Women Want Leaders… But Fight Men For Control

Added: 2026-05-09

[00:00:00]Um, also I feel like because I'm newly single, right, and I've um recently separated from my partner, right? What I'm noticing now is like now that I'm separated, I'm on my own. I'm like miss independent, right? So it's like >> you're an adult, >> right? So it's like before I had that security, but now I got to make sure things get done. I don't have that blanket to fall back on. Right. Right.

[00:00:22]>> So I feel like with the disconnection that I'm seeing right now with myself, with, you know, dating is that It's hard for me to let that up, that independence. Like, you know, that black man, he wants you to, you know, be submissive. Oh, listen to He wants to be the leader, but it's like >> I'm not willing to give that. Like, I'm not willing to allow you to lead me.

[00:00:44]Like, you really have to show me. And then like, you know, you do that in in your last relationship.

[00:00:51]>> What? Like a leader?

[00:00:52]>> Submissive.

[00:00:54]>> Um, what?

[00:00:56]>> Huh?

[00:00:56]>> She got ass. Yeah, if you got to ask the answer, the answer is clearly no. I mean, like [laughter] >> I feel like he lead me with certain things like cuz I feel like one person can't only be a leader. You're not an expert in everything, right? There's some things that I may be an expert in and he may feel comfortable with me leading and then, you know, vice versa.

[00:01:19]>> I led that [ __ ] if I'm being honest.

[00:01:22]>> Yeah, I did. See, that's that's what makes it tough. And this is why I think it's hard. Like Rich said, [clears throat] >> we have different plates and we're not understanding each other. So on your end, you're saying most women like you say that they want a traditional man.

[00:01:34]They want to they want the provider man.

[00:01:36]They want the man to pay all the bills and stuff like that.

[00:01:38]>> No, I'm just saying in general like that's what most women 80% of women if you ask them if they going to stay the same. Um they always say down with the patriarchy, but then they want patriarchal.

[00:01:46]>> That's not what you said though.

[00:01:47]>> Is it? Y'all hear something else?

[00:01:49]>> It's a juicy. [laughter] You say you say you you you want to live a soft life.

[00:01:54]>> I do. I do want to live a soft life. I don't want to have to be out here. Two jobs. Two jobs.

[00:02:00]>> I guess I mean own it.

[00:02:02]>> Yeah. So, right. So, what I'm saying is >> we keep holding men to their their traditional gender roles. Even though we women keep saying down with the patriarchy and patriarchy, we need to dismantle the patriarchy, but we keep holding men up to their traditional gender roles. But then on the other end, we're not the men are not getting rewarded by the same traditional women.

[00:02:19]Like the women don't want to be feminine. They don't want to be soft.

[00:02:21]They don't want to be submissive. They don't want to do this. They want to fight them. They they feel like they want to be the leaders as well. So it's like men are looking back like damn like we're not getting the same treatment or the same type of the quality of women that our grandfather was getting or great-grandfathers getting because now they want to compete with us. So it's like that's what the disconnect I think is happening like you know.

[00:02:39]>> But I don't think it's that like I'm trying to compete. But would I be a good woman if I allowed you to go down a wormhole that I know is like not the best way? Like that's not me competing with you. That's me just showing up and you know giving my feedback because as a woman like I want to make sure if my man came home from work and working 12 hours a day, the house is clean. You have cooked food. Like I want to make sure that when you come home all you got to do is unpack.

[00:03:07]>> You feel like that. But do you feel like that every day? Cuz you have to work every day. because that's my love language, right? But then you have the man say, "I don't need you to cook for me every day. I I could feed myself." So it's like, >> so that's what I'm saying. Yeah. I want this hypothetical pay all the bills and then still not want you to do anything.

[00:03:23]Like you know what I'm saying? That was that was your last relationship.

[00:03:27]>> Yes. But he said that he said, "I don't need you to do all those things."

[00:03:29]>> Can I ask Can I ask why it didn't work?

[00:03:31]>> Huh?

[00:03:31]>> Can I ask why it didn't work?

[00:03:32]>> I think um it just it just was like the love was just not there at the end of the day. like on who side >> I feel like maybe I may have let go.

[00:03:42]>> I would let go a lot sooner, but I feel like I was just not a I I just didn't want to bend.

[00:03:48]>> I don't understand how he wanted you to have three or four jobs, but then he telling you you ain't got to cook and clean and stuff like that.

[00:03:53]>> You were saying that >> you was dependent on him. You know what I'm saying? Because >> Wait, when you say dependent, what you talking about?

[00:04:00]>> Because you said now that you're single, you don't have that that >> No, like that security because you have a partner. The same way like if something goes wrong with me, I'm his security blanket. He could always come to me and so it's vice versa.

