Australia just Keeps Adding DEADLY Animals…

追加: 2026-05-05

[00:00:00]Tiny bird killed A MAN.

[00:00:03]>> WHAT? WHAT?

[00:00:04]>> BUT HOW? WE SEE THIS is an Australian magp. And why? Yes, it is found in Australia. How could you?

[00:00:12]>> BUT UH DESPITE sharing a postcode with all the other Dark Souls enemies down here, they're actually pretty chill guys. No poison. They aren't hiding a mouthful of teeth. And considering they're the length of a ruler and weigh less than a kilo, they can't pick you up and fly off with you.

[00:00:30]How did they offer man?

[00:00:31]>> Oh, flew into his head while he was riding a bike. He flew off a bridge.

[00:00:34]>> Something like that. So, >> top of that, they're actually really intelligent and often will form bonds with people who feed them. Most of this, however, immediately gets thrown out the window during the magpies nesting season, or as it is better known down under, >> [ __ ] swooping season.

[00:00:52]>> It's it's it's always the baby. It's always the babies, bro. as always.

[00:00:59]>> See, because half of our wildlife would gladly turn magpies and their eggs into KFC.

[00:01:05]>> The second they build the nest, a switch blips in their brain, and every single fiber of their being is devoted to aggressively defending the nest like they're a unit in a power defense game.

[00:01:18]I respected >> cuz if you step within around 50 m of it, >> they will lock on to you and dive bomb you at Muck Five and try to peck your eyes out over and over and over again.

[00:01:34]This behavior is how in 2019 Magpies caught a [ __ ] manslaughter charge.

[00:01:41]>> Yeah. One day a 76 year old man was riding his bike through a park in Wllingong. a park that contained a magpie nest. The magpies took exception to this and started swooping him. And they swooped him so hard that he careened off course, crashed the bike, >> and [ __ ] died.

[00:02:02]>> I was right.

[00:02:03]>> I was right. I was right on the money.

[00:02:06]>> That's crazy.

[00:02:07]>> That's unfortunate. Got to wipe the birds out, bro.

[00:02:10]>> We got No, we don't. They was just being protective, man. And now now we got to PROTECT OUR ELDERLY. WHAT IT DO, BABY?

[00:02:17]WE BACK WITH MORE MORE pars and these animals especially in Australia. But first, the clip of the day is from Rios on Tik Tok. What I mean when I text >> Damn, I keep forgetting you was in the waiter shirt, >> bro. I a supposed to be delivering, huh?

[00:02:44]I ain't have a good laugh like that in forever. Bro, >> it's it's been a while, bro. It's been a while. Was there more to this?

[00:02:50]>> I even got to prison, y'all.

[00:02:55]>> Honestly, it's a compilation of >> That's how I know that.

[00:03:01]>> Hey, you know what? That one that one gets a a repost low key. If you want to be clip of the day, make sure you use # internet city on Tik Tok, Instagram, Twitter. On to the more. This is one of the oldest CREATURES ON THE PLANET.

[00:03:15]>> WHO'S THAT POKEMON?

[00:03:17]>> WE got a boomer.

[00:03:18]>> Introducing the horseshoe crab. Found under the sea in the Atlantic, Indian, and Pacific oceans. And when I said old, I didn't mean individually. These little guys disconnect from the server at around age 40. And as far as their actual lives go, they're kind of boring.

[00:03:34]They're bottom feeders with zero offensive capability. And the only reason they have a tail is that without it, they would die if you flipped them onto their backs.

[00:03:43]>> Oh, >> no. No. When I say old, I mean as a species. Because these things are walking fossils that have been running the exact same basic ass build, completely unchanged >> for millions of years.

[00:04:02]>> There's no need TO EVOLVE, TWIN. THEY GOT THIS. So that means they don't have any real natural pred predators >> low key >> and like there's no reason for them to evolve. They they might know something.

[00:04:14]You know what I'm saying? Just like Mikey Mikey knew something. That's why wrong with you.

[00:04:18]>> What he look >> I mean you haven't evolved. You've been the same. We going back to the but you've been you've been the same since time started.

[00:04:25]>> How many millions?

[00:04:27]>> Here's that this little >> It's still on me. You put it on you.

[00:04:31]>> They still looking at you. YOU PUT IT ON YOU.

[00:04:33]>> THEY STILL LOOKING AT ME. All right. You been around since before dawn, since before the sun was even dashiest. And you crashing out on us cuz we say you you know something, too.

[00:04:45]>> Hey, all votes in the comments to retire the uh oldest time joke, bro. It's over, bro. It's a wrap, BRO. WE RETIRED IT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. DAD WITH EVOLUTION.

[00:04:59]>> HEY, somebody please zoom in on his eyes.

[00:05:03]unchanged for millions of years. How many millions? Well, here is a list of events this little guy's family tree has lived through. The fall of Rome. The evolution of humankind.

[00:05:18]>> Go back. I WANT TO BE MONKEY.

[00:05:20]>> THE ICE AGE. GOD TOSSING A rock with the big ass lizards.

[00:05:25]>> Lizard. Lizard.

[00:05:26]>> Hell. This littleer WATCHED THE FIRST FISH crawl onto land and was UNDERWATER WHEN THE first tree spawned.

[00:05:36]>> Wo!

[00:05:38]>> I think the best way I can put this into perspective is that not unlike the way the earth orbits the sun, the sun orbits the milky way. Now, this process takes around 225 million years to complete.

[00:05:51]DAMN, >> THE HORSESHOE CRAB HAS DONE IT TWICE.

[00:05:57]JEEZ, it's been that long.

[00:05:59]>> Tati Vault, bro, they on to something, bro. We need to get their DLC, bro.

[00:06:04]>> Bro, what is this?

[00:06:04]>> THIS IS THE WORLD'S FASTEST CHICKEN.

[00:06:08]>> IS that wrong?

[00:06:09]>> This is the Tasmanian native hem.

[00:06:14]>> Except no one [ __ ] calls it that [ __ ] We call it the turboch.

[00:06:19]>> The turboch. That's a great name. [ __ ] it.

[00:06:22]>> This bad boy is from the land down under. More specifically, it's only found in my home state of Tasmania.

[00:06:29]>> And as you may have guessed by that nickname, >> oh, Australia. Now, that makes so much [ __ ] sense.

[00:06:35]>> Lightning Mc Chicken here is built for exactly one purpose.

[00:06:39]>> Speed.

[00:06:40]>> I am speed.

[00:06:43]>> But, uh, before I address it violating speed limit, I've got to address the fact that it's a [ __ ] fraud. See, despite that name, it is not remotely related to a chicken.

[00:06:55]It's actually from a family of water foul called rape. It's a real >> I told you, bro. I know my birds. I know my birds. I know. A real chicken eater.

[00:07:04]You feel me?

[00:07:04]>> No. I know. I Bro, you forget I'm a scientist. You forget. I did my How did you know it was a foul? No, you didn't.

[00:07:11]Shut up. God damn. See, this why this why I keep trying to Every time you go to sleep, I'll be extracting your DNA to figure out how you live so long.

[00:07:20]>> Around 50 cm long. tips the scales at a kilo and a half and importantly cannot fly for [ __ ] >> They got to run, bro.

[00:07:28]>> In fact, it is completely flightless and that is a little bit of an issue because this is Australia where at any given point this mobile KFC bucket is a rock throw from a [ __ ] snake.

[00:07:38]>> Probably got REFLEXES >> with a Sonic the >> boy. Even if that's my own snake.

[00:07:46]>> I don't know how she how she reacted.

[00:07:48]That ain't hers.

[00:07:49]>> I don't know. It see it got to be hers.

[00:07:52]How the [ __ ] that get it?

