Friendship DILEMMAS: Are You Actually a Good Friend? | The Hop Pod Ep 140

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]No, but we're not suffer friends. You're podcast friends. We're not suffer friends. He said we are not, but we could be.

[00:00:05]>> Don't make this about me and Joey.

[00:00:06]>> Can I just say that it's been a minute since we laughed or have been shocked by a Reddit story. We miss those days. I thought you going to say as a producer, you know.

[00:00:14]>> I really don't know.

[00:00:16]>> You never know who your friends are.

[00:00:18]>> Well, hey, this tension I have maybe like actually two or three group chats or so.

[00:00:22]>> Do you participate? No. I feel more betrayed than anything right now. Joey, I'm Hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of The Hot Pod, where we hop into different transitions in life. I'm Q.

[00:00:39]>> I'm Nick.

[00:00:40]>> I'm Joey. And you've seen us debate relationship dilemmas, but today we're turning the spotlight onto friendship.

[00:00:47]>> As we grow, >> go on.

[00:00:50]>> Sorry, not grow.

[00:00:50]>> But we go on. Go on. We remember.

[00:00:53]>> Then the next verse also go on.

[00:00:55]>> Yes. Right.

[00:00:56]>> Maybe grow old. You didn't grow. Anyway, wow. I'm sensing a bit of annoyance.

[00:01:02]Hey, are we like denim gang?

[00:01:04]>> Yeah. Never get the memo.

[00:01:06]>> Oh, everyone's in wearing denim.

[00:01:09]>> Color wrong.

[00:01:10]>> Whatever.

[00:01:11]>> Are we like close toe gang?

[00:01:15]>> Okay. Because romantic relationships get all the moral scrutiny. But in friendships, we just assume we are the good friend until something uncomfortable happens.

[00:01:25]>> Like lending money or dealing with crossing certain boundaries. So these are gray areas, the kind of situations where there's no clear right or wrong, but something just feels like little bit off.

[00:01:38]>> So today we're asking in these situations, are we judging our friends or revealing what kind of friend we actually are? Oh, before we begin, can we just talk about how ginormous this iPad is?

[00:01:49]>> It's ginormous.

[00:01:51]>> See, >> oh my god. Okay, without further ado, let's start with level one, the early stages of a friendship. Think first impressions to the first one to two months.

[00:02:03]>> Okay, scenario one. You hit it off with someone instantly. After the conversation, you look them up on social media and find something from their past that makes you pause. Would you rather find out? Option A, they had a messy breakup with someone in your circle. Or option B, they were known to be mean, even borderline a bully in the past.

[00:02:22]>> Wow.

[00:02:24]Messy breakup with someone in my circle.

[00:02:26]>> I feel like everyone who had a messy breakup with my friends, right, are blacklisted.

[00:02:31]>> But what if you already hit it off with this person and then after that you find out that >> it depends on how long ago the breakup was?

[00:02:38]>> Uh, 5 years.

[00:02:39]>> Five years. Okay. I think it depends on how close I am to this person. But if it's like in the immediate circle then >> but if it's an acquaintance or like a normal friend then it's not my type >> immediate circle but then after that when you told this friend right that hey I met so and so the other day then this friend is like oh wow I'll break up damn bad but hey go ahead it's okay.

[00:03:01]>> Oh if they're okay then I'm okay. Yeah.

[00:03:03]Like if I know that it's not okay and then the friend group kind of mutually hates this guy together after the breakup, then yeah, I'm not going to be friends with that person.

[00:03:14]>> Have you ever been in a situation where there was a breakup and then you were super sad cuz you like the partner more than your friend?

[00:03:20]>> No, but I I can see it happening.

[00:03:23]>> Have >> I feel like I I'm that person. Just kidding.

[00:03:27]>> I'm the I'm the great girlfriend.

[00:03:29]>> Oh, yes. You 100% are actually every time someone and I breaks up or like we stop dating, right? I'll unfollow them >> and or their friends.

[00:03:38]>> Oh, they're friends.

[00:03:39]>> No, because why? Why do I need to stay friends? I'm saying this because last time when I was younger, I used to do that. But I feel like if it happens now, I won't unfollow cuz like honestly, it's not that deep.

[00:03:50]>> Even the person that you break up with, >> I think I'll unfollow the person I break up with. I think so.

[00:03:54]>> I cannot be reminded. But anyway, the other option is them being a bully.

[00:03:59]>> Okay. Do you think that people can grow?

[00:04:02]>> Yeah.

[00:04:02]>> Okay, let's deepen it. What if they bullied someone, you know, and now they're a different person? It doesn't undo the hurt that's been caused and the trauma that's been caused to your friend.

[00:04:10]>> Then becomes quite similar already.

[00:04:12]What? Technically, if it's a messy breakup, they kind of bullied your friend that they broke up with also, right?

[00:04:16]>> Oh, yeah. Or the messy breakup could have been because of your friend. We're assuming that the other person is the bad guy. If your friend is the bad guy, >> so I think option A better.

[00:04:26]>> Yeah, agree.

