I TURNED MYSELF INTO A PRODUCT

Added: 2026-05-23

[00:00:00]These Only Fans girls are narcissists.

[00:00:02]They are everything that's wrong with society. I don't have any respect for a woman that I can buy for a dollar. These women need attention so bad. It's honestly so embarrassing. Self-respect has left the chat. Their fathers must be so proud. These are real comments that girls like me receive on a daily basis.

[00:00:22]Wait, did I scare you? Did I scare you?

[00:00:25]No. Baby. Baby. Sh. Mama won't do that again. Lies, lies, narcissist, narcissist, narcissist.

[00:00:33]Okay, Deborah, chill. After getting enough comments like this, I do it leaves an obvious thought for me to explore, which is what if they are right and I have to talk about it because it hits so close to home for me because yeah, I do enjoy attention. Like, I'm not even going to do the fake humble thing. I enjoy attention the way that a house plant enjoys sun. I come alive.

[00:00:58]You guys make me come alive.

[00:01:04]Come here. There is a difference between being a narcissist and enjoying attention. Come on, Deborah. If loving compliments makes someone a narcissist, then any woman who's ever posted a new hair selfie is clinically insane.

[00:01:21]Wait, are we? This is going to be a mental organization challenge for me cuz we're going to go back to my childhood.

[00:01:26]Okay. I was a very emotional kid. My poor parents. My poor dad. He couldn't handle it. I cried constantly. Like every emotion felt like the season's finale of a television show. Dad, I'm so sorry. I haven't changed much, by the way. Well, no, no, no. I've changed. My dad would ask, "What's wrong?" And I'd open my mouth to talk and it would just be tears. And he'd say, "Why are you crying?" And I would just cry harder.

[00:01:50]And he'd be like, "Okay, you need to go to your room. Calm down. Come back.

[00:01:53]We'll talk about it." I would do that. I would come back. He'd be like, "What's wrong?" And it would be, "Water works."

[00:02:01]I'm still a big crybaby when I'm feeling something intense. But of course, I'm grown, so emotions are not this new thing to me. I understand my emotions better, particularly that it's okay to take time to process them. New feelings, new thoughts, big feelings. Yes, translating emotion into language felt impossible. It was too intense for me to muscle the words out over tears. The only relevant comparable I can think of to make you really understand what it feels like is when I read my wedding vows. Do you cry at weddings? I cry at weddings. I couldn't even speak properly. I'm trying to read the words from my soul to my husband and I'm very raw in the way that I express. I don't hold anything back. So, I'm saying romantic things and I'm sounding like a Victorian ghost that's drowning in a lake.

[00:02:48]To stop myself from crying, I have to detach. And I don't like doing that. I'm not a halfway person. I am all the way in kind of person. Unfortunately for everyone around me or no, it's a blessing. It's a that's a wonderful trait. But I think you get the point now. I'm a huge crybaby. Moving on. Okay. I love my parents very much.

[00:03:09]Let me just start there. My parents had so many challenges put in front of them.

[00:03:13]And when my sister and I moved into my dad's house with my dad and my stepmom, which by the way, I usually refer to my stepmom as my mom and then my birth mom as my birth mom. So when we moved in with my mom and my dad, my older sister and I were severely traumatized and then we moved in with my two younger step siblings, who I also don't call my step siblings. They are just my siblings. Mom and dad did the best that they could with the tools that they had. They protected. They provided. We were even a little spoiled. We had a whole basement to play Barbies in. There was no supervision when we were stripping down Barbie and Ken and making them make out.

[00:03:52]My dad built us a park in the backyard.

[00:03:54]It was spectacular. Before moving in with my mom and dad, I came from government housing, so this was like rich kids stuff. We went back to school shopping for clothes every year. That was wild because before that, it was all hand-me-downs. My parents had four daughters. So, when you have four daughters, individuality starts becoming a group project. You're not raising kids anymore. You're running a small Costco.

