Episode 31: ABSENT MOTHERS

[00:00:05][music] [music] sisters. Hello once again. It's so good to see you again. Or is it you who are seeing us [laughter] whichever way we are in your space and we are happy to be back. So >> I've lost count. 31st episode is it?

[00:00:25]Should be. Thank you so much for standing by us. Thank you so much for watching our content.

[00:00:32]Sisters keep us at across all our platforms.

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[00:00:49]Thank you so much for just you know being with us and giving us support, constructive criticism.

[00:01:02]>> [laughter] >> But I'm a broadcaster. I'm a mom. I'm a wife to one.

[00:01:15][laughter] I'm a girlfriend.

[00:01:19]>> And I'm a sister's kid.

[00:01:21]>> Wow.

[00:01:21]>> Hi. Hello once again. I am Riot Mindi.

[00:01:25]I'm a motherreneur and a full-time musician.

[00:01:29]>> Wow.

[00:01:30]Hello, sisters. I'm so happy to be back.

[00:01:33]Tenderi is my name. I'm a wife. I'm a mother. I'm also your sister and your counselor. Thank you. [laughter] And today, father and mother.

[00:02:06]uncomfortable to talk about, uncomfortable truths that must be spoken about that make our societies a better space. This is what we happily speak about on this podcast. We're a transformational podcast.

[00:02:22]Yes, that's right.

[00:02:22]>> I need to change this and that and that and revisit.

[00:02:25]>> That's right.

[00:02:26]>> Absent mothers.

[00:02:28]>> Oh yeah.

[00:02:28]>> Is today's topic >> and I love something about this topic, you know.

[00:02:39][laughter] And [snorts] I know that most sisters are mothers. Notice that we say mothers.

[00:02:49]Mothers. That's true.

[00:02:53][snorts] It's the first experience of love for a child and comfort [clears throat] [laughter] that sort of thing for me that's what mothers >> is. I agree with you. It's you actually fed into what I wanted to say. M >> I think a mom a mother is a mirror through which a child sees themselves.

[00:03:33]>> Okay.

[00:03:35]>> A mom is a representative of love, comfort, >> uh security, um nurturing, >> instruction, um a friend. You will find a friend in a mother.

[00:03:48]>> And in spiritual terms, I would love to say a mom is a representative of the Holy Spirit.

[00:03:53]>> Wow. Because in many cases a mom kind of feeds off of the fruit of the Holy Spirit of the characters of the Holy Spirit. It's a mom is like a personified Holy Spirit.

[00:04:06]>> Oh, I love that.

[00:04:07]>> Yes, >> that's good.

[00:04:08]>> Wow. [laughter] That's true.

[00:04:27]That's very true.

[00:04:31]Yes.

[00:04:36]Okay. Yes. Is it possible for one to give birth or to bring a child you know and carry pregnancy and nurture it months and not be present >> as a mother? What is mother absence? You know, Isaiah 49 verse 15.

[00:05:11][laughter] So what you're saying is very right there for them.

[00:05:42]She can be there physically.

[00:05:50]It could be through death.

[00:06:34]The reality is >> not there.

[00:06:50]Anxiety attachment style.

[00:07:05]Yes.

[00:07:11]All right.

[00:07:13]I hope Okay.

[00:07:42]I think all over the world, you know, the scourge of drug and substance abuse.

[00:07:59]Okay.

[00:08:06]Can a mother be present in the home physically but be absent completely?

[00:08:13]What are some of the reasons that cause that absence? [snorts] >> Well, it is very possible for a mom to be present yet absent.

[00:08:21]>> Mhm.

[00:08:21]>> Um I will mention a few reasons. The first one is the woman employment that came.

[00:08:27]>> Okay.

[00:08:28]empowerment rather.

[00:08:31]>> Um, back then it was known that a mom is the a house owner. They are at home 24/7.

[00:08:42]>> They take care of everything that needs to be at home including the children.

[00:08:46]>> So now because of the empowerment that women got, we now also have to get out of the house and go to work.

[00:08:52]>> Oh yeah. So which is what has led to mothers seeking for help from nannies >> or I would say maids or sisters who come home to help us nurture >> okay >> the children that we gave birth to.

[00:09:07]>> So you become an absent mother because >> from 8 to 4:00 you are not there >> but your 2 3 1 year old child is at home with another woman. Okay.