[00:04:11]>> Yes. It's like he could always it's like if something go wrong for me, I got to make it up. If I need to vent or you know who am I venting to? Who do I feel safe enough to really be vulnerable? So when I say like depending on him like I don't have that >> I had like a 50-50 relationship.

[00:04:25]>> We no 50/50. It just made sense. Like 50/50 looks different for everyone in >> in their relationship, right? And it doesn't only mean financial. I'm talking about like different aspects of 50/50 like you know uh whatever you want to call it. But it was >> well I guess you could say it was 50/50 then.

[00:04:46]>> I don't know 5050. I feel like >> well we not only talking about finances we talking about >> is transactional.

[00:04:53]>> Um expecting someone to give you 50/50 is not realistic. I'm 8020. You get what I'm saying? Or just knowing who you Yes.

[00:05:01]Because not all adult >> Wait wait wait. What you mean you 8020?

[00:05:04]>> No, I get it because every day I I want to hear I want to hear what you mean by 8020. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[00:05:09]>> So, >> realistically, every day I cannot commit to meeting you halfway.

[00:05:14]>> Mhm.

[00:05:15]>> There are some days that I may fall short.

[00:05:18]>> Then there's some days that I'm going to go above and beyond.

[00:05:21]>> So 50/50 to me is very transactional.

[00:05:24]You get what I'm saying? It it's like forcing me to meet you at a place that I may not be able to meet you. And that is like maybe will cause some type of resentment or struggle.

[00:05:34]>> Right?

[00:05:34]>> So it's very important for you to understand where I'm at without me having to explain that.

[00:05:39]>> Mhm.

[00:05:40]>> 80 20 10 30 like it. You get what I'm saying? Like it varies. Now consistency is key. I'm not going to say that it's 30 days in a month. You're not going to have to you're not going to get 20% of me out of 25 of those days. You get what I'm saying? I'm going to make sure that I'm fair because that's type person I am. But I'm also realistic and 5050 to me >> I don't agree with that.

[00:06:00]>> Yeah, we we we we tend to go with the 100 100 in a relationship. You know what I'm saying?

[00:06:06]>> That way if you lacking some days I pick it up. If I'm lacking some days, you pick it up. You know what I'm saying?

[00:06:11]And that goes across the board. It could be financially, could be emotionally, whatever. You know what I'm saying? It just it depends on what that relationship needs at that time.

[00:06:19]>> You know what I'm saying?

[00:06:20]>> Um >> what was the question again?

[00:06:22]>> Or the disconnect between black disconnect. the disconnect.

[00:06:25]>> You wanted to say something real correct.

[00:06:26]>> No, I I I like that. I like I like the 100 thing because I was simp >> just to be short and quick like me and my shorty the >> first of all. First of all, fiance me and my fiance and my fiance.

[00:06:40]>> I got I got you. I got you. Don't mean like NOTHING ELSE OVER HERE, MAN.

[00:06:45]>> YES. YES.

[00:06:46]>> No more spilling over here, man. What's wrong with you, man?

[00:06:48]>> Thank you, Eli. I got you. I got I just I'm just so used to saying short story short, but me and my fiance um I would say we are 100 15050 when it comes to bills, when it comes to just household chores, whatever.

[00:07:02]>> Shout out to her.

[00:07:02]>> And yeah, shout out to her. I looked out.

[00:07:04]>> She Beijing by the way. [laughter] >> I looked out. Um and it's like I just feel like it's it's it's less about numbers and more of a mindset, right?

[00:07:14]>> You know what I mean? Like like like since you brought up mindsets and all that, it's really like >> bro it's like people hate to use the word partnership and all that but like >> why is that [laughter] >> who who is people like >> a lot of people don't like it's not a partnership it's a it's a union or whatever it may some people >> the same thing how people try to like I'm I'm lucky in the sense that I don't have a partner who who views it as no my man has to do this and it's only on him to do this you You know what I mean? Like >> it's not like that at all. And I think that if I think people would have a lot happier relationships >> if if everybody had that mindset. It's like, "Oh, >> rent is rent is $1,000.

[00:07:56]>> 500 for you, 500 for me. Hey, babe. I can't do 500 this month. Don't worry. I got you."

[00:08:01]>> You know what I mean?

[00:08:02]>> That's partnership.

[00:08:03]>> Make sure you pay me back next month though.

[00:08:05]>> You know what I mean? Like like like like I'm just saying like and they they going to call you sassy for saying that.

[00:08:10]>> I don't give a [ __ ] Like expecting your woman to give you back, pay you back.

[00:08:15]>> The thing is the thing is the thing is and when I said pay me back, I'm talking about both sides. Like like you know what I mean? Like I'm talking about both sides. You don't have to have her engage cuz a lot of time when you say you going to pay somebody back especially between me and her it's like you cover it in something else. It's like oh well you ain't never give me this money like you pay for this dinner type [ __ ] like what whatever it may be. Like you know what I mean? Like I think people try to put too many rules on stuff in their relationship and that's why people don't end up happy. Like we don't I don't care if somebody call me sassy. I don't care if somebody tell >> Yeah.

