On the Death of my Family (my choice)

Added: 2026-05-24

[00:00:00]Hey guys, thank you for clicking on this video. Um, obviously, if you couldn't tell by the title, it's not a a gaming video.

[00:00:08]Um, so I like to do these from time to time, especially if you're new to the channel. Hello, my name is Ash. Um, and I like to Why am I making this video, right? It sounds cliche, but it's true.

[00:00:20]Is if I can make an impact, a practical impact in a positive way on one person's life, even if it's just for a day, I think that it is such a gift. Um, um, and this YouTube, you know, I'm I'm using this YouTube channel as a tool, as a as a tool to surreptitiously try to help somebody out there, you know, to help somebody out there. If not now, then maybe later down the road. Um, honestly, I've been given this little platform here, you know, covering covering gaming on YouTube, and I'm so grateful for it. I'm so grateful for you guys. I truly truly am. I mean, I'm I'm old enough, going to be 44, I'm old enough to have that perspective of before internet, before America online, and I just know that if I I I was to go speak to the little version of myself, the little teenager, preteen, or whatever, and said, "Hey, you're going to cover video games for a living." Oh God, that little me would have been so proud of me right now, you know, and that gives me such joy. It really does.

[00:01:23]But, given that platform that I have here, right, even though it's a little corner niche corner of the internet of YouTube, um, I feel like I've always had a yearning to do more, you know, to do more to to spread more good, more more to help people out there, right?

[00:01:40]In a world that seems to be just overflowing with negativity. And it's it's the media that we live in, you know, it's it's everything, digital media or mainstream media, right? I mean, negativity sells, and that's all we see, you know? You can always look for something in this world to be upset about. You really can. Uh you can you don't have to look very hard either, right? There's always something ready to bring you down, to bum you out. Um and it's a cruel, cold world in a lot of ways, in a lot of ways. Um especially if you're living through that perspective.

[00:02:12]But what I what I want to do, what I endeavor to do, is again, um not just just to share a a sob story with you guys, but rather to to to share a little bit of positivity, a little bit of strength that I know a video like this will not resonate with any with everybody, maybe anybody. Fruedian slip there. Um but it it it might not resonate with everybody. It's not going to be It's not going to hit you at a time that is the right thing for you to hear, you know? It might be a big eye roll or whatever. And and I respect that and I and and thanks for clicking on the video. Might want to click off. But um I want to share a little bit of a personal story, um but I also want to share my choice.

[00:02:51]And I think that's the theme around around this video, why I'm making it. Um because it it it's it's more it it's more than loss, you know? I'm going to talk about personal loss. I'm going to share some some big life news. My life is about to change forever as well, um with you guys. Um but it's all about the choice that we all have in life, you know? And we have this choice every minute of every day. Um so a little bit before we go there, a little bit of my my backstory. I've I've been open with my losses before, um but I lost my sister when she was just a little girl, when I was just a little guy. I was only 4 years old. Um and then I lost my brother, you know, who was my world, Shawn. Um and about 10 years ago.

[00:03:34]And I was kind of like, you know, always a big brother to him. I was 4 years older. I'm the eldest in the family. Um and also I was a caretaker to Shawn in his adult years, you know? Um he was in his late 20s when he passed away of a grand mal seizure. His heart stopped. It was incredibly sudden, incredibly devastating. Um but also I I a lot of purpose. I hadn't realized this till subsequently, but I found a lot of purpose in being a caretaker and taking care of my brother and being his his protector in some ways. I know I know uh um maybe a lot of people feel that way about those that they look out for.

