The Empowerment Talk: From People-Pleasing to Self-Reliance | Miriam Staub & Liza Mammato RN

[00:00:00]Hey guys, I have my friend Liza here again. We had so much fun last time and I had to call you back.

[00:00:07]>> Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to be on again.

[00:00:10]I love doing this stuff. To be back here is just such an honor and to be talking to you. One of my one of my really close friends. I I love this so much. I'm so excited for everything that we're going to talk about today. And I got so many questions on DMs that people really wanted to know just random stuff about us. So I decided why not do an episode and you know get all the questions out.

[00:00:35]>> Woohoo. Let's do a fun episode. They're they're all fun. This is going to be our fun.

[00:00:41]>> More chill like less heavy, right?

[00:00:43]>> Yes. Super important. I love it.

[00:00:45]>> Yeah. Fun is part of the fun.

[00:00:47]>> Let's do it. Fun is what life is all about.

[00:00:50]>> Yeah. I feel like we forget to have fun and fun is just as important as paying your bills. I feel like >> Did you hear about um the the kids nowadays they're like all into maxing?

[00:01:02]So it's like fun maxing.

[00:01:04]>> No.

[00:01:04]>> Like let's fun. Yeah. Gen Z fun maxing.

[00:01:08]Summer summer of fun maxing.

[00:01:10]>> Okay. Let's fun.

[00:01:12]>> Fun max our lives. Let's do it. Let's do it.

[00:01:14]>> Absolutely.

[00:01:15]>> So the first question I've got, hopefully I remember it all. um was what do you what's a lesson that you have to learn the hard way?

[00:01:24]>> Oh my gosh, so many so many. Um >> what really sticks out, you know what I mean?

[00:01:29]>> Yes. Okay, so for me, one of the greatest lessons that I've ever had is with relationships. I think that a lot of people can relate to this.

[00:01:37]>> Being in relationships where I gave too much, I wasn't my authentic self. I'm lucky enough to be with an amazing partner right now in a committed relationship to where I've healed so much.

[00:01:51]>> I'm still healing from it. But in previous relationships, I attracted people into my life who needed a people pleaser.

[00:02:00]>> And when you're in the trenches, I always say when you're in the trenches of your own patterns, it's very difficult to see what's on the other side of it because you're fighting in those trenches.

[00:02:13]and coming out of that now I see giving myself the compassion and of course I had to I had to go through those lessons in order to become aware and until I really became aware of it and said I'm going to make a change in this peopleleaser pattern. I'm going to show up as my authentic self. That was when I started attracting the people into my life who wanted that for me. So, wow, that was a an extremely difficult lesson and I'm still trying to figure myself out and still trying to heal from that because >> sometimes it feels like you're still in the dark, but now you're aware of all these patterns, but you still don't have the lights on and you have like a flashlight and you're shining more and more of this room that you're in. Um, and I think that the key to it is having the right people around, having a good support system there, getting the help that you need through therapy, um, doing breath work, doing somatic energy work to to release that trauma, which is a huge thing, too. So, you can allow like the new thoughts and the freshness to come in. If not, you're stuck in that loop, right?

[00:03:24]>> Absolutely. And uh sometimes it's it feels like you're you're going back into the loop. Did you ever feel like when you're breaking your own patterns and you wake up one morning, you're like, I'm doing it. Like I know like I'm going to give myself all the grace. I'm going to give myself all the love. And then you're presented with this situation where it's like you have to speak up for yourself or you have to express your needs or um you have to disappoint someone. Oh my gosh. God for God forbid we disappoint someone.

[00:03:58]>> Talk about disappointing for a second.

[00:03:59]That is like oh my god if I disappoint someone it's over for me.

[00:04:03]>> Why is that?

[00:04:04]>> I don't know. It's the people I call myself a recovering people pleaser until I have to disappoint someone. Yes.

[00:04:09]>> And then I'm like back to square one.

[00:04:11]And I have found that as a recovering people pleaser.

[00:04:14]>> Yeah. Recovered. Recovered.

[00:04:16]>> Recovered. Recovered. Well, you know, sometimes it's still >> That's how recovered.

[00:04:20]>> It's still it's still a journey. I've come such a long long way.

[00:04:25]>> Um but I find sometimes I'm like it's like almost like a drug. Like I want to go back to it because it's so much easier.

[00:04:36]>> Yeah. But please like me. Like I'll do whatever you want. just so much. It feels safer.

[00:04:41]>> Exactly. But it's not. It's a It's a false safety >> because you're being untrue to who you are.

[00:04:47]>> You're being untrue to yourself. You're building resentment in your relationships by not being authentic.

[00:04:53]Um, and it is it's hurting your relationships because more than anything, I want a true I want a true relationship. I I don't want to lie to you. I don't want to lie to my partner.

[00:05:05]I don't want to lie to my sister or my family. Um, and I don't want to lie to myself. And that's where it starts.

[00:05:11]>> Yeah.

[00:05:11]>> Don't lie to yourself.

[00:05:13]>> So, for me, one lesson that was very hard to learn, uh, was basically I had a very close friend >> and red flags came up right away.

[00:05:23]>> Yeah. Yeah, I was like was like a little passive aggressive comments, you know, like was supposed to be compliment but it ended up being like passive aggressive >> and also like whenever something good happened to me it was like uh you know just brushed it away and I was like alarm then the red flag became an alarming red siren but I'm like no she's going through this and no you know like >> you're like no I can put aside my needs for this for her because I love her so much I'm not important.

[00:05:53]And then I was like, if I would have stopped it right away, the breakup would have been so much easier. But it got to a point where it was like it was not even, you know, wasn't cool anymore. So I had to like cut her cut her off.

[00:06:06]>> Yeah.

[00:06:06]>> And it was a very painful situation.

[00:06:10]>> So I feel like a lesson I could have learned much easier if I would have looked at the first red flag. And also one thing that's very important is people show you who they are the first time. Please believe them because you're like, "Oh, intent it's going to change."

[00:06:27]No, they are who they are.

[00:06:28]>> Unless they're doing something like real work, which most people are don't want don't really want to do.

[00:06:34]>> So if they're showing you who they are, that's who they are.

[00:06:37]>> So don't try to push down things that you don't like and oh this this not so bad because you know she's going through this, this is happening. She's showing you who she is and that's who she is. So like don't believe it.

[00:06:53]>> That's it.

[00:06:53]>> Believe it.

[00:06:54]>> I feel like as as a recovering people pleaser, I understand people pleasers and I can spot it from a mile away and I'm just like, "Girl, don't do it." No, >> but also um what what you said about >> ignoring the red flags and seeing them.

[00:07:12]Miriam, you are one of the smartest women I've ever met in my life. You you so are so smart and I know how aware you are.

[00:07:21]>> Yeah. And so we see these things, but because it, you know, part of being a people pleaser is that we're also so a lot of us are so compassionate and we really authentically want to see people supported and prosper and not we don't want to see them struggle or have any sort of like barrier in their way uncomfortable.

[00:07:43]>> Some people are like, "Hey, I spot a people pleaser here. I'm going to take all advantage of it." Mhm.

[00:07:48]>> Um, and you have to be aware of those people because they might take advantage of you.

[00:07:51]>> Abs. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Been there.

[00:07:54]Been there. And then I see them taking advantage of me and I'm like, "Oh, well, you know, something happened to them."

[00:08:00]And I'm sure that they'll figure it out.

[00:08:03]There was this meme I saw, by the way.

[00:08:05]Um, so, you know, I have a twin sister and um, she is my best friend. You have to meet her.

[00:08:11]>> Yes, she is. Um, she's a Raiki master.

[00:08:14]She's a master esthetician. Um she is planning on going to massage therapy um to really focus on oncological oncology massages oncology facials.

[00:08:25]>> Coffee day has to happen. I mean drainage. She's also wicked smart. Um >> and we are like I feel like we're like ying and yang and like we just like we make the puzzle pieces fit. She's amazing.

[00:08:41]And um so anyway, this meme that we were talking about, like we've both been through like a whole slew of relationships with, you know, everybody with men and friends and everyone >> taking advantage.

