperm cells per day. Day living, kicking sperm cells every single day. And he has to control that. He has to control his sexual urges. My wife Yeah. I She can't bend over in the kitchen, in the fridge, on over the stove. I'm gonna hump her. I'm That's just the way it is. I'm 60 years old and she's still going, "Oh my god, when are you going to stop, babes?" I just said, "Listen, the day I stop, you're going to freaking complain." And she's Yeah, probably.

[00:10:20]And she turns around, gives me a kiss, but that's the point. I hit the gym, I lift heavy. That's just the way it is, man. But women can never understand it because number one, her sex drive starts to drop significantly as well because because she's constantly distracted by three kids. And believe it or not, you get to a point, ladies, where you have what you call the the use it or lose it mentality that kicks in because once you start getting to that point where you're not deal when you're not activating that that sexiness in you all the time, you you freaking lose it. Your juices need to keep flowing. The body is designed to either use or lose. It happens with muscles. It happens with cardio. It happens with flexibility. It happens with brain power. It happens with sexual activity. So a lot of women don't understand is if they keep pushing the man away, pushing the man away, pushing, oh, I'm tired today, honey. I'm tired.

[00:11:21]I'm Oh, the kids have been driving. Will you stop? Will you stop? Eventually, you start to become even more impotent.

[00:11:29]Yeah, there is female impotence.

[00:11:32]>> So, not just, you know, five minute before you get going.

[00:11:37]>> Absolutely. So instead of thinking you are the norm and she's the problem, how do I get her to change? You understand that for a lot of people it's willingness that gets us going. And that is a wonderful thing. I'm open. I'm willing to see. And then here's the piece. A lot of relationships, male female relationships, you're going to tell me probably nothing turns me on more than to see her turned on.

[00:12:05]>> Yeah.

[00:12:06]>> Yeah. Love it. Yes.

[00:12:08]>> Now, it is most likely that she will say, "Whatever happens to him is kind of irrelevant to me because what is what gets me going is what happens to her, not what happens to you." And that means that she needs to be able to enter into her own erotic self. And that means that she needs to be able to let go of the role of model, caretaking, responsible, making sure that everybody's fine, worrying about the well-being of others.

[00:12:36]That is the essential liberation that any woman needs to feel. Especially when I hear what Christina just said about that biological instant response that she has to the kids. It's how do I allow that to recede and I trust that everybody's fine so that I can finally enter into myself and give myself the permission to think about me and experience my own pleasure. give her the permission to be slightly more selfish in the moment because desire is that attention onto me that says I deserve I can be I can enjoy and everything there is fine and that's how I can let go.

[00:13:15]>> So what she's saying is basically dude you got to take care of her. In other words, make sure she orgasms first.

[00:13:22]That's one thing I make sure first. I don't worry about myself. I want to make sure my wife is taken care of first so that she always feel that whenever she does make the effort to come back to the bed that she's pleased. It's not a disappointing experience. I'm just giving you some advice, gentlemen. And you know the reason why a man feel that it's her fault is because when you guys first entered into a relationship, you were like freaking rabbits. You're like, we're at it constantly. Every single one of us entered the relationship and started the relationship with an overwhelming urge to to just bang each other, right? The man's urge doesn't stop. So that is considered normal. When hers when her urge drops, that is looked at as abnormal. Anything that's abnormal technically means that that's the fault.

[00:14:15]That is the fault in the system. the system was working great when both of our urges were in in in intact and in unison. So, of course, the man is going to think, well, you're the problem. But here's a thing that a lot of women have to understand as well. You cannot just put all the effort into taking care of your kids. If you don't take care of the pillar that is holding up your relationship, including your kids, you're doing your kids a disservice. If that man that you're supposed to be taking care of as well strays or walks.

[00:14:52]Too many of you have decided that the most important part of my family is my kids. It is not. It is not. Ladies, the most important part of your family is the husband. Please try to understand that you're biologically connected to your kids. Fine. So is he. But the essence, the bedrock, the pillar of your relationship, the thing that is the the person who's holding up putting the roof over your heads and the child is the husband. So you so you cannot ignore the most fundamental part of the family. The man is the foundation, the roof. You're just occupying the space in between. If you don't take care of that, if you don't maintain that foundation, that those pillars and that roof, you and the kids are out. everybody, the entire family collapses. Now, I'm going to pause it right there. I found this amazing poem that this woman recited, and this is powerful. It really, really resonated with me, perceived through the woman's eyes. And I want you guys to listen to it so you can get inside the mind of a woman.

[00:15:56]>> Some women have never actually been touched. They have been consumed like cigarettes, like liquor, like something men reach for when they are lonely enough to confuse hunger with intimacy.

