‘2 Broke Girls’ Out of Context

[00:00:00]I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to react.

[00:00:02]>> I knew you were going to get pregnant, DAMN IT.

[00:00:06]ALL RIGHT, FINE. We'll get THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

[00:00:08]>> NO.

[00:00:09]LOOK, we're being robbed and the guy in the suit might have a gun.

[00:00:12]>> Huh!

[00:00:13]>> No, no, no. Just do what I say and stay calm. I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag.

[00:00:20]>> I can't believe this is happening. Just when I SAVED $2.

[00:00:24]>> [laughter] >> I CAN'T DIE and I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform. I mean, IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

[00:00:32]>> [laughter] >> ARE YOU HAVING A HEART ATTACK?

[00:00:37]>> I'M PEEING.

[00:00:39]>> That's true. So, in a way, we're kind of a success. I mean, we did go from broke to broke even.

[00:00:45]We nailed it.

[00:00:48]I just wish we had a clear-cut sign that letting go of this place was the right thing to do.

[00:00:57]Hey, want a cat?

[00:00:59]>> [laughter] >> Excuse me?

[00:01:01]>> Cat?

[00:01:04]>> Yeah, I'll take some crack.

[00:01:05]>> [laughter] >> She said cat. We're looking for a nice home for a cat.

[00:01:09]>> Oh, so no crack?

[00:01:11]>> No.

[00:01:12]>> Well, why would I want a cat? I'M A CRACKHEAD.

[00:01:15]>> [laughter] >> YO, YO, YO, WHAT UP, CUPCAKE >> [laughter] >> I'M FIXING ME A MEAL, BE out you beaks like this, son.

[00:01:26]>> Uh, I don't know what's going on, but I'm pretty sure boys and girls aren't supposed to be socializing, right?

[00:01:32]>> Damn, sweetness. Your lips are moving, but your ass is doing all the talking.

[00:01:38]>> [cheering] >> Uh.

[00:01:41]Is that Yiddish?

[00:01:43]>> OH, BOYS, THERE YOU ARE. COME ON. SAY GOODBYE TO THE CUPCAKE LADIES.

[00:01:47]>> Nice to meet you.

[00:01:50]>> [laughter] >> Is this the woman who sexually harassed you?

[00:01:55]>> Yep, that's her. [laughter] OH, GOOD ONE. Really funny. Me harassing you? Come on, you're not even my type.

[00:02:05]>> [laughter] >> Caroline, this isn't a joke. Trust me, I've been through four of these.

[00:02:10]>> Wait, what's going on?

[00:02:12]>> Miss Channing, please don't address Carmen directly.

[00:02:14]>> Max?

[00:02:15]>> Max? Is that a pet name she has for you, Carmen?

[00:02:19]>> Yes.

[00:02:20]She also calls me caramel drizzle.

[00:02:24]>> Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out?

[00:02:27]They've been in my family for hundreds and hundreds of I don't think so, homeboy.

[00:02:36]>> [applause] >> You're in my HOUSE NOW, >> HELLO, MY GOOD PEOPLE.

[00:02:45]>> [laughter] >> YOU ARE QUITE FORTUNATE TODAY FOR A RICH PERSON HAS COME TO DINE IN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT.

[00:02:53]>> [laughter] >> CAROLINE, I WOULD LIKE A TABLE TOP IN Max's section, please, because it's high time she met the person I've been pretending not to be. The veil has been lifted. She was correct. I am the Monopoly Man.

[00:03:08]>> Miss Channing, do you have any knowledge of embezzlement of any kind taking place at the Channing Investment Group?

[00:03:14]>> No, I had no knowl- of any emb- embezzlement.

[00:03:21]>> Did you repeat that?

[00:03:23]>> Embezzlement.

[00:03:26]>> [laughter] >> Rut-roh.

[00:03:30]>> You're having a side effect. Tongue swelling, TS.

[00:03:33]>> Uh counselor, give us 1 second. What is going on?

[00:03:37]>> We took drugs.

[00:03:39]>> [laughter] >> Did she just say we took drugs?

[00:03:42]>> Very good, Leo. You must play charades.

[00:03:44]>> [laughter] >> Look, we did a drug trial to get money for this.

[00:03:47]>> What's the hold up, counselor?

[00:03:49]>> Just give her some water. I had this once, so goes away in an hour.

[00:03:51]>> You said vanilla almond soy sauce.

[00:03:54]>> [laughter] >> OH, PLEASE. I DIED ONCE. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE YOU.

[00:03:59]>> I'LL HAVE a tall cap, triple shot, half calf.

