This dialogue reveals that the fundamental tension in modern parenting lies in balancing traditional authority with individual autonomy, transcending simple political labels. It demonstrates that civil discourse can still find common ground in the universal challenge of raising children.
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Conservative Moms vs. Liberal Moms | The Bridge
Added:Today on [music] the bridge, we're bringing together liberal mothers and conservative mothers to [music] discuss parenting, family values, education, culture, and the challenges of raising children in today's world. While they may approach many [music] issues differently, they all share the same desire to raise happy, [music] healthy, and successful children. Let's see where they find common ground and [music] where they don't. Unfortunately, what a liberal mom could not make it. But we still had an amazing conversation.
Welcome [music] to the bridge.
>> Hi, my name is Tan and I'm a conservative mom.
>> Hi, Tan.
>> Nice to meet you.
>> Hi, my name is April Redden and I'm a conservative mom to a 21-year-old.
>> Hi, April.
>> Hi, I'm Stephanie and I'm a conservative mom to two toddler boys.
>> Hi, my name is Rosalva and I am a conservative mom to a 10-year-old girl.
Hi, my name is Aisha and I'm a liberal mom to six girls.
>> Hi, my name is Brenda. Um, I have four children and I am somewhat liberal.
>> Hi, my name is Ashwini Jane. I am a liberal mom and I have a 21-year-old and a 23-year-old kid kids.
>> Children should not be exposed to gender identity conversations before the age of 10.
As a parent, I think that the kids should have age appropriate lessons uh on respect and uh understanding. The kids are uh exposed to many families and people in in their day-to-day lives.
That teaches them a lot. That teaches them to uh you know give uh understanding of everybody needs to be uh humble and respected. So I think it's crucial. So for me, I think it's important that kids learn about all different ways of being in this world.
Um, we have free will that was given to us by God. And so we can choose how we want to live our lives and we have the free will to choose to change our minds.
And I think that it's important for kids to understand that the moral lessons come from the home, but everyone's home is different. And so at least understanding that everyone may have a different choice, but that's their god-given right.
>> I'll say that I feel like this question is kind of torn because I guess it depends on the child. It depends on the situation. There's a lot of factors that include it, but I would just say if a child is under the age of 10 and it's not like a topic that they are curious about or you know there's I feel like there's no need until it until there is a need. Um, that's just my, you know, personal, um, opinion, but I feel like this question could go either way depending on the child, especially when you're talking about a child that's under the age of 10, um, in this society that we kind of live in currently, cuz I have little ones. So, mine are really, really little, like from four to seven.
So, certain things I wouldn't talk to my seven-year-old as I would with my six-year-old. It it really depends. So >> I I feel that it doesn't I mean just my thought again I I feel that it doesn't confuse them because as a parent you're trying to guide them right so it's just >> and down the lane they're going to face such situations so it's better to you know in a small portions I think it's better to expose them to such ideas I feel uh so it's kind of that's my thought that it's okay to talk in like small portions about the things >> absolutely I agree I agree this like I said the question is kind It could go either way.
>> Yes. And I agree with you because I feel like I believe it's about at the age of two where they already start getting curious like, hey, I have, you know, these body parts. So, I feel like it's depends who's having the conversation with them.
>> And so, I've already had that conversation with my daughter. She's 10 and I had it way before. My parents had that conversation with me way before 10 as well. So I feel like you know same like kind of just depends who's having the conversation with them and you know and one day I mean my daughter came to me asking me about her you know identity way before the age of 10 and so you know I'm also a Christian conservative mom so I told I told her you know you are made in the image of God and you are female you know so I feel like it's important to have that conversation and then tell them you are female or you are male.
Yeah.
>> Yes. I agree with that as well. I'm also a Christian, so it's very important for me for my sons to know their identity as sons. They're very young, so I don't really I won't have this conversation.
Hopefully, not anytime within the next couple years, but I do believe that because society definitely tries to tear men apart. I think it's very it's very important to me that um they learn their their manhood as as they grow and that their mainly my husband I would presume would be the one teaching them that. Um I'm sure there's ways that I can help.
I'm a Christian as well and I'm also in a same-sex marriage and when I was younger my mom and dad didn't have those conversations. I had to wait until I got older and then I was a teenage mom. So we were definitely not having those conversations. And then now I have a child who's struggling with her identity. So I guess I'm torn between the two because I want to remain open.
Then I don't want to be judgmental because I know there are some folks saying, "Well, how can you be a Christian and you're in a same-sex marriage? How can you have gay children, but you're a Christian?" So, but I still want them them to know who they are and where they come from. You know, God loves you. God looks at your heart, not your actions, you know. So, I guess I'm kind of torn between the two, like some of you said.
>> I I'm torn as well, and I see sides to everybody. I'm a Christian woman as well. I was just thinking back, I forgot about the scenario when I was about seven years old. I didn't know anything about what, you know, when you're a child, you don't know anything about gender identity. And we it wasn't talked about then, much probably older than you guys. But at seven, my dad had just gotten remarried and the sister was a male before and I didn't understand that because he's like, "Your aunt so and so, you know, used to be a boy." And so now I think that there is a lot of curiosity and I think that we need to speak with our children when those scenarios come up and they ask us.
I don't necessarily know that if I had a small child, I know when my daughter was young, I didn't bring it up because it really wasn't around us, per se. But definitely with Tik Tok and the news and everything going on, there's so much more awareness and so many more children now making different decisions than when we were younger and it was suppressed.
So that's why I think that my views have changed. I don't know that I would talk about it unless it came up. But I do know that when it was talked about to me, it wasn't spoken to me with kind of like an awareness. It was just kind of a fact. And I think looking back, that was a lot to put on a child without really explaining because I really didn't understand it. So I think at that point with my curiosity, maybe I should have asked more questions or my dad could have said it differently. For sure.
>> I know for me, I wish I would have said it a little bit earlier. I knew that my son um had um unusual behaviors when he was very very young and I at the time was married and we were conservative Christians. And um I was met with I was putting that idea out there and just to stay quiet. And so I watched my son struggle for many years and um had a lot of issues through high school and college. And when he finally decided to um walk through the door of understanding who he was and he told me um in confidence many years before he came out with to anybody else, you know, he got so excited and to tell me that he had discovered who he was. And I was like, "Yeah, I know. I thought you were going to tell me something different."
And he was very hurt. I think that I didn't tell him ahead of time.
that was okay.
>> That's not my job to tell you who you are. But it also because I was >> in a very conservative Christian marriage at the time and I was trying to uphold the values that were set ahead of my own personal beliefs.
I had to watch my son struggle >> and and and deal with that. And so I wish that there had been a platform for me to have the conversation or at least be open to it and say it's okay if you want don't want to go to prom with a girl or you don't want to go to prom at all don't go you know and I didn't have that opportunity and it's really hurt our relationship.
>> Oh that's too bad.
>> I've had a similar situation like hers like my daughter's best friend was Maxwell. He was a guy back in kindergarten and they were besties. they were inseparable and then the next grade or a few grades later or actually sorry after a few years she I mean he's now a girl and by then my kid was very confused because they were best friends and how come she had so many questions she was a little confused and then I felt as a mom that I should have prepared her much advance that these things can happen you know these are like life situations for current you know for the current situation these are it happens you know so this This is this made me think that I wish I had talen to my child earlier about things like these can happen and it's okay.
>> The good news is is that it's awareness now and that's what we're doing and we're saying that it's okay to talk about these things >> whereas our parents didn't feel that way sometimes >> and I don't think our parents had the tools or the resources.
>> That's right.
>> Just like I said, I'm I was a teenage mom. I had my first daughter at 16 and I just turned 46 and my oldest daughter is 29. two of my daughters are gay. And some people ask, "Well, how are you in a same-sex marriage? Like, didn't you have uh kids with men?" And I'm like, "Yep, because it's it's my choice. It's a free choice." And then I have questions where they're like, "How did you know your kids were gay?" And I'm like, "We know.
We we see it. I knew my 27-year-old, I knew when she was two and when my son was three." Yeah.