[00:04:27]>> Scenario two, you start getting closer, but they begin to come across as a bit clingy, texting you every day and constantly asking to meet. Would you rather option A, pull back and set boundaries early because who has time for that? Or option B, go along with it because the vibes are good and you enjoy their company.

[00:04:49]>> Hell no.

[00:04:50]>> Clingy friend. I feel like they're only clingy if there's a mismatch. Otherwise, you wouldn't find it clingy.

[00:04:56]>> If you are also a clingy person and then the other person is a clingy person, right? Then you're both not clingy.

[00:04:59]>> Exactly. That's what I mean. Also, I think there's the awareness that to other people it might seem like you are clingy. But it doesn't matter cuz it works for your friendship. But for the sake of this argument, we have to assume that the cliness is uneven.

[00:05:12]>> Yeah. I mean, even with my closest friends, I already cannot with this.

[00:05:17]Yeah, we like just now when you were reading this scenario, I was like, "Oh my god, this is exactly what we talk about. I get so drained and I just cannot."

[00:05:23]>> We literally have plans after this, but just now at the right before we start rolling was like if I'm very tired, uh, >> you better hurry up and roll.

[00:05:30]>> No, no. I said, "Let's hurry finish the two episodes so that I can still have energy to hang out afterwards."

[00:05:36]>> If not, uh, >> I'll go home early.

[00:05:41]So, I will pull back and set boundaries because I really don't have the mental capacity or the social energy to be around people all the time. Texting every day. I I feel like it was a very younger meeting. Like I used to text my poly friends all every single day. Like we just talk about stupid things, right?

[00:05:59]But now, honestly, who has the time?

[00:06:01]>> I still text my friends every day.

[00:06:03]>> The same friend every single day.

[00:06:04]>> Yeah.

[00:06:05]>> Oh, wow. What do you talk about?

[00:06:06]>> Depends. Hey, you see what I eating for lunch? My god. like sounds good. Let's go again next week.

[00:06:11]>> Oh, like >> sometimes I do that also.

[00:06:13]>> Yeah.

[00:06:13]>> Every day.

[00:06:14]>> Or like there's a meme that I send or I see something funny. I screenshot I have like look at this.

[00:06:18]>> Is there something wrong with me?

[00:06:19]>> No.

[00:06:19]>> I have maybe like actually two or three group chats or so.

[00:06:23]>> Every day >> you participate. That's crazy.

[00:06:26]>> One line or two lines considered.

[00:06:28]>> So every day you reply >> one line or two lines.

[00:06:31]>> No, I feel more betrayed than anything right now.

[00:06:33]>> No, I also got reply like one line two line. Joey, I'm where >> but basically we will all set boundaries.

[00:06:45]>> I think so. I think it's important and it sets a good healthy foundation for a good relationship.

[00:06:51]>> I think you don't have to be like, "Hey, this is a bit too much right now." Cuz it's like you're addressing something very seriously. It's it's quite easy to take the hidden and be like, "Yeah, I can't actually I'm quite busy until next month. Let's set a date next month."

[00:07:03]then it's already established that you have no capacity for this month.

[00:07:06]>> Do you think that vibing with someone is difficult as an adult?

[00:07:09]>> How do you defend vibing?

[00:07:10]>> Like, wow, I really want to hang out with this person again.

[00:07:12]>> Yeah, I think that like while I found someone that understands my humor, my views, we share the same pop culture references like on surface level, easy.

[00:07:22]But there are certain conversations that will lead you to realize, okay, we're a bit different.

[00:07:27]>> And then when you meet these people, right, are you enthusiastic about it?

[00:07:31]Like, wow, I really want to hang out with this person or No, >> no. Okay. I think it's a me thing. Wait, it's a me thing. No, but I used to be like that.

[00:07:37]>> Yeah.

[00:07:38]>> I I used to be like a social butterfly.

[00:07:40]I'm so extroverted. I'm I'm outgoing.

[00:07:42]Not saying that I'm not outgoing anymore, but I think um over the years, let's just say that you have a suitcase >> and then your suitcase, you can pack this amount of clothes, right? I feel I already packed to the brim and all my friends are inside this suitcase. This sounds really >> key only. Yeah, maybe keychain sticker, which honestly I have keychain friends.

[00:08:01]>> So, I meet them like once a year or every maybe eight months when they feel like, oh, there's a need to catch up about life, then we just catch up. But do we chat often? No, we don't.

[00:08:12]>> Then I keep the my close friends really close. And those are the friends that you send memes to. Those are the friends that you really cook dinner with or or play, I don't know, cut games with on a random like Friday night, you know? M I find that the that openness when I was younger was more present also. I think maybe for me I'm trying to be a bit more open to new experiences like in this um >> season of life. So now I try to be but I can really feel myself over the past few years right >> less and less like I don't not very interested. The last time that I had a new friend group was when I was 28, 29 when I went for a snowboarding trip. And then I think I told yall that we were meeting every few months.

[00:08:54]>> Then we were a group of like 10 12 people. We go to different people's houses and then we go sing key or whatever, right? And it was so fun.

[00:09:00]Honestly, I think that was the last time I was energetic.

[00:09:06]>> And then uh I think the group eventually kind of like dispersed like people we're not we're not we're not close anymore. I got some clicks.

