Gay Trauma & DMs from Troye Sivan

Added: 2026-05-17

[00:00:00]Troye Sivan just DM'd me. [ __ ] what do I say back? This is crazy. He liked the message, too. If you can tell, I haven't taken my ADHD meds today, that's why we're on this side quest. Let's say >> [music] >> Happy Sunday and welcome back to the Scary Hour. I'm your host Matt Rossi, and we're back on another Sunday to hear your scary stories and do our best to help you through them. Today >> [sighs and gasps] >> is another solo episode. I'm super excited to have you guys back here in my living room with me. I did pull some of your submissions, but I'm doing it a little like hot potato style. So, I'm just going to read out the latest that I have and then kind of just take it from there. Before we jump into your submissions, just wanted to play a little catch up on what I've been up to the past weekend. It is a lovely spring day here in New York City. I won't lie, I didn't have too eventful of a weekend. I am a little bit in my pre-summer just reset era. I feel like I went from such a chaotic month to just being home for a few weeks, and I know the summer, if your summers are like mine, I have a problem where I overbook myself for everything. I say yes for everything. I feel like I'm traveling every weekend, living out of a suitcase, super excited for that, but for now, I have been focused on spending the month of May just resetting in New York, eating super clean, reducing my alcohol intake, and just like going to the gym consistently. I mean, I got to get the body in check for the summer.

[00:01:36]I was talking to my friend the other day, and I was telling him that I'm kind of in my Martha Stewart era, but like when she was in jail.

[00:01:43]>> [laughter] >> This weekend, Friday, I went out to see the new Devil Wears Prada 2 movie.

[00:01:49]Now, [snorts] I'm not really a fashion gay, so to speak, but I will say this movie, in my opinion, was a masterpiece. I thought it was really good. I I honestly didn't see the first movie. I mean, I saw it way back in the day, but I haven't since seen it.

[00:02:07]So, I didn't And I didn't watch it before going and seeing the second one.

[00:02:10]So, I didn't fully remember uh all of the details or inside jokes, but it didn't matter. I feel like you just kind of jumped back in, you got the concept of it all.

[00:02:19]Big magazine, you know, she's I assume it's Vogue.

[00:02:24]She's a big personality in it. You have Anne Hathaway coming back looking like she has not aged in 20 years.

[00:02:31]And reprising the role of kind of the the hard-working, nerdy, smart girl. And that just kind of gets tossed to the side and but, you know, I don't know. Anyways, I don't know why I'm explaining the movie to you, but I really liked it. It I would say it was pretty inspiring. I think something hits different when you're watching a movie like living in New York and seeing other people's lives living in New York and seeing how much just happens here and how much the center of culture New York City truly is. It's all like loosely based off of reality. Like, it just It was cool. It made me feel really inspired. I won't go into too detail on it because, you know, I don't want to spoil it for anyone that hasn't seen it yet. But, yeah, great movie. Had fun. Saw it with a friend.

[00:03:15]Uh before that had just gone for like happy hour diet Cokes in the West Village at a Mexican restaurant, Tacombe, if you've ever been there. That was really good. Saturday, I What did I do? Did I go to the gym on Saturday or did I go for a run? I think I went to Oh, you know what I did for the first time? I did uh an army class. So, I I woke up at 8:00 a.m. So, the reason why I stayed in on Friday night after the movies and went to see Devil Wears Prada was because at 8:00 a.m. I had booked myself a Saturday morning workout class, which is the best hack for if you're trying to have a tame Friday night. If you're like me, I can't say no to anything or anyone, so the only way that I can get out of Friday night plans is to literally book myself something on Saturday morning so that I actually have to say no to Friday because I I guess actually though that's not true cuz I fully have gone out on a Friday and woken up on Saturday morning for a workout class, but it's miserable. So, it's a good way. You got to make plans for Saturday morning so that you can uh you can protect those Friday nights. So, did an Army class in the morning. I thought it was hard. I didn't think it was crazy hard, but I will say it wasn't the most beginner-friendly class. I don't think that I would say, you know, anyone could just sign up and and go if you're unfamiliar. Army is like this boot camp style uh it's kind of like calisthenics meets a little bit of yoga, a little Barry's Bootcamp but without the treadmills.

[00:04:41]Yeah, it's uh super hard to get into. I get I mean, you might have seen the videos all over TikTok or Instagram. I feel like there's always like a production going on during the class and they're pumping the videos out to social media. But yeah, it was fun. So, I did that on Saturday morning.

