PREPARE TO CRINGE. Kimmi Kaiys First Time: Stand-Up Comedy

Añadido: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]Ladies and gentlemen, KIRI PRITCHARD!

[00:00:12]THIS IS EXCITING. I'VE NEVER HELD A MIC BEFORE. IT FEELS ODDLY FAMILIAR.

[00:00:19]HOW ARE YOU ALL DOING THERE?

[00:00:25]WELCOME TO DROITWICH.

[00:00:28]MY NAME IS KIRI PRITCHARD. THIS IS MY FIRST GIG.

[00:00:34]I'M NOT PREGNANT. I'M JUST HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS. It was either this or join the LGBTQ.

[00:00:42]And I've tried funny before and it's not for me.

[00:00:47]IT'S LIKE LICKING MARMITE OFF A CARPET.

[00:00:52]YOU EITHER LOVE IT OR YOU HATE IT.

[00:01:00]DROITWICH.

[00:01:01][ __ ] I'VE NEVER TURNED MY BACK ON [ __ ] I'VE TRIED THAT BEFORE, TOO.

[00:01:05][ __ ] OLD LADIES, WHY IS IT YOU?

[00:01:12]FOR DAYS AFTER, YOUR FARTS literally sound like you're emptying a ketchup bottle.

[00:01:22]UM I'VE HAD A BIT OF A chaotic life. I The last 5 years I've been posting dark humor content on social media. That's basically just code for I am unemployed, but I have lots of followers.

[00:01:35]Um but I I became a mum when I was 18.

[00:01:39]I couldn't have an abortion. My mum said if I killed my child, she would kill me.

[00:01:45][ __ ] hypocrite.

[00:01:50]I couldn't go through with it anyway, like not because I'm pro-life. I was petrified of hospitals and I couldn't afford metal hangers.

[00:02:04]It's so warm. That's another one I like here.

[00:02:08]Um My daughter is now 18 herself. I'm not worried about her getting pregnant, though. She was actually born with a condition that only 2% of the population have and it makes getting pregnant really difficult. It's called BEING GINGER.

[00:02:29]SHE UM SHE'S HAVING A BIT OF A crisis at the moment. She's the ginger emo. Have you ever seen one of them?

[00:02:35]They They are weird. She doesn't self-harm like others. SHE SUNBATHES.

[00:02:44]I AM I FOR WEEKS I've been spiking her shower gel with SPF.

[00:02:51]It's the most consistent thing I've done as a mother.

[00:02:55]Is there any gingers in tonight?

[00:02:59]I KNOW YOU CAN'T SEE ANY OF YOU. I THINK WE FOUND A [ __ ] CURE.

[00:03:04]OH, YOU GINGER?

[00:03:12]I SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO ALL GINGERS, REALLY, but they are the only group that I can that I can publicly bully without getting cancelled.

[00:03:23]I was bullied, too, as a kid. There was one girl that used to break my glasses that often that I learned how to learn how to do echolocation.

[00:03:34]Just imagine a 12-year-old kid with big tits and teeth like tombstones.

[00:03:39]They used to CALL ME DRACULA.

[00:03:45]IF I WAS IN UM IF I was in Vampire Diaries, I'd be the only one that would need a support bra and a guide dog.

[00:03:54]I GREW UP WITH BROTHERS AND THEY ALL HAD NICKNAMES. We were literally like the Poundland of the Avengers. So, we had Chippy. He chipped his tooth on a Wagon Wheel.

[00:04:05]Now he opens parcels with his teeth.

[00:04:08]Then there's Bos Eye. He's so boss-eyed that he can see the past and the present at the same time.

[00:04:14]When people wave to him, he flinches if they're behind him.

[00:04:19]Then there's Bolly. He was born with only one ball.

[00:04:24]One side's got a knob sack like an empty purse.

[00:04:28]My dad actually gave him that nickname.

[00:04:31]When he was 15, he used to introduce him to people like, "This is Bolly."

[00:04:36]My mum would always step in and go, "He got pickpocketed by God when he was pre-delivery."

[00:04:44]Um my dad spent more time at the bookies than at home. He thought Ladbrokes was a retirement plan.

[00:04:53]And I actually take after him, so I inherited his gambling problem. It's a bit of a shame. But he ended up at Gamblers Anonymous. [ __ ] loser.

[00:05:03]You never see winners there, do you?

[00:05:05]Never.

[00:05:08]Um I did go with him once and it was a real eye-opener. I had to leave halfway through. This guy stood up and he said that he'd lost everything, his wife, his kids. And he said he'd probably gambled more money than all of us put together.

[00:05:23]I stood up and shouted, "YOU WANT TO BET?"

[00:05:29]I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T KICK ME OUT, THOUGH. THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A RAFFLE.

[00:05:33]My mum was super religious. She even wanted to be a nun. She tried her hardest. She went to lessons with priests. The hardest thing for her was trying to stay a virgin. But Father Tom helped. HE WAS REALLY HELPFUL.

[00:05:47]HE HAD A MOTTO.

[00:05:49]OFF THE BOTTOM, NO HARM DONE.

[00:05:52]THAT'S WHY she's known AS ANAL ANNIE.

[00:05:56]HER SAFE word is amen.

[00:06:00]She's got to say a prayer without gagging now.

[00:06:04]I take AFTER MY MUM.

[00:06:08]I'VE DONE A SEX TAPE ONCE. THEY CALLED it Blow Hard with a Vengeance.

[00:06:14]It's a comedy.

[00:06:16]Have you ever had a laugh wank? Have you ever had a had a laugh on A WANK?

[00:06:20]YOU HAVE?

[00:06:21]IT'S LIKE MY HAIR FELL INTO IT, RIGHT?

[00:06:24]It's confusing at first, but once you've done it, you feel great. And it's always easier WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

[00:06:33]OH MY GOD.

[00:06:35]YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH AT YOUR OWN JOKES, SHOULD YOU?

[00:06:40]THIS SEX TAPE I DID DIDN'T GO DOWN TOO WELL. Most people make lots of money.

[00:06:45]All I got was a Mars bar and a bacterial infection.

[00:06:50]And that's why you don't give blowies behind B&M guys.

[00:06:54]That has been my set. YOU GUYS HAVE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND HAVE A SEX TAPE WITH A MARS BAR.

[00:07:04]SO, UH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, LET'S hear it for this fantastic new act on the scene, Kiri Pritchard!