[00:09:14]>> I think that 10 to 12 people can coexist. If for these 10 to 12 people to consistently meet, right, there must be one or two people, right, that can really get along with everybody.

[00:09:22]>> Yeah. And always the person joining >> they have to be the glue.

[00:09:26]>> But something I've noticed as I've been making friends is that not a blanket statement, but I really enjoy people that yes, same humor, but we disagree on some things >> because we broaden each other's perspectives. Not not to say that they're contrarian because I find it very annoying when people are like yeah just saying no to everything but there's no judgment in that disagreement and then you're both broaden each other's perspectives. When I find someone that is 100% like-minded then we agree on every single thing right then it's very hard to grow. That's why I think it's hard to find that like one person that you can grow with cuz you need to be able to contribute to each other's lives.

[00:10:03]>> Even if you want to the other person might not want to.

[00:10:05]>> They might have their luggage full.

[00:10:08]>> Wow. I created a new thing. Luggage.

[00:10:12]>> All right. Next scenario. You're going through a tough time and need to talk to someone. Would you rather confide in?

[00:10:17]Option A, a close, longtime friend who's recently been distant and behaving differently. Or option B, a newer friend of only a few months, but who you've quickly grown close to.

[00:10:27]>> Option A, >> you want to discuss first?

[00:10:31]>> We need to know like your thought process before you tell I find that like the shared history quite important um for them to understand the why is it a tough time for you but also what does behaving differently mean?

[00:10:44]>> Yeah. Actually, the only thing that's making me a bit hesitant is the behaving differently. Because if they're being if they Yeah. If they're being like passive aggressive towards me or they are being mean towards me, then I wouldn't feel safe enough for me to tell them about my issues. And I might actually relate to someone who I've recently met because honestly, I've met people in the recent years that I feel like could be very trustworthy than people you've known your whole life, right? Yeah. I I agree.

[00:11:11]I actually am leaning towards B because they might be clued into more context that's currently relevant in my life.

[00:11:19]>> Assuming that the problem is contextual to current, right? Cuz they know maybe if I met them recently then they'll know >> something that transpired from recent events, right? So it's easy to like, oh my god, remember that thing I told you?

[00:11:33]Now this is what's happening.

[00:11:34]>> And sometimes a close longtime friend only knows an older version of yourself.

[00:11:39]>> Yes. They don't exactly relate to how you live your life now.

[00:11:43]>> Well, this is really tough because there are some friends that I find myself guilty of. I know that they are a certain way or I know an older version of them and when I notice that they are now a little bit different, part of me feels like a bad friend, but part of me also recognizes that we're not aligned in the same way as we were. And so, I don't really feel the need to get to know the now them. And it feels terrible to say, but there are some friendships that can operate on a shared history rather than a now closeness.

[00:12:15]>> I find it quite interesting that sometimes we feel uncomfortable with the newer version of themselves, right? But then we expect our older friends to like the current version of ourselves.

[00:12:25]>> Like there's this double standard when it comes to >> 100%.

[00:12:29]>> Yeah. Changing.

[00:12:30]>> When it's yourself, you think that it's growth, but then it's other people say you've changed.

[00:12:33]>> Yeah.

[00:12:34]>> Crazy, right? Yeah. Yeah. There are sometimes where I notice change in friends that make me feel like, yeah, I never noticed that about you and I'm I'm so happy and would love to explore this new you. But it's when the change is something you don't relate to.

[00:12:47]>> And actually in that scenario, right, your friend telling somebody else about how they have grown distant to you, right, they will just say that, oh, I've outgrown Joey, I've outgrown Q, I've outgrown Nick, >> right? So it's really quite depends on the POV. I think the main reason for why people will say like you you've changed is when you start to not have enough time for them. Maybe for me like when my friends start having a different life and they find a new tribe, they find their new hobbies then they start to neglect their old friends then I would start to realize like oh you've changed and you are distancing yourself from us.

[00:13:20]>> Actually I think quite true because I feel like there's only so many times right where I will jo invite this person to a gathering and then it's always can I make it? Can I make kind of make it right. But then on socials, you will see that this person is going for like events and gatherings with other social groups. Then it's like to me it's just a matter of priorities or >> I think a a clear indicator is when catching them up feels like a chore.

[00:13:43]>> Like I have to beg you to meet me or like the idea of cluing them in and giving them context of what has been happening is so exhausting because there's so much to clarify that you'd rather have someone that can meet you where you are now. And it's not anyone's fault. I think that happens a lot in adulthood.

[00:14:02]>> So now we're moving on to level two. You are a few years into the friendship. So it's deeper now.

[00:14:08]>> Okay. Which means the stakes and the dilemas are getting more real.

[00:14:12]>> Okay. But instead of this or that scenarios, we are switching things up.

[00:14:17]>> We will be reading Reddit stories and reacting to them, sharing what we will do and the advice we would give. So, because our producers realize that a lot of these situations aren't just about choosing between give in or set boundaries, they are more nuanced than that. Let's discuss.

[00:14:33]>> Okay.