[00:09:21]>> So, you become a present mother away because there's another mother taking care of your child.

[00:09:27]>> I gave a definition that was saying a mom is a nurturer.

[00:09:32]>> And she is the mirror that is looked at by their child.

[00:09:37]>> But it means you become a mom who is not being watched or learned from by your own child.

[00:09:42]>> Okay? So your work takes you away from your children going to work. Then you come back at 6, >> but from 3 to 3:30 from 3:30 to 4, but because you've got backlog you have to do. So you find that in a day you may find 2 hours or 3 hours with your daughter.

[00:10:07]>> But your child is bonding with somebody else who is becoming their mother.

[00:10:21]If we look at Moses >> Yeah.

[00:10:24]>> Yes.

[00:10:25]>> Um Moses was given birth to by joet.

[00:10:28]Yes.

[00:10:29]>> Oh yes.

[00:10:29]>> That's true. That's true. That's >> you will notice that in that era Pharaoh made sure that every child is killed.

[00:10:37]Mhm.

[00:10:38]>> Every male child is killed.

[00:10:42]>> But the mother had a >> a mechanism that held the child >> quiet >> until she realized, I can't keep this child. I have to put him in the river.

[00:10:52]>> Yes.

[00:10:53]>> If you notice, Miriam, the sister of Moses, had a nurturing spirit.

[00:10:58]>> It means she got it from the mother, >> right? M >> so [clears throat] fast forward Moses is now the prince's son >> but you will see that he was not very attached to the princess because of the way he acted when he met two Israelites who were fighting the Israelite and the Egyptian.

[00:11:18]>> Get my point?

[00:11:20]>> He he is described as a man who was full of anger and short-tempered.

[00:11:24]>> Yet also the Bible also describes him as a meek person.

[00:11:28]>> Oh yeah. So it means weakness through his sister and hatred and short timber.

[00:11:39]>> It means there is another character in culture he learned outside his own mother who gave birth to him.

[00:11:45]>> Exactly. So my point is >> you you can become an absent mother so much that your child may start to learn some things from the woman they staying with.

[00:11:56]>> So you will start I love what you said, drug abuse.

[00:12:01]>> Many children that are using drugs now.

[00:12:03]>> Oh yeah.

[00:12:04]>> Some of them Mexicans go, it's because they are now looking for something that will nurture them >> without them feeling pain because their parents went away looking for work to take care of them. But the child didn't need money. They need a proper natur so that they may grow up with a full >> stacked up family to become who they supposed to be. So that a mother in a bid to build a life for a child, they become absent yet present.

[00:12:33]>> That's number one.

[00:12:35]Empowerment. Number two, a mother can be present but absent because also they were groomed by a >> absent.

[00:12:42]>> An absent mother.

[00:12:43]>> An absent parent. Yes. They can tend to be a very absent mom emotionally because of the rough nature they have.

[00:12:50]>> The aura they carry is not that of a mom.

[00:12:53]>> So maybe what sister I said that they became a a single parent uh or an absent mom because of the circumstances around the divorce with the father. So maybe the mom is angered by the father. So they bring out the anger to the child.

[00:13:09]>> So they become a present mother but without love.

[00:13:12]>> Oh yeah. So the child feels more of pain when the mother is there than love. So they become an absent mom.

[00:13:20]>> Hey, those are some of the causes, you know, >> of absentism. Yeah, mama.

[00:13:25]>> And I really want you to check yourself as we go for a short break. Um, we've got, you know, some messages that are very important for you to see. Check yourself if you're a mother.

[00:13:36]>> We're not here to point fingers. We're here to keep you to get you back in the right and on the right track. So, we'll be right back straight after the following messages. Shout out to Purple Iris.

[00:13:48]Shout out to Residents Hotel as well.

[00:13:51]Shout out to Thriving Lives. Shout out to Sedonet.

[00:13:55][laughter] We'll be right back after this.

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[00:15:05]>> Thank you so much for staying with us and for joining us. And we are back with you right here on Sister's Keeper as we continue to explore a very emotional and touchyfey subject really. Absent mothers, mothers are supposed to be present to mother. R sort of touched a bit of a nerve there when she spoke um you know speaking about the causes.

