toxic man mums

Added: 2026-05-18

[00:00:00]Greetings, guys, girls, and nonbinary pals, and welcome back to another video.

[00:00:06]In the past, I have made videos about toxic boy moms. I have made quite a few videos about toxic boy moms. In fact, the first parent video I ever made was a toxic boy mom video, and it kind of all spiraled from there. Since then, I have created so much parenting content that that is kind of a lot of what I do now.

[00:00:24]That's kind of what that's kind of what I've become. Um, but I've realized that even though I have talked about toxic boy moms a good many times, I've never really focused on what that looks like when these boys become men, when they are adults, what the consequences of these toxic relationships look like later in life, and how it impacts these men and everyone in their lives, all their relationships, and everything else they've got going on. So, I thought that that would be an interesting thing to do. I thought that that would be a good thing to dive into. Now, initially, this actually started as a whole different video. I'm currently working on a video about enshment. Um, and this was going to be just a section of that video.

[00:01:14]However, as we know, I get very carried away. [laughter] I get really stuck into subtopics sometimes. And I ended up saying way too much about just this specific type of inshment um that I it needed to be its own video because inshment exists outside of just these toxic motherson relationships. They impact people of all genders and in different ways. So I didn't want to have a video that is meant to be very inclusive of so many different types of people in relationships just kind of focus on this. So, I'm here to make a whole video about this to get it out of the way because there is a lot that needs to be talked about for both of these topics.

[00:02:01]So, it's kind of a two-parter, but it's also its own. [laughter] So, if you want to see my video about enshment that will be coming soon, please do not forget to hit subscribe.

[00:02:12]About 50% of you are regular viewers but are not subscribed. So, please do check if you are because I get comments regularly from people being like, "Oh my god, I thought I was subscribed." and apparently I wasn't. So that could be you. Please do check. And if you are already subscribed, then please do not forget to hit like, leave a comment, all that good stuff in order to talk about where these relationships end up in the future and what [laughter] their lives look like when these men are grown adults. I do think it is necessary to first look a little bit at what it looks like in childhood. Let's look at a couple of Tik Toks. This first one um unfortunately actually came up on my reels the other day. Like I was just casually scrolling in bed as you do. Um and I was bombarded with this which you know on the bright side it did mean that I put my phone away and went to sleep.

[00:03:05]However, I didn't like it. [laughter] So this is a woman holding her son who is I don't know how to tell the age of children. One two maybe I don't know.

[00:03:17]And it just says, "Practicing hijacking my son's first dance because no little witch is ever coming before me." And it's just like, it's such a wild thing to say. This is such a wild wild thing to say. Like, I'm sorry. Firstly, the misogyny. [laughter] We need to talk about that for a second.

[00:03:38]Like, not just, you know, the weirdness of being like, I'm hijacking my son's first dance because I'm going to be the first girl he dances with. Obviously, that is reserved for me. He's not going to dance with any other girl. That's for me. Okay, tone it down. That's really weird. But also like referring to all girls, like children, no less, as little witches.

[00:04:04]This is just such a [ __ ] weird thing to say and a weird way to act. Which brings us to this next Tik Tok, which is one that I believe I've referred to before, but it really like encapsulates this whole idea and how strange it is, especially when you consider the fact that this is like a viral sound. There are thousands thousands of Tik Toks of mothers posting like videos and photos of their like infant sons and like [laughter] to this sound. He'll be his first kiss, [music] his first love, his first friend.

[00:04:44]You are his mom, and he is [music] your whole world.

[00:04:50]He is your little boy.

[00:04:52]He's your little boy. [laughter] Because like, okay. Yes. Right. Like, if you look at this from, you know, a normal place, [laughter] like these are all objectively true. like you are his mother. So yeah, you are going to be like the first person he loves and the first person you will kiss and the first person who he's like friends with and like the first person he hugs like you and your co-parent like yeah obviously that is true. Um but when it's said like this like when it's in this context of being like oh it's his first it's his first. It's like it's got this really weird connotation to it that makes me really uncomfortable.

[00:05:43]Imagine if your kid came home and said that he'd had his first kiss and you're like, "No, your first kiss was with me."

[00:05:49]Like, it's so it's so weird. It's just it's all about the context. Like, yeah, these are all things that are absolutely true. However, it's really disturbing to romanticize it and put it in this context of almost making it like a competition and a thing of being like, I'm so special because I was here first before any like romantic partner that he may have when like they they should be completely separate concepts. They should they should not be touching. This is just such a weird thing to say. The energy is so strange and I don't like it. [laughter] There's just like so much misogyny that comes out of all of these mothers and the content that they create. Especially when you add in the idea that they are like competing with these imaginary girlfriends of their, you know, infant sons and like they talk about it and post about it like it's so incredibly normal. And unfortunately, it has been really normalized. Like these get hundreds of thousands of likes and it's so weird and such a weird thing that's normalized to like romanticize this relationship between mother and son in like a weirdly like romantic way that is being compared to things it should not be compared to. And also on top of that, the misogyny aspect as well of like saying it's the best thing ever to have a son and like a son is preferable and like nothing will ever compete with the the having a son. And there is a lot of content that revolves around that as well, such as this next one which has over 200,000 likes as well.

