a thousand dreams within me softly burn

[00:00:01][music] [music] >> Then he came by on the way.

[00:00:15]>> [music] >> Said she had no time.

[00:00:21]About things today.

[00:00:24]>> [music] >> And calling me.

[00:00:32]Said she had no time.

[00:00:37]Had no time to change.

[00:00:42]The way [music] to live.

[00:00:45]But she believed.

[00:00:51]Going to see the river man.

[00:00:55]>> [music] >> Going to tell him all I can.

[00:01:01]About [music] the plan.

[00:01:05]All night shows.

[00:01:06]>> [music] >> If he tells me all [music] he knows.

[00:01:16]About the way his river flows. [music] And all >> [singing] >> night shows.

[00:01:26]In summer time.

[00:01:29]>> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Control is a nice thing to make yourself believe in.

[00:02:17]Trusting that as long as I keep the temperature nice and low, my particles will collide on the dotted line.

[00:02:23]Slowly tear off bits of perpendicular life as I mature.

[00:02:28]Welcome wrinkles at age 45. Teach a small hand that also this shall pass.

[00:02:34]I'll periodically look at the stack of shredded successes that have marked my days and be astonished to see that life always seems to find a way.

[00:02:42]That is as long as I don't boil over.

[00:02:53]But recently, I've had to dab away pearls of sweat as I witness the timer start shoot up to temperatures only desperation for excitement can produce.

[00:03:03]To see all, experience all, [music] feel all.

[00:03:06]So I run through my days.

[00:03:08]My legs chop up [music] pieces into a storyline already overgrown and recklessly sprinkle seeds of possibility.

[00:03:15]I can only watch and pray what sprouts at the same time.

[00:03:19]Because by wanting to be you, I become nothing at all.

[00:03:25]>> [music] [music] [music] [music] >> But in reality, I exert control out of fear.

[00:04:07]Fear for the mundane. The fear that all will pass me by and bury me along with potential and a glass that's glued shut with the irony of >> [music] >> if only >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> It's a fear disguised as free will that sets ablaze my sense of responsibility.

[00:05:20]>> [music] >> Slips and slides around in a bar stool much too small, and marks to remove my glass with red gloss.

[00:05:26]As I conclude too soon that [music] it's all downhill >> [music] [music] [music] >> moment not quite so >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> I have a few things in life that I find extremely fascinating. Skyscrapers, like tall buildings like this, and also thunderstorms and like heavy rainfall, you know? I think there's something crazy about it. I always was like, why do I like it so much? Why do I find it like so interesting? But I really think it's because it makes you as a person feel so minuscule, but in a really, really nice way. Because I have this thing that if I can't sleep and I get super overwhelmed by everything that I have to do and everything that I haven't done and everything that I will probably never >> [music] >> be able to do, then I always think of the floating rock thing, which is kind of stupid. But like the daytime equivalent of the floating rock is probably watching this. Because like it makes you feel minuscule. It makes everything feel so irrelevant in the grand scheme of these huge buildings [music] that all of these people are just like worrying and and like going about their business. But yeah, I've been feeling I've been feeling a little bit freaked out, stressed out. I don't know. Just unstable tables, you know?

[00:07:29]I think it's just because I've got so much that I want to do and so many ideas [music] and and everything.

[00:07:40]>> [music] >> Theoretically, understanding all of the laws that govern a system should mean that we may be able to predict every aspect of its future. He would be governed with that the system he was studying was extremely sensitive around the errors. Small as one part in a million could change the result.

[00:08:14]He later described his discovery as the butterfly effect.

[00:08:34]>> I pretend it doesn't affect me, >> [music] >> my tendency to repeatedly make the same mistakes, but the valves of my story melt in vain and shrug my shoulders as more parts of myself evaporate in a reckless escape.

[00:08:49]I seem to have found solitude in letting my imagination grow, a house of >> [music] >> harmless weeds that you can't see and I can't explain.

[00:09:01]>> [music] [music] [music] >> I just have such a big >> [music] >> dreams and so many things that I want to make.

[00:09:49]>> [gasps] >> I'm just scared and so I'm going to work out or that I'm just failing at it, you know?

[00:09:54]Or that I just won't be able to do it.

[00:10:03]Like what the [ __ ] am I actually doing?

[00:10:05]You know what I mean? It's so tricky to find the right way to do something, but also >> [snorts] >> do it differently because otherwise it's already done and then what are you really doing, you know? I have such a strong desire to make something of myself, to be proud of myself for everything that I've made. It's because I'm looking for something larger than life.

[00:10:29]Keep giving up reality for love that doesn't exist. Inflate my dreams so you don't notice I'm scared to just live.

[00:10:37]But I've scorched the end of my nerves by forcing them to feel and cry mutely at the numbness of my embrace.

[00:10:43]I dramatize my life [music] to a pointless degree.

[00:10:46]Yearn for science fiction catastrophe.

[00:11:07]There's no need to understand it all, I try to explain to myself. I feel the tips of my fingers fumble to shape a reality that lets me just exist.

[00:11:17]We seem to collide out of pure chance.

[00:11:19]Look for love, but find their own shortcomings instead.

[00:11:23]>> [music] >> Search for acceptance, but stumble upon all the more reasons to change.

[00:11:28]Life is a [ __ ] of repeated mistakes.

[00:11:32]Strong along a sentence that we [music] then call faith.

[00:11:36]You just need to let time give meaning to the [music] page you once desperately tried to erase.

[00:11:48]>> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Someone just think like you know, you just have to do these random [ __ ] sometimes like >> How good >> Like [ __ ] you know like I'm 23.

[00:13:09]>> Maybe I should just do it.

[00:13:11]>> [music] >> I should just do it. [ __ ] it.

[00:13:19]It also could be like super [ __ ] loud.

[00:13:23]And I also like don't want to like go to the beach.

[00:13:26]>> [music] >> Here goes nothing, I guess.

[00:13:35]>> [music] [music] [music]