asian masculinity

[00:00:00]All right, welcome back everyone to another episode of Minecraft Therapy.

[00:00:07]Today I want to talk to y'all about Asian masculinity.

[00:00:13]Very hot topic, I guess, but uh to start I want to explain like how I kind of got thinking about this. So recently uh I've been looking for a job and I got rejected from not a job but like a job adjacent thing and this rejection brought up a lot of uh primal feelings within me of like rejection and you know sadness and anger and just not feeling accepted by society. And I'm like, "Wow, this is just like another another drop in the bucket of of never [snorts] ever being accepted by society." You know, it it became a symbol for like a larger a larger like uh theme, I guess. I feel like I've been like uh dealing with throughout my life, which is maybe unfair to like push onto one single rejection. But anyway, got rejected from this from this job adjacent tech thing. And it got me thinking cuz like I keep seeing all these glib white dudes from my college get crazy good tech jobs. And you know, it's never been easy for me it feels like to get a tech job. I never got a big tech internship. I never got a big tech internship. I got reject I I I was [ __ ] swimming in rejections uh during during my last year in college when I was applying to jobs and like you know the conclusion that it's hard for me to not draw from all this experiential evidence which I admit is very anecdotal like I don't know all white people I don't know all Asian men I'm just one Asian man comparing my singular experience against like the experience that I see of like probably very specifically cherrypicked white people. So it's like I know that uh you know this is this is not a a research paper level cross longitudinal you know uh independent variable controlled study but like you know the the conclusion that it's hard for me to not draw from from just seeing all these white people get tech jobs is that either I am a bad coder or I'm not getting this these jobs because I am I am a [ __ ] Asian male. I'm not like a white guy. I guess like a secondary conclusion that I'm kind of realizing talking aloud is that um you know I I'm like it I'm like an Asian guy, so it's like very uh specific, you know, I'm I'm like extrapolating my Asian experience to like all Asian men. Maybe other Asian men in the comments will be like, "Oh, bro, you you you just s you just must suck ass because this [ __ ] is easy for me, bro. I I'm just swimming in sweet in sweet offers." But uh yeah, like you know, like I said, just from my experience where like I'm Asian, I get rejected from everything and then I see a bunch of white people getting tech jobs. Uh it's it's hard for me to not be like, "Oh, it's because I'm Asian." I guess it's like I also see Asian people getting tech jobs, but like I don't know. It it from my from my like viewpoint it doesn't seem like easy for them either. But I guess that I honestly that's me just like bullshitting cuz I don't know that for sure. I don't know that it's easy for white people. So, I guess I'm just extrapolating my difficulty as an Asian man to get a tech job to all Asian men, which like I said, maybe if you're an Asian man, you'll leave a comment being like, "Bro, is it's just you, bro." But but anyway, it's like anyway, like like I said, the the two conclusions that I'm drawing is that like either I'm a bad coder or like it's it's something like deficient, some like, you know, some intangible thing that's deficient with me. And you know, I I could just be totally egotistical thinking I'm not a bad coder, but I genuinely I don't think I'm a bad coder. You know what I mean? Like I feel like I know how to code. I I have experience with that [ __ ] I feel like if you hire me, I will make money for your company. I guess this is also serving as my freaking LinkedIn profile in a Minecraft therapy video in case anyone wants to hire me.

[00:04:59]But anyway, it's like um yeah, I don't know. It I feel like, like I said, I feel like it's not because I'm a bad coder. I feel like it's because I don't present as a confident white male in an interview. I present as an insecure Asian male. And I feel like, you know, when people see an insecure Asian male in an interview, they're like, "Fuck this guy." for all for all the reasons you can imagine. They're like, you know, this guy won't speak up. He won't contribute like [ __ ] leadership or whatever. This guy is basically just like another another another Asian code monkey of which we already have like [ __ ] 5,000 of in the in the tech industry. We don't need another one. So yeah, I I just want to kind of explore that feeling because like like I said, these feelings of rejection that I feel for being an Asian male, it's not just like for for you know, it's not just limited to my career. It's um it's something I feel like I've been wrestling with my whole life. And like I said, like a lot of these emotions are like very primal emotions that were recently triggered in me. I don't even necessarily know that I believe, [snorts] you know, the the feelings that I feel instinctually because like I said, a a lot of these feelings come from like a place deep within me that may not necessarily be supported by like peer-reviewed evidence. You know what I mean? So I I that's just something I would like to explore in this video. the feelings I have of being an Asian male and and just, you know, just just just and maybe and maybe by the end I will understand myself better. I'll understand my relationship to the world better. Who knows? Or maybe I'll just [ __ ] [ __ ] rant for 40 minutes and be more confused than I started. Who knows? Um, yeah. Before I start, I feel like I would also like to say that I feel like whenever uh an Asian male starts complaining about being an Asian male, uh there a lot of people like to start saying things like, "You're an incel.

