【三日免費】 (07/20) Just Say No? 就說不？

[00:00:00]Advanced Studio Classroom is on the air.

[00:00:05]>> [music] [music] >> As parents, how do we help our teens make the best decisions? [music] Join us today as we discuss.

[00:00:22]>> [music] >> Hello friends, welcome to Advanced Studio Classroom. My name is Campbell.

[00:00:39]It is so great to have you with us. We have a very interesting parenting article to discuss with all of you today. And speaking of parenting, we have in the studio with us one of the only other parents on our Studio Classroom English teaching team. Hello Anne Marie, it's great to have you.

[00:00:57]>> Hi Campbell, I'm so glad that I can be on the program today. It has been a while since I've been on Advanced Radio.

[00:01:04]So it's great to come back for a parenting article.

[00:01:07]>> Mhm, and it's always great to have you.

[00:01:09]And according to the editors of the magazine, the reason that we're both assigned to this article is because we are parents.

[00:01:17]>> sense.

[00:01:17]>> Yes. Yeah, and and that is always an area where I connect with you most. You know, we commiserate often.

[00:01:23]>> We do. We both have three girls, so we have a lot in common there.

[00:01:26]>> Yes, and a lot of the emotions.

[00:01:29]>> Oh, so many emotions.

[00:01:30]>> [laughter] >> So many.

[00:01:32]>> So many emotions, yes. And we also have a lovely treat in the studio with us. We have one of our newest Studio Classroom teachers, Heather is here. Heather is a former adolescent.

[00:01:45]>> [laughter] >> Former child. Not quite a parent yet, but someday.

[00:01:50]>> Yeah, maybe someday. Hi everyone, my name is Heather and I'm happy to be with you guys today.

[00:01:54]>> Well, I'm glad you're here as well. All right, we have a lot to discuss today.

[00:02:00]Uh the title of our article is just say no. Just say no to what exactly, Amalie?

[00:02:07]>> Drugs. Say no to drugs.

[00:02:09]>> I don't know if you guys I'm a bit a little bit older than Heather, right? A few years older than you.

[00:02:14]>> Just a few.

[00:02:14]>> Just a few. Not not a lot. I'm not that old. I know. But I do remember, you know, growing up in elementary school and junior high and they had all these campaigns, right? Just say no to drugs.

[00:02:23]Just say no. Did you guys have that in school?

[00:02:25]>> Well, I was homeschooled as some of our listeners do know. So, I didn't go to those school assemblies or those kind of things. Um but of course anti-drug messaging, I think is a reality for any kid in the United States. So, I was definitely aware of it.

[00:02:42]>> Right. Right. What about you, Heather?

[00:02:44]>> Yeah, definitely in our school we had the DARE program and other things that told us not to participate in drug taking.

[00:02:51]>> Right. Yeah, for sure. I think it was definitely a big messaging that was given to students. I think even today, you know, I think drug use or alcohol use is is a big thing, you know, and and as much as possible, I think adults want to prevent people or young people from using the drugs. All right, but what is the best way to handle this subject if you are a parent of teenagers? Well, we have some advice from a pediatrician today and yeah, without further ado, let's go into our article and learn more about this.

[00:03:40]>> [music] >> Just say no.

[00:03:42]A pediatrician's advice on talking to your teen about drugs and alcohol.

[00:03:48]After years of talking with teens and their parents about substance use, Here's the single most important thing I've learned. Connection matters more than control. I hear it from parents all the time. I'm scared my teen might be using drugs, but I don't know how to bring it up.

[00:04:05]These fears are valid.

[00:04:08]Although most teens don't use drugs or alcohol, some do. Adolescence is a time of exploration and risk-taking. And today's substances, from high-potency cannabis to counterfeit pills laced with fentanyl, are far more dangerous than in previous decades. And here's the good news. You have more influence than you think. Here, I'll share what I often tell parents in my clinic. This is practical advice drawn from research and my experience having real-life conversations to help you keep your teen safe, supported, and informed.

