Avoidants Push Back When You Get Closer—Here's What's Actually Happening

Added: 2026-05-18

[00:00:00]Hi there. I'm Coach Craig Kenneth. And  I'm Coach Victoria. And in this video, we're going to be talking to you about seven  surprising triggers for an avoidant. And they aren't all bad. You know, a lot of people kind of  think that an avoidant is going to get triggered by bad things like maybe an argument or something  like that. But a lot of times they're triggered by things that would be relatively good in a  relationship. And when that happens, you're like, I don't understand what happened. Things were  going really well. We talked recently about um the couple that got engaged and they got and  dumped the next day after they got engaged. Uh I mean, things like that happen all the time. Um  but why are these things happening? It would seem that if things are so good, they'd be happy to be  with you. Well, when attachment issues are there, it doesn't quite work like that. Um, avoidance  can shut down. They create distance. They push you away and even leave relationships even when  they have really strong feelings for you. So, we're going to talk about that today. Yeah. And  we have to remember that we're talking about a fundamentally distrusting kind of attachment  style here, right? This was developed because they learned to not trust others to help them and  to protect them. So, remind yourself of that. This is coming from that place of vulnerability and  is difficult for them too. So, we're going to talk about an array of triggers. The first being  pressure for emotional vulnerability. And this on your partner's end, you know, on your end might  come from a very well-intentioned place. You might be saying, "I want this person to feel  comfortable. I want them to open up. I want to get to know them. I want to be supportive of  them. I want to know their traumas and be there."

[00:01:44]But sometimes, and you know, we especially as  therapists and clinicians can be super guilty of this. We play therapist in our relationship and  this can show up in a very difficult dynamic right now. We're trying to get this information out of  our partner. They feel pressured. They shut down more. They don't know what your motives are, your  incentives are here. They feel distrusting that you want them to open up. And this can be really  triggering for them. Even if you mean well. Yeah.

[00:02:14]Yeah. Opening up is very triggering. You would  think that people would feel good about it, but a lot of times it brings up trauma and a  lot of unresolved issues, right? And you know, on your end, you might just be wanting to have  those deeper kind of emotional conversations or talking about feelings or maybe you're needing  some reassurance. And so what closeness feels like for you, it can feel like pressure for  them. So just remember that part, you know, that in itself can be a trigger. And I think we  have other videos on um you know how to approach avoidance with you know emotionally sensitive  topics and things like that. Yeah. Another big thing that we see with avoidance is that if  they feel like their need for space is denied they're going to push back. Um and you know  many times it's just accidental. If you see somebody is you know needing a little space and  sometimes they ask for it, sometimes they don't.

[00:03:10]Sometimes they just take it. Um maybe they want  to go out with their friends more or just spend more time alone or they just need a mental break.  A lot of times if they're with an anxious partner especially if they're like badgering them like  I know what let's talk what's bothering you.

[00:03:27]I know and they talk about this and and they're  just like they can't handle it, right? You know the feeling. It's not even about the words.  The feelings that come from you and you start and they are just like they they they feel like  they're trapped. They feel like I can't deal with this. I I can't handle this. And they start to  push back um because they need their autonomy a bit. Um you may see them get irritable, you know,  they lash out, they say a nasty comment to you and sometimes they'd start a fight. Oh yeah. you know,  just to because they know if you fight, you know, you won't talk for a couple. I've heard as far  as people making up things that would anger the other person just to leave them alone. Yeah. You  know. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. They they'll come up with things that aren't even a big deal just  cuz they're desperately looking for something to get that space. But when you, you know, keep  pushing them, it actually makes them push back even further and harder. Mh. So you have to be  aware of your own internal hypervigilance to repair and force the repair before they're  ready. Mhm. So the next one is when things are actually going good and there's been a step  in emotional vulnerability. So let's say you do have that conversation. Let's say they are um not  needing as much space as usual and they kind of give in a little bit. Maybe they're enjoying that  connection. Maybe things are starting to seem a little bit too good to be true, right? So, even  in those moments where it seems like things are going smoothly and the back of the avoidance mind  is this can't be trusted. Something's going to go wrong any minute. Um it's never this peaceful. I  always have to be on alert. I always have to have my guard up. So, sometimes things will be flowing  very well in a relationship. Sometimes you might be feeling um as if you know as a couple you've  been making a lot of strides and then there can be some regression there because they're worried  about what that going well means or what it could lead to and and how um quickly things can escalate  when it feels like things are going well. Yeah.