[00:07:21]>> They say if you ever need to know what real love feels like, [music] have a son.

[00:07:25]>> Pause. Already off to a terrible start.

[00:07:27]This is what I'm saying. This is what I mean, right? Like the love of your child is unique and special. Yes, obviously the love you have for a child is different to the love you feel in any other place. And I'm not at all arguing against the fact that maybe the way you love a child is the, you know, the strongest love you have felt and it can feel all-encompassing. I get that.

[00:07:49]That's totally fine. The issue comes in when it's like they say if you want to know what real love feels like, have a son specifically. Not have a child, have a son specifically. If you have a daughter, you still don't know what real love feels like. A daughter doesn't cut it. Sorry. It's only It's only a son that is going to give you real love.

[00:08:10]No. [laughter] And now I know [music] what they meant because from the moment I held you, it wasn't just love. It was something deeper, something quieter, something [music] that settled in my bones and told me this is what you were made for.

[00:08:23]I always thought I'd have a daughter. I imagined bows and ballet shoes, matching outfits [music] and soft spoken talks.

[00:08:30]But then you came all wide eyes and tiny fists, [music] all wonder and wild energy. And suddenly I couldn't imagine anything else.

[00:08:37]>> So basically to continue on, um, girls are nothing but an aesthetic. They're like bows. They're bows and ballet shoes. They're just cute little They cute little pretty, you know, you get to decorate them and buy them clothes.

[00:08:51]Boys, however, they have wide eyes and tiny fists and wild energy because girls don't have those things. Obviously, baby girls don't have wide eyes or tiny fists. [laughter] That's something exclusively that boys have. Boys also, remember, can't wear bows or have ballet shoes. No, no, no.

[00:09:11]Girls are anesthetic. Boys, boys are wild energy. They're tiny and they're they're brilliant and they're so special and different and I can't imagine anything else. [sighs and gasps] This idea needs to [ __ ] stop, right?

[00:09:25]Like so completely. There is no difference between a newborn girl and a newborn boy. There is no difference.

[00:09:31]They are they are just they're individuals. Every single person is an individual. The way you raise them makes a difference into who they are, but also like, you know, who they are is who they are and what they like and what they are going to enjoy and what they're going to be like. Like that has parts to do with how you raised them and also parts to do with how they feel. But that is not directly tied to the gender they are assigned at birth. Like that is that you don't stop treating it like that. Stop being like, "Wow, this infant newborn son that just came out of me is so different to this infant newborn girl that just came out of me." I mean, yeah, they are different, but like not for any madeup societal construct ways that you seem to be implying here. One is not better than the other. They're just they're just different, but also like the same. They're different cuz they're different people, not because they're different genders. The rest of the TikTok kind of carries on along this line, right? It's quite long and it it just keeps going with this same general concept. There are so many different layers to the levels of problematic of this thinking. There is that inherent like idea that girls are inferior and you are whether intentionally or not teaching that to your son. You are like telling your son that he is everything and that like you know you will never love someone as much as you love him that he is special. That like he is more special than girls are. That this whole thing implies that if you have a daughter or if you will have a daughter, you will never love her as much as you love your son. And if that is true, they are both going to know that. And it is going to teach this boy that like he is better than girls. He is better than women. is going to teach these girls that they are not as good as boys, not as good as men. That like it's setting up these horrible misogynistic standards and it is setting up these boys to grow up and then like think they deserve things from women. They think that they are owed from women. They think that they are above them and they deserve to receive but not have to give.

[00:11:44]And these girls will grow up the opposite thinking that they have to give, they have to serve. And that is not okay. That is not okay. You should never raise children like that. And there's also the concept of like, you know, he is my entire world. This son, he is my entire world. And I understand that that is coming from a place of like trying to be sweet and lovely, being like, my son is my everything. And I know a lot of parents say that, but I think a lot of people don't consider the ramifications of that and how much pressure there is in a statement like that. Like saying to your son, you are my entire world. You are everything to me. Is putting a huge amount of pressure on him and effectively saying that he is responsible for your joy and your happiness. It's this type of behavior that creates this inshed relationship.

[00:12:30]Right? This dynamic where these boys think that they have to do everything in their power to please you because you've made them feel like that is their job.

[00:12:39]There is nothing worse than like upsetting you or letting you down. And there's like almost this this unspoken sort of threat there of like the worst thing in the world is to let you down.

[00:12:50]And it's really difficult to explain that if it's not something you've experienced. But there is just this level of attachment that is really really hard to break up. And effectively like the sort of language and treating a relationship like this is these mothers like grooming their sons into constantly giving them their affection and like creating this relationship where they are easily controlled and manipulated.