[00:04:01]>> Small scrap, nibble slap, HALF HALF.

[00:04:04]>> [laughter] >> THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

[00:04:09]>> TALL CAP, TRIPLE SHOT, half calf.

[00:04:11]>> Go, you're good at this. You should work at Starbucks.

[00:04:13]>> [laughter] >> I am good. I think I'm getting the hang of this. Now I JUST HAVE TO HOLY MOTHER, THAT'S HOT. [laughter] THIS THING HATES WOMEN SO MUCH, WE should call it Texas.

[00:04:24]>> OH MY GOD, MAX, THAT'S A $100 bill.

[00:04:26]>> How easy was that? And we didn't even have to open the shop. I mean, what is the problem with doing this?

[00:04:32]>> You're right. I overreacted. We're not selling pot, we're selling cupcakes. We didn't break any laws. There's nothing ILLEGAL ABOUT IT.

[00:04:39]>> [screaming] >> I DIDN'T KNOW. I DIDN'T KNOW.

[00:04:40]>> GO, GO, GO. TO THE DOOR NOW.

[00:04:43]>> PLEASE.

[00:04:43]>> GO, GO, NOW. PUT THE MATH DOWN. PUT THE MATH DOWN.

[00:04:50]>> SO.

[00:04:52]>> [laughter] >> FOR $500, you can come here and slap my spoiled, CLUELESS FACE.

[00:04:59]>> [laughter] >> AND CUT.

[00:05:02]PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

[00:05:03]>> GENIUS. Now here, take the camera. I want to film my video to raise $500 to slap you.

[00:05:09]>> Oh, hello, Caroline.

[00:05:11]>> [laughter] >> Sophie, I apologize for the other day. I was really tense, and I didn't mean it.

[00:05:16]I think you have a unique sense of style. You do so much with so little fabric.

[00:05:21]>> Hi, girl.

[00:05:23]>> [laughter] >> And I see you took my advice and got Polish Vogue.

[00:05:29]>> [laughter] >> How nice is this? We are finally on a romantic date. We just came from lunch at Rainbow Room, and I'm wearing my best Fila tracksuit.

[00:05:39]>> Now he's going to buy me something golden.

[00:05:42]Yeah, I want to be covered in gold. I want A GOLDEN SHOWER.

[00:05:50]>> JUNE IS A PROSTITUTE I PAID TO pretend so you would think we were happy as you and the father.

[00:05:56]Give me that.

[00:05:58]>> [laughter] [cheering] >> I told him I'm under a lot OF PRESSURE, SON.

[00:06:05]>> [laughter] >> THE TRUTH IS YOUR FATHER and I are no longer together.

[00:06:11]>> He had an affair with another woman who has big, fake ones like her.

[00:06:16]>> Max's breasts are real, Mrs. Lee.

[00:06:19]>> God bless.

[00:06:22]>> Speaking of that, I just had the most amazing orgasm. I mean, we've been having really great sex, but this morning I could not get enough of his protected growth ratio investment analysis. Hello, Caroline Channing, Wharton class of '09. That's our business proposal.

[00:06:40]And I would be a little embarrassed about what just happened if I didn't know that we're all just girls here.

[00:06:45]>> Can we move this along? I got a busted toilet and a pregnant dog at home.

[00:06:52]>> Why didn't you tell me she was under there?

[00:06:54]>> Oh, sorry. I wasn't expecting a monologue from Confessions of a Call Girl.

[00:06:58]>> Hi Antonia, it's me, Caroline.

[00:07:02]Should I kiss her? Family's right there watching. The lady before us kissed her.

[00:07:06]>> Go for it. Doesn't look like she'd fight you.

[00:07:09]>> [laughter] >> Okay, on the count of three. 1 2 No, Max, don't give it to the GAY BOY.

[00:07:16]>> [laughter] >> WHAT DO WE DO?

[00:07:21]Give it. We were giving it to them anyway. Not all of it. That's our cheesesteak money.

[00:07:26]See?

[00:07:27]See?

[00:07:29]Hi.

[00:07:30]>> [laughter] >> OH, HI. OH, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. It's your birthday.

[00:07:34]>> It's tomorrow.

[00:07:36]>> Okay. Okay, I can do better. See? Here we No, now here we go. WANT TO SEE ME TWERK?

[00:07:46]>> [cheering] [laughter] >> IF I HAD ANY FOOD, I WOULD THROW UP.

[00:07:52]>> OKAY. YEAH, have a seat. Let's have some bread.

