My Boyfriend Died. Everything I Know About Grief

Added: 2026-05-10

[00:00:00]Hi guys, welcome back to my channel. I don't really know how to start this video in like an appropriate way. I don't know what to say. Um, and I'm very nervous if you can't tell. Like my heart is beating, my hands are freezing, and this is very like vulnerable and exposing. And so if I like have a reaction that seems unappropriate, like if I laugh, I'm just uncomfortable.

[00:00:28]Okay? It's not funny at all. This honestly feels like the right time to make this video. I promised myself that when I would make it, I would be very clear and raw and honest about my experience with grief. Even the parts that are uncomfortable to share that are, you know, that feel shameful or I feel guilt about them. Like I wanted to share, you know, as much as I can remember and even if it's, you know, not pretty because this helped me the most. like people just sharing their genuine experience was so healing because it made me feel like I wasn't alone, like I wasn't crazy because grief is so overconuming and confusing that you do feel crazy sometimes. So someone sharing their story and you relating to it is so helpful. And I feel like there were parts of my story that I never heard like some experiences that you know might be a little shameful that I didn't hear anyone talk about. And you know if I can help one person who is feeling that way and feels very isolated then I'm happy with that. And I don't really know if this is going to make sense, but a big reason why I didn't want to make this video for a really long time is because I didn't want it to define me.

[00:01:42]Like I didn't want this to be all of me, you know, like everything else was erased and I was just a girl whose boyfriend died. And I also didn't want it to be like a gossip story, you know, like something that people share just because they have nothing more exciting to talk about. Obviously, I don't feel that way anymore, thankfully. Um, and I feel like I'm not drowning in grief anymore. So, I feel like I'm removed enough to where I can share things the way I want to share them and like be unapologetic about it because this is my experience. This happened and like it is what it is. I can't change it. So, here I am, okay? And I wanted to make this um and just share my experience and some things that really really helped me during the thickest fog of grief. So almost 2 years ago my boyfriend at the time passed away very unexpectedly, very suddenly like it was a complete shock and it was a very very traumatizing loss. And I never experienced grief as an adult before. Like I've lost people in my life before, but I was a lot younger, so I don't remember like grieving, at least not like consciously.

[00:02:56]I don't remember like going through the process of grief. I felt like I was thrown into the deep sea and it was like sink or swim. Obviously, I have learned so much about grief. Um I've learned so much about myself, about my life, um about life in general. Um it really is like a life-changing experience and I feel like you're never the same after something like this. And grief is obviously so complicated and confusing and messy and so incredibly painful.

[00:03:26]Like I I don't think painful is like a big enough word to describe it. It's like a raw pain. Like someone is cutting through your soul just repeatedly for as long as humanly possible. Like it is excruciating. And there's so many different emotions. Like you go through anger, through sadness, numbness, depression, dissociation, shame, guilt, like everything you can possibly imagine. It really is an emotional roller coaster. And it's also like an unmasking. I don't really know how to explain this properly, but I feel like grief like shows you the bones of everything.

[00:04:05]It like takes the mask off of everything in your life and it's like this is the reality now. Like this is the reality of the people of the relationships you thought you had. This is the reality of your job, your career, of where you live, who you are. Like everything is different all of a sudden. And for a really long time, I felt like I didn't fit into my life anymore. Like it was it just I was not like I've never been the same. It's like you're dreaming and then all of a sudden in the middle of the dream someone like jolts you awake and it's so jarring and confusing.

[00:04:40]an intense like obviously I'm in a very different chapter now. Um not only that I move homes, I moved cities, I moved countries. Um I'm now in a like a relationship I used to like dream about and didn't think was possible for me. So many of my friendships have changed.

