How dysfuctional relationships helped SAVE me financially

追加: 2026-05-15

[00:00:00]Never work your ass off for someone who doesn't want to be with you. Let's talk about it.

[00:00:15]I'm going to step out of my usual high energy mode. Believe it or not, I really do relax sometimes.

[00:00:21]And I was driving home this evening and I thought to myself, you know, it's good for us just to talk face to face. So that's what I want to do. I want to talk to you basically about something I reflect on a lot and that is how my financial situation in the time that I've been divorced and even before I was divorced in 2013. If I think of all my relationships that I've had all of them like I've had a ton. I haven't had that many relationships.

[00:00:50]Okay. But still the relationship that I had you in my 20s and then 30s then I got married in my late 30s was married for 10 years 15 years in a relationship but married for 10 years and then it's no secret on this channel he decided to divorce in 2013.

[00:01:07]Um, I thought about it and I came to realize that a part of me actually feels a little bit selfish, but maybe in a good way for the fact that the best gift that my ex, not just ex-husband, but all my exes, and this is not out of bitterness, let's make this very clear, but the best gift that they all gave me is that the relationship did not work out. I've only been married once, but again, in my 20s and 30s, I had a significant relationship each of those decades as well. But in reality, the best gift that those three people gave me that I've been in serious relationships with is they simply decided I wasn't the right person for them. And well, at the time it seemed just absolutely horrible and awful, like, what do you mean I'm not the right person for you? you know, look how hard I've worked, yada yada.

[00:02:09]But you begin to realize it it's not working hard.

[00:02:13]It's about working smart. And even in relationships, you know, we talk about how we have to work work hard for money.

[00:02:21]Okay? We we need to work smarter, not harder to earn money. Work smarter, not harder in your job. But I think in many ways we could apply the same thing, so to speak, to relationships.

[00:02:33]we need to work smarter not harder and during those time periods again not I'm not talking about any one specific relationship but just if I reflect on the three serious relationships I've had I had a few casual you know in between then but you know those were the college years and those don't count but the you know just just a small amount of serious relationships I've had there was one ingredient that I realized was really missing about me being able to work smarter, not harder. And that one ingredient that was really, really missing was my ability to believe that I could do it on my own, that I had the ability to be able to be successful on my own, that I did not need to attach myself to someone to get myself from point A to point B.

[00:03:31]And while I understand that people may go, well, you know, you got your student loan forgiven and you didn't do anything for that. H contr I I did. I worked very very hard and I continue to work hard as you know as a school teacher. And I think a lot of this reflective stuff is coming because in the end of this May, I'll be finishing my 20th year. And I and I've had time to really look and go, "Wow, you know, when I got divorced in 2013, if somebody had told me today, you know, your student loan will be taken care of, your little condo will be paid for." I mean, I deal with HOA assessments and all that, and that that's fine. You know, I work with that.

[00:04:05]No, but you got a little Toyota Corolla that's paid for. All of this stuff that's actually allowing me to breathe somewhat.

[00:04:13]and I live super super far underneath my means that I would even be able to build a little YouTube channel that helps me.

[00:04:20]Although, as you know, my YouTube channel finances are not mixed into my everyday living. YouTube is strictly I call it perfume money and savings money.

[00:04:31]But I realized that in these relationships that I had, I worked really really hard.

[00:04:39]But without believing that you can do it on your own, you can never ever work smart. You will only work harder. Cuz you see, a smart person realizes that, and I won't say which relationship it is cuz it's not important. But a smart person realizes that if the guy doesn't want to date you or he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but yet he wants your car that you own so he can go on other dates, that's really lack of self-esteem and confidence.

[00:05:12]And I realized that I would say yes to most crazy things. I mean, there was the one of the relationships he there was like a carport. Told you guys it's real casual. There was a carport at a rental house we had. It was actually kind of like a duplex and there was only one carport for our side of the duplex. And you know, he told me, "You park on the street because he paid more in rent."