[00:05:36]Like oh well now we're now she's going to really  want to get married. Things have been going so well for a while and they and they get scared  and sabotage things. Okay. So these this is some surprising ones. These are the good things. Trips  and vacations. And this is so common. If I had to list like the most common one, it would probably  be around this. Yeah. Yeah. You You go on a vacation, but listen, vacations are stressful. Oh,  yeah. You know, you're like sometimes you're like, "Where are we going? What are we doing?  There's pressure. Your routine is messed up. Uh there's flights and travel time and  you get tired from that kind of stuff." And you would think that because it's such a great  thing. Boy, I've seen a lot of avoidance break up with somebody or or start start a big fight  on the trip over something small to have that space because if you think about it, it's like a  teamwork activity and it takes trust. You know, I have to trust that you're going to have your  passport and your boarding pass and you know, be organized and we can coordinate. And so there's  a lot that goes into it yet, but yes, there's a lot of triggers within trips and vacations. And  you know, even for couples that live together, right, you are spending a good amount of time  together, but you still have work. You still have other things that you do kind of in between  that breaks up your time together. On a vacation, most of the time it's 24/7. And and you're a lot  of times in a small like room. You don't have a lot of physical space from each other, too. Yeah.  And and the their routine is messed up. A lot of avoidance like their routine. That's true. That  is very true. So, look out for that. You know, if you if you have an upcoming trip with an  with somebody who leans more avoidant, you know, just take things easy. Yeah. You got to give them  a little space even on the vacations. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:07:19]That's true. Now, the next one is bringing  up commitment or the future too soon. Now, the interesting one about this one and  the reason why it's surprising is because sometimes it is them that brings it up. Sometimes  it's them that's saying, "Oh my gosh, you know, a lot of times we should move in together soon."  Or, "Oh, let's look at rings." Right? So they could be the one provoking the progression.  A trademark that provoking the progression, right? And then they are also the ones that  get triggered. And I I see this as, you know, a chewing off, biting off more than you can chew  type of situation, you know, where they come on very strong. They get this excitement.  They're finally connecting with someone, which for um an avoidant is very scarce. You know,  it's very difficult to trust. But when they don't, you know, have um too much stake in the game,  it's easier to do that, right? So they can come on strong and then they realize what they've done  once they realize, oh crap, this means actual commitment. This means actual obligation. This  means actual work. Well, the idea of it sounds like an beautiful fantasy, but the reality of it  is much more challenging to live it every day.

[00:08:24]Oh yeah. You know, a lot of time now people are  calling it future faking. Yeah. Right. I mean, we we've seen this for years. Uh but you know,  it's that avoidant fantasy of it feels magical.