[00:07:25]You're a misogynist. You're racist. You you are you're like a bitter man. Shut the [ __ ] up. You're not an ally. Uh you bitch." uh stop being racist, sexist, and uh and uh and hating women, which is not at all what I'm trying to say.

[00:07:46]That's a whole new sentence. You know what I mean? Like I feel like Asian men uh we're not allowed to complain really about being Asian men or like if we do like I said there's like all these like negative stereotypes associated with our complaining where people assume that like we have we have ill intentions with our complaining when really I'm just trying to like work out my experience.

[00:08:12]You know what I mean? and like sort through my feelings because I feel like the alternative is like letting all these bad feelings fester inside me and grow into resentment and and just not good [ __ ] So, I would just like to say like everything I'm saying it's like coming from my experience as an Asian male. You know what I mean? I don't claim to know what it's like to be a white male or a white woman or an Asian woman or a black male or a black woman or just any other race or or or I'm not and I'm also not trying to like have the uh oppression Olympics, you know what I mean? Where it's like I'm like, "Oh, my plight is worse than everyone else's plight." I would just like to uh talk about my feelings if if that's all right with you guys. You know, I for some reason like uh one time like I was talking with one of my friends and one of a friend of a friend and like separately they asked me like they knew about my YouTube channel and they asked me like, "Oh, do you make incel content?" And it's like I don't even know what that means, bro. I I don't talk I I I I basically never talk about women on this channel. I basically never talk about sex. I definitely don't talk about demanding sex from women like is owed to me. I don't know where this like assumption comes that like I make incel content. You know what I mean? And and and then like the the conclusion I draw is that like oh it's because I'm an Asian man who talks about my feelings and like because there's so many negative stereotypes associated with that, people just assume that I'm an insult. You know what I mean? So that that's why I feel the need to save this very long disclaimer. But um I'm not I'm not trying to be [ __ ] sexist or misogynist. If I if it comes across that way, I apologize. I'm a human being trying to work out some some some emotions that that are deep within my soul that maybe have been percolating within me for generations. And not even just within me, within like my bloodline, within like my [ __ ] culture, place in society for for like hundreds of years, who knows? But uh yeah, I I just want to talk about that.

[00:10:32]So, like I said, I guess we'll we'll just go back to uh why that rejection from that job adjacent thing made me feel all these feelings. I feel like it's like because when like when when during an interview I I don't know like I had the interview it felt fine and then I got rejected.

[00:10:56]Obviously there's like a trillion billion reasons I could have been rejected that are like that are like not because I'm Asian. You know what I mean?

[00:11:05]So, I feel like that's um that is that is something for me to wrestle with. Like I said, like it could just be that I am so egotistical that like I can't accept that like maybe I'm not I'm not as awesome as I think. And and like I guess like objectively I know that like one rejection it doesn't like mean anything about my Asianhood. You know what I I guess I'm saying that like this one rejection made me connected to like a lifetime of like feeling rejected for my Asianhood, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. And like that is what maybe I am trying to work out. So maybe maybe the the singular rejection I received recently truly is not like indicative, but but it just like like I said, it it dug up all these feelings within me. Anyway, to continue, um, I just I just get the sense like during my interviews that like if I said the exact same things I was saying, but like just said it, but the words were coming from like the shell of a confident white man, then I would I would be given like a lot more benefit of the doubt and like be going further ahead. And I'm sure honestly as I say this out loud, I'm sure that like women everywhere watching this video are like, "Yeah, no [ __ ] bro. Welcome to the welcome to like what women have been dealing with since the [ __ ] dawn of mankind." You know what I mean? Or the dawn of humankind if we're not going to be uh gendered with our with our kind statements. But um you know like I I just I I I just feel like throughout my life it's like I and I guess this this is kind of like you know it this is kind of connecting to the larger feelings I have in life and not just specifically to this one rejection I had recently which like I said could could not be because I'm Asian. It's just one anecdote. Like the feeling I have throughout my life is that like people look at me, they they the first thing they see when they look at me is that like I'm an Asian man because like my face is [ __ ] Asian.