[00:15:29]generational cycles.

[00:15:38]>> She doesn't know how to give.

[00:15:39]>> She never felt.

[00:15:40]>> Can you give sister what you you never received? Can you you know because Okay.

[00:16:07]Ivon, what you're saying is very right.

[00:16:13][laughter] [clears throat] Exactly. Exactly. We We should start that.

[00:16:21]We learn parenting from our parents. If they did a good job, you feel good.

[00:16:34]style. But let me say copying your mother's style of parenting may not always be the right thing. Why? Because personalities are different from yours.

[00:16:45]>> Okay?

[00:16:46]>> And your personality also might be different from your mother's.

[00:16:52]It's not one parenting style that suits you. Let me just talk about former parenting styles. I think that would also help our sisters.

[00:17:08]>> We have my parents authoritarian.

[00:17:17]>> They are controlling. They are bossing around. Yes, you've she's there. She's controlling you.

[00:17:29]Because I said so. Who are you to ask me that?

[00:17:31]>> Why are you to ask me that question? I'm your mother.

[00:17:43]are free.

[00:17:44]>> Okay.

[00:17:45]>> And that's the first one. I hope that type of a parenting style.

[00:17:50]>> Yes. So to add on to that, I think that's one of the reasons why children when they go for university and away from home, they become animals.

[00:18:00]I'm out of the prison. Yes.

[00:18:04]And the worst one is depression for a sister to self introspect. How is my parenting style? Cuz mana wants to feel heard a life assignment. So they want authoritative. I hope we've seen the difference. The first one was authoritarian. You're boss and controlling. The recommended one is authoritative whereby the communication is birectional.

[00:18:46]Isn't this how God is parenting us?

[00:18:53]It's permissive.

[00:19:00]So you are noting okay they become a spoiled child. Yes problems.

[00:19:20]When life happens, my sister, are you not a neglectful parent?

[00:19:32]But also hear them. And then a permissive parent.

[00:19:39]You're my friend. You're my best friend.

[00:19:41]Please don't rob to be a child. Yeah.

[00:19:47]>> And you are the parent.

[00:19:54]>> [laughter] >> Okay.

[00:20:13]>> [clears throat] >> beautiful.

[00:20:24]Okay.

[00:20:27]Do you know what he was actually saying?

[00:20:30]Do you know what actually happened the other day?

[00:20:35]What is the boundary there? All right.

[00:20:36]The boundary you've won.

[00:20:41]You've won me everything.

[00:20:47]Doesn't she have friends to talk to? Get too much information. Too much information. Yes.

[00:20:55]Let's be authoritative.

[00:20:58]>> Not authority.

[00:20:59]>> We communicate. We put boundaries.

[00:21:05]I think that's a relationship that I had with my mom and we put those boundaries and I know you also I feel like you were digressing a little bit but it helps you know for us to share our personal experiences [clears throat] an absent mother in the present.

[00:21:43]>> Okay. Uh because a personal experience that I have is that I had a very present mother.

[00:21:49]>> Oh yeah.

[00:21:50]>> Oh, I had a very present mom. She she was my best friend.

[00:21:53]>> Oh yeah.

[00:21:54]>> But she also wasn't telling me everything.

[00:21:56]>> Yes.

[00:21:58]>> We I thought she was telling me everything. It's only after you've spoken that I'm realizing, oh that's why >> this is why I never felt a level of disrespect, okay, for my mom. I still revered her as one, but I had a relationship with her. I noticed that one of the ways she >> enabled herself to be my friend was she would ask me silly questions.

[00:22:20]>> Okay.

[00:22:20]>> So, then okay so this you don't do this is not right this is not right so I would feel like I have I had freedom to tell my mom and then she had freedom to tell me when to stop that that kind of communication enabled me to know the boundaries so that's good I like that Yes.

[00:23:00]Yes. My own personal experience you've won. I had a good I still have a good relationship with my mom.

[00:23:07]>> I still have a good Okay.

[00:23:33]Let us not be absent.

[00:23:43]Okay.

[00:23:56]again because she's so right. Just allow me to just get this. Isaiah 66:13 says, "As one whom his mother comforts, >> so I will comfort you."

[00:24:20]>> Wow.

[00:24:21]>> God compares himself to a comforting mother.

