Ranking Every Houston Texans Diss From NFL Schedule Release Videos

Hinzugefügt: 2026-06-02

[00:00:00]Look, I know we're a week past the schedule release videos, but people have requested that I do what I did last year, which is react to two each reference to the Texans from their opponents in their schedule release video. And the the insults this year were not nearly as clever or as vicious except in a couple key instances. We'll get to you, Dallas.

[00:00:21]But the Athletic did a ranking and most of the Texans opponents were in the bottom half. And I can't look, I've got no room to complain. The Texans weren't all that vicious, either. The Brian Cushing was vicious to himself. But let's just start off with week one. So, the premise of this was the Bills creative staff was sitting around coming up with ideas and Josh Allen was sitting in the corner and he he kept suggesting there needs to be a giant chrysalis. And and eventually they capitulated. So, that that kind of explains what you're about to see. Here's the Texans when mentioned by the Bills in their schedule release video.

[00:00:56]>> [music] >> First we play [singing] the Texans, then Detroit at home.

[00:01:06]Chargers pass [singing] and LA Rams.

[00:01:08][music] Yeah, that's it.

[00:01:11]I kind of I did enjoy the tune and it passed the copyright test. But Josh Allen, I will say Josh Allen really good actor. He's one of our finest actors amongst athletes right now, which I'm guessing he's getting some tutelage from his girlfriend there. I'm not going to try to remember her name. Next week, week two, versus the Bengals. Oh, so for the Bills, I'll give them like one one on a scale of one to 10 in terms of disrespect. The Bengals, you're going to think about this for for just a bit.

[00:01:40]Then having a rodeo in Houston.

[00:01:44]>> Breaking you. All right. Okay, rodeo just naturally you're going to hear rodeo, you're going to see stuff about cows, and you're going to see stuff about oil. That's that's what people go to. I'm almost insulted by the lack of a creative insult except that was Samaje Perine who was celebrating there. So, I feel like that's some subtle shade at the fact that Joe Mixon hasn't quite worked out for us. Nobody's even exactly sure where he is in the world right now. So, I'm hmm. A boy, and it's it's shade, and it's also kind of cold for a guy that was with your team for a long time. Cold-blooded. So, I'll give that I'll give it a four in terms of disrespect level. Next week, week three versus the Colts who did everything Simpsons-themed.

[00:02:29]I'm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked them good.

[00:02:44]>> [screaming] >> Okay, what did I give the What did I give the Bengals? A four? So, the Colts just by, you know, they made a reference to cows, which I'm guessing just a Texas thing, unless I missed some little Easter egg in there. They just used a bunch of clips from old Simpsons episodes for all of them. I'll do I'll do a standard three if you just make a tired reference to something that really does not apply to the greater Houston area anymore. I'm kind of offended on behalf of people who have definitely been to Houston a bunch to play the Texans and so forth that don't understand, but cow town, etc., etc. But, cool, cool, cool.

[00:03:20]Week four, the Cowboys. This was four of the Tylers on the team. It was a Tyler Intelligence Agency made up of Tyler Brooker, Tyler Geiten, and Tyler Smith.

[00:03:31]So, that's that's the whole concept here, and they're kind of they're sitting around doing intel on each of their upcoming opponents.

[00:03:41]Tyler. Tyler. [music] Tyler. Tyler.

[00:03:43]Tyler. Tyler. Gentlemen.

[00:03:47]Location, Houston. Ghetto, Dallas.

[00:03:49]>> Mission, re-relocate Houston's team to a more fitting city. QB could use a fresh start. Suggested cities Yeah, let's just send them wherever. Honestly, it doesn't matter.

[00:03:58]Okay. All right. So, here's the thing.

[00:04:00]If we go back and just look real quickly at a couple of the little little Okay, QB could use a fresh start. Suggested cities, all these horrible sounding places.

[00:04:09]Um the secret agent Earl, the Tyler Rose Campbell. All right, I can appreciate that. That's a good That's a good reference. That's a good reference.