[00:04:57]like everything feels so different now and I feel really guilty about that sometimes because I'm like how can my life already be so different and how could I have moved on so quickly in so many ways like that makes me feel really guilty and also because my life has moved on and his ended like I already feel so removed from it and that just feels really unfair and even though I've like moved on in so many ways ways. I feel like I'm not drowning in grief. I feel like I'm removed and, you know, there used to be not even a second that would go by that I didn't think about it. And now there's, you know, days that go by. And then there's moments where it like something reminds you of it or just something takes you back, whether it's a picture, like a scent, someone's expression, like it could be anything, and it feels like you're right back in there. It's like time stopped and you never moved an inch. like you're frozen there. Sharing my story, you know, it's very therapeutic for me, but I also love sharing the things that have helped me, the things that have made a difference in my life. Like, I've lived a bit of a life and I don't know why my life is the way it is and I would love just like a decade of like peace, you know? I don't like there's so many things that have that have happened. I feel like I've lived 20 lives. Like at some point I was in a mental hospital as a 15year-old because I had hallucinations and like that feels like a different life. This feels like a different life. Like and I hope doing this like helps someone if that can be the only reason why this is happening.

[00:06:39]That's fine. Um but also through everything that I've gone through for some reason and I don't know where this comes from. And I honestly think I've always had this since I was a child.

[00:06:52]Like this inner optimism that like no matter or maybe it's stubbornness like no matter what happens to me, I will make sure that I'm okay. Like no matter what happens, how bad it is, how horrible and like excruciating it feels in the moment, like I will make sure that I will live a good life, that I will be happy, that I will do whatever it takes to get there. And that really is why I have this channel.

[00:07:17]So, I don't know why I thought I needed to say that, but um also May is mental health awareness month, so it felt very fitting to do this in May. And therapy has obviously been so helpful. I, you know, have been in therapy for a little while, and I've been doing online therapy for a few years now, and honestly, like it's always been helpful, but especially through this because I feel like grief again is so confusing.

[00:07:46]you don't know which way is up and like having someone to just guide you and like give you some form of direction or just some tips of like what to do um or like where to even start processing was honestly life-changing and the only appropriate paid partner for today's video is BetterHelp and I'm so grateful for them and for the service that they offer. Um, again, therapy has been like my guiding light for a big chunk of my life. I just love how accessible they make therapy wherever you are. Like, you can do it through their app or you can do it online. And you can communicate in whatever way feels most comfortable for you, whether it's through video, audio, or text. And also, if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time at no extra cost.

[00:08:33]Also, 82% of clients recommend their therapist, which I think says a lot. So, if this is making you realize that you need a little bit more help and support during this time or whatever you're going through, then head to betterhelp.com/nika and get 10% off your first month of therapy because no one should have to go through anything alone and BetterHelp is here with you.

[00:08:53]Obviously, we've moved location. I feel like the lighting was getting a little bit out of hand. But now, I wanted to share the list that I've made of kind of like a guide that I wish someone would gave me. like a big sister was like, "Here you go. This is going to be a lot and it's going to be really hard, but these are the things that have have helped me and these are the things that I've experienced that you might experience. Um, and I just want you to know that all of it is normal. All of it is okay and it's just grief." The first thing that I wrote down is kind of like what I feel like is the first experience, which is like the shock and the numbness. And I feel like this can be very different for so many people.

[00:09:36]Like you can experience that numbness for like a few hours, for a day, for weeks. Like it's very different. And I feel like it makes a lot of people feel like something is wrong with them because they don't feel it. Like they can't cry. They just feel numb. First of all, that is so normal. And everyone goes through that. However long that experience is, it's different for everyone. And it's different for everyone for a reason. Like your brain is going to give you as much as you can because it's so overwhelming for us to process this. Like it's so weird for our brains to grapple with the fact that someone who was just there is no longer there and they've just disappeared. Like that is so confusing and hard to grasp.

[00:10:21]And the way this was explained to me and this really helped me is like your brain doesn't want to drown in all of these feelings. It's going to give you as much as you can handle and you shouldn't push it, but you should make room for it. And the thing is it's not going to hit you all at once. Like you get little doses of like reality hits of this really just happened. Like it can be smelling the sheets and all of a sudden you're just hit with this realization that they're really gone and it's so overwhelming. So you can't feel all of that at once. Like your brain almost doses it for it for you to be able to handle it. I remember one of the first like little doses that my brain gave me was like a few days after it happened. Um, my family organized like an Airbnb for us to stay in so I didn't have to stay in that apartment. And it was a really like cute, very like homey place and I wanted like I went in to grab my phone to take a photo because I wanted to send it to my boyfriend at the time and it just hit me like, "Oh my god, I cannot send this to him." Like I can't ever send anything to him anymore. like I can't talk to him anymore. Like you get doses like that sporadically.