[00:08:53]>> Yep. And so, um I remember talking to her and I was like, well, you know, he's just so great and like look at all this stuff that he's doing and he he has the potential to be amazing.

[00:09:05]>> Potential. Oh, there's potential.

[00:09:07]>> Exactly. And she >> Yeah, it could be so much better. She sent me that meme. We were talking on the phone. She sent me that meme. She was like, "I just sent you something."

[00:09:14]And it was this meme. It was like one of those like girlfriend memes or something. And like uh the one when he she's like holding his hand and she's like looking back and it's like potential is like behind her and she's like, "Is the potential in the room with us right now?" And >> exactly.

[00:09:29]>> You know, >> like of course everybody has potential.

[00:09:34]Everyone has potential. But that goes back to believing what people say when they say it. Believing who people what your gut, trusting yourself. Um, when people show you who they are, >> also believing their actions, not their words.

[00:09:48]>> Yes, >> it's very easy to say things, but like you recognize their patterns and they're saying one thing and they're doing something else.

[00:09:55]>> So they could be saying things till tomorrow, but they're acting not what they're saying.

[00:09:59]>> That's right.

[00:10:00]>> Believe their actions, >> you know.

[00:10:02]>> Absolutely. And I think that um a little not really off subject but when people speak I have always thought that like my working theory right now it's a working theory I want to build on it is that when people speak they speak about themselves with anything anything that they talk about in their tone in um the words that they choose the subjects that they choose especially their point of view on the world >> right >> um so if somebody if you have something to say to someone or like you're in a relationship with someone and they like keep turning you down or they keep upsetting you um in a way or keep you know making you feel upset because all that stuff or um you know saying that you can't do something or something like that. It's because you know game recognizes game and their game is that they really feel like they can't do it.

[00:11:00]>> Exactly. When people speak, they speak about themselves.

[00:11:04]>> And if you really listen, you can find out a lot about the person that you're talking to right now.

[00:11:10]>> Exactly.

[00:11:11]>> Without even saying anything, without asking any questions.

[00:11:14]>> They usually say it pretty fast. Like you can right away tell.

[00:11:18]>> So that's a good lesson that we learned.

[00:11:21]Um believe people who they are when they show you who they are the first time.

[00:11:25]>> Yes.

[00:11:25]>> And maybe you wouldn't have to work that hard to learn the lesson over and over.

[00:11:29]>> I know, right? And like I always say, I and I was talking to my friend today too. Um like she said something like she was just having a bad day and she was like you know you must think that I'm a horrible person and because she didn't she didn't bring her cat to the vet the vet like first of all you're you're an amazing cat mom so stop. Okay.

[00:11:50]>> Um but she was like you you probably think that I'm a bad person. And I was like, "No, I love her so much that if I could go back in time and like stop all the lessons that I had to learn knowing what I did now because they hurt so bad."

[00:12:05]>> Yeah.

[00:12:05]>> And they like still like the trauma of learning those lessons is something that I'm still working on to release now.

[00:12:12]Mhm.

[00:12:12]>> I still wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to risk changing anything in my life right now because those lessons >> that's just part of >> the life that you are now. Right.

[00:12:24]>> Exactly. I can't I can't say for sure that there is some like divine thing out there where it's like oh I had to go through that. But the point and the fact is is that I did go through it.

[00:12:35]>> Yeah.

[00:12:36]>> That's life. I think I think it's everybody's first time, you know, gone through this life that we know >> and um you're just because somebody else has been through this and has a different perspective and might be like, you know, like stronger in some ways, it doesn't mean that like it your experiences are less than just because the world around you, you know, is is healed in a different way.

[00:13:04]>> Exactly.

[00:13:04]>> Like it's okay. It's always it's always like you getting stronger for you.

[00:13:10]>> I love that. Okay, that's so um I'll put some of the you know blame off of me for that.

[00:13:16]>> Oh my gosh. Yeah. Right. And I don't think that and I think that's another thing too. What do you think about >> um like feeling guilty because like we you know there's this notion that it's like oh we let this happen to ourselves like we walked right into it.

[00:13:31]>> Um yeah. So that's something that I I I still struggle with. Mhm.

[00:13:35]>> And I'm still working on it. Like, yeah, like blaming myself. Oh, like I didn't see that coming. I just literally walked into this trap. Like >> I should have known better.

[00:13:43]>> What do you think is the a good balance to have between taking responsibility and like being in the driver's seat um versus like knowing that like a lot of the things were out of your control?

[00:13:58]>> Um I think a lot has to do with self forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Um, and know that you're going to make mistakes and understand that you're human and you will make mistakes, but self-compassion, self forgiveness, and you know, just know that you're not perfect. And you know, it's easier to say as I'm saying it, I'm thinking to myself, oh, okay, maybe practice some of what you preach.

[00:14:21]But I do. I do. But I still have a long way to go with that.

[00:14:25]>> We all But we all have a long way to go.

[00:14:28]Yeah.

[00:14:28]>> And even it's always the next level. I think that like I know for me >> it's I'm always going to be growing and that's another thing I'm I I compare it to nursing and medicine. Yeah.

[00:14:42]>> Like I'm never going to be not in school. There's always going to be a class that I'm taking. There's always going to be a new book that I'm reading because it's constantly evolving.

[00:14:52]>> Evolution. Yeah. You're always evolving.

[00:14:53]>> We are always leveling up. We're always evolving.

[00:14:58]>> And that's a good thing. That's part of life. That's part of it. It's ex It is limitless. Like the universe, they say, is always expanding. We are the universe.

[00:15:10]>> And we're also always expanding, right?

[00:15:12]>> That's right, girl.

[00:15:14]>> I love that.

[00:15:14]>> Cool stuff. Chills.

[00:15:18]>> Um, and the next question was, what do you think about today that um you thought differently 10 years ago?

[00:15:28]Um, okay. So, there's I mean there's so many things that I think about today differently than 10 years ago.

[00:15:36]>> Okay.

[00:15:36]>> Um, my career.

[00:15:38]>> Um, the way that I view money.

[00:15:42]>> Oh, >> love and relationships. Let's talk about the way that I view money now.

[00:15:45]>> Yeah. That that's that. Let's hear that.

[00:15:47]>> Okay. So, 10 years ago 10 years ago I was 20 years old.

[00:15:51]>> I had no concept of money. You know, I'm sure that has to do with not having a fully developed frontal lobe yet.

[00:16:00]>> Yeah. Until 25, I think that's when you >> Yeah, I blame everything on that. I'm like, "Oh my gosh, what was I thinking?"

[00:16:05]I'm like, "Ah, no frontal lobe."

[00:16:07]>> Whatever.

[00:16:08]>> Don't blame you. Blame blame my frontal lobe.

[00:16:11]>> Yeah. It wasn't developed, guys. Like, of course, I was doing that.

[00:16:14]>> Expecting.

[00:16:16]But so I you know I had a lot a lot of less responsibilities then I you know moved out now 10 years later I I moved out from my parents house. I um uh have my own bills and all this stuff that all that stuff is really normal and everything. Um it was not something that I think I fully understood um when I was 20 years old. understanding savings, understanding investments. Um, you know, and also I grew up with this idea that money is evil.

[00:16:59]>> Money is a source of all evil, right?

[00:17:01]>> And people who, you know, people who are really rich, well, you know, like money is evil being greedy.

[00:17:08]>> Yeah. You know, and so, but that's not true. That's so that's such a falsified thing. It really is.

[00:17:14]>> And I wasn't seeing that there is a world of abundance and seeing that like that the people, you know, people come from all walks of life, right? And when you see something that you want, they say that it's already inside of you. When you are like, I want to I want to be like this person, you know, I want to be kinder. I want to be more loving.

[00:17:42]I want to be the most beautiful person that I can be inside and out. You know, they say that you can do it. And um I just listened to this TED talk. Um this woman said something about when you when you when the most powerful thing now I remember. Okay. The most powerful the the reason that people fail isn't because or no the reason that people succeed >> is because that they believe in themselves.

