Motherless daughters: Coming together

Added: 2026-05-11

[00:00:01]For those who've lost their mothers, especially at an early age, Mother's Day can be bittersweet indeed. But as Faith Sy tells us, there's strength in community.

[00:00:16]On a mountaintop in Northern California, a group of women met for the first time.

[00:00:21]>> This is the picture I have of my mom.

[00:00:23]>> They call themselves motherless daughters. These women were all aged 21 or younger when their moms died. Many from illnesses like cancer, some more suddenly. We say at every retreat there may be 20 women who came to the retreat, but there's 40 women in the room. And it's a way to reaffirm that these aren't just women who died, they're also women who lived, and many of them live joyously. Hope Edelman is the mother of motherless daughters. Since the first retreat in 2016, over 500 women have attended at locations across the country.

[00:00:59]>> How many of you have felt that your life story has been divided into a before and after >> the gatherings like this one at Mount Madonna include deep conversation >> and then take your arms up towards the ceiling, reach up, >> yoga, sharing of meals, >> I don't remember her voice, >> and sharing of tears.

[00:01:21]And even though some participants call this sad camp, there is lots of laughter.

[00:01:27]>> She loved to play pranks. Um, she would steal people's stuff at work and like leave them ransom notes for them to find it.

[00:01:37]>> Edelman says the women who come here feel seen.

[00:01:40]>> Our mother was usually the person who saw us.

[00:01:43]>> Yes. So many of us have not felt seen for a long time.

[00:01:48]>> I know this pain. I too am a motherless daughter. The older I get, the more I'm just grateful I had my mom.

[00:01:56]>> Yeah. That I had her for the time I had her. I'm now years older than my mom ever lived to be. Edelman's mother died in 1981 at age 42. Hope was just 17. My mom had been the person, the emotional center of the family. In the years following, she tried to find stories that could help her understand her grief, which led to an idea. When I started doing interviews and research and found other women and saw how similar our stories were, I knew there was going to be a book there.

[00:02:30]>> Her book, Motherless Daughters, published in 1994, was an instant bestseller.

[00:02:36]>> Dear Hope, 20 years ago, my mother died when I was 14.

[00:02:39]>> Over the decades, Edelman has received thousands of letters. Tears spring to my eyes in a moment when I remember her and the loss.

[00:02:48]>> Now, Motherless Daughters is far more than a book. It's a global support network and community founded by Edelman. What happens when Motherless Daughters find each other? There's an immediate sense of connection. One woman said years ago she felt like the alien finding the mothership.

[00:03:07]>> I've heard ever since I was little how much I look like her. Jenny Jouo says she'd never met another person who'd lost their mom to suicide as a child until she found this community. This is her third retreat.

[00:03:20]>> The women in the mother's daughters community, they mirror back my own heart, my own goodness, my own compassion.

[00:03:28]>> People often seek this sisterhood at turning points in their lives. A health crisis, motherhood, marriage, or when they hit the age their mother was when she died. Your mom was 47 when she died.

[00:03:41]>> Yeah.

[00:03:42]>> How old are you?

[00:03:43]>> I'm 47 this year.

[00:03:45]>> Shaina was 14 when her mother died.

[00:03:47]>> Oh. Financially.

[00:03:48]>> Oh. Open that.

[00:03:50]>> Now a mom with kids in their teens and 20s. She found herself in what she calls uncharted territory.

[00:03:57]>> Deep down inside that little girl, she's just there just going, "I just want to hug my mom. I just want my mom to tell me it's going to be okay." She was always there for people. If your mother dies when she's old, you likely miss what you had. If your mom dies when she's young, you miss what you never had.

[00:04:15]>> So, what didn't you get?

[00:04:20]>> A lot. I It's It's just a a deep deep longing to be able to call your mom, to be able to ask her, "How do I do this?

[00:04:30]What is happening to my body? What is happening in my heart, in my mind?"

[00:04:35]Shaina says that motherhood brought her a heartbreaking realization.

[00:04:40]>> I realized what she lost when she died cuz I do not want to miss anything with my kids. They have hard times. They have good times. I want to be there for all of them.

[00:04:54]>> Is losing your mother when you are young and she is young. Is that trauma?

[00:05:00]>> Yeah. It's an attachment trauma. It's a break in attachment and that's traumatic because your brain is constantly looking for your mother and she's not there.

[00:05:08]>> Angela Shelonburgg, a fellow motherless daughter, is a therapist and retreat co-f facilitator. She says these gatherings are so healing because they cause an actual shift in our bodies.

[00:05:20]>> There's something called co-regulation where our nervous systems feel each other. I know that sounds a little woo, but it does. But there's something about like just sitting in community and that settles the nervous system.

[00:05:34]>> I didn't talk about my mom for at least 40 years.

[00:05:37]>> What might surprise some is the age range at these retreats. Women in their 20s all the way up to daughters in their 80s.

[00:05:45]>> Marcia Noak is 81. But it's beautiful to have me and you and others as elders and the young who can share their life experiences and be able to talk about it.

[00:05:59]>> Yeah.

[00:06:00]>> I went 30 years without >> seeing other women, >> those little girls that were living the same parallel world.

[00:06:08]>> Shaina found that those grown girls who share her sorrow also embody the best of what their moms left behind. Being able to see all of those moms together and then I would look at their living daughters and what they've all accomplished and who they are and >> I connected them and it was powerful.

[00:06:29]Hope Edelman reminds us that we can carry our mothers with the joy they would wish for us. There will always be a tinge of sadness that pops up from time to time because we wish our mom were there to witness our achievements, to help us through hard times. But we can celebrate her life in addition to grieving her absence. Both of those things can be true.