[00:04:19]Mission, relocate Houston's team to a more fitting city. And one of the Tylers called it ghetto Dallas, which in fairness to that Tyler, whichever Tyler it was, when Jerry Jones wants you to say something that his son Stephen has told him that Jerry can't say, then you do what the owner says. He thinks that's a clever little jab, you know? Uh you can envision him at the country club doing it. There's no I look, I got here in 2002 and I was struck immediately by this weird obsession that Dallas has with thinking that Houston is obsessed with Dallas. If they are the most LinkedIn friend you have, like they are they call their car their Beamer, like they do all of these things cuz they're so hyper obsessed with image and I think it has a little to do with the insecurity about not having done anything since the '90s.

[00:05:12]Like they're they're America's team the way Blockbuster is America's streaming service. Like I would gladly I would gladly when you bring up all the Super Bowls you've won, I would gladly go and watch the highlights from them, but I don't own a VHS machine anymore, okay?

[00:05:30]That's just It is what it is. I guess disrespect level, call us ghetto Dallas.

[00:05:35]Look, I'll I'll embrace that, I suppose.

[00:05:39]I feel like we we haven't skirted as many tax laws as you perhaps. And as you are bound to, I think on average it's like 1.3 members of a Dallas household end up in jail for embezzlement or something over time. I don't you can fact-check me on that. Week 5 versus the Titans. Titans did a thing where they had a guy with a a phone or camera walk around and basically misidentified people. Like pretend like, "Oh, are you are you C.J. Stroud?" And so this is what it was. It was actually It's actually pretty creative.

[00:06:11]C.J. Stroud? C.J. Stroud? Sounds mad familiar.

[00:06:14]>> You play quarterback for the Texans?

[00:06:15]Nah, not sir. Not me.

[00:06:17]>> Bro, you look just like him.

[00:06:21]>> Uh sounds mad familiar. He doesn't look nearly as much like C.J. Stroud as some of the Takoyas that they had in here. Um but is it Wait, is Takoya if you look alike or if if you have the same name?

[00:06:34]Whatever it might be.

[00:06:35]Um the I don't like that picture of C.J.

[00:06:38]Stroud. I'm going to give it a six. I'll give it a six just because they chose that specific picture of C.J. Stroud, which is now a dated picture, as we know.

[00:06:49]Coming up next, week six versus the Jaguars. Oh.

[00:06:53]As they try to reinvent and redefine what it means to be a football player, they totally just missed the entire point of the schedule release and they just had they they had Trevor Lawrence supposedly getting a haircut, which he does spoiler alert he didn't actually get.

[00:07:15]Yeah, that was it. Uh so he's trying to de-Chloe Sevigny himself and or at least supposedly. And it was just a little they rolled through everybody while we had some nice classical music playing in the background cuz James Gladstone is a he's a refined individual. One.

[00:07:32]Giants, week seven. All right, this was this was good. This is Jameis Winston pretending [snorts] No, actually playing Pictionary while he was dressed up like a French artist.

[00:07:43]THE CHANCE! GIVE IT UP FOR THE FAMOUS TWINS.

[00:07:48]Thank you, Joe. I don't know who the Skarlatta twins are.

[00:07:51]You guys can explain it to me in the comments. I don't know. Merry Christmas.

[00:07:55]I'm just blowing my phone.

[00:07:56]Oh, we got to go. WE GOT TO GO. WE GOT TO GO.

[00:07:59]THE HELL IS THAT? THE TEXANS?

[00:08:01]OH, HE GOT IT. HOUSTON TEXANS.

[00:08:05]OKAY. UM I GIVE THEM a good grades for creativity, but that's not what we're doing here. Ver- zero disrespect there.

[00:08:11]They're at a one. We've already racked up a few ones here, but James was really good in that video. That's one that I recommend going and watching. The Some of these like the Cowboys one was 8 minutes long. Again, just what are you trying to compensate for? Hm? Chargers week nine notoriously notoriously snarky. They did uh a Halo.

[00:08:33]Uh basically all the schedule release was like the video game Halo.

[00:08:38]Week nine versus the Texans.

[00:08:42]Houston 19, Chicago 13. Hey, hey. Good job out there, bro. Yeah. Hey, stop taking those hits. Yeah, I know. You know what I mean? Hey.

[00:08:49]Learn from Learn Look, come here. Learn from those mistakes and everything that you got, bro, is in you already, bro.