[00:18:21]>> Yes.

[00:18:21]>> They be and it's not because believing in yourself is the all key master but it >> it is connected to the amount of effort that you put in to to what you're doing.

[00:18:34]And if you can hold that effort for a longer time because you know you can do it. I mean how how much more willing are you to do something? How much more excited are you to do something when you know that the outcome is going to be you're like I can do this.

[00:18:51]>> Yeah. We can do it as long as you know we have time is not a problem. We have enough time. If you believe that you're anyways going to succeed and have that like like unrelenting belief like of course I'm going to succeed.

[00:19:02]>> Exactly.

[00:19:02]>> You'll do it. If you know you can pick up the bat and hit a home run, you're gonna do it.

[00:19:08]>> Yeah.

[00:19:10]>> You know, but here's the thing is that when you swing the bat for the first time, you might miss the ball.

[00:19:15]>> Exactly.

[00:19:15]>> But you're like in your head, you're like, I know I can hit this out of the park. Like I know it's just a matter of time. I know it in my >> And another thing I want to say about like money, like people money in the right people's hands >> is the best thing.

[00:19:29]>> Yeah.

[00:19:29]>> And I also feel like money is great for your nervous system. I know. It's like coming back to it. But having, excuse me, having your bills paid and having some extra and having financial freedom is actually fantastic for your nervous system. It's going to you're better at night. You know, you're not being >> spiritual by being poor. And not that it's a not that you like, you know, if circumstances happen, but if you're intentionally thinking that it's being like being poor is spiritual, which I think that's might be a little controversial. I might be getting some hate for this, but I really do believe that um money could be amplified and do a lot of great things. Money can get water to people in Africa. It can get people um you can give that money to people that going to be evicted from their apartments. Um there's so many ways money can help.

[00:20:18]>> Um and also treating yourself, you know, respecting and treating yourself. I think it's all around fantastic.

[00:20:24]>> Oh yeah. I mean, I know it's some people can can use it for for bad, but I think it's money is also amplifies whoever you are. So, if you're a good person and you're a kind person and you add money to that, you'll be even kinder.

[00:20:39]>> And I've seen that.

[00:20:40]>> Amplify it.

[00:20:40]>> I've seen that in my business partner.

[00:20:43]I've seen that in um in people who are who have come from nothing.

[00:20:49]>> Yeah. and now are, you know, like making like close to like seven figures or, you know, more than seven figures.

[00:21:00]>> And they they really a lot of thing a lot of things about these people is that they're also super grounded. And to go back about what you said about money amplifying you, >> money, you know, me believing 10 years ago that money is like like Yeah. It's like, "Oh, well, I don't want to like talk about it or anything like that because it makes >> I hate talking about money. They're bad.

[00:21:21]I talk about their weight."

[00:21:22]>> It's like talking about not about the money.

[00:21:24]>> Exactly. It's like saying that like the tools in your toolbox are bad.

[00:21:28]>> Exactly.

[00:21:29]>> You know, like And yeah, you can listen, you could use a hammer or a screwdriver to like, you know, bounce on somebody's toe and like give them like a like a >> or build a house for someone, right?

[00:21:39]>> Yes. Yeah. It's the same thing. It's the same thing with money.

[00:21:42]>> Um, and I can say now that I love I love money. It's not >> I'm not like it's I'm not like super mo I found that I'm not super motivated by money. It's not like the thing that motivates me. What motivates me is sharing my art, sharing my craft, um my love for aesthetics, um my um like the treatments that I do. I love showing people um you know what like the helping them reach their goals when they come into um the med spa. I don't know if everybody knows, but I also work and am a partner in a medical spa. Yeah.

[00:22:18]>> Um along with >> That's why she looks this whole globe that's happening.

[00:22:21]>> Oh my god. Yeah. Thank you so much. Um but I do all the treatments on myself so that I know what people are expecting.

[00:22:29]>> Yeah, you're like a walking advertisement.

[00:22:31]>> Oh, you're so Thank you so much. Um but I I love it. I love it so much. And I think that part of the reason why our spa is so successful is because we are all motivated by giving people um like the best that they can have their confidence back, right?

[00:22:49]>> Showing them because like we want to see the confidence in ourselves, right?

[00:22:52]People tell you who they are.

[00:22:54]>> I want to see I want to be confident. I want to see the confidence in you. If I'm like I want to see the conf if somebody came up to me and was like I want to see the confidence in you. I want to see you succeed. here are the tools that you need to succeed. I'm gonna help guide you along the way. I'm gonna be like, "This person knows what they are about because they see the they want to see me confident." Guess what?

[00:23:13]Game recognizes game. They're confident.

[00:23:16]I know that.

[00:23:17]>> There you go.

[00:23:17]>> They're holding my hand and through this journey if I need it.

[00:23:20]>> Um because they support themselves. They want to support me. If you know how to give it to yourself, you can give that to other people.

[00:23:28]>> There you go. So now the now the question for me, I'm going to answer my the question for myself. What do I believe now that I didn't believe in 10 years 10 years ago? So, I was scared of getting older. I thought it's lame to be old and you know when I when I was in my you know when I was 25. Now I'm thinking I love getting older. I It's so much fun. First of all, there's so many things I don't care about. Like I used to obsess about like what people think of me and and this and that. That's out the window. And it's so freeing. I'm like, "Whatever you think of me, that's really like not my issue." And I used to like be the exact opposite. And I feel as I get older, I'm much more grounded.

[00:24:11]I um understand things differently. I'm more I know my what my goals are. I mean, me in my 20s, hot mess express.

[00:24:22]It was only last year and for me and I'm still like, "Oh my god, >> it really gets better."

[00:24:28]>> No frontal load. I know. No, no. But I was all over the place and I was like, I'm just thinking back. I know who I really think that getting older has a bad rep. I think it's fantastic.

[00:24:40]>> Yeah. I'm in the industry where um there is a lot of uh dishonesty in the beauty industry, in the cosmetic industry. I think that we're coming, I hope I'm an optimist, that this industry is evolving into the world where we're helping to empower people and not prey upon their insecurities, especially young girls.

[00:25:02]How many times do you I feel like this is so relatable. When you were a teenager, when you were in your 20s and you're like looking in the mirror, you're like bodychecking everything. You're like so uncomfortable and what you're wearing. You're like, "Oh my god, like my face feels so oily.

[00:25:21]I don't know what to do." And >> you're so awkward and insecure when you're younger. I I feel like get so much better as you get older. You grow into yourself.

[00:25:29]>> Exactly. And I feel like there is no prime. Like you're always in your prime.

[00:25:34]Like you can always be in your prime.

[00:25:37]>> But it does get better if you do the work. As you get older, please believe me, it does get better. Yes.

[00:25:43]>> Honestly, this is the best for me now.

[00:25:45]Mhm.

[00:25:46]>> I mean, and I'm I'm looking forwarding to get older. Can you imagine? Like 10 years ago, I would be like, "Who wants to get older?"

[00:25:53]>> Like, "Let's see what's coming up."

[00:25:55]Like, >> yes.

[00:25:56]>> Like, the best is still yet to come.

[00:25:58]That's what I feel.

[00:25:59]>> And who are we? I'm so excited because I know that like next year I'm going to have a totally different perspective on things. Um, a like a more like a growing perspective, something that's stronger than what I even think. Now, I'm still in like the beginning of, you know, like the aging process. And so, I I have a long way to go. Uh when people come into the spa and they're telling me about their concerns of aging, like the signs of aging, I really have to listen because I I I will experience them.

[00:26:32]>> Yes.

[00:26:33]>> Um but it's not something that I've experienced yet. Although I can say that because I know so many gorgeous older women in my life. Um Miriam, you're not much older than me, but you are absolutely gorgeous.

[00:26:50]>> Thank you. But I am actually I'm going to be 39.

[00:26:53]>> You're going to be 39.

[00:26:54]>> 39.

[00:26:55]>> Is 10 is is nine years a long time though? Is that like what is like considered?