[00:04:54]And then Saturday night, I I've been operating under this new mantra where I have to get invited to go do something. So, if I don't get invited somewhere, then I'm staying in. And and and that's not like me saying like, oh, I want to be invited. I want to be included. It's kind of like attract don't chase. I would rather eat healthy, stay in, go to bed early, watch a movie on a weekend night and wake up refreshed the next day and have a beautiful day than force myself to go out just because it's the weekend and that's like a very new version of me, but yeah, it's like don't go and seek out the plans. So, don't go texting people for plans. Don't ask what they're doing. Like let people invite you. I mean, this is a surefire way to though get really lonely. Like you realize you don't have any friends when this happens, but it's nice, you know, got to protect your peace. Then on Sunday, I went to the Russian Turkish Baths.

[00:05:47]They're in the East Village. It's a very famous historic, I guess, bathhouse in the basement of a brownstone in the East Village. I posted that I was there on a Sunday and everyone was like, "Oh my god, you're there on Sunday." Apparently, it's notoriously gay on Sunday where people go and cruise and hook up. I went at 2:00 p.m., which is when it turns co-ed and not that. So, I went with two of my girlfriends. It was fun. It was a nice refreshing way to really reset the week. I feel like I again I felt like I was just better than everyone else because I stayed in two nights in a row, went to the gym, went to a steam room on Sunday.

[00:06:22]But, that's just what I tell myself so that I don't feel like an absolute loner that didn't do anything fun. But, yeah, not a very eventful one for you guys this weekend. But, that being said, I am feeling really good on this Sunday morning and ready to chat with you.

[00:06:35]Ready for some chaos. I'm going to have to be living vicariously through you guys this week because while I may have had a very respectable weekend, you guys surely did not. I just went to open my phone and right before this I was at the gym and I was just like going from one I was like grabbing the wheel like the ab wheel and walking over to the area to do it. And [snorts] this was at an Equinox. And I look at this guy and he's kind of looking at me and like give me like a smile and a head nod. I like smiled back. I keep walking. I go, "Wow, that kid looked just like Troye Sivan."

[00:07:13]And keep going, doing my thing. And then I'm looking at him a little bit more and I'm like he looks like Troye Sivan if Troye Sivan wasn't blonde. And then I was like, "Ah, whatever."

[00:07:26]Uh and then I'm looking I'm like, "No, that really looks like Troye Sivan." So, then I go I walk by again, smile at him, head nod again. Turns out it was Troye Sivan. Who knew Troye Sivan's not blonde anymore? I don't know. I I guess I'm used to seeing him blonde because I like checked on Instagram after leaving the gym. I was like, was that him for sure?

[00:07:44]And I checked and 1,000% him. Had the same jewelry, same earrings, same phone case. And he was in town for the Met Gala. I may have DM'd him after just being like, oh I liked your shirt.

[00:07:54]Because I did, it was a cool like New York City graffiti kind of style shirt, which is such a cool thing to wear to the gym.

[00:08:01]But I just looked and there's a there's a message back. I'm nervous. I said, I was going to say I liked your shirt but missed the moment. And he said, there's always next time.

[00:08:10]Exclamation exclamation.

[00:08:13]>> [laughter] >> I can't believe that.

[00:08:15]>> [snorts] >> I got to cut this. This is so embarrassing.

[00:08:18]If you guys don't believe me, what do I respond? Unless it's his AI. Do celebrities have like AI responses? Cuz if not, this is really embarrassing. Let me see if he's viewed my story. He didn't follow me. I followed him. He didn't follow me back. Okay, no. He's This is him. Cuz he's viewing my stories.

[00:08:35]He's such a cutie. I mean, not typically my type, but he was doing something for me.

[00:08:40]Okay, anyway, sorry. I was pulling I swear I was going on Instagram to pull up the scaries that you guys submitted, not to just out myself. [ __ ] what do I say back?

[00:08:50]This is crazy.

[00:08:52]Let's say If you can tell, I haven't taken my ADHD meds today. That's why we're on this side quest. There's always next time.

[00:08:59]Should I just do fingers crossed emoji?

[00:09:02]Okay, I'm going to respond guess we'll see with fingers crossed.

[00:09:05]I like that. Not too forward. You got to play a little hard to get, right? You know, once I see you in the gym, stare [snorts] at you, find you on Instagram, follow you and All right, we'll keep you updated to that. Anyways, let's get to your submissions.

[00:09:22]So, the first submission of the day is I bottomed for the first time in like 6 years and I loved it. If I sing them, that'd be kind of funny. Okay, no. I bottomed for the first time in like 6 years and I loved it. I love that journey for you.

