The Trad Wife To Food Stamps Pipeline Is REAL 😱

Added: 2026-05-05

[00:00:00]If your man tells you to be a stay-at-home mom, don't do it. Unless he's like a millionaire, straight up.

[00:00:05]Because I used to work. Now I don't work. But then I get yelled at because I'm spending money.

[00:00:13]>> Yeah. If you get locked in and married very young and you just go straight into stay at home wife, it is extremely difficult to become a competent adult.

[00:00:20]Tell your husband to work harder. My husband pays all my bills. Like I get to stay at home to my kids. What do you have to do? Go clock in in an office.

[00:00:27]Ew, I could never. Often I would hear, "Well, just go get a full-time job." But no, because even though I had a degree, I would not make enough with a salary or even hourly that was going to offset the cost of having two kids in childare. You are literally betting your whole life and future on whether or not this man still wakes up every day and chooses to do right by you. If you have to go to the supermarket, tell him exactly what the total is so that he can transfer that money to the card so that you can buy it on the spot. What are we doing?

[00:00:59]I've worked really hard at my career and I make good money and I am not willing to give up my lifetime earnings, my retirement fund, my social security, my benefits. I'm not willing to give that up. And that leads me to my third point.

[00:01:10]I will never be in a position where I don't have financial freedom andor the ability to provide for my family and my kids.

[00:01:16]>> Hey ladies. So today we're talking about the realities of being a stay-at-home mom slash traditional housewife. And I want to make a couple disclaimers before we get into seeing more of these clips and hearing women's experiences.

[00:01:29]Disclaimer number one, if you hear banging, shouting, scraping probably like right now, there's construction happening right beside me and there's nothing I can do. It's every day and I just have to live my life. So, I'm sorry. Okay, next disclaimer.

[00:01:50]I have nothing against if you want to be a stay-at-home wife. I do see some issues with the lifestyle that I will explain. But this is not an attack on women who truly would want to stay home with their children and be involved in the everyday dayto-day and not have and have the freedom to do it without contributing financially to the household. If that's your situation and that's a situation you want to be in and you are smart about it, which we will get to, do not take it as a personal attack. I believe in learning from each other's mistakes and that is the reason I make the videos that I do. Not to shame anyone, but so we can all make better informed decisions.

[00:02:39]>> People on this app act like this is the worst thing in the world. Stay at home mom. My husband's at work providing for our family. I have some sourdough fermenting on the bench, a baby, an apron, a cute dress. I'm tiddling around the house, cleaning things, making myself food. I can go to the beach if I want. I can go to a cafe if I want. I can take my kids to the park if I want.

[00:03:03]I can go lay out in the sun. I have this cuteness right here that I get to look at all day that I get to hang out with.

[00:03:10]Okay. I have another kid that's napping right now, so I'm having I get some peace and quiet. I don't understand why this lifestyle is so controversial on in my opinion. I've been the boss girl. I have yes, I do run a business, but I I do that on the side, but I'm talking about I've been out like have had a 9 to5. I've, you know, had the corporate job. I have made a lot of money outside of the home with no kids, you know, live the boss babe lifestyle. And I hated it.

[00:03:37]It was so exhausting. I was constantly overwhelmed. My gut health was in the trash. My cortisol levels and my stress hormones were like through the roof. Now I just get to bake bread and hang out with babies all day. Isn't it the best thing in the world? It's the best thing in the world. People on this app I love how she casually mentions that, oh, I have a business on the side. But that but that's just a side thing. You're not a tread wife. You're a content creator who is is a a content creator and an entrepreneur who is cosplaying a tread wife lifestyle to appeal to a certain audience. Having a business, even if it's on the side while saying, "Oh, I get to be in my apron with my baby and bake sourdough." And why is it always sourdough?

[00:04:30]Anyway, someone in the comments said, "You're a successful content creator with a thriving business. This is not traditional wifdom."

[00:04:40]Someone else said, "Beautiful family, jealous women only hate."

[00:04:45]Okay, this is her page.

[00:04:49]She has 85,000 followers.

[00:04:53]She also has this page where she sells a homeschooling program for $350 and other things, affiliates and all sorts of things. So, she's got something going on. So, this whole, oh, I get to be the stay-at-home mom and wife, and I don't have to worry about all that thing, and I just stay home all day, and I don't do like, come on.

[00:05:28]Come on. Can we please can we please wrap this up?

[00:05:34]She has a whole website.

[00:05:38]Uh found foundation core program. This is $400 from foundation year homeschool program. $400. Preschool core program.

[00:05:48]$250.

[00:05:50]And yet she's online saying, "I don't know why people are talking about being a tradife. You are not a tradife." And also this whole idea that you have a choice only between completely depending on a man or working like a corporate job that I think is the real issue because if you are working at a job and you're burnt out and you want to quit your job because you're burnt about the the option the the only other option that we seem to be presented is okay now go depend on a man go depend on a man have kids and then you'll be free of this work but then that's a trick because you also work as a stay at home mom taking care of especially if you have multiple kids oo multiple kids laundry feeding taking care of that you're running hats, cleaning the house, cooking, organizing, making shopping list, doing the shopping, driving here, driving there every day, running around.

[00:07:07]That's work.

[00:07:10]So, you can say, I was burnt out at work, but I quit my job and I am less stressed doing the work that I'm doing in the home. But to position it in a way that I was working and work was just horrible and now I have rest and I can make sourdough and I can wear an apron and I can go to the beach if I want to and I can bring my kids to the park if I want to while having a full online store business. And I'm sure the videos that she's making, she's using that to generate sales leads for her business. And this video that she made is feeding into the audience that she's catering to.

[00:08:04]It is dishonest. You are a working mom who has a business and you use social media to cate to drive sales. That is what you are.

[00:08:18]>> You know what's wild is that the stay-at-home moms will literally try to shame working moms and act like their life is so much better because tell your husband to work harder. My husband pays all my bills. Like I get to stay at home with my kids. What do you have to do? Go clock in in an office.