[00:04:51]>> All right. So, we have practical advice from this pediatrician. All right, first, let's talk about this title, right? It says, "Just Say No" with a question mark. Why do you think they titled this article in this way with that question mark?

[00:05:08]>> Well, "Just Say No" is a very common motto that we heard in school or when we were growing up when people were telling us to not do drugs. They would say, "When someone offers you drugs, all you have to do is just say no."

[00:05:24]>> Mhm. Yeah, but they have the question mark there. And I think the question mark is like I think it's just saying, "Is that enough?" Is it enough just to tell your kids just say no, right?

[00:05:34]Because the thing is, and we've all been there. We were were you know, we're of age. We've been through the adolescent period where there's the peer pressure.

[00:05:41]And you know, you want to fit in. You want to you don't want to be the awkward one.

[00:05:46]>> like >> else.

[00:05:47]>> Yeah, and you know, when you're offered something, you know in your head you should say no, but you also don't want to be the one that everybody's like, "Oh, you're such a loser. You're such a you know, you're no fun." Right? So, sometimes maybe it's not enough just to tell our kids to just say no.

[00:06:02]>> There is more to it than that.

[00:06:03]>> Right. So, this article is from a pediatrician. Now, Heather, what is a pediatrician exactly?

[00:06:09]>> A pediatrician is a doctor who primarily deals with children and their illnesses.

[00:06:15]>> Yeah, so you know, anywhere from infants to you know, 12-year-olds, right? So, preteens, adolescent. A pediatrician is a doctor who focuses on children's health, basically. And this pediatrician is giving us advice on talking to our teens about drugs and alcohol, which seems pretty straightforward, but it seems like a lot of parents have struggles with this, right? So, it starts off saying, "After years of talking with teens and their parents about substance use." What are we referring to when we talk about substance use here, Heather?

[00:06:51]>> So, substance use is when you intake something. So, it could be a substance is really could be anything. It could be food, it could be drinks, but in this context, it's more about illegal substances.

[00:07:03]>> Right. Yeah. Or, you know, illicit substances, right? Substances that can you know, we're talking about alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, things like that, right? And there's an interesting sentence here. It says, "Here's the single most important thing I've learned. Connection matters more than control." What is he referring to here? Why is he saying connection matters more than control?

[00:07:28]>> Well, I think I think to understand this sentence, we need to look at what these two things mean first. When we're talking about control, we're often talking about putting more limits or rules on something, especially when it comes to kids.

[00:07:42]And connection is more referring to the relationship that you have with your children.

[00:07:46]>> Sure. Yeah. And why do you think connection matters more than control exactly?

[00:07:51]>> Well, as a parent myself, I have noticed that when my relationship with my kids is good and it's healthy, it is easier for me to get them to do what I want.

[00:08:01]Sure. But if you go at your relationship with your child from a viewpoint of I need to control them and then after they do what I say, then our relationship will be good. You have totally different results.

[00:08:13]>> Yes. Yes, I completely agree. And the other thing is we are talking about adolescents here, right? Adolescents are people between the ages of 12 and 18 and this is where, you know, they start shifting from where parents are the main voice in their ear to now being more their friends and their peers. Right?

[00:08:33]And the thing is with control, they might obey you and they might do what you say when they're in your presence.

[00:08:40]But at this age, they're going to spend a lot of time outside your presence.

[00:08:46]And so if you're not around and you're just trying to control them, you know, they they might be good and they might obey you while you're around, but then when you're not around, they're not going to necessarily do what you say.

[00:08:56]>> This is something I've thought about so much as a parent because a lot of times when we like take our kids out, we want them to behave. We want them to do the right things. We want them from the outside looking in, you want people to think, "Wow, those are some really well-behaved kids." And you can do that as a parent. You can get your kids to behave and do the right things, but that's totally different than teaching them the right way and getting their hearts to change.

