How to Get Over Someone: Advice Episode!!

Added: 2026-05-29

[00:00:00]Okay, everyone. Welcome back to For the Girls with Becca Moore. I'm Becca Moore.

[00:00:04]I'm so happy you guys are here today. If you're not already subscribed, please subscribe. Um, today I wanted to do an advice episode. So, I asked you guys to ask me what you need advice on, and I'm going to try to help you out. Um, but before I do that, I should probably touch on my last episode. It was a pretty deep um, life update. Honestly, it was just like me talking about a lot of realizations I've had lately. It was just like the stuff that I've been working on in therapy. It ended up being a really deep episode because I was talking about how I was in a funk and it wasn't really just a funk.

[00:00:35]It's like I've just been making a lot of um connections on like why different things happen in my life. I think honestly being in therapy twice a week I think I've just started to process a lot more. It's like a little bit of like a difficult process I think but I know it's for the best and I know it's good when you're going through it. It's like, oh, that explains a lot. And yeah, I guess I just like have a lot of work to do. I think becoming conscious of my own like inner deep thought process is the first step to completely healing.

[00:01:07]And I'm glad I'm doing this now versus I don't know, maybe like in my 40s if I was already like if I just didn't have time. I feel like I have the time to do it now. So, I'm like trying to work on it. That way I can have like a happy, healthy life for the rest of my life.

[00:01:22]Obviously, last episode was deep. Um, I'm not like healed and I'm not the perfect person to be giving advice, especially right now and I'm like processing a lot in my life, but I still think that this could be funny as long as you're not taking everything I say seriously. So, yeah. I asked you guys for um what you needed advice on. A lot of it was getting over people. I think that was like I don't know, maybe it's like something's going on astrologically or something. Oh, also before I get started, I um obviously have a spray tan. If you're watching on YouTube, I'm t I always like dread getting the spray tan because you have to it's like a process. You have to like exfoliate your body and it's like a lot. I feel like it was so worth it cuz I'm shooting something exciting today that I hope you guys are going to be excited for. I'm very excited. Um okay, let's start. The first question I have is how to flirt with hot girls. Okay, you first of all, you can't treat them like they're hot. I mean, no, no, don't like ne them. I mean, like, don't put them on a pedestal above you. I think I think that if you're like, "Oh my god, you're so hot.

[00:02:23]Oh, I've never seen anyone as hot as you." They're immediately going to be like put off or like kind of feel like you're I don't know, saying that you think that they're out of your league.

[00:02:31]So, you have to remind yourself that you are hot, too. And you are allowed to flirt with them. Definitely don't say anything like, "Oh my god, I know you'll never give me a chance." Like, don't do that like pick me route. I think that the best way to flirt with anyone is to make a lot of eye contact and smile and hold the eye contact. I know it feels like unnatural, but you can practice on people that you don't think are as hot first if you want. Um, so like if you see a hot person in the corner of a restaurant or a bar, make eye contact with them and then if they make the eye contact back, don't break it right away. Like let them be the one to break it. Only because I read somewhere that that's like a sign of confidence where you're not like immediately like don't look at me. So like make them know that you were looking at them and but like in a positive way like and then smile not in a creepy way. That way you guys already kind of have like an inside joke almost of like oh my god we just made eye contact and like neither of us broke it for a second. And then when you do if you are in the situation where you are talking to them like face to face. Yeah.

[00:03:31]Again don't say anything like oh my god I bet people come up to you all the time. Because honestly a lot for a lot of hot girls they don't really get approached that much by like actual suitors. Like I'm not talking about being like cat called or anything. I'm talking about like people that are actually interested in dating them because most people are like, "Oh, someone else probably is dating that person or some, you know, someone else hotter than me is going to flirt with them." So, a lot of times you have a perfect opportunity to go flirt because they probably aren't getting flirted that much with normal people, not just like random people on the sidewalk. So, don't um immediately sign yourself off or like put them on a pedestal above you. And yeah, then you can like buy them a drink, but then if they say no, walk away immediately. Like be like, "Oh my god, totally fine. thank you for talking to me. Like if you if you go up to them and you're like, "Hey, can I get you a drink or can I like do you want me to hang out with you?" Some like if you ask them a question and then they kind of like say no to you. I know romcoms make it seem like the guy or like whoever like whoever's pursuing the girl is like, "Please give me a chance." Like in the notebook like he like hangs off of a carousel. That's obviously romantic for a love story, but in real life it just makes you look creepy. And then if you get rejected and you immediately are like, "Oh my god, totally fine." and you respect them saying no instead of like challenging them on saying no, then they're going to respect you more. So yeah, if they if they were like wishy-washy about you buying them a drink, just be like totally cool and walk away and take no for an answer. Or if you're like sliding into their DMs, just say something funny like I'm in love with you. Like something bold because it's I just think that's funny.

