Are We Jealous Of Lonely People?

[00:00:03]Hello and welcome to Get a Grip with me, Andera Scandlin, and me, Vicky Patterson. This is the podcast where we get loud about the realities of womanhood and basically dive head first into the chaos of life. So, if you're sick of being told to pipe down or calm down, or dare I say it, get then you're exactly where you need to be. Grab a drink, pull up a chair, whip off your brand. Let's get into it.

[00:00:23]>> How you doing, Chippy? [ __ ] sweating me tits off. Fatless butt arm full of hell. But we love you like this.

[00:00:30]>> It's just this is you in your favorite mode.

[00:00:33]>> Me your my favorite mode of you.

[00:00:36]>> Yeah. I am not having a good time.

[00:00:38]>> We get like that's a doorbell and it's somebody presumably bringing another delivery. Is it a doorbell? Yeah, I think so. Why not? I think every time the doorbell rings, [laughter] what's happening?

[00:00:52]>> The two.

[00:00:53]>> I thought it was like a jingle. Like a ding ding. Next door.

[00:00:56]>> Are you [ __ ] But listen, >> that's it.

[00:00:59]>> Is that what that was?

[00:01:00]>> That's another vape for Vicki.

[00:01:02][laughter] There's Mars bars.

[00:01:05]>> Excuse me.

[00:01:06]>> Not Mars bars.

[00:01:06]>> There's not even a [ __ ] bell.

[00:01:08]>> Okay. I thought it was a bell. You're right.

[00:01:11]>> It sounded like it's been a long month.

[00:01:13]It's been a long year. That's what I feel like. And also what nobody really warns you about is that the end of the summer or the beginning of the summer means the end of the year. [laughter] >> Hell of not [gasps] help >> like school. Okay. Toddlers crying about the last day in forest school and big kids having a band practice and a bloody dance recital and moving up classes and meeting new teachers and parents drinks and all of the things and I honestly this is before I even get out of bed.

[00:01:49]>> Okay, so I'm getting that you're overwhelmed and at the end of the school year comes with a lot of things like like sports days and I miss sports day.

[00:02:00]>> Roy did well. Do you want to talk about it?

[00:02:03]>> No. Cuz here's the thing. You realize, okay, I work for myself. I'm anticipating and working towards a holiday at the end of the week.

[00:02:12]>> Yeah.

[00:02:13]>> And >> but that comes with sacrifice.

[00:02:15]>> So, I'm like doing all of the things so that I can have time off, but it happens to coincide with like the wrapping up of. So, >> you're missing stuff.

[00:02:25]>> Yeah. It's really hard. And when you're keeping I always feel like when you're keeping one plate in the air and doing spectacularly well with one thing, it's inevitable that the others fall to the wayside and like it's not like we're 15 anymore, mate. It's not like we're 25.

[00:02:42]It's not like, oh, I was with my boyfriend so I didn't get to go out with my friends at the weekend. It's actually huge great big important things. Like when I'm focusing on work, my career, my ambition, my drive, the thing I've worked my whole life towards, I feel like it wasn't there for my kids and that feeling is really real and you're allowed to process it and sit with it and be angry or be sad or deal with it however you want.

[00:03:05]>> Yeah.

[00:03:05]>> So you can you can Oh my god, I've not I've >> been milling chocolate like a [ __ ] I've literally been eating it for breakfast. Cheetos never happier than when I'm eating. Tell me that's still not the same bag from >> God. [ __ ] me. I was like, Jesus, I dusted that that day.

[00:03:21]>> No, but they are. There's something magical about those toxic little neon bites.

[00:03:26]>> Addictive. I love anything toxic. Today I've done a galaxy ripple, a bagel, two baguettes, some great big raisin bun, and I have a pastel dinette. I own a bag of crisp.

[00:03:39]>> I love a pastel.

[00:03:40]>> So do I. But I am I'm fit to pop, mate.

[00:03:44]Like sometimes you got to go in.

[00:03:46]>> I know. It's >> like I don't know. Intermittent fasting.

[00:03:49]>> I I've never done that. I couldn't.