[00:08:54]You're going to be a hell of a player in this league. All right, boy. What's up?

[00:08:58]Uh >> [laughter] >> All right, that's That's That's painful and it I mean it they it could have been funnier, I guess. They had a couple little Easter eggs in there. Get higher 77 entered the chat at one point. That's Kevin Durant's alleged burner account. Exciting whites entered the the scene at one point. That's the podcast for Reed Blankenship. So, the Reed Blankenship reference, I don't see where there to be any shade there. Good little jab at Kevin Durant. Much more clever and well done than the Cowboys video, but not quite as disrespectful.

[00:09:34]Look, CJ gave that pep talk to Caleb Williams while he was mic'd up and we have to own that and CJ I think is a different guy now than he was 18 months ago or so. So I'll give them a I'll give them a nine on the disrespect meter though. That's that's taking a shot right at our quarterback, damn it. Good for you. Week 10 versus the Browns, do they have the nerve to throw shade at anybody or at least throw shade at the team that dumped Deshaun Watson off on them and has become just an absolute albatross on the roster there. And till we'll see. We'll see this year. Might start week one and we'll see if he's still healthy in week 10. Here's the Browns doing a Street Fighter. They did it like it was um Uh no, they did it like it was Yeah, it was like a video game a video arcade commercial from the '80s.

[00:10:22]This is Street Fighter CLE. Check this out. The stage selection is so realistic.

[00:10:32]Maybe too realistic. If that's even possible, which it's not.

[00:10:38]Yeah, I didn't catch any You guys can tell me if I missed one of the references in there or anything. I detected zero shade. I liked the retro '80s video arcade commercial kids.

[00:10:49]Uh there was a time when there might have only be one kid in your neighborhood that day had an Atari, okay? And you had to So unless you were good friends with that kid or just, you know, maybe maybe they weren't home or something, you would go to the shopping mall like an an enclosed interior shopping mall and you would It wasn't all just kiosks back then. Very few kiosks, lots of Orange Julius's and you could go to a video arcade and spend all of your lawn mowing money there.

[00:11:16]Week 11 versus the Colts. What did the Colts do? Oh, the Colts. They did the Simpsons. I just told you that like 5 minutes ago.

[00:11:26]Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases.

[00:11:32]Okay, uh I like that. I look, they're just finding any kind of reference to uh somebody from Texas. The foolish purchase part, that's that's a good little jab, I suppose. I like without any specificity to it, but I am going to accuse them of um uh some some kind of anti uh South Asian sentiment by having Apu in the scene, okay? That's what I'll do. Shame on you.

[00:11:53]Shame on you, Colts, you racist SOBs, but I'll give them a They weren't as vicious It wasn't as vicious as the Chargers or the Cowboys.

[00:12:03]Um not really vicious at all, but creative. And I got a And they look, they had to pay some fees to use the Simpson stuff, I'm sure. I'll give them a six. Good job, Colts. You'll do something this year. If if if if only the schedule release. All right, week 12, the Ravens.

[00:12:18]I A few of these teams just completely went outside the box. The Ravens had a player crashing a wedding of a couple of die-hard Ravens fans. And then at the very end, you got this.

[00:12:31]That's it. It was a the like there Oh, there's the Texans right there. There was some music playing, but I think it was a it was a hit song or something.

[00:12:38]So, there you go, you missed it. Uh one, right? They're they're at a one on the disrespect. Way too many ones.

[00:12:45]Steelers.

[00:12:47]Like we're close. This is a big part of the season. You got the Ravens, then you got the Steelers. Could you give us a chip on our shoulder, please? But no, the Steelers had a security guard who was basically doing his orientation first day uh on the job at the Steelers stadium, whichever life insurance or hot dog company it's called now. And uh and the at the very end, they gave you the schedule reveal.

[00:13:14]I know.

[00:13:18]That's it.

[00:13:18]>> Steelers >> bit of rush. Um oh, and this part was good though, where he's showing he's showing everybody how to pronounce uh things in Pittsburgh-ese, uh the way the Yinzers talk. Like, "Jeet jet?" Did you eat yet?

[00:13:31]Nebby for nosey. I've never heard that one. I grew up like close enough to Pittsburgh that I knew some of these.