[00:13:22]You know what I mean? And like they see that I'm an Asian man. And like as soon as they see that, there's like a trillion assumptions that they make about me. None of which I consent to and none of which like I feel are good. Like I feel like when people see an Asian man, the immediate assumptions that are made are that we're like quiet, we're smart, we have no personality, we're just like generic, quiet, shy Asian men who like STEM. And like, you know, there's like a sub there's like a subsection of of all that where like we're emasculated, which I maybe will go into later, but like, you know, we're not like as manly as like the other men.

[00:14:03]And I feel like all whenever people see me before before they know me, before I say anything, those are the assumptions that are made about me. Like I said, I realize as I'm saying this out loud, this is like probably the [ __ ] experience women have like all the time.

[00:14:18]like you know like I'm sure that women would be like yeah as soon as a man sees a woman they make a bunch of sexist assump like you know some women will or some men will make a bunch of sexist assumptions about women uh a lot of which are are are just sexist assumptions. You know what I mean? So, I'm realizing that uh maybe this Asian masculinity thing is like not a unique not a unique struggle or like the experience is not a unique struggle. But like I said, I uh I'm not trying to turn this into a personal Olympics. So, uh let's let's acknowledge that uh my struggle is not unique, which probably every human being has realized throughout history, and and move on. Um yeah, I don't know. I just feel like, you know, in in college, like whenever people would see me, they would just see I'm an Asian man. And then it's because like I don't look like uh Joey Ross or Chandler. People are just like assumed that like I am not like an interesting person. I'm like, you know, I I'm like another quiet, nerdy Asian man. This guy is not wacky.

[00:15:32]We're not going to have quirky adventures with this guy. So, [ __ ] this guy. I don't want to be friends with this guy. And and honestly, I I'll admit that like I I do like I do like um have a lot of stereotypical Asian male qualities, I guess. Like I am like introverted. I I am I do have a [ __ ] computer science degree. You know what I mean? I I I do I do like fit a lot of stereotypes of Asian men. But I guess like what I'm saying is that like, you know, I'm saying that um even though those things can be true, I don't know.

[00:16:08]I feel like the most damaging stereotype us Asian men get is that like we have no personality, which like um you know, I I I like admittedly I could get it, right? If if you're, you know, in white America where like we we we place like a big like like extrovertedness is like valorized and like and like and like um you know sort of introverted qualities are like are like less desirable. I could understand why like people assume that.

[00:16:49]I guess it's like, you know, it it just like I said, it just instills this feeling within me of like feeling rejected throughout my life before I've even like been given a fair shot. And like that breeds a lot of resentment within me honestly and and and like that might be unfair, right? Because like a maybe like people may like I'm assuming that's like the feeling. Those are like the assumptions people make about me. I haven't like surveyed everyone who's ever seen my face and asked them, "Are those the assumptions you made about me?" You know what I mean? So, so like um like I said, all of this is anecdotal. I could just be maybe the feelings of rejection I'm feeling are have more to do with like my self-esteem and like my my personal relationship with like my Asian identity and like and like overcoming my own like self-esteem issues more than it has to do with like needing validation from everyone else.