[00:03:51]>> It's like the breaking of it.

[00:03:52]>> Well, when you finally start eating.

[00:03:54]>> Yeah.

[00:03:55]>> Yeah. But I just think Do you intermittent fast not do that? Like >> Yeah, they do.

[00:03:58]>> Like, oh, you don't have any breakfast.

[00:04:00]But then I would just [ __ ] wall up two meals at lunch time.

[00:04:03]>> Yeah.

[00:04:03]>> So, I don't understand. It's >> because I don't know. It's something to do with um your body going into what they call autophagy. Autophagy, which is >> I don't I don't know. [laughter] Yeah.

[00:04:15]So, it's basically where like you're down and out. You haven't had anything to eat. Your brain, your body uh translates that as [ __ ] the bed. We need to like fix ourselves, get up and get back to hunting or we're we're going to die. So, any weakness in your body is fixed by the body so that you can get up and go after a lamb.

[00:04:41]>> Never mind history. And I feel like there's a science short in your future if I'm honest. It breaks down old, damaged or abnormal cellular parts and recycles them into new healthy components. So, which is exactly what I said in layman's terms, which is if you have a broken ankle and you get into full fast mode, your body recognizes that you're in danger of starving to death because you haven't eaten.

[00:05:07]Therefore, we must fix your ankle so you can get up off your hole and go find a deer.

[00:05:12]>> Oh, don't.

[00:05:13]>> Oh, no. Don't [ __ ] start crying now.

[00:05:16]>> I do love deers, though.

[00:05:17]>> I know, but they're so tasty. And >> I'm only joking. Is it venison? No, that's Yeah, look, I'm not into venison.

[00:05:25]I just did it to be a [ __ ] I'm so sorry. Shall we move on after the break?

[00:05:29]I am keen to talk to you about these new loneliness influencers.

[00:05:33]>> Oh, I wish I was lonely. before you will [laughter] in [music] the right since day.

[00:05:48]>> What have I missed?

[00:05:49]>> Take it away. What [singing] in the world has been going on? You know, I just as I sang that, I realized how like bruised my jaw feels. I had a massage last night. What a treat. I was like, "Oh my god, my body's in bits. My neck is crumpled." And then I said to her, "Rachel, unbelievable woman.

[00:06:14]Listen, lot of tension in the old jaw today, TMJ."

[00:06:18]>> I carry it there as well. I grab my teeth.

[00:06:20]>> Oh my god, I clamp like a mofo.

[00:06:22]>> Yeah. Yeah. Do you also hunch your shoulders, too?

[00:06:24]>> Everything. It's all connected like a little gremlin.

[00:06:27]>> I'm always so embarrassed when I get a massage and they get to me shoulders and they're like, "Oh, lots of tension there." trying to push them down like, >> "Yeah, just leave her. This is who I am.

[00:06:36]I'm shaped like a quason. Just [ __ ] off.

[00:06:37]>> Just leave me alone." No, actually, just straighten me out. Iron me out with a [ __ ] rolling pin. That's what I felt like last night. And I said to her, "Get stuck in." And she said, "Do you want me to have a go at the old jaw?"

[00:06:49]And I thought, "Oh my god, I really just expected like a moment of holistic healing." And I swear to Jesus, she had her paws in my mouth.

[00:06:58]>> No, I'm sorry. That's >> going open. And I WAS LIKE THAT. OH, AND she had like sticking very little thumbs strong like bull, but in she went.

[00:07:08][laughter] She's like little fingers up there in like holes that exist in somewhere there >> and like pulling it out to try and create space. She's like close close.

[00:07:20][screaming] Like honestly, I felt like it was an extraction.

[00:07:24]>> How did she put her fingers in your mouth?

[00:07:25]>> Yeah, >> that's not in a bu.

[00:07:29]So there's bal massage which I have talked waxily about previously and that it's gorgeous. It's like a gentler kind of massage of tension. This she's like oh this is trauma release >> trauma release. I was like babe it's [ __ ] Wednesday. Leave me alone.

[00:07:49]>> And so she put her little paws >> in my mouth and it was awful.