[00:09:21]>> Yes. Yes, exactly. And the only way to get their hearts to change is through that connection, right? Where it's that relationship like you said, where it's about I don't want to, you know, even though my parents are around, I love them, you know, and I want to honor them and I trust my parents and I trust what they've taught me. So, I'm not going to do this thing that my parents told me might harm me.

[00:09:48]>> Yeah, and it's the idea that they know the right thing to do now.

[00:09:52]>> Right. Yeah. Okay, so the pediatrician continues and he says, "I hear it from parents all the time. I'm scared my teen might be using drugs, but I don't know how to bring it up. These fears are valid." So, why do you think parents have a difficult time bringing this topic up?

[00:10:13]>> Well, this might be a little controversial, but I think if you have a bad relationship with your kid, bringing up serious things is going to be difficult. So, if you aren't building that relationship, then you would feel awkward asking your kids these kind of things.

[00:10:28]>> Yeah, cuz I think if you don't have the relationship, you're afraid of their reaction, right? You might you're afraid that if you bring this up, it's going to push them further away, you know? And the thing is it's not to condemn any parents because, you know, my kids are entering into this phase, you know, my oldest is is 14, my second is 11, so she's right on the cusp, even though many times I feel like she's already like a full-blown teenager with all the hormones and the attitude and the emotions. You know, and as hard as I try to be a good father and understanding father, a loving father with building, it's just it's hard sometimes. I'll be honest, it's hard sometimes.

[00:11:09]>> Parenting is work. It's difficult.

[00:11:12]>> You know, as as much as I want to have that connection, sometimes like I'm not even trying to make her mad and she just blows up, right?

[00:11:21]>> [laughter] >> And I'm just like, "Whoa, okay." So, you know, it can be hard, especially in this it's this phase where hormones are raging, there's you You they're figuring themselves out. Like I can understand why it might be scary for parents to bring it up because you don't want to make these kids mad, right? So, how do we bring up such a difficult topic?

[00:11:41]Okay? The pediatrician here, he says the fears are valid, right? Now, good thing is most teens don't use drugs or alcohol. Would you agree with that, Heather?

[00:11:51]>> I mean, I think generally that that is the case. I think kids are often faced with circumstances where they're offered these things, but yeah, I'm sure a significant portion don't necessarily partake.

[00:12:02]>> Right. Yeah, I think most teens don't, but some do. All right. I want to take a quick pause here, right? We see the word u s e, and we used that word earlier, u s e, but it was a little bit different, right? In [snorts] the beginning, the first sentence we said substance use.

[00:12:17]Here it says, "Don't use drugs or alcohol." So, it's the same spelling, but you notice there's a little bit of a different pronunciation, right? Use here is the noun, right? Where where it's uh you know, the things that they they use is you know, we we use. It's the use of it, okay? Uh but here we're using it as a verb, use drugs or alcohol, but some do, okay? Now, the [snorts] next sentence is interesting. It says, "Adolescence is a time of exploration and risk taking." Do you feel like you agree with that?

[00:12:48]>> I do. I have heard many people say, and I would agree with this, that your job as a parent is to continually move your child towards independence.

[00:12:59]>> Yes.

[00:13:00]>> No matter what that means, like, independence in all different areas.

[00:13:03]>> Right.

[00:13:04]>> So, logically speaking, if you're moving your child toward independence over a period of time, and they've reached adolescence, >> Mhm.

[00:13:11]>> they are almost to the point where they need to be independent.

[00:13:15]>> Mhm.

[00:13:15]>> So, of course they're going to be exploring and taking risks because they have almost 100% coming to their own person at this point.

[00:13:23]>> and I feel like chemically and hormonally, we are awarded cuz our bodies are maturing >> and we're learning to become adults. So, our bodies almost kind of reward us for taking risks and and we kind of feel a a rush when we take those risks as we're growing. But, the problem is today's substances are far more dangerous than in previous decades, right? And I think that the the things that are available nowadays are a lot more dangerous and a lot more potent than in the past, right? What are some of the examples that are listed here, Heather?

