What the Dismissive Avoidant Would Say If They Were Being Honest...

Added: 2026-05-27

[00:00:00]Dismissible avoidance keep a lot of things to themselves, but I've had the inside scoop of listening to dismissive avoidance for almost the last 14 years.

[00:00:08]And in today's video, I'm going to break down for you what dismissive avoidance actually say when they're being honest about how they feel about their relationships, their partner, and even themselves.

[00:00:20]avoidance may feel or if they were really honest with their inner world they would literally say to you in the dating stage of relationships that first phase I can be more present I will be charismatic I will express more consistency in the relationship but as soon as things get too real or I feel too deeply that's when I may shut down or push you away okay so that's point number one and it answers one of the major questions that people have all the time about attachment styles specifically avoidance where they're like, "Well, why did the person start off so well and then suddenly pull away?" And honestly, if you've been through this, one of the most painful parts about this is that it feels like everything's going so well, then suddenly somebody shuts down and pulls away. And you often think that it's you, that it's your fault, when you don't realize, hey, it's actually about this person's attachment style and how they tend to operate in relationship dynamics. Here's the second one, and this may actually surprise you when I tell you the actual truth behind it, okay? an avoidant, they were truly honest, they would say, "I feel like I don't need anybody." We know dismissive avoidance, they often pride themselves on their own independence, their own ability to be self-sufficient, and they often feel like reliance on other people is unnecessary or uncomfortable. But here's an actual truth. People need people. And this may be shocking. All human beings are wired for yes individuation and authenticity and and the sense of end independence but also we are wired for attachment biologically and even dismissive avoidance do need people. You can probably guess this next one and it's that I pull away when people get too close to me because it makes me feel trapped. We know the actual truth behind this is that dismissive avoidant attachment styles, they end up needing to keep people at arms length because they are afraid to feel too much. And so because they feel like they don't want to feel and experience their own emotions, they're terrified of being too vulnerable and then feeling trapped in the wrong relationship. But really behind all of this, the actual truth is that they don't know how to work through conflict.

[00:02:27]They often feel overwhelmed by their own emotions. And so emotional intimacy of course then feels trapping or suffocating because they're trying desperately to protect their own sense of autonomy and independence because as children if they grew up in a household or environment where they didn't get their emotional needs met they don't want to be back in a situation again where they feel like they are vulnerable open and then they can't get their needs met. So they keep people at arms length to avoid feeling like that all over again. Now number four, you'll never guess this one. I think this one surprises people the most. It is hard.

[00:03:02]This is what a dismissive avoidant would say, by the way, if they were really honest. It is hard for me to trust people with my emotions. Now, we often think of trust as being a fearful avoidant thing. That's often the attachment style that struggles with trust. But dismissive avoidance struggle to trust other people with their emotions. If they did trust people with their emotions, they would be more emotionally expressive. So they actually struggle with their vulnerability and keeping their feelings and thoughts private because they get afraid that if they do express their emotions are going to be seen as weak or shameful and that part is something so important to understand. Number five, here's one that nobody talks about enough. An avoidant would say when people ask for emotional support, I feel uncomfortable and I don't know how to respond. And if you've ever been in this situation, this may be hurtful for you. You know, sometimes when they're somebody's expressing emotion or crying or opening up, an avoidant may actually shut down. And often times it's because they're afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. And they think that if that were them in the situation, they wouldn't want too much attention on it because they would feel embarrassed or ashamed. So they'll minimize the expression of like, you know, too much magnification on your emotions, thinking that that's them often protecting you. And that's often the surprising truth. Now, before I tell you the rest of this really important information for this video, I want to let you know that if you are the loved one of a dismissive avoidant and you are tired of feeling confused, frustrated, feeling like you're walking on eggshells or always the one chasing, then you can join me completely for free in a 1 and a half hour long master class where I'm going to take you through exactly how to tell number one whether or not you're in the right relationship. Number two, if you are in the right relationship, how to know your needs and your avoidant partner's needs and then meet them with one another and communicate effectively so you can actually keep the spark alive and keep growing together and doing the work to become secure rather than having everything fall apart. This master class is fully free to attend. It's exclusive.