[00:09:48]Uh, I mean why haven't you bottomed in 6 years if if you loved it so much? I feel like this is something like when you get in a long-term relationship with like a strict top, which I just think it's also overrated. I always get asked this. Are you top bottom? It's like I I'm [ __ ] just I'm thoughtful. Like I I'm not I I think being strict one thing or the other is just so old-fashioned. It's like, "Oh, I'm gay, but I'm a top. I'm a top." It doesn't make it less gay. It being a bottom or being a top, like you're still having gay sex. So, I feel like there's this need to conform to like stereotypes of Okay, well, I'm gay, but I'm a little more masculine by being the top or I'm gay, but like I want to be submissive. And it's just like, I don't know. I feel like it all depends on the vibe with the person, right? Like there are some very masculine men that bottom and I'm not talking about myself.

[00:10:44]I'm not here like defending myself by any means, but I'm just saying like there I've met some men that you'd think that they would never bottom, and those are the ones that always end up bottoming. So, uh yeah, I think we need to break these norms of being strictly top bottom verse whatever. Like I think we just got to vibe it out cuz you never know. Like this guy, he bottomed for the first time in 6 years and he loved it.

[00:11:05]My boyfriend wants to [ __ ] another older man since I [ __ ] his dad.

[00:11:10]The environment that I create here sometimes I am even surprised by. Like you guys really feel psychologically safe with me, and I love that, but I mean, this is an example of just This might even just be TMI. I mean, how [ __ ] his dad. Okay, I I have a lot of questions here because if you're hooking up with his dad, is his dad gay or did you just like hook up with his dad? Is that new news? I mean, it is kind of tit for tat, but doesn't an eye for an eye make the whole world blind? I'm not sure.

[00:11:41]I mean, if he wants to, I feel like you guys got to get even. Or bring the dad involved. That's weird, sorry. Tips on getting into running. I'm planning on running a full marathon this fall.

[00:11:52]Yeah, don't go to therapy, find some demons and run away from them. That's my best advice.

[00:11:58]Should I be a hoe this summer and leave my ex alone?

[00:12:02]Yeah, leave your ex alone. This is the time of year to not text your ex.

[00:12:06]Texting your ex is exclusively between the months of September and March. In winter, when you're not going out, it's cold outside, it's cuffing season, you just need some validation. You know, summer is not the time to text your ex.

[00:12:20]Summer is the time to go out and meet someone new while you're on a cool trip and just have fun, live in the moment, make out in public. They They just Yeah, don't don't go for your ex.

[00:12:31]My crush canceled plans and hasn't responded to the new proposed date.

[00:12:37]>> [sighs] >> I mean, I think you got to you got to play hard to get here. I think you put the plans out there. If he wants to respond, then it's on him.

[00:12:48]Like, don't go chasing. This one says, "I'm eternally chasing after men that are not interested in me."

[00:12:55]This is a good one.

[00:12:57]And I've I feel like everyone can relate to this. Doesn't matter really who you're attracted to, whether you're straight, gay, bisexual, pan, anything.

[00:13:08]I feel like there is this need. I mean, you hear it a lot. Like, you hear people always saying, "I'm into the chase." And I make jokes about it where it's like, "Oh, I I hate it when a when someone's into me back." Like, that's my biggest ick and turn off.

[00:13:26]But I think breaking it down, and this is because, you know, I've been working on myself a little bit, you know, listening to some more mental health podcasts and book, self-help, self-development, personal development, whatever you want to call it.

[00:13:39]I feel like this need to try and chase the person, it really just stems from this need to earn someone's attention or love.

[00:13:52]And I think everyone can experience this. One, it's fun. Like, I think when I was like dating straight women, like straight women love a chase. Like, they love They don't want like a guy that's all over them. They want someone that's mysterious. They want to kind of peel back the layers. Like, it's kind of a a mating game in a way.

[00:14:13]But I think in the case of men dating, specifically in in again, the gay male dating world, I think gay men are so into chasing after the person that's not interested in us, the emotionally unavailable one, simply because we spent so much of our lives thinking that love is earned, right? And let me break this down a little bit because it's a little complex. It's not super easy to just explain off the dome like that.

[00:14:46]But basically, when you're a gay man or a bisexual man or a man that has same-sex attraction, >> [snorts] >> we kind of learn at an early age that this isn't the norm.

[00:14:59]It's not normal relative to our peers that like same-sex attraction. That's not saying that it's bad, it's just less common, right? Like, I think there are spaces where homosexuality is is normal, right? But I'm saying in a traditional setting, when you grow up, all gay men have this realization that, "Hey, I'm a little bit different than most of my friends in terms of who I'm attracted to.