[00:07:54]>> Do you feel violated today? feel genuinely like I like I didn't sleep at all afterwards. I was like, "Oh my god, my face feels so soft."

[00:08:07]>> Like I hadn't felt cuz usually I have like a jaw that's >> sensating almost with tension.

[00:08:13]>> Oh my god, it was it was so painful. But apparently trauma release, we hold so much trauma and memory in our jaws.

[00:08:20]>> That's mad. I didn't even know that. It makes sense though. Like if you think clenching your jaw when you're stressed or angry, it's the >> Well, cuz I've seen some of these on Instagram. Like my algorithm is quite different to yours, but it like you'll see um this one guy literally doing this release where I think Shaniah Twain might have been on the bed roaring like gyating in pain.

[00:08:46]>> Starting to [laughter] sound a bit like a fever dream. Did any of this happen?

[00:08:51]>> Maybe [laughter] not. We do you know what we are going to talk about loneliness influencers. How you seen this on your Instagram? Talking about feeds I suppose like at the minute my Instagram it's normally always like fluffy animals unlikely animal friendships quite >> sad donkeys.

[00:09:07]>> No I don't like looking at them. Um a lot of um a lot of food. I get a lot of food and then holidays. That's normally my my algorithm. But what I've been served up a lot of recently and because I do sit and stare, it has translated that as interest is this like rise in the loneliness influencer.

[00:09:27]>> So I I've seen bits of this but I have not been served any of this.

[00:09:33]>> Have you not?

[00:09:33]>> So paint a picture.

[00:09:36]>> Okay. So it was first served to me in the form of this woman who um and like honestly I don't I can't remember her name. I can't remember her account, but she was like had a high-flying job like in the city within finance somewhere and just realized like it was absolutely not serving her. She was stressed out, overwhelmed, like not living the life she wanted to live. And I think something semi-traumatic happened that forced her to take a real good look at her life and ultimately a bit of a step back.

[00:10:05]>> So, she became a Tik Tocker. [laughter] Well, she became she basically now lives on her own in like I suppose you could describe it as a modest flat. It's very lovely, but like she is now a cleaner and like she goes from house to house cleaning, doing her job, comes back and she documents through like different social media platforms what that life looks like. She say she doesn't really have a social life. She doesn't have a lot of friends. her like ideal Friday night and weekends are spend cuz she gets up early coming home popping in like a little ready meal in the in the microwave watching what she wants reading a book unwinding and basically like I think I started watching these cuz I was a little bit like I was intrigued you know but I was like is this is this is this sad is this should I I feel it's like slow canal boating yeah like what am I what am I watching here and honestly I ended up feeling quite not what I expected but like quite quite jealous. I suppose >> I feel jealous.

[00:11:09]>> Yeah, I felt quite jealous like and I was like I don't know if that's what I'm meant to be feeling if like being on your own and this level of quiet if that's meant to be aspirational like it's being packaged as loneliness but this to me >> like uh microwave lasagna >> but yeah but on your own it sort of looked like heaven >> freedom.

[00:11:28]>> Yeah. And like if you think like we are doing a million and one things every day like rushing from one thing to the next being everything everyone else needs and quite frankly what we need what we want is often completely forgotten and redundant and there's something about these women it's not just this one.

[00:11:47]There's so many of them now coming home and like prioritizing their piece doing what they want watching below deck eating the frozen lasagna. like this feels actually advocating to be on their own. Something felt really powerful about it, >> but also it's kind of like sloth mode, right? It's like you put on your Udie.

[00:12:09]>> Udy.

[00:12:10]>> Udy.

[00:12:10]>> Udi. Do you know did a photo shoot for an Udie once. It's ended up on Amazon.

[00:12:15]People still send us the pictures of him in the Udie.

[00:12:18]>> See if I can find it for you. Huh?

[00:12:19]>> I do. You know where I went to sir when you said it's still on eBay. like this one udie that Urkan had sweated in doing the reigns being sold to people and I was like you look so comfortable when you're telling that story.

[00:12:32]>> Oh, I can't find it. It's such a shame.