[00:04:18]And I could definitely tell and was appreciative that there was more financial support around me at this time in my life. I still had like a welfare kid mindset. Like I was trained I was definitely I definitely had a scarcity mindset. And with four girls, it was important that I kept that. My parents weren't exactly trying to train that out of me or anything. So that was hard because I felt emotionally disconnected because I felt like I wasn't allowed to need things. I got very used to asking for things that were already emotionally approved. Like if my had my dad had a fun idea like building a park in the backyard, I could get really excited about that. And that was definitely more than I had come from before. But there was tough things like I shoplifted my first bra because I was too afraid to ask for one, which is honestly such a deeply feminine origin story.

[00:05:01]Batman fell into a cave of bats and Vera Bambi stole her first bra from a Victoria's Secrets. Hey, the bugs out here are starting to bug me. We are going inside where the background is not as nice. BRB. Hey, location change. Say hi to Bats, Soups, and Wonder Woman. Hey guys, joining us for our video. I was a bit of a troublesome kid. I really felt that I was responsible to mainly take care of myself. there weren't enough resources to go around. So, I got up into all sorts of trouble. I had a serious shoplifting thing that was going for a while. And it sort of started with things that I felt like I needed, such as my first bra. Oh my god, I'm having Oh my god, I just Oh my god, I remember the Okay, so I stole this bra and I remember I took a photo of myself wearing it looking really sexy at an age that was I mean it was fine, but it was it's kind of like when we see Northwest strutting around and we get like a little bit uncomfortable. So at the end of the day I'm like I think it was fine.

[00:06:07]It's not a big deal. like I would be cool with my daughter doing it. But maybe not though because my thong was fully like sticking out the front of my pants. I I don't know. I I think if anything if I had a daughter it would just be like it's you're a little too young. Just like wait a little bit, you know. Um Oh my god. Yeah. I was so excited about this bra that I took a photo and I posted it online and it's shaking me up right now because when I was telling this story, it wasn't really my plan to be like this is kind of where it all began. It was more just about the whole like I was trying to provide for myself at a very young age thing. Oh my god. Okay. So, that brings us to the internet. Then the internet happens. All right. I'm discovering all these things online. I'm finding all these hot girls.

[00:06:50]Fast forward. I post my first nude photo set online. I am in model mode. Yeah, baby. Which, by the way, at the time felt like a very reasonable and emotionally stable decision for me to make. I was taking my life into my own hands. But truly, it was the greatest decision that I ever made in my life. I got so bullied as a kid in school for just being a weird arty nerd who had a schizophrenic mom. And it was hard. So, when I posted my first set, suddenly all of these people, all of these strangers, they were not just kind to me, okay?

[00:07:25]They were excited that I existed. It shook me to my core in a life-changing way. and talking to you right now. I'm just I feel that it's that same feeling of me posting this video and just feeling as though you watching me and listening to me. I've been going on with my story for so long and you're here with me now. That is something so special that I do not take for granted.

[00:07:48]It's something I'm so grateful for. It was such a powerful experience for me.

[00:07:53]And just right now in this moment talking to you, I'm feeling like this almost deja vuesque thing again because I've never really made a video like this before. This feels like a first. I'm getting actually attention did not feel shallow to me. It felt like taking a huge gulp of air. It felt medicinal.

[00:08:19]This feels medicinal. I'm reliving that feeling right now. I'm not saying that the attention from strangers online should replace therapy, although it did work for me. You know, it really does get under my skin when I hear people say that adult performers have daddy issues.

[00:08:39]And the reason this bothers me so much is because I have such a close and beautiful, open, loving relationship with my dad. But I really, really was struggling with sharing him with my sisters.