[00:27:00]>> I feel like um um my friends are in all ages. I feel like I I resonate with certain people more. I can have 70-year-old friends and like 30-year-old friends and 25y old friends. I feel like it has to do with who you are.

[00:27:12]>> Yeah. What really, And this is my question for you. What What What is it that used to scare you the most about aging?

[00:27:21]>> Um I thought I was going to be irrelevant. Like, you know, I'm just going to be older like a wrinkly woman.

[00:27:27]I'm just going to be like knitting and joining a I don't know, gardening class, which is also which is cool. Actually, I'm I'm I'm looking forward to that.

[00:27:36]>> Yeah. Off grid.

[00:27:37]>> When we go off grid, when we go, >> but I'm saying like I feel like I have so much more um I'm more grounded. I have more >> wisdom, I would say. Like I grew I have so much more life experience and I understand what's important and what's not. And what used to like demoralize me 10 years ago, like for example, feeling awkward. Oh my god, this is this looks weird. Now I'm like whatever.

[00:28:04]>> And I never thought it was going to get to that point because it was all consuming at that point.

[00:28:08]>> Yes. The allconsuming body checks, the allconsuming like thoughts and >> what's everyone going to think of me and then Yes.

[00:28:17]>> Yeah. How do you a lot of about your looks I feel like really care way too much and like it really consumes you and also you get like bullied by your friends and more and now I'm like oh if I see something that I don't like I'm out of here.

[00:28:30]>> I never had that. I was talking to my dad the other day. We were drinking coffee.

[00:28:35]>> And your dad's awesome.

[00:28:37]>> I love my dad. Everyone loves her dad.

[00:28:39]Shout out to Joseph Basil Mato. Um the best dad in the world. He's awesome. He, you know, he did a lot for my sister and I. He like pretty much raised us like by himself as a single dad. Props to him.

[00:28:52]>> Um we were not.

[00:28:53]>> You love him so much. Whenever you talk about him, I see your eyes twinkled.

[00:28:57]>> But anyway, we were talking.

[00:29:00]I love him.

[00:29:00]>> Yeah. I love my dad. We were talking um yesterday and I was like, I'm going to retire by the time I'm 45. And he was like, 45, you're just going to be hitting your stride.

[00:29:11]>> Exactly.

[00:29:12]>> You know, he's so true.

[00:29:14]>> He's like, you're not going to want to stop when you're 45 years old.

[00:29:17]>> I never want to retire. I feel like, you know, I always want to work with my clients. I want to be 75 and working with new clients.

[00:29:24]>> I I feel like I I feel the same way about it. And especially now that he told me that, I was like, "Oh my god."

[00:29:31]Like, he's right. Like, I I first of all, I have so much to learn. I have so many more classes to take. There's so much in aesthetics. There's so much in medicine and wound care, all that stuff.

[00:29:42]>> And um you know, so like now, like 15 years down the road, like, oh my gosh, I am going to be really hitting my stride.

[00:29:49]that might be the first year that I can be considered some sort of like like proficient like quote unquote whatever a master is at like their craft by the time I reach that I'm like wow oh my gosh and why would you want to stop? Why would I why would I mean like you know some people maybe that's right for them but I know for me for what I'm doing and for what I want to give like I'm never ever gonna be able to or I'm never going to have I'm never going to want to stop like giving like and adding to the world.

[00:30:20]>> Exactly. And and that doesn't come with any age limit.

[00:30:23]>> So thinking like 10 years ago thinking oh wow once I reach this point like I'm done. Yeah, >> that was so silly. But like, you know, >> I know. It's so It's so crazy. And I feel like it's all about like having the role models in your life to show you that like you can be like 80 years old and run an iron man. They just had one of the women the oldest woman to ever run and finish a like a true like Iron Man. She's like over 80 years old.

[00:30:54]>> No way.

[00:30:55]>> It's incredible.

[00:30:56]>> I love that.

[00:30:57]>> It's incredible. And if you keep your fitness up and and you have good support systems and good friends around you, like you can really live a full life.

[00:31:04]There's no age limit. Oh, you're turning 35 or you're turning 40 or any type of like and that's it. No, that's the beginning of a new thing.

[00:31:10]>> It's like I'm going to put like this wall. By the time I'm like by the time if by the time I'm 30 I don't have this, well then I don't even know like >> what that's that has to go out the window.

[00:31:21]>> Exactly. Yeah.

[00:31:24]You're right. And there is no age limit.

[00:31:26]Like there are I feel like to look and examine the patterns that we have and the limits that we put on ourselves. It might not even be something that we that we know.

[00:31:40]Some it might be something brand new that you weren't even thinking of at that point. Right.

[00:31:44]>> Yeah. Um so like with these we've been talking a lot about like the limits that we put on ourselves. They're like invisible patterns that, you know, we need to become aware of. I really want to work on these patterns and I know that there are a ton of people my age and I mean everywhere who want to become aware and they want to, you know, live the best lives that they can be. How can we what is something that we can do to really tap into that and become aware of patterns? Okay, first of all, number one is self-awareness, right? So you already have the self-awareness. So you're already step one.

[00:32:20]>> And then I would say once you realize that you are doing the action that you that you're doing, you're stepping back into the pattern.

[00:32:29]>> You take a moment, realize, okay, now I'm I want to default into my pattern.

[00:32:34]That takes a lot of self-awareness, but you already there. Now what we're going to what are we doing then at that moment? Let's say we want to go back to our old behavior. We want to start people pleasing. we want to start numbing out like with shopping or or whatever else. You know, everyone has their own vices.

[00:32:52]We're going to take a minute and ask like close our eyes and ask ourselves what do we really want?

[00:33:00]>> What do we actually really want? We don't really want to like do the things that we usually do. We might want connection with someone. We we might want compassion from someone else. We might want like some time we're overworked. Do we want to go for a walk in in nature or just I don't know go swimming do something for yourself like interrupt the pattern at that moment >> and then come back like after you did that other action that you don't normally do and come back and think to yourself wait do I still want to go back to my old patterns >> and the answer is usually no because you start feeling good you filled yourself up >> God that's so cool um yeah I'm going to start doing that what do you think about I just had this thought. Okay. So, like if we want to become aware of patterns that we're doing, what if we just thought, okay, I'm going into autopilot, but it's like a conscious autopilot.

[00:33:57]>> And so, you go you you go about your life, >> you know, kind of like maybe like in some sort of meditative state >> and um maybe like you go and you're with like really really safe people and like you tell them like, "Hey, like listen, I'm going on autopilot. I'm just going to talk the way that I would usually talk. I'm not going to like judge all the emotions that come up. I know that when I start people pleasing Yeah. like my signal is that I start getting really anxious >> and so like just >> body sensation and usually feel that.

[00:34:29]>> Yeah. So like go and like like if we go and we talk to safe people and I start and it like starts coming up then you can kind of like tap in and maybe be like aware and be like oh my gosh like you know now you're like running in autopilot. You're like just letting the machine run, you know, with the patterns, the default patterns that it just the grooves are already set for.

[00:34:51]>> Um and maybe through that way you can become even more aware of it too.

[00:34:57]>> Exactly. I love it that you're saying that you start feeling anxious. So, another thing like you start feeling you're going into the default um patterns, start thinking of what kind of s sensations do you usually feel and also maybe call a friend like call up a safe friend and be like and you can be like, "Oh, I'm starting to feel like I'm going back into myself into my self-sabotaging ways." Um like remember what I told you beforehand. Can you help me out now?

[00:35:24]>> Um you know, and she can do the same to you. Yeah.

[00:35:27]>> So, that's community work.

[00:35:29]>> I love it. Yeah. Yeah. Having a um support system that that you trust is so important >> and they all want to grow together. H that's the best. It really is.

[00:35:39]>> Um another question that I have for you, >> okay, >> is what do you do when something that you know if you it stops you from reaching out because you feel like a burden? What is something that you can do to get to to overcome that challenge? like I have this great support system support system and I know that I trust them. Um but I still am not like at the point where I trust myself enough to you know reach out to them because I still have that pattern of like oh my god what if what if they think this? What if they what if I am too much for them?