[00:08:36]It feels like we're going to be get married  and have kids together and have this fantasy and then by month three they're like I can't do  this. Yeah. Yeah. And for them it's that fear you brush your teeth twice a day. Can't stand it. It's  usually something like what? Why would you want to end it over this? Yeah. And I've heard really  ridiculous ones too where it's you know really really reaching. So Oh yeah. Well they can't come  up with anything real real because you often times have treated them so well. Mhm. Especially in  the beginning when there hasn't even been time to fight or something like that. Yeah. For them,  they feel like they're losing that independence for them now. You know, it's starting to become  very real and that's something that could be very triggering for them and cause them to step back  and re-evaluate and doubt and have questions. So, you know, consider that. If you find somebody  who's very, very eager to move things on very quickly, pace yourself. And you know you can  also set the pace for an excited coming on strong avoidant person you know and some sometimes that's  something I hear from you all where it's you know I was the one that was kind of leaning back and  like oh are you sure about this and I don't know so that does happen and pace yourselves okay pace  yourselves all right this one happens a lot too high emotion events weddings holidays meeting  family huge right it's it feels like so much pressure that these things become overwhelming  and then there's a fight. Something small causes a fight and next thing you know you're arguing at  3:00 in the morning over something silly because it's not really about the issue. The issue isn't  really the issue. It's about the pressure of the expectations, the the, you know, idea, oh my  gosh, now I've met their friends or family. Now, this means we're more serious and and I now I have  to worry about what these other people think about me. Yeah. Yeah. There can be a lot more pressure  there. And just the themes, you know, if you go to a wedding and you're hearing all about commitment,  you're watching other people do that, that can be really triggering because then you start to  think, are we next? And what does that mean? And, you know, it can feel like a lot of pressure.  So, consider all of those things. Events, emotional events can come with their intensity  to it. Once again, pace yourself. You know, try to take things easy as you go about these  events and always give options, right? And I know many of you do where you'll tell your partner  um or you have told your ex, hey, you can come to this if you'd like. This is an optional, right? I  find that pressuring to these events can sometimes lead to even more attention. Absolutely. So, just  consider those things. All right. The final big one is life stress and emotional overload.  And I say this because so many of us who are anxious that are in a relationship with somebody  who's more avoidant self-lame. Oh, I'm the reason why they're pulling back. And because of that  self-lame, you are micromanaging all of your behaviors. If I breathe too heavy, then they're  going to leave me. If I stomp too hard and walking out the house, they're going to leave me. You  know, you start to analyze every behavior and you think that all of their avoidant reactions  are because of you. We don't live in a bubble, you know. We don't live in a bubble. We live in a  world with other people and external factors and external influences. And so it could be something  else going on in their life that's affecting how emotionally available they are with you. People  handle stress in different ways. And those who are more avoidant tend to shut down, close in, kind  of act like a turtle in their shell. Absolutely.

[00:12:16]You know, if you're going through a situation  where these things have happened and you feel terrible about it, you may feel like it was my  fault or I did something wrong here. It doesn't mean you necessarily did anything wrong. And that  can be even the more confusing component about it is if you didn't do anything quote unquote wrong,  you know, it's it's all about them and them just feeling overwhelmed. It's an awful feeling. And  unfortunately, oftentimes you guys are the ones feeling the real pain of it when they're the ones  walking away and you're like, "We were supposed to get an apartment." Mhm. And now they're leaving  or we just move in together and it's only been 3 months and they're leaving because the cat box.  We're arguing about the cat box. Yeah. Things like that. So, these are all normal things that we see  with avoidance because emotional connection can be overwhelming and too much and it leads to these  arguments. And nobody's going to be perfect. But you really want to do your best to understand  these triggers, whether you're doing things to trigger them or if you're the one getting  triggered, learning to be more okay with these things and and the differences that your partner  has so you can make a loving relationship work.

[00:13:37]Yeah. when to prepare. You know, I find that  sometimes when people are experiencing these triggers either from for themselves or seeing  their partner go through these triggers and they're not aware of it, they start to question  everything, you know. So, we tell you all of this just so that you can emotionally prepare yourself  a little bit. Okay, there's a big event coming or we have some trips planned. You know, prepare  yourself emotionally on how to handle these things if these are triggers to your avoidant  partner or to yourself. Yep. The more you're aware of these things, the better you're going to  be likely to navigate them and not just blindly surprise by them. Right. Exactly. All right.  Hopefully this one's been helpful to you. If you'd like to get our help personally, you could  do that on my website, askcraig.net. I do email coaching and I do Zoom calls. Coach Victoria is  also available for Zoom calls. I'm here whenever you'd like to chat. Just click on her name at the  top of the website to schedule with her. That's it for this video. I'm Coach Craig Kenneth. And I'm  Coach Victoria. And we will talk with you soon.