How Phones are Affecting Teens’ Sleep | Dr. Becky and Dr. Sheryl

[00:00:00]You have a kid who looks irritable. You have a kid who looks like they're emotionally dysregulated. You have a kid who doesn't seem to be able to focus.

[00:00:07]And so, a parent is like, "Oh my gosh, my teen is like the worst. Oh my gosh, is it too late?"

[00:00:15]We have to get our kids phones and iPads out of the room at night. This isn't about being judgmental. It's not about you being a bad parent. Hello, you're watching this. Even if your kid sleeps with their phone in their room now, it's not too late to make a change. Here's what we're going to do today. First, I want to share with you the research I discovered that convinced me. Second, I want to bring in my colleague Dr. Cheryl Ziegler. She's the person I call for anything in the tween and teen world, and I want to get her POV. And then, after that, I'm going to give you the exact words you can use to say to your teenager about why they can no longer sleep with their phone in their room.

[00:00:52]And then, at the end, we're going to go over our common pushback. So, when they push back, you're going to think, "I was already ready for that." Let's talk about the research. There's a new study out of UCSF, and here's what they found.

[00:01:04]More than half of teenagers are on their phones between midnight and 4:00 a.m. on a school night. We're not talking about a little scrolling before bed. And they found that teens are on their phones for close to an hour overnight on average. I want to take a deeper look at how this can contribute to a lot of the issues you might be seeing during the day with your teen. When a question about teens comes up, the first person I reach out to is my colleague Dr. Cheryl Ziegler, who's the tween and teen expert at GoodInside. Let's give her a call.

[00:01:36]>> Oh, hey Becky.

[00:01:38]>> Hi. Need to talk to you. I know I was kind of shocked at how many teens are on their phone between midnight and Wanted to hear what you thought about that.

[00:01:46]>> Yeah, I'm all over this study because it's just yet again another piece of information that I think parents really need to know. Having a phone in your kids bedroom impacts their restorative sleep. When it's there, they're very likely to listen to the auditory sounds, right? Even the vibration. And then they've got the piece around just feeling a need to just check in one more time. Just one more video. And that really does add up. You have a kid who looks irritable. You have a kid who doesn't seem to be able to focus or pay attention in school or even actually retain and learn information. And so a parent is like, "Oh my gosh, my teen is like the worst." And they think that there's these other things going on, but what we're really realizing is that underneath that, we're looking at probably sleep deprivation. Honestly, one in three American adults are walking around considered sleep deprived. But I want parents to hear that there's a difference between adults functioning under, "Oh, I had a bad night's sleep."

[00:02:47]and the developing brain not only having sleep disturbance, but also usually what they're looking at and responding to is stressful.

[00:02:56]>> What is it about having the phone in the room that is so compelling that my kid might be more likely to wake up to check it just because it's in the room?

[00:03:05]>> This is a real thing and it's called anticipatory anxiety. When we have the mere presence of a phone and we see it, we are already anticipating, right? You might be I'm anticipating, "Oh my gosh, I think that group chat went out. I wonder if I'm in it." "Oh, I just found out we've got a quiz tomorrow. I didn't even study." What that does is it keeps their body in a state of anticipatory stress. Like, "I'm anticipating something stressful coming from that phone." which doesn't allow them to fully rest. It kind of keeps the stress going.

[00:03:39]>> I'm thinking about it this way. If phones are in the bedroom, teens are going to want to check their phone.

[00:03:45]That's not weakness and it's actually why I keep coming back to this rule. The phone does not sleep in the bedroom. And look, I know what you're probably thinking, I can't change it now. I don't want to go back on something I said was okay. Well, let me think about it this way. Picture being on a plane as a passenger and mid-flight the pilot gets new information. There's a storm or there's some warning light, whatever it is. I want you to think about a pilot who says, you know what though, I did promise my passengers that we would fly to LA. Can't really go back on my word.

[00:04:17]That's not how I want my pilot to think.