[00:05:38]Not that he was paying significantly more. We're not talking, you know, he was paying a,000, I was paying 100. It was probably divide like I was paying 300, he was paying 450 respectively. In other words, the different wasn't the difference wasn't huge. But what I've never forgotten was when he said to me, "You park on the street." I was in my very early 20s. In fact, just about graduated from college. So, think you're 22, 22, 23, right about there. and he told me to park on the street so he could have the carport cuz I live in I live I lived in Oregon and it rained a lot and I remember just accepting it.

[00:06:14]And sometimes I think to myself, why did I accept this? I'm not saying that, you know, I I deserve the car covering any more than he did. But why was I so insecure? And just going, "Okay, you you you whatever you want to do, I'll just accept it. Whatever crap you throw at me, I'll just take it." And I realized this cuz I had no freaking belief that I could actually do anything.

[00:06:42]I had no belief that, you know, I could actually create something that would be healthy, that would be good for me. You know, we, you know, I've heard stories about, you know, women who talk about moms a lot who talk about they give and give and give and they give their kids, they give to their spouse, and yet they never take themselves over, you know, time for a makeover, time for themsel. I see it sometimes even in the friends I have, and I'm like, "Please take time for yourself." But I realized I could never work smart in my relationships.

[00:07:19]I only worked harder. And how did I work harder? I only worked harder by bowing down and cowtowing to whatever the other person wanted. Now, let's make this very clear. It's not to say that I can't, you know, and I I shouldn't help do the heavy lifting. Of course, I've worked my whole life. I've worked multiple jobs, even through bankruptcy, car repossession. I've tried to learn from my mistakes. I've discussed that extensively here on this channel. I I hide no behind no embarrassment. In fact, when I started this ch when I decided to talk about money and I changed from fitness to money because fitness is just a total bear to record.

[00:07:57]I absolutely hated it. So, I'm still way into fitness as everybody knows on the channel that follows me. But I decided to talk about money. And I remember thinking to myself, well, the first thing I have to do is I have to be able to tell you guys what my money mistakes were because how can I build any trust with you guys and the money mistakes that I've made if I can't confess it? I mean, I can sit here and I can talk about everybody else's money mistakes, but could I tell you guys what I did wrong?

[00:08:29]And the one of the biggest fears I had was that you would just that that the audience would not be receptive to my channel here on YouTube because they'd look and they'd go, "Oh my god, you know, she's had, you know, all these bankruptcies, a foreclosure. She's had divorce. She's had this. She's had that. I mean, who who who wants to listen to that?" And so one of the things that I had to do is I had to be willing to admit to you guys on camera, look, you know what? These are the money things I've been through. And it's because of these money things and these relationship things that I've been through that I really want to help other people not have to go through the same thing. Yeah. I do it in comedy. I do it as you know some of you say one of you says you know TCO always says in a very cheeky style but no matter the style of my delivery the message is absolutely to the heart. I say exactly what I'm thinking sometimes probably a little bit to my detriment and I have to be very careful to make sure I balance social media private life you know all of that stuff. I think I do a pretty good job at it.

[00:09:49]But sometimes, you know, I I guess like tonight, and hopefully I have the guts to upload this. All right. But like tonight, I sometimes just sit and I think, you know, when I think I'm so far behind what everybody else has. I don't have a big house. I I don't have, you know, a car that anybody's going to look twice at. I don't have a lot of the materialistic things. Then I stop and I realize, my god, I I I could have them if I wanted them. But the problem is that I also know what that type of debt feels like.

[00:10:28]And I'm so afraid of ever returning to that debt. Matter of fact, I won't ever return to it. It ain't going to happen.

[00:10:33]And I don't give a crap. And I've told you this before. I don't care if I have to file medical bankruptcy, I will. I think everybody has the right to file medical bankruptcy every 10 years if you need to. because I feel our health care system is so screwed up.

[00:10:46]But at times I think to myself, you know, how did I finally get here? And I realized, you know, one of the things that required it required that everybody I loved in a relationship to ultimately reject me. I know. And I realized that that that's what it took.

