The Attachment Trap: How to Appreciate Mentors Without Losing Yourself

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]when someone has been a mentor to you in a certain capacity, but then you start to lose yourself.

[00:00:11]This was a question that came in from Nicola, who is part of our community. I absolutely adore her and she's such a bright light and when she put this question to me I thought that this would definitely be a fantastic topic for us to go over and discuss because whether you I think all of us have been mentored by someone or we want to be mentored by someone and also in some situations we have been mentors to others. So being able to understand when that boundary needs to be in place, whether you need to put that boundary in place or when someone puts that boundary in place with you that it is not a rejection of you in any capacity and then later on towards the end we will go over a little bit of Q&A and sharing experience with that. So, you know what happens? There's someone that you admire. Maybe it is an author. It's an athlete. It's someone in business.

[00:01:27]Maybe it's someone who is a movie star who's been on a show and you're really inspired by what they do. Perhaps it's a a YouTube creator. whoever that person is that has influence and it has affected you in some way positively and ideally you want to have closer proximity to that person and there's several different things that can happen with this that at first there's the just wow that person is great maybe you see them as almost perfect in a certain way we don't see any of their flaws at all because but you're either seeing them on a stage, you're seeing them on YouTube, you're seeing them on a movie screen, you're seeing them on that TV show, you've read about them, you've heard about them from someone else and it feels great. And uh let me know as well in the chat if where there was someone that you thought was fantastic, amazing, and then you ended up seeing a different side to them that maybe they did reject you. They did snub you. And I'm going to give you a couple of different examples myself from my own life where I looked up to people and then felt terribly disappointed. and then how to go and handle that, right?

[00:02:58]Because by the end of the live and the time together, we're going to come out the other side of it so that you are always in your power, shining your light, being your brilliant you because that's who you're meant to be. So, the first I'm not going to give the specific names of these people here because that just wouldn't be right, but I'll use it as an example. So the first one was a number of years ago there was a yoga workshop that was happening and and this particular it was a friend of mine who was a very very well-known actress and she said oh you're both authors you you should do something together you should collaborate in some capacity and go to her event and you know say that I sent you and I I went to the event I did her workshop it was wonderful She's so brilliant on stage. She's very, very, very accomplished. And I thought, I'm going to wait till the end to talk to her. And you know, I had a So, let me go back a step. So, what happened was at the end there were all these people lined up waiting to go and meet her, to get a hug with her, to say how much they appreciated it. And then when it came to me, I went up to her and I said, "Oh, you were so great." and the name of my friend, our mutual friend said that we should meet, we should connect and she really she just brushed me off uh in a way. What? But let me just say this, we did a photo together. She was polite, but I sort of I felt as if I guess she had put a boundary up, a wall up there.

[00:04:36]She didn't want to connect with me afterwards. She didn't want to maintain that in any capacity. And yeah, I felt totally snubbed at the time. I took it as rejection. I was hoping to get a testimonial from her for my next book that was coming out.

[00:04:54]And you know, now I can look back and see and this is a really important point is the firm like the boundary she put in place was not a specific rejection of me. If I look at it, it was that she had been she had come in from another state.

[00:05:13]She had flown in. She'd been teaching for several hours. I don't know what else was going on in her life and she'd probably really tired and I was the last person there. So, it's hard when you really respect admire someone and then they do that. But I will admit for years I sort of carried that feeling of, oh, she snubbed me. It just, you know, I don't think that was at all. And I I I also, and I'm sharing this not to talk about me, but to give an example of how we're always still we're always still growing. It happened to me another time with another author who I really respect and admire. And again, I guess it was a pattern I had. I waited near the end because I really wanted to have that great connection. And this person had been teaching for two days solid. And she was very polite and she answered my question very graciously.