[00:05:01]How to get over an ex that cheated on you. Um okay, here's the thing that actually I don't even know what I was going to say. Here's the thing. Being cheated on is traumatic. So, first of all, you need to like take care of yourself. Definitely have space.

[00:05:16]Definitely do no contact for like at least a month. Like, do not contact them. If you're like having racing thoughts at 3:00 a.m. and you're like, "Why did you do this to me? Why did this person do this to me? How could you do this to me?" Write it down in your notes app or a journal or to your to a friend that like is an accountability friend.

[00:05:31]Anytime you want to text them, just stay no contact. Do not contact them. And then I think it gets hard because like if they completely wronged you in the end like and if you broke up with someone because they cheated on you, it's not fair because you didn't want to have to break up with them. Like you were actively in a relationship, I'm assuming, with someone that blindsided you. So it just it feels extra unfair because you're the one that's having to have this crazy boundary with someone that blindsided you and you don't want to have to be cutting them off and you don't want to have to be breaking up with them, but they gave you no choice because they cheated on you. So especially if they're not reaching out to you, begging for you back. I think it's like extra tempting to be like, "Why don't you why did you do this to me?" Like, "How did you do this?" Like, "And why aren't you like texting me every day, showing up at my door?" Um, so then it makes you angry and you're like, "Why aren't you begging for me back, you know?" So, yeah, that's why I think no contact is better because it makes you look cooler. Even if you don't feel cooler, at the end of the day, you are cooler because like you wouldn't do that to them, I'm assuming. In order to get over it, you have to accept that it had nothing to do with you as a choice that that person made. And it literally had nothing to do with you. The fact that they cheated on you, that's insecurity. That's like a need for external validation and dopamine because um your relationship wasn't giving them the validation that they needed. Cheating is like out of insecurity usually because a normal person would just break up with a person that they're dating, not date two people or hook up with two people. So yeah, I think um take space and then remember I think you're going to have to get into therapy probably. Oh my god. I'm sorry.

[00:07:04]It's like look what's going on with me.

[00:07:06]It's so annoying. Um, not that I got cheated on. I'm just saying I think that you're going to have to get into therapy and talk it out with people that are not your ex because you're not going to wait around for them to regret what they did to you. That's you needing external validation. Like, you need to accept what happened for yourself instead of making them regret what they did to you.

[00:07:29]And that's how you'll heal. It shouldn't be like waiting around being like, "Oh my god, they're going to beg for me back." Because maybe they won't. Maybe they suck. So, you need to want better for yourself, not just to be like, "Haha, I showed you." You know what I mean? How to deal with having mutual friends in a WLW breakup. Oh my god.

[00:07:47]This has been the hardest part for me, navigating like the overlaps with the lesbian web that um is in LA at least.

[00:07:56]It's like it's a lot a lot of politics and it also just in any breakup it's hard to see your friends hanging out with your ex or like people that were kind of like your friends as a couple and then they're like posting with your ex and it feels like they've chosen a side. But what I've come to realize is like people are thinking about you a lot less than you think they are and it's not necessarily in order to get revenge on you if your ex is hanging out with friends that you had. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I'm just saying you can't really if you decide to villainize everyone in the world, then you're going to be standing alone eventually. So, I mean, if it was a really bad breakup, I would hope that your friends um wouldn't want to hang out with your ex cuz that's just loyalty and that's just like ethics. Yeah. I to me I really don't like it when my friends were like interacting with an if that would ever happen like I wouldn't like it. So, you have to set your own boundaries and be clear with them and like also maybe like share them with your friends because that way they know and that way they're not like you're not like sending them an angry text if they're like at the same party as your ex. So, yeah, I I think I would just ask my friends to give me a heads up if they're going to be somewhere that an ex is. That way I'm not like seeing it on Instagram. Um, but yeah, just like overall people aren't usually trying to like make you mad. And I think there are some things in life that I mean I've come to learn where it's like if you want to be mad about every little thing that ever happens then people are just going to think that you're crazy. So you kind of just have to like be strong in yourself and be like does this actually matter? Yes or no? But if it does matter then you need to say something to your friends. Um, but in the grand scheme, if like you end it on like kind of good terms and like they're just at the same event as your ex, is it worth getting upset over?