[00:24:25]>> The reason why I say this is because >> either you're a son or a daughter.

[00:24:29]>> Yes.

[00:24:30]>> Comfort will come always because in our lives, we go through pain.

[00:24:35]>> So when you go through pain at school, when you go through pain in a relationship, when you go through pain, wherever, a mom is there to comfort. So if a mom is >> drowned in her own pains and forgets that she gave birth to some to children who still needs her comfort, >> you may be a present yet absent mom because you're not >> showing the the comfort that a child needs when she needs them the comfort or when he needs the comfort.

[00:25:01]Comfort outside comfort elsewhere.

[00:25:03]Listen, I hope sisters you're you're catching one or two things and you're also looking in the mirror and saying yourself We are left with about 15 or so minutes with you guys and I'd love for us to exhaust some of the things we think will help you in terms of being present in terms of identifying some of the things that you're going through because of the absence of your mother.

[00:25:28]challenges absence my sisters they have a good rel or they still have they had >> good relationship with their mother >> mine is a bit different >> because um now that we're actually talking about it not that's the reason why my mom and I were a bit aloof was in two years and then from there she then she gave birth to a child her first born you >> okay >> completely different >> in size the way she looks >> behavior >> personality >> character >> my we extreme opposite >> oh yeah >> and you see because my mom I think she's a melancholy who is also aatic >> so she's not really I'll give you [laughter] [clears throat] my sister.

[00:26:39]But wow.

[00:26:55]Mhm.

[00:27:05]She's very free and we talk >> and she'll be there for you.

[00:27:11]All right.

[00:27:14]>> The challenges that were caused by my mom and I not having a very tight relationship.

[00:27:18]>> Okay.

[00:27:21]Okay.

[00:27:28]Okay. All right. Do you know system is lack of self-conidence? Yes.

[00:27:56]I can't say I heard that from my mother ever, you know, and I'm not persecuting it persecuting her for that and things like that.

[00:28:13]Okay, that sort of thing. [music] loneliness.

[00:28:33]Yes.

[00:28:40]Do you understand?

[00:28:42]As we just unpack some of the challenges caused, you know, by absent mothers, my mother was present. I will give that there was a side that was not there >> which I'm hoping sisters What are some of the challenges sisters?

[00:29:27]You are awesome and your mom [laughter] and you thrive on affirmation and confirmation and credit. Melancholies are busy looking for mistakes. They correct instead of connecting. So I'm saying to a sister if we have especially we don't connect. We are always correcting languages.

[00:30:14]We we receive love in different ways.

[00:30:33]Maybe that's not what I want. That's not what you want.

[00:30:39]But saying, "Where are you? I want you quality time." I remember of one woman who one girl who said to her mom, "I don't want your money. I want you.

[00:30:49]>> I want you." What are we saying to our sisters? Understanding lives.

[00:30:59]Yes.

[00:31:04]077281209.

[00:31:08]the number again 0772781209 so you've won every Saturday her love language was gifts >> and my mother I think pres [laughter] she loves you but in a way so you need to understand yes mommy she's giving me my mother loved me very well very Chinese.

[00:32:02]So, it's the same with love. How do you know language hugging and cuddling when you when you hug them?

[00:32:33]do the same and then will feel they need to feel.

[00:32:39]>> They need to feel validated. They need to feel >> and I'm being heard and that they can trust you. My sisters, >> yeah, I'm hearing you. And I want I want Lady Bishop to come now before we now go to >> you know >> how we can repair these relationships.

[00:33:01]>> Rudo, >> there are sisters out there who have become strong >> not because they wanted to be >> but because they had to so that they heal because mom was not there. M >> what is your own personal experience you know um in dealing with dealing with with many people in your congregation and the people that you meet I think so that our sisters can nitpick and you know difficulty and asking for help [clears throat] are some of the things very quickly A child who has never had a mom has a problem of always asking themselves am I worth it?

[00:33:52]>> Am I enough?

[00:33:55]>> Am I loved?

[00:33:56]>> The reason why they will ask am I loved?

[00:33:59]It is because I mentioned that a mom is the first representation of love. M >> so a child for them to understand what love is they have to receive it first from their mother.