[00:06:05]But I sort of felt deflated and disappointed at the end. So if someone then, you know, maybe they're sort of moving you along or they're not giving you the answer or the recognition that you would like because you really appreciate them, a lot of the time it is not personal in any capacity at all. So you know that is important to take into consideration. And so you know at what point you have to look at where where you are in terms of where you go from appreciation to attachment where you need that person to acknowledge you. So I know we're on a live now. I am going to acknowledge you afterwards here. I just want to get through the main part of everything that I want to share so that you get this clearly. So the the knowing at that point where I've given example of these two authors I very much appreciated both of them. I had read a number of their books but then there was some part of me I suppose that got attached because and this goes to my first point that I want to talk about is the mirror effect that you have. So when you resonate with someone in particular whoever that you know I've given the example of authors it could be any like I said any type of coach an athlete an actor you know someone that's notable in their field that when you don't when you don't feel good in yourself then and you feel like you've been rejected or misunderstood or not seen. What it means is that you have not fully claimed that part in yourself.

[00:07:48]That is what is being revealed to you.

[00:07:51]And and because if you were able to meet that person, connect with that person whether it's online or in person that you you didn't feel sort of up or down. there's a there's a you know how do you know when the connection is right and you are being respected fully and there isn't any type of neediness there's just a sort of a you feel whole and complete in yourself is the best way that I can describe that and you know I know for my myself a a number of time I mean I'm just giving you two examples probably because you know before I became a self-help author and before I got into doing acting. You know, there were so many people that I really looked up to and admired and wanted that validation. And it's hard sometimes to see the other point of view. And and I got to and I have to share this is a gem of a a story I'm going to share with you from two days ago in a moment that oh my gosh like I it it's anyway for me it was a a a wild experience because it was someone that I look up to so much that I can't believe what happened with it. I'm going to tell you that in a minute. Let's move on to the idea of the vibration of clinginess and how we know when we are in that. So that vibration of clinginess it it's a it's a a neediness that is there and that that you know a lot of the time do we think we're consciously doing it? No.

[00:09:28]at the point I'm going to go back to the example of when I met those two authors.

[00:09:32]You know, I was already doing things was at that point in my life having I guess you could say whatever means I'm putting in quotation marks success that I was successful but again it it wasn't it wasn't integrated.

[00:09:48]It wasn't within me. You know, a lot of the time when I talk here on this channel about having a steady mind, your steady mind is the state that you are in. And the state isn't just the external self that we're putting out there. It's what's happening in our inner landscape. What is happening within ourselves? Because we can put this external front. And this is what I talked about about judgment the other day on the live that we did earlier in the week where sometimes we need these certain validations through the different things that we wear. the way the way that we show up but what is happening within us in that state. So really, you know, think about people now that who who do you respect, who do you admire, maybe you want to put um in the chat who you resonate with or maybe it's not specific people, maybe it's a particular area of expertise, whether it's in like I said in sports, whether it's in the arts, like what is that passion for you? And then where have you not with the awareness now?

[00:10:49]Where do you not what are you? Let me just say it this way. Are you aware of where you are not fully claiming that in yourself? And and I want to I'm going to take us through a little visualization right at the end so that we can be in that we can go into that resonance to be in that resonance in that in that right aligned state. So that then the more little by little that you do that from within then you don't have to force it from the outside then you show up and whatever that interaction is that experience with that mentor with that person that you admire it is coming in the right way because then you are radiating think of it like you know I say the word abundance whatever that good feeling is and that is your return to self. That is ultimately what we want. So, um let me just go a moment. I want to go let me just go to a couple of your comments here. Hello Arjun from India. Um appreciate you being here.

[00:11:58]Hello uh Victor and um and and I and I like that. Ripwatt says, "I hope the universe blesses you with a good kind-hearted black man." I love that.

[00:12:10]Okay, good.

[00:12:12]And Atlas says, "Hi, Bella." Hello.

[00:12:14]Hello. Um, and hello, Dr. Bop. Welcome.

[00:12:17]So, um, let's talk about the rejection illusion because again, that is something that comes from within. If you think of the idea of returning to yourself because at the end of the day we do not any person place thing mentor is not you know does not complete us doesn't give us the perfect solution.