[00:09:42]Usually not. So, it's up to you. This guy is taking one to two hours to reply to me. Is he just not into me? So, this is definitely case by case. I think a general theme of dating is like you will know if someone's into you. Like, you you won't really have to wonder. At least after like a few dates, you'll pretty much know. Um, but I do it's like hard for me to be like 1 to two hours by the way is not that long. But I know like the theme of what you're asking is like oh my god he's taking so long to answer and I wouldn't take that long to answer him. I guess with like dating girls they're usually faster answers or something. I don't know. So after I dated um a girl for the first time, then we broke up. I ended up going on a couple dates with this one guy over last summer and I hadn't been in the game of like dating men again. And again, I only was there because I was like, "Oh my god, women breakups are too painful.

[00:10:32]Like I have to go back to men." But we went on like a really good pretty good first date. I forget what our first date was. And then afterwards um we were texting and then I noticed that he was like way more fun in person than he was over text. like he was a pretty dry texter and he would take like 12 hours to answer but not that we were talking about anything fun though. It was kind of boring stuff. Like all he was planning was our next date and like logistics of that which I guess I appreciated but like I was a little bit confused. I was like why are like I guess I was just used to like talking to a girl who's like more fun over text and like a better texter. Um, so then I started getting getting the ick because he like all we're talking about was like times and locations and he would be like, "Hey, how are you?" And it would be like, "I'm good." Like nothing like fun to text. So then I got on our second date and I was already kind of prepared to break up with him just because I was like, "I don't really feel a spark over text." And he was like shocked that I was saying that. Like I remember he was like, "Wait, but I like you." Like wait, wait, wait. I was only doing that because I didn't want to like bother you. I felt like and I actually believed him like he I think he just like didn't know what to talk about and I think he was just like a little bit nervous which like totally honored that he was nervous but the way he explained it kind of put me at ease. I think that if you get too much into like the Tik Tok dating advice or like never met let a man like basically creating standards that are so high that it would be like almost impossible for someone to meet and it's almost like if he's that good of a textter it's kind of a red flag. You know what I mean? So, like you kind of want someone that like is not a perfect dater. And I think one to two hours is a perfectly reasonable time to not get an answer from someone. I think it's like unfair to expect everyone to like be able to like be entertaining and on their phone all day long, especially if he's a job, which I hope he has a job.

[00:12:17]Maybe read the book Attached cuz this is sounding like an anxious question. I think you shouldn't even be looking at how long he's taking in between text because I think you should be so busy focused on your life that he's just like a cherry on top. He's not the cake. He's like not even the frosting. He's just a accessory on the top of the cake. So, I don't think it's like worth a conversation or bringing up like why aren't you texting me fast enough?

[00:12:41]Because then again, you'll just look overly attached to someone. Um, and if it gets too bad, like if he's not texting you at least once a day, that's a little bit bad. I think that then you can bring it up, but like I don't think you should bring it up about one to two hours in between texts. Getting over limrance. So, if you don't know what limrance is, it is like an obsession with someone. Um, and it's like basically putting someone on a pedestal that is impossible to reach and just like being like delusionally in love with someone that either knows who you are or doesn't. Like you can be I think you can be like in lirance with like a celebrity if you have a parasocial relationship with them. Putting someone on a pedestal and deciding like they're your one true love and like they're the only one for you and becoming obsessed with someone is absolutely not healthy.