[00:15:26]This is usually something that we identify as unsafe. This is something that we feel like we have to hide. It's something that a lot of times we don't understand for a long time and we kind of know it's there but we push it away and we try and just act like everyone else and spend years and years and years wondering, oh, why isn't this working for me and it's working for everyone else when the reality is you probably know why it's not working for you. It's that thing you pushed in a corner. So, we have this need to just please other people and make them more comfortable because for example, me coming out to my parents as gay or bisexual or having attraction to men is something that I inherently believe will make them uncomfortable, right? So, we have this tendency to people please and we're always sacrificing ourselves and our own needs for other people.

[00:16:29]And that becomes kind of a vicious cycle because it happens in everything. Like, I feel like it happens in career, it happens in school, it happens in relationships. When I think back to myself as a kid, like I I knew I was different but for me I still wanted to earn everyone's love and approval.

[00:16:51]And that kind of manifested into something that I have now found out is called the perfect boy syndrome.

[00:16:58]And I want to talk a little bit more about this because I think it's something that has shaped a lot of the person that I've become in my life.

[00:17:09]It's this need to really be perfect and I think a lot of queer men, gay men, bisexual men can relate to it and I think it's something that still permeates the LGBTQ plus community in so many different ways. It really manifests in chasing emotionally unavailable men, trying to chase after people for approval and try and earn their love and affection. It manifests in you know, body image issues and body dysmorphia and this need to be perfect and have abs and be sexy and that all of your value comes from attractiveness. It comes in extreme career ambition in that oh, I might have this perceived flaw in myself which is my sexuality. I'm going to make up for it in different ways. I'm going to become super successful. I'm going to work really hard at my job.

[00:18:03]It's why you see so many gay men in such like successful places and so many gay men as founders. So, to say to define the perfect boy syndrome here because I feel like I say a lot of [ __ ] off my dome here and I don't have any sources, but we're going to change that. So, perfect boy syndrome, also known as best little boy syndrome or good boy syndrome, describes a pattern where individuals, often closeted queer men, overachieve to deflect from their true selves by becoming perfectionists, high achievers and people pleasers. It stems from childhood anxiety to hide perceived flaws leading to anxiety, workaholism and excessive pressure to prove their worth.

[00:18:46]Wow, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I yeah, it's it's just I think it's something that when I think back at a lot of different stages of my life, I can relate to. Like I remember being in kindergarten and I was really reserved. Like I was very quiet. I didn't talk for a lot of my life. I always joke like I I them in the first half. I think people thought I was maybe on the spectrum a little bit cuz I wasn't talking. And now here you see me with a microphone talking for a living and you know, I feel like I don't shut the [ __ ] up. But there was a time when I was little and in kindergarten, I was the kid that showed up to class on time and I always did my homework and I paid attention and as much as I could with ADHD, but I like worked really hard and even if I couldn't pay attention, I would never disturb the class and then I would go home and teach myself the course later because in class I was maybe focusing on organizing my pencil case, right? Like there were just so many ways that I tried to keep myself super buttoned up and polished and in wanting to make sure that the teachers loved me and that I wasn't ever getting into any trouble. I was like really scared to kind of express who I was.

[00:20:04]I think at home, I remember that I would if I did something bad, like one time I vividly remember accidentally knocking over a flower vase and it shattering everywhere and I was probably like, I don't know, five to seven years old, but young enough that I remember it. I felt so bad. I didn't know what to do and you know, like my mom was upstairs and I immediately went and I put myself in timeout in the corner.

[00:20:35]And she came out and she was like, "What happened?" And I remember like just breaking out into tears and being like, "I'm so sorry. I am in timeout because I did something bad. I broke the flower vase." And this was something I did very often where like I would acknowledge that I did something wrong even if they were mistakes and I would put myself into timeout. And I don't know if that was a result of I don't think I had super strict parents.

[00:21:03]I think I had Italian parents, which you know, if you did something bad, sometimes they'd raise their voice, but then 10 minutes later, everyone's over it. I think I kind of have a little bit of uh hotheads in my family.

[00:21:15]But, I don't think that that was necessarily the problem, but it was just this idea that I could have potentially done something to upset someone that I just like would punish myself. And I think that that happened throughout my entire life. Like, I was always really good in school. I again did my homework. I I was like a teacher's pet. I worked really hard. I don't think that I was the smartest ever, but I do think that I worked really hard, so I achieved mostly straight A's until I remember getting my first B+ in high school, and it was debilitating. It was like, "Oh my god, there goes my hopes of getting into college." Like, it was so dramatic, but I remember even just thinking about getting into college when I was in middle school and having to get into the biggest college. I really wanted to go uh to I think the I mean, obviously like a Harvard. I grew up in Boston, and Harvard was there, but I think I really wanted to go out to California, so I thought Stanford. At one time, Georgetown ended up being my first choice, and I didn't get in there. When it came time to to actually applying, I ended up at Michigan, which is a great university, but like I remember picking the university based on all of the ones I got into solely based on which one was known as the most elite and the most impressive to get into. Like, if I were to do it do it again, looking at the schools that I got into, I'd be at U Miami. They gave me a scholarship.