>> Exactly. Because they just do things differently. Especially raising girls.
They were more like boys. The tomboys.
They just you just know. You just know.
And I I knew, but I wasn't as open back then. And now I guess I'm more open since I'm in a samesex marriage. But again, still Christian. God loves me the same. And that's what I just that's what I tell my kids.
>> Of course, you know, >> my mother's conservative. She doesn't know that my son is gay to this day. He has not told her and she's not willing to even explore the idea. And um I'm sure that it affects him in ways that he can't be authentic.
>> Acceptance.
>> Yes, >> acceptance is a big big thing.
>> Big thing. So I think it's important to have the discussion. The earlier the better. I've worked with some students here in LA. I worked with a child who um was born male but identifies as female and I taught him her dance and the child was the most welladjusted even tempered emotionally strong child I'd worked with in a long time. So I think that the conversation when handled correctly can be beneficial to everyone the community and the home life.
>> Yes. Because it affects their mental health too. Yeah.
>> I think when they're when they're hiding and it affects their their like you said, you know, their their energy, everything cuz they because they can't be themselves, >> you know.
>> And how do you how do you authenticate that? It's authent like, you know, it can happen that peer pressure can, you know, say, "Oh, my my best friend is, you know, saying he's not who he is." It can be it can affect your friend too, right? And he can say, "Hey, I want to think like him." And it could be not authentic. So how do you like how do you stop that from happening because you don't want you don't want to have like a wrong choice right as a child >> you know what I mean like it that can happen >> with peer pressure and I mean that's >> peer pressure and some kids are followers >> exactly so that shouldn't like you know yeah that should not I mean it's it's nothing wrong or right but it should not be a wrong choice >> which you should regret you know when you grow up right >> yeah that's again a thought to think about I guess Yeah, it's what we model in our home.
>> I do want to piggyback off of what I said. I will just be very upfront. I do struggle to sympathize with not strugg I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say. I It's in my brain, but it's a little hard to articulate.
Like I I I sympathize with people who are confused with their bodies, but I can only speak from my personal experience. When I was a teenager, I I believed that I was bisexual. So, I live that way. Um, and as a Christian, I when I gave my life to Jesus, that was something that he just took. So, I for me, I'm just very strong on like we need to I'm going to be very frank. I I believe we need to teach women to be women and have women qualities and be affeminite and and um I'm going to say the word submissive because I I believe it's it's a good characteristic to have and I believe that men need to be strong and leaders and and have those traits as well. Um, and it wasn't anything that anyone taught me growing up. Like I did grow up in a quote-unquote Christian household, but nobody lived that way. It was something that I personally experienced when I gave my life to God and it completely transformed my life.
So I think these things need to be firm in a household. So there so they aren't confused because it's very easy to become confused. The world is screaming at us ideas. Social media is screaming at us ideas. And I I do disagree with the line that you said that I can't tell you what to be. Like to a degree, yes.
But to a degree, no. because you are the parent and yes, I agree. You navigate them through the feelings, but I can only speak as a Christian and as a conservative. That's that's just that's just what I believe. I I I wouldn't be able to give you an answer for today as if my child were to come up to me. I'm they're only two in one. They barely know a few handful of sentences. I don't know today how I would answer that question or how would I would um help them through that, but I know I would pray. I would seek God. I would seek counsel and go from there. I think I would be completely shocked if my daughter came to me and be like, "Oh, I all of a sudden want to be a boy because like I said in the beginning, I've have affirmed her as a Christian conservative mom. You are made in the image of God and you are female and she's completely like she is so girly. She likes to play with nails even though she's tan. Let her play with makeup." So, you know, she dresses very feminine. So, if she were to come to me tomorrow and be like, "I want to be a boy." I would be shocked and like you said like you know as conservative Christian moms you know we take it back to um to praying. I would pray about it and affirm her you know like what's going on probably get her help and you know >> but as a mom would you won't you feel like what's happy what's good for the child is good for you in a way like I mean one is if if he or she's authentically doesn't want to be what they what they're saying which is understandable. I mean you would test the kid right but if he's you're convinced that he is what he's saying he is so as a mom wouldn't you feel like okay for the happiness of the child I will I will I will like you know dive in with the thought >> well like I said I've grown like my daughter I've >> not feminis but just as just mom to child >> I think connection I think I for me personally I would not be able to distinct this uh I don't know what the word to separate the two. I because I am a Christian and I was one way once and now I'm another way now. So I I could not separate it because I believe that what I believe in Jesus Christ to be true and so I couldn't separate it. I I I had to put God above everything. And it's hard. It's a hard pill to swallow.
But I believe that with his guidance and his wisdom, he he can he can do supernatural things. So he can he can help me as I help him >> if he ever were to come to me with that.
I think it's important to get an understanding of why they why they feel like I I feel like everybody's jumping to conclusions, but >> even though I'm a Christian, right?
>> I'm also Jewish, but at the end of the day, it's I want my child to understand, okay, you're feeling this way. Okay, well, why do you is it because your friend is doing something or is it because you saw something or is it because this is really how you're feeling? Let's get down to the I'm a very factual person. I want to get down to the bottom of it. I'm not going to jump to conclusions. And although I'm Christian and and Jewish, I feel like Yes. But at the end of the day, I'm a mother.
>> That's right.
>> Right. And I want my child to feel safe.
>> Yes. Right.
>> Yes. Of course.
>> So, I think that's the important thing.
>> And I and I also and just like you said, pray like pray about everything, worry about nothing. That is so >> it's easier said than done because I'm a worry, I'm a freak out, and then I'mma pray and then I'mma pray and I'm a worry, I'm a freak out. [laughter] But I think it's very important like you said understanding affirmation. But the main thing is we cannot live through our children.
>> We can't put on them what we went through growing up.
>> I can't put on my children how I grew up. Just like you said, understanding, understanding, understanding, >> and then prayer.
>> Um, you know, I don't know if you would agree, but over here on the Christian conservative side, you know, we like to say ends with us. everything ends with us because we don't want our children to go through the same thing that we went through. You know, I went through poverty and so many other >> awful things. It's, you know, story for another day. So, I always say it ends with us. The generational curses, we break them. It ends.
>> Yeah.
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Children should be taught about racism and America's history honestly, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
too.
>> Me as a as an African-American woman, I think um it's very important to to talk to my children as soon as they can understand, as soon as they're able to comprehend what that means and what that looks like. Right now, even in where I work, like I deal with a lot of it. Um even in entertainment industry, we deal with a lot of it. So I think when I come home and I tell my kids about all the wonderful jobs that I do, they see the glittery part of it and then I tell them, "Oh, and then on the back end I had to deal with this." Oh, but why? And it's like because this person doesn't like me or this person wasn't mean to me and it's going to happen to you and then this is how you handle it. So we definitely have to talk about it.
Definitely.
>> Yes. I agree. Also, I'm a Latina MexicanAmerican. And so, I've had to have that conversation with my daughter because she's Dominican, Mexican, and American. And so, we have her in a private Christian school. And so, there's, you know, obviously there's different cultures and everything. But I've noticed that she's kind of like the one that stands out. And so, I've, you know, had that conversation with her.
You know, you do deal with racism. You know, this is how you handle it. I've dealt with so much racism as well. And of course, America's history as well.
It's so important for our kids to know it so they know what happened throughout our history. And then, you know, it's it's just an important conversation to have with them.
>> Yeah. I don't think we should leave it to the schools to teach our children.
>> Exactly. Learning about like racism doesn't mean like the kids are to be framed for the past. It's about learning from the learning about the facts and giving them a better like asking them to make better choices >> so that they don't repeat what has been repeated in the past. So >> and I think racism is just not about black and white.
>> Yeah, I agree.
>> It's not it's it's much much deeper than that. Yeah.
>> So, it's good to be aware, make them aware of it exists, but at the same time, learn from it and don't make what what has happened in the past, you know, make like more improvised or what do you say like informative choices.