[00:07:54]>> No, cuz she tweaked.

[00:07:56]>> What?

[00:07:56]>> She tweaked >> IT IS A ROCK throw from a [ __ ] snake.

[00:08:02]>> Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

[00:08:05]>> However, Sonic the Henhog didn't trade that pilot license for nothing. See, they still have wings. They just don't use them to fly. They use them as a spoiler. Cuz when threatened, they don't [ __ ] off into the clouds. Now, Henraer here just drops gear into first, punches the throttle ANDING TEARS off at 52 km an hour.

[00:08:30]>> Drop a gear and disappear.

[00:08:32]>> Bro, something that little running 32 of them things is quite impressive. Drop a gear and disappear, bro.

[00:08:38]>> Think you understand how [ __ ] insane it is for something the size of a Chihuahua to break the speed limit in a school zone? So, let me make a comparison to Australia's other flightless bird, the one we lost a war to. Emus are 2 m tall, and when they run, they cover 3 m per step. That is a total of six whole native hens per single emu footstep. So, you would assume the emu gaps the [ __ ] hen, right?

[00:09:12]>> Wrong. Ken Vistappen and Gwart Turkey are the same speed.

[00:09:19]>> How the >> Yeah, that's fast.

[00:09:22]>> That's fast, bro. That's That's when you see like when you see Usain Bolt Run, you see the stride. When you see them shorter people, >> I ain't going to lie. See, bro, this brings This brings back the fact that Australia, y'all are nothing but losers.

[00:09:35]What? How y'all lose to them ugly ass birds, bro? Me and Mike, me and Mike, we'll wipe them whole [ __ ] out. Yes, we would, bro. Yes, we would, bro. Mike use his special ability chicken [ __ ] and IT'S OVER, MAN. WHAT?

[00:09:47]>> WHAT?

[00:09:52]>> What did your brain What do you mean >> just devolve into? Bro, what do I do?

[00:09:57]You did a lot. You did a lot, dude.

[00:09:59]>> What did I do? You did a lot.

[00:10:00]>> This isn't a snake. It's a bug.

[00:10:02]>> Oh, yeah. Yes, this is the very creatively named snake headed caterpillar found wriggling around in South America. And the reason they're dressed up like the average Australian resident is to scare people.

[00:10:18]>> See, caterpillars exist for exactly one reason. To spin up a cocoon and Pokémon evolve into a moth or butterfly.

[00:10:29]Now, in order to achieve this, they need to be noting dead, which is a little difficult when everything under the sun is trying to eat them.

[00:10:39]>> Yeah.

[00:10:40]>> Mission failed.

[00:10:41]>> Birds, wasps, spiders, frogs, >> you name it. They >> not going to lie, for they predators.

[00:10:46]That's easy meal, twin. That's That's easy pick. Oh, THEY IN A COCOON.

[00:10:52]>> I DON'T THINK I don't think the cocoon's edible.

[00:10:55]I would then why else would they need to do it while they conco?

[00:10:58]>> I thought he was saying before they conco.

[00:11:02]But it seemed like they was doing it in that process to protect it when they defenseless. Can't move.

[00:11:09]You see it? We got new merch. Artism Worldwide rated R for autism. We got the blanket. We even got stickers, man. If you go to internetcity.store, you can cop all of that. Join the cult. Join the crew. Get you one of these to watch the spooky videos with us on internet city is haunted if you ain't know. But regardless, HIT THE STORE. internet city.store. Hey, hey, internet.

[00:11:34]Hey, hey, hey. You know, >> they all look at a caterpillar as the world's freest meal.

[00:11:41]>> I mean, it's basically a sentient, slowm moving hot dog with zero escape strategy. So, how does the very hungry caterpillar avoid the very hungry everything else?

[00:11:54]>> Hello.

[00:11:54]>> Well, some choose camouflage, others become more toxic than a league lobby.

[00:12:00]>> But the snake head chose cosplay. Well, if you want to get technical, the scientific term is mimic. As we've established, caterpillars are weak.

[00:12:11]Light work for their predators. You know what is >> [ __ ] is he doing? I'm just saying how you are. But I know you got predators out there.

[00:12:20]>> I I you know, Isn't Isn't there other like space entities trying to >> get rid of my foes?

[00:12:26]>> Tight [ __ ] >> You just did that. King Kong.

[00:12:30]>> I shouldn't got nothing on me, [ __ ] >> Light work. A [ __ ] snake.

[00:12:38]Which is why when threatened, these little guys will force air and blood into their head, causing it to inflate.

[00:12:46]>> Oh.

[00:12:47]>> They then shake that [ __ ] in the air, perfectly mimicking a venomous snake.

[00:12:53]Whatever was about to eat them sees their free meal turn into rattlesnake.

[00:12:58]Jake becomes scared and runs the [ __ ] away.

[00:13:02]>> Does it work?

[00:13:04]>> It's got to work a lot of the time.

[00:13:06]>> Why are you running? You know, now that I'm thinking about it, its entire defense is just becoming a scary wacky waving tube. Man, >> if it works, >> you don't want to bite this. You don't want none of this. This is [ __ ] right here. T >> Australia doesn't have the bunny.

[00:13:24]>> We have this thing.

[00:13:26]>> WHO IS THAT POKéMON?

[00:13:27]>> YOU SEE, AFTER THE first Easter bunny was clapped by a snake 5 minutes into his down under egg run, that's the cutesting thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

[00:13:37]Boom.

[00:13:38]>> His replacement to One Walk in Australia said, and I quote, "Fuck that." Which is why we have the Easter BB.

[00:13:50]>> Yes, this cute little kangaroo rat is a real animal, and he is way better suited to the job than that ass rabbit. Not going to lie, I seen a rabbit video early on chills little uh IG, bro. gone.

[00:14:06]Take ran from uh two dogs for like [ __ ] 5 minutes straight. How they catch up juke? How they catch up? Juke five, boy. I want TO LIVE.

[00:14:19]>> COME ON, MAN. That [ __ ] was out of there. He he bilies are massupials, which means they've got a pouch for carrying around their kids like a kangaroo.

[00:14:29]But the mobile daycare also gives them extra inventory slots for Easter eggs.

[00:14:34]Compared to the rabbit, who I can only assume is hiding the eggs up his [ __ ] ass.

[00:14:39]>> Yeah, type [ __ ] >> They can also deliver a chocolate across the Australian desert without dying in the heat >> because those big ass Dumbo ears basically work as a car radiator, dissipating their body heat in order to cool them off in God's air fryer.

[00:14:59]I'm bored.

[00:15:00]>> But most importantly, the Easter Bilby is doing his part to save his species.

[00:15:07]Here's a fun fact for you. In Australia, rabbits are [ __ ] >> You can't just jump out here.

[00:15:15]>> They are an invasive species and they >> rabbits be rabbits be getting busy.

[00:15:21]Rabbits be going crazy. Hey, it's the reason there's a lot of rabbits. Maybe where you live, they they getting busy getting down >> by mowing down all the food meant for native animals. On top of this, they break into Bby burrows and steal them.

[00:15:39]>> That coupled with being hunted by invasive foxes and feral cats mean the greater Bilby is critically endangered.

[00:15:48]The real reason the Easter Bby exists is to raise awareness for this. with a chunk of the cash made from selling Billby chocolates being donated to save the species. Unlike that bunny who charges me $15 [ __ ] dollars for a >> Yeah, I'm never going there. Y'all pay $15 for a >> for a little chocolate. Get the hell >> rabbit and tells me to myself.

[00:16:19]>> Oh my god. I am never going to financially >> recover from this. That's >> so in conclusion, >> that greedy colonizing rabbit. The billby be clears.

[00:16:30]>> Hey, I like that Billby, bro. Yell.