[00:13:15]and they've been sort of brought up that way while being told that it's just love and like it's a lot of like love bombing and just this weird this weird veil that's really hard to like look through.

[00:13:29]But ultimately when they get older it makes it really difficult to form other relationships and to be independent and it hurts a lot of other people as well and that is what this video is actually about. I've sat here talking about childhood for way too long. I'm so sorry. But we are now going to dive into into what this looks like in adult context. So, for starters, I am in a few Facebook groups for women who come in and talk about their mothersin-law, mother-in-laws, mothersin-law, I don't know, whichever one is the correct term.

[00:14:05]Um, or as they refer to them, monstersin-law.

[00:14:09]And [laughter] you know what? Valid.

[00:14:12]Honestly, fair enough. A lot of this talking about these like monsters in lore is specifically around this type of enshed relationship and how frustrating it is. And so, we're going to read a couple of examples. Okay, this one is titled Trigger Warning: Verbal Threat Against Life. So, yep. [laughter] Hello. I am wondering if anyone has been able to survive a marriage with a husband who is deeply inshed with his mother. My husband and I are in counseling and he has admitted that there is nothing his mom could do that would make him stop talking to her. She has made up a lot of lies about me and tries to sabotage our marriage since day one. She has messaged people I work with lies about me and showed up to my past workplaces to ask if I was really there.

[00:14:56]A couple of years ago, she reached out to my husband's secretary at the job, and whatever lie she told her was so bad that his secretary threatened to unalive me if it would help save him from me.

[00:15:06]His mom is very narcissistic. My husband refused to let me go to the cops, and he never told his job about this. His secretary even showed up to a bar my husband was at with his friends and family one night. Thankfully, I wasn't there. And she was asking around looking for me to try and fight me. She ended up getting kicked out of the bar for causing a scene which was reported by a random person to his workplace. His HR asked him if he knew about it and he said not really. He chooses his own comfort over protecting me. He was overwhelmed and busy at work and afraid to lose his secretary which would cause him to have even less help. I can confirm there's no infidelity involved and she is much older than him. So anyways, I feel unsafe everywhere I go.

[00:15:44]I never know what his mom is plotting.

[00:15:46]He continues to talk to her everyday and be best friends with her. It feels like such a deep betrayal. His dad died 2 years ago and now he says he will never cut his mom off because it made him realize how important parents are and he wants to have at least one parent in his life. I've been dealing with stuff like this for 9 years now, so I think I'm desensitized to it. He always finds a way to blame me instead of blaming his mom. I think because he knows he will never get accountability from her. I'm just wondering if anyone else found a way to make their marriage work when their husband continues to choose his mom and refuse to set boundaries. If it's even possible to work. Please be kind. am having a hard time with this and I've never spoken about it outside of my immediate friends. Thank you.

[00:16:23]Also, it goes without saying, but yes, I've always been kind to this mom and tried for years to reconcile/ win her approval. She hated me before she even met me. My husband lived with her until he was 30 years old. He was her whole life and then he met me and we moved in together. She hated me for taking away her son. Good lord. [laughter] Oh my god.

[00:16:43]This is such a horrible situation. This woman has been putting up with this for 9 years. Girl, you should not have been putting up with this for 9 years. This [laughter] is like absolutely like I just don't think it's worth it. And this is the thing, right? She acknowledges here. She's like he is deeply in mesh.

[00:17:01]Like this relationship is in mesh. And she's recognizing the fact that like there's been, you know, psychological like manipulation and grooming or whatever that happened within this relationship. like he grew up with this woman putting this importance on their relationship and like building this relationship like this which obviously you can feel sympathy for. You can like understand that that's a difficult thing and so you kind of overlook it in hopes that taking him out of the situation putting space there like that's going to help. It's going to help him get over it because he's a good guy. He's a nice person and you know if he just overcame this and separated from his mother a little bit then everything would be fine. But it's not your job to fix someone, right? Firstly, people aren't broken. There's nothing to fix. It's just [laughter] it's like it's just something that he needs to work on. But it is not your responsibility to like get him to deal with it. It's not your responsibility to try to like heal this trauma and like make him move away from it and help him like recover from this situation. Like firstly, that is a decision that he has to make on his own and he has to be willing and it like I just don't think it is a good thing to do to go into a relationship being like I'll overlook this thing because I think I can help him move past it because sometimes a lot of the time that's like not within your capabilities. I think that there is so little regard given to your own person sometimes, right? Like in situations like this, there's obviously this understanding and empathy for her husband and that overlooking of it to be like he's great in every other way. This is just a part that really bothers me, but like it's a large part. It's a big thing. Like he's actively like not standing up for you when you are being put in harm's way. His relationship with his mother is obviously like a huge part of who he is and thus your relationship.

[00:18:50]It's one thing, but it's like not really because it impacts so much of your relationship that it takes up like a large percentage. It's like it's like when you do an assignment at uni, right?