[00:13:30]I think we've all been there. I always tell the story about like the guy that took my virginity when I was 18. I was just like I don't know or maybe not even him. I'm trying to think like just like I've had random crushes where like I'll never get over it. Like I mean or I did ended up getting over it, but when I was like in high school, I remember having like crushes where I was like we would like pass each other in the hallway and I'd be like, "Oh my [ __ ] god, like we're literally in love." Like like and I would just create delusional daydreams like fantasies about someone that was a character in my head and is not real. Um, I think that life is better when you have people that are real and in front of you. Um, and not a fictional character that you don't even know if you would actually really really like if you guys were in like a year-long relationship and you're having to be with this person every day. So I think that just recognizing at least becoming conscious of the fact that this person is not real or the idea that you have in your head of them is not real and at least being even being able to like send this question into me and like recognizing that it's lirance is like the first step but um obviously in books like it's romantic or movies or TV shows it's romanticized for someone to be like desperately in love with someone that doesn't know they exist. But if you've if you've like hinted that you like this person or like made a move on them and it hasn't been reciprocated, unfortunately you do have to move on or else you're going to like waste your entire life. I mean, life is kind of short, so not to be sad. Wait, why did that make me sad? Um, I just think you deserve someone that is actually in your life and not an idea of someone. Don't beat yourself up. I'm not trying to shame you, by the way, because I've obviously been there. But when I started dating actual people and like started having real relationships with people, I realized that it's like way more fulfilling to have people that actually like me back, you know? So, well, again, I'm not I'm really not trying to shame you, but in general, people shouldn't need an external validation of like someone that you put on a ped pedestal that isn't real because they're not on a pedestal.

[00:15:37]They're a human just like you are.

[00:15:38]Should I send a cute selfie after sending an emotional paragraph?

[00:15:42]No.

[00:15:44]No. No. If you send Okay, I'm assuming that you sent some kind of paragraph admitting feelings. I think that was like the context of this question. You don't need to add like a selfie after that. Like let them answer. I think that Okay. just in general. The the theme of this question that I'm getting is like maybe you were a little bit like emotionally vulnerable in a message to someone for the first time, like a newer person that you're dating, and then you wanted to like lighten the mood with like a selfie or like sometimes you want to be like like if you say something emotionally vulnerable to someone, like it's tempting to like take it back or be like, "Oh my god, but like other than that, like I'm just kidding." Um, and I think that instead of doing that, I think you should like put the phone down and wait and let the person answer your emotional u message before trying to be silly again. Or else it makes you come off as anxious or like you like are wanting a reply so bad that you're like bending over backwards to like get a reply from someone. I think that in like if you've just sent something that you're nervous about, but always put the phone down and do not send follow-up texts until the person answers. That is like a general rule of thumb. You need to stand on business basically and like whatever you said is something that you wanted to say. Sending a cute selfie afterwards is not going to like lighten the mood. It's just going to come off as wanting them so badly that you'll like take back the emotional thing that you just said. So no, I don't think you should send a selfie after that. I think that you should anything that you say to anyone, you should be able to say I meant to say that and I am not embarrassed because I'm a human and I can be vulnerable sometimes. I can be silly sometimes. But you shouldn't take back a vulnerable thing that you said by like trying to lighten the mood with a selfie. I might be reading too much into this if I'm being honest. But just in general, I think that's like good advice for anyone and a good reminder that you are allowed to have feelings and you're allowed to be deep with someone that you're seeing. How to make an ex jealous if they have a new girlfriend and I'm not dating anyone.

[00:17:42]Okay, so first of all, don't start dating anyone. Clearly, if you have the urge to make someone jealous, that means you're not over them. So, I think we need to pause and not focus on making them jealous. Also, I'm sorry if today's advice is like me being like a little bit on my high horse because obviously I've made all of these mistakes, which is why I can speak to everything that I'm saying, but making someone jealous is the way to make someone jealous is by being happy and not dating someone out of spite. I think that if people Okay, something I've learned in my life. If people are hopping from relationship to relationship, if people cannot be alone, if your ex immediately started dating someone after you, and when I say immediately, I mean like a month or less, which is pretty fast, um, depending on how long you guys dated.

[00:18:33]But if it's like the next week and they're already dating someone else, that screams insecurity, obviously, like that just means they literally cannot be alone by themselves for more than a day.

[00:18:42]And that is sad. So, you already don't have to do anything. Like, honestly, I think that yeah, I I've fallen victim to like comparing timelines because I do feel like in a few relationships I've been in, like my exes have like immediately started dating someone else.