[00:34:14]>> So if you read Proverbs 31:1 you know the words of King Le >> who >> which his mother taught him taught him which yes his mother >> King Lem >> is a man who became a king and became wise because his mother taught >> taught him. Mothers are teachers. So the absence of a mother, it means there is a teacher, a lecturer who has been removed from a child's life.

[00:34:41]>> Absence of information.

[00:34:42]>> So if a teacher is never there, there is absence of information.

[00:34:46]>> Absence of information causes ignorance.

[00:34:49]>> Ignorance, a child becomes a fool automatically. If you want to see a child who has been >> who was left with a father without a mother is different from a child who was left with a mother without a father.

[00:35:14]not but there's a grace that a mother was given a natur which is why in mention God likens his comfort and his love to that of the Holy Spirit that's why Jesus said I am God and I will leave you with the Holy Because the comforter, the teacher, the protector, the lawyer, the advocate, mother does all of that. If you notice when a father wants to beat a child, if a mom stands in the middle and says, "You will not beat my child." Even if the child is on the wrong [laughter] >> even if the child is on the wrong when the mother says there is a calmness that the father has even if you are an an absent mother who is teaching your Which is why you will find that a child, a young man will start to date older >> women because they are looking for a mother, someone who will help them become a man.

[00:36:26]>> And most times not sometimes, three quarters of the time, they will not marry the cougars.

[00:36:32]>> They will be trained by the cougar to be a man to marry the woman they want who is younger than them. So I want to say I've had an experience as a wife to the bishop >> where you will see this boy needed a mom. So sometimes they come to me not because they want advice.

[00:36:54]I just hug them. That alone is what they needed. Because if a mom says to a son, >> you are amazing.

[00:37:02]>> You are strong. A child will feel like I can do all things. Wow.

[00:37:07]>> Even a girl, my mom, when I grew up, my mom would tell me every day, >> you are beautiful.

[00:37:13]>> And I remember a statement she would say. She would say, I'm telling you that you are beautiful. Number one, because you are. Number two, so that if a man or a guy asks you out, >> you will not have my wings flip off because you've been told you're beautiful. The same happens with a man, a child, a son. If you are wise, you are a girl and you just telling him you're intelligent.

[00:37:40]You will say, "Well, I know it. Tell me something I've never heard before because the mama has been there to tell to validate him." So, we really need to be present.

[00:37:48]>> Indeed. Indeed. And listen, we >> It's a lot. I'm hoping that something in you was >> stirred up.

[00:37:57]>> Stirred up.

[00:38:01]It's really [clears throat] important you know and things like that then you know healing [clears throat] and moving forward so that you know we keep you sisters.

[00:38:24]>> Yes.

[00:38:39]She's absent.

[00:38:42]Oh yes. Oh yeah.

[00:38:53]Be present for your as well.

[00:39:05]Mhm.

[00:39:07]>> They bleed on people that didn't cut them.

[00:39:09]>> Okay.

[00:39:10]>> That's right.

[00:39:11]>> How can we avoid that, you know, to allow yourself to to heal >> or to the child was broken >> child?

[00:39:21]Okay. Okay.

[00:39:23]>> Acknowledge the wound.

[00:39:24]>> Yes. That's number one.

[00:39:38]Let them be.

[00:39:55]You know that sort of thing.

[00:40:02]Number one, >> this thing is missing in my life. Mhm.

[00:40:13]>> And then number two, >> okay, we didn't allow ourselves to cry, to grieve, cuz it's something legitimate that you grieve. But there's a way of grieving.

[00:40:33]Well, this is why number two, look for professional help.

[00:40:49]A activating event.

[00:40:51]>> All right.

[00:40:51]>> Mom is absent. She has been absent. B your belief.

[00:40:56]>> What's your belief? If your belief is negative, you've won. Your feelings will be negative and your behavior negative.

[00:41:04]But if your belief is positive, you can reframe what are the positive side. And then always dispute the negative belief.

[00:41:15]We have different languages.

[00:41:21]No, my mom loves me differently from the way. And then we make assumptions.

[00:41:33]Give voice to your need.

[00:41:40]yourself.

[00:41:45]Fearful and wonderfully doing well.

[00:41:49]Hug yourself.

[00:41:59]And you know what? You're saying that as we go to so that the mothers because we we a few minutes to go. Mack.

[00:42:13]She's been through a lot.