[00:19:03]It's like it's one assignment, but it's worth 40% of your grade. Like that's a big chunk. It's one thing, but it's like a massive chunk. And I think that it's really diminishing to like take it down into like something that's like, oh, it's just this one thing. It's just he's great except for his relationship with his mother. That's like greatly diminishing the issue. Especially when like that's also a spectrum of like issues with his mother and like the relationship you have with your in-laws can mean so many different things. And like when it's to this point where literally you are being put in harm's way and your life partner doesn't even stand up for you. Like that's not a small thing. That is not something you can just overlook. the fact that this woman knows, right, that like she can say and do whatever the [ __ ] she wants and her son is going to defend her and be there for her, take her side. Like, so she will continue to do that. If there are never any consequences for her actions, she's never going to stop doing it. And the fact that this man will not put his foot down, will not set any boundaries, enforce any boundaries, push back, just means she's going to continue to do it. And the more you put up with that and just like you know say that you're unhappy but don't take action for that the more he is going to do it right at a point you have to leave. You have you have to leave. And I think that so many more women need to realize that like it's not it's just not worth the emotional tax of relationships like this. And it's really sad too obviously right because like these mothers right their whole thing is that they love their sons. They love their sons so much. I just want you to be happy with me. You'll never be happy with anyone else. I'm the best. I love you best. I know what you love. I know what you want. I know what's best for you. And it's not her or any other woman. And it just really negatively impacts these relationships, right? Cuz I I'm sitting here telling this woman to walk away.

[00:21:02]Sitting here telling this woman to divorce her husband because she deserves better. And she clearly knows she deserves better. And that is what is so horrible about these boy moms is that they claim that they want what's best for their sons, but really they just want to continue to control them and have these weird little twisted relationships with them where they kind of use them as like replacement partners. And it's so [ __ ] up and it's so negatively impacting these men's lives and their capacity to form emotional connections and have relationships where they can feel fulfilled. And it's also negatively impacting the lives of these men's partners and their children and their friends. And it like it has so many negative ramifications that like ripple out and affect everyone else in their lives as well as themselves. And the only one who wins in the end is these mothers. I also like this is kind of irrelevant, but I'm like so curious as to what the lie was this woman said to her son's secretary for his secretary to come out threatening to unalive her, right? Like, what could you possibly say to a secretary that leads them to threatening the wife of the person they work for? And then the fact he didn't call the cops, he didn't even tell his workplace. Like I I have so many questions and I'm so concerned. And everything about that situation is so beyond [ __ ] up. And the fact that this woman just continues to get away with it makes me so mad. I'm so mad at her. I'm so mad at her son. And I'm so confused by the secretary. Anyway, next post. My mother-in-law moved far away, but now my husband wants us to spend all of our vacations visiting her. She did something unsafe our last visit and I don't feel comfortable visiting her home anymore. It would have to be a hotel in the future. My husband is freaking out about it, but I told him I would get family court involved if it came down to it. And I'm pretty sure they would agree with me. He's upset now, but the kid safety is my priority. It has been a really exhausting argument that we keep circling back to. And I'm really frustrated. How do you deal with in-law issues if you can't see eye to eye with your spouse? This is not in-law issues and not seeing eye to eye with your spouse. This is your husband not prioritizing the safety and well-being of his children, which is never okay.

[00:23:21]That is not something that you compromise on. That is not something you debate about. It is the safety of your children is the only thing that matters.

[00:23:28]And if your husband is arguing against the safety of your children, you kick him to the curb. Going back to what I said before, you can love him. You can love every other part of him other than the relationship he has with his mother.

[00:23:40]But if he is not willing to like make sacrifices for the safety of his children, that's a deal breakaker.

[00:23:47]That's the end of the line. There is no if buts or may. There is no debating. If there is an issue in which you think you could get the court involved who will take your side about the safety of your children and your husband is arguing against it, that's it. [laughter] There's I'm sorry. I cannot offer any alternate advice. And that's again so [ __ ] sad. The fact that he has been like the relationship he has with his mother is so twisted and [ __ ] up to the point where he prioritizes that.

[00:24:17]Meaning he will sacrifice his own joy.

[00:24:20]He will sacrifice his children, his marriage, everything to just like make sure his mother doesn't get upset. He will sacrifice everything to please her or not even just to please her but just to like not upset her.

[00:24:35]And that's so [ __ ] up and it's so sad and that is a result of like prolonged like emotional manipulation and grooming and abuse and that's upsetting. But you also just have to you have to be like [ __ ] that sucks. I'm so sad he grew up this way and is like cut off from forming meaningful relationships that he will prioritize. But unfortunately this is where we're at. He's not willing to listen and get help and separate himself. he is making the decision to to stay here and to be putting himself in this situation. And if that if he's not going to listen, if he's not going to budge from this, if he is not going to prioritize his children, like it doesn't it doesn't matter. You can feel bad for him and you can feel like, you know, you can see the potential in him stepping away and you know he'd be great if he stepped away, but he's not.