[00:14:33]>> Oh, I love Wait, but before we dive into it, right, can I just say that it's been a minute since we laughed or have been shocked by a Reddit story.

[00:14:41]>> Yeah, >> right. We miss those days.

[00:14:43]>> Hey, it's been too serious. Let's just like >> We want I want to see Joey fall on the floor again. I want the eyelash to drop again. Like, where where did all the good times go?

[00:14:51]>> More eyelashes. I got a feeling this um scenarios might be quite serious.

[00:14:54]>> Oh, I thought you going to say as a producer, you know, >> I really don't know.

[00:14:59]>> She always bluff. You never know who your friends are.

[00:15:02]>> Well, hey, this tension, >> I don't know. Ever since that day, right, >> this tension is very foreign to me.

[00:15:07]>> Check yourself Jared. Hey, >> no. Okay, it can be bay.

[00:15:15]>> The subject of this Reddit thread is will you go to a friend's wedding? Who?

[00:15:20]MIA for almost two years.

[00:15:23]>> Okay. First impressions, yes or no?

[00:15:25]>> No.

[00:15:26]>> No. I also agree. No. How can you go?

[00:15:28]>> Story.

[00:15:31]>> I used to be close with this friend.

[00:15:32]Ever since he got into a relationship, he literally went MIA.

[00:15:36]>> I don't know why he will just disappear and kept giving excuses for not meeting up with us.

[00:15:41]>> Long story short, I received a text from him saying that he will be having a wedding next year. I'm a bit indecisive of whether to go or not. like will we hang out more after getting married or probably never see him again after the wedding and using me as an ATM to fund his wedding. What do you guys think?

[00:15:57]>> H okay benefit of doubt here right is that maybe the friend is also kind of reflecting and like wow actually this person is quite close to me because I think when you're coming up with your wedding guest list is also a time when you're like oh who are the people in my life that um I have been close to you know all these years. So maybe then he's also seeing that like oh actually I'm very close to this person but don't know why we never really talk much now let me invite as a way to reconnect >> then I think there's a better way of doing that by asking them out for a coffee and say like hey you know I've been distant I'm very sorry I've been MIA but correct like like I've been >> sometimes people not so um in tune with like they rather avoid that kind of like huh like be awkward to talk about it you know >> then expect that from your friend to say no if this applied to me, I would not go because this person is saying that they went MIA and it's not that they distance themselves or like they haven't been meeting.

[00:16:55]>> If like they drifted for the past 2 years, okay, fine. Maybe it's both ways, but it sounds like this person ghosted him.

[00:17:01]>> Correct.

[00:17:02]>> Ghosting is not right at all.

[00:17:04]>> Being MIA and growing distant is very different.

[00:17:07]>> Okay, but would you guys show up just because of the past? Okay, I think it depends on what kind of wedding I was invited to. my childhood like like literally grew up in Pampers watching Barney drinking milk on her living room floor kind never saw her again for the next like 20 years.

[00:17:25]>> They invited you to a wedding.

[00:17:26]>> She invited me to a wedding. She's Indian Muslim so it's like a big thing.

[00:17:29]You just show up, take a photo with her, maybe eat some biryani and then you can maybe give her a little green packet if you want then you can leave.

[00:17:37]>> So to me that was not like a Chinese banquet commitment. I was more than happy to go and be reunited at her wedding and say hi and celebrate that moment with her. Like it's very different if it was a Chinese wedding where I have to pay like $200 something dollars for my seat. I think no.

[00:17:54]>> Actually, that's a good point. I feel like if it's a micro wedding like less than 50 people and then it's like I just want super close friends here at this wedding. Um and you know that in that scenario, right, you will get facetime with them versus like the Chinese banquet that is like 300 people where you might not even get to talk to the bride and the groom. Then if you invite me for like that small one, I will be like quite honored. I like, "Wow." But then if you invite me for the trend report and you never talk for so long, right? It's not like we're going to be reconnecting at the wedding. You know what I mean? Okay. What if uh now you weren't planning to go to the wedding cuz you just invited as a guest, right?

[00:18:28]But now they ask you to be bridesmaid, >> huh?

[00:18:31]>> Like you you feel like >> I laugh. I'll be like, "You're joking, right? You're joking, right?

[00:18:37]>> You will reject people.

[00:18:38]>> I have every right to reject."

[00:18:39]>> No. No. Of course.

[00:18:40]>> Yeah. I'll just tell the person that I don't think I'm the best person to be a bridesmaid.

[00:18:44]>> No, but then they are they used to be close to you just that they never they never see you for the last two years.

[00:18:48]>> So I got asked to be a bridesmaid by someone that is a relatively new friend >> and I had never been a bridesmaid before >> but I know the responsibilities of >> bridesmaid the bridesmaid. Yeah. And she asked me actually in front of everybody.

[00:19:02]>> Wow.

[00:19:03]>> Oh awkward.

[00:19:04]>> So I had to say I said okay.

[00:19:05]>> It's like a proposal.

[00:19:06]>> I felt like I had to say yes and I did.