[00:07:58]>> Has it really been that long since we had sex?

[00:08:00]>> Sweetie, after that dance, it's hard to believe you've ever had sex.

[00:08:04]>> HOW'S THE TOTS COMING?

[00:08:06]>> [laughter] >> HOT, YOU'RE NOT SAFE. BEEF.

[00:08:10]>> OOF, you haven't even finished a shell?

[00:08:12]That's the easiest part.

[00:08:14]>> Hot, THIS IS YOUR FACE.

[00:08:17]>> [laughter] >> WELL, I SHOULD GET GOING.

[00:08:20]>> I DIDN'T KNOW SHE COULD take to THE NEXT LEVEL.

[00:08:25]>> [laughter] >> WELL, I CAN CROSS THAT OFF MY BUCKET LIST.

[00:08:30]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> HEY.

[00:08:41]>> HI, THE GEEZER.

[00:08:46]>> THAT'S A LITTLE COLD. I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?

[00:08:49]>> DAN.

[00:08:51]>> [laughter] >> UH-HUH. DAN? SO, just Dan? You're not like a Danny or a Dantrel?

[00:08:57]>> Dan.

[00:08:59]>> [laughter] >> I need to get conditioner.

[00:09:01]>> Damn it, Max, I got a straight one.

[00:09:04]>> What makes you think he's straight?

[00:09:06]>> He keeps pushing my head down before I'm ready.

[00:09:09]>> Your father in prison?

[00:09:11]>> How are you doing?

[00:09:12]>> I'm doing great. I actually just found out that since Thanksgiving, they're allowing me to come see him for the first time.

[00:09:18]>> Well, that excitement will probably taper off after the full body cavity search.

[00:09:23]>> I don't know, I might like it. It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched.

[00:09:27]>> All right, pour the milk, >> [laughter] >> One cup milk. There, how's that? Good.

[00:09:37]Now into the mixer.

[00:09:41]There. How's that? Uh-uh.

[00:09:44]We're not playing rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal.

[00:09:47]>> [laughter] >> Just cover the bowl with the towel so it doesn't splash out and turn it on.

[00:09:53]Oh, it's not plugged in. Oh, right.

[00:09:57]No, NOT WITHOUT THE TOWEL.

[00:10:05]CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR AND I think it just did.

[00:10:09]Max, I feel so good about the possibilities. One night it could be a black American Express CARD IN THERE.

[00:10:17]>> [applause] >> MAX, [laughter] IS IT >> [laughter] >> OTHER NIGHTS IT'S A FRIENDLY LITTLE visit from OUR HOMELESS GUY.

[00:10:29]YOU SAID TO LOOK IN THINGS, RIGHT?

[00:10:34]MAX, LOOK. On my first try. Oh, slick.

[00:10:37]Whoever hid those is going to be pissed.

[00:10:39]Quality check.

[00:10:43]Fabric, sturdy, no mysterious crotch stains. Nice work, Nancy Drew.

[00:10:48]And look, they're designer. Summer 2009, $350 and for me today $5. That's a REDUCTION I LIKE.

[00:10:59]>> [screaming] >> $5.

[00:11:02]$5. $5.

[00:11:05]$5.

[00:11:07]MAX.

[00:11:08]Are you up?

[00:11:09]No.

[00:11:11]Max, are you mad?

[00:11:14]Yes. Are you up and mad?

[00:11:18]No and yes.

[00:11:20]Ugh, your bed's so soft. That's my boob.

[00:11:27]>> [laughter] >> HI, CAROLINE.

[00:11:32]>> [cheering and applause] >> SOPHIE, YOU WERE IN THE PARADE?

[00:11:39]>> OF course I was. You can't be a volunteer firefighter without being in the parade.

[00:11:44]>> You're a volunteer firefighter?

[00:11:47]>> Well, I do go down to the station voluntarily.

[00:11:51]>> [laughter] >> Besides, every fire station needs a pole, AND I'M IT, BABY.

[00:11:56]>> THAT'S WEIRD. For the first time in my life, I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I have a boyfriend and my FIRST BEE. I'M DYING.

[00:12:02]I'M GETTING STUNG. I CAN'T DIE. I HAVEN'T MADE MY COMEBACK YET. IN MY FANTASY, you and I move into that penthouse I bought with Jennifer Lawrence. It's right OVER THERE WITH THE ROOF GARDEN. SEE?

[00:12:16]>> [laughter] >> ARE YOU TWO ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

[00:12:23]>> FIRST, we build a Murphy bed. Next, a cupcake business. Then, Max, who knows what else?