[00:16:11]That one day they may lie beneath somebody who swears they love them while feeling absolutely nowhere inside themselves. So she performs the little sounds, the arched spine, the performance of pleasure so convincing even she starts questioning whether her own body belongs to her anymore. Smile through it, soften through it, endure through it, even when her spirit is recoiling like burnt skin. And she knew, God, she knew the way women slowly evacuate themselves from their own body just to survive being desired by people who do not know how to hold anything gently. Some women have kissed men they were afraid of disappointing more than they were excited to touch. There are women walking around carrying sex inside them like a haunting.

[00:17:09]But because every yes was dragged out of them by guilt, pressure, fear of abandonment, or the exhausting ache of wanting to be chosen so badly they mistook surrender for love.

[00:17:24]You men touch women like thieves trying not to wake the house. Quick, hungry, careless, wanting access to the body without earning entrance to the person living inside it. Women feel that God, they feel that real intimacy does not make her feel borrowed. It does not require her nervous system to survive what her mouth technically agreed to.

[00:17:52]Real intimacy feels like being approached slowly enough that the soul has time to arrive before the skin does.

[00:18:01]But this world taught women to confuse being craved with being cherished. One makes a woman feel hunted. The other makes her soul no longer feel the need to leave the room to survive being touched.

[00:18:18]>> I thought that was powerful. That applies more to a single woman, not a woman who has committed herself to one man. But it does scream to a certain point that we men have to understand that women communicate sex a lot different than we do. We can easily jump on, hump it, blow a load, and jump back off. And some women will accept that and they can they can push away the the numbness that comes with it afterwards.

[00:18:46]Some women some women get excited. But when you're married, ladies, you have to look at sex as a bonding process between you and your husband. It's not all the time that you want to hug and nurture your child. But if the child goes, "Mama, mama," and you recognize their pain, you have to respond in kind. And even though you're tired and even though you're miserable and you're cramping or you're sore, whatever the hell it is, you have to nurture that child. And you have to look at sex the same way because men bond through sex. Not when he hasn't committed to the woman, but when he's in a relationship. That bonding process is essential. You have to keep that there.

[00:19:32]Please understand that, ladies. You can't ignore it. Let's proceed. I love what you said about where do you want to go? And I saw I saw something in your eyes. Where do you want to go and where what do you want to experience in this sexual encounter that it's not just about the act? Did that resonate with you, Christina?

[00:19:53]>> Tremendously. Because my first orgasm was with my husband.

[00:19:57]>> Hey.

[00:19:58]>> And I have to get there mentally.

[00:20:02]>> I'm being honest. Everything before him was performative, you know. And >> thank you. Now you see why I played you that video. A lot of women perform, but they have been told by society that they need to go out there and experience and they need to get [ __ ] down. I think they did a survey that like 80 or 85% of women who have had meaningless sex before commitment never had orgasms. A massive I think it was 90%. I'm not sure. I wish I could find that video.

[00:20:32]Most women never had orgasms during their whole phases. The majority of the time that they've went through sexual experiences, they never had orgasms.

[00:20:40]Just think about that. So all of that time wasted just getting some man to bend you over, put your knees behind your head just to walk away feeling, okay, I just got filled up by some random dude.

[00:20:52]>> I I like that E stair said to make it an experience again. like remember it's something that we share that nothing no one else you you know something supernatural happens and I feel it when we're there but initially it's I feel like it's a it's a chore to get there but if I can train my mind to think where do I want to go with him right now this is our secret place >> and train myself there I feel like I can like anything work a muscle again you know and tap into the erotic side >> but you need to be willing to ask for things what starts to happen when you're in that kind of a dance is that he says yay, you say nay. And your emphasis is on all the nays. And his emphasis is on all the yays. So it's about you asking, do I want to just relax? Do I want something more sensual? Do I want us to be naughty? Do I want to just have fun?

[00:21:41]Do I want to connect? Do I want to just be taken care of? All of these are places that we go in the erotic that have, you know, you can, as you just said, you can do a lot in sex and feel absolutely nothing. Women have done that for centuries.

[00:21:55]>> You know, in the erotic, you can do very little and feel a lot. But for that, you need to ask for certain things and know that you have someone who really appreciates it and welcomes it because then, you know, he likes to give. He likes to make you feel good. And even if it's just, you know, small little things, it's about pleasure, not about performance or outcome.

[00:22:19]>> This make sense?

[00:22:20]>> It it does. And what's interesting is one of the most challenging things about relationships and marriage in general has been communication.

[00:22:27]>> I mean sexual cander is really difficult, you know, and and here's the thing. The majority of people often fall in a trap where they think that they will want more sex from talking about all the sex they don't want.

[00:22:43]>> Okay, you got it.

[00:22:44]>> Yeah. You know, it's like we talk about the problem, we talk about >> Well, that's why women are reluctant like we have a conversation about it.

