Spiritually Speaking Jodie’s addendum to episode 8

Added: 2026-05-30

[00:00:01]Hey, y'all. This is number eight. I believe like this is maybe the last one before we start coming together. So, be prepared. We see a lot of messages that y'all are saying, you know, but I'm going to start off this one by saying like I'm not perfect and I never pretend to be.

[00:00:14]Truthfully like I don't think there's a single person on this earth that is, you know, but there is something that's different between somebody's flawed and somebody having bad intentions. And I can honestly say like my intentions was never evil toward my wife. You know, let that be known. I love her. I wanted to heal her from all my pain. I know she wanted to heal me, too.

[00:00:31]Man, we was we was together. We was partners. We took care of each other.

[00:00:35]We laughed a lot. We built a lot and I'm starting this story out because it's like we argued, we broke up.

[00:00:41]Y'all have been seeing it, you know, we're very transparent. We got back together. But even through all of that, there was still real love. That's what makes this like it makes it complicated, you know, but people online kept simplifying these relationships too much. They they feel like somebody got to be completely good and the other person got to be completely bad.

[00:01:01]And real relationships don't work like that.

[00:01:03]I see the comments. Sometimes it's two hurt people trying to carry completely emotional wounds.

[00:01:09]I'mma admit that though. I'mma admit I'mma admit this though. My wife can she can carry and articulate a whole lot better than me in deeply and emotional details and I struggle with that stuff.

[00:01:21]You know, so if there's a problem, just tell me.

[00:01:24]I'mma fix it. That's how I survive.

[00:01:27]That's how I operate in business. That's how I've always handled pressure. So, when them issues got brought to my attention, I fixed it.

[00:01:36]Plan A, plan B, plan C, I fixed it. If she didn't like what I was doing, I fixed it. I work on it. If she got hurt by something, I tried to correct it. If she needed reassurance, I tried to give it to her. Not because I was forced to. It's just because I cared, man. I genuinely cared, but that one thing that I struggled to understand at the time was this.

[00:01:56]Just because the behavior changed, doesn't mean that the pain disappears immediately.

[00:02:01]And that's my problem. That's what frustrated me the most because in my mind, if I'm actively actively fixing issues, then why are we still living inside the problem every single day?

[00:02:11]Who want to keep sitting there, you know, if that makes any sense? Like sitting in turmoil. I'm not somebody that just wakes up every day trying to create chaos. I'm not trying to bring bad energy in the house intentionally.

[00:02:22]So, if somebody like if something gets addressed on my as it is, okay.

[00:02:26]Let's heal. Let's move forward. Let's stop bleeding.

[00:02:30]Let's stop fighting.

[00:02:33]But emotionally, sorry. She wasn't there yet.

[00:02:37]She thought I just didn't care, you know, and that's what hurt me the most but not because I didn't understand she was wounded but because I was trying so hard.

[00:02:46]You know, and eventually like we just kept revisiting the same pain. Like all this stuff just kept making me shut down emotionally. From my perspective, if you bring something to my attention and I fix it, I'm not going to keep punishing you for it. You know what I'm saying? Like that's just not how I operate mentally, but this relationship taught me something differently. Like some people don't heal at the same speed that you apologize in.

[00:03:08]And that was hard for me to accept. So, around that time, right? Like I thought that just changing the energy would help everything, right?

[00:03:15]I thought giving her the wedding that she deserves. She never She said she never had a that wedding. So, I wanted these memories over the pain.

[00:03:21]Honestly, I went all in. I'm talking about the venues, the outfits, invitations, you know, guest list, planning, let me see, deposits. Man, money was going in and out.

[00:03:34]I felt like I was carrying all of it emotionally. You know what I'm saying?

[00:03:37]Maybe that sounds unfair, but that's genuinely how I was feeling at the time.

[00:03:42]Because in my mind, women, they dream about weddings more than the men do. So, I felt like I was the only one pressing press pressing and pushing the vision. It started me.

[00:03:53]She started getting in and more involved when she got that dress and then certain things start moving. But it just it still felt emotionally disconnected like the whole entire time she kept worrying about perception.

[00:04:03]What people going to say? What they going to think? How things going to look? What people online going to say?

[00:04:08]You know, and I kept saying like this is about us. I only see you.

[00:04:14]Tunnel vision. I've never really cared what other people say about me. I always post online for myself.

[00:04:20]People online they going to always judge and they going to say anything. But so many things that I posted in the past though, I'll be because of our history because trust was already messed up. She cared heavily about perception and outside opinions.

[00:04:34]So, I think that energy just followed her right into the wedding planning. And on top of that some of her friends start falling apart.

[00:04:41]You know, people start pulling away.