[00:04:06]Maybe a younger sibling, maybe a son or a daughter or another family member or just a friend. Um So, and he was such a joy such a joy to have in my life, you know? And I lost my mom as well sudden stage four cancer very healthy woman and and you know, she was a nurse and I uh I dealt with my I don't want to say hypochondria, but ever since I was a little kid, I've always been preoccupied with death and in meaning and existence and maybe it's what led me to making a video like this on a on a gaming YouTube channel, right? Um but I've always I remember being a little kid just laying in bed ruminating on on the fact that I'll die someday, you know? And my loved ones might die and they did, you know? They did. Um so, I was really broken, you know? Um lost my sister then my mother and then my brother and after I lost my brother, I was I was a really I was broken. I was engaged at the time and we we ended up splitting up and uh it was all on me, you know? I just I just became so isolated. And that's the same time that YouTube was kicking off for me. I'd been making YouTube YouTube videos in Clash of Clans for a couple years. Um in 2014 to 2016, my brother passed away in 2016.

[00:05:22]So, I just head down I uploaded two videos a day or at least one video a day for gosh nearly 12 years now. You know?

[00:05:32]Um and it's this is what got me into YouTube. This is how I've been so consistent over two channels thousands and thousands of videos. It's also been isolating, but that was by design, you know? Cuz I think that a busy person is always uh I don't know. I think that being useful and and staying busy has always been important to me as an individual, you know? Um anyway, it gives me a sense of meaning and purpose in in my own world, in my own head, you know? But anyway, I share all that because I realized something. I realized something very important throughout this loss, and we all go through our losses, and I don't mean to make this video about death. It's not about death. It's about grief.

[00:06:15]And it's about suffering.

[00:06:17]And I guess more so than grief, it's about suffering. That's that's what I want to share with you guys, my choice, you know?

[00:06:23]And this choice pertains to everything, all the ways that you may be suffering out there. Maybe you're in a marriage that you don't want to be in. Maybe you feel trapped because of social situations. Maybe you feel trapped at work. Maybe you're feel trapped because of money. Maybe you feel depressed.

[00:06:40]Maybe you feel isolated. Maybe you feel like no one's looking out for you. Um there could be so many things, you know?

[00:06:47]But I found that the more people I meet, and even myself at times, kind of guilty of of developing a narrative about ourselves that that is only true in our heads.

[00:07:00]So, we experience pain. We experience pain through through injuries, through, you know, disease, and then through, you know, social, parasocial, you know, friends and whatnot and family members.

[00:07:13]When someone brings you down, when someone insults you, whatever.

[00:07:16]Um the way that we self-talk to we are to ourselves can cause us pain right as well. When I lost my loved ones, it caused me great pain, you know? Um and that's natural, that's part of life, and we're all going to we're all going to experience that. There's nothing we can do about it, and it's okay to experience it. It's okay to lean into it. It's okay to acknowledge it, embrace it, see it, identify it, and spend time with it, you know?

[00:07:40]Um it's normal to feel pain.

[00:07:43]But then there's suffering. Then there's suffering, totally different, right? And what I ended up doing is suffering to me is the story we tell ourselves about the pain that we experience.

[00:07:54]Suffering is the the story that we tell ourselves. And when I say tell ourselves, I'm talking about we all tell ourselves stories even if you don't realize it, right?

[00:08:04]And then because we're humans love to do this. We love to find and extract meaning and then develop a narrative even subconsciously on why things the way are the way they are. A lot of the time it it's about blaming something else or somebody else for our circumstances, right? And when there's no one else to blame, often times the blame falls on ourselves. We end up talking negatively to ourselves, right?

[00:08:29]I kind of fell into all those traps.

[00:08:32]But what I ended up doing more than that, more than the blame and stuff like that, after all those losses, I fell into a depression, a deep depression.

[00:08:39]And I started to tell myself a story and weave a narrative about how like I'm a I'm somebody who everybody I I really Not everybody, but a lot of the people I really really loved in life, um, I lost them. I lost them. And I'm I'm kind of I kind of identified started to identify myself as a broken person and to a certain extent.

[00:09:03]And then I would tell myself other stories about myself. Oh, I get social anxiety, so I I like to stay to myself.

[00:09:09]I like to, you know, these things that I would just say, either to myself or to friends or whatever, you know? And then I realized that this is is pain now manifesting into suffering.