[00:13:37]Crick. Crick I didn't never know. I didn't know people didn't call creeks cricks until I until I left the region.

[00:13:44]Slippy. Yeah, Pittsburgh Pittsburgh people are interesting.

[00:13:48]They're not weird. They're just They're kind of like throwbacks in a way. It feels like It feels like one of the It feels like one of the rare American cities that actually has managed to stay blue collar. They They have a blue collar feel to it even if you work in biotech or something, you still have a You've still got a crappy basement bar where you drink your whatever beer they drink down there.

[00:14:11]Commanders, week 14. Oh Oh, I can't remember which player it was. There's a player who's basically pretending he's at a science fair.

[00:14:19]Let's talk oil well.

[00:14:30]Wow.

[00:14:31]Now that's science. [music] Uh Oh, is that the running back?

[00:14:35]Yeah.

[00:14:36]Okay, I guess the oil and water Tell me what I'm missing here. The oil and water is that's the oil is the reference to oil is the reference to to Texas and water I guess is Chesapeake Bay or something.

[00:14:49]And zero snark whatsoever. They're at a one.

[00:14:52]And And there we have it. That's That's the Commanders just kind of phoning it in. Jaguars again, Trevor Lawrence is still getting Remember we saw him getting the haircut?

[00:15:02]Still still getting the haircut now.

[00:15:07]Oh, week 15 versus the Texans. They didn't even make any illusions to London earlier on. You can't even You can't change it to some kind of British song or something.

[00:15:20]>> [music] >> There you go. I'll show you I'll give you the big reveal at the end.

[00:15:26]>> [music] >> They successfully transformed Chloë Sevigny into Ellen DeGeneres. Good job.

[00:15:35]>> Man, I've been wanting this cut for a long time.

[00:15:37]>> to your employees.

[00:15:39]Okay, so uh week 18, the Eagles.

[00:15:42]What do they got What do they got fixing up for the Eagles? They had Jalen Hurts revealing the schedule to four of his teammates, Jordan Mailata, Saquon Barkley, Jihad Campbell, and Jordan Davis. We only see Jordan Mailata and Saquon Barkley, and and Jalen Hurts, of course. But, I just So, they had these They had these guys do a reaction video, basically. And Jalen Hurts, who I love, is about the last person in the NFL that I would pick to do any kind of a reaction video, and he is the leader of their team. So, everybody kind of follows suit, and they try to They try to match his energy.

[00:16:22]Christmas Eve.

[00:16:24]Christmas Eve. At home.

[00:16:27]8:00 Eastern Houston, Texas. Mhm.

[00:16:30]Thursday.

[00:16:32]So, it's Saturday. So, we play Saturday, then we play Thursday. Yeah.

[00:16:36]That's a >> [laughter] >> All right. So, so most of the disrespect you're going to hear here is from the fact that they don't seem to be concerned with the Texans one bit.

[00:16:45]They're more so concerned with how many schedule oddities they have this year.

[00:16:49]And I know the funny story about Jordan Mailata in a second. Walking weeks.

[00:16:53]>> [clears throat] >> Well, they're not going to flip that.

[00:16:56]Well, they're doing this crazy, whatever. They're doing this crazy with all these days.

[00:17:00]What's it? So, we have Saturday.

[00:17:02]We have Sunday.

[00:17:04]He's uh from New Zealand, by the way.

[00:17:05]That's uh Jordan Mailata's accent.

[00:17:07]Aussie rules football player. Is he New Zealand or Australia? Apologies to whichever uh of those two groups I just offended. We have we have Thursday.

[00:17:18]>> Sunday night. Yeah, this Thursday and Thanksgiving.

[00:17:20]We don't have a Friday game.

[00:17:23]Well, we played on a Tuesday. I wouldn't count it out.

[00:17:25]>> Dude, if Jordan Hurts is my boss, I would be terrified of him. Look at that that look. That look >> [laughter] >> We played on a Tuesday.

[00:17:34]All right, so they got a bunch of weird schedule challenges. Heavy heavy is the head that wears the crown when you're a Super Bowl champion, especially in the NFC East. You're going to get a bunch of prime time games and they're going to be all over the place on the board. Jordan Mailata, um I've never seen a human being that impressive physically in my entire life.