>> I think even um you know, I live in Lagona and my kids are the only black kids in the entire school. So it's so it's it's it's a little different because you know in that area you know typically it's more affluent um other races and we've had to kind of navigate but I I I press to my kids that try not to see race like we understand it we get it but you know having that feeling like you're you're you belong here not because of you know of you know they're white you're black but you belong here just as much as anyone else. And I think that's important even now because there's there are kids that still are the only black kids in schools and things. So, it's a little bit different, but honestly, if I was to say anything, I love being the only black >> anything in a room like I I love it. It It excites me because I get to bring a little bit of, you know, me to to to environments that don't have that. And you know, even though, you know, me being black, I I love being around everybody. So, yeah.
>> Yeah. Like my daughter comes from she's in New York and she I live in Lagona, too. So, she comes uh she comes to visit me >> and she goes shopping and then people are amazed at like, oh, you come to come here to shop.
>> So, she comes back and says, "Mom, this feels so not New Yorky. [laughter] Like, it's it feels very different out here." I said, "Well, that's that's how it is." and >> growing up they've had you know discriminations and stuff so they are aware of that they're aware of their history or American history and even the difficult part difficult difficult part of the history >> but that teaches them I mean I always tell them look at the positive side like it's happened that doesn't mean it'll happen again so just be brave and learn make like make mistakes but make newer mistakes don't like repeat what what has happened to others >> my daughter's first boyfriend in preschool was black.
So, uh, but we're we're from Newport Beach and in her elementary school, there was only one black fl. So, I understand.
>> And I actually felt, you know, bad cuz, you know, it's just kind of different.
But my daughter, my ex-husband's 100% Mexican, >> so she in Newport Beach was the only dark-haired girl. She has dark skin, dark eyes, dark hair. They used to think I was the nanny when I used to bring her to school. Uh, so it was, even though she wasn't black, she was different. And to this day, it's so funny like I'll go home and there'll be seven girls on the couch and they're all blonde, blue-eyed, and she's the only dark skinned, dark-haired girl, you know.
>> But I do I believe for history. I believe we should teach our children young.
>> Um, there was nothing to teach when she had a little boyfriend in in preschool.
I loved that she didn't see color and that's how it should be, right?
>> But I get I get it and we are faced with racism still to this day. But it's very important that we teach our children about history and thank God we're not living back in those days. That's all I can say.
>> Yeah. In fact, I feel thanks for the history. It teaches us a lot >> to be a better place.
>> I mean, there there are some things that that's being taught right now in both of my kids schools. They'll send home a permission slip. Hey, we're going to talk about this happened in the Civil War. We're going to watch this movie or this show. So they ask your permission and then you can either say yes or no but there are some topics where they just teach them and then they come home and they tell you about it. So you we only have but so much control you know >> but if we had the control I think is what she's saying. So it would be nice to have the control and just look at the syllabus and go >> yeah I don't think I'm comfortable with that. Yes.
>> So if that's the question yes I think I would I would rather know exactly what what the subject is.
parents should definitely have their voice but I think the public education serves the community.
>> So it should be like a mix of the the the educators, experts, teachers and parents come as a team work then just one one group of people controlling everything, >> right?
>> So I think it should be a good mix of everything.
>> Yeah. I feel like they should be able to learn whatever because if they don't learn it at school, they're going to learn it on the tablets. They're going to learn it on on the roadblocks. They're going to learn it somewhere. So, I feel like >> as parents, >> we can't be everywhere, right?
>> Exactly.
>> And to try to control everything.
>> Yeah.
>> Is really not possible.
>> So, I feel like would I want to obviously I would want to know what's on the syllabus, but would I kind of try to control the narrative? No.
>> Because we live in a world where clearly everything is out of control.
>> Out of [laughter] control. True.
>> Yeah.
>> And it's so hard to relinquish control this these days, you know. It really is.
So, >> I agree with what most of everybody has to say. I I guess I disagree because I am going to homeschool my sons. I because I'm just so concerned about what they are teaching in school. I I'm And because I I think I'm the youngest here.
I'm 25. So, I was I mean I was in high school what like eight years ago. So, like from my experience, I didn't like school. I think that I don't remember a majority of what I was taught in school.
I think a lot of it It has good experiences and bad experiences. I had a very bad one. And I I want to be able to know that I am shaping their minds. I just think that's very important to me to know what they are learning. Um, and I want them to know correct history. I I think I think a lot of what's like in the history books is wrong. I think a lot of it's right, but I think a lot of it is wrong because of the bigger conspiracy of like who who wrote these like history books and who wrote all the things that they're learning. I I I want to do my own research and I want to dig in with them and let them become their own little conspiracy theories. Uh I have a question. I mean yeah sorry didn't mean to interrupt but >> but don't you think for the development of the kids a mix of >> home environment and a school environment is important in this day and age.
>> I want them to do like co-op. I I won't completely shut them out from the world.
That's very unhealthy. I wouldn't recommend anybody do that. I do plan on putting them in environments. They're already in environments where they're around other kids in church library wherever it be. So they're they're always with somebody. And I have a pretty >> pretty good circle. um my my what's called what do they call the village. My village I have a pretty good village. So >> they're always around someone. They're always learning something new. I won't >> I won't hinder them from learning whatever they want to learn. Um that's not healthy either. So I I just want them to learn but I want them >> I I want them also to learn what I want.
>> It's important to touch the grass.
>> What I can [laughter] Yes, I agree. I agree. I can say about homeschool because I was homeschooled from from middle school all the way even to through college. I never experienced prom. I never exper and there are certain things now that I look back as an adult. And I hate that I miss those things because I was homeschooled due to bullying and all those things, you know, but I I look back and I was I'm I'm always like, dang, you know, I wish I could have been just experienced kids my age because now people think that I, you know, I seem much older than I am because I was taught by adults and not with kids my age. And it really kind of did me a dis disadvantage honestly when when you're thinking about the grand scheme of things like I'm an introvert like I don't you know like hanging out with people because I I grew up being taught by adults and hanging out with adults and communicating with adults not with kids. So I don't understand people that are my own age. So it I feel like it it does there is a disadvantage in the long term of in the grand scheme of things even for like mental health.
>> Oh yeah.
>> I dealt with a lot of mental health growing up and all I could say is thank god I'm here today you know. So >> there there are good and bads but I with homeschooling is a strong thing. I wouldn't suggest it >> and I would even say the opposite like because I went to public school and my mental health was terrible. I I thank God as well that I am still here. So, it's it's just a personal preference, >> right?
>> I agree.
>> Yeah.
>> For me, it would depend on what the subject was >> and how I like felt about it. I had if it touched me on a personal level that I thought would do themselves harm or would harm the community. Um, yeah, I would put my foot down. There are things that happen today that I'm just like that is not okay. And you know, at the end of the day, whether you're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or whatever, we're all human and we all believe in the one thing that it's about love.
>> And so, if you're not teaching love and you're teaching another way that provokes hate, then I would have to put my foot down at this point. My kids are older now, so I don't have that luxury.
and I was conservative when they were growing up and so I held my tongue a lot of times and um I think it's something that the new generations can kind of learn from mine and um the community's mistakes from before. Could you give an example of like what you needed to bite your tongue for or?
>> Um, so I my kids grew up um I chose to raise them in a very um affluent upstate New York area that had only white children um and some black Americans that were bust in on the urban suburban program to try to create balance. And um there were times where I would hear kids say things that were hurtful and hateful to their classmates. Just because they didn't know them and nobody was teaching them in school. Um that they're they're living in a different area doesn't mean they're a different person. And my son happened to be friends with one of the urban suburban um children and he actually was in my son's wedding. They've maintained a friendship all this way through, but like my son was almost ostracized by his classmates because he chose to be friends with someone who wasn't like that. And nobody said anything. And I was really upset about it. But in school, they were just like, "Oh, kids will be kids."
>> I'm sorry that happened.
>> Yeah, it was it was hard.
>> Yeah. But I having said that also it's kind of like I would partially like first make sure or talk to the teacher or understand what the mistake was like learn better and have a discussion with the kid because I feel the education kind of exposes kids to different ideas which helps them do critical thinking and make better choices. So I would just first understand uh what the difficulties or what the problem was like do a research and then take the they take a call based on that. I agree.