[00:16:37]>> This is not a video of hell. THIS IS COMPLETELY UNEDITED.

[00:16:42]>> WHAT?

[00:16:43]>> This real unedited.

[00:16:46]>> It's real. This is real air. You're never going. That's the gate to hell.

[00:16:51]>> Boy, what the we looking at.

[00:16:55]>> No filters footage from Western Australia.

[00:16:59]>> See? See? I already knew. I didn't plan on going over here anyway.

[00:17:02]>> I was planning I'm not going I'm not going to Austral No, I'm not. I'm not.

[00:17:06]>> We going, bro.

[00:17:06]>> You go by yourself.

[00:17:08]>> We got people to visit. Shout out to them boys.

[00:17:10]>> Got people to visit.

[00:17:10]>> Matter of fact, they here now. I'm going to go see what's up. And you may be wondering, HOW THE [ __ ] does it look like a Terraria blood moon? Well, the answer to that question is sand.

[00:17:22]>> I don't like sand.

[00:17:24]>> Here's a fun fact for you. Australia is the world's largest exporter of iron ore. And 96% of that is pulled out of the ground in Western Australia. And the reason we excavate whole chunks there is because the place is sitting on 55 billion with a B tons of ore. The whole [ __ ] state is basically just a desert biome covered in iron farms.

[00:17:52]>> Damn.

[00:17:53]>> And that iron isn't just found at Y 11.

[00:17:57]No, there is actual [ __ ] rust in the dirt and sand which tints the whole desert red.

[00:18:06]>> Oh, that's [ __ ] cool.

[00:18:11]I I would have never thought that's a boy, >> bro. I'm never going.

[00:18:16]>> That's [ __ ] That's >> I keep I keep getting more and more reasons not to go to this place.

[00:18:22]>> That I mean I That is cool though.

[00:18:24]>> That's cool as hell. That red sand is why WA looks like Calid.

[00:18:30]>> See, as if the animals try and kill us wasn't enough.

[00:18:34]>> God has done a little trolling and spawned a tropical cyclone on WA's coastline.

[00:18:42]>> And win from that, >> she's okay, too.

[00:18:45]>> That's an edit.

[00:18:46]>> Jesus, that's an edit. Yeah. Yeah. Bad boy kicks all that red sand into the air, blocks out the sun, and turns whatever light creeps through blooding red.

[00:18:59]>> Bro, genuinely thought this was Armageddon, but it is just sand sending us to the tomato dimension.

[00:19:06]>> Bro, these these these mythological biomes can be real, >> bro.

[00:19:11]>> I mean, we know you're not living there.

[00:19:13]>> I'm not going there.

[00:19:15]And now when we find ourselves in Australia, bro, just know if I end up in Australia, it was against my will or I got some these goals. Like you got >> You don't want to feel nothing Australia.

[00:19:27]>> No, bro. Come on, man.

[00:19:29]>> Wild sharks are taking drugs.

[00:19:32]>> What?

[00:19:34]>> Recently, scientists in the Caribbean made quite possibly the most terrifying discovery since the advent of the job application. You see, they were conducting a study on ocean pollution.

[00:19:46]And part of THAT STUDY INVOLVED BLOOD TESTING 28 sharks in the region. And when Shark RBT pulled two of Jaws's cousins over for a random test, they tested positive >> for what?

[00:19:59]>> For cocaine.

[00:20:02]>> Oh, they do be dropping cocaine in the teeth for real.

[00:20:05]>> Oh, I mean that could be that could be the reality.

[00:20:08]They also tested positive for caffeine and painkillers, which begs THE QUESTION, HOW THE [ __ ] did a great white shark get great white blow?

[00:20:20]>> Well, they just chomp chomping people, bro. They just healing people. Just taking whatever the person got in their bloodream, bro. Low key.

[00:20:29]>> They more like this.

[00:20:31]>> That's ecstasy, fool.

[00:20:33]that is what I'm saying.

[00:20:36]>> Well, no, they aren't doing a narco season in Bikini Bottom. No, sharks having the bloodstream of an essay in a nightclub is our fault.

[00:20:47]>> You see, tourists and rich cats absolutely love to swing their yachts into the Caribbean, throw parties, get shitfaced, and presumably fall into the water. And I don't know if you know this, but rich people do illegal [ __ ] Which is how some Wall Street banker decides he wants to partake in some nose beers, and in his excitement, >> knocks the rest of the devil's dandruff into the ocean. Jaws swims along, thinks it's food, and takes a bite.

[00:21:20]>> Oh my god. Sorry. THEY DO ME DOWN and do it again.

[00:21:25]Ah, I say, "Oh, I like the way your fin looking."

[00:21:35]>> And thus, hey, presto, Coke Sharks.

[00:21:40]>> First time trying a cigarette. Let's chase the buzz.

[00:21:44]>> I'M [ __ ] TWINKING.

[00:21:46]>> WILD SHARKS.

[00:21:47]>> [ __ ] [ __ ] cocaine bear and shark IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE, BRO.

[00:21:51]>> I AIN'T going to lie.

[00:21:52]>> It's happening. Yeah, >> Cocaine Bear was [ __ ] hilarious.

[00:21:55]>> Mhm.

[00:21:56]>> That movie, man.

[00:21:59]>> It's a It's a very bad like poorly executed movie, >> right? Poor movie. Hilarious.

[00:22:04]>> That shit's so funny.

[00:22:05]>> You need to watch Bad Trip.

[00:22:07]>> Bad Trip.

[00:22:08]>> Bad Trip. I think it's on Netflix. It's um the dude that uh the dude that was screaming uh the bright skin dude. He was screaming on his talk show. What was he was screaming at? I think he was screaming at a down syndrome person or some something like that.

[00:22:20]>> Eric Andre.

[00:22:21]>> Eric Andre. Okay. Him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:22:23]It's him.

[00:22:25]>> There's a clip I think we've seen in a in a meme that's in that movie. Yeah.

[00:22:30]You should you should check that one out though.

[00:22:33]>> This spider throws its webs.

[00:22:38]>> Yeah, that creepy thing is an ogrefaced spider. And as with most affronts to God, yes, you can find them >> in Australia.

[00:22:50]>> We already know. And the reason it's got web slingers is its unique method of hunting. You see, most web spinning spiders use those webs to [ __ ] camp.

[00:23:00]Spinning it between a few branches and then falling asleep waiting for a fly to clothesline itself before casually wandering over to suck its guts out like a smoothie.

[00:23:10]By contrast, ogre faces basically pulling TRICK SHOTS BECAUSE INSTEAD OF SHOOTING THAT sticky face >> ogre ogre face >> stuff all over the walls, they shoot it on their hands.

[00:23:26]>> See, you may have noticed that this thing is built like an eight-legged Slenderman man. And that is by design because they start a hunt by spitting a web between their foreheads. Then they will lower themselves from a nearby branch and just kind of hang upside down in the air doing their best stick cosplay. Then when something makes the unfortunate mistake of getting too close, it will lunge downwards, spread its legs, RACK THE BUG UP IN A NET, and then [ __ ] yank it away into the air like it's hitting [ __ ] Spider-Man pull-offs in Rival.

[00:24:05]>> Hey man, I'm not going to wait. I'mma do it myself, bro. Come, come here, girl.

[00:24:11]I'm about to eat you. You delicious.

[00:24:12]>> Crack the whip.

[00:24:13]>> Yeah.

[00:24:15]>> What?

[00:24:15]>> You okay?

[00:24:17]>> No.

[00:24:18]>> Yeah, we we've known for a while. Like we keep we keep trying to get you help.

[00:24:22]>> I think I think it's cuz you've been around so long. You're starting to deteriorate >> once again.