[00:22:39]I'd be down in Florida. I'd probably still live there. So, I just think now I've I've started to unravel a lot of the things that I thought growing up, but yeah, like I just I remember being so scared to deviate from the norm for so much of my life, even going into college, working really hard. I didn't enjoy a fraternity. I wanted to get into the business school, which is a program you apply to after your freshman year at Michigan. So, I worked really hard my freshman year to get into the business school. It's the Ross School of Business, like very elite undergraduate program. I got into it. And then throughout that, it was just the same thing rinse and repeat, just working really hard and doing my resume and interviewing. And I got the great job at Pepsi, which was at the time the most difficult marketing job that you wanted.

[00:23:28]And fast forward, here I am 23, living I was living in New York at the time commuting up to Westchester, just [ __ ] hating my life. And I was like, "How did I get here?" I just did the thing that everyone else wanted from me, or what I thought everyone else wanted from me, which was to be the easy to digest, the quiet, hard worker, didn't really speak out, just kind of followed the path. And that's what I did for a long time. And then when it comes to relationships, I mean, I think I also, even when I was dating women women, felt like I went after the girls that didn't necessarily give me the time of day. And I liked that chase or that need to chase. So, kind of like circling back, I know I kind of went down a tangent here, but it really stems from that need to earn someone's love that we learned at an early age. So, it's not really your fault. I think other ways that I feel this, and and I wonder whoever submitted this, if you feel the same, the ceiling when it comes to my career is is never enough. For example, when I was working at my corporate job, I felt like I was working really hard, doing all the right things, but I wasn't getting where I wanted to be. I wasn't feeling passionate about the work anymore. I wasn't making the money I wanted to make.

[00:24:50]People were telling me that I needed to do XYZ things to get to the next level.

[00:24:54]And then I would do it, and then they'd be like, "Oops, sorry, like maybe next year." I stopped buying that and that's when I started to do social media and building a side hustle and kind of like investing in myself outside of the work world and kind of questioning things and this was around the time where my sexuality was bubbling back up cuz I had had failed relationships and I was like, "Okay, that thing that I have pushed in the corner for so long, let's maybe like pick at it a little bit because there has to be a reason why all of my relationships with women are failing. I there's this thing that I think I need to explore." And it's when I started to do the work was I able to kind of challenge the boundaries that I had created for myself. And so, I started doing social media, obviously eventually that ramped up. It's what I do full-time. I still hold myself to an extremely high standard. Like I feel more fulfilled now, but when you work for yourself, there isn't someone that's telling me what to do. It's I only work on the things that I want to work on and then the more that I put into it, the more I get out of it. So, it's really hard to stop work when it comes to 5:00 p.m. Like I always want to do more.

[00:25:56]There's always more opportunities thrown at me and I have this need to just continue to achieve. And I think that has to do with this external kind of view of me where I want people to see me as successful and it's almost like a need for validation. I think social media in itself, yes, it can be a business, but it can also become just like a platform for validation and I think that that gets into a little bit of a dangerous territory. I I don't I try not to use social media for validation. Like I try and really approach it as a creative outlet and something that yes, is my business and it makes money, but something that like provides value to someone else is is kind of how I think about about it. But, yeah, I mean, it's it's easy to to kind of fall into those traps and then like start to compare yourself. I think another element of of the perfect boy syndrome is like I have struggled with body dysmorphia. I have struggled with looking in the mirror one day and just being unsatisfied even though I literally used to be 20 lb heavier than I am and that old version of me would kill for the body that I have. We're just so exposed on social media, especially in the gay community, to these perfectly chiseled bodies and faces and filters that just skew our perception and it's like you it's this never-ending chase to be perfect and it's exhausting. Maybe if I can get that person that's avoiding me chase after the man that is emotionally unavailable and get their approval, maybe then will I start feeling good about myself. But the reality is it's never going to happen unless you start to choose yourself and start to tell yourself that you are enough as you are. You are always going to be chasing that next high, that next validation, that next achievement in work, that next body goal, that fourth set of abs in your 12-pack. Like it's just it's never going to end. It's insatiable. And it's something that I still struggle with and I think one thing that I do to combat it is just practice gratitude and just think about the things you have, which is so [ __ ] hard to do sometimes. Like sometimes I'm just like I don't want to practice gratitude. But just again, think about all of the things that you had in and think about a version of yourself from 10 years ago and think is this something that they would dream of?