[00:09:24]Again, the story we tell ourselves about the pain that we experience.

[00:09:28]And once I realized that, I was able to change the way that I think about my life, that I think about my pain that I've encountered in my life, right? Um so in my before I tell you my own personal story, just to take it down a notch from grief and loss and and that sort of like really acute pain. Um I even see this cuz I work with creators, hundreds, thousands of creators in my in my day job outside of uh the YouTube channels.

[00:09:56]And I see this manifest in very very more benign ways, right? I and I see creators tell themselves stories about why they're not successful.

[00:10:06]I don't have enough time. I don't have the right equipment. I don't have the right game knowledge. I don't have enough charisma. I'm not entertaining enough. But it's the or the algorithm's punishing me.

[00:10:19]You know, that's a big one. The algorithm doesn't like my channel, you know?

[00:10:23]But there's always stories. And I feel like the more we repeat those stories to ourselves, the more it becomes our reality. Because as humans I I don't say this in fa- to don't take this at face value. But as a humans, whoever you are watching this video right now all that really matters, and I don't say this in an egotistical way all that really matters is us. I mean sure, you're real, I'm real, right? This is not solipsism, but every our worlds are only like when we die, the world will ostensibly end for every for for for us, you know? Cuz you I even you watching me, right? Is just you. It's your world, your perspective. So I say that because you have a choice on how you want to live your world, what you want to worry about, right? I'm a I'm a worried wart, you know? I worry about everything. I always think about worst-case scenarios.

[00:11:19]But we also have a choice to tell ourselves a different story, you know?

[00:11:24]Because and we have a choice how do we see cuz we're all going to have problems and dilemmas in life and confrontation and conflict and and pain.

[00:11:33]But we have a choice on how we want to experience and approach that, right? So, I learned I shared this before, but I've learned to play with a light touch.

[00:11:43]I'll get back really quickly to my choice in a moment. Sorry, a little scattered here. No notes, as usual.

[00:11:48]Um but I learned to play life with a light touch. Meaning, I used to I borrowed this from like an Alan Watts uh thing I had heard, you know, years ago.

[00:11:58]But I used to treat my life like a classical conductor, where every note had to be perfect and the volume had to be perfect or I would get scattered, anxious, and I would just get, you know, off track very easily.

[00:12:13]But now I try to play life like a jazz musician, where I go with the flow. The notes may change, curveballs may hit me, but I try to roll with the punches a little bit, because honestly a lot of life is outside of our control. You know, it's the old adage of focus on things you can control and letting go of things you can't, you know, to a certain extent. But even when curveballs hit me, even if they're very difficult, I go, "Oh, interesting that life's thrown me throwing this my way, you know? Interesting that the universe is throwing this my way. How can I play this?" Cuz I that's the choice. That pause, that interesting that this is happening to me.

[00:12:51]Usually you'd want to say say at least me I'd want to say, "Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening to me." You know? But instead I go, "Interesting.

[00:12:58]How do I want to play this?" And I'm not saying you treat things take life as a game like nothing matters, but truthfully going back to what I said, all that really matters is for me, for you, is what is you. You know, it's like how you see things. So, you're given a choice. So, my choice was um in to to play with a light touch.

[00:13:20]And not to say that I don't feel the pain of my loss. Of course I feel the pain of my loss. I miss them every day.

[00:13:25]Um and everything else that happens in life, right? But, I chose to not to be corny or whatever about it, but I chose to just try to embody the best things about my loved ones who I lost, you know? And I tried to carry on their memory, you know, if only for me, you know, and them, you know? In in kind of an intimate way, and try to make them proud, but make me proud of myself, and try to be the best version of myself. I fail a lot.

[00:13:52]Fail a lot.

[00:13:53]But, I try to be the best version of myself, you know? Because everybody I feel like everybody can be bad or good.

[00:14:01]We all fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, but I try to true choose to be good. I try to, you know, I try my best.