[00:12:34]But I will get him to send me at some point. [laughter] >> Um, but I think it's like almost like the opposite of for the gram if you think of it. It's like a kickback to the polish that we've been seeing forever.

[00:12:48]Like what you're living life so that you can serve it up for public consumption.

[00:12:53]people who you've never seen, you'll never see again.

[00:12:56]>> Strangers, virtual strangers.

[00:12:58]>> And this feels like the kind of stuff that lives on the periphery that you do in private for nobody to see, like the ugly truth of a life kind of thing.

[00:13:09]Whereas actually, this is maybe taking back the power and going, I've got no friends. Yes, all you [ __ ] are looking like you're in all of the groups having picnics, having after drink after work drinks, then going on holidays together, da da da, which I think can feel if you don't have that incredibly um lonely.

[00:13:30]>> Lonely.

[00:13:31]>> Yeah, >> I I I agree. I think this is almost like an anti-movement and an an antidote to what we've all been aspiring to for for far too long, which I think we're all coming around to the idea that fundamentally sometimes these big group holidays or, you know, these like huge nights out or this glamorous lifestyle, it it can feel quite empty, quite vapid.

[00:13:56]>> And it's no wonder that people are exhausted from keeping up this charade like I am to a certain extent. And like I kind of love that we're embracing this side of things. It feels like this doesn't feel sad to me.

[00:14:12]>> It feels really powerful, but >> there's an element there as well. Is this just performative as well? In the same way this whole tradery movement is, you know, are these women actually sitting alone, you know, do they not have like exciting social lives outside of it or have they just realized this is an area of social media that they can capitalize on that they can market?

[00:14:34]Well, because it happens to coincide with like research that suggests that 82% of UK adults have experienced loneliness, which again I think is something that's only recently come to light. We've always associated loneliness with elderly people who have kind of, you know, lost partners, kids have up and gone, whatever.

[00:14:53]>> Their lives are smaller and you sort of expect that.

[00:14:55]>> Yeah. There's like isolation that that comes with age unfortunately in this country. Um but that idea that people are lonely like that our that we can feel loneliness and that we can admit to it cuz I think it often is quite a stigmatized thing. It's like you're lonely. What are you talking about? Do you have do you have no friends? And I think we've, you know, spoken about group chats and group holidays and we've had people in comments, gagglers who have been like, I don't have that group of friends that I can go on holidays with. I don't have a group of friends that I can go out with.

[00:15:37]And I think people are now openly saying, I've moved to a city. I found it really hard to connect with people. It is increasingly difficult to connect on a human level with people. Um although you feel so connected in other ways >> like I and you know if you look at some of these loneliness influences me that is a lot of the things you've just mentioned is is a lot of the things they sort of like focus on they they um they they preface almost in like the things it's like I moved to a new city for my job and I've got no friends so come with me and spend a lonely Friday evening in New York City.

[00:16:11]>> This is what a Friday night looks like when you're on your own >> when you've got no friends and stuff like that. And I think about women's lives and like it it we're it's very transitional, you know, and it's not always easy to find your tribe and and be on the same in the same place. Like I'm in I'm about to be in my 40s, mate.

[00:16:28]And I look at my group of friends, right? I've got lasses who are like still going out every weekend. Like maybe they've not found that right one or they've just come out of like a relationship that wasn't right and they find themselves again. They're trolling for tail in the big market. Do you know what I mean? And then I've got lasses who are married, who've got the kids and they do the football at the weekends, the gymnastics, and they're very settled and they're very And then I've also got women on the other side of it who've got divorced and are are finding their feet again. And it feels like that we're all in such different spaces in our lives.

[00:16:59]Like you you can see how women can feel lonely. They can feel like they're the the place they're at in life doesn't I don't doesn't it's not the same as their friends. is like that is a guaranteed way to feel like sort of on your own.

[00:17:12]>> Totally. Because we are moving at I suppose back in the day maybe there was a clearer cut timeline.