[00:08:45]>> How much does your opinion matter in my life?

[00:08:47]>> It don't.

[00:08:48]>> Just saying.

[00:08:49]>> Okay.

[00:08:50]>> Part. Yeah. I I think the solution is um like I was talking to I was actually talking to my mom about this actually cuz she um she's married but she be watching the show just to support whatever the case.

[00:09:00]>> You answer the question first though.

[00:09:01]>> No, no, no. I'm saying Oh, I thought I answered it before. I didn't.

[00:09:03]>> Did the disconnect? What's the biggest?

[00:09:05]>> I was saying the disconnect because of the gender roles.

[00:09:07]>> Agree with the play.

[00:09:08]>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. with the gender roles and stuff like that. So now [laughter] I'm saying like I think the solution is that >> I think people are getting tired of the gender wars conversation like you know what I mean? But I I think it's just both part it's just both parties expressing their frustrations and it's like it's like siblings like some we going sometimes you might say the worst of the worst to your your siblings and y'all going to fight and bump heads but once y'all get it out then y'all going to come to some type of rec like some some uh reconciliation for the most part not King situation definitely you know what I mean but for the most I think we get to the part where everybody's releasing their frustrations on both sides >> right [laughter] >> and then once we get rid of all the frustrations then I think everybody's going to at some point we going to come to We going to have to realize, yo, we got to we got to fix this [ __ ] Like, you know what I'm saying?

[00:09:50]>> Understanding each other's plight.

[00:09:51]>> Yeah. Like, we we have to fix this [ __ ] Like, cuz if not, we going to continue to have destruction in our community. We going to continue to let the Yans run the community. We going to continue to let do that culture run the community.

[00:09:59]We going to keep continuing the nuclear.

[00:10:02]We don't have nuclear families no more.

[00:10:03]We don't got the communities like we used to have no more. So, at some point, we going to have to look in the mirror, both black men and black women, and be like, "Yo, we got to fix this shit."

[00:10:09]Like, you know what I mean? So, >> me personally, >> I think the the biggest disconnect is the healing in our community. You know what I'm saying?

[00:10:17]>> I think people >> are not taking the time to heal before they get in relationships.

[00:10:22]>> And you know they say hurt people hurt people.

[00:10:24]>> Y >> you get in relationships and you hurting the the one that you in a relationship with. You know what I'm saying? So I think people need to take the time to heal themselves before they get in relationships >> cuz it's a lot of trauma that we go through especially in the black community. Even when she was talking about earlier with her his mom talking about oh she used to do everything. You can't expect your woman to do every especially when she giving life. She bringing life into this world. Know what I mean? And um what's it maternity leave is like three months or something like it's it's ridiculous. I mean it's >> six to eight weeks maybe nine.

[00:10:55]>> Yeah. It's ridiculous. I mean to think your your your woman could could carry could carry a life for nine months and then go back to work in a month and a half. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know what I mean? You really got to um heal and stop expecting your your parents from your spouse. Like, even with women, they dads. Oh, my dad did this. My grandfather did this. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm trying to hear that. Like, we in a different time is it's different problems, different issues that we facing. You got to meet your partner where they at and give.

[00:11:25]>> I never understood that grand my grandfather, my great bro, they worked factory jobs like no college degree.

[00:11:31]know they worked a a post office job and had three they were supporting three families like you know [laughter] what I'm saying like yo I don't want to hear none of that like you know what I mean so and I I do think too we we pedestalize like other these relationships that we see on TV so we not understanding that most people in the world >> they cooperate with each other as far as family like the husband and like you know what I mean and even if it was even if the the the man is taking care of all the bills they live a certain lifestyle she's not getting a Louis bag and a vacation they might they might have to move somewhere else So again, we we have this mentality in our community that we have to live like the Joneses. So not only do he has to pay for everything, he also got to take me on vacations. He also got to buy me these luxurious goods whenever I want. He got to get my hair done, my nails done, everything did like. So that's a lot of pressure we're put on to men. That's unrealistic. Like you know, only the top 10 maybe less than 10% of men can actually afford that lifestyle. So you know, so if there if you want to stay at home or you want your all your bills paid, maybe we have the conversation, listen, we might have to move outside of New York. Like if you want that lifestyle, you might have to move somewhere else where it's more affordable for us to have that. And if you're not willing to compromise or you feel like I can't leave New York or like my lifestyle, I want a Beamer and a Bentley and all this other stuff, then you're not trying to build longevity like or or or a generational wealth.

[00:12:43]Like you looking to just get pampered at you looking for a father at this point.

[00:12:47]Lot sometimes a lot of women, they sound like they want a father. They don't want a man, they want a father. Like you know what I mean? So I I don't know,