[00:08:34]Ew, I could never. My dream was always to be a mom and a wife. That's all I wanted for myself in life. And I'm got that dream and I'm so happy. No, I didn't need to go to school. No, I don't need working experience. I just want to be at home with my children and get on my back for my husband. And then when women try to warn these women, right, of the dangers of being a stay-at-home mom and that maybe that's not the best idea, always have something in your back pocket, have a side business, have your some degrees going, like always keep your certifications up. They literally be like, "Yeah, my husband's gonna never leave me. I don't need that. Like, it can never happen to me." And then it happens to you. Yeah. I've seen so many women get up on this app boohhooing about the fact that they were stay-at-home moms. Their husband decided that they wanted a new shiny, you know, woman or that they didn't want to be with them anymore or whatever. And now they don't know what to do.

[00:09:27]And they're just so they're just so lost. And the divorce came out of nowhere. And I I was I was at home. I don't understand.

[00:09:34]Like at some point, y'all got to take accountability because you have been warned. The the the women our ancestors have been warning you. Women have been warning you. That's why we fought for feminism. And a lot of y'all are trades.

[00:09:47]You don't want feminism because you don't want to work and you just want to be at home and you want your husband to control you. That's really what it is.

[00:09:54]And then it's like the thing is if you let a man feed you, he can starve you.

[00:09:59]Remember that. And at this point, 2026, I'm just like, well, that's how the cookie crumbles. This is what you wanted. You wanted conservatism. You wanted um trades. You wanted to be stay-at-home mom. Figure it out. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps cuz the rest of us working moms, we've been putting in the work and still raising our children. And if I if I was to be left tomorrow, me and my daughter would be fine.

[00:10:26]I wouldn't have to rely on a man to feed me or my daughter. Just saying. You know what's sad about the whole my husband would never leave me argument is that sometimes the husbands won't actually leave you. I don't think a lot of men will not want to be in a relationship and just get up and say, "Well, I don't want to be with you anymore." They're going to stay with you.

[00:10:54]Yep.

[00:10:56]But if he's low down and dirty, he's going to be cheating.

[00:11:00]and he's going to know that you know that he's cheating, but he's still going to stay because he knows that you are financially dependent on him. So, you can't freely leave.

[00:11:15]There will always be an imbalance and in some ways that can even lead to an imbalance of respect. A lot of men will not respect a woman who he knows it is very hard for her to leave. I used to be a stay-at-home wife. Now I'm divorced. If you're in your late teens, early 20s and a stay at home wife life is something you want. Please listen to me. Your life just will revolve around him. Maybe that sounds kind of nice if you're a true Dwan lover girl, but that kind of laziness and relaxation does not hold its appeal forever. It is extremely hard to be content with your life if you are striving for nothing. You need to have things you are striving for outside of that man. And I'm not just talking about the gym. You have to have goals bigger than that. I don't dream of labor. If your legitimate end goal is to do nothing, it sounds like you just don't dream of anything at all. If you get locked in and married very young and you just go straight into stay-at- home wife, it is extremely difficult to become a competent adult. You just hinder your maturity and self-development. When you always have a fail safe, when you always have someone that will take care of you regardless of whether you're competent or not, you will be worse for it. I think one of the main push backs for being a stay-at-home mom, stay-at-home wife, is the idea of having your life completely revolving around catering to other people's needs, mostly above your own. And this sort of self-sacrifice is considered noble. It's considered, you know, just natural, a mother's love. Why wouldn't you want to be at home working for your family? And the thing about that is we don't all have those dreams. We don't all have the dream of motherhood and wifehood and it being the central theme in our lives.

[00:13:08]They are women who genuinely enjoy their careers. At the peak of my career in recruiting and HR, I loved it. I was also a wife and mom, but I loved my career. And you could not tell me that I needed to stop what I was doing just to stay home, cook, clean, and that's it.

[00:13:29]Rinse and repeat. I didn't want that life. It didn't appeal to me. I felt like I had more to give to not only society, but more within myself that I could do. I was interviewing people, giving people jobs, training people, helping people get promoted. And that was that was so fulfilling that stopping that to just stay home and wash, cook, clean, housework would have left a hole inside of me.

[00:13:59]>> Literally, guys, I've lost myself being a stay at home mom. I don't talk to adults. I >> Mommy.

[00:14:07]>> Yes.

[00:14:09]Oh yeah, baby. I don't do anything but be a mother. You try to be nothing but a mother.

[00:14:18]You don't >> I guess you could say it's envy. Like I envied him because he was able to go leave out of town and still go out, still drink, still do all that.

[00:14:30]Meanwhile, I had to stay home the entire time, you know.

[00:14:39]I never hear that side of the conversation from the the tread wife influencers because that's what they are. The tread wife influencers. The ones who dress up in the is it cottage core outfits baking sourdough? Okay.

[00:14:55]Making their sourdough starter. They have these wooden everything. It's an aesthetic.

[00:15:02]It's an aesthetic. Now, she said that she was jealous of him because he still had his life while she was stuck isolated at home every day. If your child isn't in daycare and you don't actually have a community of other moms, you need a community of other moms. If you're a stay-at-home mom, I mean, any mom, but if you're a stay at home mom, you need a community of other moms to go on walks with, to talk to, to relate to, because I'm sorry, but a woman who has no kids is will not be able to relate to you, especially as a stay at home mom in the way that you would want to have some form of community to relate to. So, you lose your identity if you're isolated.

[00:15:55]If you lose financial freedom, you're at home working and and it's a work that is not recognized as actual labor.

[00:16:05]So, I think the only person here that wins is the man. He gets to go out, have a job, come home. And a lot of them feel like because I have a job, I don't care anything else that happens in the house.

[00:16:24]you have to do everything. And somehow they think it is a good exchange.

[00:16:31]So he won't even do his own laundry. He won't iron his own clothes. He won't clean. He won't sweep. He won't pick up toys off the floor. He won't give the baby a bath. He won't pick up clothes for the child. He won't bring the child to appointments. They will do absolutely nothing because for a lot of them they are rewarding you with this easy life in their mind and they are paying you because they work and they provide you with food and shelter.

[00:17:05]That sounds like prison with extra responsibilities.

[00:17:11]Someone in the comments said, "People don't understand it's such a deep deep depress depression hole that it is so hard to get out of because you think about everyone else's needs instead of yours." Someone else said, "I get her. It's so hard and lonely sometimes."