[00:17:20]>> We all did exactly the same thing at the same time as me. Look at me ma for example. Met me dad at 11, [ __ ] started going out at 14, engaged engaged at 19, married at 24, me at 29, me sister at 33, and all of our pals were doing it. All of our pals. So all your friends are in the same stage. Well, not anymore. And like I think that has a real profound effect on your friendships being in very different places. Like me and my mates will really have to struggle and make a real effort to relate to everybody's different. And I wonder if that's the thing is the effort like if if these loneliness influencers are actually romanticizing loneliness, which of course spending time alone is divine if you have it as a like if it does feel like a luxury particularly I imagine for parents at the moment.

[00:18:04]>> But It's an introvert's dream. It's a reality for so many of us, but it's also some like does it stop us from the reality of having to actually you've got to get up off your ars and get out. Like I know when I moved here, it's really easy to just go, "Oh, my friends live over there. I'm going to just come here, do my work." You have got to kind of make it. You've got to make Yeah. Like it's a bit like dating.

[00:18:32]>> So like dating. You can't sit at home and expect someone to knock on the door and that be a thing. Similarly with friendships, you've got to invest them.

[00:18:39]You've got to go and to places where people similar to you who are open to finding and building new relationships are also going. It's a bit like hot messers the walks that we started or like pottery club all these little kind of communities and and clubs and whether that's gagglers whether it's you find commonality in people who have a similar point of view or some sort of connection I guess I think the over writing feeling about this for me is when I first was exposed to this whole loneliness influencers movement is that I I felt like I should feel sorry for these women that's what I felt like should happen.

[00:19:17]And >> actually, I ended up feeling loads of other different things. Like, I felt envy for a split second because I never have a minute to myself. And like you say, being on your own, choosing what you do, >> focusing solely on yourself, just living for you, >> it feels like a luxury.

[00:19:33]>> But then also, I felt like an element of an element of like, is this performative? Is this really how they're living or we just falling into another triedwife movement and they're not really doing it? And finally, I felt like this should galvanize people >> to a certain extent. Two things can exist. You can have those lovely at home moments and live for yourself and you don't have to be dating some knobheaded, you know, you don't have to be out every night. You can enjoy your own company and there's real power in that. But also, don't forget what life is about.

[00:20:04]And that is human connection. It is female friendships. It's romantic moments. It's all of these things. And I think don't allow this movement that looks really delicious and tempting on the surface to stop you having these great experiences >> or to give up on to let to allow you to give up on the potential for those.

[00:20:24]>> Yeah.

[00:20:25]>> Some of my I know some people mate right in the like 40s and there's a sense of like and I think cuz the dating landscape and the the everything and friendships it's all just changed so much hasn't it? We used to go out to bars and meet people and we used to, you know, everything was so life out loud.

[00:20:40]And now because it's all online, it's it's a real transition. I think it takes a second to get used to it. And it's funny like I always notice they seem very set in their ways, how they want to do things, when they want to do things, everything on their terms. And I think if you allow too much of that, you can end up quite lonely and it not being in a performative sense. And I worry about that cuz if there's a male loneliness epidemic, there's got to be a female loneliness one. Surely.

[00:21:06]>> Yeah. I I do wonder though if part of the appeal of this is that we've been not performing friendships, but like if you go out with your girls, it didn't happen unless it's documented. You know, these the kind of collective these moments of togetherness, if you like, are done for the gram in a bit like how we were talking about the performative holidays, right?

[00:21:31]>> Of course. And then luxury is always the opposite of what is mainstream if you think about it. So like everyone's busy, everyone's upset, everyone's moving, moving, moving. So the current luxury is to be offline, to be actually afforded the luxury of being offline where you do not have to share any of your [ __ ] because actually you're living on a [ __ ] farm in your bare feet.

[00:21:53]>> Yeah.

[00:21:53]>> Carving. But you always just crave what you haven't got, don't you? And so we've been forcefed this narrative for so long that success is >> people around you 24/7 >> being on the go glamorous nights out being surrounded by people that is success >> and actually I think it's quite >> quite nice that there's this rise of this other alternative which is just less performative all about you and what you need and very peaceful >> and a microwave meal on a Friday night which has the depiction of like Bridget Jones, sad woman, blah blah blah.

[00:22:30]>> Like the worst, bleak almost, but like >> glorious.