[00:11:29]This one might be a bit niche, but I really really really wish someone would have told me this at the time. I don't know if I would have listened, but I would have loved the chance to hear it because I feel like this made my experience with grief, especially in the first, I don't know, 6 months, a year, so much more difficult and stressful and strenuous than it already was. And that was that I believed there was like a right way to grieve. Like there was a system that I get to cross off and I'll be okay again.

[00:12:05]um like there's these exercises and things to do and that puts so much pressure on myself when grief really is so messy and like I feel like that was my way of trying to control it and you can't control it and that really sucks for a control freak and perfectionist like me and what I wish someone told me is like let go of that idea and healing really is just feeling it like feeling the pain is you healing so when you're crying in bed that is you healing. And you know, you can't rush it. It takes however long it takes. Um, but that is you healing. And I wish someone would have told me that so badly because when I was crying in bed after like months and months, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me that I'm still feeling this?" You know, like, "Haven't I done enough to like move on?" And what it really was was like that was me healing.

[00:13:01]You know what I mean? Like I really hope that makes sense because that was such a big thing for me that I wish someone would have just like switched in my brain. Another thing that I wrote down that I also wish I would have done differently because it would have been so helpful is grief is so incredibly exhausting. It feels like your soul is exhausted. It's like tiredness on such a deep level. I don't really know how to put it into words. And the smallest things, at least for me, that usually would not stress me out at all, would be the biggest deal in the world. Like getting groceries or just getting out of bed was so difficult. And so I wish I would have given myself as much time as humanly possible to fall apart. And for that to be the only thing on my quote unquote agenda. I went back to work after a month, which, you know, I had my own reasons. I wanted to have some sense of normaly. I wanted to have some way I felt like I was moving forward and like some like positive distractions, something else I was putting my energy towards and it was way too soon for me and it just made everything so much more difficult. Like every comment was exhausting. Every little inconvenience was so stressful. And obviously, I know we don't all have that choice to have that time to fall apart, which is honestly horrible. But if you do have a choice in whatever way possible, give yourself as much time as possible to literally just fall apart. And whether that means crying on the floor, laying in bed, not getting up for days, then that's what it is. Like I honestly looking back I really really needed a way longer time period for that than I gave myself. Um and I would have avoided a lot of stress and a lot of strain on my nervous system that was already destroyed. Um so give yourself time to fall apart. Which brings me to don't isolate yourself. You need support and you need connection. You should, if you can, ask for help and you should accept it. Whether that means someone that can help you have that time to fall apart.

[00:15:19]Whether that means someone, you know, bringing you groceries or making a meal or if you can just call someone that would come over and just be there with you or talk to you or sleep over or anything.

[00:15:33]When you lose someone, it creates like this gaping hole in your life. It's like a connection was just completely cut off and you don't know what to do with yourself. Spending time with other people, having other sources of human to human connection really, really, really, really helps. It is so healing and it kind of fills little gaps of that like gaping hole.

[00:16:00]And I know none of those people are going to replace that person. They can't. But it does make a huge difference. And I really really hope that you don't isolate yourself because grief is already so isolating and I really hope you have support around you.

[00:16:17]One advice that I was actually given that was really really helpful is that you need to give your brain a little bit of help. Like your brain is going through so much. It is processing the unthinkable and you need to give it just tidbits of health. Okay? And if that means you getting a little bit more sleep than the night before and if that means getting fresh air by opening the window because you cannot leave your apartment for days, then that is what it means. Just finding little tiny small ways to support your brain um is really helpful.

[00:16:56]This is another piece of advice that I was given that is very helpful. But having the tiniest little routine in your day that is the same or very similar every day is so helpful to give you that sense of normaly that kind of like grounds you and stabilizes you is so helpful. Like even if that means you get up at whatever time and you make yourself the same cup of tea every day and the same mug, like the tiniest little thing that gives you some sort of stability every day. And again, it should be so tiny. It doesn't stress you out. It's not like added pressure on you that you have to do this thing like very very very simple, very small. Also, connect with people who are going through the same thing. I did this online like mostly I would be on TikTok and just like put in the surge grief and I would just watch all these people sharing their experiences um and you know whatever they were going through in the moment and it was so helpful and so like relatable. It made me feel so much less alone and it like really really helped me on the days where I felt so isolated and like no one understands me or no one's going through this. Um I highly recommend that.