[00:17:30]So, this might not be everyone's reality, but it's someone's reality.

[00:17:38]>> Let's talk about it because here's the thing about me. I will never be a stay at home mom. And I am happy to tell you all of the reasons why. First and foremost, I don't want to be. I don't want to be a stay at home mom. So, I'm not going to be. Second, I've worked really hard in my career and I make good money. And I am not willing to give up my lifetime earnings, my retirement fund, my social security, my benefits.

[00:17:57]I'm not willing to give that up. And that leads me to my third point. I will never be in a position where I don't have financial freedom andor the ability to provide for my family and my kids.

[00:18:06]Couldn't be me. I will always need financial freedom. That is something that I want. that it's something that I care about and I will always be in a position where I can provide for my family. But also fourth, I refuse to be a stay at home mom in a country that doesn't place any value on the unpaid invisible labor that women do. This comment that the mental load would be easier if I'm a stay at home mom is just wholly untrue because if you talk to any stay at home mom, they will tell you that the expectations on them are greater. We expect stay at home moms to work 24/7. We tell them it's the most important job in the world. And then when they do it, we say, "So what do you do all day?" What? Like it's hard? It's not hard. What are you complaining about? We tell them that their time is not nearly as valuable as their partner's time because their partner gets paid. And so, no, I will not be a stay at home mom in a country that does not value the unpaid invisible labor that women do. It can't be me. And I'm not saying that it's wrong to be a stay home mom. I support any woman who wants to do that. I think that is a very valid important choice if you want to make that. But I'm not going to. But ultimately, regardless of whether or not a woman is a stay at home mom or the bread winner, they do most of the domestic labor and the childare. So the real solution to the mental load would be men stepping up, men doing more. And I know men don't like to hear that as the solution to the problem, but it just is. Financial abuse is present in approximately 99% of domestic violence cases. It is a primary tactic used by abusers to create dependency, trapping victims in a relationship by controlling their ability to acquire, use, or maintain economic resources. The key facts about financial abuse include a top method of control. It is the number one reason victims stay in or return to abusive relationship. Prevalence.

[00:19:43]Research consistently indicates this type of control occurs in 95 to 99% of cases. Impact. Victims often have limited access to cash, restricted from working or experience ruined credit due to coerced debt. underrecognized.

[00:20:00]Despite its prevalence, studies show a significant portion of the public does not immediately recognize financial control as a form of domestic abuse.

[00:20:08]Hidden danger, it can continue long after a victim separates from an abuser, making it difficult to achieve independence. Common examples of financial abuse include controlling all household finances, stealing a partner's identity to open debt, preventing the victim from going to work, or forcing them to ask for money. Stay-at-home moms are at the forefront of those at risk of this type of abuse.

[00:20:39]Financial independence to me is very important because we live under capitalism. Most of us don't live in communities and villages anymore where we can run down to our neighbors. We know that we still have food. We know that we're our needs are going to be met because we live in a village that has a huge network as a support system. If you want food, you typically can't really run to your neighbors anymore, can you?

[00:21:06]If you want food now, you have to go to the supermarket. If you want clothes, you have to go to the clothing store. If you want water, you still have to go source that elsewhere. If you need shelter, you still need to pay for that.

[00:21:19]So, all of our basic needs need to be met with an economic exchange.

[00:21:26]There's no barter system.

[00:21:28]You have to work. And typically what companies pay is not in line with the value and the time that you work. So, you being at home not working puts you in the line of fire for financial abuse.

[00:21:44]Now, you have to either ask him for money or if he gives you a certain amount of money to spend each month, if you need something extra, you're going to have to ask because if he does not deem it worthy of the money or the time, he's going to say no. And you might say, well, oh well, my husband wouldn't say no. But you know what would guarantee that you could get to actually live your life that is not centered around what he approves of if you had your own. A selfish man, a man who sees himself as superior will not make it easy for you or enjoyable for you to be a stay-at-home mom. If you have to go to him for approval, if you have to go to the supermarket, tell him exactly what the total is so that he can transfer that money to the card so that you can buy it on the spot. What are we doing?

[00:22:47]I would lose my mind. I would run away.

[00:22:50]I would run away. You see those stories of of women who the man goes to work and she packs up and leaves and he comes home to an empty house. That would be me.

[00:23:01]I would run away. And people are in the comments of this video talking about how selfish she is because she's not mentioning the benefits to the child of having a stay-at-home parent. Now, what would you prefer? Would you prefer to grow up in poverty, but your mom was at home? Or would you prefer a working mom and dad who were able to take care of your needs?

[00:23:25]Choose. I don't care what's going on.

[00:23:26]I'm not going to have no man trip me out my spot. Stay at home mom for what?

[00:23:32]After 15 years, you leave me and I have nothing. Stay at home mom for why?

[00:23:37]Daycare, babysitter, somebody. Baby, I'm working. I mean, I am seeing so many women come on this app talking about, "But when I met my husband, I had more to my name than I do now after being a stay-at-home mom for 10 plus years."

[00:23:53]You don't say. They drain your soul, swap lives with you, convince you to stay at home and be a mother. Sometimes that's what y'all think. Oh, it's a fairy tale. I get to stay at home with kids all day every day. No, you couldn't pay me to do that. I'm going to keep me a job. And if I don't keep me a job, I'm gonna keep me a business. And if I don't have a business, I'm gonna be trading.

[00:24:18]There's no reason that I'm seeing so many married women on here saying after 15 years, after 20 years, my husband decided to leave me and I have nothing.

[00:24:27]Not a credit card. Nothing's in your name. Nothing. It's like everything the brain just left when you got married.

[00:24:33]That's why no one on these apps can convince me, oh, y'all need to get married first. They still leave you.

[00:24:38]They get bored. They leave you. And you still end up in the same place as everybody else that y'all are on here trying to bully. I mean, y'all aren't understanding. Married, ex-wife, baby mama, you end up in the same place.