[00:14:07]Um So, I tried to I I I made a choice that I would stop going to tell myself these negative stories, that I am a victim, that people that I love die, you know, that I'm going to die. Oh, no, the world's going to end cuz I'm going to die, you know? And I stopped focusing so much on that.

[00:14:24]And I started to appreciate, try to appreciate, even faking it till I made it, you know?

[00:14:30]I tried to show gratitude and kindness on a daily basis to at least one person, you know?

[00:14:34]I tried to re-identify, tell myself a new story about myself, you know? And it made me feel good, it made others that I love feel good. It made people like, you know, people that I don't even know, hopefully, you know, here and there on YouTube or something feel good, you know? And then that gave me great a lot of joy, and I felt like I was kind of living for I was especially my my mom and my brother, my sister who I barely knew, but I still feel her spirit to a certain extent, you know, maybe in a cosmic sense, in me.

[00:15:04]And um and I feel like I'm a better person, I'm much happier, and I feel like I'm doing them a service, their memory a service as well, you know? I'm still being who I want to be, but I made a choice one day when I was in a deep deep despair, you know, a really bad day, and I made a choice that I'm going to try to play with a light touch, and I'm going to try to just do the best I can and try to let everything else go.

[00:15:29]As someone who does like to ruminate and worry and and all those things and anxious, you know, at times, um it can be challenging on a day-to-day basis. I have certainly have not mastered it, but it's given me great, great, great joy and hope in life and meaning in life, purpose in life, confidence in life since I let that go.

[00:15:48]It's a lesson that I want to share with with my son um someday.

[00:15:52]So, I say my son, and I didn't know then. I didn't know then when I lost all those loved ones, that just a year later, 2017, my life was about to change in the most positive way that I could ever imagined.

[00:16:07]My little baby was born, and he was is just the best. The best my best friend.

[00:16:14]And I didn't know when I was stressed out about YouTube channel and, you know, my relationship with the developer that I thought that we were at odds back in the day, that everything would be okay, that I'd be covering this and making videos like this on on, you know, I I the things that I used to worry about don't really matter that much.

[00:16:32]And life ended up being okay. That's why I start every video saying, you know, things seem often times I'll say in that my intro sending some love and positive vibes your way, especially if you need it out there. And then sometimes I go on and I say, you know, if you're really feeling down, just know that things can and will get better because I'm speaking to the person that I was when I was at my worst. I remember the vividly the moment, you know? And um I didn't know at the time, and I didn't think at the time that things could get better. But my life got a lot better, and I'm sure I'll have doubt more pain, you know, in the future as well. But I try not to suffer anymore.

[00:17:12]And whatever stories you guys are telling yourselves about your life, especially if you're in pain, Maybe your life is perfect right now. And if it is, well, golly, thanks for watching this video 17 minutes in.

[00:17:24]Um, but maybe you will need this, you know, someday. Maybe you already know it. Maybe you could teach me a thing or two. So, I appreciate that, too, in the in the comments. But, um, listen, I don't want to make this a half an hour long or just ramble and ramble and ramble, but I did want to share with you guys cuz it it's changed my life. It's changed my life in a big, big way. Um, so, I guess we can end there, but the news, how my life is changing, by the way, at the end, is what I didn't know, you know, even a few weeks ago, is that, um, my fiance, Lindsey, uh, told called me and told me that she is is pregnant.

[00:18:00]Um, so, that's really cool. I'll be having another child. And then just last week she called and said that there's two heartbeats. There's there's twins, you know. So, um, obviously, it's only a a couple months in here, but there's a lot of changes that are going to be coming ancillary to that, even in addition to the new ones in my life. And, um, man, I'm here for it. It's a lot. Change can be difficult in life, especially as you get older, you know, you become more set in your ways, of course. Um, but I'm here for the ride. I'm playing with a light touch. Sending you some love, positive vibes. I appreciate you clicking on a video that has nothing to do with gaming. It really does mean a lot to me. Much love, and as always, take care, guys.