[00:19:08]And it's not that I didn't want to celebrate that moment and be there for her, but it was more so like I don't know if I have the capacity to show up in a traditional bridesmaid's sense. And then I also felt like I don't want to short change you of someone that can be fully present. So I had that conversation with her and she said I fully understand. I want you to be there for me. Then I said okay. And it was a great experience. But I think that com that conversation setting very like clear boundaries was super helpful.

[00:19:38]>> Okay. In my mind, right, I feel like it's not uncommon for a lot of Singaporean men, right, to not have enough friends to be groomsmen.

[00:19:48]>> I've seen it on the IG stories >> because like why the guys ask this guy, what ask this random guy to be the groomsman? Then we were like, wait, when was the last time they met?

[00:19:58]>> And then I realized that it's because they don't have enough friends.

[00:20:01]>> So I think I would do it, you know. So then right it goes back to this. Do men not care about friendships enough?

[00:20:07]>> I think potentially. I feel like a lot of guys they don't prioritize building that that sort of like friendship circle. A lot of times when they get into a relationship then their lives revolve around their partners. So then they are not intentional about socializing building their own circles also. Yeah.

[00:20:21]>> So the only kind of like social gatherings they go for are their girlfriends or wives like friend group gathering.

[00:20:28]>> I've realized that too. Then the only dudes they hang out with are their their girlfriends or wives, >> husbands, >> friends, husbands or boyfriends.

[00:20:34]>> Yeah. Yeah. And it's by personal choice.

[00:20:36]>> I don't think there's a choice. I think they're just not intentional and they just go with the flow.

[00:20:40]>> Yeah.

[00:20:40]>> Interesting.

[00:20:41]>> But this is just a small group of people. I feel then who created the rule that the number of bridesmaids must match the number of grooms.

[00:20:47]>> Don't have like actually >> I think it was normalized then people just follow the traditional. Is it like embarrassing if there are like eight women on stage with the the bride and then there's only like two men and one is the brother?

[00:21:00]>> No. So maybe that's why people might pass judgment that like how how come your >> how come your wife got so many friends but then you can only find two. But actually I find that okay.

[00:21:08]>> I love that. I think it's okay. It's just visually not okay. Like when you shoot a photo right?

[00:21:14]>> Yeah. I tr trust me the photographers and the videographers right will find two >> what is that you're doing what two girls here then two girls here then one guy one guy then right you know what I mean you have to spread it out >> so um if if a guy asks me even though we are not close right I just do >> question >> wow >> okay today's question part is a bit different >> it's from team limb 029 >> that's crazy all of them >> in honor of us doing Reddit stories What's a purchase most would consider unnecessary that changed your life?

[00:21:50]>> Sorry, I'm going to go very like recent.

[00:21:53]So, yesterday I was at Toys R Us and I bought this Sumiko Gurashi like like toy. It's like a mochi, which would seem very unnecessary, but it serves a very important purpose is when I'm lying down, I put it here, right? So, where I can rest my hand and play on my Switch very comfortably. You have to remove one MR station per MRT line in Singapore.

[00:22:14]Which ones would it be and why? Number one, Jukun.

[00:22:18]>> Hey, Jukun is where they found Luka.

[00:22:21]Like my son, my firstborn son, cat.

[00:22:25]>> So, green line, you will remove Jukun.

[00:22:27]>> Honestly, yeah. I mean, I will do Singapore a favor. They hate the West, right?

[00:22:31]>> Red line.

[00:22:32]>> Red line, I would say. What's the mat far from each other at the red line?

[00:22:36]>> It's Kat, right?

[00:22:37]>> No, no, no. It's like Chukong and Kip.

[00:22:39]>> I will remove your chukong then. I like I like damn important. One bus interchange there.

[00:22:44]>> Yeah, Singapore got how many bus interchange? We can build new ones.

[00:22:47]Okay, purple line.

[00:22:48]>> I think remove wood cuz the diary too expensive.

[00:22:52]>> Well, you are all for the future.

[00:22:55]>> Bas remove donate. Wow.

[00:22:59]>> Okay, Ken. Next.

[00:23:01]>> Okay. What movie character would you like to have on the podcast? Thomas Shelby Picky Blinders. Now he's movie also, right? Or um how about Peter Parker?

[00:23:09]>> Boring. Peter Parker boring. No, choose the lady the two ho then she draw her eyebrow with a saucer. What is that? I know stupid money. You know you she put the the saucer, right? She to >> Okay, next story by stopped the van. Is being called a lowmaintenance friend meant to be a compliment here? Ooh, low maintenance.

[00:23:34]>> I don't think it's a I don't think it's an insult.

[00:23:37]>> I think compliment.

[00:23:38]>> I think compliment. I love that.

[00:23:39]>> I, 28F, have been referred to as one by a friend several times now whenever she compares me to her other friends. And sometimes I can't help but feel like it's an off-handed comment or insult since my personality is more agreeable than her friends. And I don't demand much in the friendship. When I search online, it seems that lowmaintenance friends are meant to be a good thing because these are the friends you can count on even when you don't meet or talk to them every day. But I don't really feel that dynamic in the friendship and I've given up on opening up to her because she would always somehow find a way to turn the subject back to her and she will go on talking about herself and her life. I feel more like the convenient friend than anything. Has anyone else experienced something similar before? And did things change for you?