[00:24:53]I mean, it's getting ridiculous. You don't think so? Why y'all don't have anything? And then the man's life become better. Now they look attractive to another woman cuz they were draining you, sucking all the life out of you, EVEN TOOK OVER YOUR PERSONALITY. I bet some of y'all that were FUNNY BEFORE, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY NO MORE. BUT I KNOW he laughing. A woman draws off. That's what they do, baby. That's what they do. Stay at home mom going through a divorce.

[00:25:21]Stay at home mom. He took this. He took that. I'm not going to end up with anything. Girl, I just I'm telling you, I'm going to keep me something. I could be married to the richest man on earth.

[00:25:34]They get bored, too. Now, if you giving me an allowance every month and I got me a private account, go sneak some. No, I'm stay at home, baby. We still got to have a babysitter. We going to have to have a chef.

[00:25:48]You get what I'm saying? Little one, two, one, two. And then y'all don't even be hiding money.

[00:25:55]It's like once you said your vows, the brain cells left.

[00:26:01]I have a question for you. Do you think it's better to be an exwife with kids than a ex baby mama never having been married? Do you think if you're going to venture into having children, cohabitating, and being a family, do you think it's better under the legal protection of marriage? Someone said, "Truth is, most stay-at-home moms don't do it by choice. Child care is expensive, and not everyone has a village. Almost cost your whole income, if not more. Being a mother is being able to compromise." The creator responded and said, "They need to get into trading or something.

[00:26:46]There's always something remote to do.

[00:26:49]Even if it's $7 an hour, depending on a man that typically leave after 15 years is crazy. just do something just in case they leave or die.

[00:27:00]Now, I want to talk about the whole point of you're not a stay-at-home mom by choice.

[00:27:06]You're a stay-at-home mom because you were forced to be a stay-at-home mom because of the economy. That is a failure of the system.

[00:27:17]Because if you could if the money that you would pay for child care would be equal to what you would earn, then clearly we have a problem. And it pushes people into these situations, especially women, because men are not becoming stay at home dads because of the economy. You almost never hear about that. Sure there are some but it's the women who are who are expected or volunteer to step into that role. And I have another question which might be more controversial but if you cannot afford children I mean you worry every month where the rent money is going to come from.

[00:28:06]Do you have a right then to be a stay-at-home parent?

[00:28:13]And I don't know if what I want to ask is coming across the right way, but if you're going to be a stay-at-home parent and be in poverty, what's the point?

[00:28:26]I think stay-at-home parents should only be a privilege if you are not going to struggle on one income. I think is where I'm getting. But you don't have the privilege of being a stay-at-home parent if by you being home and not working and I don't and I don't mean you have to physically leave to work. I mean a remote job or anything.

[00:28:52]I don't think you have the luxury of being a stay-at-home parent if you're suffering basically. Yet, the governments pretend to be confused on why more people don't want to have kids.

[00:29:05]If your man tells you to be a stay at home mom, don't do it unless he's like a millionaire. Straight up. Because I used to work. Now I don't work. But then I get yelled at because I'm spending money.

[00:29:18]>> Yeah. It's not working out for me. It's not I don't like when a man tells me how and when to spend my money. Now, here's the argument that we're having. Okay.

[00:29:29]I He's saying that I worked, but at the end of the year, I don't have a lot of money saved up. He's right. He is right because I spent money. But baby, I paid for the birthday parties. I helped out with the rent. Not a lot, but a little bit. Okay. I bought our daughter clothes. I paid for Disneyland twice. I bought shoes, shirts, clothes, toys, eating out, coffee runs, cuz I'm just an independent woman when I was working.

[00:29:59]Like, I never was like, "Hey, I went to Target and I spent $100 on our daughter.

[00:30:04]Give me money." Never. Now that I'm not working, I'm stubborn. I still spend my own money. He gave me his credit card and I do swipe it here and there, you know, for gas. Yes, baby.

[00:30:20]But the in I guess cuz I'm a Latina. I don't know. I still use my money and he gets mad.

[00:30:26]I got to go back to work because I just can't I cannot do this. Like literally we just got in a big argument about spending money. And I said I said, "Do you know that Middle Eastern men, excuse me, pay for everything?" He got so mad he walked out the house. Like I really hurt him. He's And I feel bad.

[00:30:46]I feel bad. I should I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that, but if your man is not a millionaire, don't be a stay at home mom. You guys going to fight about money. I swear.

[00:30:58]Unless he's not that type and he don't care. But mine obviously does. We're trying to save up for a house. I get it.

[00:31:05]But it's like my one-year-old, her birthday's next week. I want to have a party for her. My 5-year-old, her birthday is in May and she wants to have a party and invite her kindergarten friends. What are we going to say? I told him I was like, "Let's just not have parties then. Let's just not have parties." Girl, we went to Walmart yesterday.

[00:31:24]Her birthday theme is Bluey.

[00:31:26]>> Yes. And I wanted like a birthday banner that said happy birthday with Bluey decor on it. It was $5. And he's like, "No, we don't need that." Granted, he's right. But I'm like, "It's so cute."

[00:31:39]He's like, "We don't need that." He let me buy the bluey plates. He's like, "What do we need that for?" I was like, "What do you mean for the cake?" He's like, "You already bought plates and stuff." I'm like, "Yeah, but these are bluey plates."

[00:31:52]I just can't. Someone yell at me.

[00:31:54]Someone yell at me in the comments. Just I'm stressing.

[00:32:02]There's a disconnect between the value that he places on things and the value that she places on things. and also him not understanding how much it really costs for the upkeep of a house. Someone in the comments said, "If you give a man the power to feed you, you also give him the power to starve you." Someone else said, "Go back to work and have him pay for daycare." Someone else said, "You don't need a rich man, you need a generous one." Someone else said, "I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband asked me if he can spend money." Someone else said, "Being a stay at home mom is not the issue here. It's your husband."

[00:32:42]Someone else said, "Next time y'all are at the store. Ask him loud enough, can you afford this because I because I could before you wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom." Someone else said he got mad because he knows he got no money for you like that. It's insecurity.

[00:32:58]And that's why I say if you're going to put yourself in a stay-at-home mom situation and money is like disposable income is going to be such an issue, then then what's the point?

