Obligation: A prison without walls

[00:00:00]Hi everybody, it's Natalie. So today's video is something a little different.

[00:00:05]It's very personal. Um, and forgive me uh with the red cheeks and eyes cuz I have been very emotional today because there is a prison that I have built for myself [snorts] and it it's manifested itself in in so many different ways and really [gasps] where I thought this transitional year and and retirement and finance finances in security hasn't really answered the fundamental question which is what do I want from the next part of my life chapter decade whatever that may be and I'm finding it very difficult to answer that question so for forgive me if I do tear up a bit and you can see look my you always know when I've been crying because my eyes look turquoise or green versus gray or blue. So, but what does that mean? Um, obligation, a prison without walls.

[00:01:16]So, I actually spoke to my son today to try and verbalize to him how I was feeling without obviously not trying to burden him.

[00:01:26]And from an emotional perspective, he, you know, he said all the right things, my beautiful boy. um and told me just go live my life not worrying about him and of course you can't not worry about your child and you know he's my only baby um but [clears throat] I'm and again as ever Natalie has her cheat sheet notes but the obligations that I'm feeling are are a number of ones obviously family I have my son and my mom my son is building a life with his partner and you know they've got a house they've got little jobs, you know, they're doing all the things I did at that age. In fact, slightly younger than what I was, you know, figuring out life together with a partner, and that's a joyous thing for me to see. I I adore that. Um, and I've built my son or I built the the relationship with my son always to be independent of me. Obviously, the success of that is he is independent of me at the age of 21.

[00:02:33]Um but it it leaves a purpose in my life that is no longer there. Equally I have an aging mom. Um my father died six years ago in the first week of COVID. I have two sisters or I had two sisters.

[00:02:50]My eldest sister died when I was 19. She was very severely disabled. My younger sister has unfortunately chosen not to be part of the family anymore. I haven't seen her in 10 12 years.

[00:03:02]um it was her birthday yesterday and I'll always say you know happy birthday Ingred but um you know it's a relationship I no longer have with her.

[00:03:12]So it essentially I'm this person in the middle and I know a lot of you can relate to that you know where you have children and elderly parents and um she has a better my mother has a better social life than I've ever had. She's got a golf club. She's got very close friends. They're going on a holiday, a cruise this year. [sighs and gasps] Um, and then although she's getting elderly, she's still got every, you know, all her faculty. She's still healthy. She's got a couple of problems with her feet, but you know, apart from that, you know, she's, you know, she's got a great life and and it's a life I don't envy because it's not a life that is what I would choose, but I envy to a degree the fact that she is still got such a great social life and a great life even in those years. I don't want this to sound like a pity party. It's not. It's it's I feel trapped by my own making.

[00:04:12]I feel obligated to do something financially for my son and I feel obligated to be available to my mom even though um it's killing me inside. And I don't even know whether I'm going to post this video quite frankly because who wants to [ __ ] watch a video with a [ __ ] crying? [laughter] [gasps] Oh, Natalie, get a grip of yourself. For goodness sake, get a grip of yourself, [snorts] but I have this obligation inside of me, and I want to run away from it. I want to run away from this house. It's a burden. It's It's four bedrooms. I don't even live in any of them, you know, barely. Um, Belfast, great city. Love this city. And with my new little seasonal job, I get to tell everybody how wonderful Belfast is. And by the way, if you're watching this and you're not from Belfast, please do come and see Belfast. It is a revelation these days.

[00:05:11]But again, I I almost feel trapped by the little seasonal job that I have.

[00:05:15]They've asked me just to do some extra hours for the next four weeks, you know, 9 to 5:30. And again, I'm just feeling that entrament. even though it's a you know a little uh you know I'll be glad of the money and and you know um it'll be nice to just have something to do but again it's I I feel obligation now so if I'm looking for somewhere new to live I'm like oh well is it close to where I would do the seasonal job is it close to my son is it close to my mom is it equidistant all these things and all I want to do is scream and leave everything behind and just run and figure it out somewhere you um I had great adventures in my 20s uh from my 30s and 40s when I was in corporate world. I traveled a lot to America and and various different places, Australia, Singapore.

[00:06:07]I cannot complain about my life. I have had a great a great life. I have some stories and when I'm down uh on my little seasonal job uh and greeting people all the time I get to tell some of those stories because it's relevant to the location that I'm in or you know they maybe ask me something and you know oh yes I've done that and blah blah blah and I give them a little [snorts] story about it and so yeah I've got loads of stories to tell but now that I'm sort of out of that parenting role I mean I'm never going going to stop being a parent obviously, but now that I'm out of that parenting role, now that I'm out of that job role, I'm trapped by almost indecision. What do I do next? Um, I want to give a shout out to Kevin at White Picket Rebellion because it's all his fault. No.

[00:07:03][gasps and laughter] Um, because he's on he's going through a similar thing as well. And again, I see somebody and I empathize with them and I I I can see myself, you know, relating so well to someone and then it just it shines a spotlight in your own world. You know, what am I doing? You know, financially I am fine within reason. I'm not a millionaire. I'm not even close to being a millionaire, but you know, I'm I'm I'm doing well with with the potential finances that I have for retirement, but I've got nothing to spend it on because I haven't built a life outside of what I had as a mom or a corporate person, a program manager, and cyber security, IT, all that good stuff, right? So, I haven't got anything pulling me in a new direction and it's scaring me [sighs] cuz I'm like, what did I build all this financial security for if I've got no life to live within it?

[00:08:07]So, some of the other things that um kind of got me thinking are, you know, this house is a is a security for me.