[00:17:55]You know what I mean? But I guess I'm saying that like um I don't know like I'm a human being who has to exist in society, right? So like like just through my navigation of society, I guess America specifically, like I I guess like you know obviously if I lived in [ __ ] China, I probably wouldn't have all these negative feelings about my Asian identity because I would be like feeling part of the majority. But then also, I guess if you are a white person in China, you might feel some you you might be making a maybe maybe there's a white introverted baddness in China who's like on [ __ ] WeChat complaining about white identity and and how uh people just look at them in China and assume and assume they must be extroverted and uh and uh [ __ ] you know love uh Tik Tok or something. I don't know. But um yeah, like like I'm a human being. I have to exist in society and it's like, you know, I can like have my own feelings about Asian identity, but it's like trying to exist in the world. It's hard for like the pressures and assumptions and just like feedback I get from the world not to like feed into my own self-perception. You know what I mean? Cuz like I guess like like what does my Asian identity mean to me? Like honestly being Asian to me doesn't mean like a whole lot to me. You know what I mean? Like obviously I'm I'm proud to be Asian like I'm not like oh you know I don't want this video to come across as like I wish I was a white person. I'm very happy to be Asian. I'm very happy I'm me, you know. Um, but like I don't feel like my Asian identity has like a strong influence on like my personality or my identity in the same way that like for example uh the fact that I'm a man does. You know what I mean? Because like as a man I do feel like sometimes there's like personality traits where I realize like oh this is this [ __ ] is because like I'm a man.

[00:20:06]Like sometimes I'll feel like [ __ ] so angry and I'm like I'm I think this is because of like this this has to do with like my masculinity and like the testosterone and like some like primal feeling within me that like I can't necessarily like turn off. You know what I mean? [snorts] Or like when I feel like this [ __ ] depressed darkness within me, I'm like I feel like this is somehow connected to like my Y chromosome. You know what I mean? Like I feel like there are some [snorts] feelings within me that are truly like biologically like some parts of my personality are like truly biologically connected to to the fact that I'm a man.

[00:20:45]You know what I mean? The masculine urge to [ __ ] crash out on someone and and have road rage. You know what I mean?

[00:20:52]Like when I have road rage, I'm like this [ __ ] this [ __ ] is because I'm a man. You know what I mean? I need to [ __ ] work on this [ __ ] I don't necessarily feel that same like biological impulse as like an Asian man.

[00:21:03]You know what I mean? Like when I'm introverted, I'm not like, "Oh, this is because I'm Asian." You know what I mean? In the same way that like when I'm angry, I'm like, "Oh, this [ __ ] is cuz I'm a man." When I'm when I'm introverted, I'm just like, "Oh, this [ __ ] is just because like I'm an introverted person." You know what I mean? And like I feel like if you know in the hypothetical world where I was like born like as a different race but like kept my soul or whatever, I feel like I would not I I would still be introverted. You know what I mean? when like I guess like I'm saying if I was born as a woman but kept my soul certain aspects of my personality I feel like would genuinely come from like some feminine some feminine part of my soul that I guess that makes me a female. I guess now I'm talking a little too like getting into the male female divide and maybe um trans people will get upset at me for what I just said because maybe that's like uh not transfriendly. I will just say I guess since I said that trans people I support you guys. I I'm an ally of trans people. Anyway, to continue. Um yeah, like I don't necessarily feel I don't necessarily feel that like Asian my personality is because I'm an Asian.

[00:22:17]You know what I mean? I like I don't feel like I I like I don't feel like I have a computer science degree because I'm Asian. I don't feel like, you know, I'm introverted because I'm Asian. I don't feel like, you know, my personality is influenced by the fact that I'm Asian. Now, of course, maybe culturally, you know, because of my parents and the culture I was raised in, sure, maybe that influenced me more to like be uh to to major in computer science than if I was like culturally born into a different culture. But uh you know I feel like that is separate than um like my true self identity and like the the parts of my soul that that's derivative from. I don't feel like my soul is derivative from the fact that I'm Asian. Basically, being Asian feels more of like Yeah. more of like a cultural, societal, external thing where like I feel like the the main influences on my personality from being Asian is that like I was raised by my parents and in a culture to highly value like like politeness and like avoiding conflict basically like u and like being considerate, you know what I mean? Not to say that other cultures don't value that, but like I that that's an aspect of my personality where I do feel like being Asian has influenced me in that way, but I don't necessarily feel that like that is inherent in me in the same way that like my [ __ ] masculine anger was just like [ __ ] given to me at birth. You know what I mean? Um, so yeah, like to me being Asian doesn't like mean it it's not that it doesn't mean a lot to me. Like it means, you know, like I said, it's a part of who I am and my identity. And like I appreciate the fact that I was raised with, you know, what might what some might consider to be certain Asian values. I appreciate the fact that I have I have access to tons of awesome Chinese food, but I don't feel like um you know, I don't I don't wake up and be like I'm Asian today in the same way that I wake up and like there'll there'll just be like little events throughout the day that like remind me that like that like I'm a man. That's you know what I mean? Um, so yeah, but but all that being said, like I guess I'm saying that like my self identity doesn't heavily rely on the fact that I'm Asian. However, like like I said, when when I feel like the way I exist in society, one of the one of the top ways people identify me is through my through my Asian face. You know what I mean? And like I guess that causes some dissonance because like I'm like, you know, like I said, I don't necessarily think of myself as an Asian man, but people do think of me or or I guess I don't necessarily think of myself as like an Asian. Do you know what I mean?