[00:18:57]And I remember feeling like ashamed of my sadness and like grief that I was having in those relationships. But once time went on, I now realize, oh my god, how lucky am I that I got to actually heal and spend time with myself and know who I am singularly without anyone to validate me. Like I never needed someone to around me just to feel good about myself. Usually rebound relationships don't last and usually if they do, they're miserable and maybe the new person is dealing with something that you did not want to deal with that you couldn't do because you're better than that. So, just remember why you guys broke up in the first place and feel sad for them that they have each other. And like obviously the new person that your ex is dating is going to be like comparing themselves to you and it's you're going to be a problem in their relationship, which the best revenge is that they have to date each other and be in a probably sad relationship where you're a huge problem in it. And yeah, the coolest thing you can do is not immediately start dating someone. The coolest thing you can do is to find peace within yourself and to live your life and do the hobbies and things and goals that you have maybe put off the on the back burner while you guys were dating because you didn't have time. And now you have time. So now you can be successful in your career. Now you can like learn a new skill and um deepen friendships with your friends and like make new friends and like take a new class and um not performatively post things. I think that's a big thing that I see people do. You know when you can like like tell that someone just got out of a breakup or relationship or they have a new crush because they're posting crazily like they're posting like a lot of like I don't know just like content that is clearly like pointed. I think the coolest thing you can do is to actually just post whatever you would have posted without the person. Um because you forging a relationship or like immediately dating when you don't want to be doing that or like hooking up with people just so that your ex will find out that is um a telltale sign that you're not over them and it's kind of obvious when people do that. So I think the cooler thing to do is to not try to make your ex jealous at all cuz then they'll start being like wait why does this person not care? Cuz they are probably thinking of you as like um maybe like a backup or something. I don't know. Or like not a backup. sorry, I don't want to like dehumanize you cuz that's not what you are. But in the back of their heads, they're like, you know, if this rebound doesn't work out because again, they probably don't know them that well yet. Um, then I can just go back to my ex. So, the scariest thing for people is to feel like you're leaving or you're going. So, you should go and like emotionally detangle yourself from wanting to make some them mad because you don't you're better than that. Like, you're cooler than that. If I'm like down bad over someone or if I'm like going through it, I think of like how someone like Paris Hilton or people that just like actually don't care. Like the people that are like, I don't care about any of this. How would they handle a situation that you're in? Um especially if it's with a man. I hope it's not with a man, but well actually I guess I don't care. They are just like think of all like the cringy things that they did or like you know it's just like you're cooler than that.

[00:22:10]And there was a time before you even knew that person and you were fine. So, you don't need that person. You're going to be fine. I promise. But I know that it's tempting. Help me get over my evil ex situationship I've decided to be friends with for some reason. Well, you shouldn't have done that. Like, I think that the best way to handle a situationship is to get out of it. First of all, but also the fact that there's some evil ex situationship obviously been there. I think we all know. I've always been I've been there before. I think it's just tempting to stay friends with them to like keep the peace or to believe that they can be something that they can't. So I think it's like tempting for people to be like, "Okay, fine. Let's just like we can just be friends. Like let's take the pressure of like dating off of the table, but in reality like you this is someone that you had feelings for and clearly put you through something that they shouldn't have. So I think it's more just like wanting to like fix what they did or like believe that you're worthy of being in their life um even though they're not worthy of being in your life. So, you should not be friends with an evil ex situationship. You should not because they that gives them like a free pass to be exonerated of everything they've done to you basically. And I think the cooler thing to do is just like to leave the situation. Um, I don't think you should be friends with them because I but I get that it's tempting because it's like, oh, I'll just take like a little bit of them if I can't. you know, obviously it didn't work out and you probably don't want to date them either. I don't know.

[00:23:36]I'm just assuming like if you actually think about like the logistics like do you want to date someone that was your evil ex situationship? No. You probably just like want to believe that like about the good parts of them can just be there all the time if you're just friends because you know you wouldn't be in a situationship with someone that doesn't have some good fun parts and obviously you liked them but friendship with someone that hurt you is not usually it's usually not going to work out and I think you deserve to hold that space in your life for someone that can treat you well and like a having like a good partner that is worthy of your time and being friends with someone that hurt you or like an evil act situationship, it just wastes your time cuz it's going to end badly. You guys are going to hook up or something and it's going to be bad.