[00:22:35]>> Honestly, I'm [ __ ] >> like it's full basic [ __ ] And I maybe think that's the thing. You're like, actually, I don't want all the shiny filtered [ __ ] that's a bit hollow and empty.

[00:22:46]I quite like to just go home and have a [ __ ] chicken curry in the microwave.

[00:22:50]I think I think this movement, slothing, loneliness, whatever you want to call it, like I think it has value.

[00:22:56]>> Bedrotting.

[00:22:57]>> Oh man, I [ __ ] love bed rotten. Do you know my favorite thing if I ever get a day off is to just have nothing and to just not move from the sofa. Divine dude, but you know what an always feels in need to be most productive on those [ __ ] days. And I think >> Leave it out. Put your on and [ __ ] off.

[00:23:13]>> Yeah, I think it's on purpose. It is.

[00:23:15]>> It is. It's to drive you mad.

[00:23:17]>> I wish I was [ __ ] lonier. [laughter] You and me both. So, okay, I'm going home. I need to get a microwave first.

[00:23:25]That's the truth of it.

[00:23:26]>> Do you not have a microwave?

[00:23:27]>> No.

[00:23:27]>> Do you have an air fryer?

[00:23:29]>> Oh, hell yeah, babes. I need to get sponsored by air fryer. I got an air fryer.

[00:23:33]>> I'm We're all [ __ ] living in an air fryer at the minute, aren't we?

[00:23:36]>> I did.

[00:23:37]>> Got an air fryer. [sighs] I don't know whether I've shared this with you, but my granny gave me my air fryer.

[00:23:43]>> Was it like hers or did she buy you it?

[00:23:45]No, she passed away when I was seven.

[00:23:48]>> But I know it's like an heirloom situation.

[00:23:52]>> But air fryer is even invented then.

[00:23:54]>> No, but my mom forgot to give me the money my granny left in me Sammy squirrels thing. [snorts] >> And just before I did Strictly, she's like, "You need an air fryer." I was like, "Babe, I actually really don't want an air fryer." Cuz I resisted that.

[00:24:07]I thought it was like a George Foreman.

[00:24:09]Leaving the [ __ ] alone. I don't want your air fryer.

[00:24:10]>> I actually loved my George Foreman. She landed an air fryer into the house and she said, "That's from your granny dolly."

[00:24:18]>> And honestly, we I've never in my life used an appliance more. And every time I use it, I'm like, "Granny, thank you so much. My chips are crispy." Thank you, Granny Dolly.

[00:24:28]>> Thank you very much.

[00:24:30]>> A >> Yeah. If you spot a story that you think we need to hear about with headlines, hot takes or heated debates, please get in touch.

[00:24:36]>> Yes, you know the usual. Hello get.com is the email. Instagram is @ getaggrip love and the WhatsApp is 0745741137.

[00:24:46]Don't forget to send in your voice memos. They will be prioritized.

[00:24:53]>> Did you like that? [laughter] >> You was it was like passive aggressive.

[00:24:57]I liked it.

[00:24:58]>> Prioritized.

[00:24:59]>> Prior prioritize actually.

[00:25:01]>> Prioritize. [laughter] >> Prioritize.

[00:25:05]>> We've lost the plot. I genuinely I'm like annunciating feels like it takes too much energy right now.

[00:25:10]>> And I'm telling you right now, it's that [ __ ] woman's fingers in [clears throat] your mouth.

[00:25:14]>> Is it?

[00:25:14]>> Yes. 100 times. You look [ __ ] you look spaced out.

[00:25:19]>> I am spaced out. My head feels like it's going to explode.

[00:25:21]>> It's her fingers in your mouth.

[00:25:23]>> I didn't like it.

[00:25:24]>> I I don't like it either.

[00:25:25]>> No, >> I don't want this to happen again. Okay, >> we'll be back every Thursday and you should please >> I might not be. Please hit that follow button so you don't ever miss an app. If you want, you know what to do. Give us a great review if you're listening on Spotify, on wherever, on all the usual places. And remember, it is five stars or [ __ ] off.