[00:24:28]>> See, look.

[00:24:29]>> Campaign in the cup. [ __ ] >> You can't You can't even stop the You can't even stop it, can you? [ __ ] >> Can't even stop not looking up. No, >> that demon though. And because this is an Australian animal >> because look when you think about it I look up cuz when you stroke it and you goon it right you got to look up to avoid getting you know what I'm saying right here in the you got to look got to look up so hey [ __ ] if you a powerful comer what you got to do twin don't look at me don't look at them like that insect burrito would not be complete without a healthy injection of venom and then They [ __ ] ate it.

[00:25:07]>> Think about how [ __ ] scary that is from a human perspective. Walking down the street at night and some hits you with a rope and you're just [ __ ] gone.

[00:25:19]>> This bird is attempting to REPRODUCE WITH THAT.

[00:25:23]>> THAT'S A OH.

[00:25:26]>> OH, >> BRO. You just letting that bird [ __ ] on you.

[00:25:30]>> OH MY GOD.

[00:25:34]YOU LET THAT BURN ME.

[00:25:37]>> But why? Well, this adorable little guy is Kakao. And the answer to the question basically boils down to the fact iting sucks at being a bird.

[00:25:49]>> Let me guess. Can't fly.

[00:25:51]>> It got to fly in a tree.

[00:25:52]>> It is in a tree.

[00:25:53]>> That's a chubby bird.

[00:25:54]>> That [ __ ] >> What you say mean for? To begin with, its wings areing useless. The carapo is huge, weighing in at 4 kilos, which is 2 1/2 kilos heavier than any other bird in the parrot family, which is probably why the cockapo is literally the only parrot species on the planet >> that can't fly.

[00:26:22]>> [ __ ] He is so rotunded that he just hops along the ground.

[00:26:27]>> The queso of parrots, bro.

[00:26:29]>> God damn.

[00:26:30]>> All right, Queso. If you want to put your hands on Mikey, feel free, bro.

[00:26:32]Just let me ride your Sprinter van.

[00:26:34]>> M I see what you did there. I see what you did there.

[00:26:37]>> You going to be gone. I'm going be successful.

[00:26:39]>> It's going It's going to be queso and cheese. I'm going change my name to cheese.

[00:26:43]>> Tuck and queso >> reproducing.

[00:26:49]See, in order to attract a mate, male car fly, he is so rotunded that he just hops along the ground. They also suck at reproducing.

[00:27:02]>> See, in order to attract a mate, male cockapo will dig a hole, plant themselves firmly in it, okay? and then start spamming vine booms at the top of their lungs 8 hours a day for 3 months at a time.

[00:27:20]>> The problem is their call is very low pitched, which means that while females can feel it from miles off, they can't pinpoint where it's coming from.

[00:27:31]>> What the is the point of how this bird has come to be?

[00:27:36]>> Well, I think we got to learn. Like what? What is >> I think I think you [ __ ] up our genetic code of a lot of these animals cuz you just was having fun.

[00:27:43]>> So they end up alone. When this happens, the defeated male off and attempts to mate with a rock or as you saw at the beginning, a journalist's head.

[00:27:53]>> You're being shagged by a rare parrot.

[00:27:56]>> Now, by this point, you are probably asking yourself, >> how the [ __ ] has it survived this long?

[00:28:04]>> That's a great question. And the unfortunate answer is that it really [ __ ] hasn't.

[00:28:10]>> See, the reason this feathered squeaky toy has evolved the survival instincts >> see there is no answer except for us >> of a crusty sock is because it is only found in New Zealand, a place that naturally has no predators. None of what I just said is a problem when you're basically playing on peaceful.

[00:28:34]Tragically, that little Union Jack in the corner of the New Zealand flag means it was colonized by the [ __ ] British.

[00:28:43]God damn it.

[00:28:43]>> So, suddenly there are cats, dogs, and early on people trying to turn the poor thing into a KFC bucket and its only defensive mechanism is standing still.

[00:29:00]Their population dropped as low as 49.

[00:29:05]>> Oh my god. It makes sense.

[00:29:07]>> It may just >> Yeah, they they des they kind of deserve to go.

[00:29:14]>> They don't des well you get what I'm saying. When they say that about you, it'll be a >> it's like I mean somebody didn't step in then they would just you know what I'm saying? You survived everything. co you are still critically endangered to this day.

[00:29:30]>> Like let's talk about >> certified British Empire moment.

[00:29:35]>> Let's talk about like you >> you survived you survived co >> you survived the bird flu >> is the world's most use >> from useless bird to useless fish.

[00:29:46]>> Useless fish stupid.

[00:29:48]>> They're not.

[00:29:49]>> Yeah, mate. That aquatic pancake is a moler. Mhler found wasting its life in oceans around the world and a contender for the most dog [ __ ] fish build in the seven seas.

[00:30:03]>> So what would be the most dog [ __ ] animal in general? Will it be one of the birds? Would it be one of the fish?

[00:30:09]>> Probably would be that bird.

[00:30:11]>> Would it be?

[00:30:11]>> Well, we about to find out with this joint cuz this joint might be he might be slow. He may be.

[00:30:16]>> You see, these things are huge.

[00:30:19]Measuring at 4 m from fin to fin and absolutely atomizing the scales at 2300 kilos.

[00:30:31]>> Putting it >> Well, it's got to be the bird cuz that thing e while it may be useless, it's still [ __ ] huge. So, it it's got to be >> Well, we about to find out. firmly in the same weight class as a [ __ ] F-150.

[00:30:47]There is however a problem with that size. That is all it's good at. It spent every available stat point on being a giant floating satellite dish at the cost of spending its life as a uselessing punching bag.

[00:31:06]>> We didn't we didn't need the face.

[00:31:08]>> You're 30, bro. Stop lying to these people, bro.

[00:31:13]>> STOP LYING TO THESE PEOPLE, BRO.

[00:31:15]>> 33.

[00:31:17]>> To start with, the thing CAN'T EVEN SWIM PROPERLY. Their fins, specifically their tail, is tiny compared to the rest of their body, which makes them so at maneuvering, the only thing they can eat is jellyfish and plankton because those don't dodge. Speaking of food, you may have noticed that in all of these photos, its mouth is open.

[00:31:41]>> That's cuz it doesn't close. GOD HAS CURSED THE thing to permanently pog. Oh, but evolution is not doneing the sunfish yet. Because funnily enough, being the size of the average American meal while having the defensive capabilities of a tickle me Elmo makes these things perfect targets for predators. Most of the time, animals just take bites out of them, realize they taste like, and then swim off, leaving a hole in their head, which somehow doesn't kill them.

[00:32:16]>> Do you have any ibuprofen? I >> So they It's got to be the bird that's more use that's worse.

[00:32:22]>> Nah, bro. Cuz >> cuz they they bite it and real. Oh, this is nasty. So they don't even like go after it as a consistent food source.

[00:32:30]>> Nah, this makes it worse cuz the the the bird is at least useless for food. This [ __ ] ain't useless for [ __ ] >> [ __ ] you ain't even substance.

[00:32:41]Get your ass [ __ ] SUCK. GET YOUR BIG ASS ass away from me. You [ __ ] trash.

[00:32:47]>> A headache. That disgusting flavor is probably due to the 50ing parasite species living ON ITS BODY. THE FLAVOR doesn't matter to sea lions who will rip theiring fins off and play frisbee with them.

[00:33:04]>> And if you thought it couldn't get any worse, they will often swim to the surface to warm themselves up and let birds eat the parasites off of them.

[00:33:12]>> Okay, >> where they are promptly HIT BY A BOAT.

[00:33:15]THEIR only saving grace is that they don't process pain because their brain IS THE SIZE OF A TESTICLE.