>> Yes. I guess I would say it depends because you know I have my daughter in a Christian private school so I obviously have her there because I want her raised with Christian beliefs and then you know they have good curriculum and all that but um I know there was a situation in the school where one of the teachers were teaching I think it was new age or something and well we're I mean my household is against new age so um I believe one of the uh children or my daughter's friends came up to me and they were like like we're kind of confused because isn't this a Christian private school?
Why are they teaching something way completely different? And so I asked my daughter, did they teach you that? Did the did the teacher ask you or teach you anything newagy? And she said, "No, not me. It was the other kids." But I mean, I wouldn't have, like you said, I would go to the teacher and I would go to the principal. I'm not going to just automatically pull her out of the school because I want to know, okay, are they teaching this? Why are they teaching this? Coming, you know, her being at a Christian school.
>> Yeah. Like u growing up or long back in Virginia when my kids were going to the daycare. Uh like I'm a Hindu. I follow Hindu religion. So I don't eat beef. But the school fed beef to all the kids like the daycare. But then uh they made it kind of difficult for me to they asked me to go to the temple and get a letter from a priest and we don't have like the priests won't give like it's not in our system or whatever. So I had challenges but then I was like you know it was too difficult to get a good take daycare so I just uh used to drop off uh you know Chick-fil-A or something on the days they were serving beef. So it's just like because the education I mean the system is good but they have glitches but you don't want to give up good system for a glitch. You'll just work around it is I mean that's my approach because I'm I'm not going to just walk out because you know because then I getting another institute you know daycare is very difficult you know things like that. So I'm easy that way.
I think it's good to ask questions though because that's how we get to places where we can't fix what has been done. And so I think that it's important to stay interested >> and curious.
>> Yeah.
>> Because the education system is very broken.
>> It is.
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I monitor everything my child does online and I have no guilt about it.
>> No, I don't.
>> I was right in the first case.
>> Well, I do. I mean, back when my kids were younger, not because I mean I did it uh well u not to be control freak, just to make sure they are doing like this just to make sure they're safe and they're in in the process I'm teaching them to make better choices. So yeah, I definitely would.
>> I actually feel pretty strongly about this. Um I had a discussion with my daughter when she was younger because I knew parents were monitoring their whatever their Instagram, their TikTok, their this or that. And I talked to my daughter about it and I told her, you know, some parents are doing this, but I'm not going to do this and this is why I'm not going to do this. You don't give me any reason for me to monitor you. You have you're in way a perfect child. I had no problems with her to this day.
There was no reason for me not to trust that she would make decisions on her own or be able to know when to watch things or not watch things. And I mean, I just trusted my child. It did not lead me astray. She is just thriving. And I I really strongly do not think parents should do this.
>> Now, I disagree. [laughter] agree because the younger two, my 14 and 16year-old, so me and my wife, we have parental controls on everything you can imagine. We are trying to keep them away from social media. We limit cell phone hours, we limit screen hours, all the things. And because they struggle with um one of my daughters has an intellectual disability, so of course we have to make sure we manage those. And then my other daughter has mental health struggles that she's dealing with that God is bringing us through, of course.
But my 14-year-old, I don't have to monitor her like I do the 16-year-old because the 16-year-old has done all the things at 16.
>> But she's given you a reason. That's what I'm saying. Right. I was waiting for a reason.
>> Yeah. So, my 14-year-old hasn't given me a reason. But then when I go to her screen time, it's two hours on Roblox and one hour on Pinterest. But when it's time to study for the Spanish test, there's 20 minutes on Dualingo.
[laughter] >> So, you know, there there there has to be balance. So, it's like, okay, >> but is she a good student? Is she still making her grades >> sometimes? And it's because of her study habits, but if I wasn't monitoring screen time, I think she would be doing probably less than she is now in school.
So, it just depends. So, it just depends what I expect out of the six. Well, I expect the same out of both, but I have to monitor the 16-year-old more than I do the 14-year-old because the 16-year-old, she'll text somebody and say, you know, I want to hang out and finger you or something like that, [laughter] you know.
>> See, I don't think I want to know that.
And I'm sure there was stuff like that going on, but I don't want to know that.
>> But that's real. That's real. This is why you have because you have other kids that are probably doing worse than that because they're they're not monitoring the household. And a lot of kids, their parents give them cell phones and tablets to babysit.
>> You know why the parents can't be parents? They can't be present. So the tablets and the screens are babysitting their kids or taking care of their children. Where in me, we have a pretty balanced household. And I'm all over everything moving. Now my wife say, "Oh, you cuddle them. They're not ready for the world." And all these things. And I'm like, "Well, I'm going to be all those things until I can't do it anymore." So yes, I'm monitoring them.
>> We only have our children for so long. I think we should just do everything in our opportunity that we can to protect them. Like for me, I'm Jenzie. Jenzie has a really bad problem with their phones and everything. So like for me, I I also have screen times because I just I know how I am. I know how it is and that's all I ever knew. I grew up in front of a TV. So like for me, I'm even more so for my little babies, I'm even more so going to be on top of it because the world is a scary place. There's like too many things and you never know what they can click on, what they can anything. So I I I feel like >> at this age at least I have to be right on top of it.
>> Yeah. And who's behind a lot of those apps? There's predators. There's there's it's a sick world out here. And we have to do what we can to protect our children.
>> 18 years or however long you guys have them in the home. It's it's not enough.
It's like, >> and even at 18, like a lot of people say, at 18, my child has to go.
>> I want my child to go and go to college and be a great person, but at 18, it's not like I'm kicking my child out the door, you know?
>> So, some kids aren't ready at 18. Like just building a trust is important with kids but at the same time knowing what they're doing in your absence or >> you know keeping a watch is important at certain age because after after that after certain age it's kind of like I'm not listening to you. So when the kids are younger it's more easy to you know tell them what to do than when they grow up you know they are on their own.
>> So the foundation I feel is important at least the first 5 years for a kid. I mean this just my opinion.
>> So it's very crucial because it's kind of like a play-doh. They are you're forming a shape.
>> So it's important how you raise them uh you know and what you want them to embibe.
>> Yes.
>> Is crucial. So >> because it forms every other relationship.
>> Yeah.
>> Childhood.
>> And like you mentioned, you don't know who's behind these apps. And so like Roblox, who doesn't play that? My daughter plays Roblox a lot, but I'm there next to her. There's sometimes there's like this certain drawing game and there was one time we were on there and somebody went on that Roblox game and drew something completely unappropriate and I had to exit out before she even saw it.
>> So I think monitoring >> like it in a certain extent she has um a phone that's not even connected but if she goes on Wi-Fi it connects and she'll text and she'll FaceTime but I'm still making sure who is she facetiming? I trust her, but you just never know. I don't check her text messages because I trust her enough. I know the daughter that I raised know she's not going to be texting no boys or anything. I know she's [laughter] >> I mean I know what I know it's going to come one day, but [laughter] right now she's only 10 going to 11.
>> But that's the thing, right? Like the childhood is very short-lived now because of internet.
>> Very what? I'm sorry. like the the the childhood like the innocence is very shortlived because of internet and they get educated sooner than they should >> and then we have AI now which I'm completely against chat GBT AI I had to use it the other day because I have a sibling or one of my siblings passed away and so I was like can you create this memorial and it did it and the way that it did it with the picture of my sibling I was completely shocked so I'm like imagine what else can be created that our kids could see. And I'm not going to lie, sometimes I'm scrolling through social media and there's this video and I'm like, "Is that I?" And then my daughter will be like, "Mom, that's a I." [laughter] >> I'm like, "Oh, well, I'm already over here getting scammed." So, I just could just like, you know, cuz just imagine other kids.
>> Yeah.