[00:08:56]And I'm so grateful for my sisters. I feel like that makes it sound like I'm not, but it's just something that I was struggling with. Part of me feels like I should edit that out because I'm afraid of anyone in my family feeling hurt by the things that I'm saying. But I don't I don't think I said anything too hurtful. I think my sisters know like it was it was just hard to share him because before I moved in with my mom and dad, I would visit my dad and it was like this magical just me and him thing and then moving in it felt like a lot of that.

[00:09:35]Why does that one feel fresh?

[00:09:46]Okay.

[00:09:51]I found a lot of strength and comfort in glamorous women. I was obsessed like spiritually unwell levels of obsessed.

[00:10:04]Just for this part of the video, I wrote a list because this is important.

[00:10:10]Christina Aguilera, Shaniah Twain, Gwen Stefani, Beyonce, Pamela Anderson, TLC, The Girls Next Door, Da Vontise, Dolly Parton, My Birth Mom had me hooked on Sher from a very young age. Okay, Lola Bunny shaped me. Alvara, Jessica Rabbit.

[00:10:30]Okay, there's more. There's more. This is too long, actually. But if she looked expensive and emotionally dangerous, that was my girl. I very much admired my older sister. I still admire my older sister. And she told me once that my tummy resembled Gwen Stefani's. I remember she pointed at a picture of her in a magazine and was like, "Look, that's just like you." And it just gave me insane amounts of confidence cuz I was always bullied for being this scrawny bony skinny thing. An X-ray with hair they would call me. But Gwen Stefani, she was in magazines. She was cool and edgy and sexy and I freaking adored her and other people loved her.

[00:11:12]So that just felt good for me to just look at her and channel myself into that and dream. These women represented something inside of me that I wanted so bad to just be reckless and unbound and beautiful and cause trouble and above all make art. I was raised Catholic, so there were rules about things like makeup and how short your skirt is allowed to be. I think having rules was like the sexiest thing to me. Like I just want to break them. Let me break the rules. I still like that. God, did I love to dream. And I'm still a dreamer, baby. Dream, dream, dream. Okay, I want you to imagine 8-year-old Vera. This is before I lived with mom and dad living with biom. Eight-year-old Vera singing at the top of her lungs. Man, I feel like a woman.

[00:12:06]That's the mindset. Okay, clock in. Is it clocking to you? I had this mindset from the start. From the very first time I saw Shaniah Twain decked out head to toe in cheetah print. That changed my life. At the same time, boys would always tell me that I was too skinny.

[00:12:21]Girls would tell me I was ugly. I had a giant gap between my two teeth. My teeth were all busted and broken because when I was young, I had a rollerblading accident. Smashed all six of my front teeth and it was like half real tooth, half filling. We couldn't afford to get me like any crowns. I had to do that for myself later in life. Very expensive.

[00:12:38]There was like this really traumatizing period of my life where my mom and dad had me in and out of the doctor getting checked if there was anything medically wrong with me because I was so skinny.

[00:12:49]Telling me I'm too skinny at school.

[00:12:51]They're telling me I'm too skinny at home. and in being taken to the doctor to get medically checked out to see what's wrong with me. That stuff that just like it messed me up so bad. The doctor said I was okay, by the way. Just a growing girl. I felt so bad about myself. I don't actually know if my parents knew how bad I felt about myself. My mom did take me out of one school, transferred me into another one because she was aware of how bad the bullying was. I'm a grown ass woman. I'm making decisions for myself. And there are naked photos of me online.

[00:13:24]YOLO. I got nothing to lose. Send. You know, when people say there's something for everyone, I'm learning that there are whole communities of people that have specific interests and I have a bunch of those things. I am being validated for all of the things that I felt really horrible about you and you're showing me so much love and I'm giving it back. It was love that I really needed and I couldn't emotionally bring myself to verbalize and this was my way of expressing. But you know there's another side to that. First of all, it took a while for my family to accept it. Story for another day. People often times are like, "Well, I wouldn't be comfortable doing that." And instead of leaving it there, they start building reasons as to why they are uncomfortable. She has to be broken. She doesn't respect herself. Her family hates her.