[00:33:18]Just being at home with your children in and of itself does not make you a better mom than a mom who works. And I I see a lot of that. I see a lot of comments about why would you want somebody else to raise your children? And I think that's an old argument that doesn't really carry any weight. We are not villagers where you left your kid abandoned, stranded to go to go live a life in a city or whatever. You are you can still be a present parent even with a job.

[00:33:57]And a part of me really thinks that these conversations are pointless because the women who think that oh my husband would never do that to me and you y'all are just jealous because we have husbands that take care of everything and buy us everything. I think those women have closed off themselves so much to the bigger picture and it's not always from the perspective of what if he leaves, what if he cheats, what if he gets disabled?

[00:34:28]Do you think disability money is enough to replace the income?

[00:34:35]What if he dies and you don't have life insurance? What if the life insurance is not enough? How young are your kids? How long will that money last? What about inflation?

[00:34:47]There is a lot to consider. And I think a part of being a parent is being able to look into the future and to look at the world the way that it is and to make decisions based on what's best for your child's future as well. If you and your child would be living in shelters and going to food banks and now you have to go on government assistance. If something were to happen to your husband, not just not just cheating and he leaves, then you have put yourself at the mercy of systems that don't really care about you.

[00:35:32]At least have life insurance.

[00:35:35]at least have I don't know if disability insurance exists but I well yeah there there there are types of insuranceances that gives payout if something happens to you physically yes but if all you're banking on this man being healthy being capable for the rest of his life who wants that type of pressure anyway on them that they have to be working.

[00:36:08]They have to be [ __ ] they they can never take a break from working. They have to just be going on and on and on for years and years because if they don't then you go hungry.

[00:36:21]I don't I don't see that as like a glamorous thing. So I'm at home, he's working. He's doing everything.

[00:36:32]I I don't I don't glamorize that. I like I I don't see the appeal in that sort of setup.

[00:36:38]>> Today I am feeling very sad, very overwhelmed, very discouraged. Uh nobody wants to hire somebody who has a six-year gap in their resume. Um I chose with my husband, ex-husband, soon to be ex-husband to be a stay. I'm a mom six years ago. So I have a six-year gap in my resume.

[00:37:01]Nobody wants to hire somebody with a six-year gap.

[00:37:04]>> Now, she mentioned that she applied for jobs and she put the reason for the gap in her resume and she doesn't think people respect stay at home moms and as an HR person, I don't think you understand what happens on the back end. It's not that companies don't respect stay-at-home moms, but as a recruiter, your job is to hire the most upto-date, qualified person, not only on paper, but someone whose persona, work ethic, and all of that will match the company's culture and everything else. If I am tasked to hire someone for a position, I'm going to have a group of applicants.

[00:37:54]My first screening will be based on solely the resume. So your qualifications on paper, your work experience on paper because I have not met any of you in person and I cannot meet all of you in person. So the first screening has to be blind.

[00:38:16]I am not going to choose someone with a gap in their resume who is underqualified over someone who is qualified with no gaps.

[00:38:28]Unless I am desperate to fill the position, I will not choose it. It is not my job.

[00:38:36]Right? Under the job, you are to choose the most qualified in that first screening.

[00:38:44]Personality hires are sometimes good for the team or whatever, but personality hires are worse than you think. If I hire you because I feel sorry for you, you're going to struggle. You're going to get fired. I'm going to be under scrutiny because they will be able to look at all the applicants and they will ask me why even though you're not qualified or you're not up to date or you have been out of the workforce for so long.

[00:39:18]They're going to ask me why I hired you and I will not be able to say, "Oh, she was a stay-at-home mom and I felt like giving her a chance."

[00:39:27]I can't say that.

[00:39:30]Now could you be good or even better a as some of the people who are qualified who worked recently? Absolutely. But again the first screening and sometimes it's even AI sometime the the applicant tracking systems are AI and if I get a thousand applications for a job I probably won't even see your resume because you have a gap and the system will automatically pull the people with the most relevant experience and qualifications based on the search filters. So if a thousand people apply and I run a filter and I want to see the top 100 résumés then I will be then I will look at them and choose how many how many people I want to invite in for a first interview and then also even if you come in for a first interview I usually have multiple people to interview. So, if I have 10 people to interview for a position, I cannot pass on 10 people. I'm going to have to narrow that down. And again, I cannot pity hire. I cannot hire you because I feel sorry for you.

[00:40:54]So, what I'm really trying to say is it's not you and having to think about waiting until your divorce comes through to then wait to see if you can get scholarships or assistance to go back to school to update your qualification only to then leave and apply for an entry- level position. I don't think it's worth it. I don't think it's worth all the trouble.

[00:41:27]And yes, we should care about our children and we should love our children. And in a balanced world, it would be lovely that we could stay home.

[00:41:39]And and and I don't mean just moms. It would be lovely if any parent could stay home full-time with the kids and not have to worry about where their next meal is coming from. But do I think it should be at the expense of someone's autonomy, financial freedom, and their future? No. I also don't think it should be at the expense of depending on this one man, this one human being to never get sick for an extended period of time, never be in an accident, never be hospitalized, always be working, always having a check coming in in order to provide me with a with a certain lifestyle. Also, no. All right, here's part two. So, you've been a stay at home mom and you're thinking about getting divorced or you are assuming that's how things are going to go and you want to hear from someone who's already been through that experience. So, let's get into it. Right away, one of the hardest things that I could not explain to other people was the fact that, yeah, I can go get a 9 to5. Sure, I can go get a full-time job, but but none of them are going to be able to pay me enough money to truly offset the cost of child care and all the stress and struggles that come with it. Making sure my kids, you know, what do I do with them when they're sick on a day that I have to work and I don't have someone else to help me watch my children. Now, every single one of these circumstances, by the way, is different when you get divorced. Every single one of them. For me, I don't have backup support. I don't have reliable support. All my family lives where I grew up 400 miles away in Chicago. And I've been living for 18 years uh in St. Paul, Minnesota because I got married to and had kids with and got divorced here in St. Paul, Minnesota. So often I would hear, "Well, just go get a full-time job." But no, because even though I had a degree, I would not make enough with a salary or even hourly that was going to offset the cost of having two kids in childare. And although one of my children was old enough, she was in kindergarten, um I still would need care for her after school and I would need care for my son basically full-time, this basically forced me into figuring out what I was going to do with like side gigs and that was stressful. I had some ones that were really good and good for only a time like I did shipped pretty much right away. Um I tried serving which I had a lot of experience of. I had like 10 years of cumulative like serving experience. Um, and I just called someone up that I knew from a past job and I was like, "Hey, do you have anything for me?" She's like, "Yeah, of course. Come on in." But right away, it just was like so stressful. It was like, I don't know what I'm gonna make. And without being able to calculate what I could make, it just made things very hard. In hindsight, now that I have jobs, I have a job um that I can calculate. I'm telling you, not knowing how much you're going to bring home dayto-day or every other check is extremely hard. This is what I'm talking about. Like I said, as a recruiter interviewing you with a big gap in your resume, I cannot hire you. I cannot look into your personal life and feel sorry for you and just give you the job. You will not be good at the job. You're going to get fired. So, if you do find yourself in a situation where you need to give up your income or your job, keep up with the latest certifications. keep up with whatever is happening in your industry.