>> I'm big on my kids making even though they're really young, I'm big on them making choices. So if they do something and I just so happen to walk by and I hear something that's doesn't seem right, I'm not necessarily monitoring them. But if I hear something and catch something that isn't right, we discuss it, have a talk. Okay, why is this not right? Why shouldn't we be watching this? Because what the point is, I want them because I can't be everywhere. I want them to be able to go out in the world and make choices on their own so that when I'm not there and they are with kids that maybe are not doing right or well, they know what to do and they can come back and say, "Mommy, today this, this, and that happened." And it happens all the time at school. They'll say, "Hey, such and such did this or someone drew a picture of a private part and you know, I wasn't involved in it."
But I want them and at six years old, that's big for my daughter to be to be that aware. And that's what I've kind of taught them. I don't want to because I want them to be comfortable coming to me with anything regardless of what it is.
Um >> and and I don't want to cuz my mom was very like, "No, you can't do this. No, you can't." And so obviously when we got out in the world, we did everything that she said not to do.
>> And I don't want them to do that. I want them to be able to make choices, understand why I'm saying no. Not just you shouldn't be watching this or you there's a reason because there are predators out there. There are people that want to do bad things to children.
I want to have reasons. I don't want to just tell them no, you can't do this.
There there's a reason. It's not because mommy doesn't want you to enjoy watching certain things or, you know, hanging out with friends, but there's a reason for everything. So, that's kind of my take on it.
>> Yes, I agree with that. Yeah, I mean it's uh it's definitely like I would want like I said before like I want their safety. I want them to make better choices. I mean by guiding them what's right and wrong. They should be able to make a choice or like make smart decisions which will make the parents proud, right? So it's basically you're not controlling them. Hey, you can't do that. Does that teaching them from right from wrong?
>> If I'm >> But I think the question was if [clears throat] they read about something or learned about something that was maybe something that we didn't agree about or we we weren't on the same page, how we would react. It could go back to the same question with gender, right? Yeah.
>> So, if my daughter came to me one day and she said, um, you know, I want to be a boy or I want to be gay or whatever. I I think that's what she's saying. and if we felt differently about it. But in answer to that question, I would support my daughter no matter what she wanted to do, whether it was a choice that I wouldn't make for myself. But that's how I would answer that question.
>> Yeah. I mean, like I agree with her what she said like come to me with good news and bad news and let's discuss it and let's talk as a debate or like see if you can convince me or I can convince you of my ideas. So have an o open conversations. Whatever you see on online or if you're confused, >> come to your parents because they know they they'll always have a good in you.
>> They're not going to mislead you, right?
I mean >> if you trust us like like create that trust with your parents.
>> I think it depends how old they are too.
So if you're talking to a young child, obviously you want them to listen to you because you're the parent and you know you have the experience. But if you're talking to a 21-year-old like I am, she's pretty darn smart. In fact, I think she might be smarter than me. So, I'm going to listen to her and and she can probably convince me that it makes sense and it's the best thing for her to do. So, >> and having an open mindset >> for sure, >> you know, open mindset. I I think that's half the battle >> always.
>> Because a lot of times I think some parents are like, I'm the parent, you're the child, you listen.
>> You listen.
>> I say, do what I say.
>> A lot of people like that's awful.
>> I'll give you a silly example. Like my daughter, like you said, you're right.
But then growing up, she never liked me shopping at Zara. Like those are mommy clothes. And now she's 21 and she's like shopping in Zara. And I'm like, "Hello, who's shopping in Zara now?" [laughter] >> I can't even things like that have happened, you know.
>> So yeah, >> a lot of the trends they're bringing back now from when we were younger, you know.
>> I have had a conversation with my child about how to behave if they are stopped by the police.
I've had to have the conversation because my 16-year-old who is gay, she looks more like a boy um than she does like a girl. So, of course, she won't get stopped driving cuz she's not driving yet. But if you're on the public transportation or if you're out on the mall with your friends and um a police officer comes up to you, this is how you should react. Only because because she presents as a boy and being a black male in P not in Pennsylvania, that's where I'm from. I'm sorry. Being a black male African-American in this country is just some things just don't go right when they are when they are having police interactions. So, we definitely have to have that conversation. It's basically just don't be defensive, take your guard off, >> keep your hands out of your pocket, and just just comply, you know, because they don't know what you are. You barely can see her boobs, you know, she has dreads, she's beautiful, but her demeanor sometimes is kind of like a boy, and sometimes that can be intimidating to police officers, you know. So, we definitely had the conversation. Yes, I've had that conversation with my daughter as well, but the reason being is because I almost ca became a police officer. So, and I've worked for the government for a few years. So, we're exposed to law enforcement. We respect law enforcement, but I still, you know, have showed my daughter, hey, god forbid when you get older, you get pulled over by police officers because we respect them. You know, this is how you are to behave. you know, they're probably gonna ask you insurance, ID, and all that. Um, but it's also, you know, what you mention, it's like sometimes there's good and there's bad police officers, which is very sad. And I was a cadet for a few years. I was a police explorer and I've seen the bad side. It's just it's sad. It's there. Um, I went through the police academy as well. And so it's important to have those conversations with our children because even though I know that my daughter is, you know, a good person, she's going to grow up to be a good person, I don't know what police officer she will come across, it could be a good one, it could be a bad one. So just, you know, knowing how to behave, I think it's important.
>> Yeah.
>> I I would say like to my kids that it's about they're they're here for their safety, trust, and knowing the rights.
So you should know what your rights are and it's for the safety. So it's it's basically preparing them for a better like you're being a responsible parent telling them about what's out there like if the cops come they're doing their job but at the same time know your li I mean know your safety and know what the rights are.
>> Yes. That too cuz you know exercising your fifth amendment rights as well. So they need to know that. They definitely need to know that um there's police officers out there that are doing their job and then some that aren't. So, you know, knowing the law, knowing your rights.
>> It's like going back to like younger days like about bad touch and good touch, right? So it's something like that like know what your rights are be make sure your safety give respect to them don't treat them like you know they're doing their job so you have to check all that like you know all the check marks don't get intimidated be like very uh don't feel nervous they're just doing their job at the same time if they're not following the right you know like if they're not following the line of order then you got to raise I mean, you got to complain or take action.
>> This question actually made me sad because I never had My children are much older. They're older than a lot of the people on this panel. My oldest is 32.
Um, so a lot of these questions about internet and monitoring don't really apply because my kids didn't have that accessible. But the police thing, um, they grew up in a very white dominated upstate New York, um, privileged area and police were considered like uncles or whatever. And so we never had that conversation. Um and then my godson came into our family who um was adopted from Africa and we started to see some of the police brutality and that came across my mind like he needs to be told how to handle himself in a situation where my biological children didn't have to give it a second thought. And here my godson who's not a blood relative and he's not even my own son. He's my godson. But still I look at him as you know an extension of my family would be treated so differently in a similar circumstance. And that really bothered me. And I think that's a problem that is not addressed enough. And I think it's part of the unfortunate white privilege that people don't like to admit to. And I'm I'm glad that I'm white, but sometimes I'm hurtful that that's what I have to face with other people and not I'm not that person. And I feel like that sometimes comes across that um you're white privilege. And I and I understand that firsthand. And I don't really know how to make that a better scenario for people, but um I think it's something that needs to be talked about more. And I think being white, it's hard to admit that you have privilege or you feel privileged. You rather just say no, they're being dramatic or at least that was my experience growing up or in my family or in my community was like, oh, it was the other person's fault. And um you know now I'm the the house and one of the family but I feel like that it is it's sad and it's it's still very real today.
>> It is it's very sad. It's very sad but thank you for being aware.
>> Thank you for caring.
>> Yeah. Compassion takes takes you far. I would say just don't be ashamed of who you are because your character and how you hold yourself and present yourself to the world will speak volumes more than a but I also think that it's hard because people evolve and like um I know where I grew up and what I was doing for my kids at the time when they were small to protect them and raise them in a safe environment. And I saw a lot of the negative sides of that conservative Christian upbringing that probably did some harm and not so much good. Um, but at the time I thought I was doing the best that I could for them um, in that scenario. And so I think that's why I kind of teeter on both sides. I I see value in both sides, but I think it's important for there to be um, shades of gray and not so much black and white.