[00:24:30]So, you don't need to keep someone like that in your life. Anxiously being attached to an avoidant. Okay. I Yeah, I think we've all read the book Attached. And if you haven't, you definitely should read the book cuz it's like good to know where you land on like the scale of anxious to avoidance. But in between anxious and avoidant is secure. So everyone's goal is to be secure. And by the way, your attachment style is not permanent and it can change with different partners or different phases of your life. I I watched this video recently that was like just because you if you already have identified your attachment style like let's say you're avoidant and you're like scared of commitment and you're scared to like open up to someone you are allowed to pretend at least in your head to be secure um and your actions can be secure. So just because you are not secure like actually you can do secure actions which are like having vulnerable conversations that are uncomfortable for you to have. Um I think that if you're anxiously attached you can at least and you can recognize that you have to think in your head like what would a secure person do in this situation that way I can take steps to become better. I think that if you just like use an umbrella term and be like, "Oh, well, I'm attached, so I'm always going to be like this in relationships," but you don't have to be. You can change and you can at least through your actions be more secure and be healthier in relationships. So, I think that like obviously classically like anxious and avoidant people aren't really a good match usually, but they both can take steps to make the relationship better by at least doing secure actions and becoming aware of maybe the blockages that they have in relationships. So, I think that just like writing down what actually is the root of your anxiety in your relationship with this person um and logically thinking about it instead of emotionally thinking about it is the best way to go. That way you can like make decisions that you're proud of instead of acting out of emotion. How to stop comparing yourself to others. This is like the hardest thing ever I've realized. But actually, not really. I don't know why I started it like that.

[00:26:42]Comparison is I mean the classic quote is like it's a thief of joy but that it to me that is like so true. If you are constantly comparing yourself to someone you it's impossible to be happy. Um I don't really know the context of the question that you're asking but you just have to know that you have such unique qualities. They are irreplaceable to other people. And if you start even in your head like competing with someone that you know or like being like well this person has this and I don't you can identify what trait the person that you're comparing yourself to has that makes you feel insecure about yourself.

[00:27:18]So if it's their personality you can be like what about their personality makes me hate mine. You know self love is remembering that you deserve to take up space and you deserve to you are singular. You are your own person. No one else on this earth is exactly like you. That is a special thing about you.

[00:27:36]And even if you don't believe that right now, you have to walk around the earth as if you do. So you got to fake it till you make it, honestly. And then eventually confidence comes. I feel like that's kind of what I did before I became confident. Like I I didn't I don't think deep down I felt confident, but I knew the way a confident person would like walk into a room or like I knew what they would do because I was like I don't know. When I was 18, I would like fake confidence until I randomly actually became confident because if you are embodying habits of confidence and self-love, eventually it comes. So, it doesn't really go. You don't just people don't just wake up being confident or having self-love. It's a practice through your habits. Um, I think that the first thing you can do is like do the inner work of like, okay, I'm comparing myself to other people. That means I'm insecure about something. What can I control? because other people's actions and what they wear and what they look like and what they who are they're hanging out with that is out of your control. So, what can you control? And I don't know, for me that's like making a schedule every day and like doing the things that I don't really maybe feel like doing like cleaning or working out or cooking myself food. And then once I'm like it's like basically a pyramid of like your needs versus like your wants. So, you have to start off with your needs. like you're eating. You have to like eat. You have to cook yourself dinner. Then it's like cook like cleaning and then like routine schedule goals. I know there's a pyramid. I'm sorry. I'm not really sure. I can't remember what it's called, but I learned about this in school. And you cannot you physically cannot have self or like feel like you are um on a journey to growth or like loving yourself until your basic needs are met. So, first of all, it's like focus from the ground up and then we can, you know, get to the what would a person that like loves herself do today? And you can kind of just like do that every day and like ask yourself that question. And yeah, I think just like embodying someone who you think has a lot of self- loveve and confidence and eventually it that will come to you as well. What do you do if you have a crush on your friend?

[00:29:46]You have to tell them, I think, or else you'll be miserable and then you'll like if they ever start dating someone, you're going to like resent yourself for not like saying something earlier. I think that you have to like shoot your shot at least once or like be overtly flirty or like not even Yeah, just like at make it known that you like them um at least once and then if they say no, be like, "Oh my god, totally good. We're totally cool." But that way you don't hate your life. It's like Taylor's a song's room in the friendship because you don't want something to happen and you regret and you have to be in their wedding or something and you're like sad for the rest of your life.

[00:30:22]Mutual friend of a past situationship is interested and I kind of want to give it a go. What's your take though?

[00:30:28]I guess it depends on like how long ago the situationship was and how close they are. Obviously, there's a lot of like X factors in this question. Um, but I think in general, if you're going to go for someone that you think that someone else will be upset about, you have to like decide how much you value the relationship that will be upset. So, like, let's just say if you go for the mutual friend of a situationship, is it worth losing that person's respect? Um, and if you don't care, then go for it.

[00:30:58]But if it's not worth it to you, or if it's too much drama than it's worth, don't go for it because you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Am I using like a lot of metaphors in this episode?