[00:44:42]Because if you have the gap in your resume and you're trying to re-enter the workforce and your qualifications are outdated now, you might have to be thinking of going back to school. Where are you going to get the money from to go back to school? And if you find yourself in a position where you now have to figure out overnight or in a short period of time how you're going to provide for yourself and your children, you are at risk of getting scammed.

[00:45:05]you're at risk of joining get-richqu schemes because you want the money right now because you need it. And unfortunately, there are people out there who will take advantage of you.

[00:45:16]So, as a stay-at-home mom who is 100% dependent on the husband's income and there is no wiggle room in that income for her to pursue education, certification, or have anything else to do outside of the home, I think that is too big of a risk to be asking a woman to take. You are literally betting your whole life and future on whether or not this man still wakes up every day and chooses to do right by you. If you don't have two vehicles when you're a couple or a couple that agrees that one of you are going to stay at home and becoming a stay at home parent, but you go, "And we don't need two cars. We're going to save money. We need one car." Immediately, it's a no. It's a no. Because it is not easy to be stuck at home with kids 24/7.

[00:46:08]And if you think it's like cute and fuzzy, he's going to go to work and then he's going to come home and then he's going to take the baby and then I'm going to go out and do anything by myself. You're stupid. You're stupid.

[00:46:18]You ain't going nowhere because he's going to end up working late. He's going to end up saying, "Oh, I got to stop with my buddies for a beer or vice versa. You uh I I got to stop with my girls for, you know, for a little night out." And then you're that happens over and over. you start to resent your partner and [ __ ] hits the ceiling.

[00:46:35]You're creating that [ __ ] all on your own. The other number two, do not do not get rid of your own bank account in your own finances. Let's say you don't have money coming in. You need to have a bank account at least with $25 in there so when you do leave when you have to have a hotel room that you have a Visa debit card to get a hotel room. Do not stop some kind of cash flow into your own bank account. I don't care if it does come from him. If it's allowance that he gives you, put some of it in there and you know, use the rest for your household. Why the having you not learned? They do not give any about you once they're done. They're done. They're done. You could be having a seizure on the floor and pregnant and they'll go, "Oh, are you good? Let me call an ambulance." And then they walk away.

[00:47:29]You're their ex. They don't give no about you anymore. That's it. Like I don'ting understand why is it so hard these days to get it.

[00:47:41]People are ruthless. You just had that man's baby and he promised you that he was going to take care of you and the baby and you you were sold this magical dream that like I'm going to take care of you, babe. I'm going to give you this credit card. And then the credit card ends up being declined. Why did you turn it off? Oh, you know, I just, you know, I wanted to make sure that my credit was good. And then you're now you have to rely on him for money just to even get a cup of coffee. Why do you need the cup of coffee? But he can go get himself a brand new set of rims and because he's working. He's the one that's making the money. And you feel stupid asking because he is the one that's making the money. Listen, I know there's a lot of women that will say, "I would never. He would never." Yes, he would. And yes, he will. And yes, he does. And yes, he did.

[00:48:27]Simple as that. So, I don'ting understand that we're here telling you do not do not lose your independence.

[00:48:34]You need to make damn certain that if and when that relationship ends, okay?

[00:48:39]If and when cuz nothing is forever today. I don't want We're in 2025 almost and people still believe that they're going to be in love forever and ever and ever. No. Nope. Not even if you're staying together because you are too scared to be away from each other.

[00:48:54]You're just living in toxicity because you're codependent. You're not in that relationship because you love each other and you're going to be forever. You're going you're you're can't say it enough.

[00:49:06]How many miserable people are in a relationship together right now, but because of the finances and them being tied up or they're going to be broken, they're going to have to start all over and they don't want to. How many couples are so miserable today? Holy [ __ ] young, old, middle-aged, it doesn't matter. There's not a demographic that's just like perfect right now. Everyone is in a state of I don'ting like you, but I'm stuck with you. I'm stuck with you.

[00:49:35]Couples are not sleeping in the same bedroom anymore. They're not even seeing each other. They're just like, "Hi. Hi.

[00:49:42]I took the kids to the dentist. Oh, thank you."

[00:49:46]One eats in the room, the other one eats in the study if you're lucky to have a study. It's crazy. And then you show up for Christmas for the family photo.

[00:49:57]Yeah.

[00:49:59]Don't give up your independence. Do not give up your bank account. You need to have a bank account. And also, do not agree to sell your car. Do not agree for you to be the one to sell your car. If you're going to be the stay-at-home parent, you do not need to be the one to agree to sell your car. He can sell his car because he's going outside and he can carpool with his buddies. You need to get that baby to emergency room. You got groceries to get all of that [ __ ] No, you do not agree to sell your vehicle.

[00:50:31]That's my rant for the moment because of everything that I'm seeing on here.

[00:50:34]Women are balling their eyes out and you're the ones that agreed to stay at home because you believed in this fairy tale dream that he's going to take care of you and love you forever and ever and give you allowance.