[00:28:18]And I think that's one way you can kind of start to disable the the grasp of the perfect boy syndrome on you. And also like I won't lie, like the perfect boy syndrome, it's helped me in a lot of ways. Like it has led me to a lot of success. It has created a work ethic in me. It has created goals that I have been able to set plans to achieve and achieve and surpass. So, I think there are some good things to it, but I think there are some negative manifestations in that like we look to our relationships to get that validation or to continue to just prove to ourselves that we're worth it. But yeah, it's it's difficult and I think that it's a a trauma that a lot of queer men live with and don't necessarily take the time to work through. Like trauma isn't necessarily an event that happens to you. I think a lot of people think of trauma as I experienced this really violent thing or God forbid there was this thing that happened to me or I was abused or all of these different types of traumas, right? They think it's the event. Trauma is actually your bodily or mental like response to the event. So the event is the event. How you react is the trauma because that's how your body now has adapted to it and that's the thing that stays throughout.

[00:29:34]So I think growing up closeted leads to manifestations that impact us on a psychological and physiological level.

[00:29:43]And yeah, it's it's something that I'm still working through and yeah, I I I really I feel for you. I think you'll know your worth. I agree with you.

[00:29:52]Sometimes it just it is hot when someone is emotionally unavailable. I don't want the man that's obsessed with me all over me. Speaking of chasing unattainable men, Troy saw the message 17 minutes ago, no response. So end of that saga. While we're on the subject of gay trauma, I wanted to talk about a few other things that I feel like I struggle with having grown up closeted for most of my life. I mean, I came out again at 30, well, 29 technically and you know, soft launching that at 27. So I feel like I've had a lot of traumas and manifestations of that, but I feel like one thing that gay men struggle with is lying. This can be like in a relationship, whether it's cheating or hiding things or just generally being a liar. Like I think when you grow up having to lie out of self-protection.

[00:30:43]So, for example, if someone asks you, uh are you gay? No.

[00:30:47]>> [laughter] >> Are you into guys? No. Why don't you have a girlfriend? I don't know, just haven't found the right one, right? Like we get so used to just having little lies to protect our identity because we have this perception that if we are honest that we could be exposed to homophobia and discrimination, and it's just like not psychologically or physically safe in some cases. So, as a result, all of those little lies become just it just totally desensitizes you to it. So, then once we stop lying about the one thing. So, say you come out and you start having relationships, but you find yourselves lying, whether they're big lies or little lies. I think a lot of times lying is also a manifestation of people pleasing, where it's to me like I I don't want you to feel bad about something, so I'll tell a little white lie. For example, I was I had a friend call me.

[00:31:40]And I was watching a video while they called me that I wanted to finish watching on my phone. I was walking Kirkland at the time.

[00:31:48]And I declined the call.

[00:31:50]I then called them back once the video was done, and I said, "Hey, I'm sorry. I was in the elevator taking Kirkland down to to take him on a walk." Because I didn't want him to feel bad that I had hit ignore because I was watching a video when when he originally called.

[00:32:08]Harmless lie. Totally harmless. Would he ever find out? Probably not. But I ended up being like, "You know what? Actually, no, that wasn't true. I I was I was watching a video, and I wasn't in the elevator. I declined your call. I don't know why I lied about that. Sorry. Not a big deal, right?" And he was like, "Okay, like weird of you. That's fine.

[00:32:26]No big deal. What's up?" And we got on with it. But I feel like I found myself just being kind of comfortable lying, and it's something that I'm trying to unlearn now. That I don't need to lie out of self-protection and that if something that I say that is the honest truth hurts someone's feelings, then it's kind of on them to kind of have the emotional intelligence to work through it themselves, whether it's a small little tiny lie or a big lie. Like I am trying to be just more honest because you can never really You can't really ever be mad at someone for being honest, right? Like and if if someone's I'd rather someone be honest with me and if it hurts my feelings, I can work through it and grow from it and figure it out versus be lied to just to be appeased.

[00:33:10]Like I don't think that works, but it's something that again, like I spent most of my life resorting to deception and lies out of self-protections that I still kind of do that in little ways.

[00:33:22]And I I heard an analogy once where you know when you have a rug and there's a piece of furniture on the rug. Like if I have this coffee table in front of me.

[00:33:32]If I were to move this coffee table after it's been sitting on the rug for a long time, where the legs are, you will see marks, right? Marks in the rug, little indentations. Your brain kind of works the same way. When you've had a certain thought process or behavior for a long time, when you move it or there's a big change, it doesn't immediately bounce back to how it was before, right?

[00:33:55]There are marks. There are indentations.

[00:33:57]And will the rug eventually flatten out and not have the mark? Yes, but it's not immediate. It takes time. So right now I feel like my coming out was moving the coffee table over, but some of the need to lie over little things and be deceptive are the marks that are still left on my brain. And that's something that I am actively trying to work through. So I think that's another manifestation of this growing up closeted and this need to people please.