[00:31:08]I feel like I'm like really like doing like kind of like boomer sayings today.

[00:31:12]Moving on from an ex that I was trauma bonded to.

[00:31:15]I think a lot of at least in the beginning of a breakup, it's a lot of like just craving someone's presence in your life or like feeling alone. I feel like anytime I'm going through a breakup, the times I miss them the most are like the very morning when I wake up or like at night when I'm going to bed because I think I miss like cuddling or something and that's like oxytocin. So I think that you need to be nice to yourself and understand that you are human and like in our caveman brains we don't really want to be alone really cuz that means like danger. So have empathy for yourself. And I think honestly also being honest with your own heart and brain about how you're feeling is the quickest way to get over it. Because if you're like in denial that you miss someone that is wrong for you, then it's never going to be a possibility for you to get over them. I think that especially if you if you're saying it's a trauma bond, then I think that at least you're conscious of the fact that this person isn't good for you. I'm assuming. and even you being conscious of that is the first step to getting over it. So, I think that keeping handy like a list of reasons why it wasn't going to work out between this you and this person is really important and refer back to it anytime you feel tempted to like text them. I think in general it's best to hold yourself to a no contact rule and remember that if you get back with them it's not going to make any difference. I think play you can play it forward in your brain and be like okay let's just say this person comes back to me in my life and then they are acting like normal for a week what would happen a year from now would that person still be normal probably not cuz you broke up for a reason so I think if you like play it forward play the tapes forward and kind of like imagine a life with them it's probably not that good and you probably are better off you are better off without them so I think that a lot of it is just craving intimacy and touch and feeling that like love that you get from a partner. But I think you have to do like the inner child work of like understanding what it is about this person that you keep going back to, especially if you're in a trauma bond.

[00:33:23]Um, and you need to break free from that tie with someone that isn't good for you. How do I start dating girls? I'm by curious, but I don't know how to flirt with girls. It's honestly the same as flirting with um actually maybe it's not but in I guess maybe it's not because I do feel like with men they are kind of wired to like pursue you but when it's two girls both of you are from society are like wired to be kind of like the one being pursued. So it gets like a little bit fuzzy and hard to harder to like navigate because you don't want to be creepy. I think that's like the biggest fear girls have like I don't want to be creepy. Um, but everyone is flattered by flirting. I think that you don't have to worry about being creepy as long as you're doing it respectfully.

[00:34:05]Um, I think just being clear that you are being flirty by not like treating them like a friend. So like maybe a light like touch on their hand or like something like a little bit like that a friend wouldn't do or like just like being like super making eye contact with them a lot and like being really engaged in the things that they say listening to them more than you talk like asking them questions and like being like ooh like a little bit like having like a little bit spice in the conversation.

[00:34:36]That way it's clear that it's not just platonic. I think that women are more emotionally in tune. So, they probably will pick up pretty fast that you are flirting with them. And you don't have to like say out loud, I'm flirting with you. Like, just be cool. You know, just classic dating advice of like how to flirt with someone applies also here.

[00:34:56]And it's not that I swear it's not that scary cuz girls are nicer. Even if they aren't interested, they're going to be nicer to you than maybe a man would. How do I keep my ex blocked?

[00:35:07]Okay. I have been in both scenarios in relationships. So, something that help like I've been the one that's um been like not into someone at all and they keep like pursuing me, but like we could have had a thing if they didn't act a certain way and then I just kind of like got turned off by them. Or I've been the person that was a little bit more anxiously attached to someone that wasn't um it wasn't going to work out with. So, anytime I'm like about to do something or like I don't know like anytime I'm like fantasizing about someone or I'm like how do I not go back to someone that I shouldn't or how do I act in a way that will make the person respect me instead of like thinking that I'm like I don't know an anxious ex-girlfriend. I think of like what would make me respect the person the people that I've ended things with after we've ended like what mistakes did they make? So like I don't know like for example there was one person that I dated for like or like I was kind of seeing them like last year for like a little bit and after we ended I ended things with this person and then afterwards they would like kind of just like get drunk and text me and stuff which I thought was funny. Like I don't obviously don't mind it cuz I like it cuz it feels good to me but it was making me be like oh damn I have this person like wrapped around my finger. So that kind of I always think like what could I'm just going to make up a name for that person. What could Daisy have done last year after breaking up with them that would make me want Daisy back?