[00:14:01]>> Uh some of the examples listed are high-potency cannabis and counterfeit pills that are laced with fentanyl.

[00:14:08]>> Mhm. So, these are kind of big products that are out there that didn't exist really when we were younger, right? So, cannabis, I think a lot of people are familiar with. What is cannabis exactly?

[00:14:19]>> Well, cannabis is a drug that is made from the dried leaves and flowers of the hemp plant. So, when you smoke cannabis, usually you feel very relaxed. Um so, this is one reason that people are attracted to this drug.

[00:14:32]>> Yeah. And it's become legal actually in the US and in a lot of places. Yeah. So, cannabis, but we're not we're we're specifically referring to high-potency cannabis, meaning that is even more powerful.

[00:14:48]Uh the strength of it is is higher than it used to be. And then, counterfeit.

[00:14:53]What are we referring to when we talk about counterfeit, Heather?

[00:14:56]>> Um when we think of something that's counterfeit, it's something that is made to look exactly like something else um in order to deceive people. And that could be anything. That can be like counterfeit shoes that you can get at the night market. Counterfeit money.

[00:15:09]Counterfeit money. But, obviously in this context, we're talking about counterfeit drugs.

[00:15:14]>> Yeah, counterfeit pills laced with fentanyl. So, laced meaning that it has fentanyl inside of it, right? And fentanyl is a very, very powerful, potent synthetic narcotic drug used for severe pain as a general anesthetic, but people have been taking it for more, you know, just entertainment purposes, you know, and it's very easy to overdose and there's been a high rate of death associated with these fentanyl laced pills, right? And they are far more dangerous in previous decades, right? And the reason it's so dangerous for adolescents is because sometimes they don't really know what they're doing and it's just out of curiosity or someone offers it to them and then they accidentally overdose and you know, [snorts] and and a life is cut short and it's pretty sad, okay? But there's good news. What is the good news, Heather?

[00:16:10]>> The good news is you have more influence than you think.

[00:16:13]>> Mhm. So, we as parents have more influence than we think. Do you agree with that?

[00:16:19]>> I think that as I have grown older and I am now an adult, a lot of times the voice in my head is my parents' voice.

[00:16:29]Like when I want whether it's good or bad, right? Like sometimes it's a good voice, sometimes it's a bad voice.

[00:16:34]Um but when I'm about to do something or make a choice or I feel emotional about something, often times that voice in my head is a voice of my parent. So, I think I agree with this that influence isn't just while you're growing up and teaching you right from wrong. Um it's also how you see yourself and how you interact with the world.

[00:16:55]>> Right. So, that's good news. We have more influence, but how do we actually wield this influence in an effective way? Well, let's finish up the rest of the article for today and then we will discuss more.

[00:17:08]>> [music] [music] >> Before discipline.

[00:17:18]When parents worry about substance abuse, the first instinct is often to tighten the reins, take away a teen's phone, search their room, and threaten punishment. But research and experience show that what teens need most is connection, not control. Instead of jumping right to discipline, start a conversation. It's best to have these talks early and often, long before you're worried that your teen has come home after using drugs or alcohol.

[00:17:48]Conversations are more productive when they happen outside the heat of the moment, when everyone is calm and open.

[00:17:55]Ask open-ended questions like, "What have you heard about vaping at school?"

[00:18:00]Or, "How do your friends feel about drinking?" When teens feel judged, they shut down. But when they feel heard, they often open up. Trust is protective.

[00:18:11]Scare tactics, on the other hand, can backfire. [music] They can damage communication and make teens less likely to come to you when they're in trouble. Research shows that when teens feel mistrusted or shamed, they're more likely to hide their behavior rather than change it. Building a foundation of openness and honesty gives you more influence in the long run.