[00:12:33]>> [laughter] >> Adjust the springs.

[00:12:36]No, that's perfect.

[00:12:38]>> I've been getting mad offers for these things tonight. I actually got to raise it to 300, or I walk, >> Oh, your hands are cold.

[00:12:50]>> [laughter] >> What did you call me?

[00:12:53]>> Nothing.

[00:12:53]>> THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

[00:12:55]SHE SAID 200, WE'LL PAY 200, AND YOU'LL take it. You'll shove it in your Hanes her way. Who are you wearing?

[00:13:03]You'll say, "Thank you, Max." And you'll [laughter] hit the bricks. Capiche?

[00:13:07]Caroline Cash.

[00:13:11]>> [laughter] >> Thank you, Max.

[00:13:13]>> What did you say?

[00:13:14]>> Thank you, Max.

[00:13:16]>> Forget the money. Let's just go.

[00:13:19]We are staying until these cupcakes are gone. I'm not leaving with no dignity and no money.

[00:13:24]Fine. I'll circulate a a more times.

[00:13:27]Wait a minute.

[00:13:28]They said they had to be gone, but they didn't say who had to make them gone.

[00:13:35]We eat them and go.

[00:13:37]You're doing it. I rescued you from the gutter.

[00:13:39]>> Uh Well, [laughter] that's not entirely accurate.

[00:13:45]>> [laughter] [laughter] >> The big deal is that Max thinks she needs these pills because I threw away her blanky.

[00:14:07]>> It was a pillow case and I needed to sleep.

[00:14:10]>> She has to rub it.

[00:14:11]>> In Portland, I had this little thing that I like to tickle before I went to sleep.

[00:14:18]But my aunt threw it away.

[00:14:20]>> What was it?

[00:14:22]>> My cousin Nora.

[00:14:29]>> [laughter] >> Alex.

[00:14:32]>> Caroline.

[00:14:34]>> What are you doing here?

[00:14:35]>> What are you doing here?

[00:14:37]>> I live here.

[00:14:38]And I'm just coming in from going to get coffee. It was delicious. I drank every bit of it. Outside. That's why I don't have a cup.

[00:14:46]>> [laughter] >> But you're wearing the same outfit from last night.

[00:14:49]>> You're wearing the same outfit from last night.

[00:14:52]>> And you have messed up sex hair.

[00:14:54]>> [laughter] >> You have messed up sex hair.

[00:14:57]>> Webmaster.

[00:14:59]>> Sophie.

[00:15:00]>> [laughter] >> She called me up and we made hand love.

[00:15:04]>> But I thought Sophie hated you.

[00:15:06]>> Well, she doesn't hate my hand.

[00:15:08][laughter] >> What do you think you're doing?

[00:15:10]>> Waiting on tables. LOOK INTO IT.

[00:15:13]>> [laughter] >> YORK, YORK, DON'T BE MAD. BYRON WAS STARVING and we're thirsty. Don't kick us out. We're too weak to go anywhere else.

[00:15:20]>> [laughter] >> The soup has garlic.

[00:15:22]>> Oh, then no, the salmon, please.

[00:15:24]>> Bring her the damn soup. She ain't kissing nobody tonight.

[00:15:28]And I'll have the free-range chicken that thought it had a chance.

[00:15:32]>> [laughter] >> For your health, Byron wants you to have it.

[00:15:35]>> Well, Byron is the only real old-fashioned thing in here. I hope you both survive the winter.

[00:15:41]>> All right, on the count of three, I'll push, you hoist yourself up, but really pull yourself up, you won't make it.

[00:15:46]>> It's hell. I'm looking into hell.

[00:15:49]>> One, TWO, THREE.

[00:15:59]>> I WANTED TO SCREAM, BUT IT WOULDN'T COME OUT.

[00:16:03]>> OKAY, WELL, GOOD LUCK. SEE YOU.

[00:16:05]>> MAX!

[00:16:05]>> I'M KIDDING. I'M COMING AROUND THE BACK.

[00:16:07]I found a place to get a leg up.

[00:16:09]>> Now? You just SAW THAT NOW?

[00:16:15]>> WHY DID YOU SCREAM? YOU KNEW IT WAS ME.

[00:16:18]>> That's the one I couldn't get up before.

[00:16:22]>> GOD, LOOK AT this mess. Like looking for a dirty needle in a haystack, which I've done.

[00:16:28]Okay, start poking around. Look for familiar garbage.

[00:16:32]>> Familiar garbage?

[00:16:34]I hate it in here. I want to die.