[00:04:19]My pilot's job isn't to always do as promised, it's actually to always keep me safe. You're the pilot of your family plane, which means when you get new information, of course you're allowed to change a decision you made. You made that decision based on the information you had. Now you're making a new decision based on new information.

[00:04:38]That's actually not being inconsistent at all. That's doing your job. I believe in your loving authority and I want you in this moment to give yourself permission to flex it. Okay, so how do you actually do that? Because the implementation is tricky, I get it.

[00:04:54]Sheryl and I also talked about how this usually plays out in real life.

[00:04:58]>> I think parents need to imagine, even if the phone, the tablet is in the room right now and you're like, oh my gosh, is it too late? I don't think it is. I think this comes from a place of love. I think parents can say to their kids, hey, you know, I've been noticing this for myself and I'm sure for you as well, when we have our phones in our room, we really we tend to go to sleep later, we tend to probably in the middle of the night if I wake up, I know that sometimes I'm looking at my phone and I don't think that's good for any of us.

[00:05:29]Sleep is so important. So here's the thing, we're going to start charging our phones and our tablets outside of the room. And you know what? Like we're all going to do it, including me. And I'm really doing this cuz I care about your health and my own and I I think this is what's best for us.

[00:05:46]>> I love the point you're making about we're going to do this as a family because I just feel like teens smell hypocrisy.

[00:05:53]Just joining in your kid, let's do this together. I might whine along the way.

[00:05:57]It's helpful. I don't really want to do this either. Now we're on the same team and I think your point of doing that together, I just want to highlight it because it's not a small point. It It makes it much more likely to happen.

[00:06:07]When I talk to parents, I think there's two things that come up. So I'm curious how you'd answer both objections to taking the phone out of the room.

[00:06:15]But the phone is my alarm clock.

[00:06:18]>> I hear this one all the time and there are actual alarm clocks that we can buy under $5, literally, and that's what we'll get. We'll We'll get it this week and we'll put it right there. No problem. Okay, what about this one?

[00:06:30]>> But I need to listen to the music on my phone to fall asleep. That's what helps me sleep at night.

[00:06:34]>> Guess what? We can just get a simple Bluetooth speaker. We'll put it in your room. We'll make sure it's connected.

[00:06:40]We're all set.

[00:06:41]>> Mm. Last one. All my friends have it.

[00:06:44]I'm going to be the only one without a phone.

[00:06:46]>> Yeah, this is where we can pull the old, you know what? Everyone gets to set the rules and the boundaries in their house their own way. So that might work for them in their house and this is what works for us in our house.

[00:06:59]>> Oh, okay. I'm inspired as I go home to my teen. Thank you, Sheryl.

[00:07:03]>> Anytime. Talk to you soon, Becky.

[00:07:04]>> Let's sit on that for a moment. Setting boundaries calmly for your kid is not going to cost you your relationship.

[00:07:11][music] Here's an example of what I'd say from the mindset of setting a boundary for them. I wanted to share something I've decided. First, you're not in trouble.

[00:07:20]You didn't do anything wrong and I'm on your team. We're changing the rule about where the phone is at night. Starting Sunday, phones charge in the kitchen overnight. All of us. Me, too. This isn't a punishment and it's not that I don't trust you. It's that my number one job is to keep you safe and protecting your sleep is a very important part of that. Now, of course, feel free to copy what works [music] or change what doesn't or pick the right place for the phones to charge. You know your family best. But the recap here is this is a boundary, not a punishment. You're on the same team. [music] Commit to doing it with them. Talk to your kid before there's a problem and definitely not in the moment you're frustrated. [music] And remember, you've got this. Parenting a teenager has never been easy. And so if you're feeling overwhelmed by the complexities of raising teens in today's world, that makes sense. And you can [music] subscribe to our channel here for more conversations that bring a little clarity and a little more confidence and possibility to the everyday moments that happen with your teens.