[00:17:53]And that includes the since I've been in and around the NFL since the year 1997.

[00:17:59]But at the Super Bowl, we were staying in the hotel where all the Pro Bowlers were staying, and I got in the the elevator with him. And it's funny cuz it like I I was really ashamed of myself like how few really good NFL players I recognized by their faces.

[00:18:14]Jordan Mailata, I knew who it was instantly because I've never seen a human being that large and still put together pretty well. By big man standards, put together together incredibly well. And I started [snorts] I started kind of I started trying to throw some propaganda his way cuz Jeff Stoutland, the O-line coach who Jordan Mailata loves, has just been fired. It's the only O-line coach he's ever had. And and I talked to him about that a little bit cuz Stoutland and I were together at Cornell. And and and I I kind of started planting seeds, you know, how great it is in Houston and all the the all the and then I started name-dropping the different Polynesian players we have, which he he might have liked or he might have gotten offended by, but I was going to throw it out there. It's what you do when you're hitting on a football player. You just throw stuff out there.

[00:19:01]Week, what did we get to? Oh, week 17 versus the Packers again. Like, oh, okay. So, for the Eagles, I'll put them at a I'll put them at a five just because they didn't talk about the Texans at all. They just they were all woe is me about all the scheduling difficulties.

[00:19:16]Week 17 the Packers bunch of claymation dudes that were just in an arcade again arcades are a big theme this year but not really doing anything about the actual opponents until the very end.

[00:19:28]It is time.

[00:19:31]It is time.

[00:19:32]Let's go. Let's go. Let's go baby.

[00:19:36]There you go. As you see week 17 versus the Texans and disrespect meter one.

[00:19:44]Let me run >> I get to keep the costume, right? Okay, I think that's Clay Matthews, right? Is this Clay Matthews at the beginning?

[00:19:49]I'm guessing that's Clay Matthews and he says he gets to keep the costume. He was dressed up as some some defunct mascot they had for a brief period of time in the 90s. I've never been to the Packers Hall of Fame so I don't know what he's talking about. Week 18 versus the Titans and they didn't redo the Texans but I'll show you a couple of their best of the falsely identifying people on the streets. I I really like this Fernando Mendoza kid who nailed This kid is quick and witty.

[00:20:15]Fernando Mendoza? John Pork? What are you Yeah. Dude, I won't So John Dude, I won't tell anybody if you're actually here. John Pork for you olds not that I had to look it up. I had to look it up.

[00:20:25]Is just a guy that goes around and you know interviewing people. Rodgers.

[00:20:30]Oh man.

[00:20:32]>> [music] >> So there's all of them. Let me see the comments here.

[00:20:40]I thought this would have either be other cities podcast just talking about how to do things. Oh sorry man.

[00:20:46]I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you're expecting a highbrow conversation based on the Homer Simpson on the on the on the deal.

[00:20:52]Yeah. It says it in the title the schedule release.

[00:20:56]He didn't get a new haircut retired bro.

[00:20:57]As I understand it he actually didn't he actually didn't cut his hair.

[00:21:02]I do have respect for Jalen Hurts. Me too. Me too.

[00:21:05]He He respect the Texans. Didn't know Steven Adams played for the Eagles.

[00:21:10]>> [laughter] >> Uh let's see.

[00:21:13]Uh with everyone saying most of the losses will be at the end of the season, are the Texans really Super Bowl contenders? I think Texans win 13 or 14 games this season as long as we stay healthy. Um I guess uh I don't know.

[00:21:24]Like those are two separate things. You know, there's what everybody is saying, and then there's okay, what actually happens. So, in terms of like if if if what you're saying is okay, the some of the people who are saying they're contenders are also saying they're going to have a bunch of losses at the end of the year. I don't know. They're favored in 13 of the games this year. And when I went through the exercise myself and tried to be as objective as possible, I mean there's some that are just whether it's a road game, the London game kind of I feel like that just that's a that's random as hell those games in London.

[00:21:56]They just tend to even the table a little bit. So, um I don't know. There's what people say, and then there's what happens. Then we get to see it.

[00:22:04]But uh and uh come on, do better next year, Texans opponents. More shade.