How to Talk to a Dismissive Avoidant Without Pushing Them Away

[00:00:00]This manic Monday, we're going to discuss how to talk to a dismissive avoidant without pushing them away.

[00:00:06]Family, you know who it is and what time it is. I am Eleanor, your favorite dismissive avoidant, back with another triggering video. Like and subscribe for more dismissive avoidant POV content.

[00:00:16]Book your one-on-one at dismissibleme.com.

[00:00:19]All of my links are down below in the description box. Family, I'm going to apologize first for not being on camera this week. It's highly unlikely that I'm going to be on camera, but I will be dropping videos long form Monday, today, Wednesday, and Friday, and then shorts all week. So, getting into how to communicate with a dismissive avoidant.

[00:00:38]What I find is on a personal level is when you talk to me, it's not the communication that's the problem, it's the timing. And because I can be a little moody or I could be a little moody, um, asking me questions or wanting to communicate and talk about issues or problems when I just got home from work, when I am just leaving being with family, when I'm in a transition time and I'm not, you know, relaxed or when I'm not in a place where I can devote 100% of my attention to you, this is not a good time to shock because I'm already maxed out as far as energy. I'm working on fumes. So, it just seems like I'm really really irritated on your end and very short and huffy and don't want to speak. But on my end, it's like, damn, don't you know that I just got out of work? Don't you see that it's five or six o'clock? Don't you know that I just, you know, left my grandparents house or something like that? Now's not the time.

[00:01:41]Timing seems to be everything. being considerate of what I have going on or where I just did, where I just came from. The other thing with communication and not pushing me away is stop trying to make me feel how you feel.

[00:01:58]I'm not going to feel how you feel. You can tell me how you feel and you can let me know so that I am aware of how my behavior or what I said or what I'm doing is affecting you.

[00:02:11]But if you do things to try to prove a point or be passive aggressive or get me to feel the way that you feel, all it's going to do is make me not want to talk to you, not want to be around you, and really not want to hear you out, blow you off kind of thing.

[00:02:31]It would be best to replace any accusations or assumptions with actual observations. Don't tell me I feel like cuz your feelings aren't facts, but tell me about what I'm actually doing that's causing a problem and how that makes you feel. telling me how my behavior makes you feel is very different from saying I feel like this, but that's not really what my intention was. It's that's not what my behavior actually was. That's not what I actually said. I'm a very direct communicator.

[00:03:08]So, when I say something to you, I'm not saying something to you and it means something else. I'm telling you exactly how it I feel or what's going to happen next. So when you say something like, "Well, when you said this, I felt like you said I said what I said.

[00:03:25]I said what I said. I didn't say what you feel I said. I said what I said. And that can be very irritating because it's like it almost feels like on my end almost like you're lying on me. Like, how are you going to twist my words or make something up that we both know that I didn't say, but now you're going to bring it to me like that was exactly what I said and that was my intention when it's not. It just causes me again to want to shut down, dismiss the whole conversation, dismiss whatever your concerns are. I'm not even going to focus on the things that I did wrong because you because now you done twisted my words and I'm not feeling that. And because I'm an individual with a a very strong sense of justice, once I feel like you're lying on me, and this is how I've I've I've absolutely eliminated people from my life. Once I just once I know that you are a word twister, somebody who's not going to repeat what I said exactly the way I said, and cause problems for me, now I don't want to deal with you anymore at all. That that's terms for a breakup, a discard, a ghosting, a never see you again type of situation. That for me personally is very sensitive. Don't twist my words.

[00:04:43]You can absolutely bring to me exactly what I said, that's not a problem. But once you get to twisting my words, talking about your feelings and making it something that it's not, I start to think that you're untruthful and now you're a liability. you're high risk to be around because I can say one thing and then you're going to make it seem like I said something else.

[00:05:04]Psychotic. So, replace the accusations with actual observations so that we can continue the conversation and not get sidetracked by emotions. Um, ask for what you need directly. And I kind of touched on this with me being a direct communicator and I don't mean things that I don't say. Um, if you tell me exactly what it is that you want, exactly what it is that you need in a very direct way, now I fully understand.

[00:05:37]But if you're hinting, if you're beating around the bush, if you don't want to be direct because you don't want to rock the boat, then I don't understand what you're saying. I'm not going to assume for you. I'm not going to fill in the blanks for you. For me, if you don't if you if you don't ask, I just assume you don't want it.

[00:05:58]You know, I'm very much close mouths don't get fed over here because if I need something, I can guarantee you that you're going to know and I'm going to tell you and ask you in a very direct way. There's not going to be any room for confusion, miscommunication, misinterpretations.

[00:06:14]It's going to be very direct.

[00:06:17]So, if you speak to me directly, I'm going to get it. and I can choose to either understand what you're saying and and do what needs to be done, meet your needs, meet your wants, or I'm going to have to accept that that's what you need and what you want. And if it if I can't handle it, then I'm going to have to address that and maybe that's the end of the relationship. But if you're direct, I'm going to be direct with you also.

[00:06:41]It would hurt your feelings more if I'm indirect about it. my personal feelings.

[00:06:46]Communication only works if both of us are participating.

[00:06:52]So me, while yes, we're talking about how how to avoid me shutting down, I can shut down, but I'm a person who I will communicate all of my boundaries before a first date. You know exactly who you're going on a date with. It's not a question. I'm not I don't want to hug.

[00:07:09]I'm not going to kiss you. We're not going to hold hands like I'm very slow to hold somebody's hands. that's not really my thing. You're going to know all that. You're going to know that I'm not affectionate from day one. It does not deter people. I don't know. Maybe for women it's different. I don't date women. I date men. Men are not deterred by me saying that I'm unaffection. Very few. They think they can work around it.

[00:07:32]And you know, good luck to you.

[00:07:35]If you're not speaking to me in a direct way, if you're not saying everything that you feel, if you're not expressing your needs and you're again, hinting for me personally doesn't do anything because especially if you're hinting and it's a bad time, that dry begging is very annoying.

[00:07:57]If you're dry begging, I'm a dry giver.

[00:07:59]You know what I mean? I'm I'm not going to give you anything. I'm going to dance all around it just like you're dancing around it.

[00:08:06]So, if you're not participating, if you're not speaking as directly as I am, we're going to bump into issues because I I personally am not going to assume for you. So, to run it all back, how to communicate with the dismissive avoidant without totally running me away is communication isn't always the problem.

[00:08:27]Sometimes it's a timing issue.

[00:08:30]Stop trying to make me feel the way you feel, cuz I'm not going to feel the way that you feel. Replace accusations with observations. It's okay to be direct about what you've seen and what you've experienced, right, for me and how my behavior's affected you. But just don't accuse me of some cuz you feel a certain type of way. Um, ask for what you need directly. Say it exactly how it is. Don't beat around the bush. Okay?

[00:08:57]Communication only works if both people are participating. So that's all I have for you today. I will see you Wednesday and Friday and daily on the shorts.

[00:09:07]Like, share, and subscribe for more content. Be sure to check the playlist.

[00:09:10]Book your one-on-one with me and family.

[00:09:12]I am so thankful for every view and your time here. Keep it real.