Aliens, Why Now? | Fahim Works on Stuff

Added: 2026-05-24

[00:00:00]I sit down here and piss and moan.

[00:00:03]>> [laughter] >> Okay, let's unpack that. What did What did What's I got I got to hear it before I can respond to it. That was just That was a lot of things together. Are you Irish or is he very drunk?

[00:00:15]Both? Are you?

[00:00:17]I was just drunk. Oh, are are you really Irish?

[00:00:20]No. Oh, okay.

[00:00:22]This is like the worst improv ever, guys. This >> [laughter] >> It takes forever and then he just shuts me down.

[00:00:29]No.

[00:00:30]>> [laughter] >> Like at least let's have it be bad sooner.

[00:00:35]The suspense is killing no one.

[00:00:37]>> [laughter] >> All right.

[00:00:40]I have to do these. All right? Normally I would get into this, but I have work to do.

[00:00:45]>> [laughter] >> You know what I mean? If I was on the road, I would This would be my whole act.

[00:00:50]This is called Fahim works on stuff, not Fahim misunderstands the guy in the front row [laughter] for [ __ ] 40 minutes.

[00:00:58]>> [laughter] >> So, I like the spirit of it, but I got to I got to do this.

[00:01:04]You know, in another lifetime we would interact, but >> [laughter] >> come see me in Toledo and we could do this all day.

[00:01:10]But in LA, daddy's got to work.

[00:01:13]>> [laughter] >> Daddy's got to grind.

[00:01:17]>> [laughter] >> It's funny how the government released grainy videos of UFOs instead of AK video of Republicans and Democrats [ __ ] kids.

[00:01:25]>> [laughter] >> It's kind of a odd choice.

[00:01:31]All right? Here's some grainy video from the '50s of uh of a button [laughter] instead of we have AK video of Democrats and Republicans [laughter] just double teaming an 8-year-old.

[00:01:45]They're like, "Well, wow, UFOs, huh?"

[00:01:48]>> [laughter] >> Look at those two grains of THOSE PIXELS. THEY'RE >> [laughter] >> THEY [ __ ] HAVE TERABYTES.

[00:01:59]In [ __ ] high def, no mistake.

[00:02:02]Aliens, are we alone?

[00:02:05]>> [laughter] >> The kid wasn't alone, show us. Prove it.

[00:02:11]Have him go to jail. What is this?

[00:02:15]>> [laughter] >> See, we couldn't get to that if I had to do that, you know what I mean?

[00:02:20]>> [laughter] >> See, that's that's candy. This is a Thanksgiving meal, like I'm giving you nutrition. That'll spoil your appetite.

[00:02:30]It's fun when you're doom scrolling, but this fills your spirit. [laughter] OH, HE'S TALKING TO THE GIRL. He called her a [ __ ] Um Do you try on a burka?

[00:02:44]>> [laughter] >> That's what I Do you try it on? Or you just like order it from Amazon, you're like, "Yeah, I should be good."

[00:02:52]I feel like there's a lot of wiggle room with a burka, right?

[00:02:55]>> [laughter] >> Has anyone put it on and it's like, "It's a little tight."

[00:03:00]It's a little tight.

[00:03:02]I'll I'll get it altered. Can you just like >> [laughter] >> just bring in the waist a little bit?

[00:03:09]I mean, that's that's when you know you have to like get on those ampics when the burka's feeling a little tight.

[00:03:13]You're like, "Ooh, I got to I got to hit the gym."

[00:03:17]>> [laughter] >> Uh I feel like Squid Games kind of ruined green tracksuits for Asians.

[00:03:23]>> [laughter] >> All right? It's like the MAGA hat for Asians.

[00:03:30]>> [laughter] >> Cuz if you're just wearing a green Adidas jumpsuit, you're like, "Squid Games?" You're like, "God damn it."

[00:03:35][ __ ] no, I just thought it was cool.

[00:03:38]Uh you can tell how rich a neighborhood is based on when you like pull up to a meter and how much time is left on it.

[00:03:47]>> [laughter] >> You know what I mean? Like, I've been to a place and there's like an hour left on it. I'm like, "Whoa."

[00:03:52]Holy [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> Of course this is Beverly Hills. God damn.

[00:03:57]You know what I mean? That's how rich people are. Like, "Should we do 4 hours?