[00:36:15]>> Um that's selfworth. So your self-worth is low. So I would first do something for myself to get myself feeling like I'm worth well.

[00:36:25]>> Love that.

[00:36:26]>> So um it could be I know it's very cliche like looking in the mirror and telling yourself like I'm enough.

[00:36:33]>> Well I wouldn't say cliche I would say classic like that's that's a classic but like that helps you. Yeah.

[00:36:42]>> Um do something first do something nice for yourself >> and start literally tell yourself I'm worth it. I am worth it. I am enough.

[00:36:50]>> And I am worth for people to help me and they want to help me.

[00:36:55]>> You can write it down.

[00:36:56]>> Yeah, >> you can talk to yourself in the mirror.

[00:36:58]That's mirror work is very powerful.

[00:36:59]It's not fun, but it's powerful.

[00:37:02]>> And then once you start feeling a little bit better about yourself and you start feeling more worthy, >> then you can reach out to your friend.

[00:37:08]>> I feel like I am just stepping into understanding how worthy I am with things.

[00:37:15]>> You're so worthy. Thank you. So are you.

[00:37:18]>> I'll call you all day long. No problem.

[00:37:20]Like how many times I'll put it on repeat. Like I'll send you lots of messages.

[00:37:24]>> Thank you.

[00:37:24]>> You're worthy of your love.

[00:37:25]>> Thank you. And it has really changed a lot too. It's Yes, it is. Um Yeah. I mean like it's just >> I love that.

[00:37:34]>> Yeah. It's the best >> because I want you to see you how I see you, how everyone else sees you. And I don't think you always see that.

[00:37:40]>> Yeah.

[00:37:40]>> And it's sometimes like hard to watch someone not seeing that. Like oh you don't see that. like everyone sees it >> and I've told other people too and usually if you know like and you probably know me now that I I like am so weird and goofy and >> in the best way.

[00:37:57]>> Yes. I accept it about you. I love being weird and goofy.

[00:38:01]>> That's so fun.

[00:38:02]>> Yes. Yeah.

[00:38:03]>> One of your funnest qualities.

[00:38:04]>> Thank you. And I keep it.

[00:38:06]>> Thank you. I will. I will. I will. Even though there have been times where I'm like am I too goofy for this? I'm like cracking jokes like >> you hear yourself say something and you're like I say that like that was risky.

[00:38:16]>> That's the interface you feel.

[00:38:17]>> I hope every like no one's laughing at that joke. um except for me and um you know like I have told people that I've told my sister, my family, my partner, if you could only if you could pop my eyes out, put them into your head and look in the mirror and see yourself the way that I see you, you would never ever doubt yourself again.

[00:38:40]>> That's so true. I love that exercise.

[00:38:43]>> Yeah. Yeah. Little creepy with the eyes popping out of the head, but we can pop them back in.

[00:38:48]>> She's a nurse. She knows how to do that.

[00:38:49]That's fine. That's fine. Totally.

[00:38:51]>> Yeah. Um sometimes, and that's another thing, you need that support system because you can't always see it. The same thing.

[00:38:58]>> Support system is so so important. It's one of the you can't heal alone. It's not possible. As much as self-worth, self um um regulation, you want you have to do you have to have people around you that are really safe and really want to see you get better.

[00:39:12]>> Oh, yeah.

[00:39:12]>> And and with no other agendas, only really being there for you. Mhm.

[00:39:16]>> Not like you can do that for me or whatever.

[00:39:19]>> Yep.

[00:39:20]>> Really really meaning like the best for your wellbeing >> and people are not perfect. So I feel like you know understanding that they are not always going to get it right. Right.

[00:39:34]>> You know I would say that for me getting the preconceived notion of like well this person needs to say this to me they need to do this for me. Um, not everybody, you know, speaks the same language. People, you know, if they want to comfort you, they might comfort you in a way that is really comforting for them, you know, which might be like a hug or a kiss or like making you a warm meal and you're just like maybe you're not like a touchyfey person. You're like, uh, no, that's not it. Um, so like communicating that but also knowing that that person, you know, well maybe they don't speak the same language as you like in comfort, >> like they are trying to comfort you right now. You know, sometimes we need to get out of our comfort zones a little bit more to see where people are coming from.

[00:40:26]>> Yeah, that is true. when they're trying to help us >> and and and sometimes also we need to allow people to comfort us because sometimes you're very hypervigilant especially if you had trauma and you're like no I'm fine I'm fine >> or you have low selfworth >> or Yeah. which also comes from trauma usually.

[00:40:43]>> Um and then allow people to help us which is not always easy.

[00:40:47]>> Yeah.

[00:40:47]>> Because especially if you're hyper independent.

[00:40:49]>> Oh yeah. Um that let's talk about hyperindependence.

[00:40:53]>> Yes. What is your experience with being hyper are you are have you are you growing from hyper independence as a woman?

[00:40:59]>> Um uh if there's a poster for hyper independence I would be on it.

[00:41:04]>> I think I have it in my room. It's hanging up right next to my doorway when I wake up I'm like hyper independence.

[00:41:13]>> Yeah. For me I I have this notion that I have to do everything myself and whatever I do is like it's not done until I do it. M >> and um I for me it is sometimes hard for me to allow people to help me.

[00:41:26]>> Yeah.

[00:41:27]>> Because I'm I'm used to doing everything myself.

[00:41:29]>> What is that connected to on a deeper a deeper le level?

[00:41:34]>> Um a deeper level is also feeling like a burden. And like I said, I I'm completely like relate with you. I feel like I don't want to be a burden to anyone with any of the issues that I have or any of the help that I need. And as long as I do it myself, I'm I'm safer. I'm not gonna get hurt. Yeah.

[00:41:51]>> Yeah. It's like I can rely on me and you know, but then you I burn myself out because I can do everything myself. So I I have to say in the last couple of years I've really allowed more people in.

[00:42:03]>> Good. Yeah, that's amazing.

[00:42:05]>> So I I call someone if I feel bad or and I also allow people helping me like physical stuff like you know hiring more help or I don't have to do everything myself all the time, you know.

[00:42:17]>> Yeah. Yes. I have gotten better with that.

[00:42:20]>> I feel like hyperindependence, feeling like a burden, low self-worth, the you know self selfisolating tactics and like patterns all connected.

[00:42:32]It is like a very thin line. They're all they're all connected by the same web really.

[00:42:37]>> Yeah. It it's basically um I don't want to be a problem.

[00:42:41]>> Yes.

[00:42:41]>> You know what I mean? I have to I want to only be giving. I never want to be the problem end and cause other people to have to go out of their way to help me.

[00:42:50]>> That's something that's hard for me to accept. But I my only way that I've gotten better is by allowing other people to help me.

[00:42:58]>> And it is like the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.

[00:43:01]>> It's like, oh, in the beginning it's like chewing glass.

[00:43:03]>> Yeah. And it's a practice. It's just like um you know like when we go to the gym and we lift weights >> even if we know that we can lift that weight sometimes it's hard because we don't understand the movement >> and now when like people are helping you and you're allowing them to help you for the first time. You have no idea how to do it. You're like I never learned how to jump rope like and now I'm trying to jump rope like this is the first time.

[00:43:28]>> How do you expect yourself to do something that you never did before?

[00:43:30]>> You have to practice. You have to train.

[00:43:32]You have to train to help have people help you and do >> so once you get that muscle I feel like once I develop that muscle more of allowing people to help me >> um it gets easier.

[00:43:42]>> It does.

[00:43:42]>> Yeah. Now I understand someone I can ask someone to help me. I can you know it's it's not the most comfortable but it's it's doable already.

[00:43:50]>> Breaking the pattern and uh learning these new these new skills and normalizing what you know feels normalizing what feels good. Normalizing >> Exactly. that you know you that we're you know we're pack animals and we're supposed to have people that help each other and like we're supposed to love each other and part of that >> social animals exactly >> is having people able to and you being able to accept love from other people.