[00:25:20]But people do think of me as Asian. I guess like a way to think about it is that like um I don't know like like for example I went to Stanford right and like I don't wake up every day thinking to myself I went to Stanford you know what I mean like that's that's not a lens through which I uh oh sorry that was I played I pressed the wrong button I switched to my bread and I started playing music but um yeah I don't necessarily identify as like a Stanford person but Of course, people might see me and I and think of me as like, "Oh, that's a Stanford person."

[00:25:57]You know what I mean? Especially on YouTube where like I [ __ ] built my brand around hating Stanford. But, uh, you know, it that can cause some dissonance for sure for where like, you know, people might come up to me and be like, "Oh, you went to Stanford. What's Stanford like? How do you like Stanford?

[00:26:11]Are like what are your thoughts on Stanford?" And I'm like, "Bro, I I don't I don't think about Stanford really, bro." You know what I mean? So, it's like I guess the same thing can connect to my Asian identity where it's like people I feel like people see me as an as an Asian. Like I said, I don't necessarily know if that's true.

[00:26:31]Certainly from my experience of life where just like I feel like people people just like people like Okay, there's like two separate threads I'm trying to go down, but let me finish this thread before I continue. What was I saying? Yeah, like I don't necessarily feel like I'm Asian, but people see like see that I'm Asian. And I guess like I should give some evidence of like why I feel like people perceive me so much as being Asian. Like I don't know. I just feel like I like I see like I have friends who are not Asian and just like the way people approach them and talk to them. I feel like they are given like a benefit of the doubt that is like that is like not given to me as an Asian man. You know what I mean? Like for example, I have this like I have this white friend.

[00:27:25]Shout out anonymous white friend. I'm not going to reveal to you who you are because you might not consent to me talking about you in this way, but like I have a white friend who like [ __ ] I don't know what it is. Maybe he's maybe he's just got aura, but like people just approach him and like talk to him and and are like generally very friendly to him. And I feel like I just like throughout my life I see that happening to like white people, you know what I mean? like the people they're approached more and like and like that [ __ ] like I don't see that [ __ ] happening to me. You know what I mean? So the I'm like what could it be? What could it be? You know what I mean? I it's like obviously like obviously like I'm I'm I'm like I'm talking in a way where it's like welcome to the real world buddy. Like you people no [ __ ] people like, you know, use like very uh shallow judgments to determine whether or not they should approach other people. You know what I mean? Like if you're attractive, you're probably more likely to be approached than like someone who's conventionally unattractive. You know what I mean? If you're like uh if you're [ __ ] uh overweight, you're probably less likely to be approached than someone who's, you know, conventionally uh normal weight. Once again, no offense to all my overweight homies. I love you guys. But but you know what I mean. I'm saying basically like I'm complaining about like, oh, as an Asian man that affects like how people perceive me.

[00:28:56]Like no [ __ ] bro. Welcome to the real world. But I guess I'm just saying um like I said, all this feeling, all this experience, I kind of accept that like it's like coming from like a primal place within me that isn't necessarily like justified or fair for me to like feel resentment towards like society or the world for like you know these things.