[00:18:36]>> [music] >> All right, so we're talking about disciplining [music] here, and the title of the section is before discipline. Now, what are we referring to when we're talking about discipline, Heather?

[00:18:52]>> So, when we think of discipline in this definition, we think about the consequences that parents may give their children when they do something wrong.

[00:19:02]>> Right. Yeah, so like training your children or punishing them in certain ways. How do you discipline your girls?

[00:19:08]>> Oh, I struggle with this all the time, Campbell, because sometimes we want to be really harsh and then sometimes you want to be very gracious and it's hard to find a good middle ground. A lot of times we try to get them to calm down first and go sit in their rooms and then there's usually consequences like losing video games or not being able to do an activity or something like that.

[00:19:32]>> It's hard cuz it's like I don't want to spoil my kids and you know, and there's this whole trend of gentle parenting for a while where it's just like you don't yell at them.

[00:19:42]You don't and I'm just like that's why you raised a whole generation of just kids who don't, you know, can't handle any stress, you know, and so I kind of went the other way, but then I know then I'm like am I going to have to pay for therapy later on for the trauma that I'm causing my kids.

[00:19:56]>> It's such a balance.

[00:19:57]>> It's It's not easy, right? So, what should we do before discipline? Well, it says here when parents worry about substance use, again, you know, we're concerned that the kids might be using drugs or they've been introduced to alcohol, things like that. The first instinct is often to tighten the reins.

[00:20:15]What are we referring to when we say we tighten the reins on something?

[00:20:20]>> So, to tighten the reins is an idiom. It means to increase control over someone or something. So, in this context it's like they say to take away the teen's phone or to search the room for more stuff and to threaten punishment.

[00:20:34]>> Right. Right. Like just grounding them.

[00:20:35]You're not allowed to go out anymore, you know, you come home straight from school. You're not allowed to leave your room. Just tighten the reins, right? Try to control like we talked about earlier, controlling them even more. But is that the best way?

[00:20:48]>> Well, our article already told us that connection matters more than control.

[00:20:51]So, it sounds like no, this is not the best way.

[00:20:54]>> Right. So, research and experience show that what teens need most is connection, not control. So, instead of jumping right to discipline, what advice does the doctor give us here?

[00:21:06]>> The doctor says to start a conversation.

[00:21:09]So, talk with your kids.

[00:21:11]>> Mhm. And that can be hard cuz then when you're in the middle of like your emotions are heightened, you're afraid, you're probably upset and angry. Like, how could you be so stupid to try something like this even though I've told you 100 times not to do it. So, you have to rein in your emotions as well, right? So, you have to start a conversation. But, the thing is it's best to have these talks early and often and long before you're worried that your teen has come home after using drugs or alcohol. So, even before there's the potential of them using the drugs or alcohol, we need to start having conversations, right?

[00:21:48]>> It seems like if you have a habit of talking with your kids about everything in general, >> Mhm.

[00:21:53]>> if they're used to you asking the hard questions, then when you get to this point of their life, it will seem natural to them. It's not like you haven't talked to them about anything ever.

[00:22:02]>> Yeah.

[00:22:02]>> And then all of a sudden, it's time for a drug talk.

[00:22:05]>> Right, yeah. And I think that's the main thing is what we're talking about is the connection. If you haven't built up the relationship and the connection before, it can be hard, right? But, it's never too late. And the thing is, you know, one advice I got a long time ago with parenting is the rule of first mention.

[00:22:21]Basically, the the person who first mentions a topic, they kind of set the the the standard for what that topic is on, right? So, whether it's sex, whether it's drugs, whether it's alcohol, or whatever it is, the first person to talk about it, you kind of set the the the the mindset around that topic.

[00:22:45]>> agree with this, and I think that this has a lot to do with even other topics as well, like religion, self-image, all kinds of things. Because you do have so much influence in your child's life, and it can be good influence, and it could be a bad influence.