[00:04:01]>> [laughter] >> Just do 4 Just to be safe. We'll do It's like going in to get gum. We'll just do 4 hours.

[00:04:07]>> [laughter] >> THAT'S ENOUGH THAT'S ENOUGH.

[00:04:10]BECAUSE WE WANT to talk in the back of the Arco.

[00:04:15]4 hours?

[00:04:16]>> [laughter] >> Rich people just [ __ ] They just do They max out every meter.

[00:04:21]Poor part of town, I look at the meter, there's 2 seconds left. I'm like, "Well, this poor guy really timed it.

[00:04:26]>> [laughter] >> He timed it good."

[00:04:29]Yeah.

[00:04:30]4 hours.

[00:04:32]Um Which one's the Okay, did that.

[00:04:37]Oh, yeah, people They say it's expensive parking in downtown LA. I think it's only as expensive as afraid of homeless people as you are.

[00:04:46]>> [laughter] >> Like, if you're really afraid of homeless people, yeah, it's going to cost a lot.

[00:04:51]You know what I mean? Like, 40 bucks in a structure, you're right across from where you got to go.

[00:04:56]But if you're not afraid of homeless people, it can be free.

[00:04:59]>> [laughter] >> You just park on Los Angeles, and then you just leave your car like this.

[00:05:05]>> [laughter] >> I just got to like I'm not afraid [laughter] of you.

[00:05:11]I'm not going to pay $40. You have nunchucks?

[00:05:14]>> [laughter] >> You park for free, but you just have nunchucks if you >> [laughter] >> meet your dear friends at the bistro.

[00:05:22]You have cuts on your face? Like, "Sorry, I'm late.

[00:05:26]I parked down there."

[00:05:28]>> [laughter] >> This doesn't look like hepatitis.

[00:05:31]It doesn't act that fast, all right? If you get scratched.

[00:05:34]>> [laughter] >> It's cheaper. It's cheaper if you Whenever people talk about God giving them signs, it's always like little things, right?

[00:05:44]It'll be like, "A blue jay flew by my window.

[00:05:48]God was sending me a sign.

[00:05:50]>> [laughter] >> Right?

[00:05:51]Or like this song started playing when I walked in.

[00:05:55]God gives signs the way like a woman is interested in a guy.

[00:05:59]You know what I mean? Same way. Just just little stuff. Like if if God People think God is a man. If God is a man, he would give signs just like you would wake up and then it'd be like hologram Tupac of your mom. Like, "I miss you."

[00:06:12]>> [laughter] >> I miss you. And God'd be like, "That's a message from your mom. From me, God."

[00:06:17]This is me telling you.

[00:06:19]>> [laughter] >> Right? God might be a woman with these signs.

[00:06:23]>> [laughter] >> Right? [clears throat] Instead, God's like, "You know, I'm going to make it snow a little earlier than it normally does."

[00:06:32]He'll know his mom is saying hi.

[00:06:34]>> [laughter] >> He'll know.

[00:06:38]He'll know. It's like a week earlier than I normally make it snow. So, [laughter] he'll get it.

[00:06:46]I made him. He'll get it.

[00:06:48]>> [laughter] >> I don't I don't want to be super obvious that his [clears throat] mom misses him.

[00:06:53]He's got to meet me halfway.

[00:06:55]>> [laughter] >> It's like liking three photos of a guy on Instagram. Like, he'll get it.

[00:07:00]Uh like my buddy was in town the other day and then we're catching up. We went to a bar.

[00:07:07]I [sighs] had a scotch in my hand and then the bartender came up and she's like, "Hey guys. I have two tequila shots on the house." And I was like, "Uh I'm I'm okay."

[00:07:18]And then she was young. She was like early 20s and she she's like, "What?"

[00:07:22]>> [laughter] >> She just couldn't imagine a world where like someone would turn down shots. Like she's so young, she doesn't know you can do that.

[00:07:29]>> [laughter] >> Like, "What?"

[00:07:32]But free. It's on the house. I'm like uh >> [laughter] >> I'm like, "Yeah, I'm good." And then she goes to my friend. He's like, "Yeah, I'm good, too." She's like, >> [laughter] >> Her head exploded.

[00:07:44]You can just say no.

[00:07:47]You Anyone over 30, you can think past the shot. You know what I mean? You can You can think what happens beyond the shot. In my mind, I'm like, I have the scotch already. I'm enjoying the conversation with my friend.