[00:44:17]It's a it's not a one-way street. It's always >> you can't always give. It's like if you're always breathing, imagine you just breathe out and you're not breathing in.

[00:44:26]>> You have to breathe out and you have to breathe in, right? You have to give and take. If you're only breathing out, you're you're going to die. If you're only breathing in, you'll explode with air. So, breathe in, breathe out, give and take.

[00:44:37]>> It's Yes, it it's it's exactly that.

[00:44:40]There's so many little metaphors and >> Oh, when it comes to metaphors, >> I know. and like uh like like lessons in the world around us >> where it's like it I mean like the seasons like having different eras in your life and like night and day like we're constantly the world is constantly trying to show us like hey look at the natural way that things are supposed to be like you know like >> but at the same time you know having those lessons and living our lives the way that we live them and being a human and being imperfect. Like you know I said before like I don't think that there is like I can't say for sure like oh this happened to me for a reason but I can create the reason why it happened.

[00:45:29]>> Yeah. You can you can always put meaning to it.

[00:45:32]>> Yeah.

[00:45:32]>> And you wouldn't be here today if not for those for those things. Right. Mhm.

[00:45:37]So that's a good >> and I would never change it because >> I wouldn't want to risk not meeting you and being here right now and having a good time.

[00:45:46]>> Yeah.

[00:45:48]>> So um the next question that we got um was how come people some people really heal from whatever hardships or trauma they went through and some people stay stuck?

[00:46:01]>> That's the last question that I have and >> oh my gosh that's a really good question. I feel like the level of difficulty in these questions have like just gone like get ready for the final.

[00:46:09]>> And by the way, keep asking the questions. I love it.

[00:46:12]>> I love it too. I love it too. Questions are everything. They're there. You know, talk about cliche. There's no such thing as a stupid question. Yeah.

[00:46:21]>> I really believe that. Like I don't just say that. I'm like if you don't know how if you're like I forgot how to walk.

[00:46:27]I'll be like say less like you need you don't you don't know how to take one step. Like how do you take one step? I got you. There's no stupid questions.

[00:46:34]>> Exactly. There really is no stupid questions.

[00:46:36]>> Absolutely. Okay, so this is a really good one.

[00:46:39]>> Yeah, that was >> um So, we're looking at Repeat it one more time for me because I got to hear it again.

[00:46:45]>> So, why do some people stay stuck in the hardships or trauma that they went through and some people learn from it, grow, and then thrive and then become a whole life?

[00:46:55]>> I think that we answered this question.

[00:46:57]We just answered it.

[00:46:59]>> I was thinking the same thing.

[00:47:00]>> I was like, we're ahead of the game. And that is and we're going to say the same thing but giving meaning to it because we're in the driver's seat. We are the ones who are put we're creating our own lives and uh it's it's maybe it's not like as literal as like I'm painting a picture but it is like I am presented with all these different decisions in front of me like whether it's subconscious or conscious and I'm going through these hardships and struggles and it's it hurts so bad, but >> I'm gonna come out of this. I'm gonna believe in myself. And you know what?

[00:47:43]The reason that this is happening to me is because I'm gonna get stronger from it. And nobody told me that that's the reason that it's happening.

[00:47:50]>> Exactly.

[00:47:51]>> I told myself it's the reason that it's happening. And that's the creation cuz guess what? You make the rules. You just made that rule.

[00:47:58]>> You make your own rules.

[00:47:59]>> When there's a challenge, >> I know I'm going to grow from it. Even if I fall flat on my butt, I'm going to get back up and I'm going to re-evaluate. I'm going to say >> as long as you get back up.

[00:48:10]>> That's right.

[00:48:11]>> It's about how many times you can get back up.

[00:48:13]>> Yes. Right.

[00:48:14]>> Like, this hurt. Okay. I'm in a lot of pain. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to go to my support system. I'm going to re-evaluate. And guess what? I'm going to finish the race.

[00:48:25]>> I love that. For me, I think the difference is um sometimes very, very subtle. It's acceptance. It starts with acceptance. Um, anything that you explain now could only happen after you are accepting it. I mean, not when something happens really bad to you, you're not going to accept it right away. First, you're going to be kicking and screaming and um denying and resisting, which is fine, but we don't want to stay in that place.

[00:48:52]>> So, eventually, we're like, okay, we're accepting what happened. this whatever happened could be the diagnosis or something like it's not fun but we're accepting it now once we accept it we can start working on helping helping ourselves right or even thinking of getting up or even thinking of going to a therapist >> but I think I think the difference between people that stay stuck and don't is acceptance >> do you think that there is a calmness that comes when you accept something finally truly >> yeah it's like accept acceptance Sorry.

[00:49:26]Acceptance, surrender. You're like, "Okay, this happened. I'm letting myself feel. I'm stopping the fighting." And you just allow yourself to accept it.

[00:49:35]Allow yourself to feel it and then move on from it.

[00:49:40]>> But allow yourself to accept it first.

[00:49:42]Because some people don't accept what happened and then that's what keeps them stuck because they're in denial their whole life. and then they're always going around in circles instead of moving down the block and finding a whole new way of doing things.

[00:49:56]>> Do you think that people who have a tendency to be in that concept of cognitive dissonance have a hard time accepting things?

[00:50:09]>> Yes. But there's help for that.

[00:50:11]Cognitive dissonance could be like a mental distortion. Mhm.

[00:50:15]>> Um, so if if it's something that bad that people are like dissociating, hopefully they have people around them that can tell them to, you know, maybe get help.

[00:50:23]>> But I'm talking about if you're mentally still okay and you you're feeling in a lot of pain, first accept and then get help because there really is help. And if you don't accept, you're not going to get help. You're like, "Oh, nothing happened to me. I don't need this. Like, I'm fine." But you're not fine.

[00:50:41]>> Yeah. And faking the fine is not, you know, it's not good.

[00:50:46]>> And I like what you said about like you use the example of a diagnosis.

[00:50:52]>> Yeah.

[00:50:53]>> I see that all the time. Um people getting I mean diagnosis for their pet like they don't want to like they don't want to hear it. They don't want to hear a diagnosis for them. I know people that have avoided treatment for years because they don't want to go to the doctor and have the doctor tell because it's the anxiety being so afraid, not knowing something and being in that like level of anxiety, >> denial.

[00:51:19]>> Yeah. And like it doesn't even exist yet. And like not having the acceptance to be like, you know what, I don't even know what is wrong. Something might be wrong with me. Something's not. Maybe like who knows? I'm going to go and I'm gonna I'm gonna find the truth out for myself.

[00:51:36]>> Yeah.

[00:51:37]>> The anxiety of >> And also know that anxiety is normal and al if you don't fight the anxiety and you're like like the more you fight anxiety, the bigger it gets. It's like a like a monster. The more you poke it, the bigger it gets. So if you accept, okay, I'm fearful now. I'm feeling anxiety. It's okay.

[00:51:54]>> And but I'm still going to move forward.

[00:51:57]That's courage. You know, we're moving.

[00:51:59]Courage is not not having anxiety.

[00:52:01]encourages feeling the anxiety and doing it anyway.

[00:52:03]>> Yeah. Do it with shaking hands.

[00:52:05]>> Yeah.

[00:52:06]>> Yep. Do it. Do it. And do it.

[00:52:08]>> Brave. What do you think brave is?

[00:52:10]>> Brave is not like sitting back and have brave is feeling the anxiety and going doing the hard thing. But it's the good news is that there is >> um light at the end of it. If you go through it and you find your support system and you you can get out of whatever mud you're in.

[00:52:26]>> Right.

[00:52:27]>> That's a Oh my god, that's beautiful.

[00:52:29]Um, and I I love like having the test to be brave.

[00:52:36]>> Yeah.

[00:52:36]>> And the test to show like my own courage. I whenever I see those moments, I recognize them and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, now is the time." And it's not like, you know, you're never gonna like fight a dragon um in real life, but like, you know, for the longest time, I was afraid to like go to school to like get another degree >> or go and like >> afraid you're going to fail. What What were you scared of?