[00:23:00]>> Yeah, I agree. And it says here, "Conversations are more productive when they happen outside the heat of the moment." And that is so so true, you know? I think when things happen, when they hit their sibling, when they do this or that, it can be easy to just kind of get riled up and try to teach them in the moment, but I feel like my experience is that's never that productive. I don't know about you.

[00:23:24]>> That's been mine as well, and this is something cuz my kids are little, right?

[00:23:27]My kids are all under the age of seven, so it's something that I constantly have to remind myself of.

[00:23:33]>> Yeah.

[00:23:33]>> I have to say in my mind, "This is not a teaching moment."

[00:23:37]>> Right.

[00:23:37]>> Just deal with the crisis and teach them later.

[00:23:39]>> Yeah. And the thing is like for the way my brain works, I feel like I always forget, you know? [laughter] And so I'm like, "No, I have to teach it now cuz I'm going to forget later on."

[00:23:47]But I think the idea here is to be proactive, right? Preemptive rather than reactive, meaning like later on after the after the, you know, after everything's happened, then you want to come and deal with it. Like you want to talk about it ahead of time, when everyone is calm and open, right? Now, the doctor here gives us some uh suggestions on some open-ended questions. What are some of those questions here?

[00:24:12]>> Some of the open-ended questions are, "Have you heard about vaping at school?"

[00:24:16]Or, "How do your friends feel about drinking?"

[00:24:18]>> Right. And I think this is good. Like it's not about you, right? "Are you vaping? Are you drinking?" Right? It's more general. It's about other people or or just a general topic. "What have you heard about vaping at school?" Or, "Has your school talked to you about drug use?" Right? "How do your friends feel about drinking?" So it's about the friends, not necessarily about the teen themselves, right? And here he says, "When teens feel judged, they shut down." And I think it's not just teens.

[00:24:45]I think any one of us, when we feel judged, our natural instinct is to defend.

[00:24:51]>> 100%.

[00:24:52]>> Yeah.

[00:24:52]>> For sure.

[00:24:52]>> Right? No no nobody likes to feel wrong, right? So we just want to defend, and when we're defensive, we're not listening, right? Uh But, when they feel heard, they often open up, right? I think this is something I talked to my girls about all the time. I say, "You know what? Like, Mom and Dad are here.

[00:25:09]Don't ever feel that you are a Like, that you can't talk to us, right? No matter what it is, even if you like you feel like you're in trouble, you're always open We're always open to talk, you know?

[00:25:21]Okay. Trust is protective. Scare tactics, on the other hand, can backfire, right? So, what are scare tactics, actually?

[00:25:29]>> Well, scare tactics are methods of persuading people to do something, but this method is usually by frightening them. So, you're trying to scare them into doing the right thing.

[00:25:39]>> Right. Yeah. And but, that can backfire, right? And it can damage communication and make teens less likely to come to you when they're in trouble, because they're afraid that they're going to get yelled at, or they're going to get disciplined. And so, they're more likely to hide what they're doing, rather than come to you for help, okay? And research shows that when teens feel mistrusted or shamed, they're more likely to hide their behavior, rather than change it.

[00:26:06]Building a foundation of openness and honesty gives you more influence in the long run, right? And I think openness and honesty also is about you confessing your own mistakes, right? And being able to be transparent about that. And I think that allows your children to also feel like, "Okay, you know, well, Mom and Dad shared that with me.

[00:26:28]I can also share with them." Right?

[00:26:31]Okay. We have a lot more to discuss in this article, and a lot more to learn.

[00:26:35]So, make sure you join us again for day two of this article. Until then, this is Campbell.

[00:26:41]>> This is Anne-Marie.

[00:26:42]>> And this is Heather.

[00:26:43]>> And we'll see you tomorrow. Take care.

[00:26:45]Bye-bye.

[00:26:45]>> Bye.

[00:26:46]>> Bye.