[00:18:10]Obviously, there's also YouTube. Like reading Pinterest quotes about grief helped me. There are books, there are podcasts, there's probably Facebook pages. Like you can even find a grief support group in your area. There's probably ones online. Like that is I know I keep saying the word so helpful, but like I don't know what else to say. It is so so so helpful again to make you feel less alone and um you know just hear each other out like feel seen feel heard and you might also get some like advice or something from someone who's going through it as well something that helped them.

[00:18:49]It really is life-changing. Something that I probably should have mentioned already is to be so incredibly gentle with yourself. The way this resonated with me the most is to treat myself like I would treat little me, like a child me that was going through this. Um, and I would get like a little photo of me as a child and I would put it beside my bed.

[00:19:11]So I would like treat myself the way I would treat her and that was like a little reminder for me when I woke up.

[00:19:19]Um, and I would like talk to myself the way I would like, oh, it's going to be okay. like you know little things that you would say to a child or like I would hug myself or you know these things might seem a little bit silly or like you know I'm an adult like but you really need that when you're going through something like this you need to be very gentle with yourself. The next one is to expect any and every emotion.

[00:19:41]Like there is going to be sadness, pain, anger, disappointment, numbness, there's going to be shame, there's going to be guilt. Like there's going to be so many things that you feel. And people say there's like a process through grief like different stages. They are all meshed together.

[00:20:00]Okay? Like there is no clear system of like oh you feel shock first then you feel numb then you feel sad then you feel angry like it is all over the place and you experience so many different emotions in such a short like time period it really is insane but from my experience they all come eventually like all of these emotions they come eventually and all you can do again is make room for them. The hardest two for me were feeling numb. Um like it feels like there's a surface and everything above is like seems stable and seems fine and then underneath you know there's like a tsunami of feelings but you can't access it. Like you know it's there. You can't access it. So you walk around like a zombie. Like you just you're barely existing.

[00:20:51]It's like dissociation basically. And that would be so frustrating to me cuz I would be like, I just want to feel it so I can get out of this feeling of just being stuck and numb to it all. When I was really stuck, just feeling so numb for so long. Like sometimes it would last for like a week or more, I would go and watch Tik Tok videos of people talking about their grief and then it would like unlock something and I would feel it and it would all come out. So that was something that was helpful.

[00:21:23]Another one, another emotion that was really, really hard for me to deal with was anger just because I felt wrong for feeling it. I felt like I was a horrible person. Um, and there was a lot of guilt associated with me feeling anger, which I feel like just made it worse. Um, but it's normal to feel angry and I know I had so many valid reasons for feeling so much anger, but it was so intense that I didn't know what to do with. Like I I felt like I could like create a hole in the world. That's how angry I was. I was angry that this happened. I was angry at the world. I was angry at him that he was just gone. I was angry at myself for 10 billion reasons. I was angry at the people in my life because I felt like they weren't really there. Like there were so many reasons for me to feel angry and I did not know how to get the anger out because it was so intense. So one thing that really helped me is this exercise. I will put it on the screen.

[00:22:24]Um it's from a book called How to Love Yourself by Teal Swan. It's always linked in like my Amazon books that have changed my life. I think that's how it's called. So I'll link it down below, but I'll have it on the screen. Um, you basically, it's an exercise to express your emotions fully. So, you go step by step, answer a question one at a time and you just get it out. Like, it is so helpful, especially when you feel so like confused, you don't even know what you're feeling. You feel like there's no like end in sight. Um, this exercise was so helpful, especially when I was numb, cuz I just didn't even know what I was feeling. I just know I just knew there was a lot. Um, so that is one thing that was so helpful. And when it comes to anger, doing that and then after it, getting it physically out like whether it was like punching a pillow or like shaking my body or like running, anything like that, just to get that energy out. Um, I felt like that was really helpful for me. If you're one of those people, I am this way as well.