[00:25:26]And so like the decision is made. You have to leave. And the most frustrating part about that, I think, like the part that pisses me off to think about the most, is that when this woman walks away and takes the kids, which she absolutely should do. I really hope she did. Um, you know that this woman, this man's mother is going to be like, "See, I told you she was bad. I told you she would break your heart. I told you she wasn't good enough. She will turn it around and make his wife, his ex-wife into the villain of the story, even though it was her because she's these women are very good manipulators. Next post. I married into an ineshed family.

[00:26:09]My husband has been away from me and our children for 4 weeks now. He chose his family over me and the kids. He refuses to not stand up to his sister and mom in regards to them being disrespectful to me and our marriage. Before he left, we got into an argument about him not defending me and standing up for me. He doesn't say anything to them or confronts them when they overstep their boundaries. I'm tired of it. So, it led to us arguing and him leaving. He then begins gaslighting, blaming me, and other things just to avoid having to deal with arguing about his family and voiding the contract we have with them.

[00:26:40]I guess [clears throat] I'll be spending Mother's Day alone. I miss him and do want him back home. Is it much to ask him to confront his family about the disrespect before asking him to come back home to ensure that it will stop and won't happen again? They have brainwashed him. Or is it a loss? I'm losing hope. Making the decision to move away from your wife and children to go stay with your mother based off of the reason that your wife is upset that you won't stand up to your mother is really something. I understand that it is difficult to confront these things, but if you don't want to lose your wife and your children, you have to [ __ ] listen to them. You can't just run away from anything that is difficult and into the arms of your mother and complain about the person you love, the person who you have like committed yourself to and complain about the fact that they disagree with you. That's so that's such a childish thing to do, especially running away to the person whom the conversation is about in the first place, who is then very obviously going to then use that against you and turn you against your partner even more, which was what the conversation was about in the first place. If you are willing to run away from your wife and your children when you get called out, I just don't think I don't think you're suitable to be in an adult relationship.

[00:28:13]If you are dealing with a relationship like this, it's just going to be so much easier to like let it go because you do deserve someone who actually listens to you and is like willing to prioritize you and stand up for you and like set boundaries and not allow them to be crossed.

[00:28:33]Because that's the other issue too, right? is that there are boundaries and their mothers are crossing those boundaries and their sons just like let them get away with it and invalidate the feelings of their wives who are upset that their boundaries are being crossed and these men are just there like but it makes her happy and I want her to be happy. You should also want your partner to be happy. That should be that should be a priority.

[00:28:57]Boundaries are a priority. What your mother wants is not the priority. What your partner needs is needs always come ahead of wants. And I know your mother has spent your entire life telling you that her wants are her needs and she needs her wants, but she doesn't. A place where this dynamic is very prevalent and put on display for everyone to see where mothers are overstepping and not respecting boundaries and sons are standing back twiddling their thumbs like, "But I just want mom to be happy. I don't care who it hurts. I'm just in this like really uncomfortable position where my wife and my mom are fighting and I don't like it and I want everyone to get along. So, I'm just going to stand back and not say anything, but like mostly side with my mother. A place where that is really put on display is the TLC show called I Love a Mama's Boy, which is truly something.

[00:29:55]I watched a bunch of clips of this on YouTube because I couldn't find the full episodes. Um, so I watched just a bunch of different like cuts from this show and oh my god, I was just sitting there like this is the most infuriating [ __ ] I've ever seen in my life. And I know that it's TV so this stuff does get played up. I understand that this is exaggeration. However, based on the Facebook posts that I read, the Reddit posts that I read, and also the comments on these videos, regardless of whether these situations are blown out of proportion at all, this [ __ ] does happen. These are real things that real people do experience, whether it is the people on the show or not, I don't know.

[00:30:44]But there were a lot of people who were like, "Yep, this happened to me." So, I'm going to talk about it like it's real because it is real. [laughter] >> Britney says she works at a dental office and I just want to make sure that she really does. I need to know what Matt's getting into. This woman went to the workplace of her son's fiance to make sure she really worked there because she has trust issues because of her son's past relationships.

[00:31:17]>> Matt's having a lot of trust issues because of his past relationship.

[00:31:23]And um I am too.

[00:31:26]>> And like ma'am, [clears throat] you have no reason to be inserting yourself into this relationship at all.

[00:31:32]This is not your relationship. You can like want your son to be in a happy, healthy relationship. You can care about the relationships that he's in obviously, but you are not the one who [clears throat] has trust issues. You are not the one who should be left with trust issues. That is not your place to insert yourself to go and like feel her out and check that she's like right for your son and isn't like lying and going behind his like that is not your place to be doing that. It's also so insulting in so many ways, right? Like, not only is it incredibly intrusive and like stalker behavior to go and like find the workplace of a of a woman and make sure she's not lying about who she is.