>> Sorry. Well put. Yeah.
>> The last sentence was fair.
>> Yes.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> Because in the end we all like humans.
We are one tribe. You know >> we may look you know in different shapes and sizes but we are humans. You know we can >> and we all bleed the same.
>> Yes. That's right.
>> Yes.
>> My children know my political beliefs and I want them to share the same beliefs.
I would say they know my and they're very little but they I'm teaching them what I want them to learn, what that I want them to know, what I want them to live by. So maybe not fully politically speaking because again they're two in one but I they know they're starting to learn more or less what I want and what I don't want and expectations that I do have. Yes, my daughter knows my political beliefs and my entire family does and we don't lean the same way.
Some are left, some are right. Um, but we still respect each other. But do I want my daughter to hold the same political beliefs? Yes. And she does.
And same same um religion beliefs as well. My daughter's very into politics.
Um, she's just 10 years old, but she's very Yes. [laughter] But um, yeah. Um, my kids know my political beliefs. Um, however, I even though I'm conservative, I [laughter] I feel like I could be in between, but however, I feel like they are their own people. I am not here to try to force anybody, >> kids, parents, anybody, anyone here to believe what I believe because I have a reason to believe what I believe. I yes, obviously I I want them to have certain values, but I I don't want them to to just I want them to know why they're doing it. Like I feel like this whole do do it because I'm doing it. It doesn't really work.
>> I don't think anyone here would say that they try to do that. I think everyone would try to have a conversation with their children and get them to understand where we're coming from. I believe in open dialogue as well. I think probably everybody here would. I don't I I would I I would hope to believe that nobody would be doing that to their children.
>> No, I agree. But I I think what I'm trying to say is >> Sorry for interrupting.
>> No, no, no. You're good. You're good. Um I think what I'm trying to say is I feel like my kids should be themselves, whatever. if they want to to decide, obviously that would not be my choice, but if they decide to have to be a liberal, okay, be a liberal. Like there is not there I feel like and even now when you when you think about liberal and conservative currently to this day, it's very >> it's it's not really defined if you want to be honest. If we're looking at conservatives and liberals, it >> right now we're in a world where everybody's just doing whatever >> and there really isn't there really isn't >> like the conservatives really aren't conservatives anymore and the liberals really aren't liberals. So >> I agree.
>> I'm kind of giving everybody including my children time to find themselves and what they believe in and what they feel like is right for them because what is right for me may not be right for them.
>> That's right.
>> That's right. It may not be because I've walked a different life. I've had to go through different things that they probably might not go through.
>> So maybe a liberal would be better for them growing up.
>> You know, everybody experiences life once. Everybody's experiences are different. My children's experience will be different from mine.
>> I grew up completely different. You know, they are living in a very affluent area. I didn't grow up like that. So >> the views will be different. Yes. And and I that's kind of what I tell anybody, my kids, my friends, family. It's all love.
At the end of the day, it's all love. It It's all love. This whole this this that that that it's all love. I am just full of love. Whatever that may be. If it's Christian, if it's Hindu, it whatever it is, I love people because we only get to experience everybody on this earth once.
Whether you're Christian, whether you're whatever, you only experience everybody once. Everybody at the end of the day will will go on and I don't want to have that that feeling that oh I'm not you know oh because I don't want to have an estrange relationship with my kids because they don't believe what I believe because they don't practice the religion that I practice. Yes I'm Christian. Yes I I'm also Jewish too. Yes I have strict things. But at the same time these are my babies.
>> Yes. and I'm going to love them regardless. Regardless because I gave birth to them and I I I can't see it in any other way. I wouldn't I couldn't fathom seeing it in another way. I I agree we should love our children. I I I and mistake me correct me if I'm wrong.
I just don't maybe I'm misperceiving what you're trying to say. Um I don't see anything wrong with having strong convictions. Like I I have a set way and I don't think that's wrong. I personally don't I mean I think what I think obviously I think what I think is right.
Um I I will never force anything upon them. I will again just open dialogue. I have a very open dialogue house. Me and my husband will ramble on for hours at night. Like it's it's it's never you must do it because I say so. Like that's that's that's evil to me. It's evil to me. And I I I believe [snorts] even now as myself like I sat here and I chose the conservative side, but I would say I'm more in the middle. I wouldn't say I'm >> There's so many things happened within this last election that kind of like opened my eyes. And I agree our views can shift and even our convictions can shift. That's not a bad thing. I just think we should know what they are though and try to be rooted in them.
That's that's I think the end goal for myself at least.
>> Try to just be strong in my convictions.
>> And I feel like everything, like I said, at the end of the day, God is love.
>> Yes. Amen.
>> Period. End of discussion. End of discussion. Whether you whatever you believe at the end of the day, God is going to love you. Doesn't matter. It It really doesn't matter. And that's just how I feel. I Yeah. Christian, but God is love. And that pretty much is all that needs to be said. Like I and I feel like too love is people gray the area of love. Love is unconditional. And when you're saying unconditional, you mean without conditions. It doesn't matter.
They can go out and do something crazy.
And you know what? I would still love them.
>> Yes.
>> It >> Yes.
>> Unconditional. No argument, no judgment.
Unconditional. And And that's what I hold myself on to. I can And I think what you're saying is 100%. I agree.
Everyone now I feel like even here are kind of in between. We're all like we're not really I don't feel like everyone here is like liberal and conser I think everybody is kind of just >> going with how they grew up what they believe in and it's all love at the end of the day.
>> That's that's that's it.
>> I agree. I agree with you. I agree with you. I think I lean to more lean more towards you because I grew up differently than my kids and I don't want them to experience anything that I experience. But we're very vocal in my household, religiously, politically. Um, but I don't want to make them feel this is how me and, you know, my wife feel about certain things, so you have to feel this way. Um, again, just like you said, love. God is love. That's how we operate. And that's it.
>> Because they are themselves are I mean, [clears throat] sorry, they're they're them. They're different than us. So, we can't expect them to be like us. They're not our mirror. They are our kids, but they're not the mirror copy of us. So, they should have a choice to decide what's right and wrong for them.
>> Not just that, but respect as well.
Obviously, we're having this conversation and it's both liberal and conservative. So, whatever, you know, side our kids decide to choose, um, have respect for others that, you know, think differently.
>> Yeah.
>> As well.
>> Like one time my daughter comes to me like when she was teenage or something and she said, "Oh, mom, I'm an atheist."
So, I didn't I didn't react to it, which is because I didn't want to tell her, "Oh my god, that's like a thing." So, I just uh I just looked at my husband and said when she was gone, I said, "Don't worry, when she doesn't get the first job, she's going to pray to God."
[laughter] And it happened. I mean, she's looking for a job in New York. And she, "God, give me a job." I'm like, "Oh, you're atheist and you're praying now." So, let them, you know, let them make mistakes.
Let them learn.
>> You're always there to guide them, >> but they are not you. So, you have to give them that right to be them.
>> Yeah.
>> Yes.
>> I took my um about a couple months ago, we joined this church and my 16-year-old um because we do like a meditating session. That's how they open the service. And afterwards, I'm like I said, how what did you think about the service? She was like, "Feels like a cult." And I was like, "What do you mean?" And I my other daughter's like, "I love it, mom. I can't wait to come back." And then sometimes when we do service online, you know, she's like, "And I want to do this med meditation."
And my other daughter's like, "Yeah, no, I'm I'm I'm good on all that." Now, she loves to service, loves it, doesn't want to be disrupted. Last week, we we were doing service online and I was in the kitchen cooking and she's like, "Mom, could you like calm down a little bit?
Like you're being loud." And I'm like, "You're the same kid. This church feels like a cult." So, >> you just don't know. They just need to have options like to make the mistakes, to understand things on their own because they're always going to come back to us.
>> Yeah. So when you give them that option, they like you because they they're free with you then because if you're putting restrictions, then they want to go elsewhere for their, >> you know, for their whatever uh whatever the word is. So it's good to be, you know, like a more like a friendish than a mom or a dad.