[00:50:47]Someone in the comments said, "I have been lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my girls and for a long time I did not have a second vehicle, so I was stuck unless I got a ride. That's when depression sets in." Someone else said, "This is the best advice I could ever give someone because it happened to me and the financial abuse, the loneliness, and people thinking you have such a great life." Someone else said, "Yes, I dealt with this. He didn't want me to work. He wanted me to stay home with our daughter. Then he hung out with his friends whenever he wanted. Came home whenever he wanted. Then he became abusive.

[00:51:24]Someone else said, "It's so tough. My car broke a week ago. $500 to fix it. My husband works and pays bills, but I have zero access.

[00:51:36]16 years and it's all his. Clean homes for my clean homes for my own money. and this economy took a lot away. Someone else said, "I hate what I've shown my kids as a woman. I have to tell them this isn't a healthy marriage and please do not follow my example." I understand that it's hard to work and keep your sanity.

[00:52:04]The world is in chaos. There is war.

[00:52:08]There is violence. There is so much going on that if we dwell on, we can get depressed. I understand the burnout of a 9 to5.

[00:52:21]But the solution isn't the complete opposite. give up complete autonomy over your life, your finances, over your womb, and then run the risk of being in a worse off position when you are older, when you will need the support because you you were not able you're not able to bounce back as much. you're not able to bounce back as quickly as you would if this happened to you when you're younger. The resentment that can build up in a relationship where there is a power imbalance, where there is an imbalance of not just labor, invisible labor, but of finances and of free time.

[00:53:14]The stay-at-home mom is seen as, oh, it's just she's just home with the kids.

[00:53:19]like that's cool. That's that's not a that's not a bad thing. That's not work.

[00:53:23]She's free.

[00:53:25]She's free attending to other people's needs. Children are very needy and that's kind of what they're supposed to do. Who else is their emotional support?

[00:53:37]That's their parents until they learn to emotionally support themselves.

[00:53:42]So when when he has that freedom and he decides that, well, I'm going to come home and I'm going to play video games all night and I I have this right because you should take care of everything else because I have a job.

[00:54:04]She's gonna hate him because he sees her as a paid livingin maid, helper, babysitter, chef, laundry lady, and not as a woman who is deserving of her own life and her own hobbies. How many stay-at-home moms have full lives and are not identified as just being so and so's wife and just being so and so's mother. How many stay-at-home wives have the luxury?

[00:54:43]Because it would be a luxury in the sense of the economy does not afford you to stay home on one income, have a house, two cars, savings, investments, emergency fund.

[00:55:01]to find a man who is earning that much and him also being a good decent man, not a red pillar, uh having other qualities that you that you would like and would want in a husband and a father.

[00:55:19]It's this slim. It's this slim. So, you're going to be with uh an average man, most likely an average man that makes an average income, and then you spend your whole life in service to him and the children. And that's your thing.

[00:55:37]That's that's the whole theme of your life. No hobbies, no nothing. There's there's no escape for you because any moment that you would even think of to escape to do anything for yourself by yourself, somebody needs you. The child is crying.

[00:55:55]He doesn't have clean underwear.

[00:55:58]It's not it's not a good tradeoff.

[00:56:02]And you don't realize that it's not a good tradeoff in the beginning. You realize that it's not a good tradeoff when you wake up in 20 years and realize that you had no life.

[00:56:18]You had no life. And it will be truly sad to have lived your entire life and not even knowing who you are, what you like, what you don't like. You wanted to travel, but he couldn't afford to make you travel. Therefore, you lived your life in one town.

[00:56:39]I don't know. I think that is is truly more sad. And I think we overestimate and we fantasize about what children would want. I would prefer to see a happy relationship and a happy mom and dad rather than my mom is at home with me all the time and she doesn't ever go anywhere and she doesn't do anything. I just want to highlight this comment for all the young girlies that are like, "I'm a trod wave and I love it. I'm a tad wave and I will serve my husband forever. It's been 5 years. We've been doing this for a year." Okay, I'm just saying when you speak to the women that have done it a little longer than that, there's usually a different side of the tread wave life. You don't get to control if your husband wants to leave you or not. You don't get to control if he's going to cheat on you or not. You don't get to control how or when he changes. So, just be advised when you go into the tad wife life, when he puts you on that pedestal, he's going to be able to knock you off real quick and you're going to be in the position of being in your middle age.

[00:57:58]the the back end of your closer to death than birth having now to figure out what you're going to do because you gave all those years to that man and the man that you divorce is definitely not the same man that you marry. So just be aware of someone in the comments said I was married to a pastor for 15 years.

[00:58:23]I was a stay-at-home mom to three little kids. He cheated and left and I suddenly was a single mom without my own bank account or degree. Take care of yourself first, ladies. The comment that made me laugh was someone who said, "Notice how trad is one letter away from trap."

[00:58:43]Someone else said, "I was a stay-at-home mom, not a trad wife, for 10 years. Let him handle everything. We are having to file bankruptcy Monday morning because of him. I can't leave him because it costs too much.

[00:58:59]Someone else said, "I'm a stay at home.

[00:59:01]I'm a stay at home mom only due to the fact that my entire paycheck would go to the child care and formula, but we have legal paperwork to ensure my safety plus I have my own savings uh or bank account to protect me." Someone else said, "We'll never get a divorce." Okay, what if he dies? What if he becomes disabled?

[00:59:21]What if he gets laid off and can't get the same paying job again? I think especially if you use social media, there are enough stories, there are enough cautionary tale messages and examples out there for you to understand the risk you're putting yourself at. If you are on social media at this point and you still are in the it would never happen to me, my life is so perfect. My life will always be perfect. Things will always be like this for us.

[01:00:03]At that point, you are a willing participant and if something bad happens to you, I mean like in the relationship sense, if something bad happens like he cheats on you and you want to leave and now you feel stuck, you have no one to blame.

[01:00:25]the whole idea of when women warn other women they're being jealous.

[01:00:32]I think that's played out now. I think we can all take a step back to acknowledge that women who have been in our position for far longer than we have been might have something to say from experience. Like you don't have to learn all your lessons from experience, right?

[01:00:54]If you know that you can look into the outcome of multiple people who don't know each other and not related to each other, there is not a conspiracy coming against you to talk about to to get you to behave in a certain way. There's this is not a conspiracy.