[00:04:58]It's just here for a very limited time.

[00:05:00]There will be no replay. So, make sure you join down below because it will really help you gain the clarity, the certainty, and the confidence back both in your life and in your ability to thrive in this relationship. The link to join is down below, and I can't wait to see you there. I will literally be there to answer your personal questions.

[00:05:17]Here's another one that you may have experienced that can be painful. Number six, I shut down when I'm in a conflict because I don't know how to deal with it. So a lot of times avoidance will shut down conversations, conflicts, even if the conflict is intended to have a healthy outcome because they get afraid of not having harmony. They get afraid of something say being said that could break down the relationship and they never had conflict modeling for them.

[00:05:44]They never had somebody say, "Here's how we can solve a conflict or showcase to them in their childhood or upbringing how we could work through or talk through situations." And so the actual truth here is that they shut down because they feel like they are incapable of handling conflict in a healthy way and they feel out of their depth a little bit. Number seven, an avoidant may say, "I like relationships that don't demand too much from me emotionally." Sure, lowmaintenance relationships where they have their independence respected and they don't have to constantly provide emotional closeness or reassurance may be something that they're like, "That would be my ideal relationship or situation."

[00:06:21]But you know what? You know what the actual truth is? I've seen dismissive avoidance. I've seen thousands of dismissive avoidant clients over the years. And dismissive avoidance when they go into these low maintenance, low investment relationships, they get bored. They actually don't tend to be attracted to individuals like that long term because they are actually seeking at a deeper subconscious level. They are seeking somebody who wants to make an effort, wants to put in, wants to showcase these things. We tend to be in a situation where if somebody's too much like us, we're often not attracted to them. We tend to be attracted to our repressed traits. It's called trait variety. It's actually one of the main things that we are attracted to from the psychology of attraction. Number eight, you may guess this next one, but an avoidant might say if they were being honest, I don't really know how to rely on people even when I need help. And asking for help to an avoidant feels foreign to them. They grew up in a situation where they didn't really know how to do that. So, they learned to be super self-reliant and they felt like that was easier. And so, with adults, they'll be the individuals that tend to try to handle all the challenges on their own instead of seeking support from others. But the actual truth behind this is that sometimes avoidance wish because I've had these conversations again with thousands of avoid of avoidant clients. They wish that people will say to me all the time, I wish I could like ask for help more easily and be, you know, a little more vulnerable with people cuz it might feel nice sometimes to actually have that ability.

[00:07:45]I think they'll get a little bit more shocking from the last two as we go.

[00:07:49]Number nine, deep down I'm afraid that if I do open up, people will judge me, reject me, or think that I am defective.

[00:07:57]So even though avoidance tend to appear emotionally distant, dismissive avoidance carry an underlying huge fear of being seen as defective or weak if they're open and vulnerable, which fuels that reluctance to open themselves up in the first place. And again, this is because of their conditioning from childhood. They were often made to feel like this in their upbringing. And so, of course, they constantly fear this as adults. And last but not least, one of the things an avoidant would say if they were being truly honest is, "Sometimes I wish I could be more emotionally open and actually express my feelings and admiration for people, but I'm too afraid." Though well dismissed avoidance may appear so aloof, they actually crave deeper connection at times and their protective coping mechanisms prevent them from expressing those emotions in a healthy way which can lead them to truly feeling isolated. In fact, yes, dismiss avoidance can feel isolated. And so I think it's really important to dive in here and understand it's not always so easy to be an avoidant as much as people may think. And it's their conditioning.

[00:09:03]They are not often choosing these things. But the great news is that you can recondition these patterns. If you're new here and you want to learn more about relationship, psychology, how to really thrive in our dating and love life, you can hit the subscribe button down below. I would love for you to be here and a part of our community. And I just wanted to say thank you so much for even stopping by today and for watching.