[00:29:21]And like I said, I'm not I'm not trying to be Please don't [ __ ] extrapolate what I'm saying and be like [ __ ] women are obligated to approach me. You know what I mean? That's not what I'm [ __ ] saying. I'm just saying I notice I'm noticing certain differences as my in my experience as an Asian man. And like part of me wonders if like I was born as a white man, maybe I wouldn't be [ __ ] dealing with like all this [ __ ] like all this [ __ ] struggle to fit in in society. You know what I mean? And like that is that is kind of what I'm struggling with, I guess. Yeah. I guess the ultimate struggle is like the the the kind of like question if we get down to brass tax that that you know to ask is like would I rather be born a white man than an Asian man? You know what I mean? And the answer is no. I'm perfectly content being an Asian man with all the like, you know, debuffs that that might uh give me in in society and and like how that other people may choose to perceive me like that. Like I'm happy being born the way I am. I'm happy with my face. I I wouldn't, you know, like I wouldn't change anything.

[00:30:37]And it's not because, like I said, that I feel like it's not because like I feel like it's because like um Asianness is a is an inextric inextricable part of my identity or anything or it's like I think Asian pe I don't I it's not like I think like Asian men are are like the [ __ ] superior race, you know what I mean? Or something. It's just because like I'm happy with my life. I I guess like my philosophy on that is just that like some things like I don't necessarily believe in destiny but like I guess it's like I don't know maybe I do believe in destiny. You know what I mean? Like I believe that I was born as who I am for a reason. And like I'm me and like if I wasn't me, like I like me and if I wasn't me, then I wouldn't the me that I like wouldn't exist. You know what I mean? And like um I like the fact that I I like me. I like that I exist. So because of that, I'm just content with who I am. And I wouldn't change it. You know what I mean? Cuz like I feel like that's like, you know, I I am but a [ __ ] I am but I am but brief cosmic dust that's been united into a conscious in the universe. And like who am I to say that like I wish I was different.

[00:32:00]You know what I mean? Like I am just me.

[00:32:02]I'm just me and I'm grateful to be me and like I'm happy to be me and like uh I'm trying to like think about why I think I'm trying to think about like why I'm happy to be me. And I guess I can't even come up with a reason. Maybe that's just part of me too is that I'm happy with being me. And if I was born as a different me, I wouldn't be happy with being me. And I think liking me.

[00:32:25]So maybe that's just part of part of my DNA to like me. But um yeah, I wouldn't I wouldn't rather be a different race or gender or sex. Um I'm happy with who I am. So So why so why do I struggle with um this Asian identity? I guess why why do I feel all this resentment and negative feelings? Um I guess it's because uh I wrote this down in my notes [laughter] and now I'm reading it and laughing. I feel like sometimes like I'm Ariel in The Little Mermaid and and I just want to be part of their world. You know what I mean? I I feel like as an Asian man, sometimes I'm just a I'm just a [ __ ] mermaid with these with this [ __ ] up fish tail in a world full of people of two feet. And people just reject me on the basis of that before before before I get to, you know, be part of their world. And like I guess um part of it also is like this lone this gnawing loneliness that I've been like dealing with in my 20s that maybe is a maybe is a topic for a separate uh Minecraft therapy video. But like in my 20s I've I've been like I've been so [ __ ] lonely, dog. I've been so lonely and and like I've been searching through all these ways to like numb the loneliness, whether it's through like parasocial YouTube content or or like [ __ ] talking to chat GPT or [ __ ] you know, [ __ ] uh playing video games, you know what I mean? To like just like numb the feeling within me just so I don't feel it. And like I don't even necessarily know why I feel lonely because I also identify as like a misenthrop where like I think most people where like [clears throat] I also like genuinely don't have a high opinion I feel like of the average human being just from like uh all the wars and devastation and selfishness and and [ __ ] up [ __ ] that I've seen that humankind is capable of.

[00:34:32]But I guess that pull you know I don't know. I don't know. Like I said, that's that's a topic for another Minecraft therapy video, I guess. Maybe is that like what is this gnawing feeling within me? Maybe it's not even loneliness.