>> I disagree. I disagree.
>> I'm not my kids friend.
>> Okay. No, I'm not my their friend either, but I want them to come to me like not for everything, but I want them to be natural them. not something they're looking for like they're like I don't want them to be something they think I like >> you know like in that way it's not I don't want a friend too like I want a friend but not >> and I want a healthy I want them to have a healthy fear >> exactly >> but yet I'm not not your friend >> yeah I agree with that >> I want and I I stay approachable >> I'm open even sometimes we have conversations and I go in the room and I'm like balling crying but at the same time I don't want them not to come to me but certain things I'm like yeah I don't want to talk about Yeah, like I'm not one of your friends.
>> I do want to add I feel like because my kids are so young, like it's easier to just feed them what you want them to believe. And most of you guys have like more or you also have younger kids, but like most of you guys have like older kids. So, it's like I know as I grow things will change. I'll believe different things. My convictions will change. I hope like the big ones will still be the same, but I I know that like other things will be similar. I know I want to break generational curses. I don't want to repeat the same thing. My mother I don't want to speak bad about her on the internet. um just wasn't [laughter] the greatest and um I was like there's no way there's no way I can repeat that. Like I don't understand how someone could do certain things to their children. So I trunk the complete opposite. Um but do it in love. I I really am trying to do it in love. I promise. I love my kids.
>> Um they're my everything. And I just I want to I want them to be good in society. Like it's hard out there. Like I'm very young. I'm only 25. So like I even for me like when I'm in the grocery store by myself, I'm like getting looked at. I'm like okay [laughter] I'm just a mom. I I I I agree with a lot with everything you guys are saying.
>> Like again, parenting is very subjective >> and what works for you may not work for somebody else. So whatever rocks your boat.
>> Sure.
>> Yeah.
>> I feel motherhood rocks my boat.
[laughter] >> It's hard.
>> It is hard.
>> Fulltime job. As moms, we feel we always feel guilty that you didn't do this for your child. It's okay. You know, you can't like I tell my kids, you can't have it all because it's better to prepare them for disappointments than telling you can have it everything. You know, >> because life is full of ups and downs and you have to face it, you know. You can't just think it's like a fairy tale.
There's no prince charming.
>> That's right.
>> You have to work towards it, [laughter] you know, or you know, whatever.
>> That's right. Absolutely.
>> A mother's most important job is to raise children, not to have a career.
>> Um, I'm a stay-at-home mom, so that's just by choice. My husband didn't force me to do anything. I I love being a stay at home mom. I do plan on homeschooling my kids. I might have said that already.
Um so to me it's important. I understand I have a a lot of my sisters are single moms. So like I'm not going to sit there and say stay home with your kids. You got to work. If you got to work, you got to work. So I'll never like this is like a both. Like you can do what is right for your family. And that one I'm very like firm on. You do what's right for your family. Whatever. California is expensive. So like you got to do what you got to do. And as long as you know in your heart it's your conviction to work or to not work. I think it's between you and God. It's it's it's a choice that you have to make for yourself. And I don't think anyone should push one way or another. I Yeah.
I don't think anyone should push one way or another.
>> It's whatever is best for your family.
>> I had a scenario that just happened to me this week. We were at lunch with my daughter and her new boyfriend and we were at lunch and I was kind of they're getting to the they're getting older. So, we're talking about like life. They're going to do a long-distance relationship. They just met in Barcelona and now anyway now they're going to try to figure out a long-distance relationship. So I was really getting down to the nitty-gritty and I said and they're both in finance and they both want to be financial advisor vest or whatever. And so I said, um, okay, well he wanted to go to New York. We live in Orange County. She wants to raise her children in Orange County. So I'm trying to figure out where is grandma I'm going to be ending up, right? And so she said, "Well, mom, uh, when we get married, I he already knows I'm not working anyway." And I was like, "Okay, I just am spending all this money on education right now." And when you get married, you're not going to work. What? Like, that's not how I brought her up, right? I brought her up where you go to college and you work.
And I mean I had a choice but the choice for me was working because it was just something that I love to do. But but for her I it just kind of blew me away honestly. And in my idea and I guess what how I kind of put my ideas on her is I said well what about this? I mean you're you're going to be building your career.
You don't want to get married till you're 27 or 28. You're going to have 10 years building your career. Why not? And the career is once you have your portfolio or whatever, you can work from home and you can still make the money, but you don't have to like just say, "I'm never going to work again." But I guess the whole point was it kind of blew me away because it was completely different than how I was raised. To this day, I don't know when I'm going to be able to stop working. But then at the end, she's like, "Okay, well, maybe I'll do that when I have kids then. Maybe I just won't work when I have kids." And I never even knew this about my daughter.
I was like, "Wow, I never knew that you didn't want to work." So, it's a choice.
She can do what she wants. I certainly didn't raise her that way. It didn't even occur to me that she would ever not want to work.
>> So, I just thought I'd share that with you guys.
>> Yeah. I guess like being a mom is diff like it's significantly important >> important to be a mom, but at the same time, it's very difficult for a woman to be choosing work over family, right? I mean we I feel that we shouldn't moms shouldn't be mom's value shouldn't be determined based on she's working from home or she's going to work. I mean it's a very difficult situation but as moms we I think decide what's best for the family or the kids and we take that decision and one should respect that. I think >> I'm going to say one more thing. So the job that I've always had it's in been in sales so I make my own hours and I always worked from home. I've actually never had to go to an office. So, when she was a baby, and when I say I chose to work, I would put her in daycare for three hours because I thought it was a really good way for her to get acclimated. In fact, to this day, I have a best friend from preschool. But I always took my daughter to school. She never went to daycare. I always picked her up when school was out. So, I had the flexibility of making money, getting that what I needed as a professional woman to feel, you know, that I was contributing or whatever, and a single mom at three and a half. But I was always there for my daughter and I was able to do both. So I was blessed because her dad, for example, he did have to go to work before she woke up and he did have to come home usually like 7 or 8:00 at night. So luckily I had the kind of job where I could in a way stay home, but I still got my work and I'm still like that. I'd also like to add something like I do believe do what's best for your family. But I also do believe that like especially in the beginning years I for me personally I think it's very important to be with your children because they're your new babies. They're they're they don't know anything in the world. They don't know really anything cuz you got to shape them and form them and they need there's something about a mother's comfort, a mother's kisses, cuddles that they they need. It's like >> Yeah. You want to see the first smile, the first walk. You don't want to miss that, you know? Like that's Oh, I'm getting goosebumps.
>> [laughter] >> Um, but I want to add sometimes it's hard because I'm a single mom. Um, although her dad is in the picture, but I am a single mom and so I still try to, you know, be home with her all the time and pick up at, you know, do school pickups and all that. But, um, I just received a degree yesterday. And so, I didn't just >> I didn't just walk that stage for my family or for myself. I specifically did it for her. I want to be an example to my daughter. And so she's going to middle school. And so I told her, you know, I although it's summer, we're still going to read books because I I want you to graduate from middle school and go into high school with honor courts. Like I want to see that, you know, I want a good future for my daughter. And I've seen the downside as well. We have a family member, she's about maybe 35, 36, that's never has never had a career and she's struggling very bad. And so that's somebody who I constantly pray for because I see the way that they were raised and it's really sad. They don't know how to drive. They I believe they do have a degree in something but they've never used it.
>> Yeah.
>> And so I see the downside of it. Um I see some of my nieces and nephews as well, which is very heartbreaking that they just like completely aren't even trying in school. So I think about their future. I doing the best that I can because again it goes back to breaking those curses because I myself I'm first generation. I'm the first one and I have six siblings. The first one to have graduated elementary, middle, high school and college. So you know thank you proud of that.
>> Thank you. I am. [laughter] >> But it's good to be independent at the same time. You know it's a very tough >> place to be. And I think the world's shifting a little bit because I mean my like I said my kids are between the ages of 32 and almost 22. So different generation. Um and I think when I was younger it was perceived that you go to college then you get married then you have kids. And that was and some people maybe shouldn't have had children or maybe shouldn't have had that pressure.
maybe they wanted to choose not to have children or have less children or not get married right away. And so for them to be told they should be a stay-at-home mom um isn't a great option for them.