[00:23:32]That when someone says, "Oh, just feel it." You're like, "How do I do that?" Like, you're just like, I don't know. I'm going to give you some examples of things that were really helpful to me. This exercise, writing in general, journaling, like I have filled this whole journal in one year. I used to fill one of these in 3 months. Like I would just write anything and everything that was on my mind. I would write letters to him. I would write letters to my past self, my future self. Like I would create like almost like a conversation in my head with him.

[00:24:08]There was like so many little like writing exercises that were really helpful to me. Um just to get it out. Obviously crying, talking to yourself out loud. if you need to feel like it's being heard in some way. I don't really know how to describe that, but I feel that way as well. Talking to yourself in the mirror really helps because it feels like it's being like received in a weird way or recording like an audio note on your phone, like just talking to yourself. Obviously, like talking to the people in your life, calling them just to like vent and cry.

[00:24:48]There were so many times where I felt like I was struggling so much. I would call my mom, she would come pick me up and I would stay with them. Like that was so again helpful. How many times have I said that? Um also talking to a therapist. Um if you need to share your story like you know post in support groups on Facebook or comment on these Tik Toks or if you want to share your story publicly you can make your own.

[00:25:13]You know just find whatever way to get it out that feels most comfortable for you. And it's probably going to be different depending on the day. I don't know if this is a niche experience because I've never heard anyone like publicly or privately talk about this.

[00:25:28]And this is the one that made me feel so much guilt and shame. I felt like the worst person on the planet. Um I didn't know how to deal with this at all. Um because I felt so confusing and wrong.

[00:25:41]And that was dealing with the fact that the person who has passed is not perfect. and your relationship maybe wasn't perfect. Obviously, I don't know your story. I'm speaking from my own experience here.

[00:25:56]I felt like a few months after he passed away, my brain started bombarding me with all these reasons why like all these things that were wrong with him, all the reasons why our relationship wasn't good. Um, like just everything negative. And some of it was true, don't get me wrong. like, you know, the reality is that we're not perfect. Um, but that was so horrible for me to experience. I felt like almost at the time my brain was trying to give me an out, like, oh, if we focus on all the ways he was awful, which he wasn't, but you know what I mean, then it would make the pain way less intense and we could just move on.

[00:26:41]And that just wasn't the case. Two things can be true at the same time. You can miss someone so much and you know love them and grieve after them and then you can also be angry at them and you can you know have certain questions for them or you know remember something that they said to you or something they did that you know wasn't nice or whatever.

[00:26:59]Like all of that can coexist. Not only that two things can be true at the same time, but three things or five things or however many things can be true at the same time. But that I was stuck in that for so long because I felt like it was so wrong and I felt like a terrible person. I felt like he like hated me in the moment. Um like his family would hate me. Um that, you know, karma would get me back for feeling this way. And there was just so much guilt and shame.

[00:27:31]And you know, I would talk to people about it and I felt like they didn't understand that either. and it just made me feel even worse. So, I wanted to tell you from my experience that that is normal. I don't know if everyone experiences it because again, I haven't heard other people talk about it, but that was my experience and it is what it is. That was the reality of it and I still feel that way sometimes and that is very complicated to deal with and process. I wish I didn't feel guilty about it and if you do feel that way, I give you permission not to. And I feel like if we talked about that part more, it would make us feel less crazy and horrible. Um, but I also get it. Like obviously when you're grieving, you don't want to share the bad parts of who they were. You want to remember them in a positive way. I wish someone told me that honestly. Another piece of advice I would definitely also give you is to not zoom out as much as possible. All you should focus on is just the next step.

[00:28:37]Because if you try to focus on the whole mountain, it's going to be so incredibly overwhelming and you're going to feel like there's no end in sight. You're going to feel like this forever. And how am I going to survive this? Like, how am I ever going to be okay? So, focus on this second, this minute, when you feel better this hour, when you feel even better this day, this week, whatever. like zoom in as much as possible. Do not zoom out. It's very overwhelming and you don't need to you don't need to figure anything out right now. This is going to be different for everyone. I feel like it also depends on like your spiritual beliefs and I think that is so personal.

[00:29:17]I would never want to like pressure anyone into anything. But if you want to feel connected to them, talk to them.