[00:34:43]Maybe that's not the right word, but there's just like this gnawing feeling within me that like I feel like I need to numb. And um yeah, I guess part of it is that like I feel sad that um I guess part of me wonders if if I was part of that world. May maybe the loneliest one exists. You know what I mean? And then I wonder if the reason I'm not part of that world is because I'm an Asian man.

[00:35:10]But um maybe it's not, maybe it's not.

[00:35:13]You know, like I said, I I don't have all of this is very anecdotal and specific to me and I don't really have any any um you know, I've never lived as anyone except me. You know what I mean?

[00:35:25]I've never been a white man. So, I can't say for certain that if I was exactly me but was a white man that uh things would be different. You know what I mean? If someone could invent a Freaky Friday machine, we could like, you know, we could have a peer-reviewed study on this [ __ ] to see if if [ __ ] would actually change. But like, I've only lived my experience. So, I can only talk about my experience. Like I said, I can't talk about what it's like to be white man or a white woman or a black man or a black woman or anyone else. So, this is just my feelings. And um yeah, I guess um I guess the conclusion I'm reaching is that like I'm I'm happy with who I am. I I struggle a lot with like my place in society. I feel like um which like I said is maybe a topic for another Minecraft therapy video. And then like that maybe has some like that because I struggle so much with like how I fit in in society. I start to like wonder, you know, I start to wonder how how, you know, I I start to long for the world where like I feel like I fit in better with society. And like maybe just like being white, being a white man is just like a very easy obvious way for me to to to just like an obvious like solution, imagine solution, you know what I mean?

[00:36:48]Where it's like, oh, if I was just white, everything would be different when when uh that isn't necessarily true. And that isn't even necessarily something I want. Um it's just like I guess um my human brain it's in dealing with like the gnawing feeling I've been dealing with in my 20s. It's like searching for like easy answers when maybe there just is no easy answer.

[00:37:11]and like um and and uh you know I just keep going back to I just keep coming back to the idea that like I'm basically I feel like I'm basically saying what women have been saying about like the experience of being woman for so long where it's like yeah if if like women were were not judged as being women it the experience of being a woman probably wouldn't be as [ __ ] up. You know what I mean? It's it has a lot to do with like society and how like society [ __ ] us up. I guess we live in a society. So yeah, that's uh that's how I feel about being an Asian man. I'm happy with I'm happy with who I am, but I'm certainly struggling a lot with like just just my life, I guess, and my and [clears throat] and like my happiness and life. And I guess also what I'm saying, you know, I'm sure if I was happily married and had kids and had friends, and this kind of connects back to the Nicks video I made last time, like if Yeah, if I was [ __ ] happy and not depressed, I probably wouldn't give a [ __ ] about uh the Knicks or or being an Asian man or like all the [ __ ] that I'm stressed about because I'm depressed. You know what I mean? But it is because I'm depressed that I'm [ __ ] stressed about these things. So, um yeah, I guess I guess uh maybe my maybe my complaints about or or of a resentment and all these feelings of confusion and resentment around being an Asian man are more of a symptom of a general malaise or unhappiness that I feel uh with my life [snorts] uh rather than the root cause. You know what I mean? like the the struggles I have with being an Asian man are maybe more a symptom than than the disease.

[00:39:06]Well, it's definitely not the disease as I as I've stated throughout this video, but um yeah, that's a video. I do feel like I expressed some feelings within me that needed to be expressed and I do feel better after saying all that. Uh hopefully hopefully uh hopefully I'm not even going to say hopefully you can relate, but uh hopefully you don't have a bad faith interpretation of everything I just say.

[00:39:37]Everything I just said. That's that's really all I'm hoping for. I feel like sometimes when I make these Minecraft therapy videos, people like to have bad faith interpretations of what I say, which which uh bums me out, but also I can't let that control my life. You know what I mean? Anyway, that's the video, y'all. I hope y'all hope y'all enjoyed at the very least. Um, thank you all so much for watching the video if you stuck around to the end. And um I hope y'all are doing well, being happy, touching some grass, and um and uh we'll be okay, y'all. We'll be okay. All right, that's the video. I hope everyone stay safe, stay sane. I'll catch you next time.

[00:40:34]Peace.