[00:12:47]Yes, in certain situations in business, you're going to have people who are gatekeepers or who can open the door or we need to p pass certain exams or get certain credentials in life, but ultimately it is not up to someone else.

[00:13:02]Even yes, you could say when you're going for a job somewhere and you need that person to hire you or to say yes.

[00:13:10]But if we just come back to that idea of return to self is really being clear in who you are fully within who you are.

[00:13:22]And so when you go to the inner state and the idea of you could say sort of like the inner the inner child the the the and when I say the inner child what I mean by that is your inner child is thinking back to the part of you when you were little that maybe you know went through certain things that you didn't understand that weren't validated that weren't clear that where you felt like that you weren't fully enough. So at this point in time, we can't change the past, but the more that you listen to the part of yourself from within, going all the way back through in your life, not to attach to it, but to have an awareness of where did you not listen to yourself? Where were those needs not met? And so by being fully true and honest with yourself, you get to a place of clarity.

[00:14:15]So do you have the awareness now that when someone is firm with you, when someone has said no, when maybe when someone hasn't given you the attention that you want, they are not rejecting you, that only you can reject you. So type can you do this? Type love in the chat.

[00:14:36]Can you do that? Oh my gosh, I'm blushing now because I think like oh my gosh, a part of me is going like, oh that's so cheesy. Like who wants to type love in the chat? It's sort of funny.

[00:14:46]So, um I want to go to the visualization now. Let's go to the visualization and standing in your own light because this idea of you know how putting someone on a pedestal stool that you should not a lot of the time when we look to especially in in the spiritual sense and I've seen this a lot in the self-help space and in spiritual circles is we put that person or that author that that actor onto a pedestall and no one should be put into some onto a pedestal right because or every single person has those imperfections and and so and then I'm going to tell you the sto this story that I said afterwards I was going to tell you right afterwards but let's just go through the visualization now so I want you to have a sense of you know that core of your gifts of your strengths of of who you are and what you are doing in the world or what you want to do cuz maybe there's you're not as far along as you want to be maybe there was a project or something that you were putting out there that just, you know, it hasn't hit or landed yet in the way that you want it to. Maybe there's someone that you want to connect with in particular and it just it hasn't reached that point yet. I want you to if you can you can keep your eyes you know if you're driving if you're doing something don't close your eyes but you either you can close your eyes to just a focus inwards a moment or you can just have a sense of of visualizing with a knowing seeing of sensing the person that of who you know that you are your true self when you take away all the ideas of a certain person you want to connect with or how you want the validation or the recognition have a sense of you and I want you to imagine it as a core value. If there was one word at this point in time in your journey, it's not always going to be this, but think of for now. So, for example, like for me, I would pick be an expression of love. Like I like that idea of being love and then amplifying that love. For someone else, it could be it could be strength. It could be for you. It could be courage. It could be the idea of creativity. It could be determination. It could be resilience.

[00:17:01]So pick the state now. Pick the state that you want to resonate that you want to feel within yourself. And the return to self, the return to your heart. It comes from here. So just think about here either I would say here for now go to the heart area right. So right here this heart center and then here right at the upper chest. So it's a connection.

[00:17:21]It's that bridge to yourself to that best most amazing version of yourself.

[00:17:28]So if you've picked the state you could write the word in the chat afterwards as well. Put that word to be able to say like yes I am being in this. Take a deep inhale.

[00:17:39]And as you exhale, feel anything that is not in resonance that makes you feel smaller in some capacity that where you have sought external validation. Have a sense of that energy falling away.

[00:17:54]Connect into the state. So for example, for me, I would say I am love. I am love. I am love. You might say, I am determined. I am determined. I am courageous. I am courageous. I am powerful. I am powerful. I am resonating. I am light. Whatever it is that comes to mind. Have that. Feel it.

[00:18:14]It really allow yourself to feel it. If you find it hard to feel it, notice where you're going to in your head. Come back into your heart. Drop into feeling.