[00:14:25]>> That's a projection. And I really just think that those people are uncomfortable, which is okay. I don't have this need to be accepted by people.

[00:14:34]I got over that. and we dictate what is on our algorithms. We can scroll away and hit that notinterested button. I want to be so clear that I'm not trying to convince anybody to become an adult creator. This is a huge life decision and not just some cute side quest. But I also think my point here is that not everybody needs to merge into one morally agreed upon blob group. I just think that people who participate in these activities, this job, which is as old as time itself, this is like the oldest career. Stop talking. My turn now. This is you. This is your box. Get inside the box. These are your four walls. You can express yourself as long as it's within the confines of these four walls. Just stay in here and everyone else will be comfortable.

[00:15:26]Things are starting to get very Barbie movie. Sexy but not too sexual.

[00:15:31]Confident, but don't be aware of your power. Public like this, this is fine, but don't normalize. You can't be normal. Sex sells, but don't sell it yourself. That's going to be a problem.

[00:15:43]Power scares people. And that's what I really think. I think that people are afraid. They've made all of these rules for themselves, and the community around them has made these rules and everybody's bound to it, and everyone's afraid to talk and have conversations and express themselves. They can't muscle the words through to have this conversation and actually lean into women in my industry with curiosity rather than judgment. Because if they accept you, it challenges the way that they live their lives. Why do we have to be a murgy blob? You know, we all live in the same capitalistic society.

[00:16:14]Everybody is trading something about themselves for money. I am doing something I love. People really do sell time, labor, energy, sanity, their youth. This isn't the only career where someone's body is being used to cash in.

[00:16:30]I'm talking intense labor. Did you like the ASMR? Was Should I? I probably get the most comments about being married and having an only fans. Somehow being a performer and being devoted to your partner cannot exist in the same person.

[00:16:46]The boundaries of a relationship are dictated by the two people in that relationship and not the rest of the public. Cheating is when you break the boundaries that you have agreed upon with your partner. And dating a baddy is going to take some strength. Whether her boobs are on the internet or not, people are going to want her either way.

[00:17:04]They're going to project all sorts of fantasies onto her. This is being a woman 101. And I'm not saying that that's okay. It's very violating. What I am saying is that some of us would like to have some agency, some choice in the matter. And I personally love to own that power. Hey, did you know that you can't turn a hoe into a housewife?

[00:17:27]That's such a ridiculous saying. Men want a woman that is sexually experienced and liberated and excited, but she's supposed to sort of be this virginal thing. Like, she's supposed to know what she's doing, but have never experienced anything. She should be sexy and fun, but totally untouched by life.

[00:17:47]like this should just be who she is. A woman shouldn't gain her personality traits through like experience. They don't want to emotionally come to terms with what experience means. But you and I, we don't have that problem.

[00:18:04]We get it. They want a Ferrari, but they're only ready for a scooter.

[00:18:11]It's my job to study men to find out what makes them really happy. I make the most bomb content that makes me feel so good about myself by the end of the day.

[00:18:24]And that's the confident wife my husband gets. Bothers people that I'm aware of what I'm doing, profiting from it, enjoying it, refusing shame. But I would argue that sex is a natural part of life. Desire is natural. Wanting attention, connection, to feel something is natural. And I don't think wanting to feel seen makes somebody narcissistic. I think pretending that you don't want these things is less honest. And our shame around it is kind of the reason why it sells so damn well. A woman can enjoy performance and still be sincere.

[00:18:59]I can monetize a fantasy and still have a real relationship outside of that. I can love being an adult creator and still be mentally healthy. Two things can be true. And after almost 15 years online, I'm sorry. I'm not broken. Sorry not sorry. I feel free. And it's not because strangers think I'm beautiful.

[00:19:18]It's not because I'm trying to fill some endless void, but because somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling like I needed permission to exist. And honestly, I think that might be the healthiest thing this entire career ever gave