[00:34:29]Like it really all boils down to the same root cause and the manifestations can be very different. So like if you have a partner that is deceptive or lies to you, I mean, it it it could be that that they just are so used to it and desensitized from how they grew up in the closet, specifically in a queer relationship.

[00:34:51]And then I think the like last thing is and I kind of just touched on it, but like the whole idea of of body image issues. I kind of casually mention the fact that like I feel like I have body dysmorphia and I think I have a lot of insecurities in myself over maybe what a an average person has. Like I think some things that I've always been hyper conscious of is my height.

[00:35:18]Like I am shorter.

[00:35:20]I'm like a little below average, right?

[00:35:22]But it was something where when I grew up, there were taller kids. There were they were all more athletic. Like when I played sports, I was never the most athletic kid. I was always the most average player. I played lacrosse, which was actually like a short kid sport cuz it's low to the ground and there's a lot of picking up balls. So I was like kind of decent at that and I could run fast.

[00:35:41]But otherwise like I was just told that, you know, height is better. If you're over 6 ft, you are more desirable. You are more perfect. And growing up with that, it's it's stuck with me. Like it's something I couldn't control. No matter what I try, I cannot get taller. Unless I go down to like I think they do it in South America where they like break your legs and put a pole in between and you regrow the bone and you get a few inches, but then you basically you can't work out or run marathons anymore. So obviously I'm never doing that. But like it was something I couldn't control and it's something that for a while I still punished myself over. Even though it wasn't my fault and it was out of my control, I would punish myself for it.

[00:36:20]If you follow me on social media, you see I make a lot of short king content.

[00:36:24]And for a while like it was a coping mechanism, but it's really turned into something I'm proud of. Like I'm proud of my height. Like I think that I have met some super tall guys and they're just totally absent in the head. They're they're himbos, right? Like I think being shorter made me have to work harder in other ways. You know, I I had to be funnier. I had to have more personality. I had to work harder in school to be smarter. I had to earn more money after. So that was the way that I would level the playing field being shorter. I think it's it's made me go to the gym a lot. To me like my main goals in the gym is aesthetics. Sure, strength and performance are important, but specifically tied to running. But otherwise like I go to the gym to look good. And that is something that again like I spent a lot of my middle high school to college years just really not taking care of myself and using food, alcohol, and weed as coping mechanisms to living this kind of inauthentic life.

[00:37:26]And so I was fat. Like I just I'd show you pictures, but like I've I've tried to basically scrape the internet of them. But like I just wasn't proud of of my body and I think I've worked really hard to build habits that I am now you know, physically fit and fitness is a big part of my content and my passions.

[00:37:46]Like it's something I genuinely love, but there are times where I look in the mirror and I beat myself up and it's because I've seen someone on the internet that has what I've perceived as a better body and it's sick. And I think one thing that I learned recently and like I think you know, in the in when you're looking at women on social media, they're a lot more likely to you know, edit things, right? FaceTune, all of that. I guess I just assumed men don't do it as much and I recently learned that some people that I follow like do use FaceTune which this totally fine.

[00:38:20]Whatever makes you more confident, but I do feel like there needs to be some sort of disclosure. I feel like on social media you see a lot of like AI disclosures now that tell you, "Oh, this is altered content." Whatever. And I feel like we need that for filters because for me, like I'm looking at these these filter people and I'm like, "Oh my god, they are so perfect. Why don't I look like that? I work really hard. I eat really healthy. I do all of the right things and I still don't look like that." And I beat myself up and again, it's something that's out of my control cuz clearly all of the controllable bubbles that I'm controlling, I'm I'm doing. It's just got me thinking that like one thing I will never do is post a filtered or altered photo of myself. And that's not to say like, "Oh, I'm so good looking that I don't need Facetune." Like no, I would love to give myself, you know, a a more defined jaw and I would love to give myself a fake set of abs, but I feel like it's so harmful to put out filtered versions of ourselves on the internet knowing that there are people that are impressionable that could see them and that then create something in their head that makes them hate themselves. And I I think I've never posted any sort of filtered or Facetuned thing on the internet ever. I actually was like, "Fuck, should I be? Like are people assuming I'm doing it?" But I'd rather have the photo of my double chin or some, you know, wrinkles or a little extra body fat and be able to say that it's me and make someone feel more inspired or that my body is maybe a little bit more attainable because it's not so perfect than to put something out there that's filtered or not labeled as that and make you feel like [ __ ] about yourself. So, yeah, that's that's um all of my traumas. I'm like, "What else do we got for trauma?" I'm like, "Body dysmorphia, lying, perfect boy." Really got the trifecta, okay. Last thing and I I I say this in response to a submission that says, "I am just beginning the process of coming out and finding it challenging to be my authentic self." I mean, that is basically been the name of the game here, right?