[00:04:44]You know, support systems start shifting.

[00:04:46]The whole meanwhile, I come from a whole family and friend base. So, I'd never had problem with getting people to come to the wedding. So, little by little I started knowing and knowing and noticing her pulling away from the emotion and the wedding itself.

[00:04:59]That's when I resentment start building up. I kept asking, if you don't want this, then we ain't got to do this.

[00:05:04]You know, we were already married. You know, so I didn't want a performance either. I didn't want a production either. You know, I wanted this to mean something because she's never had nothing. I wanted her to I wanted her to be happy. But then I start realizing how much money was tied into everything.

[00:05:17]Money we couldn't even recover. You know, and I was already drowning under pressure. That just started become overwhelming mentally.

[00:05:25]People don't understand what was like I was carrying underneath this underneath this. Like there's the bankruptcy, the business the bad weather messing up the shops, you know, the employees depending on me lawyers, you know what I'm saying?

[00:05:37]Co-parenting issues, let me see, ex-wife situations holiday expenses, birthdays, Christmas, New Years.

[00:05:46]I was still trying to provide for everybody while not trying to collapse myself. And through all that, like I was still trying to like maintain and see if my wife got loved the best way I do how like that's why does I I even said like a destination wedding. I thought like okay, if I got rid of everybody else then from the equation no opinions, no pressure.

[00:06:05]We'd be all right, man. No social media energy, just me and her.

[00:06:09]But what I failed to realize the damage from earlier seasons of our relationship was still living inside her emotionally. And because I'm such a move forward person, like I struggle I struggle understanding it like why we just couldn't start fresh if the behavior changed. So I kept saying stuff like either you forgive and forget or forgive and never forget. But if you can't either do neither one, then move on.

[00:06:33]And honestly those statements came from more from like exhaustion than cruelty.

[00:06:39]It just we kept bumping heads constantly and eventually I started pulling away to isolation, you know, not because I like wanted women or not because I wanted to cheat.

[00:06:48]Not because I wanted to destroy my marriage. I just wanted peace.

[00:06:53]Sometimes going to get food alone by myself was therapeutic because it was like one of the few moments that I didn't have to hear criticism, attention, emotional heaviness or conflict, right? But sometimes I just turn into like you're outside. You're looking for something.

[00:07:06]You're moving funny.

[00:07:08]And where reality is like I just felt like I needed air. I'm grown. I don't want control over every movement I make.

[00:07:15]You know, especially when my heart I know I ain't doing nothing wrong.

[00:07:20]That became another disconnect between us, you know, because it's like then she was want to talk about wanting her space and then independent emotionally, but when I wanted a moment to myself, too, it felt like it was a different standard to that.

[00:07:31]You know, meanwhile, I kept saying like we should still have our own hobbies, our own moments, our own individuality.

[00:07:38]You know, that doesn't mean that there's not as less love. And honestly, I felt controlled.

[00:07:44]But at the same time, like I understand now like when that trust is damaged before, even harmless things can start feeling suspicious. You know, that's what I understand now.

[00:07:54]I didn't fully understand that back then, you know, and tending emotional impact is not always the same thing. I may not have intended to trigger her fears or insecurity or her emotional distance, but that doesn't mean that those feelings weren't real. And then marriage becomes difficult when both people miss feel misunderstood. One person feels controlled.

[00:08:14]One person feels unsafe.

[00:08:16]One person wants peace. The other person wants reassurance.

[00:08:21]One person wants resolution. The other person still needs like emotional healing. You know, when those two people love each other deeply, it just becomes painful because neither person feels sane. You know, but despite all the arguments, all the exhaustion, all the resentment, all the misunderstandings, I still wanted my wife. Not distractions.

[00:08:42]Not no random people. I just wanted her.

[00:08:45]Even if we sat in silence, you know, I played a game, she'd color, and even if we were in different rooms, even if things felt off awkward, like despite everything, home was still her. And I think that's what makes situations like this so painful. Sometimes it's two people love deeply and we're still trying to figure this out and stop hurting each other.

[00:09:04]So, in a nutshell, this is exactly everything we've been going through, you know, so from my perspective and her perspective, I hope you understand, you know, where things were coming together, where things were falling apart, where things were still falling apart and getting worse till where we're trying to come back today and trying to glue all this stuff piece by piece by piece, you know, build this brick by brick until one day we'll get there.

[00:09:30]So, make sure y'all follow along. I'm not going to go too long with this and uh you know, tell me what you think. Leave some comments because I do want to engage back with more people um on a male's perspective and just being honest and transparent, y'all. So, this is helping me because this is like a form of therapy um and my wife does that.

[00:09:52]I'm looking forward to uh us coming together because I love that woman.