[00:33:25]>> BAD. SEE, >> SEE, they trash.

[00:33:28]>> Trash. So, okay, >> let's use the word trash. Who's more trash? Them or the bird?

[00:33:36]>> I I want to say them, >> but they they also go to the top and bird. Yeah, they so stupid that they don't feel the pain.

[00:33:46]>> They so stupid THEY DON'T FEEL THE PAIN.

[00:33:48]>> 100% DO.

[00:33:51]>> They are BLISSFULLY UNAWARE THAT THEY SPEND THEIR ENTIRE [ __ ] life getting jumped back.

[00:34:00]>> SO THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

[00:34:01]>> THAT AIN'T the worst. They don't wor.

[00:34:03]>> Damn.

[00:34:04]>> They are garbage. So you're saying that getting chomped on for your whole life and never feeling it or never being aware >> cuz at least that that other bird at least got goals and ambitions. I WANT A NUT. I WANT A NUT.

[00:34:19]>> I CAN'T DO I CAN'T NUT BUT I WANT I want reporter. Let me use your head.

[00:34:25]>> BMW. YEAH. THE CAR COMPANY HAS AN EMU FARM.

[00:34:30]>> WHAT?

[00:34:30]>> BUT WHAT THE do the Germans want with our steroid chickens? Well, you see a lot of complex parts have to come together to build a car. I mean, your transmission, your engine, I would say indicators, but we are talking about BMW here. However, the first thing you'll notice about a car is usually the simplest. The paint. Yeah, it doesn't really matter how nice your car is. If the paint's peeling off like a banana, people are going to assume it's a box.

[00:34:59]And that's why car companies put a lot of time and research into making sure the paint stays on your car while you slide it sideways into a tree.

[00:35:11]>> One of the best ways to do that ising clean it. See, anything that isn't wiped off the car gets stuck under the paint when it's applied, which [ __ ] up adhesion by moving around.

[00:35:24]And even the tiniest particles of dust can [ __ ] it all up. So the Germans pondered, what is the best way to make sure every panel is spotless?

[00:35:35]>> Ain't no way the emo Ain't no emo P.

[00:35:39]>> That's what I'm guessing.

[00:35:40]>> Okay. Ain't no way them emus is cleaning the call of the tongue.

[00:35:44]>> And the answer they landed on is a giant [ __ ] OFF DUSTER, MATE.

[00:35:50]>> OH, that's even worse. Oh.

[00:35:54]>> Oh, THAT'S >> OF AUSTRALIA'S FAVORITE feathered war criminals.

[00:36:02]>> I would have never just BMW.

[00:36:05]>> I would have ne and I I would have never expect like that was nowhere. I was like, "Oh, they they using emo as a primer or some shit."

[00:36:14]>> I was goingofy. I was like, "They got the evils LICKING LICKING THE BUTT. THEY JUST KILLING THEM. THEY LAUGH. THEY FREE >> found this out. But Audi as well. Now Audi gets their dino turkey feathers from the source shipping directly from the land down under. They they used to.

[00:36:35]>> Now BMW used to do the same thing till someone at head office had a thought.

[00:36:41]Hang on. [ __ ] the feathers. if we ship over four emus and place them in a grid.

[00:36:49]Infinite feather source.

[00:36:53]And so they air dropped Australia's big birds onto a farm in Bavaria where a small sleeper cell of Australia's most wanted resides to this day.

[00:37:04]>> The funny part of this to me is that BMW went so far as shipping kaiju turkeys to make the paint on their cars look good.

[00:37:14]just for some tick tocker to buy it for clout, wrap it bright purple and then crash it into a [ __ ] wall.

[00:37:21]>> But like, okay, so the nothing comes off the feathers. I guess not. They got to they got to get >> Bro, them birds is getting slaughtered, >> bro. They some bro that got to be getting some sort of convention, bro.

[00:37:36]They in Germany, bro. Hey, >> this monkey is getting bullied.

[00:37:42]Why you bully me?

[00:37:43]>> Well, you see this is Punch, a Japanese Macak whose mother immediately after giving birth to him >> went out for milk and cigarettes.

[00:37:51]>> Yes.

[00:37:52]>> Oh, is this the one that went viral?

[00:37:54]Yeah, >> the monkey that went viral. Okay, >> so already not off to a great start in life. And things would not be getting easier for Punch. You see, he was born in captivity at Japan's Ichawa Zoo, which meant that he was then introduced to the rest of the Macak population alone.

[00:38:15]No parents, no friends, nothing. But surely it's all up from here.

[00:38:23]>> He might be alone now, but at least he can start making friends with his fellow primates, right?

[00:38:30]>> Yeah. Unfortunately, Macaks treat the new kid in school about as well as Family Guy treats Meg.

[00:38:37]These guys have a very complex social hierarchy. And not unlike high school, it is enforced with bullying. So far, Punch has been smacked, dragged, and bitten basically to tell him that he can't sit with them at their lunch table. And the bullying he cops is made worse by the fact there's no one to protect him cuz his mom, you know, his mom gone.

[00:39:00]>> And then after jumping him, they won't even let him get aing hug.

[00:39:06]>> Now, he's just so li >> Bro, they they treat my dog terrible, bro. They treat First of all, I ain't going to lie, I ain't really [ __ ] with this zoo cuz they knew they was going to do my [ __ ] this bad. THEY THEY KNEW. THEY KNEW. And then like, bro, he he eating it so bad. They That's crazy.

[00:39:22]>> Hey, bro.

[00:39:23]>> Oh, he's just so He's so tiny. Oh, he just >> Bro, they doing Bro, there's a clip.

[00:39:29]They drugged that [ __ ] from one end to the other.

[00:39:31]>> I say, "Bro, y'all got to get that. GET HIM OUT OF THERE. SAVE."

[00:39:36]>> WITH such adversity, a lesser monkey would crumble and try to leave. But, uh, making the story infinitely sadder, Punch runs off to the closest thing to family. He has a plush orangutan gifted to him by the zookeepers to try and replace his mom. When stressed, he hugs it and tries to get it to hug him back. No, I'm I'm not [ __ ] crying, >> bro. It's so bad, bro. It's it's it got to Bro, bro, they they are putting this little [ __ ] in this [ __ ] with these demons with these these >> and bro they it's like it's like like take like I understand this there's rules to the jungle. Take that [ __ ] OUT, >> BRO. I DON'T even like like like I don't watch no sad stuff, no emotions, BUT THIS IS SAD, BRO. BOY, THIS [ __ ] >> BRO. It's so bad. There's a clip. You have to see the clip, right? They take his They take his They take HIS THEY TOOK HIS MONKEY. They bro.

[00:40:45]They take that [ __ ] monkey, right? When they take his monkey, he go to get his monkey back. They grab that [ __ ] and just drag him across. I like that. I SAID, "Y'ALL [ __ ] EVIL." And now now the zoo's selling the plushy, bro.

[00:41:00]>> Oh, come on.

[00:41:01]>> All right. Someone's cutting onions in here.

[00:41:02]>> She's actually pretty good, though.

[00:41:03]However, despite the absolutely horrendous character development he's gone through, Punch has finally managed to START MAKING SOME FRIENDS.

[00:41:15]>> WHICH IS good because for a monkey, he got off like had he been born a chimp when they don't like one another, they rip each other's TESTICLES OFF WITH THEIR TEETH.

[00:41:31]>> I thought they was going to say scared.

[00:41:32]And I thought he was going to say skin.

[00:41:34]That [ __ ] said >> Yeah. Yeah. Shout out my [ __ ] A >> See, that's why I would never Hey, if you own a pet chip, I will never be at your house. I won't. We not even going to be friends. YOU'RE BOY. WHAT?