[00:32:12]>> I don't even know how she found out what office I work at. But it's also incredibly insulting to your son to like imply that he's just so easily lied to and he himself hasn't like, you know, asked her about her work and he doesn't know anything about what she does or who she is. And so like you are just insulting his intelligence and her integrity and inserting yourself into a relationship that frankly does not concern you. She then goes on to refer to her son as a prize, saying that he's like a prize on a fair game.

[00:32:47]>> I think about winning a great big prize at the fair. You'd do anything for it.

[00:32:52]>> Which is a [ __ ] astounding thing to say and I really think says a lot. Um, firstly, I would like to say that she says, "I'm a prize, too." Which go off, girly. Love that. Love that you were standing up for yourself.

[00:33:06]>> I'm a prize, too.

[00:33:09]The fact she refers to their relationship as a fair game and her son as a prize says so much about the relationship and the entire issue. And that is that she views relationships as a game which relationships are not a game. [laughter] You shouldn't view relationships as a game, right? And also your son is a person. He is not something to be won.

[00:33:33]He is not a prize. He is not something to be won. He is not something that you own. He is not some shiny thing that you worked hard for and now you have. You've overcome all these obstacles and now you have him and you own him. He's a person.

[00:33:45]He's a person. He doesn't belong to anyone. He's not owned by anyone. He's not a prize. He is a human being. And also his love and affection and time does not belong to any one person either that is to be shared, right? He can like love you and spend time with you and also love his wife and spend time with his wife. That's how it should be. They should be in different ways. Obviously, you should not want the same type of love and relationship that he has with his wife. You shouldn't want that. It's going to be different, but it is going to be shared and you should want that for him. And the fact that you're making it difficult for him to have other relationships shows that you don't actually care about his happiness and instead are just really selfish and want to hurt him while telling him you love him. This whole conversation uh continues on for a little bit and I really do respect this woman, the fiance. Um she stands up for herself and she says, "I like to be a priority in my relationships.

[00:34:46]>> I [music] like to be a priority in relationships.

[00:34:48]I expect the same effort and respect I give to him back [music] as well as from you." And I'm really glad that she does put her foot down and say this and like this whole thing of being like if you know my fiance does not prioritize me and puts his mother first then I will walk away like I'm not going to tolerate this [ __ ] And that is great. That is how it should be. But I think that's like the biggest problem that this woman has, right? Like I feel the wives these women want their sons to have, the only ones they are mildly okay with are the ones who are like very submissive and will just kind of go along with everything and will like effectively like worship their sons and do whatever their sons say. They want the wives of their sons to be people that they can control. That's where this whole issue is here is that like this woman is standing up for herself. This woman is setting boundaries. And so this mother very much is going to have this moment of being like kind of my son learning to set boundaries. [laughter] If this woman is saying no to me, she's going to tell my son he's allowed to say no to me. And I don't want my son to ever say no to me. It turns into a like one day she's worried that one day her son will like enforce a boundary.

[00:36:10]She's worried that one day her son will see through the fact that she is just manipulating him and doesn't let him have boundaries because she's never crossed one of his boundaries before.

[00:36:20]But that's just because he's never set boundaries. He's never had boundaries.

[00:36:24]He's never really been told he can set boundaries. And so now he's with someone who very much does have boundaries and will set those and will be firm about them. And this woman doesn't like that.

[00:36:37]She sees that as a threat. And so she's going to attack her and she is going to try to turn her son against her. She's going to try to separate them because her happiness is what's important. It doesn't matter if she ruins a relationship that her son is in. It doesn't matter if she hurts this woman.

[00:36:54]It doesn't matter the consequences as long as she still gets to control her son and like dictate what he does and where his affection goes. And it's so [ __ ] sad. It makes me so sad and so angry. Another one of these that I watched that made me like [laughter] just like lose my mind a little bit. Um, I actually think I uploaded a live reaction to this onto Patreon if you are interested in watching me watch this episode. Have you asked your girlfriend, partner, wife, fiancé? I'm just innocent middleman.

[00:37:34]Please figure it out. I love you both and I just want everyone to be h [ __ ] you, man. Basically, what's happening here is that this couple is renovating a house. They are they they're doing it up. They're renovating it. They've just bought it and this man is in there by himself on this day and the contractor is there and he says that he can't live without his mother so they need to expand the house to make room. I realized that not having space in the house for my mom is not going to happen because I don't think I could live without my mom. So, I called the designer to make sure we could make the necessary changes >> and is telling this to the contractor and uh his wife isn't there for this conversation. I was watching this like did you did you inform your wife that this is something that's happening? Did you tell her that you were going to ask to spend thousands more dollars to create a room for your mother in your house? But then uh my question was answered very quickly when he said that he was going to tell his partner and his mother at the same time.

[00:38:37]>> They're both coming to the house today to see what's going on. No, might kill me, but I'm hoping that when I get done with telling her, it's not as bad as I think it's going to be.