[00:24:21]>> Okay, I think I get what's the dynamic right here? Basically, the other friend thinks she's low maintenance, but she thinks of her that way only because she doesn't invite her to share more about her life.

[00:24:35]>> She doesn't have to live.

[00:24:36]>> She's not the main character in this friendship.

[00:24:38]>> And then she feels like, "Oh, you're you're my side character in my life, right?" So, to me, it's like, "Oh my god, you're so easygoing because you don't interrupt me when I'm talking. You don't you you always ask me about my life and you listen to all my >> stories and then I don't need to come and ask you about your life and I don't need to problem solve for you, but you can problem solve for me. problem solve for me.

[00:24:55]>> Yeah.

[00:24:56]>> Wow. Have you ever felt like a friend of convenience? I know if I asked you out, you would definitely be there. So, I will just ask you to go out with me cuz I have no one else to ask. I have no one else to Everyone else said no. I think I maybe have felt it a little bit in my early 20ies, but I'm also guilty of treating some people like that. Let's just say your call friend groups are not available on a weekend night and you really want to go out then you resort to the next friend group >> then by default they are your convenient friend right >> but then again I never ever saw them as a convenient more like >> yeah I first planned with this group but then they cannot then I'm just going to meet another group >> if I don't want to hang out with you I'm not going to string you along for the ride cuz I'm not going to enjoy you also >> what do your lowmaintenance friendships actually look most of my friendships can operate as lowmaintenance friendships which I think is a good thing meaning that like hey I don't have the capacity to be intentional about meeting you now um and I don't need to even say this but then the next time that we meet then we just pick up like from where it left off then there are other times in my life where I got more capacity then nobody is a low maintenance friend I can meet everybody >> like we have a friend group of four five people right and sometimes we hang out individually like two of us hang out and none of us have ever stopped the question, hey why you never asking like hey how come you hang out without me like we've never had that and we actually talked about it we were like I'm so grateful that we are understanding and aware that so many relationships can form as in we all have individual relationships within this friend group >> that we never have to worry about hurting someone else's feelings cuz we know that we would never do that intentionally and I see that as like a lowmaintenance thing >> sometimes the the activity or the experience itself is linked to low maintenance as well cuz I feel like maybe certain friend groups or certain people feel very curated.

[00:26:54]>> I don't know how to explain but it's like the must must must take photos must take photos of the food must take pictures of each other. If not we cannot move on. For me my lowmaintenance friends are people who like we we can just take a bus right because we are bored. I think a indicator is especially for girls is if I can meet you with no makeup and my hair like two days haven't washed. I just put it in a bun and I'm just going to wear like whatever laps up >> and you won't judge me >> and I will still feel like funny, friendly, beautiful in front of you with you and I just know that we are like great friends.

[00:27:33]>> I think the equivalent is um a supper friend.

[00:27:37]>> Oh, for guys.

[00:27:38]>> Oh. Oh my god, I love supper friends. I love supper friends. I miss actually I miss that >> then just now. Just now.

[00:27:44]>> No, but we're not supper friends. You're podcast friends.

[00:27:46]>> We're not supper friends.

[00:27:47]>> I mean ours is not impromptu. You know what I mean?

[00:27:50]>> Wait, wait. I just need a moment.

[00:27:52]>> The tension is crazy and actually like >> Thank you for watching this episode.

[00:27:55]>> I think both of you >> actually Nick and you know why actually Nick is so tired of being the one that's being targeted, right? He's trying to >> now separate us.

[00:28:04]>> Wow. Actually, the vibe is crazy. Wait, that means if let's say at 11:00 p.m.

[00:28:10]and you're hungry also and I'm like, "Hey, let's go and meet and eat like me."

[00:28:13]>> So, we are both both at home. We all at home now.

[00:28:15]>> So guys, okay, so my definition of a supper friend, right, is everyone at home, everyone knowing in their bed, right? Then you say, "Hey guys, eata proposing now."

[00:28:24]>> No, so I'm telling you I'm telling you that's why I'm proposing now. We are all at home. No, that's why I'm clarifying with you that why I say we're not supper friends is because we always come from this >> but we may be supper friends.

[00:28:37]>> No, you live so far. No, I go I go you go wrong. I go wrong.

[00:28:41]>> You come pa. I go p you go m downstairs.

[00:28:43]>> I want to eat the kcomi at you know why I'm hesitant. It's because we catch up all the time in this studio.

[00:28:51]>> We are talking all the time. So what is there to catch up guys? What's new about your lives?

[00:28:57]>> Okay. Okay. Got tea then you'll come >> about who anno friends to me is a classification. There are people in my life that I know if they ask me at 2 a.m. right and I'm awake right I will go.

[00:29:13]>> Why I >> sorry I forgot about the scenario.

[00:29:15]>> This has unlocked something. I didn't realize that yall could be supper friends.

[00:29:19]>> Yeah. He said we are not but we could be.

[00:29:20]>> Don't make this about me and Joey. The tension is so the tension if we eat cake rice at 2 a.m. we are sore friends.

[00:29:28]>> And finally, level three, the final moral test with situations that could make or break a friendship.