[00:41:50]>> This my dog, bro. Got a friend now, though.

[00:41:54]>> Yeah, at least he making friends, dude.

[00:41:55]>> This pig went on an alcoholic rampage.

[00:42:00]>> Whatever do you mean? No, that's not clickbait. This really happened. And as with all good drunken rampages, our story takes place in [ __ ] Australia.

[00:42:09]More specifically, it starts in the middle of [ __ ] nowhere. WA >> where a couple bloss were out camping.

[00:42:16]And as any good Australian would, these lads brought with them the camping essentials. Let's see here. We've got uh swags, >> box of snags from Woollies, and most important of all, >> what they call they call them snag >> snags. But wait, >> lads brought with them the camping essentials. Let's see here. We've got uh swags. Box of snags from >> they call it a snag.

[00:42:41]>> A box of snags.

[00:42:42]>> Hey. Hey. What do more bars if you see this? What do you say when you guys are trying not to waste time?

[00:42:52]When you guys are is I need to know if this is a real thing. I need to know this is a real thing.

[00:42:57]>> I don't even know what you trying to say. What do the Aussies say on egregious?

[00:43:01]>> What do the Aussies say when they try not to waste time?

[00:43:04]>> Okay.

[00:43:04]>> Woolly's >> most important of all, >> the beard.

[00:43:08]>> Be.

[00:43:08]>> Yeah, the beard.

[00:43:10]>> Victoria.

[00:43:11]>> And those beers are why at 4 in the morning, these lads were suddenly ripped from sleep by a really weird sound. A low snuffling and grunting noise followed by the sound of bending aluminum. So to ensure they weren't being attacked by >> pick a native Australian animal, >> they got out of their tents, turned on a torch, and shined a light at it. And what they found was a wild pig shotgunning all of their piss.

[00:43:44]And I don't mean >> piss is exactly what that [ __ ] tastes like.

[00:43:48]>> Y'all tripping for drink, boy.

[00:43:50]>> One or two beers. No, no, no. Daddy Pig was on a serious bender. Oh, he was going crazy >> because he managed to down >> going crazy >> 18 cans.

[00:44:01]>> NOW, fun fact about beers. Once you hit the 18 mark, all of your stats are redistributed into strength and you gain the frenzy debuff.

[00:44:13]This is why after being spotted by the torch, the pig >> shiting sonicked away from the now empty six-packs, >> knocked over the garbage cans, paused, turned around and ate the garbage, then continued sprinting to a nearby paddic where it started headbutting a [ __ ] cow.

[00:44:34]This really pissed off the cow who turned around to face the pig. And it was at this point, looking up at the very pissed off Big Mac, the pig realized he genuinely wasn't built for this [ __ ] >> Boy, Jake, why why you took that? Jake, why the [ __ ] would you?

[00:44:54]He really thought he stood a chance, bro. Why the [ __ ] did you think that was a man?

[00:45:00]>> Knock that [ __ ] down. Look, boy. I hope if we ever get any amount of financial income like them that we don't get that delusional >> cuz Jesus Christ.

[00:45:11]>> Nah, cuz like I just want to make movies.

[00:45:14]>> This little piggy turned around and [ __ ] booked it out of the paddic BEING CLOSELY PURSUED BY THE GHOST of Burger's past.

[00:45:23]CAL CHASED HIM around a car for 10 minutes before giving up, LEAVING THE STILL DRUNK PIG to stumble away and pass out in a bush.

[00:45:37]>> Hey, he said he probably went back looking for more.

[00:45:40]>> I don't want that. I need to fill that again.

[00:45:43]>> I need this, bro.

[00:45:44]>> I need this. That was a great time.

[00:45:46]>> Crap.

[00:45:48]>> Octopuses bleed blue. But why? Why are you blue?

[00:45:53]>> Well, actually, it's not just octopuses.

[00:45:55]If you lined up Gary, Larry the Lobster, and Mr. Krabs, you will find that all of them bleed Gatorade.

[00:46:03]>> Now, this isn't just for aesthetic purposes. Running what appears to be blended up smurf through their veins actually serves an important purpose.

[00:46:12]>> And to learn what that is, we got to talk about your blood.

[00:46:16]>> You see, your circulatory system is based on iron. Iron is used to produce hemoglobin which in turn carry oxygen around the body allowing for you to you know exist >> and when iron is exposed to oxygen it oxidizes and goes red which is why when you get janked sprays out tomato sauce.

[00:46:37]>> Now here is the fun part. The caster Spongebob don't run on iron. Their circulatory system is based on copper.

[00:46:47]So rather than hemoglobin, the copper creates hemomyosin to cart the oxygen around. And as anyone who's ever seen the Statue of Liberty can attest, when copper oxidizes, it turns blue.

[00:47:01]>> Makes sense.

[00:47:01]>> Now, the reason for them evolving copper is pretty simple. Our blood [ __ ] sucks. See, the inferior hemoglobin is far less efficient at binding oxygen than THE CHAD HEMOCYAN.

[00:47:16]ALL RIGHT. TIME FOR ME TO GET back to my exper my experiment, bro.

[00:47:20]>> Come on, scientist. Tell us.

[00:47:21]>> I need to I need to draw some more blood from you when you sleep at night.

[00:47:24]>> More.

[00:47:24]>> Yeah, you >> I draw blood like once every 6 months.

[00:47:28]>> That's wrong.

[00:47:29]>> I keep trying. I'm trying to stop Dracula. Come on.

[00:47:32]>> He trying TO HE BRO, DRACULA, LAST TIME DRACULA SHOWED UP, HE SHOWED UP WITH A HAMMER. HE AIN'T HAVE PANTS. HE WAS LIKE, "WHERE'S MICHAEL?" I WAS LIKE, "I CAN'T LET YOU HAVE MY DOG." HE'S LIKE, "WHERE'S MICHAEL?"

[00:47:43]>> YOU SHOULD have let him take me, bro.

[00:47:45]>> All right, bro. that. Okay, you you bought me some.

[00:47:48]>> Considering all of these bad boys live or travel through incredibly cold, low oxygen environments, they need to get the most out of every breath they take.

[00:47:59]They basically switched evolution teams from red to blue because red blood has a skill issue.

[00:48:07]>> Bro, I used I used to love >> playing as Dr. fate in Injustice 2. And once you beat a [ __ ] ass, that [ __ ] start stacking gangs on us. Boy, that >> brought you back, bro.

[00:48:21]>> Brought you back. I'm playing one more time, bro. Brought you back, BRO.

[00:48:31]>> Australia's prime minister disappeared.

[00:48:35]>> Wait, where you going?

[00:48:36]>> No, that is not a joke. This is Harold Halt, the 17th prime minister of Australia. And when I say he disappeared, I don't mean he retired from public life, never to be heard from again. I mean we literally [ __ ] lost him midway through his term. That is like the Secret Service losing the [ __ ] president.

[00:49:00]>> Let me be clear.

[00:49:01]>> How the [ __ ] did you do that?

[00:49:03]>> Which begs a very important question.

[00:49:05]Never thought he'd make a video like this, by the way. But hey, fy. Let us get it. He's kidnapped by an animal.

[00:49:11]>> Well, you see, Hulk was elected prime minister in 1966. And one of the most well-known facts about him >> was that heing loved the ocean.

[00:49:23]>> Be free.

[00:49:25]Which is why on December 17th, 1967, while taking a day off from leading Spider Island, Halt convinced his mates to shop for a cheeky swim before they went out to lunch. And so they pulled into Chevrolet Beach in Victoria. NOW ON THAT DAY, the ocean was, putting it lightly, >> [ __ ] >> Don't go in it.

[00:49:50]>> JUST DON'T GO IN IT.