[00:38:46]>> And this is so [ __ ] cowardly. This is such a coward [ __ ] move. Not telling your wife and then instead waiting until your mother is there so you've backed your wife into a corner is so [ __ ] up.

[00:39:03]That is so cruel to do because it's either right this position of this man does not want his mother living with him. He doesn't want the room in the house for his mother, but he also doesn't want to disappoint her. He doesn't want to let her down. He doesn't want to set the boundary. So she he's bringing in his partner so she can be the bad guy so that she can be like, "No, we're not doing that. No, absolutely not." And then she is the villain. And then this woman can go on being like, "I hate my daughter-in-law.

[00:39:33]She is poisoning my son against me.

[00:39:36]She's not good for him. I hate [snorts] her. my son is miser. Like, it's continuing this narrative and just fueling this hatred that she has for his son's wife, which also means, you know, her dislike for her son being happy, but you know, why would she care about that?

[00:39:52]Or alternatively, it's that he wants this, which it seems like he does, and now it's two against one. And now it's easier to gaslight his wife into thinking she is overreacting, into thinking that, you know, this is a bad decision. It's two against one. So suddenly we're in a position where it's like, "No, this is a good idea. You're outnumbered. This is what we're doing and your feelings aren't valid and we can do this and it's okay." I think Josh didn't consult me because he knew how against it I would be.

[00:40:23]>> He told me, "Make myself at home, make myself comfortable, tell him what I need, and I'm just really getting tired."

[00:40:30]>> No, this is not what we need. THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED.

[00:40:33]>> What is yours is mine. I >> came first.

[00:40:39]>> I mean, this is ridiculous. You're fighting in front of Michelle. Janelle is really off base because she's going to ruin relationships, not only with me, but Josh is, you know, getting very upset.

[00:40:50]>> It's so manipulative and it's just like these are big decisions. This is something that you have to talk to your wife about. The weirdest thing about this, I think, is just the fact that like it's fine to have an extra room, right? Like having a guest room in a house is a totally normal thing to do.

[00:41:09]Like that is so valid to want to have a guest room. But like to be specifically like I need an extra room in our house for my mother. My mother is getting a room in our house. We're making a room and also we're going to put a kitchen in there as well. And uh it's going to be her space. She needs a room in my house because I can't imagine living without her. Okay. Now imagine living without your wife because that is where we are headed. That [laughter] is where we are headed right now. How about in the primary bedroom? You and Josh could sleep there and I won't even freaking live here.

[00:41:40]>> It's fine to have a guest room that your mother can stay like stay in when she visits. Not just a room in your house for her to live in, especially when this isn't something that you've had a conversation about. You can't just throw this at someone. You can't just be like, "Yes, my mother whom is constantly insulting you and constantly making you feel uncomfortable and constantly antagonizing you. She is going to live in our house and we're going to spend thousands of dollars to make that happen. No. No. You need to learn how to live independently from her. But once again, this falls into the the the thing of like this mother will not want her son to have space from her. She wants to continue living with him because as soon as there is space, there is room to reflect. As soon as he is alone and it's just him and his wife, there is room to learn and grow and reflect and set boundaries. And she doesn't want that.

[00:42:31]So she is going to continue to insert herself and make herself be a part of this relationship and drive a wedge between them so she is still the priority and doesn't give him the space to recognize what's going on. And this is the part where I sympathize a bit with these men, right? Because it's really difficult. It's really [ __ ] hard. I am someone who has spent a lot of my life being put in the position of middleman. I am someone who has spent a lot of my life saying things that I don't necessarily agree with or going along with things that I don't necessarily agree with or defending the wrong people or whatever in order to keep the peace because that is something that I was sort of taught to do, right?

[00:43:13]I've I've been in situations sort of like this that I've felt so uncomfortable and so upset and not knowing what to do and it gives me such severe anxiety and so I can like sympathize with these situations and also recognize at the same time that that doesn't make it okay, right? Like I understand why these situations might be difficult and why it might be difficult to stand up to their mothers and why it might be difficult to you know defend their partners or prioritize them in these ways because of how they've been raised and because they have been emotionally manipulated and they have been groomed by their mothers. And that's a difficult thing to break away from. And so I get it, but it doesn't make it okay and it doesn't mean these women have to tolerate that. And there has to come a point where you listen.

[00:44:04][laughter] There has to come a point where like if you are being told something by your partner and they are telling you that you are upsetting them or that you are crossing boundaries or that they have a boundary and you are letting that be overstepped. If you are doing that and you are never listening to your partner, there's a point where it becomes a choice. And the consequence of continuing to make that choice and neglecting to look at it from an alternate angle is that you are going to lose people. you're going to lose relationship. If you are afraid to set a boundary and tell your mother no, if that like makes you afraid, if you are worried that saying no or setting a boundary is going to have repercussions, then that inherently should tell you that something is wrong. Right? If you are renovating a house for you and your wife and you think if I don't add a room for my mother, she is going to be upset.