They're not going to be a great mom.
They're not going to be a great person, an individual. I >> agree with that.
>> Um I think nowadays it's more accepted that, >> you know, it's more of a choice if you choose to have a family or not. So it's getting a little bit easier as women. Um but I also have seen like you said the downside of people who have um chosen motherhood as their identity not just their career. And so >> your child is eventually if you did your job going to leave you and become a productive person in society. And if that is your only identity factor when you become >> middle-aged who are you?
>> Yeah. And there's a big crisis with a lot of women in that 40 to 60 age range who always were told just stay home, take care of your kids, you know, don't be selfish and have a career and now they have >> nothing and jobless and and a lot of them did not work on themselves or have the the luxury of therapy. So they were repeating generational traumas and issues with their own children and now >> they're wondering why they are there the way they are. And so I think it's it's changing, but I think the middleage demographic, especially in the US, um I've been doing a lot of work internationally, so I've seen a little bit of difference based on region, but I think here there's a big um there's a big disconnect in that 40 to 60 age range in terms of what women should and shouldn't do and who they should be and who they shouldn't be. And um so I think it's hard because they're getting from their parents or grandparents that are a little older seeing them come out and be an independent person or speak differently or have different way of living that's not accepted and they're feeling the guilt and shame but they're trying to break the curses or the traumas or the generational issues in the family for their own children which may or may not work. Their children may or may not accept that. Um, I'm going through that with some of my own children. Um, because all they've known is the conservative Christian values, morals, and family members that when someone's challenging that that it's easier to stay comfortable >> and identify in things that maybe don't serve them the best. Yeah.
>> And so they'd rather choose comfort over discomfort and evolution and health and change.
>> So powerful.
>> It's a hard it's a very hard place to be right now for a lot of people. And so when I see younger people who are in my kids age range who are so pro and I'm glad that you guys are both all of you seem to be very >> gray in their conservative um viewpoints, but um it makes me concerned that when there's younger people who are so hard and fast in a way and they're not willing to be curious and look at why when someone says something that doesn't um align with their values, why it's triggering them to react in such a um reactive way and not choosing to like reflect and maybe look at why that's happening.
>> What I will say is I started my career young like at 16. I started a family really young. My husband ended up dying during co Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. and left me with like three babies. So, three little ones. Um, so >> I've had to kind of adjust and even though I'm like a single parent now, I'm able to pick them up every day from school, drop them off. I'm at every um outing, every playdate, every balancing, you know, between working, you know, full-time and doing what I love and being a mother. Um, and I've been able to find the balance and, >> you know, not without support of my mom and and his family, too. Um, but I think balance is a big thing. Um, because I was a stay-at-home stay-at-home even though I because I had my career early. So, I was able to be a stay-at-home mom once I got married. And it was good for the time being, but, you know, I guess it wasn't God's plan. And you know, I had to kind of step into that and and and I don't feel like it's a negative thing to to work and to be able to find that balance and still be there for your kids regardless. Um, as a as a mother, I I kind of think it's very empowering to be able to to navigate and and do everything and be everything. And and I think the important part for me is also prioritizing myself too because when I was a stay-at-home mom, I was overweight. I was not really, you know, even though I was at home, I wasn't really focused on, you know, myself. Now I'm in the gym, you know, I do pilot.
I'm able to do everything. Um, and still be there for my kids and still be there for pickups and and PTA stuff like and I I I feel like it's empowering and and and you know, no knock to the stay-at-home moms.
>> I was out a stay at home [laughter] mom and I am really appreciative that you recognize that to prioritize yourself >> and not put yourself last. Um, I had a business. I owned my own business when I had my kids grow when they were growing up and it worked out that I worked in the night. So, I was home with them during the day. So, I was trying to do all the things and it is challenging and you can't be all things to everyone and you have to learn to fill your cup and it's another thing that when I started to do it was met with >> you're selfish and challenge. So, I I see it shifting, but I do agree with you in that um there are ways to work around, but I think it's important for every single everyone's a mom here to realize that you every single mom is going to do something that is going to hurt their child. Not intentionally, but because we're human and that's going to happen. And so not to try to be the perfect parent >> and to be an authentic parent, >> you know, and say, "I made a mistake."
And >> can't feel guilty >> and and and learn to Yes, you did the best you could with what you had, the tools you had.
>> And so I think it's important to recognize that. And so some people may not >> be ready to be parents because >> they're not ready to be parents. And I honor that and I applaud that um because a lot of us didn't have those um options or choices when we were growing up. Um I had my son very young um in college. I was a single mom and then I felt I had to do the right thing. And so after I started my business, I got married and had three more children and did all the things. I tried to be all the things and um put myself not always first. And that's when things weren't always so good for my kids, >> you know. So, I think it's important to realize that you're not going to do everything right. And um being a mom is a privilege. Not everyone gets that option and that opportunity. And it's also >> your own choice to be a parent. And when the time is right, if the time is right.
>> Yeah. You are important too and have like lot of me times. Yeah. Because if you take care of yourself, you can take care of your kids well.
>> That's right. And if you don't take care of yourself, then it's going to come out on the kids.
>> It's going to happen. Agitated. You're going to be stressed. The littlest thing is going to make you blow up.
>> You know, I didn't have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom. And now I'm home more. I pick the kids up from school. I take them to all their games and their athletes. And I want them to get amazing scholarships and go to college. But it's not like after college you got to get married. after college, you got to do this, you do that.
>> Do whatever you want to do. I'm here if you fall. I'm here if you go and do great things, you know. But I fill my cup up.
>> When the kids leave for school, I leave out with them. My wife's like, "Darn, you left like 8:00." And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm at the nail salon. I'm here.
I'm at the gym." Because I'm filling up my cup cuz I don't know what I'm going to come home to or what they're at school dealing with or just, >> you know, just life. It's just it's uncomfortable right now. And I'm in that age bracket you talked about. I'm 46 and it's very uncomfortable, but I'm content and and I'm happy, you know, but I'm very uncomfortable and it's a good thing.
>> It is good to be uncomfortable.
>> I think um what I've kind of taken from this conversation is just again love and just be open-minded just about everything across the board. So yeah.
>> Yeah. For me it's it's awareness and diversity and I just love love it. I love different views. It's sometimes conversations that I don't really have very often. So, but it's nice. I'm not It's nice to know nothing's right or wrong. We're all kind of together. And what is nice meeting all of you ladies is we all love God and I love that. So, um it was nice meeting you all.
>> Yeah, I really enjoyed this conversation. Like I know not everyone's going to see eye to eye and that's that's fine. And like I don't think everyone I don't even think it would ever even be possible as long as we always strive to be the best parents. I that's that's truly the end goal. So to know in your heart and to know that you just did everything that you could in your power to to raise good children, gra good citizens for the future, that's really important.
>> Yes. And we need these type of conversations as well because obviously, you know, our kids are being exposed to so many things and like you said, you know, we have to be the best parents that we could be to our children and so it was amazing being able to talk to every single one of you. So >> yeah.
>> Yeah, it was it was fun. It was enlightening. Um I'm glad I met all of you and I learned a lot today.
>> I did.
>> Yes. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to meet you all and have conversations with such a diverse group um not just on the political side but also on the age um on the ethnic everything. It's just a religious um it's exciting to have that conversation and spark curiosity and um just know that we have more similarities than differences.
>> Yes. Yes.
Well, nice meeting all of you and I take back a lot of different aspects from different moms. Great. Very great. Uh, you know, takeaway and all I say to moms is there's no right or wrong when you when it comes to your kids. So, you guys are doing a great job.
>> Thank you.
>> We're all doing a good job.
>> Yes.
[laughter] >> What's the heart? The hearts. I forget.
I don't know what the hearts. Yeah.
like, "Yeah, I can do it." [laughter] >> Thank you.
>> [applause]
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