[00:40:29]Like, when you start to break down all of the structures that we've built in our brain, all the coping mechanisms, started to move that furniture and let the marks in the the rug shake out. It's not always easy. I come on here a lot and I say, "I'm living my authentic life and I'm being myself and that shy kid that I grew up being is dead. Like, I am not shy anymore. I am putting myself on the internet for everyone to perceive me. I've made big mistakes out loud in public. I've built a podcast that's all about being unfiltered in myself and raunchy and unapologetic, but in the attempt to learn from our mistakes and grow and just have fun and live life because we're human, right? But what that comes with a lot of times is I get met with a lot of things like, "Oh, you're insufferable. Like, you're annoying. Like, blah blah blah blah blah. Matt looks for validation." All these things. When you start living your authentic life, it's going to turn some people off.

[00:41:35]And that's totally okay. Cuz when you spend your entire life shrinking yourself down to be digestible and being that people-pleaser and being that perfect boy, that's a win to find for someone to find you annoying is a win.

[00:41:48]That means that you're not doing it anymore, right? So, I I think that I struggle with as I put myself out there and am I authentic self out loud, whether it's sexuality, saying what I want to say, being a little cringe on the internet, being a little less filtered, whether that makes me less cool or whatever, it makes me annoying, like, it's me being me.

[00:42:13]And that's the best feeling in the world. And if I can inspire or help someone in doing the same thing in in with themselves and not letting the fear of rejection or being called insufferable or annoying stop them, then that's a win. Like that's what this is all about.

[00:42:30]And I'll get into this more because I I think that I've learned a lot of things from coming out, but one of the like hardest things I've learned about coming out is that a lot of the negativity comes from within the community.

[00:42:45]And I think that stems from everything we talked about today, all of these traumas that come with being in the closet and then not being fully worked through. That we carry these traumas into our life even post coming out and it creates an extremely toxic environment of projection and comparison. And I mean it's funny because the same people that like talk [ __ ] about me or say mean things about me or the same people that are DMing me or commenting on my photos trying to hook up with me. So it's like this duality of like if they've experienced rejection from you, then now you're their enemy and they will [ __ ] on you. Like because you've now hurt their ego and it's you've shattered their image that they're perfect or you've invalidated them. So I think you have to be careful in that like as you step into yourself and embrace yourself authentically, it might ruffle some feathers knowing that there are some people within the community that have not fully done that yet and to not let their words or negativity set you back.

[00:43:54]Because you're making progress, you're unlearning all of the things and it takes time and there are going to be people that unfortunately haven't made that progress and since they had they haven't done the work, they're naturally just going to try and pull you back by saying these terrible things. So, just one heads-up.

[00:44:12]Um But, yeah. That's kind of uh the the me revealing all of my traumas to you. So, I hope this was helpful.

[00:44:21]We're about out of time now, but I just wanted to take a second to thank you all for listening. If you found this podcast helpful at all, you can do a few things for me. If you don't mind following us on whatever platform you listen to, or subscribing if you watch on YouTube. If you don't mind giving us a rating, it really helps the show. It really helps me. And if you found this helpful, and you can think of a friend or family member that might benefit from it, send it on over to them. In the meantime, make sure to follow me at TheMattyRossi across platforms. You can follow the podcast at TheScariesPod across platforms. If you have a submission or a story that you want to send to me, you can do that on my Instagram story every Sunday at TheMattyRossi, or you can email them over to [email protected].

[00:45:05]We also now have a text sign-up. So, if you'd like to stay updated on all things The Scaries, whether it's new episodes, or new e-store merch drops, or events that we have, you can sign up for that. That'll be in the link in my bio, as well. Or, if you even want to send me a message, I read those. So, if you want to submit your Scaries through that texting platform, you can. Or, if you just want to say what's up, I read every single one of them. They come to me. So, yeah, sign up for that. Lastly, if you want merch, we got tons of merch. It's still available on the e-store. Again, links in bio. Check it all out. I'm throwing a lot at you. I'm sorry. But, at the end of the day, I just thank you for being here. Thank you for tuning in each week, and thank you for supporting me and The Scaries podcast. If there's anything else you'd like to see, any other questions or topics that you want me to dive into, put them in the comments below, or again, send them on over to me.

[00:45:54]Um in the meantime, I hope you guys all have an incredible week, and go make some more Scaries. We'll see you next time.

[00:46:01]>> [music] >> I walked in on my roommate with some guy's toes in his mouth. This is why we knock.