[00:08:16]It's a legacy, but if I sell it, do I have that security? Am I making myself homeless? Um, or do I just buy something smaller, use it as a bolt hold, blah blah blah. But I also want to leave a legacy to my son as well. And whether that be a house, my pension, or whatever I've got left in the pot whenever I, you know, finally pop me clogs, that weighs on me because I want to make sure he's set up financially through my um, you know, good choices during my life.

[00:08:52]And so I'm constantly asking the question, arguing with Chachi PT daily at the moment, what comes next? What do I build first?

[00:09:03]And I don't know. I genuinely don't know, you know?

[00:09:08]And I see all these ones. I sold everything and I just left and I just figured it out. And I'm like, "Oh my god, you're talking my language." But I just don't want to drop everything and go because again, I'm imprisoning myself with this feeling of being obligated to um Oh, look at the state of me with me.

[00:09:30]Oh, I'm going to be puffy in the morning. Yep. Um, but you know, I so I feel this obligation. My neighbors are selling their house and it's just like, you know, it's time for me to go too, but I don't know where. Uh, I always said, you know, a bit like Kevin at White Pig Rebellion, uh, Rebellion. Um, and by the way, I'll leave a link to his channel because if you're a gentleman or you're in America, whatever, I think you'll relate a lot to what he's saying. Um, but I want to retire to the coast as well.

[00:10:03]That's always that had always been a dream, but in Northern Ireland, you know, there's not an awful lot of coast left to to retire to that's inexpensive and whatever. Um, and I still, you know, do you know what I do? I build too many obstacles in the way. Instead of just doing something, I give myself a reason not to do it. Oh, but what about this consequence? What about this trade-off? What about that?

[00:10:28]I because there's a I suppose there's a a level of uh perfectionism because I'm trying to optimize for the most optimal outcome instead of just doing what I was doing in my 20ies which was just forgive me the language just [ __ ] off and doing something different. you know, in my 20ies, I lived on a caboose in Israel and I was I was telling an elderly couple um yesterday, you know, instead of, you know, picking gooseb, you know, uh in the kitchen or doing, you know, feeding the chickens, we had an industrial tire factory in our caboose and I learned how to make solid industrial tires and which I can do and um all the chemicals that went into it and I couldn't I my hands were too small to cut the different thicknesses of of rubber and as as most of the females were. And so they all decamped to the kitchen uh because after about 3 days of doing it, our hands were literally cramped like this. It was it was really uh really really painful. But being a tomboy, I didn't want to uh decamp to the kitchen. So I says, "No, I want to stay in the factory. Give me a job." So they put me in the chemical department.

[00:11:44]I then completely reorganized it so that I had the least amount of traveling to do with all the different chemicals that had to be bagged. Um, and so I ended up doing like an 8 hour day in about 4 days and stuff, which of course they give me extra work to do, but that's all right.

[00:11:58]Um, the the joy was in the, you know, the optimization side of it. So I've done that. Um, I started a PhD, which unfortunately sort of bored me and by that stage I wanted to do, you know, or start earning money.

[00:12:12]Um, I was a medical rep for a while in Orpington in Kent. I was a IT recruitment consultant in London. Um, and then I came back and I did a bit of IT recruitment. Hated it. Hated it.

[00:12:28]Hated it. And then I got, you know, uh, my career job.

[00:12:33]So, I have done a lot of different things in my time. I've got a lot of great stories. Got a lot of great horrors, humiliations. been the story of my life. But, um, I kind of want to get back to that level of adventure.

[00:12:49]And I know I've kind of got a finite period between now and when my mom really does need hopefully for me to be on hand just in case. And hopefully by then, you know, my son might have uh, you know, a couple of babies and, you know, I get to be the grandparent and stuff as well.

[00:13:08]And so, I suppose I've got a period of about five years where I really want to just go and oh my god it sounds like I I want to go and find myself, you know, but I don't want to do it on my own either. That's the other thing. That's the the the quandry, you know, even in my 20ies, all the things I did, I I I started off solo and I met friends, boyfriends, and whatever on the way, but you know, um I still had to do it on my own. I still had to take that leap of faith by myself. I still had to be brave enough to do that. And I know I can do that at 55. But again, you know, you kind of want to share the world with other people. You want to see what delights them as much as it what delights you.

[00:13:56]You know, you want to embrace adventures with others. And I think that's where I that's the other pillar of this, you know, prison that I'm making is well, I've got no one to do it with, so why bother doing it? And you know I back in November when I got made redundant in October and I took a a month off in Italy. I spent three days in Rome, bookended that in bookended Sicily um either side with Rome and I love Rome. I could spend a week there and not get bored. Um but I went to Polarmo and I was bored. I went to Mondello Beach. It was the end of the season and whatever.

[00:14:32]And it was it's so hard to do something like by yourself because all you've got is your own thoughts.

[00:14:37]So anyway, have I rambled on enough? 15 minutes of self-pittitying nonsense, but it's a it's a video that I wanted to to uh I don't know whether anybody else feels this weight and this self, you know, encased psychological trap enttrapment and prison that I've built and I just don't know how to break out of it. And so if anybody has any experience of how they have overcome this feeling, I would love to connect with you. I'd love to know what I just need to do. What the first step is to just, you know, doing something without figuring out or trying to see 15 steps ahead. figuring trying to figure out that optimal you know road ahead instead of just saying you know just do it one foot in front of the other advice I give everybody just keep moving forward just put one foot in front of the other doesn't matter how small just do it and I I can't take my own advice anyway [snorts] so apologies for the slight emotionality of this video but I hope some people will resonate with it and Um, I'll talk to you all in the next one. Bye.