[00:07:58]I don't want to be in the headspace after a tequila shot. That's a different state.

[00:08:04]I don't want to get closer to a DUI. I drove here. I don't want to get a DUI. I don't want to get closer to barfing. I did the math and I'm like, no, thank you.

[00:08:13]When you're in your 20s, you're just like, uh, alcohol.

[00:08:16]You just drink and then find yourself in predicaments.

[00:08:19]>> [laughter] >> You ever date someone like that? She would like call me and be like, I'm like wasted. Can you pick me up?

[00:08:26]I'm like, how did you get like this?

[00:08:27]>> [laughter] >> Like, no one strapped you down and put the alcohol into your mouth. Like, how do you not feel your body getting to this state?

[00:08:34]And then you get an expensive Uber. Can you like pick me up?

[00:08:37]>> [laughter] >> I don't even not know you're getting drunk.

[00:08:41]One time I was at a club and I saw a guy who was just He was just like passed out. He was He wasn't passed out. He just couldn't walk. He His buddies had a Weekend at Bernie's him to the >> [laughter] >> to the sofa. And he was just He was at the club on the couch for the rest of the night. Like, he was in the penalty box.

[00:08:55]How do you get that drunk? I don't understand. Like, when I drink, I can I can tell, all right, I got to throttle it back a bit.

[00:09:02]How do you get so drunk that you can't walk is surprising to you?

[00:09:06]Like, it just creeps up on you. You're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. OH, [ __ ] >> [laughter] >> OH, [ __ ] THEN I WOULD UNDERSTAND. LIKE, OH, that hit him all at once. He was >> [laughter] >> But if my legs were like a little jello-y, I'd be like, all right, I should throttle it back, guy.

[00:09:21]>> [laughter] >> I feel like it's getting harder to do this.

[00:09:26]>> [laughter] >> Just to be like this and still be like, yeah, shots. Yeah.

[00:09:30]Yeah, pour me one. Come on.

[00:09:32]Make mine a double.

[00:09:33]>> [laughter] >> I just want to come out of nowhere. So then my tail is the GUY OH [ __ ] >> [laughter] [cough] >> IT'S SO FUNNY. I'M GOING TO WAKE UP TOMORROW AND BE LIKE, WHY DO MY KNEES HURT?

[00:09:50]I don't remember doing MMA.

[00:09:54]>> [laughter] >> Thank you. Thanks for being here. Faheem works on stuff. I'm Faheem.

[00:09:58]I'm going to I'm going to work on stuff.

[00:09:59]Yeah. Has anybody been to the show before? Yeah.

[00:10:03]Oh, okay. Nice. People didn't clap, get on their level. Okay, come come to the next one. This is the hot [ __ ] guys.

[00:10:09]>> [laughter] >> Hot off the press. I got a new toner cartridge, for real, so I did today. I put it in and these are popping, guys.

[00:10:17]>> [laughter] >> If the jokes aren't good, just know that they're really legible. And it wasn't He has no excuse. He replaced the toner cartridge. He read [laughter] every word of it.

[00:10:27]This is new carpet. You guys don't know this, but this is new carpet. As a comic, this is blush.

[00:10:32]For real, this is nice.

[00:10:35]It's like I'm doing comedy on a cloud, guys.

[00:10:39]All right, you got to work on these. So, this literally happened today. I was walking into the grocery store and then this guy was like, "Hey, spare spare some change?"

[00:10:48]I'm like, who the [ __ ] has change today?

[00:10:50]Like, who has change at this point?

[00:10:52]That's like saying like, "Hey, do you have a CD player?

[00:10:55]>> [laughter] >> Do you have a Do you have a laser disc?"

[00:10:57]He's like, "Can you have anything I can play this on?

[00:10:59]>> [laughter] >> I have Terminator 2: Judgment Day and I'm trying to Do you got Do you got change? Do you got a laser disc player?

[00:11:04]>> [laughter] >> Change?

[00:11:08]It's It's crazy.

[00:11:10]Homeless people need to adjust for inflation. It's still change?

[00:11:13]Treat yourself. Start at dollar.

[00:11:15]>> [laughter] >> It's been change since the '50s. You deserve dollar to be the basement at this point.

[00:11:21]>> [laughter] >> Also, I'm like, "Hold on, let me break it." And I break the dollar into change.