[00:53:06]>> Afraid? Oh my gosh. just the anxiety of like, you know, the application process and like, you know, oh my gosh, well, maybe they won't even accept me to nurse practitioner school. Maybe like I maybe I shouldn't be here anyway. Like, you know, it's going to be so much work and like um you know, like did I bite off more than I could chew >> um by becoming a partner in a business?

[00:53:30]And um like so those are the things that I was saying to myself to hold myself back and keep myself safe and like breaking through that and being like, "Nope, I'm doing it. I'm getting the classes." Like I don't even I don't even think about it anymore. I'm just like I go for it.

[00:53:47]>> Yeah. and you take the step and if you if you mess up and you kind of like fall off the bridge a little bit and you don't or you fall off the little stepping stone into the like like get get back up and get back on.

[00:54:00]>> Look at you. You're create you're courageous all like you're all in your power now. I love it.

[00:54:05]>> Yes. And I have and I got such a long way to go and I'm excited and I am looking forward to it. Every every day >> um is like another chance. you have 24 hours in the day.

[00:54:16]>> Um, you know, some of those you're probably sleeping. Um, I know some people who don't, but >> you're like, yeah, >> like over here.

[00:54:26]>> Wow.

[00:54:26]>> As a joke. Um, but also, you know, you have 24 hours in the day like make connections, talk to people. You never know who you're going to meet.

[00:54:35]>> Exactly.

[00:54:36]>> Um, you don't know. You never know like say say yes to things that you might be uncomfortable with. go on the podcast, you know, um like take the time to learn the different language, read the book, um you know, take that take that 10 mile hike you might be afraid of. It doesn't matter if you don't complete it. It doesn't matter if you know you're out for the gold and you don't finish the race. Like the fact is that you >> you started like the fact is that you have the intention and you're putting it into action. Um, you might not get it right the first time. You probably won't.

[00:55:16]>> Yeah.

[00:55:16]>> Um, it doesn't matter if you're like Oprah or like, you know, somebody some superstar out there.

[00:55:26]>> You know, Lady Gaga didn't start as a super, you know, amazing like artist.

[00:55:33]She's always been amazing. She was she I think she was in like random coffee shops and years >> and she had a lot of struggles. Um but the thing is is that she never stopped.

[00:55:45]>> That's the thing to people that don't give up.

[00:55:47]>> Believe in yourself and when you believe in yourself, you're going to understand that you can keep putting in the effort to do things even when you fail.

[00:55:54]>> Exactly. People who don't believe in themselves when the when the when things when they they take one step and they fall and they fail they they get scared.

[00:56:06]>> Yeah. But if you have that belief then and you also like put the you know you're going to fail as long as you fail forward you know you fail and get back up you fail forward then you know you just keep it moving.

[00:56:17]>> Yeah. And with that if you look at it that way there really is no such thing as failing >> right. Just learning.

[00:56:22]>> That's it.

[00:56:23]>> Yeah. There's no such thing as failing.

[00:56:25]There's, you know, the worst thing that could happen is that you don't fail.

[00:56:28]It's that you um, you know, or that you fail. It's that you never even tried in the first place.

[00:56:33]>> Not trying, I think, is much more is much worse than failing. At least you tried it, right?

[00:56:39]>> Yeah. It's like, oh, well, and I mean like and that's with like anything like you find out what's for you. You find out the next step that you have to take.

[00:56:48]There is um a saying that I think about all the time and I'm sure that there's some people that have heard it, but it's if you knew that you only had to fail 40 more times, 50 more times, you only have to fail 50 more times >> and the 51st one, the 51st one, you're going to knock it out of the park. You are going to get everything that you want. How quickly would you be to fail?

[00:57:12]You're like, I got 50 to go. Like, let's get this going.

[00:57:16]>> Yeah. Exact. It's how you change your mind around failing.

[00:57:21]>> I think that's what changes it. And that's true. The more you fail, the more you're able to see.

[00:57:27]>> Nine out of 10 times it's not going to work. But if you keep throwing salami at the ceiling, like one something's going to stick like it will. That's the way that it is. Even when you're a master at your craft, you know, being like, I got to organize this event. I'm going to put up this yoga class. I'm going to start this business. None of those things might work, but you're gonna get something from it always.

[00:57:50]>> At least. And you're also going to learn. And the next time you're going to try, it's not going to be starting from zero. You already have experience behind it.

[00:57:57]>> So, that's cool. Now, the last question before we go, okay, >> was um how do you love again after your heart has been broken?

[00:58:06]>> Oh my god, >> I love these questions.

[00:58:07]>> This is really good. I love I love that question.

[00:58:10]>> How do you love again after your heart broken? Some people are like, "That's it. My heart's been broken." And it's it's over. We're packing it up. We're not loving again.

[00:58:17]>> Right. It's like, >> how do we love again?

[00:58:19]>> Yeah. I don't want it to be I don't want it to be broken again. I don't want to be hurt again.

[00:58:22]>> That was way too painful last time.

[00:58:24]>> That was that I'm not about it anymore.

[00:58:28]>> Um the world is cruel.

[00:58:30]>> Yeah. And then they never love again. So the question from from this person was how do I love again after >> obviously heart has been broken?

[00:58:39]>> Okay. So, first I just want to say I'm everything you know that you're feeling, you know, you're not alone. I think that it's very rare that someone goes their life without getting their heart broken.

[00:58:55]it and it hurts so much and um it's not comfortable at all and it's it's something that you can that you can carry with forever and I don't blame people for having fear to step back into that world. I know that I had fear to step back into that world. It probably took me more than a year to to start dating again after I had my heart broken.

[00:59:20]>> It was very smart that you tended to yourself >> and I think that's part of it. It's okay. Like I like if you fall off of a hill and you hurt yourself and you're like, "Oh my gosh, if I fell off a hill and I broke my arm or I like broke my leg." Like the first thing that I wouldn't start doing is trying to get back up the hill.

[00:59:41]>> It's okay. like I have to go and like heal like and see like how can I how can I get stronger in ways that you know like that I can that for the better like with love like >> you know there's like all these things it's like I'm going to get my revenge body and you know or like I'm going to the gym like you ever see that meme and it's like that guy in the hood and he's like and there's somebody pointing at him and they're like who broke his heart he's like just pumping >> eyes if if he's working out that hard something happened.

[01:00:11]>> Yeah. And I mean, listen, there is a time and a place for it. Like >> I think that when you come full circle maybe out of that era because it cannot I I can tell you I've been there that era of like using like those emotions to like better yourself. It doesn't last.

[01:00:29]Like it's not something that's sustainable. Um what is sustainable is coming back to yourself every day and saying like like I deserve like all the love. I deserve the love. I'm going to give it to myself. Like, you know, I'm gonna like >> yourself.

[01:00:45]>> Yeah. I'm gonna take myself out on a date. Like, I'm gonna go be with my friends. It's not the end of the world that I'm not in a relationship. There's no such thing as the perfect relationship. And if you've never experienced a a relationship like that, you know, like I've I for the longest time I had not experienced and I didn't understand like what a committed like relationship looked like, you know, I was always chasing the adrenaline, chasing um the highness of a relationship.

[01:01:18]>> Yeah. And that's not it's you know understanding that a relationship is like it's that exhale. It's like, whoa.

[01:01:27]Like, I feel super safe right now and so calm. I feel like I'm like, there's no waves in the ocean right now. Like, >> stillness.

[01:01:37]>> Like, like understanding that that is what you're after. And like that is something that you can find. I I have a feeling that whoever wrote this question, >> they might not have been there. Like that might not have been the situation that they were in. they might have been in a relationship where there were a lot of waves and and also like look at yourself like you know I always say like >> you can't you really you cannot change other people you can you can take the steps to change yourself so you know whatever was happening in that relationship unfortunately like that other person it's up to them to do it and thank God because worrying about myself and another person to so much work.

[01:02:23]>> It's a lot. It's a lot. But, you know, and like lean for support to the people that you love.