[00:22:50]We're going to talk about it. It's going to make you want more of it and I'm just trying to have a conversation about it.

[00:22:55]That's what you're saying, Christina.

[00:22:56]Yes.

[00:22:57]>> Yes.

[00:22:57]>> It does. Yeah. I just want to cuddle and it's going to spark. So, let me go to sleep.

[00:23:02]>> Cuddle leads to other things.

[00:23:03]>> Fall asleep. I'm just tired. But >> it's hard to just It's hard to just cuddle. I try to explain that to her because I want her morning, noon, night, >> from dusk till dawn. And if she's like, "Let's just cuddle." There are things that happen to me biologically as a man that just don't allow me to sit there and cuddle.

[00:23:23]>> Okay?

[00:23:24]>> So, you know, you know, maybe if I communicate that better, like what actually happens in those moments when you want to cuddle and things are happening, that can lead to pain. Um I I you know we could again communicate better in those ways.

[00:23:38]>> You know I've always given couples this advice as well. I said listen ladies you always say you're tired but do you realize that you don't really have to move do anything. Just lie there. Move your hips a little bit. That's it. Kiss your man. That's all. It's not a big experience for you. The man is the one that's thrusting. You're taking. Opening your legs isn't that hard. But the reward that you're going to get from that is tremendous.

[00:24:05]And usually once he starts, your body starts to wake up. But if you keep saying no, no, no, and your body keeps shutting down, like she said, the muscle gets weaker, then ultimately you'll just end up being an impotent woman. My friends, I'm going to lock it off there.

[00:24:21]Listen, this was an interesting conversation and I love how it's there basically just laid out. These are interesting conversation and I and I hope you guys enjoy it. Hey, listen. I'm gonna play you out with another song I created.

[00:24:37]Enjoy this one, my friends. Hey, I'm trying to get you guys motivated and I'm creating songs that will that will keep you uplifted, upbeat, motivated. That's the idea. All right. So, my friends, listen, remember I'm going live this Saturday, 8:00 p.m. New York time. I'm giving you ample notice so that you guys can remember to put it in your calendar, put on the notification just so that you can join me and you can ask me any questions you want 8:00 p.m. live this Saturday night and every Saturday night, New York time. Okay. Of course, join the school membership and you get private sessions as well. All right.

[00:25:15]Listen.

[00:25:18]They told you to grow old and sleep.

[00:25:22]They told you you've done enough.

[00:25:26]But a river that stops moving becomes a swamp.

[00:25:31]Do not let them stall you.

[00:25:35]Listen to the older man.

[00:25:40]We are moving or sitting down.

[00:25:44]Comfort is a truck that will make you drown. Lift the weight up high. Let the heartbeat sound. We are stretching the body. We are clearing the ground. Oh, comfort is the enmy.

[00:26:00]Listen to the other man. Protect your energy.

[00:26:11]They gave you a pension and a rocking chair.

[00:26:15]They want you to fade out into thin air.

[00:26:20]They say rest your bones. You are getting older. But that is how the fire in the soul grows cold. No, your muscles need the heavy iron low. Your feet need to run on the gravel road. When the joints want to lock, that is when you movement is a medicine that has no end.

[00:26:41]We are moving. No sitting down. Comfort is a drive that will make you drown.

[00:26:48]Lift the weight up high. Let the heartbeat sound. We are stretching the body. We are clearing the ground. Oh, is the enmy listen to the ornament. Protect your energy.

[00:27:07]la.

[00:27:20]Keep the mind sharp. Do not let it slow.

[00:27:23]Learn a new trick. Let the knowledge grow. If you use the brain in a different way, you keep the dark shadows of the mind at bay. Do not sit the ease.

[00:27:30]Do not sit the soft. Keep your head high and your chest all off. H is just a number on a piece of page. We are fighting like lions at an older stage.

[00:27:38]>> Move it, stretch it. Don't you sit down.

[00:27:43]Move it, stretch it.

[00:27:45]>> Don't you sit down.

[00:27:46]>> Iron doesn't rust if it's working.

[00:27:49]>> Don't you sit down.

[00:27:50]>> A man doesn't break if he's learning.

[00:27:56]>> We are moving on.

[00:27:58]>> Sitting down.

[00:28:00]>> Sitting down.

[00:28:00]>> Comfort is a trap that will make you drown. Lift the weight of high. Let the heart be sound. We are stretching the body. We are clearing the ground.

[00:28:13]Comfort is the enemy.

[00:28:16]Listen to the old man. Protect your energy.

[00:28:23]No sitting down.

[00:28:26]Lift heavy. Stretch more.

[00:28:30]Listen close.

[00:28:40]>> So my friends, until tomorrow, remember, >> whenever in doubt, ask an older man.

[00:28:55]>> Ask an older man.

[00:28:56]>> That's right. I'll see you soon. Cheers.