[00:42:14]>> Oh yeah. Very true. Very true.

[00:42:18]Very true.

[00:42:26]Oh yes.

[00:42:41]Exactly.

[00:42:47][clears throat] Step out of the situation.

[00:43:00]that sort of thing.

[00:43:04]I hear you.

[00:43:19]blessing of seniority.

[00:43:35]How can they their hearts be turned back to their daughters to their children or their sons every day? Can relationships between mothers and children be repaired after years after decades absence?

[00:43:58]>> All right, let me answer it from ground up.

[00:44:02]The first sisters I really want to talk to are the sisters.

[00:44:09][sighs] >> Do not allow your children to grow up without you even though you are there >> because you are looking for their financial stability.

[00:44:20]>> It's very good. It's important. But which is why I I I prefer that it would be best for us to become more entrepreneurs.

[00:44:33]>> Although employed because an entrepreneur >> I would love to say a motherreneur.

[00:44:40]>> You are still a mom and an entrepreneur.

[00:44:42]You can work from home. So you can see but if you are an employed an empowered woman who has to keep traveling it's understandable this is the 21st century we are in but keep up with updates with your child >> find out be there even though you are absent because sometimes you may not be able to be there physically.

[00:45:13]But this is the importance of a phone. A smartphone is there for you to do a video call. I know of a woman who was saying I live in in the UK. The the children are here. But each time she comes here, the children says we never really feel like you are absent because she can actually work it up. As long as the children have told you, no, we are free. Then she says it's okay. You will talk to me.

[00:45:42]something in them makes them feel like the mom is there.

[00:45:46]>> Number two, if you are able to give counel to your children, don't leave it entirely to the nanny.

[00:45:52]>> Oh yeah.

[00:45:53]>> Don't leave it entirely to the I don't like the word made, but that's the closest word I can use >> because the there are some characters that are built by the conversations. The Bible says, "Do not sit in the council of unbelievers." The word I want there is counel. If you leave your child in the counsel of another mother, they will become them, not you. So there are some traits that you have that are so good.

[00:46:17]You are a kind woman, but you are surprised by the nature of your daughter or your son, but she became who she was by. So you need to always be present. Find time.

[00:46:32]Even when they grow up, they buy you a Land Rover because they're saying, "Mom tried." She did.

[00:46:46]>> What use is it to bring money in the house and lose your child to being a drug addict because they have an excuse?

[00:46:52]I never had a mom in my life so I don't understand her. Because they'll get married. They won't know how to love their own wife >> or to love their own children. So be there. Number three, find time to pray with your children. Oh my goodness, children are a blessing from the Lord.

[00:47:06]The Bible says God is the giver of good and perfect gifts.

[00:47:10]>> Children are a gift from God. They came to us good and perfect.

[00:47:26]The entrance of a demon is not sin.

[00:47:29]>> But how did you allow the devil to catch him young?

[00:47:38]>> Then allow me to keep the sisters who have already who have kids. They now can't do anything. You are still able to compensate.

[00:47:48]You can compensate it now because a heart still is able to be healed.

[00:47:54]Mama is now trying >> be there. ask how are you is important my mother took a complete turn you see my mother you see >> you know and I think that's that's a way of expressing and I know that we are out of time and I know that you've got a point one point very very quickly I just wanted to say before you go in mothers >> [laughter] >> years.

[00:48:43]She went sisters, I'm going to leave you with something I wrote down for you when we were preparing for for this show, especially It's a very valid and perfect excuse.

[00:49:14]>> A mother, an absent mother's wound >> explains her behavior, but it does not define your destiny.

[00:49:25]Healing begins when you stop >> asking why you were not loved the way you were supposed to be loved >> and start learning how to love yourself >> and the ones around you >> the way you wanted and you feel you deserve.

[00:49:42]>> Let's turn the tide now. Let's re >> Oh yeah >> order the cycle. Let's be a generation that has mothers and their children hearts are close together 07846229 there are we love you very much love you so much the next Counseling is no longer a luxury. Today, more people than ever need emotional support and understanding. Teachers, pastors, supervisors, and caregivers are helping others every day, often without the right support skills. Our 3-day basic counseling [music] course equips people helpers with practical counseling first aid skills. Accredited and trusted. The need is great. The time is [music] now. Book your place today.

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