[00:16:37]>> It's not that bad. My mom and I once spent 5 hours in a dumpster looking for proof that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and all we found was a scratch-off worth a $1.50 and a beach towel. And then, we used that $1.50 to take the towel to the laundromat. 12 years later, you and I used that very towel to dry ourselves off after a shower.

[00:16:59]>> Well, I'm standing on a stranger's cold sesame noodles with eggshell stuck to my ankles. You win, Max.

[00:17:06]>> What does that have to do with me?

[00:17:08]>> It means I'm officially standing in your purse.

[00:17:13]>> How about more real garbage, less Caroline garbage.

[00:17:18]>> Caroline garbage? You've been dumping on me all day.

[00:17:21]>> Me? What have I done?

[00:17:23]>> Max, you didn't file.

[00:17:25]>> AVA!

[00:17:27]>> I DIDN'T SAY IT LIKE THAT. And you didn't file ever. Is that my fault?

[00:17:31]>> Yes! This is all your fault. Before I met you, I didn't think about a future.

[00:17:36]Now I have a future and I am standing IN A DUMPSTER.

[00:17:40]>> YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE STANDING IN A DUMPSTER. And get a new purse. If you had been able to find a stupid stamp in that horrid thing, I would have never even seen Earl's taxes and I wouldn't be standing in a dumpster.

[00:18:05]Max.

[00:18:05]>> No, no, NO. I WILL NEVER EVER RECOVER FROM THAT.

[00:18:09]NO, NO, NO.

[00:18:10]WE GOT THE BOOK BACK. GOODNESS, GOOD.

[00:18:11]DON'T LET GO.

[00:18:13]WHAT IF THE TRAIN STARTS TO LEAVE WITH MY ARM TO POP OFF? HOW WILL I GO TO PASTRY SCHOOL? I'll be one of those people decorating COOKIES WITH A BAG IN THEIR MOUTH. YOU ARE THE DEVIL. THE DEVIL. WE HAVE [laughter] NOTHING.

[00:18:25]PULL, MAX, PULL. PULL IT FROM THE DEVIL.

[00:18:27]>> [screaming] >> DON'T GO. DANGEROUS PEOPLE ARE after me.

[00:18:31]>> You know, in Poland, when the Cossacks came, we would boil water and then throw it in their faces and then make soup.

[00:18:39]Anyway, have a good one. Wait.

[00:18:44]Hello?

[00:18:45]Rula?

[00:18:46]Yes. No, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO TONIGHT.

[00:18:51]>> HUH, WHAT HAPPENED THERE, RIGHT?

[00:18:54]>> [laughter] >> FEELING BETTER?

[00:19:04]>> [laughter] >> MY GOD. HE JUST OPENED THE door with the strength OF HIS WHISKERS.

[00:19:12]>> [laughter] >> HE'S GONE. HE WENT INTO THE KITCHEN.

[00:19:17]What should we do? Should we call the cops?

[00:19:20]He doesn't have a gun.

[00:19:22]Let's just get out of here. We'll call an exterminator in the morning.

[00:19:27]WAIT, HE'S COMING BACK. HE'S CHARGING US.

[00:19:30]>> HE'S GOING TO BITE [screaming] ME.

[00:19:38]>> [laughter] >> YOU CAN STOP NOW.

[00:19:43]YOU PAINTED HIM TO DEATH.

[00:19:45]>> [laughter] >> I JUST GOT A GLIMPSE OF YOU AT A BARNEY'S sample sale.

[00:19:55]>> Wow, we are really up there. I've never been this high, and trust me, I have been high.

[00:20:01]>> Yeah, I hear that. No one like to get high more than me.

[00:20:05]I did everything. Pills, weed, coke.

[00:20:08]What's that called when you crumble the coke on your weed?

[00:20:11]>> [laughter] >> Anyway, I love to get high.

[00:20:15]But that's all way behind me now. I've been clean and sober ever since that Denzel flight movie came out.

[00:20:22]>> [laughter] >> It's still in the theaters.

[00:20:23]>> Yep, saw it last week.

[00:20:25]>> Oh, look at that. I just pulled down your browser history. Interesting list.

[00:20:29]Kitten plays a keyboard. Kitten sneezes and farts at the same time.

[00:20:34]>> that. That's private.

[00:20:35]>> Kitten folds a t-shirt. Oh, kitten rings a doorbell. I thought you said you weren't into pets.

[00:20:40]>> I meant not. It's a kitten ringing a doorbell.

[00:20:45]>> [laughter] >> He's trying to get in like people.

[00:20:51]>> [music]