[00:29:39]>> I sound like SCDF alarm.

[00:29:41]>> User huge chef 8138.

[00:29:44]Should I lend my friend money?

[00:29:46]>> No.

[00:29:48]>> No thank.

[00:29:51]Okay.

[00:29:52]>> 10k 10k 10k 10k.

[00:29:54]>> If you ever ask me for 10k, I will be very worried. I'll transfer there. I'll ask you why.

[00:29:58]>> So if you ask you for 10k versus I ask you for 10k, what's the difference?

[00:30:01]>> Both I'll be like what's going on?

[00:30:04]>> But I feel like more >> you more >> you like bankrupt or what? What?

[00:30:08]>> Yeah. I'll be like is someone's life indeed like what's going on?

[00:30:11]>> But if you got some like questionable problematic friends that you know got history of being like a bit like then they ask you 10k you're like ah >> uh report as spam.

[00:30:19]>> What? No, no. You reply unsub in caps.

[00:30:23]>> Okay. Okay. Okay.

[00:30:24]>> Let's find out. Let's find out.

[00:30:25]>> I have this friend that in recent months I have realized only contacts me when she needs something from me, never to hang out. This year, we have only spoken twice and both times it was just to ask me to lend her money. She has yet to return me the money I lent her previously. Naturally, I'm already kind of irritated that the only time she thinks of me is when she needs money. If not, it's all crickets from her. Chirp chirp. Seriously, even now that I'm down with COVID, not even a get well soon, just lend me money. Kind of annoyed by her, but also wondering if I should just do a good deed and help her. Am I the [ __ ] if I say I don't want to lend her money? Although yes, I am in a financially secure and stable position and technically I can lend her the money.

[00:31:08]>> I think just on the basis that they haven't returned money like they have outstanding debt.

[00:31:15]>> No. Is it more irritating if they ask for small amounts many many times versus one time big amount?

[00:31:20]>> Yes.

[00:31:21]>> So if I want to get the 10K from you, I just ask one shot 10K.

[00:31:24]>> Just can ask. Don't be >> rather than 10 times 1K.

[00:31:27]>> Yeah. I a bit I don't really want to go into my OB and then like pay now you >> cuz I can imagine the mental toll for like repeated attempts. I think the repeated attempts is is a more more of a red flag to me because it almost feels like you cannot pay back. Yeah. You never plan your debt.

[00:31:47]>> Yeah. Like you never you didn't plan how tal your debt will be. Do you need to know the full issue and story?

[00:31:55]>> I need to know if someone comes to you ask you for 5K.

[00:32:00]>> Version one of the story is pay hospital bills. M >> the second one is gambled the money away.

[00:32:07]>> Okay.

[00:32:07]>> Would you say no to the gambling one?

[00:32:09]>> First time they asking me.

[00:32:10]>> The first time I ask you and then they say like I really messed up.

[00:32:13]>> What what tier friend is this?

[00:32:14]>> So not acquaintance, not super close friends but like >> wow >> friends.

[00:32:21]>> No, maybe they gamble away essential money. Then it's like money for like bills and >> Yeah. Then they need to um >> Okay. So I I pay the bills. So then the friend that tells you is for their hospital bills, right? Hey, can I hospital bills? Will you to go and dig deeper and ask to see proof and all that?

[00:32:36]>> No.

[00:32:36]>> Or you just take your face?

[00:32:37]>> I'll just try to trust.

[00:32:38]>> So, actually this friend also might be >> lying. One, you have every right to know where your money is going. Yes. But two, it's also if your friend is telling you that they're struggling with something, then as a friend, you also want to make sure that you get them out of this rut, not just with the money. It's not just a problem solving thing when you spend money and on the problem, right?

[00:32:55]>> Um, but the bigger question is, am I a 10k friend to you?

[00:32:58]>> Yeah.

[00:32:59]>> Yeah. 20k.

[00:33:01]>> What? 20 30?

[00:33:03]>> Okay.

[00:33:04]>> W 50.

[00:33:06]>> But like 50 for like what?

[00:33:08]>> You die.

[00:33:09]>> 50. 50 for >> my house. Renault.

[00:33:15]>> My house ren. Then you get to plan my house right now.

[00:33:17]>> My land.

[00:33:19]>> Land interest. Plan my house right now.

[00:33:21]Isn't that your dream?

[00:33:22]>> Land with interest.

[00:33:23]>> Isn't that your dream?

[00:33:24]>> Land with interest.

[00:33:25]>> Yes.

[00:33:25]>> Let's focus on the reno part.

[00:33:27]>> Land with interest. Lower than bank.

[00:33:29]lower than okay quite down I think >> 50k right land to house Renault versus 50k land for me to have an annui wedding gown >> would that would that affect your decision >> oh >> so you really want this wedding gown >> you really really want >> it's just for the gown and the shoes only >> how long will it take to pay back I must see a repayment plan what's the plan >> maybe four years >> four years to pay back 50k >> then I don't think you should >> he's not responsible Okay, last story.

[00:33:59]Accomplished refuse 42. How confrontational should I be with my friend? TLDDR: Friend showed his entire family for a trip meant for friends.