[01:01:13]This is multiple examples from different women, different walks of life, different income brackets, different amount of children, different jobs, everything who are saying, "Hey, it's not this might not be such a good idea."

[01:01:33]Now, of course, there are good healthy marriages out there. Of course, there are men out there who have worked and have provided and were not abusive and they took care of their families until they retired and they lived happily ever after. What percentage of relationships are those? And also, what period in time did those relationships happen? Now, when people talk about the divorce rates and all of that, it's always about, oh, our grandparents were together for 50 years and and my grandfather did this and my grandma was at home and she was happy and ra Yeah. Your grandma didn't have a choice.

[01:02:22]Your grandpa also probably got your grandma as a teenager and your grandma had nowhere else to live. So she had to stay with your grandpa and have babies and she had no choice in how many kids she had. She just had to keep popping out until he said he said stop. And I don't think these relationships should be any form of role model because they were set in a period in time where it was not choosing family out of love and connection. It was this is what I had to do because if not then I'm hungry. My ex sent me a message that said, "As always, I'll make sure our children don't go without." And yeah, he's right. As always, because I haven't worked and I like he's always paid for everything.

[01:03:19]So, of course, he's always been the one to not make them go without. It just takes me back to feeling worthless. the feelings of worthlessness and the fact that my selfworth is just gone still and how easily he can just make me feel like I'm this big again. I don't really understand what that was like. Was that a just a dig at me? because if it were up to me, they would go without.

[01:04:01]And I don't even understand like why even say that because you clearly know that I haven't worked for the past seven years.

[01:04:15]Almost at 10 again.

[01:04:21]So, no, I haven't made any money and I haven't paid for anything over the past seven years that our kids have been alive. So, yeah, if it were up to me, they would have went without because uh you were the provider.

[01:04:34]my ex.

[01:04:35]>> One of my gripes with when a when a stay-at-home wife mom relationship ends is at first it was our money, it was our life, our family, but at the end of that relationship it now becomes I worked. I was the one who did this. It was my job. It was my money. It's my car. It's my house. And there are too many women who have to start over. And starting over for the man and starting over for the woman in this scenario is night and day.

[01:05:16]If you have been out of the labor force for 30 tw let's even let's even say it hasn't been that long even 10 years.

[01:05:27]your skills, your certification, your degree that you got but never used is almost useless.

[01:05:38]I work in recruitment. If you come with a 10-year gap in your resume, you know nothing that has been going on in the industry in the past 10 years. You can only tell me obsolete information.

[01:05:57]Unfortunately, I would not hire you over someone who is qualified for like a mid-level position.

[01:06:07]At best, if you have transferable skills, you can start at an entry-level position. An entry- level position for you at that point in time with your children and your own expenses will not be enough for you to sustain yourself.

[01:06:26]It won't be. So, economically, it is way more of a risk for a woman.

[01:06:36]Now, if you're going to add alimony, if you're going to add child support, those are things that take time to negotiate and discuss. And you might not have that amount of time, especially depending on why the relationship ends. If you if let's say let's say something obvious, he cheated.

[01:07:00]You now need to pack your stuff, your kids, and leave. Where are you going to go? your mom, your dad, your family lives across the country. Where are you going to go?

[01:07:11]Which would kind of suggest you would need some sort of finances to get that done in the first place? Not only would you need to leave, you will need new things. You would need supplies. Are you going to leave with everything in the house? Can you pull off a move like that with no extra money? Especially if it's the type of man who whenever he gives you money, he asks you what you're going to do with it or he only sends you exactly the amount where you don't have free access to the accounts. And even if you do have free access to the accounts, he can see everything that you're doing.

[01:07:45]So if you take out a suspicious amount of money without an explanation, like he's going to know that something's up. So, it's hard also because you don't know the type of man you're going to get. You meet him, you fall in love, you get married, it's beautiful until it's not. Unfortunately, people are unpredictable. Even the people that you love the most, the person you marry is not the person you divorce. So you can't swear that in the event of a divorce, my husband would never do so. No, the stakes are way different in the actual reality of a divorce.

[01:08:31]>> What would you prefer? Being a career woman or being a stay-at-home mom?

[01:08:35]>> I don't want to be a mom. So a career woman.

[01:08:38]>> Really?

[01:08:39]>> Yeah.

[01:08:40]>> How come?

[01:08:40]>> Are you surprised?

[01:08:42]>> Isn't the whole point of life having a family?

[01:08:44]>> Procreate. No, I just don't want to be pregnant, respectfully. I just Everything about it sounds awful.

[01:08:51]>> What about your mother?

[01:08:52]>> I love my mother.

[01:08:53]>> You wish she didn't do it?

[01:08:55]>> Just because my mom did it doesn't mean I have to do it.

[01:08:58]>> Don't you have to return the favor?

[01:09:00]>> No.

[01:09:00]>> How come?

[01:09:01]>> If you were a woman, would you get pregnant just because your mom had you and got pregnant?

[01:09:06]>> I would just do it cuz I It's what I have to do.

[01:09:09]>> But you don't. Birth control is a thing.

[01:09:11]>> But it's a man's duty to provide and I understand that. I'm going to do it.

[01:09:15]Okay, that's your prerogative. Good for you.

[01:09:18]>> Would you disagree with that?

[01:09:20]>> I don't agree or disagree. I think whatever you want to do, go for it. But just be a respectful human.

[01:09:26]>> What would you prefer?

[01:09:30]>> I hate this idea that reproduction is the main goal of every single human being, especially women. and that this man is supposed to provide and protect.

[01:09:52]By and large, they are not providing and protecting at all. And having kids out of a sense of obligation to the human race is a recipe for a disaster. Kids are human beings. Say it with me. Kids are people.

[01:10:08]They're people with feelings, emotions, and eventually it turns into resentment.

[01:10:15]Resentment for your partner, resentment for your children. Because if you go into a relationship thinking, I need to have kids and provide because that's what I'm supposed to do. Even if something tells you that, hey, I don't want to do this, you're you're going to hate somebody.

[01:10:34]And when you hate somebody and you're forced to do things for them, you don't treat them so well. But go ahead and share your thoughts about this topic.

[01:10:41]I'm sure you all have lots to say. I'm looking forward to reading your comments. Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time.