[00:49:53]SEE, BUT SEE, you not a you're not a real water guy. What the [ __ ] is that?

[00:49:58]What are they doing?

[00:49:59]>> Don't go in.

[00:50:01]>> I worry about you so fast.

[00:50:02]>> I know you do. I know you do. Yeah.

[00:50:04]Yeah. Yeah.

[00:50:05]>> And so all of Hol's friends warned him that maybe visiting Nemo today was a bad idea.

[00:50:12]>> Yeah.

[00:50:12]>> Hol responded, "Oh, >> and I quote, "I know this beach like the back of my hand." hopped into the water, started swimming away from the shore, and he he kept swimming further >> and further.

[00:50:32]>> You're right, mate. That's uh that's far enough. You can come back now.

[00:50:34]>> This is proof that our brains don't really change that much. This [ __ ] old as [ __ ] Thinking he swim like he 25, [ __ ] Well, he learned. Well, >> he did learn.

[00:50:48]>> I think he did.

[00:50:49]>> I don't think Well, no. For a split second, he had to have learned. For a split second, he had to >> by the time No, by the time that split second happened, it was too late. It wasn't a He didn't learn. It was >> No. Well, I doubt it cuz like mo most likely he was out there and it was like a oh [ __ ] I can't then cuz I'm telling you, bro, he went I remember this story.

[00:51:11]You know what I'm saying? Me and history. He went out there. He was like, "All right, I made it far enough. Let me turn around." Wouldn't turn around.

[00:51:17]That's not how That's not how he [ __ ] >> That's how he drowned, bro.

[00:51:20]>> He couldn't swim, >> bro. That's how he >> He had to have a couple of seconds of thinking I'm [ __ ] >> No, bro. That's how he >> You don't die instantly when you drown, bro.

[00:51:30]>> Yes, it is. True.

[00:51:32]>> GUESS WE BACK BACK AGAIN. Getting with gamer subs.

[00:51:38]What's up, chat? You might be asking how how did Kor McGregor get here? You're asking too many questions. The boys over at Internetc City have teamed up with Gamershubs. If you go to gamershubs.gg/incity RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN GET 10% OFF. I'm talking flavors like raw meat. GUACAMOLE GAMER [ __ ] And these right here, we got the nuclear station.

[00:52:10]You either go or I'mma go with you. Guess who's back. BACK BACK AGAIN.

[00:52:21]>> WAIT, where the is he?

[00:52:25]>> Yeah, they completely lost sight of him because the prime minister wasing gone.

[00:52:32]This was >> caused the leaderless Australian government to sh themselves and start playing where's halter search and rescue team scoured the coast for weeks and came up with absolutely nothing.

[00:52:51]>> PRIME MINISTER >> TOLD YOU BRO.

[00:52:54]>> But wait there to the story. Yeah.

[00:52:59]Not even a body. The sitting prime minister had vanished without a trace.

[00:53:07]Some conspiracy theorists say he got picked up by a submarine. The odds are he drowned.

[00:53:13]>> Yeah. I >> But most importantly, with the tragic loss of our nation's prime minister at sea, how did we choose to commemorate the man >> Oh no.

[00:53:23]>> who was clapped by the ocean name.

[00:53:26]>> Oh no. Glad you asked that question cuz we um >> we named a [ __ ] swimming pool after him.

[00:53:35]>> That's crazy.

[00:53:36]>> That's actually pretty damn ironic.

[00:53:38]That's >> People hate this groundhog. But why?

[00:53:42]>> I'm like, what is it?

[00:53:43]>> Because this is no ordinary hog. This distinguished gentleman is Punksatonyi Phil, a resident of the US of A, specifically the town of Punks Tory, Pennsylvania, where he has a very important job. He predicts the weather and he does it through the Groundhog Day ceremony. But uh what the is that? Well, basically every year on the 2nd of February, crowds gather at the >> Goblers Knob.

[00:54:14]>> Stop laughing. It's a very serious ceremony. Quit it.

[00:54:18]>> Bro, when you think about it retrospectively, >> this is one of the dumbest [ __ ] we do.

[00:54:24]Like we do like like [ __ ] you hear about in movies like why are you changing the time back? Like daylight savings like this that's another very dumb thing.

[00:54:34]Yeah. This this groundhog if he sees a shadow it's that's six more weeks of winter. What the [ __ ] man? Somebody put that [ __ ] on the grill.

[00:54:42]>> Yeah, [ __ ] What are we doing, man?

[00:54:44]>> Thor, the unbelievably dripped out inner circle of the groundhog club retrieve the allegedly 140year-old Phil from his knob.

[00:54:58]>> It's a different Groundhog every couple of years, but come >> Phil then selects a scroll from the tip of the knob based on whether or not he SAW HIS SHADOW WHEN being yanked from his home.

[00:55:11]>> What? And if he did see his shadow, winter will last for six more weeks. And this year, Phil has predicted six more weeks of May.

[00:55:23]>> Winter in fact did not. Well, for us, at least >> February. What is it?

[00:55:28]>> It did not last six weeks.

[00:55:29]>> What is it? What is it right now?

[00:55:31]>> April, >> it did last six more weeks.

[00:55:33]>> Well, it did. What? What did Do you not realize this winter felt like it was nothing?

[00:55:38]>> It did last six more weeks. I you forget we went up north, son. Huh? We went up north. It was still cold up north. You know what I'm saying?

[00:55:46]>> And for some reason this year, that prediction has royally pissed off many people online.

[00:55:54]>> Mad look bad.

[00:55:55]>> See, I just think he's doing his [ __ ] job. But the tweet that shared his prediction has some of the most angry yet [ __ ] HILARIOUS RESPONSES.

[00:56:09]AND I made this video to read you the best of them.

[00:56:14]>> Hey, dumb ass.

[00:56:15]>> Turn him into a steak.

[00:56:18]>> That groundhog is going in the microwave.

[00:56:24]>> If I saw puncture Phil, I would punch him like a shadow.

[00:56:32]And last but not least, POV, you are the deep fryer at raising game.

[00:56:40]>> A [ __ ] gone, bro.

[00:56:45]>> Bro, they they done they they done tricked them people into thinking this groundhog live for 100 years, bro. Bro, we all know it ain't, bro. It's just, you know what I'm saying? It's not to them.

[00:56:55]>> They, bro, they know, bro. It's all ceremony, bro. Everybody know it's fake, bro. But I'm just saying put it down. Put it down. Let's let that go. Let's let daylight savings go. Let's let that go. That town that's in the other side of the world that's like, "Oh, it's still 2013 or whatever."

[00:57:13]>> Oh, what a No, it's a country.

[00:57:16]>> Yeah, >> it's a country.

[00:57:18]>> Who went there? Speed went there.

[00:57:20]>> Some Yeah. Yeah. We use a different calendar.

[00:57:22]>> Was it Was it It was one of the main ones. Was it Nigeria or >> I don't remember, bro. I just know it was dumb. It one like bro you your calendar different than the one that come on bro. All right.

[00:57:34]All right bro.

[00:57:35]>> Scientists have created a new fish.

[00:57:38]>> What is it scientist Aaron?

[00:57:40]>> Uh yeah I I wasn't at this meeting.

[00:57:42]>> Right. Right. Right. Right.

[00:57:46]>> And the best part is that it was aing accident. You see this is a turtle fish and it is found absolutelying nowhere in the wild. No, this genetic accident is a nature mod produced exclusively in a single facility in Saravos, Hungary. You see, the stlefish is a cross between the Russian sturgeon and the American paddlefish. And in the wild, the only way that hookup's happening is discord because they live on opposite sides of the [ __ ] planet.

[00:58:19]>> Oh, well, princess.