[00:11:07]And even though you know when I like when I was married and we were broke that was we were broke but I always believed and maybe you know maybe I feel a little guilty kind of sorry not sorry but I realized that the greatest gift that the people I've been in relationships with in my 20s 30s and through my 40s when I was married till I got divorced like I said in 2013 if I had stayed with any of those people I'd be flat.

[00:11:37]ass broke today and it wouldn't matter that I retire in 10 years and you know knock on wood everything going well. It doesn't ma it would not matter that I retire in 10 years with a state of Florida pension. It would not matter that if I could hold off social security till age 70 and I'm I'll be slated to have a little over 3,000 plus my savings account. None of that stuff and none of that that what is it? Money would matter if there's no plan. And I realized that the people I've been in relationships with, we never had a freaking money plan. We never even sat down and looked at budgets. And I can excuse that. Maybe in the 20s, you know, we're all kind of young, dumb, and everybody's, you know, sorting their life out. But I look back and go 30s, 40s, early 50s, we ever sit down and talk about money in a way that we were going to advance ourselves? No. But yet in my mind, in the back of my mind, as I was going through my 40s, I always knew that I was really a saver, but I was with a spender.

[00:12:48]The people that I dated were spenders.

[00:12:52]Yes, I understand. I've had bankruptcies. I got that. But that was in my 20s and 30s and then I had a foreclosure when I got divorced. I get to join that, you know, honor pride as well. But those financial things aside, I've always believed that who you are as a core, something that divorce taught me, who you are as a core, that the core being of you financially, that's going to reveal itself both during and after a divorce. And I say during because it reminds me of a quote that I read, you know, one of those self-help books. Like I'm not really big into self-help books, but you know, when you're going through a divorce, you know, you lean on kind of anything you could find. All right? But I I'm but like they were merely like short articles and stuff because I I don't have the ability to sit excuse me and read a really long book.

[00:13:46]But I realized that was it was a quote that said, "If you want to know who you're married to, divorce them and see how they act in a divorce."

[00:13:58]want to turn off the microphone so I don't cop in your ear. And I thought to myself, "Oh my goodness." So I reflected, how do I how did I act during the divorce? I was 100% a lady and I can tell you that very honestly. No, I I'm I'm a pretty uncomplicated person.

[00:14:13]Doesn't take a lot to make me happy. You don't have to buy me a bunch of bling bling and you don't have to take me to fancy places. Simple stuff, you know, a call during the day. Hey, just checking in on you. How you doing? I'm a very I'm actually very simple. I'm very down to earth. I'm a cancer. We like to be at home a lot. We don't need to travel the entire world. At least this little cancer does not. Okay. But I I realized that, you know, I worked and worked and worked really really hard in my relationships, but I didn't work smart.

[00:14:47]And I didn't work smart because I didn't believe in myself. So therefore, I could not detach myself from people who weren't going to be a compliment, so to speak, to my life. Now, this is not to say that we can't reverse it, and they can say, "Well, Carrie, were you a compliment to their life?" But all I can do speak from my perspective.

[00:15:15]And I look back at times, and I'm sure we do, and we go, "Why did I let that person treat me that way? Why did I allow that person to take my self-esteem down so low that I doubted every decision that I made? No, when I was in one relationship, I used to hide money.