[00:11:27]I'm like, "I have a dollar Let me break the dollar and I'll get you I want to keep a a nickel out of this.

[00:11:32]>> [laughter] >> All right. You know, you said change.

[00:11:35]Again, a dollar is a lot.

[00:11:37]That's a gumball. Come on.

[00:11:40]Oh, [clears throat] oh, the other the other day >> [snorts] >> I wanted to go to the gym, so I was walking to the gym, and then on the walk I'm like, "Ah, I'm kind of hungry." So, then I went into this Mexican place, and I I had a burrito.

[00:11:52]>> [laughter] >> And then and then I look at my watch, you know, like halfway into the meal, I'm like, "Gosh, it's getting kind of late. Like, I have stuff later this evening. I don't know if I have time to go to the gym."

[00:12:00]So, I just I put on work on workout clothes to like eat a burrito.

[00:12:04]>> [laughter] >> This is very I put workout shorts.

[00:12:07]And I have like a backpack and stuff, and then I and then I ate a burrito, and then I walked home.

[00:12:12]>> [laughter] >> Like, that's my fitness. I'm like, "Fat as [ __ ] Subway."

[00:12:16]>> [laughter] >> I'm fat as [ __ ] Jared. Like, I keep getting weight. I use put workout clothes and I get a burrito and I keep gaining it. I don't I don't understand.

[00:12:26]Do you guys don't do a pre-workout burrito? Like >> [laughter] >> Even if I did have time to go to the gym, your laughs make me know that that's not a normal thing to do.

[00:12:35]You know, why the [ __ ] would you have a burrito before you pump?

[00:12:38]>> [laughter] >> Why would you do that?

[00:12:42]I feel like the coasts, like New York and LA, we care less about celebrities because we're by the ocean.

[00:12:51]You know what I mean? And like, it's big picture. Nothing compares to the ocean.

[00:12:54]The gravity of it, it's But in the Midwest like Pauly Shore is your ocean.

[00:13:00][laughter] You're like, "Holy [ __ ] you're here?"

[00:13:04]All right. That's like seeing the ocean.

[00:13:06]Like, "Whoa, fuck."

[00:13:08]That's crazy.

[00:13:09]>> [laughter] >> I know black people, guys. I know.

[00:13:14]I know.

[00:13:15]I I love everybody.

[00:13:18]That's uh John Witherspoon. How cool, you know?

[00:13:20]My dad is Tony Shalhoub. I don't know if you guys Have I >> [laughter] >> told you guys that? That's That's why I'm popping. That's why I'm in the belly room cuz my dad's Tony Shalhoub.

[00:13:30]>> [laughter] >> It's such a deep cut. Like why would I lie about that? I'm trying to get a head in Hollywood and I'm like my dad's Tony Shalhoub.

[00:13:37]So, I'm trying to trying to get in nightclubs. My dad's Tony Shalhoub.

[00:13:41]>> [laughter] >> You ever watch Wings?

[00:13:45]That was his breakout role. I'm just going to alienate everybody with Tony Shalhoub IMDb for the rest of the show.

[00:13:51]If you're not on board with '90s must-see TV, get out.

[00:13:55]Oh yeah, so I was talking about, you know, I was at that bar with my buddy.

[00:13:59]It's a club. You know The Living Room is? Living Room?

[00:14:02]It's like a she-she. It's like a There's all these social clubs in Hollywood. I'm I'm a plus one of this guy who's a member. I would never go to these places. I'm not cool enough. Like I do this, you know? So, when you go to these social clubs, you pull up and it's like supermodels and [ __ ] and there's like giant bouncers.

[00:14:19]And they don't even look at you. They're like, "Yeah, yeah, all right." So, like when you go in there, you can't take you can't take photos. Give them your phone.

[00:14:25]You have to give them your phone.

[00:14:27]The giant bouncer takes my phone and then he he puts a sticker on the camera and he gives it he gives it back to me.

[00:14:34]Like that's foolproof.

[00:14:36]>> [laughter] >> You know what I mean? Like all I got to do is go in there and just do this.

[00:14:43]They're like, "How are these all the all these photos of Michael B. Jordan online?

[00:14:46]Did you [clears throat] put a sticker on his phone?"

[00:14:48]>> [laughter] >> I don't know how he cracked it. The sticker technology.