[01:02:30]>> Um, you know, like cry. Um, be happy, be angry, feel all those things. And, uh, you know, then when when you're like ready, go get help. See, you know, a professional um that can help you with this. Love yourself as much as you can.

[01:02:51]And uh you know like don't blame yourself for anything. Just know that like all that like weird feeling and like the gross feelings and like the ick as Jenz the ick as they call it.

[01:03:06]>> Um it's normal unfortunately even though it's so horrible to feel >> that like gross feeling like just wrong.

[01:03:14]Like that's such a that's such a normal feeling.

[01:03:16]>> Broken Yeah. broken heart.

[01:03:18]>> Feeling a broken heart. I you know having a broken heart and feeling that.

[01:03:25]>> Thank God we can because how lucky are we that we can feel this huge span of emotions.

[01:03:32]>> Feeling happy and like euphoric because like you just got off a roller coaster and then you just won the lottery. Like yeah, you're going to feel good. Having your heart broken, you're going to feel bad. If you feel good and euphoric after you got your heart broken, something is wrong.

[01:03:48]>> Something's wrong. Yeah. So everything that you're feeling is super normal and believe in yourself that you can get out of this. Like believe that this is you are going to ride this wave and you are going to come out on the top and it's not going to be like that forever. Life is always changing.

[01:04:05]>> Life is always stay stuck in that situation forever.

[01:04:08]>> Yes, we're not always going to be happy euphoric all the time. We're not always going to be heartbroken forever. um it is a really tough thing to work on because it is tied to so many um pathways and patterns in our bodies. Use this as a point to say I'm going to give listen to everything that we just said.

[01:04:30]Come back to this question and see how are you going to take this and give it meaning. Know and believe in yourself.

[01:04:38]feel what you're feeling and say, "How can I how could this might be the tool that leads me to the next relationship?

[01:04:46]Is this the 50th failure that's going to lead to to what I really really want? Am is this going to be it? Guess what? It might be like let it let it be that.

[01:04:57]>> Let it lead to the next step. And you will find if you just trust yourself and it's not an easy journey that you will you will your heart will heal. And as a wound care nurse, I've never seen a wound that didn't heal.

[01:05:12]>> Wow.

[01:05:12]>> Wounds always heal.

[01:05:14]>> And your heart and healing your heart knowing that you are the one that's going to heal your own heart. Nobody else is going to heal it for you.

[01:05:23]>> Heal your heart to heal.

[01:05:24]>> It's like I freaking got this.

[01:05:26]>> Yes. I would say um a lot similar to what you have to say.

[01:05:30]>> Um obviously um first heal, right? Really heal. Build up your self-worth. Now is your chance to build up feeling >> I love how you say that. You're like, "Now's your chance.

[01:05:42]>> Now's your chance. Your heart's broken.

[01:05:44]This is going to be so good for you.

[01:05:46]>> Come back. You'll thank me.

[01:05:49]>> This is your chance.

[01:05:50]>> This is your chance." And once you implement everything Liza said, because I don't want to repeat it. Um, be so sure in yourself, be so self-confident in yourself that even if just in case your heart like the person that you love leaves you again, you'll be fine because you choose to have someone in your life once you're strong and confident enough.

[01:06:13]Love is, yeah, it's always going to be vulnerable, but you have that self-belief and that self confidence to know that even if that person leaves, you're still going to be okay. So, you choose to have love. You're not in a codependent relationship. You're not in, oh, that person leaves, my life is over.

[01:06:32]>> You're good. You're standing straight and you're strong. And we're choosing to have that love come into our life and enjoy that.

[01:06:40]>> But if something happens, I'm still going to be okay. I'm still going to have my back.

[01:06:45]>> I love that. So it doesn't it gives you you know permission and less um you know vulnerability to love which is it's great to be vulnerable but don't lose yourself completely in the relationship that you're you know that you're going to be shattered again next time. So we're trying to hopefully learn something from this and get stronger and we choose to love people. Mhm. It's a choice. When you're in a codependent like relationship that's very very like you can't live without each other which is sounds very romantic but you should be able to live.

[01:07:19]>> Mhm.

[01:07:20]>> Absolutely. And I feel like so like you know we gave people the the the you know the game plan. I want to tell them the first step right now that if they do this they're going to be on the right track. Are you guys ready?

[01:07:36]>> Yeah.

[01:07:36]>> Here we go. Okay. First step you do >> is you're going to take a breath.

[01:07:41]>> You're going to let it out.

[01:07:42]>> Okay?

[01:07:42]>> And you're just going to take a step and wherever whatever you think is going to be the right step for you, whether it's going to the gym, >> eating a gallon of ice cream, >> that might not be it, but you know, go jumping back into dating, >> sending an angry text message, >> paragraphs.

[01:08:00]>> Yeah. Paragraphs, voicemails, like whatever it is, guess what? That's the right step. like >> whatever you feel you need to do.

[01:08:08]>> There's no you you're going to make mistakes, but that's the whole thing is that this is a path. This broken heart path is a new path and you the only thing that you really have right now is it is your broken heart and that's going to be your flashlight.

[01:08:24]>> And it's like now I'm going to quote Roomie.

[01:08:27]>> Oh, I love Roomie. Yes.

[01:08:29]>> So Roomie says that uh the wound is where the light enters, right? So now you have a broken heart. You let the light in.

[01:08:38]>> Why you always say I'm like always like the heart is your flashlight. The heart is your candle. Yeah. It's it's roomy.

[01:08:44]>> Yeah, it is roomy. Love it.

[01:08:45]>> Awesome.

[01:08:46]>> So basically now is your time to really um like like I said, now is your time to really build yourself up and please love again, but love again from a space of you know, you're going to be fine. So we're choosing love. We're having fun, >> but we're okay.

[01:09:03]>> Yes. Yeah. And I think that's super important, too, is that when you jump back into, you know, like the game or when you, for me, I know that it was like I'm just gonna dip my toe in the water and just see like what the temperature is like and like then maybe like I'll put like a hand in. But when you're when you are feeling like you're ready like I am going to like make some more connections and like try and be in a healthy relationship, really be aware of the the the things that you're saying and the things that you're doing and what you're feeling because if there is a lot of resentment from your past relationship, you're going to bring that you might accidentally bring that into what you're trying to create right now. And it can be really easy because that shield, you don't want to get hurt. You're like, "Well, if that person hurt me, I'm going to project that onto this person because I don't know them. They might hurt me, too."

[01:09:56]>> Yeah.

[01:09:56]>> Don't go in with that attitude. Go in with the attitude of like in like the real light of that like, okay, like I feel resentment. When you feel resentment towards somebody else, it's probably because you're feeling it towards yourself.

[01:10:08]>> Yes.

[01:10:08]>> Look inside, you know, like breathe. And even if you have to keep coming back to it, like when you're making those new connections and making that new relationship with someone, lead with lead with love and just put yourself out there. Make a risk. Guess what? If it all falls down and you fall on your butt and it crumbles, you're going to be okay because you have would have done the work already to know that you are the one who is giving yourself all this love. Yes, you got yourself.

[01:10:42]You got your back. So, whatever happens next time, it it hopefully it's going to work out, but even if it doesn't, you still are going to be okay.

[01:10:51]>> Exactly. And >> so reassuring. It's so reassuring. You know, it's like it gives you space to do stuff. You know, you have your back.

[01:11:00]>> Oh, yeah. And we got your back.

[01:11:01]>> Yeah.

[01:11:03]>> We hear you.

[01:11:04]>> Yeah, >> we hear you.

[01:11:05]>> So, that's it for today. Thank you so much, Liza, for coming again.

[01:11:08]>> Oh, you are so Thank you so much for having me. This is amazing. Everyone, if you love this episode, definitely subscribe and check out her other episodes. I did another episode, too.

[01:11:22]Um, it's all incredible stuff. It will keep you on the edge of your seat and you will be binging this podcast.

[01:11:29]>> Thank you. Thanks, Liza.

[01:11:32]>> Thank you, Miriam. Bye.

[01:11:34]>> Bye.