[00:15:35]I did not hide money to be selfish. I actually hid money because I knew we were such bad spenders as a couple that we would eventually need the money to bail ourselves out. But here's the thing, and I'm saying this with the God's honest truth. As I got older and out of my financial hiccups with the bankruptcies and car repo, and I started learning about money, I realized fully that I was the saver and I had been with people who were spenders. And it is my belief is I, you know, I don't do Dave Ramsey commentary on here anymore. And believe me, I would I would love to, but like I've said, it's copyright issues, but at times I just go, "Oh my gosh, I really, believe it or not, don't listen to Dave Ramsey that much anymore." But in the shows that I've heard, a thought thought crossed my mind that never crossed my mind all these years. And that was, man, you know, if you're the with the wrong person, they can really mess you up financially. And it doesn't matter how hard you worked in the relationship, how well you raised the kids. You went to every school performance, parent conference night. You even held your own job. You helped do your spouse's job as well cuz because my spouse, my my ex-husband had a business and I helped with the business as well. Plus, I went got two master degrees. Plus, I worked my own full-time job. Okay? I mean, I may not have had kids, but I I feel like I've worked the equivalent of it a few times in my life. and not for a short period but for years. It's not a competition about who works hard. Hard work is hard work. Kind of like pain is pain.

[00:17:14]But I really I stopped this evening and I had that moment in the car and I thought, dang, I I would not be where I am today if they had not said to me, if past relationships had not said to me, no, Carrie, you're not the one. because my confidence just wasn't high enough for me to determine that I wasn't the right fit for them. And I realized today the person who I am now, I would look and go, "Oh, no. This is definitely not the right relationship. Thank you, but it's not going to work." And here's the kicker. It would have taken me years and years to realize it. I didn't need to be with someone for 10 years to realize it.

[00:17:56]I didn't need to be with someone for three years to realize it or even six months.

[00:18:01]the answers was were already there that that it it wasn't a match. So why did I say stay? Because I was so afraid of financially losing. I was so afraid of emotionally losing that I wanted to attach myself to someone even though that someone wasn't the right person. So, I sitting there thinking to myself, you know, because sometimes, you know, I feel like like I said earlier, I feel like I'm way behind. I'm behind what other people my age and younger have.

[00:18:36]And then I realized this evening as I was driving, I'm really not as far behind as I think. I'm really not. And I came to realize, you know, there are families that live on what I make.

[00:18:51]There are people who make six figures and I'm not that that far off from that.

[00:18:58]Maybe in a few years with more YouTube and stuff, okay? But I'm not impossibly far off between teaching and YouTube to get there. It it it is it is an achievable goal over the next few years to actually get there. Between teaching and YouTube, it is an achievable goal if YouTube doesn't kill me first. Okay.

[00:19:17]But I thought about it and I realized I'm I'm not as far off as I think I am.

[00:19:24]It just some nights you just feel like you're off. I hope that makes sense.

[00:19:31]And then I realized, you know, I've I've bought a few bottles of perfume that were a couple hundred just for fun. I updated my bed sheets and got some really comfortable cooling mattresses. And all of this stuff is paid for in cash. And I realized, you know what? Would I have really been better off and more wealthy if I had stayed with someone in a relationship that wasn't working and we looked like we were the part? Would I really be better off? No, I wouldn't be.

[00:20:04]And I know with all of those exes, again, like three, it's not that many, but work with me. If they had stayed with me, there is no way I would be sitting in the financial position I am today. And let's make this very clear.

[00:20:19]It's not about the money. But something that bankruptcies, auto repossession, and being flat ass broke has taught me, when you don't have it, it really hurts.

[00:20:31]When you don't have it, you feel like every freaking day you're waking up to a more bills, more bills. And yet I look at all those bills I've had over the years, all the credit card debt I carried over the years. You know what?

[00:20:42]All of that stuff was avoidable because let's get down to it. When in my 20s, what I have freaking rent, some water, some electric, maybe a few little clothes, car, car insurance.

[00:20:54]It was not the catastrophe that I built it to be through reckless spending.

[00:21:02]It wasn't. And if I could do all those years over again, I would have changed the type of people that I was with. I would have had the confidence to believe that I can create something on my own. Something that I hope to, you know, someday share.

[00:21:23]You know, I'm not a me me type person.

[00:21:25]This is mine. This is mine. I'm not I don't think I don't think like that.

[00:21:30]But I would totally redo it.

[00:21:33]And then I think to myself, wow, you know, and I might have been further along than where I am now.

[00:21:40]But then, you know, I also realized I'm right smack where I'm supposed to