[00:36:39]And then that's kind of how I navigate my relationships moving forward. So like I kind of just like play it out in my head of like what would like if if Daisy for some reason blocked me. I don't we didn't end on that term so I don't know why Daisy would. Would Daisy unblocking me and then reblocking me and then looking at my profile and like messaging me weird things but then going away for a while, would that make me respect Daisy? No. What would make me respect Daisy is if Daisy blocked me, I would let Daisy keep me blocked because that would be like, "Oh, at least Daisy has boundaries and I know that and goodbye Daisy." So, I think that just imagining yourself as like a character or like looking at your relationship like it's two characters is really helpful to like understand like what a normal situation is like and what to do because you don't want to be crazy by like unblocking and blocking like that just screams immature and like your boundaries aren't really real to you. So, once you set a boundary, stick to your boundary. I know it's easier said than done, but that's the only way to get respect from people is by being clear about your boundaries and sticking to them and not folding because you want dopamine on a Saturday night and you want your ex to give you attention. You need to stick to your boundaries that you've set. How to not obsess about girls not texting you back.

[00:37:54]You have to put the phone down. You have to put the phone down. Think about like a busy era of your life like or when you are not even looking at your phone really.

[00:38:04]And you need to embody that again because then you won't even notice that someone isn't texting you back. Like if you are noticing that stuff and it's actually bothering you, that is a sign that you are putting too much value into this person and you're putting them on a pedestal that they never deserve to be on. Also, people don't have to know that they're not texting you back. It's like you can still have your self-worth and the dopamine that you got from them texting you in the beginning in the first place without them texting you back cuz they are not exter that again goes back to external validation like that is dopamine. That's just a hit of dopamine.

[00:38:38]It's not real. There was a time in your life again before you knew this person.

[00:38:42]So they them texting you should not be like a roller coaster wave or else you're going to get overly attached to someone that the connection you guys have is like heightened because they're there one minute and then gone the next.

[00:38:55]So you already had value before they texted you and you have value even if they're not texting you. I think those memes of like the things that your friends are having you do when you're like getting actively ghosted are so funny. Like I don't know. I was going through like a situationship like argument on the boat in Tulum and we were seeing dolphins and I was like, "Oh my god, like the best like this is like the best thing ever I've ever seen." But my dopamine was like lessened because I was in an argument with a situationship and I remember thinking like, "Oh my god, like this doesn't matter. My phone, it's just a box and it doesn't matter." And dopamine hits are not what you want to center your life around. And it shouldn't feel like you're on a high sometimes. And then when they're not texting you back, you're like sad. So because that's like not a good way to live your life. How to avoid resenting a friend. So resentment comes when communication dies. Oh my god, did I just like someone write that down? That was a good quote.

[00:40:00]But like resentment builds the less you communicate with someone your needs or your boundaries or the things that you are upset with them for. Um it's easier to like nip something in the bud in the butt. Yeah. By saying something out loud. Like if you see something, say something hashtag. So like if someone if some someone is doing is bothering you, you have to tell them or else they can't fix it. Um and it's not fair to like just start secretly hating your friend.

[00:40:26]and you don't want to lose a friendship over maybe it's small but it's like snowballing into something bigger. I think that you should definitely call them out on whatever is going on. But if it's gotten past the point of being fixable, then it is okay to like let a friendship go. I think sometimes it's okay. You guys are maybe growing in different directions. But I think if it's something fixable, then you can definitely repair it by talking about it. And conflict is like uncomfortable, especially for someone like me. Um, I grew up avoiding conflict and like my entire family, we would avoid conflict.

[00:41:00]It's just like we didn't I don't know.

[00:41:02]It was just like we didn't really talk about the awkward things. And if that's how you are too, you have to kind of break that habit by practice. And having like a designated time to like talk it out with your friend will just usually make you guys closer. So that goes for romantic relationships, too. It's better to address the issue head on instead of making it bigger and bigger and bigger by avoiding it. So yeah, resentment is the worst and it's like very hard to come back from that. So it's better to do it early before it even gets to that point. All right, guys. I have a shoot tonight for something very exciting. Oh, also tomorrow I am interviewing the cast of a new Netflix show. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say what it is, but yeah, I feel like I've have a couple exciting things going on soon. So, um, look out for that. And I can't wait for you guys to see the shoot that I'm doing tonight.

[00:41:57]I'm literally so excited. Um, okay, I have to go get ready for my shoot, but I love you girls. Okay, goodbye.