[00:18:25]Drop the shoulders down from the ears.

[00:18:27]Take a deep inhale again and exhale.

[00:18:32]If you notice someone that comes to mind where they have maybe rejected you, where they have put a boundary, where they haven't replied to you, where they have ignored you, where you just feel invisible to them in some capacity, let it go. Just know that they are not the source of your brilliance, that you in your own right are a mentor. You are a mentor, a leader, a guide, a support to someone else. there are other people who look to you. So that you know ultimately it comes to that connection or you being that expression of that usefulness in society in the world is your return to self. So you um take a deep inhale a moment. I just needed to pause there a moment. Take a deep inhale and exhale.

[00:19:24]And that as you stand in your light, your value is not determined by access.

[00:19:34]And as you come back to respecting yourself fully, being in that light, being with you, within you, then that strength is there because a true mentor helps you shine. They help you be the best version of yourself. So, um, okay. Thank you. I love I love all these comments here. This is funny. Oh my gosh, it's so funny. So, now the last thing I'm going to do here is I am going to share with you my um story about the person who I saw a couple of days ago who like they're not a mentor to me, but my gosh, if they could be. And this was um I was in the gym two evenings ago after the live because I promised I'd tell you this story. and I'm sitting on the the cable pulling machine and then who gets on the machine like walks by right in front of me stops looks me dead in the eye is and let me know in the chat type in the chat if you know who it is um or if you can guess who this actor is one of my favorite actors ever Wilson. Owen Wilson. Oh my gosh. Like Lightning McQueen. Um Wedding Crashers.

[00:20:44]I couldn't believe it. And then so I see him. So, he's with I don't know with a friend of his. I don't know if I'm here in Miami Beach. I don't know if he's filming, if he's on vacation here or anything. Then I see him and there's no one else like around and and I see him trying to go out this emergency exit door and he's getting all lost. And I thought, what do I do? Oh my gosh. You know, inside I'm just like flipping out cuz I'm like, it's Owen Wilson. It's Owen Wilson. And then I say to him and and I guess I went into someone here said about about how my British they said about my British accent here. Well, I went into like full-on British accent mode and I said, "You can't go out that way." And I thought, "Gosh, do I sound really stern here?" And then and and then I said, "Where are you trying to go?" And um and and he was trying to go out to the pool. And then I went into this whole explanation of well no because if you go out these emergency exits and I can just in inside all I wanted to do was say I love your movies.

[00:21:43]I love you as an actor. I can't believe I'm talking with you. But I didn't do that. I kept it all in. I kept it all in and and um and then I just gave the directions. I was like, "Oh, you're going to go here." You know, I I went through all of that and I was just observing, watching, thinking, gosh, I sound so British. I sound so I sound like some type of British school teacher, but I think it's because I was nervous and and and then after my husband came up to me and said, gosh, you like you got really British there.

[00:22:14]And but wow, that was like doing a scene with Owen Wilson. I said, "Yeah, that's the closest thing that I'm going to get to acting with Owen Wilson. That was amaz like." And then there was someone else that saw what happened. They said, "Oh my gosh, you got to talk with Owen Wilson." So I but in that moment you know I was like I don't know how or what he would have thought or how he would have reacted or if he just thought okay she gave me the right directions or you know I don't know but anyway my whole thing was there that you know the the attachment versus the I guess like the like the need to show up in a certain way. But I I I stayed in myself. I I let myself do my thing. Uh Sponge says Billy Jean. Yes.

[00:23:00]Yes. Exactly. Uh Player Coin says Kashon. Exactly. Um and uh Kenneth Boy says, "Are you a businesswoman?" Yes.

[00:23:09]Yes. Exactly. I I am a businesswoman.

[00:23:11]I'm an actor. I'm an author. And um so, okay. Well, that was I thank you for being here today. And uh I would just say just go be your brilliant self.

[00:23:24]shine on and um and I will see you in the next