[00:44:59]She is going to fight back. She is going to give me the silent treatment. She is going to yell at me. She's going to be sad. She's going to cut me off. She's going If you have the thought for any of those things, there is a problem that needs to be faced. If there is going to be consequences for setting a boundary, the relationship is not good and it needs work. And you have to set boundaries and you have to like teach them that those boundaries are hard. And if they punish you for that, then that is on them. and the relationship was not good for you. These mothers are poisoning these relationships. They are poisoning the happiness of their sons.

[00:45:36]They are making it so it is impossible for them to even really have their own identities because their identities are so inshed with the identities of their mother. Their identities are just them trying to be who their mothers want them to be and battling with that. getting married and having these like partners and wanting their partners to get along with their mothers because their mothers are like a part of who they are. And so it's creates this I can imagine so much stress and anxiety around these relationships when you want everyone to be happy but you don't know how to do it because you also don't want to hurt anyone. That's a difficult position to be in. It isn't always the case though of you know the need for feeling sympathy in these ways. It's not always the case that they don't want to upset anyone and they are just trying to play the middleman and they are being torn because of this like emotional manipulation and like identity crisis.

[00:46:28]But also alternatively there is the side where it is just these men who feel as though they deserve the world and they don't have to give anything back. They have been taught by their mothers their entire lives that like they should just get and get and get and they never have to give. And as soon as their partners ask for something, they feel like they're being asked for too much. They have been taught that like they are more important than women are. They have been taught that they deserve things and that things will be given to them and things will be done for them, that women cook for them and clean for them and look after them and that they deserve all of that and they don't have to give anything back. And as soon as you know these women ask for something back, as soon as these women do anything that they don't like, suddenly they're like, "Hold on a minute. My mother would never ask me to do things. My mother told me I deserve things." And then they run away because their moms let them get away with everything. Their moms will always treat them like they're perfect and tell them that they're perfect. And they will validate them even when they're wrong.

[00:47:34]They can go and complain to their mothers about their partners and talk about how horrible their partners are and their partners did something that made them so upset. When the thing that upset them was a boundary being set.

[00:47:45]When the thing that upset them was something that was like actually important and needed, you know, a conversation and is not something you should run away from. They just don't like being called out. And so they go and they cry and complain and they know that no matter what their mothers are going to be like, "Oh, you're in the right, honey. You're the best. you're always right. I love you. She's just being mean and she she's not good enough for you, but I'm here and I love you.

[00:48:10]And it's so [ __ ] up because that also ruins so many relationships, right? It's like not allowing these men to ever learn anything. It means that they are lacking in empathy. It means they are going to be not good fathers, not good partners. They're never going to have worthwhile relationships because they won't tolerate any individuality. They will be taking advantage of people. They are like potential like abusers and manipulators. They make bad partners, bad fathers, bad friends. And this works for both types of inshment, [snorts] but in different ways. And it's just ultimately causing so much harm to so many people. And these mothers, these women just like do not care. And it's so normalized as well. It's like such a big joke in the media. Like you see this [ __ ] all the time in TV and in movies and in books and you see all these Tik Toks being made. They get so many likes and being like lol relatable. No.

[00:49:19][laughter] Don't tolerate it. Don't put up with it.

[00:49:23]Right? You can understand where someone is coming from and why they are the way they are and why they are acting the way that they are acting. But that does not make it okay. You do not have to put up with someone's [ __ ] just because you feel bad for them. I spent a long time tolerating a lot of [ __ ] [ __ ] because the person who was being horrible had been through a lot and I shouldn't have done that. It's you can stand up to people who have been hurt. You can leave people who have been hurt. You can leave people who you feel bad for. Sometimes you have to prioritize yourself and that's okay.

[00:50:00]This has been uh toxic boy moms when their sons are adults and how it [ __ ] ruins relationships and how they don't actually want their sons to be happy.

[00:50:10]They just want to be in control. So yeah. Uh I hope you enjoyed. I yapped a lot and I had a script and did I follow it? What do you think? No, of course not. Don't forget to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don't miss my video on imshment that will be coming soon. I am looking forward to diving into that a little bit more. I hope that you enjoyed the video. A huge huge thank you to my Kiwi Cat patrons. Eden, Amelia, Rain Remaining, Mossy Moose, Bingo Bango, Who Ate My Mango, Kium, Bug Loves Cats, Cojo The Bees, Tess, Bri, Chity, Beckett, Prismatic Pey, Sushi Kawaii, Phil the Duck, River, Queen Glimmer, Ella, Mr. Noodle, Radac, Knitting Menace, Chris, Ellie, Ikazel, Alexis, and Naa. I love and appreciate you so so much. Thank you so much for joining. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. Stay safe. Keep fighting. I love you.

[00:51:04][music] You replace the [music and singing] monsters with fairies. You replace with love. [music]