[00:34:09]>> Huh. Started off with me showing my uni friends only three of us could make it.

[00:34:14]Agreed on flight time, to itinerary, everything. All was well and I helped to book the flight first. Next day, my friend mentioned he needed to sort out his leave plans. So said to put itinary booking on hold. So we did. leave plans got settled and he asked if his siblings could join. My other friend and I agreed since more people meant cheaper per pack for toll itinerary. Then he suddenly mentioned his parents were interested too. The other friend and I kept dropping hints that activities like water-based ones weren't suitable for his parents. At this point, my other friend and I were in disbelief. I'm not sure at what point of our discussion did we ever agree for his parents to crash our trip and why he wasn't even apologetic about it. I PM him in a PR way to let him know I was quite concerned about his parents' safety and boredom if they were to join our trip.

[00:34:57]He replied that, "Oh, we definitely need to change." Huh. It's less than 2 months to our trip and obviously I'm worried about price search and hotel bookings.

[00:35:06]While I try to be understanding that he wants to fulfill his parents wishes of visiting islands and beaches, I'm tempted to tell him we should go our separate ways. The uncertainty of him saying, "We'll discuss and see how to get a tour that meets everyone's wishes," is unsettling. Am I wrong to get upset with my friend over this?

[00:35:24]You're not wrong at all.

[00:35:26]>> Actually, you know what I think he's doing? Cuz he needs to pay for his parents, right? So, he wants to make this a lower pack deal.

[00:35:34]>> Wait, so that means from the get-go, he already know his parents coming, then he's like, "Okay, let's do a friend group."

[00:35:38]>> Or maybe after that, he realized, "Hey, if I get my parents here, right, he kill two birds with one stone." I experienced this quite recently, you know, last few years. My close friend group, my secondary school friends, uh we agreed to go on a hiking trip in like Europe and then one of my close friends said, "Hey, my parents are so interested because to to hike this uh trail, but I I knew his parents since I was in secondary school, so I see them every year Chinese New Year all that." So, we were like, "Oh, come on." And it was great like it was super fun. Um and I knew his parents for so many years, right? But on that trip like we all managed to connect with his parents like hear like very a lot of interesting stories and it was also very nice because like to just to see like the dynamic between my friend and his parents also but the important thing was that they were super chill about the itinerary. It was a hiking trip but they are damn fit so they like they were okay to just follow >> an age group.

[00:36:30]>> Yeah.

[00:36:30]>> And they are old enough to connect with.

[00:36:32]>> Correct. Cuz this story right is uni friends. Honestly, if I was at that age, right, I wouldn't want anybody's parents.

[00:36:39]>> I'd be quite annoyed. And in fact, I wouldn't want anyone to randomly chill someone else to join the trip.

[00:36:45]>> 100%.

[00:36:45]>> Let alone let alone like family.

[00:36:47]>> Yeah. Family is not saying that family the family has bad vibes. But it's just very hard to >> manage the social dynamic.

[00:36:55]>> Correct. And it changes like the trip.

[00:36:57]Yeah.

[00:36:58]>> Yeah.

[00:36:58]>> I would be the first person who will say, "Okay, never mind. I'll just go ahead. Peace out." I I think I'll say um how about you continue your parents? We just find like one day to like meet up cuz I still want to Why should I miss out on the trip? It was my idea. True, true, true, true, true.

[00:37:13]>> Okay. As fun as it's been discussing these dilemas, every friendship is different with its own dynamics, boundaries, and emotional capacities.

[00:37:21]There's no one definition of a good friend, which is true. I feel like >> you can be a good friend to someone, right? And I can do the exact same thing to someone else and they be like, "You're not supporting me in the way I need." M >> and to them that's a bad friend.

[00:37:32]>> So maybe the better question isn't what should my friend do, it's who am I choosing to be in this friendship?

[00:37:41]>> Cuz sometimes like some people are just not meant to be friends.

[00:37:43]>> I'm choosing to be the supper friend.

[00:37:46]>> Okay. But anyway, what friend you choose to be to a person says a lot about your values, your boundaries, the kind of relationships that you want to build and hold on to.

[00:37:56]>> Thanks so much for watching this episode of The Hot Pot. You can listen to us on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and Me Listen.

[00:38:00]>> And subscribe to our channel if you haven't already.

[00:38:03]>> And if any of these scenarios felt a little bit too personal, let us know in the comments.

[00:38:08]>> And we will see you on the next episode.

[00:38:10]>> Bye >> bye.

[00:38:11]>> What's the worst possible name for a baby? Wow, I got a lot of people. So if your surname is sun, right, you don't call your son like Chiao.

[00:38:20]>> Chuka, not near my house. Okay.

[00:38:22]>> Hey, I dare you say my house.

[00:38:25]>> No, then you go buy supper.

[00:38:27]Uh okay. Last time I got eaten.

[00:38:32]>> Next ready story. You are filming a podcast with a friend and one of the host asked the other host to go and check the camera.

[00:38:39]>> Actually this story quite lame already.

[00:38:41]Like how many times going to bring up?

[00:38:42]Honestly, it's not very funny anymore again. Yes.