[00:29:26]Like whether it's through writing the way I did or if you're, you know, just talking out loud as you're going through your day, like there's so many different things that people do to feel connected to their loved ones. At first, that feels really depressing cuz it's just another reminder that they're gone. But I feel like with time, it can be really helpful to feel like they're not fully gone, like they're still here in some way. And if nothing else, they are here because of your memories. Um, so whatever you need, again, if this feels right for you to feel connected to them, um, if for example, they loved flowers, you can honor them through that by getting beautiful flowers every week and creating a pretty bouquet. Or if there's like a specific place that they loved where you feel really connected to them, like going there and talking to them, you know, there's like so many different ways. This is so personal. Um, but it can really, really help you just to feel like you still have some sort of connection to them and you can still talk to them. And if you're into this and if you're comfortable, you can also ask for signs for them to give you a sign and just be very specific. And you know, if you are here, like if you're watching over me, whatever, show me a panda like whatever. And you know, it might not be like a physical panda. It might be a picture of it. It might be a truck driving by with a panda on it. Like, it can be so random. But something like that that's so specific that would make you feel like, "Oh my god, they really are here." Honestly, I was not open to that personally. It freaked me out. I had some like paranormal experiences after he passed that freaked me out so much that I did not want any signs. If you do want that, it helps a lot of people just to feel connected to them and to feel like they're still here. you know, just in a different form, in a different way. Um, and having that like spiritual belief that this is not everything, that like there is like an afterlife, whatever that looks like.

[00:31:28]I don't know. That was really helpful to me, but I know you can't force that and like you shouldn't force it. You know, this was something that I believed before and it really comforted me. Um, and I watched a lot of, like, this is really random, but I watched a lot of near-death experience videos. Um, if you don't know what that is, it's basically when someone like clinically dies, like their heart stops and then they resuscitate them, like they come back to life, and there's so many experiences.

[00:31:56]You can find them on YouTube. Um, just type that in. like near-death experience and they are all very very similar to like they describe this beautiful place full of like love and you know just kind of confirmed to me that there is like an afterlife and they're okay and like I can still feel connected to them in some way and that was just really comforting.

[00:32:20]I get it. It's not for everyone and again I would never want to push that on anyone but that really helped me when I started to feel better and more stable.

[00:32:28]I felt like I wasn't drowning in grief anymore. It was really really helpful for me to have little small things to look forward to. And it can be like the smallest little plan with a friend, um a new hobby you want to try or like a new book or you know going on a walk to a bookstore, like anything that was it just made me feel like there's more to life and like I will be happy again.

[00:32:54]There's more experiences. there's more of life to live, but you need to be ready for that step because if you do it too soon, it like literally has the opposite effect. You feel like you're forcing yourself into something and it just like highlights the fact that you are not there at all and like not even close. So, I include this because it helped me, but like later on um and having something new in my life really helped as well. Like I remember at the time I was going climbing with my sister and that was something I never did before. So it kind of made me feel like I'm entering a new chapter that I get to create however I want to. I was really considering getting a dog like you know I wanted to move like there were all these things I wanted to change um to feel like I have a new chapter but you should not rush this at all. Like only do this when you're ready and I feel like you naturally do this when you're ready. I feel like one of the most important things I can say to you is try not to judge the way you grieve and give yourself a lot of grace. Like you're going through one of the hardest experiences you can go through in life and you are handling it the best way you can and I wish someone would have like uploaded that into my brain. I feel like I would have treated myself in a much softer, kinder, more loving way. Um, and I would have spent a lot less time judging myself and feeling guilt and shame and feeling like what I'm feeling is wrong. And it's not. It's normal.

[00:34:30]Like, you're not a horrible person. You feel the way you feel and you have to feel it. And that's just part of the experience. But try not to judge the way you grieve. I promise you, it's not going to change anything. It really just makes your experience harder and it's not doing anything for you. I'm probably gonna turn off this camera and there's going to be 10 billion things I wish I would have said also. But I think that is it for now. If you want me to cover more topics like this um or go more into detail about whatever you're struggling with when it comes to grief or anything similar, let me know. Um I will gladly talk about it. Like I am at a point now where I'm ready to talk about it. I'm happy to. So let me know. And you can also send me a DM if you're like struggling or if you feel lonely or you have no one to talk to. Um, and yeah, thank you guys so much for watching and I will see you really, really soon.