[00:58:21]>> This ain't a wild. This is Hungary's Fishing and Aquaculture Institute, Haki, where a group of researchers is uh trying to figure out how the to repopulate the critically endangered Russian sturgeon using a neat trick called gynogenesis.

[00:58:37]But uh what the is that? Well, you see, usually when sturgeons reproduce, the females lay a shitload of eggs in the water, which are then uh >> fertilized by THE MALES.

[00:58:50]THIS FERTILIZATION requires two of the same species to tango with 50% of the offspring DNA being contributed from the egg and 50 from the source. In gyogenesis, 100% of the offspring's DNA is contributed by the mother. Now, because sturgeons can't do this naturally, the researchers hatched a plan. They would take sperm from the far less endangered American paddlefish and microwave that with UV radiation, destroying the DNA it carries, but still allowing it to stimulate the egg into growing.

[00:59:26]>> But that didn't work obviously >> without the father's DNA and thus gyogenesis. But uh there's a problem.

[00:59:37]The paddlefish was just a little too genetically similar to the sturgeon. And they did not leave the swimmers in the microwave long enough. So instead of a bunch of perfect little sturgeon babies, we got the stle fish, which is a literal genetic dead end. It is incapable of reproducing.

[00:59:58]>> I feel bad for it. It was an accident and it gets no [ __ ] Abysmal existence. RNG.

[01:00:04]>> Let's go gambling. Oh, dang it.

[01:00:12]>> This fish will choke you. Just not the way you think. You see, this is A HAGFISH FOUND WORLDWIDE.

[01:00:19]>> WHAT ARE THESE CREATURES, MAN?

[01:00:20]>> THIS THE ONE WITH THE WEIRD MOUTH.

[01:00:22]>> OH MY GOD.

[01:00:23]>> UNDER THE SEA. And this thing has one of the mosting disgusting defense mechanisms >> on the planet.

[01:00:31]>> I don't want to find out. You see, WHEN I SAY CHOKE, YOU PROBABLY think I mean they loop that pool noodle shaped body around your neck and squeeze. You are wrong. No, these guys are pissak scavengers that average out to about the size of a subway foot long. And despite having a face hugger for a mouth, their main defense mechanism is uh busting.

[01:00:56]YOU SEE, as you can probably tell by looking at it, these bad boys are slimy.

[01:01:02]Really slimy. And when threatened, >> they they >> they use it as a weapon.

[01:01:07]>> Yeah.

[01:01:08]>> Yeah.

[01:01:08]>> Whenever something tries to eat >> So you choke on the the choke on the slime type.

[01:01:13]>> Have you seen There was a I believe it was them. It was a truck of them that flipped over and it was just like wiped it.

[01:01:19]>> Yeah. I think this is the same animal.

[01:01:22]them. They kick the slime production into overdrive, secretreting a protein that instantly converts the surrounding ocean water into thick, sticky sludge >> in HALF A SECOND. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, A LOAD LIKE that in half a second, incredibly impressive. Nothing to be embarrassed about at all. This slime then seeps into and clogs the gills of their predators, >> suffocating them to death.

[01:01:56]>> Smart, smart, smart, smart, smart.

[01:01:59]Great.

[01:01:59]>> Then having literally slimed their ops, >> THEY UH WHIP OUT AN UNO REVERSE card and eat them.

[01:02:07]>> Yeah, cuz why not? Come on now. WE HERE TO DO WHAT IT DO, MAN.

[01:02:12]>> The Kraken IS A REAL ANIMAL. [ __ ] I think we already knew that though. I just wanted to scream. I'm sorry.

[01:02:20]>> This frog.

[01:02:22]>> The Kraken is a real animal, just not the one you think it is.

[01:02:27]>> Who is that Pokémon?

[01:02:29]>> You see, when people hear tales of the Kraken, they assume that a bunch of sailors in the oldie times got absolutely faced and ran into a giant squid.

[01:02:42]And to be fair, that's not a terrible assumption. Giant squid are kaiju sized coming in at 12 meters in length and 900 kilos.

[01:02:55]So the assumption that they saw that shape and rightly assumed sea monster >> isn't too far-fetched. However, there is a rather large hole in that giant squid theory.

[01:03:08]>> They don't live anywhere near the surface. down.

[01:03:10]>> They live down, way down, >> owning real estate at a depth of 1,000 m below sea level IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

[01:03:23]SO, IF these sailors didn't see Squidward's roided out, brother, how the do you explain the books of corroborating tales of long tentacle-like appendages sticking out of the sea? Well, the answer >> whale cop >> is whales. But uh where is the tentacle on a whale?

[01:03:43]>> Whale cop.

[01:03:44]>> That's crazy. That's crazy.

[01:03:47]>> Well, you see, during breeding season, blue whales reproduce by um conducting a locomotive on female whales.

[01:03:56]>> Oh.

[01:03:58]>> And in order to keep this train running on the tracks, male whales must wait their turn. And while waiting in the lobby, in order to stay prepared, the males tend to uh raise their gentleman's sausage out of the water and wave it around in the air. And the special sausage on a blue whale >> is around 3 m LONG >> AND 14 in thick.

[01:04:24]>> Jesus, he's holding it holding.

[01:04:28]Ah, so sailors who thought they were seeing a mythical monster from the depths were >> more than likely >> it was a monster >> just seeing a pot of whales hitting weapon inspect on their snakes the whale just Yeah. I can't wait. It's my turn.

[01:04:49]>> Yeah, I'm next.

[01:04:51]>> Y >> this frog deliberately breaks its own bones. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

[01:04:59]>> BUT WHY? WELL, YOU SEE, THIS is a hairy frog found on the west coast of Africa.

[01:05:04]And the reason it hits a brutality on itself, ironically enough, is self-defense. You see, these guys are small. Coming in at AN INCREDIBLY respectable 3 to 5 in and tipping the scales at only 15 g, which is a problem.

[01:05:22]>> It's just so offputting.

[01:05:23]>> It's so disgusting. soul mad >> because they also inhabit the ecological equivalent of a [ __ ] FromSoft game.

[01:05:32]>> Africa is one of the only places in the world that gives Australia a run for its money with Mr. Frog here having to avoid bird money with Mr. Frog here having to avoid >> Africa is one of the only places. Look at how bright the desert is >> comparatively.

[01:05:53]>> Bro, that [ __ ] that's a Sahara, ain't it? Boy, I ain't Man, look. Hey, hey, I'm going to be so for real.

[01:06:01]>> All the [ __ ] in and what?

[01:06:10]Look, all I'mma say is let's send these [ __ ] AC, bro. Cuz I' I' I'd be beefing with a [ __ ] that looked just like me, too, if I have AC. Oh.

[01:06:21]Oh, >> a run for its money with Mr. Frog here having to avoid birds, snakes, and rats on his walk to work. NOW, IN ORDER TO AVOID THIS SCENARIO, most frogs either run a highlevel stealth build or dress up like aing highlighter and cover themselves in everyone's favorite liquid. But the hairy frog has read one too many X-Men comics.

[01:06:49]>> Because this thing actually has another name, the [ __ ] Wolverine frog.

[01:06:55]>> OH, >> BECAUSE THESE LITTLE GUYS have claws, but not traditional claws like a cat, which are made of keratin and freely extend and retract without an issue.

[01:07:06]No, instead the finger bones on a hairy frog's hind legs are held in place by a small bone at the tip of their fingers.

[01:07:16]And when threatened, they snap the longer bone off the tip and through their skin. And then, new weapon acquired, they employ the London SELF-DEFENSE STRATEGY.

[01:07:37]THIS TYPE [ __ ] If it works, it works.

[01:07:41]Get it done. [ __ ] it. Wolverine had to go through a little bit of pain to make it happen, bro. [ __ ] ro.